upallnight10
New member
My wife and I have taken our first steps down the path of an open marriage. It is still very new to us and we arrived here via interesting circumstances, although probably nothing unique. About 6 months ago she had an awakening that things other people did to her (physical and verbal) could turn her on and she found that thrilling. She didn't really communicate that with me though, as we've built walls over the past many years in regards to things like this. I did enjoy a much renewed sex life with my wife and that was great.
We recently went on a cruise and she was almost "courted" by a guy on the cruise, and I could tell she loved the attention. Not knowing that she was exploring this side of herself, I was pretty upset the she wasn't showing me the same attention she showed this guy. Yes, it was only flirting, but she didn't flirt with me like that.
Well, about 2 months after the cruise, I discovered they were having a "text affair" and confronted her about it. At this point it came out that she was rethinking sexuality and relationships and realizing that it is possible to find love and emotional thrills with other people. She would really like to continue what she was doing and was I open to it?
Here is where the irony kicks in. I am open to it and have been thinking about it for many years. It has simply been the walls we built between ourselves that have stopped me from ever opening up about it. I was made now, though, because? I'm not exactly sure. Was I mad because she got there first? Or because she hid this from me? Or was it just insecurity because of our walls?
In any case, in the time since, we have had an amazing "spring" if you will, and we can literally see walls crumbling between us. We have talked about ground rules, honesty and our committment to us as the primary relationship. We both are totally committed to the other person, and I do truly believe it because our connection that way has always been amazing despite walls. We are simply going to be open to what the universe gives us, and if that is other people making us feel good about ourselves, which will feed our primary relationship, then so be it. FYI - we currently are working on a "don't ask don't tell" policy. I have read about that and do understand there are pros and cons, but there are to everything!
Now to the purpose of my post. I found out that she had been talking to a friend about her "text relationship" and how the walls between us were a problem. That friend's husband talked to me to let me know he was there for me to support me in whatever I needed. Because of our committment to honesty, I felt the need to tell my wife about this conversation, and it really hurt her that her friend disclosed this, because she had been adamant about keeping it to herself. Through this process she went through a roller coaster of emotions about how she felt bad that she was the first one to "cheat" in our relationship and how her actions could have jeopardized us.
And that's the problem...she wasn't the first. I had a fling about 7 years ago due to the complete lack of a physical relationship with my wife. Around that time is also when I started thinking about the fact that we could find other experiences outside our marriage and still remain committed to each other. During my confrontation of my wife about the "text affair" she did ask if I had ever done anything, and defensively I lied and said no. Since then we have committed to honesty, and I have seen the emotional turmoil inside her about her being the first one to step outside our marriage. I have not told her and wasn't planning to because I couldn't see it adding anything to where we are now. But now I'm wondering if I should. I have told her that I am having a big interal struggle I'm working through with a double standard. To me that means the fact that I know I can have another relationship and remain committed, but I am still scared about her doing it. I know being scared is an insecurity, and that insecurity stems from the walls we have built over the years. And I can feel even in the short time we've been exploring this that those walls are coming down and those feelings are going away.
But now I am seeking advice, primarily from women I would assume, on if you were in her position, would you want to know about my past fling? Would it add anything? Would it heal and make you feel better? I worry there may be some backslide on trust for her, but I am willing to accept that and rebuild if it will put her in a better place.
(sorry for any typos, I just type stream of consciousness and hardly ever proofread)
We recently went on a cruise and she was almost "courted" by a guy on the cruise, and I could tell she loved the attention. Not knowing that she was exploring this side of herself, I was pretty upset the she wasn't showing me the same attention she showed this guy. Yes, it was only flirting, but she didn't flirt with me like that.
Well, about 2 months after the cruise, I discovered they were having a "text affair" and confronted her about it. At this point it came out that she was rethinking sexuality and relationships and realizing that it is possible to find love and emotional thrills with other people. She would really like to continue what she was doing and was I open to it?
Here is where the irony kicks in. I am open to it and have been thinking about it for many years. It has simply been the walls we built between ourselves that have stopped me from ever opening up about it. I was made now, though, because? I'm not exactly sure. Was I mad because she got there first? Or because she hid this from me? Or was it just insecurity because of our walls?
In any case, in the time since, we have had an amazing "spring" if you will, and we can literally see walls crumbling between us. We have talked about ground rules, honesty and our committment to us as the primary relationship. We both are totally committed to the other person, and I do truly believe it because our connection that way has always been amazing despite walls. We are simply going to be open to what the universe gives us, and if that is other people making us feel good about ourselves, which will feed our primary relationship, then so be it. FYI - we currently are working on a "don't ask don't tell" policy. I have read about that and do understand there are pros and cons, but there are to everything!
Now to the purpose of my post. I found out that she had been talking to a friend about her "text relationship" and how the walls between us were a problem. That friend's husband talked to me to let me know he was there for me to support me in whatever I needed. Because of our committment to honesty, I felt the need to tell my wife about this conversation, and it really hurt her that her friend disclosed this, because she had been adamant about keeping it to herself. Through this process she went through a roller coaster of emotions about how she felt bad that she was the first one to "cheat" in our relationship and how her actions could have jeopardized us.
And that's the problem...she wasn't the first. I had a fling about 7 years ago due to the complete lack of a physical relationship with my wife. Around that time is also when I started thinking about the fact that we could find other experiences outside our marriage and still remain committed to each other. During my confrontation of my wife about the "text affair" she did ask if I had ever done anything, and defensively I lied and said no. Since then we have committed to honesty, and I have seen the emotional turmoil inside her about her being the first one to step outside our marriage. I have not told her and wasn't planning to because I couldn't see it adding anything to where we are now. But now I'm wondering if I should. I have told her that I am having a big interal struggle I'm working through with a double standard. To me that means the fact that I know I can have another relationship and remain committed, but I am still scared about her doing it. I know being scared is an insecurity, and that insecurity stems from the walls we have built over the years. And I can feel even in the short time we've been exploring this that those walls are coming down and those feelings are going away.
But now I am seeking advice, primarily from women I would assume, on if you were in her position, would you want to know about my past fling? Would it add anything? Would it heal and make you feel better? I worry there may be some backslide on trust for her, but I am willing to accept that and rebuild if it will put her in a better place.
(sorry for any typos, I just type stream of consciousness and hardly ever proofread)
Or people in poly relationships who don't require much; probably already have other partners.