Surprise Jealousy

BelleRose

BelleRose

New member
Hello everyone.

So as y'all know from my previous thread "Dazed and Confused," my partner is poly, his other partner is mono. We are in a V, he is the hinge. He hadn't met anyone he was serious about for the first year of their relationship and it's been a very rough transition for her.

Until recently, I'd been dating, but I hadn't met anyone else that I was interested in. I had a really awful date about a month ago, one that sent me home crying, and he was so supportive about it the next day. Since we've been together I've felt nothing but safe and so grateful that I'm finally in a position where I can be myself with my partner, be honest, and have it be okay.

This week, things were a little different.

Thursday night I had a really amazing first date.

On Friday, my partner and I had a fight that was at first seemed completely unrelated to jealousy or the date. More of a D/s misunderstanding. But it ended up being this long, confusing discussion about how he felt it was wrong for me to call someone else and make plans when I was mad at him and seek comfort (by seek comfort he meant sex) outside of the relationship if there was an issue.

This was really disconcerting to me for a few reasons.
- First, none of this had actually happened. I hadn't made plans to sleep with someone else because I was upset with him.
- Second, I've been very clear about not being comfortable with hierarchal poly or being a poly "couple," and he understands that and agrees. I don't consider our relationship my primary or my core, that is going to rein over future relationships.
That said, this discomfort seemed odd to me. If and when I have other partners in the future, I wouldn't be comfortable agreeing not to see others if we're fighting. That would be completely unfair to any other partner and would be putting them and the relationship in a hierarchy.
- Third, he admitted that this was coming up because of an insecurity from an old relationship. It seems that other partners he's had in the past who have been poly have left to pursue monogamy with others. Once this came out, it was clear that this fear was probably a result of my finally having a good date, but he wouldn't quite own to that.

We settled it. We moved on.

Then last night, another man, another amazing date. I wasn't expecting it which made it that much more exciting.

He has an event he usually attends Tuesday nights and it usually goes pretty late. I'd planned to meet him there after my date. We didn't set any time constraints. I had no idea how long the date would last (or not.) But it felt flexible, as he would be out at his own thing.

He texted me a few times before I was able to get back to him because I didn't want to be rude, but I stepped out and called him when my date went to the bathroom. At that point I told him we'd probably start wrapping up soon. Which we did. Then we walked, and I stopped into a bar close to my apartment to use the bathroom and say hi to some friends before starting to meet him.

Then things became odd. His texts seemed light and teasing at first, but there was a bit of passive aggression in there. That the date had run much later than he'd expected, (why were there expectations of how long it would last?) that he hadn't enjoyed the event and had decided to leave early, and was now just out alone waiting for me. At this point I hadn't left the bar yet because I figured if he wasn't tied to that event anymore and only a few minutes away from me by car, maybe he would want to meet me where I was rather than waiting a little over half an hour for me to walk there. He declined to meet me, saying he wasn't in the mood for where I was. That he was just hurt, and that it was probably similar to how his first partner felt when he met me.

At this point, my head was spinning. I was confused about what he meant and why he was hurt, and how all this had happened as a result of my date going well and being a long date as a result. But he wouldn't say much over text, just insisted that he was upset, and that we would talk when I met him.

I met him to find that not only had he left the event, he had also gone on an aimless walk and opted to sit outside about half an hour away from his car, in the opposite direction from which I'd come, making it an hour walk total to get to the car for me. At this point I was getting hangry, especially when he informed me that due to his mood, he just wanted to take me home. From where I'd been when we were texting, I was basically home. I was two train stops away and could have been home in nine minutes and he couldn't met me at my apartment sooner too, so it felt to me like a lot of dramatics for nothing.

I'd been drinking, so I was seeing things in a way that I believed to be clear and was probably more candid and less kind with my words than I could have been. He seemed determined to argue and to try to put in a position of apologizing, and I really didn't feel that I'd done anything wrong. He insisted that it was about having waited so long for me - but that he understood because I'd "had an amazing date and was just doing what felt natural in the moment" - but again, that didn't quite make sense to me. He left his event because he didn't like the crowd. He'd walked away from his car for whatever reason on his own. He refused to meet me even though it would take me a long time to get to him. I didn't understand what I was supposed to be apologizing for, and on top of that I was starving and had just speed walked an hour in the opposite direction of my apartment only to be driven back.

I honestly feel that if I'd had a bad date and texted him saying that I needed some time alone to clear my head before meeting him, he would have rolled with the punches. I don't think we were fighting over logistics. I think it was jealously. And that's okay. We can work through that. But not if he won't admit that it's happening.

I'm torn. I want to try and revisit the conversation this evening, sober. And if he really is starting to act out and pick little fights as a result of jealousy or insecurities from past break ups, I want to make sure I am being empathetic and being there for him. But I'm also concerned that these little fights have been - whether conscious or subconscious - attempts to control things. In the first situation, to get me to say, "Okay, I won't see another lover if we're fighting so that you won't have to wonder if I'm seeing them out of spite or if we're talking about you." In the second, to get me to say, "Okay, all future dates will only last two hours max."

But sometimes I can get caught up in my emotions and my way of seeing things and not realize if I'm being unreasonable.

Am I?
 
I don't feel you are being unreasonable. I do think you guys need to discuss him owning his shit. If he feels he is having issues due to old relationships, then he needs to go to therapy, or have a plan in place on how he is going to work through the feelings. And I believe, yes, you will need to be empathetic and be reassuring, but you are correct that doesn't mean allowing him to place restrictions on you. Are you guys primary partners? Do you co-habitate? If not, does he absolutely need to know you are out on a date?

Honestly though, these are his issues. He needs to figure out how to work through them in a way that doesn't place restrictions on you at all. If you don't like his reactions, then you need to switch something up as well. Maybe you could not schedule back-to-back stuff with him, so he has time to work through garbage feelings before seeing you?
 
Yeah, he's jealous and also seems like he wants a hierarchy even if he denies it, or to be in control of something he has no right to control (YOU, or your sex life). I also wonder if, perhaps, you might be oversharing with him about your dates.

If I were you, I'd set some boundaries.

I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that:

  • he does not have a say about anyone else you date;
  • he shouldn't have any expectations about how long you will be on a date; and
  • you're not going to let him know whether your dates go well or bomb until he stops his passive-aggressive bullshit and handles his own issues.
I would also tell him not to expect you to change your behavior just so he can avoid his own uncomfortable feelings. Dealing with his inner turmoil is an inside job that only he can do.

Also, let him know that you will text him the next morning but not while you are on a date. End of discussion.

Is he your Dom? He doesn't sound like he's got his shit together enough to be anyone's Dom.
 
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He is jealous. he sounds passive-aggressive. He seems manipulative.

Some things to consider:

He probably left the event because he was too busy worrying over you.

He walked because he was worrying over you.

He behaved the way he did because he was trying to manipulate you. He was trying to get reassurances from you. He was trying to tell you he has a problem with you dating others.

You should learn to recognize these behaviors. You can't deal with each other if you aren't speaking the same language.

If he were here I would tell him that acting like this will cause someone to not want to be with him, which will only reinforce his belief that someone doesn't want to be with him...if that makes sense.
 
vinsanity0 said:
If he were here I would tell him that acting like this will cause someone to not want to be with him, which will only reinforce his belief that someone doesn't want to be with him...if that makes sense.
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Makes perfect sense, Vin. He's creating what's called a "self-fulfilling prophecy."
 
@Vin & Nycindie

Yeah, it does seem like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I also agree that the behavior seemed manipulative. I'm torn because I love him and I don't believe he is malicious. I think he may just have difficulty owning those uncomfortable feelings and it comes out...like this.

@Bluebird

We aren't primary partners - I don't intend for any partner become primary for me. There isn't any particular reason he needs to know if I'm on a date or not. I had hoped, before all of this, that we would be able to be honest with one another about these things. I've done don't ask, don't tell before, and I feel like it gets weird because then if he does call or text and I'm unusually unresponsive it can cause a different kind of worry. I felt it was better he knew when I'd be out so that he'd have the correct expectations.

He does this with me and his other partner - if they are going to have a serious discussion or a special event, he tells me ahead of time that he may not be able to respond as frequently or until it's over. I appreciate that so much.

@Nycindie

I'm so stuck on the last thing you said because you're so right, it's frightening.

It's almost like he's two different people. On the one hand, he's so knowledgeable and has so much more experience than me when it comes to both poly and D/s. And when he expresses what his responsibilities are, he does so articulately and seems to be very mature.

And then in practice, it's a completely different game. It seems to be mostly around experiencing negative emotions but when he does, it's frightening how immature he can become, even if it's in short bursts. He typically does eventually catch up, apologize, and agree to work to correct it.

We have been talking about him being my Dom. But I hear what you're saying and it's been a concern of mine too. In my last thread someone pointed out that he is a "sloppy hinge" and I don't entirely disagree - I think the transition our relationship begun could have been handled better as well.

I'm not sure where this leaves me.

We did talk, and we are at a place where things feel resolved.

But at the same time he insisted that his only issue was that it took so long for me to arrive, and that he just shouldn't have created that expectation and won't do it in the future. He swears it has nothing to do with the date and actually turned it all around on me at one point and accused me of not taking him at his word.

I guess at this point I'm hoping that things really are resolved. But I've decided not to plan anything with him after a date so that there are no expectations on time, and that I'm not going to be discussing any details with him.
 
You'll see how the next date goes. Everybody handles things differently.

I've had a HUGE fight with Idealist in March over a first date. I wrote about it here and people expressed serious doubts if Idealist will ever accept me dating. I had to put the promising relationship aside for a month. The moment I decided to revisit it? There was no single complaint, just a little fear left on his side. The new one didn't work out, but I am positive that we've made a step.
 
BelleRose said:
@Nycindie

I'm so stuck on the last thing you said because you're so right, it's frightening.

It's almost like he's two different people. On the one hand, he's so knowledgeable and has so much more experience than me when it comes to both poly and D/s. And when he expresses what his responsibilities are, he does so articulately and seems to be very mature.

And then in practice, it's a completely different game. It seems to be mostly around experiencing negative emotions but when he does, it's frightening how immature he can become, even if it's in short bursts. He typically does eventually catch up, apologize, and agree to work to correct it.

We have been talking about him being my Dom. But I hear what you're saying and it's been a concern of mine too. In my last thread someone pointed out that he is a "sloppy hinge" and I don't entirely disagree - I think the transition our relationship begun could have been handled better as well.

I'm not sure where this leaves me.
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Well, you know, just because you're dating someone who wants to Dom you, doesn't mean that you have to agree to that. You can date him and not have that be a part of your dynamic. From what you've written here, you seem very clear about wanting your autonomy respected, and it doesn't seem like you want any kind of 24/7 Domming, so there's that.

D/s is not part of my personal world, but I've read and discussed enough about it to understand that it is the sub's needs which are the whole reason there would be a Dom in the first place. The needs of the sub should be foremost in the Dom's motivation for whatever actions he takes as a Dom. From what I've read, this is critical - and it seems there are a plethora of pretenders out there who can talk the talk but have no clue how to walk the walk, so be careful. And you should never agree to something you don't feel absolutely secure and confident about - this is an exchange of power in a relationship, so why would anyone let someone dominate them without there being an established basis of trust between you from the get-go? At least that is how I see it. It's all up to you.

Have you mentioned how long you know him and have been seeing him? I don't recall.

We have a thread here on BDsm and power exchange and, along with reading I've done on my own, I found it very informative: BDsm

Anyway, I like the fact that you've resolved not to discuss details of your dates with him, nor make plans for afterwards. After all, your dating life is yours to manage and he doesn't own you.
 
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Hi BelleRose,

It sounds like your partner is suffering from jealousy, but doesn't want to admit that to himself let alone others. If this continues to be the case in future incidents, you'll have to decide what to do and he can't help you decide, he's stuck on the, "You have to take me at my word," thing.

For now, though, I suppose it makes sense to work with him on compromises, as long as the compromises are reasonable and tolerable. Don't let him twist your arm so to speak.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I feel for your partner, I've been in his position. It took me some time to realize I was the common denominator, but once I did there was apologies and steps forward. I need to have enough rapport with my metamours to be like "you really are poly, right?"

Point being that anvils can fall from the sky, and the fact he is aware that he has made missteps (even if they aren't for the reasons you see) appears to be a good sign.
 
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