Tales from the Time Share Wife

Bluebird said:
I hope everything turns out okay!
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Thanks. :) He has a crushed vertebrae and a bruised rib. He's in a lot of pain. His shoulder dislocated in the middle of the night and Mary had to pop it back in. We were in the hospital until midnight and ended up getting a motel room. Jerry really wants to make the Florence trip (sans dune riding) happen, even though I offered to take Mary's 11-year old son solo.

They were able to stitch up his eyelid, but he may need to go to a plastic surgeon later to tweak it. He's really embarrassed about how careless he was, because he's a huge helmet Nazi and he wasn't wearing one when he was loading up the 3 wheeler. Nor did he have spotters to help pull the bike up. The ramp was way too steep for that, as well.
 
Dear Psycho,

Words you'll never see, but I need to get them out:

From the silence, you may have figured out that I am serious this time about my decision that we are over. I know you really don't care, and have a slew of skanks waiting in the wings, as you have made it abundantly clear on multiple occasions that I am replaceable. Don't even try to pretend you care, because your treatment of me proves otherwise.

You have lied to me repeatedly, cheated on me, manipulated me, and turned me into a neurotic mess with your constant mind games. You've shown me over and over again that others mean more to you than I do. You gave me all the love in the world in the beginning, tricking me into falling in love with this amazing man, but later you took it all away and showed your true self, only giving me enough keep me on the hook, making promises of a better tomorrow that will never come. You told me all along that you were a monster. You were telling the truth, but I was blinded by the facade you put up.

I don't love you anymore. I love the guy I met, but he's been gone since that first year. I love myself too much to continue being treated this way. There is no excuse for what you have done. If you could not tolerate being in a poly situation, you should have dumped me, instead of continuously treating me like shit.

I feel like these past two years have been an experiment to see how far you could push me. Well, you won. You finally got me to dump you. I am too strong to let this break me. I'm going to start taking care of myself again and get back to the person I used to be.
 
I see he's already with someone new, someone he worked with at the haunted house. Even though he'd deny it, I'm pretty sure that it's the chick that was on his couch. It just proves how little he cared. I feel so freaking sick and furious right now.
 
Uh, I confronted him because I'm furious. He claims that his friend invited him to this drag show and she was performing there and that they pressured him to pour the blood on her head. So this also means that she was working with him in May at the haunted house too.

This was obviously a lie, since he never ended things with her at all. He was "part of the show," he later revealed. He really can't keep track of his lies.
 
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She's been bragging to everyone that will listen that he's her dom. They've most definitely been hooking up the entire time. After more reading up I'm most definitely being discarded by him, only he's pushing me away. After what I told him tonight, I highly doubt he will ever contact me again. He blew everything. But I have to keep remembering that this was all just a cruel game to him and that I was absolutely nothing more to him than a distraction. He's moved on to a child who will keep him entertained for a while. Part of me hates her for having an affair with him, but I have a feeling someday she's going to find herself a used-up hollow version of the girl she once was. They can have each other.
 
I get sad and I think about what a big hole he filled, how he met so many needs, how he made me feel. Then I think how he only did that in the beginning. Once upon a time, he called me his beautiful unique hippie-dippy girlfriend. How a special guy like him needed someone like me. How we were perfect for each other. He would bathe me in compliments on how special I was and I lapped it up. I was so hungry for it after 20 years of never being complimented.

Suddenly I know that feeling special was over, then I think... He only treated me that way because I told him it is what i wanted. I repeat my mantra "It was all just a game to him. None of it was real." He isn't romantic. I wasn't special. He told me what I wanted to hear. He can't feel love. He doesn't love me. Then I feel better. I'll take my subtle compliments from the man who has never cheated, never lied. The man who, for the most part, has been incredibly considerate of my feelings. I don't need to wonder with hours of heart-wrenching agony if he's cheating when I can't get a hold of him.

I would rather have a real relationship with someone who can feel love than a pretend relationship with a animated dummy who plays human.

Still, I miss his silliness. I miss the wild childlike wonder and his inquisitive nature. Deep down he has some kernel of humanity, some sweet part I'll miss. But for the most part he's pretending to be a grown up. He really needs his mommy there. I tell myself that he and I NEVER had a chance at a real relationship because he was never capable of it. The future we imagined was all make believe. It's not something he could ever had provided.

How the heck did he trick me into thinking he was a normal adult human being? Looking now, it's so obvious that he's a human imposter. How did I not see it before? How did he put me in such a trance that I was blind to his true nature?
 
Inyourendo said:
Been reading on the psychopath free forum and the idea that psychopaths put their victims in a trance/hypnotic state to cast a spell on them and keep them hooked despite being severely mistreated really hit home for me

https://www.psychopathfree.com/threads/control-by-trance-and-hypnosis.1670/

I'm going to stop contact.with.him.and read.this book while here https://www.amazon.com/Whos-Pulling-Your-Strings-Manipulation/dp/0071446729

.
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Hey, Inyourendo, I don't regularly read your blog, but I noticed your sig mentioned a breakup and I wanted to come in and see what happened.

I read back to last October to see what you'd been going through with Sam. I am very glad you found that Psychopath Free board. It was a great help to me when I broke up with Ginger 2 years ago. He was so similar to Sam. Especially the gaslighting and the triangulation, which followed the love bombing, great sex and compliments of the first year of our relationship. He also had "groupies" in his dance circles, who were drawn to his outward attractiveness and charisma.

I am glad you finally pulled the plug. I also spent a year with my ex trying to make things work, until I finally realised I was just narcissistic supply to him, something to fill the empty hole in his soul, for a while. Until he found a fresh supply.

Good wishes as you heal. I felt mingled grief and relief for 6 months after my breakup. I found I learned a valuable lesson about this type of person, and when another guy like him tried to wedge his way into my life, the red flags were super obvious and I dumped him after just a few dates.
 
Thank you so much for replying.

My friends kept saying, "What are you doing? You don't put up with being treated this way!" I kept thinking every lie will be the last, every time he wronged me it was because of something I had done. Things would get better when his mom moved away, but I realized things would never be good, because he didn't want a relationship with me and he would always create a barrier between us. It's really sad that I couldn't see him for who he was sooner. I feel so broken at times now.

I have one more day in Washington, then off to Missouri on Monday.

I'm looking forward to starting the candida diet and working out. I've gained a lot of weight this past year, particularly. I've given up on caring about myself and have been probably drinking too much too. I want to get back to the woman I once respected.

Changing my phone number and asking work not to publish the new one was a big step for me in the right direction for no contact and moving forward. I can't believe he's had the nerve the nerve to say I shouldn't let this-year long affair and lies come between us, and how I should let him take me out still. Like, seriously?! He just doesn't seem to get what he's actually done to me. He really doesn't think he did anything wrong and he doesn't understand how I feel.

He could have told me that he wanted to dom her, and that he wanted to work with me to be open and honest, but he likes being sneaky. He has this whole "snake" persona that he enjoys, so he gets off the thrill of tricking me. The lies hurt worse than anything. I realize that I really didn't know him at all.

At least I am finally done! Before, I would have rationalized what he did and found some way to forgive him, and he would have promised not to lie anymore, and I would have been strung along further. At least now I feel like I'm going to vomit when I think about him and what a horrible person he is. At least now I am so fed up that up that I can start loving myself again.
 
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The funny thing is after months of stress and not being regular, my menses had actually returned. I think having someone outside the relationship give me proof that he's been having an ongoing relationship with that 19 year old has made me feel better. Oh can't believe he's tried to say "well she's moving next month" like I'll be okay being with him because she's going to be out of the picture. She won't be the last girl working at the haunted house that he can seduce, this isn't the last time he'll cheat. Now I get to go home and get screened for sti.
 
I ask myself, "Why didn't he just fucking break up with me?" He says, "because I love you." The real answer is, "He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date."

Not long after we got together, he told me he had drinks with the guy across the street, not because they are friends, or have anything in common, but rather he had a skill set that would benefit a psycho, and he wanted to keep him close so he could call upon him for favors. It really disturbed me that he put time in with someone just for the sake of having a cheap mechanic. I know a lot of people network, but this came across as really usery. It was a huge red flag at the time that I chose to ignore.
 
All I can say is, yup. I feel you. It's so weird when, after a year, you suddenly ask yourself, who IS this guy? I thought I knew him. Now he is acting like a totally different person. And you realise, that monster is the real him, and the charming, loving, adventurous, creative, sexy, caring, handsome, even "spiritual" man was just a mask over the ugliness inside.

Hello, Don Juan Narcissist.
 
Magdlyn said:
All I can say is, yup. I feel you. It's so weird when, after a year, you suddenly ask yourself, who IS this guy? I thought I knew him. Now he is acting like a totally different person. And you realise, that monster is the real him, and the charming, loving, adventurous, creative, sexy, caring, handsome, even "spiritual" man was just a mask over the ugliness inside.

Hello, Don Juan Narcissist.
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Yep, exactly.
 
I've decided if he ever does decide to approach me (like outside of work), I will look at him with dead eyes and treat him like a stranger that I've never seen before. The game plan is that I will drop my client off 5 minutes before the hour and that should help me avoid running into psycho, since he's always late. I'm a little amused that he will likely smell my body oil lingering there. Then I remember that he won't feel sad anyway.

My trip was a lot of fun, despite all the fighting between J&M. My hometown hadn't changed at all. I loved spending time with my childhood best friend and her family. Catching up with her mom Candice was really special. When I told her about my open marriage, she was all, "You're just like your grandma." Turns out she was in an open marriage with a dadt policy. I also realized that my 6 year old looks like Grandma a lot. I also realized how much Candice influenced me growing up, and how my parenting style is very similar to hers.

I'm glad I moved from my town, because I don't feel like I could have grown had I stayed there. I also decided that I'm not sure if I want to stay in Missouri. I really liked my visit here and I think I need some adventure in my life. I think just living up here and being able to travel the coast would be a lot of fun for my kids.

I'm not doing anything rash. It's just something I'll muse for awhile. I think the hardest part for me will be to leave my job after I've put so much time in. If I do go back to Missouri, I will have lost my position and my pay rate will be way less. I won't let that deter me though.
 
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Coming home was bittersweet. I missed my family and home, and being back with them felt so good. But as I arrived in town a wave of anxiety hit me. I feel so freaking sad about Sam. I have so many unanswered questions. I don't even want to ask, because he'll probably lie anyway. But honestly, the answers don't even matter, because the bottom line is we are over. The details of his betrayal are irrelevant. So here I am, sad and empty.
 
Bonus, I have completely lost my appetite, so that will help fuel my weight loss goals. I saw so many photos of myself and I feel so gross and fat. I'm about 90 lbs heavier than I want to be, and the fact that Sam's mistress is 100lbs soaking wet makes me feel like he's totally repulsed by me. He stopped wanting to have sex with me and I think that's why. I also feel so much shame that I gave up on myself.
 
I've been reading about the 5 stages of grief and I feel like I've been through it so many times with Sam. I get to the bargain stage and feel so upset that I'd just take him.back to avoid the pain. I feel that's where I am now, not that I'd take him back, but I'm feeling so shitty I just want the pain to go away so I can see where I've stumbled so many times.

This article is really useful to me: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup
 
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I recommend focusing on all the shitty things he did to you. Know that it wasn't your body shape or weight that led to him avoiding sex. He just got bored, because he is missing a normal brain.

Want to trade horror stories? Here is one of mine. When we were nearing the end of our relationship, I had accidentally left a small hickey on Ginger's upper chest during sex. A day or 2 later, he came over with a huge hickey over where mine had been. He told me that he told his new gf to put it there, as a "fun" message or greeting to me! I thought that was really rude, as I'd barely ever met her, and we weren't friends. So I told him it bothered me.

A few days later, we were invited to a garden party at the house of a "friend" of his. His new gf and her husband were there, as well as a good 35-40 guests of all ages, from the hostess's UU church. It was a coolish day and the pool in the yard was chilly from recent rains. Only kids were in it. Well, until Ginger, his gf and her husband (that he was also fucking and triangulating with her) stripped off to go in. When Ginger took off his shirt, in the yard in front of everyone, he had 6 (!) hickies all over his left chest in a perfect circle around the nipple. I commented, and he said it was "an accident." Yeah, right. And so they all hopped in the pool. And his new lovers (I suspected the guy was also a Narc.) started making out with each other madly right next to the children playing.

It was all so inappropriate and gross I could hardly believe it. Ginger was 60 and his lovers were in their 40s. They were acting like idiots. I broke up with him 2 days later.

And this wasn't the only time he had been inappropriately sexual in front of children.
 
That sounds pretty awful :( I definitely have been telling myself to think of the bad stuff. Not just the fact that he's super inconsiderate or that he could never say no to anyone else, so I was frequently let down, but to be honest, he's pretty boring. The only thing I really miss is the guy he pretended to be to win me over.

This is the time where I would waffle, and decide to forgive him, and make any excuse for him in order to justify what he's done, mostly because I don't want to lose him. But we don't have anything together, really. We don't have shared interests and we don't have much in common either. I can't go to his house, and he was fine with that. Looking back, when I could go to his house, it was actually pretty boring. I was holding on to a dream that someday it would be good, but it wasn't really going to happen because I wouldn't really be happy. He was fun to party with, but that's pretty much it.
 
Well, I was weak. The split didn't last long. When we broke up, side chic asks to move in with Sam. Ultimately he broke things off with her.

I went to his play where she was a lead in a short. (It was similar to tales from the crypt.) She had attempted to get him to tell me I could not come, but I did anyway. She avoided looking in my direction.

Well, the next day, he tried to get me to come over, later than I normally would, and basically lied about his plans. I discovered that he had planned ongoing to watch her roller derby, so I insisted we go together. Afterwards she approached us and introduced herself. She then proceeded to ask him to the after party when I had stepped away. He broke things off with her the next day. She said she threw up from being so upset and sent him a pic.

I had considered what it would be like if Sam and I were together monogamously and I determined that living with himis not an option. I would never be happy in a traditional relationship with him. Unfortunately, I can understand why he cheated, as I had done the very thing to my ex. I just want to have fun with him and still have my life with Nate.

5 years ago, Nate and I met a poly couple on ok cupid and friended them. We hung out one time a couple years later, but there really didn't seem to be any friendship chemistry there. I eventually unfriended them as I wasn't engaging with either, but Nate still kept them on his friends list. Well the guy, Mike, was out of town with the kids and Nate asked the gal, Anna, if she wanted to hang, since they have stuff in common and he wanted to see her drawings. He went to her house and ended up spending the night there. He told me next day that they were watching shows, then that led to cuddling, which led to making out, which led to them almost having sex. Neither had a condom, so it didn't happen.

Maybe we shouldn't have sex with her. She told him flat out that she and her husband have a rule that, although poly, she is not allowed to have sex with other guys. It is to be anything but sex. Yet the next night Nate went there and ended up having sex with her. He totally felt like s*** afterwards. They both talked in great detail about why having sex with each other would be a super bad idea.

Then the next night, she was really pushing to come over to our house, because she said the next day her time would no longer be her own. I didn't think Nate would have sex with her, but he ended up having sex with her again. To make matters worse, not only did she cheat on Mike but she didn't use a condom with Nate, because he is not circumcised. She'd never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised and honestly, when you throw a condom on there, it doesn't make any difference.

The next day, she told her husband on the long drive back from the airport. He was not happy at all, but he's acting very nice to Nate. She made an appointment to get tested for STIs. But it's going to be a while, so therefore she will not have sex with her husband, who'd been gone for 2 weeks, until she gets tested.

Nate is going to go ahead and get tested on Monday. She texted me and was like oh boy. I got to talk about our new relationship to Mike, which kind of bothered me because, imo, there isn't going to be a relationship. It's going to be the same as it is with all the rest of his f*** buddies. But then Mike specifically said that he wanted the three of them to get together and talk it out. I'm like, where do I fit into all of this? I'm Nate's wife. If they're all getting together to talk about the logistics of the friendship between Anna and Nate, shouldn't I be involved too?

I want ahead and messaged Mike. We talked about some stuff and it made me feel a lot better because he told me that they have a very committed 11 year relationship and he just needed to talk in person with me to try to feel better about the situation. Because even though Anna has cheated on him before like this, he is willing to forgive her. Honestly, the way Nate was making it sound, Mike didn't have a choice in the matter, like Anna had decided that she was going to continue seeing him, regardless.

It's just a really messed-up situation. This is completely new to me, because every time he has had sex with somebody before, it was ethical. So now we have to deal with a husband who was really upset his wife cheated. I don't know what expectations Anna had, because in the past when they have had boyfriends it was a triad. But Nate is straight and not looking for more than FWBs with a woman or trans person.

It seems like once I start feeling comfortable with one friend with benefits, suddenly there's another one popping up that I have to deal with and be scared of. I just now got comfortable with Deanna coming over to my house. Nate told Anna that he has multiple f*** buddies and that he's not going to stop seeing them.

I really wish this hadn't happened. It really sucks for Mike to have to deal with this emotional turmoil.
 
I'm feeling pretty good. I've been doing low carb since getting back home. I started hcg diet again and been sticking to it since Friday. I was a vegetarian for almost 5 years, but unfortunately I just can't seem to lose weight or feel satiated on the vegetarian protein options on hcg. I'm happy that I feel motivated and not remotely interested in cheating.
 
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