davidem
New member
Hi, first post here. But I'm really struggling today and was hoping this was a place I could find some perspective.
I made a new friend recently, and we've become extremely close very quickly. We're platonic and not sexually compatible, but I'm also incredibly attracted to them. They've also become friends with my anchor partner, and that relationship recently became sexual. I've been encouraging that at every stage because I could sense ridiculous level of chemistry they have together. Like palpable, room-filling chemistry. And I have tremendous compersion for both of them about it.
But I'm also feeling sudden, unexpected, and overwhelming jealousy. Like panic-attack level jealousy. I'm jealous that my anchor partner has the opportunity to be sexually intimate with this friend; I'm so attracted to them and can't never be with them that way, and my partner can. It's not that I actually want to turn that relationship sexual -- it would not be good for either of us. But at the same time I desperately wish it was something that could work.
I'm also jealous of how good their sex is -- I'm physically disabled, and there is SO much that I can't do sexually for my partner ... but my friend is fantastically good at it, and as much as I love how much pleasure they have together, it leaves me feeling deeply inadequate that I can't do a lot of those things anymore. The damage to my body is permanent, I'll never be able to do this stuff ever again.
Another piece is that I've been having a lot of gender dysphoria about my body. My anchor partner is attracted to a lot of the masculine characteristics that I dislike in myself, and is not attracted to the feminine characteristics that feel good and right. But that friend is feminine and they connected so strongly, and that just feels devastating. And the friend calls me their "slutty little girlfriend", which feels validating but also ironic.
I just don't know how to manage or work through these feelings. Counselling is very expensive when you're disabled and can't make money, even with sliding scales. And counselling is never available at the times you need it; an appointment in two weeks doesn't help with a crisis today. And I'm not one of those people that is incapable of feeling jealousy and compersion at the same time. One does not negate the other. I feel tremendous joy for them -- which is why I don't want to try to work through these feelings with either of them; I don't want it to be a dark cloud on this new thing they have. But that joy doesn't take away the sadness and desperate feelings of being broken and useless and unattractive.
I'd love any opinions or ideas about how to move forward, to validate myself and the worth of relationship with my partner and with my friend, and how get to a point where I can just feel the pure joy for them and none of the envy and jealousy.
I made a new friend recently, and we've become extremely close very quickly. We're platonic and not sexually compatible, but I'm also incredibly attracted to them. They've also become friends with my anchor partner, and that relationship recently became sexual. I've been encouraging that at every stage because I could sense ridiculous level of chemistry they have together. Like palpable, room-filling chemistry. And I have tremendous compersion for both of them about it.
But I'm also feeling sudden, unexpected, and overwhelming jealousy. Like panic-attack level jealousy. I'm jealous that my anchor partner has the opportunity to be sexually intimate with this friend; I'm so attracted to them and can't never be with them that way, and my partner can. It's not that I actually want to turn that relationship sexual -- it would not be good for either of us. But at the same time I desperately wish it was something that could work.
I'm also jealous of how good their sex is -- I'm physically disabled, and there is SO much that I can't do sexually for my partner ... but my friend is fantastically good at it, and as much as I love how much pleasure they have together, it leaves me feeling deeply inadequate that I can't do a lot of those things anymore. The damage to my body is permanent, I'll never be able to do this stuff ever again.
Another piece is that I've been having a lot of gender dysphoria about my body. My anchor partner is attracted to a lot of the masculine characteristics that I dislike in myself, and is not attracted to the feminine characteristics that feel good and right. But that friend is feminine and they connected so strongly, and that just feels devastating. And the friend calls me their "slutty little girlfriend", which feels validating but also ironic.
I just don't know how to manage or work through these feelings. Counselling is very expensive when you're disabled and can't make money, even with sliding scales. And counselling is never available at the times you need it; an appointment in two weeks doesn't help with a crisis today. And I'm not one of those people that is incapable of feeling jealousy and compersion at the same time. One does not negate the other. I feel tremendous joy for them -- which is why I don't want to try to work through these feelings with either of them; I don't want it to be a dark cloud on this new thing they have. But that joy doesn't take away the sadness and desperate feelings of being broken and useless and unattractive.
I'd love any opinions or ideas about how to move forward, to validate myself and the worth of relationship with my partner and with my friend, and how get to a point where I can just feel the pure joy for them and none of the envy and jealousy.
