Tales from the Time Share Wife

Nate came home and we talked alone for a few hours. He said we should become monogamous and work on our marriage. He thinks that my insecurity about Jo the other night has ruined things for him. (He hasn't talked to her all weekend.) He feels bad that I have another life with someone else. All the old insecurities that he had in the beginning seem to have come back. He thinks that if we continue on this path, our marriage will fade away.

I think he's just depressed. We talked about him going on antidepressants. He isn't on them now, because he does medical studies (since he's a stay-at-home dad) to bring in money, and can't take them. I guess I will do the medical studies, in addition to my full-time job and full-time work, if that means that he would feel better. I had thought to get in them anyway, but that was to help up pay off debt faster.

I told him that he should have said this a couple days ago when it was an option. But now that Sam and I are back together, the option is off the table. There is no way I can leave Sam. He means so much to me. The two days we were apart proved to me how much I want him in my life.

We listened to music, talked, fucked (yes, fucked), and he seems to feel better. I think the fact that I told him that his behavior the other day was abusive has really hit him hard and made him believe that I would be better off without me. But I don't think that is the case-- I think he's in a funk. He told me he was sorry that he couldn't just accept me for who I am. He use to be able to, but he can't anymore.

I told him to keep seeing Jo. I said we will get though this. We are just transitioning.

This seems like the same old pattern. We fight, he gets mopey, and I feel bad that I've made him depressed. This is why I never stand up for myself, because it always ends up with me trying to make him happy. I also can't believe that I didn't realize that him seeing Jo was a way for him to cope with my relationship with Sam. I had encouraged him for that very reason. I don't know how I lost sight of that!

Hopefully next week will be better. I think I'm going through a manic cycle right now, including PMS, so everything has just been very intense lately.
 
Nate is out getting laid by this chick he talks to but hasn't been able to see in a year. I hope it picks him up out of his funk.
 
just do what ur heart says fill ur desires and live ur own life which matters to u only anf if any thing makes u sad makes u in comfertable just leave that coz v r here to live, live free and happily till d day v die...
 
Nate came home and reported that he doesn't want us to mention our other partners to each other at all. He said he felt like if we stopped talking about our lifestyle, it would decrease the conflicts we have. I'm not sure it that will work, but I'm fine with trying that for awhile.

I've gone back and looked at stuff, and it seems like toward the end of every month we have these issues arise. It seriously has to have something to do with my cycle, because it's always around that time.
 
ravi said:
just do what ur heart says fill ur desires and live ur own life which matters to u only anf if any thing makes u sad makes u in comfertable just leave that coz v r here to live, live free and happily till d day v die...
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such eloquent words, I feel like they need to be written on a poster depicting majestic mist covered mountains.
 
Nate says hes going to try to rekindle things with Jo. I think this is a good idea, because otherwise says he's done with poly. I did feel jealous of the idea of him having a real relationship with someone, but now I'm hoping it works out, because I don't want anymore drama from him. If he's happy with her, he won't hassle me about my relationship. I think seeing her usefulness in this helps me with the idea of him having a gf.

So far so good with the no talking about others. I've had to make an effort a few times to not mention Sam, but otherwise it's been fine. I don't care to know about his relationship with Jo, so it's been easy for me not to ask.
 
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I think we'll be ok. We spent the little amount of time we had together making love and having a heart to heart. It was really nice.
 
Inyourendo said:
Nate says hes going to try to rekindle things with jo. I think this is a good idea...I did feel jealous of the idea of him having a real relationship with someone but now I'm hoping it works out because I don't want anymore drama from him. If he's happy with her he won't hassle me about my relationship. I think in seeing her usefulness in this helps me with the idea of him having a gf.
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I think this is how BF's wife viewed me: useful. Someone to keep BF from upsetting her life while she dated and slept with other men and went to parties without him. Someone to shut up his drama.

However, she still wanted to call the shots and not have me, or our relationship, interfere in her desires in any way. She definitely didn't want him to become so attached or fall in love, that she had any fear of ending up alone and having to get a job.

End result: I don't appreciate being treated like a useful toy to keep him occupied and quiet so she can do her thing without him being a nuisance. I broke up with him. He is crushed. He is a different man because of what he and I had for two years. It's going to impact their marriage. She's now going to have to deal with him, and with his grief and loss, and his decision never to have another girlfriend because of this.

There's a real danger in regarding another human being as 'useful.'
 
Well, I won't have anything to do with her or their relationship, so if I view her as useful, she'll never know it. I'm sorry you were made to feel that way.
 
Nate hasn't really seen Jo that much. He went to her apartment because he thought he was invited, but it turned out she was being sarcastic about him coming over. He had mentioned to her that he could come by before, and she said, "If you're allowed to." Turns out that she had no idea that Sam and I had gotten back together and that Nate wanted to try to rekindle things with her. Other than that, he only saw her because she asked for his help moving furniture. That kind of rubbed him the wrong way and made him feel used. He spent 2 days with her but told me that he definitely doesn't see any relationship potential there.

I felt like he was blaming me for that, due to her saying before that i had felt my influence on their relationship (like early on). I dont think it's fair to me for Nate to go off to people and tell them about how I handle myself at home. If I'm not interacting with a meta, then it's none of their business. If I'm upset about a situation, why does Nate need to tell them about it? it just makes them uncomfortable or question whether or not they can actually be with him long term. It's not on me if he over-shares.

I know all this because Nate has decided that his rule of not telling each other about other partners is stupid. I was fine with it, but he wanted to be able to talk to me about how things were (not) progressing with her.

Other than that, things seem to be good. They always are, though, until they aren't. I still feel like he makes up problems that aren't there.

I've been trying to do more stuff with him, like we had sex in some risky places recently and had a pseudo 3way with Jane the other night. (He hadn't had sex with her in like 9 months.)

I am also trying to listen to him more, take the kids out so he has more alone time, and work on some stuff that he doesn't like, because I really do want him to be happy.

He still says the only reason I care about his happiness is because my relationship with Sam depends on it. Perhaps in the beginning I felt that way.

But honestly, he's made me feel that he's not sure if he wants to stay with me in the long run. I feel like working on the things that bother him is my way of fixing the things in our relationship that he can't tolerate so he can feel better about being with me.
 
Nate said this:

"I'm finding it harder to remember what I like about you and harder to let go of shit you do to me."

The latest offense was that I continued to playfully tease our daughter after he said to stop last Friday. So I'm going to let this go.

The things that I do that "hurt" him are absurd. Basically, I feel like if I don't comply with his every absurd demand, then I'm hurting him, and my list of offenses will continue to grow. He says he wants to work things out, but feel hopeless. It seems like every time he thinks I'm making progress, I do something to show I haven't changed (like not complying). I just don't understand why he creates imaginary issues.
 
I came home from work this morning and hugged and kissed him. No discussion about our texts last night. Things feel pretty normal, but then again, things always appear happy until he sends me a shitty text like that.
 
Nate and I had some talks which were really good. He confessed to me that he just feels sad that we are leading separate lives, and doing things with other people, when he wants to share everything with me.

We also talked about divorce, and how it's not a good idea, and how he wouldn't be any happier with anyone else. He thanked me for having the conversation without having a "hissy fit." I guess the crux of it all is he wants me to listen to him and not cut him off. In the past I've avoided conversations like these because in my mind it's not something I want to talk about, since it's never going to happen.

Things have been going really well since then. Nate and I are camping today until Friday, then I'm dropping him and the kids off and taking Sam back to the camp site until Sunday evening. It's going to be a lot of fun. Sam's friends will most likely be joining us, as well.

Things with Sam are great. He's really been great about dealing with all of this.
 
The camping trip was a lot of fun. I really like this new campground that we stayed at. Even though it rained all day Wednesday, it wasn't bad. Nate wasn't in much of a fun mood, sadly. He never even went into the lake with us. He's kind of a low energy guy who prefers staying out of the sun and reading comic books. But Thursday we spent a few hours at the amusement park. It was super packed, despite it being overcast most of the day, The kids had fun playing in the huge kid area, at least.

I wish someone could have came camping with us. We always have a lot more fun in a group than just 1 on 1.

I got a late start with Sam Friday because I had to take my 15-year old to get antibiotics. But Friday night was wonderful, and the next day we drove to get his ex-brother-in-law and we took him to the amusement park with us. We didn't get back to the campsite until 3 am that night. The next day, we swam in the lake, then headed over to the water park after we packed up camp. Spending those 2 days straight with him was awesome!

It was really nice being able to come home and not feel guilty. Thankfully, Nate was in a good mood, so I didn't feel like i was being punished by him for my time away.
 
Jane had broken things off with her boyfriend, Dan. She found herself in a situation where she was allowing his baby mama Mandy to stay there, since she's homeless. Up until recently, she was estranged from him. Turns out Dan was having sex with Mandy and lying about it. She confronted Mandy, who admitted to it freely. But Dan had told her that it was cool. Well, the sneaking around and having sex in her bed was not cool. She kicked him out, but the next day he somehow managed to weasel his way back in. So now Jane is being a super doormat. She is going to be supporting both of them, and his kid, and they can just have fun doing whatever. I'm so upset that she lets people walk all over her. I can't stand Dan. All he would do in class was badmouth her to me. I also didn't like the way she totally ignored me these past 8 months because she was so wrapped up in him. I was excited to finally have my friend back.
 
So much for not being punished. :( He hasn't had sex with me since Monday. We normally do it every day. Wednesday I mentioned it, and Thursday before work I pushed for it. I told him to be ready for me when I got off work Thursday, since we didn't do it before work. Last night I got home and he just turned out the light and slept clear on the other side. Today I asked him what he wanted to do tonight and he said, "I think Kate is kid-free tonight." I told him he doesn't get to go fuck other people if he's denying me sex, and he said, "I'll take that into consideration."

I know he's playing mind games. I know he wants to hurt me. But I'm not playing these freaking games with him!
 
I told him I was unhappy about his choice, that I felt like he was trying to punish me, that he was playing games with me. He told me that he wasn't trying to punish me, not trying to play mind games. He told me that he wasnt feeling affectionate toward me. He told me that when I kissed him the other day it almost made him want to vomit. He wasn't feeling good about himself and he was sleeping with her to make himself feel better. He was hoping it would make him feel more affectionate toward me.

I told him that I wont be like Jane and live with someone who wasn't being intimate with me. I won't accept being roommates. He came home and took a shower. He called me over and we had sex. It felt very passionate and it pleased me. He told me he just can't get over this. He was upset about me camping with Sam. He knows it isn't fair to feel that way, but he cant help it. He was just trying to deal with his feelings. I guess this is what happens when he eats his feelings and doesn't talk about them.

The root of it all (it seems) is that he's lonely when I'm gone and he doesn't have anyone to hang out with. Well, I guess he could, but he doesn't really make an effort. He's going to make a point to go out and do stuff with friends, even if he doesn't have a lady friend to do stuff with. I just reminded him to think of it as me being away two nights a week.

I think he's also stressed out about this comic convention we are going to next weekend. He has a lot of stuff to prepare for before the trip. This is in addition to the fact that he seems to be coming with terms that he's the best he's ever going to get with his medium, he's actually thinking that he's gotten worse than he use to be. I love his paintings. I wish he would just go that route full time, instead of comics.

Last night, Sam and I retraced our first date night, since it was our 6 month anniversary. <3 It was a wonderfully romantic evening.
 
Dan broke up with Jane on Friday, saying Mandy wasn't willing to share. I think it is so shitty that Jane allowed Mandy to come into her home, out of the goodness of her heart, then Dan and Mandy start cheating behind Jane's back.

I encouraged Jane to kick both of them out. She doesn't want them there. They are being extremely insensitive to her, like moving the couches together so they can cuddle, and being all lovey-dovey in front of her. Jane has been leaving the house with her kids because she can't stand to be around them, and Dan has been demanding to know where she is going, with whom, and when she's coming back. Then he has the freaking gall to say her not telling him is "inappropriate." I really really hope that she sends them packing. I hope that she's not going to allow them to continue to freeload off of her.

Jane confronted Dan about the Fetlife ads I found, where he was looking for couples to have sex with. He denied that they were real and said "I only created them to test whether or not you were checking up on me." Yeah, right!
 
Nate has decided to go barrier-free with a long term fwb Laurel. They probably hook up a couple times a week and she's tested clean. This makes him happy. He hasn't gone barrier-free with another since he and Jane went back to condoms several months ago. It makes me kind of nervous, but he trusts that she won't have unprotected sex with others.
 
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