Tales from the Time Share Wife

I went over there tonight, we made love and talked. Damn, it was amazing, as always. We agreed that whenever one of us is feeling vulnerable or distant, then we need to address it with each other right away and not get so ugly toward each other, because we are both usually such reasonable people. It seems the only issue that's ever been on the table is the baby thing, and that's mostly my fault, since I told him that is what I wanted back in the beginning when we were still in NRE. I took it back, then I felt bad and said "maybe," but I think deep down I knew that maybe was probably going to be a no when the time came.

Like I said, his big fear is we won't work out and then he'd be in his 40s without a child. But people have children in their 40s all the time, esp men. I don't really feel like that is something that he needs to worry about.

Now that I've been able to see him again, I feel so much more connected to him, almost like our time together casts a spell over me that is broken whenever we are apart for extended periods of time.
 
WhatHappened said:
Does Sam consider this an actual marriage? A commitment ceremony, a home where you're there only half the time, and knowing there will never be children and you're married legally to someone else? Does he feel this will give him any more certainty that this will last a lifetime? Do you intend this relationship to last the rest of your lives if you have this commitment ceremony?
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Yes, Sam does consider that an actual marriage. I take this very seriously. This is why I wasn't able to marry him when we went to the Ren Faire, not only because I felt it was too soon, but I had the whole baby thing in the back of my mind. When I do marry him it will be a commitment. I will be as committed to him as I am to my legal husband.

Sam had assured me that if I were able to give him the level of affection that I do now, that he would be happy with having me half the time. I guess it's no different than my friend who's married to a truck driver-- he's only home a couple days a week. Obviously his idea of having a marriage included a wife that was there all the time and a child. So this is different. He pretty much told me that when he got with me, he had given up on feeling anything for anyone. He dated 2 women for a while whom he'd never even had sex with. He had a girlfriend a few months who he did have sex with, but he regretted it. He considered her a weak-willed, unintelligent woman, so he broke it off with her.

Like I said, his first wife was not going to have a child with him either, and he accepted that because he wanted to be with her. She was with him all the time though. I told him I was sorry that he was lonely and that I knew it was my fault because he's in this poly situation with me. But he assured me that even when he was married to his wife, he still felt lonely at times, just as when he was single he felt lonely at times. That made me feel better to know that he keeps pretty busy and it's not like he's just sitting around pining away without me.

He was so hung up over his ex that he thought he would never love another woman. But then he met me, and 2 years later I asked him out and he fell for me. Perhaps now that he's gotten over his ex and all the shit she put him through, even if things didn't work out for us, he'd be able to love someone else.
 
This is what Nate said on Fetlife: "I think I may be done. I keep edging closer to it, but this time, I know my wife is actively been sabotaging my relationships-- and I've been too burnt out to notice, which isn't fair to them."

He couldn't tell me how I was sabotaging, but he told me that I must be. I was just hanging out at Sam's when April messaged me, asking what was going on. She saw the update and wanted to know what it was about. I had no clue! As far as I was concerned, everything was hunky dory with Nate and me. We had a great afternoon and made love before I left.

I called him up. He sounded very depressed and told me that "Things weren't fine when I left." Well, news to me. I was gone for an hour. I have no idea what happened during that time. I ended up going home because I knew that my time at Sam's would make me feel extremely anxious about Nate. Out of respect for Nate's wishes, I did not talk to him about it, because I knew he didn't want to. But he did reveal to me that he doesn't like "drunk Sue."

Friday night we went out on a date (we awkwardly ran into Sam lol) and I ended up drinking too much of the free and paid for drinks. As far as I know, other than being obnoxious, I hadn't done anything wrong. But the fact is I do have an issue with binge drinking, so I have decided that I really shouldn't be drinking anymore because once I start it's very hard to stop.

The next day I left the house with all the kids to visit my ex in-laws, as planned. Nate had told me basically that he posted that on Fetlife so that Deanna would see it. I don't appreciate being the bad thing here. I have three boundaries: 1. Condoms. 2. Go Dutch on dates. 3. No guests in our home. Well, because I didn't want her in the house, even though he had her over twice against my wishes, somehow that meant I was sabotaging. I feel like he should choose dates with people who can host.

This one lady who is involved in the Fet/pagan community who knows us all messaged Nate and he then went on to tell her that he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend, despite me having a boyfriend. She went on to talk about double standards. What he failed to tell her was that I'm not allowed to have 7 lovers like he is. Is it a rule? No, but I know he would hate it. Just like I dont have a rule that he can't have a girlfriend, but he knows I would hate it. I can't prevent him from developing feelings for others. He simply doesn't. He doesn't even want a girlfriend anyway. He basically posted that on there so I'd be the bad guy and he won't be accused of using her for sex. I'm not saying that he's just using her for sex, but it seems that once he did have sex with her, their talks have all but disappeared.

The reason she's hasn't been coming over are, the kids are here, he didn't want company, she was sick, he was sick and I was here. It wasn't like I had anything to do with those things. It's also not my fault that he hasn't been seeing her. He still manages to make time for all the fuck buddies that he can see at their houses. I think the fact that she has a shared vehicle with her husband, she can't have Nate over, and life in general is what has kept them apart. Not me. He could just be backing off because he knows I don't like her, but the only I had with her was the fact that he disrespected me by telling me that she was coming over here against my wishes. I could care less if he went on dates with her and went to her house. It's not my fault that it's an option. We simply can't afford to pay her way.
 
So Sam decided to go ahead and have sex with his coworker that has been coming on to him. They had hot haunted house rape sex. He ended up telling me because he kept picking fights and acting defensive and I knew something was up. I had no issue that he wanted to have sex with someone else, or that he did. My issue had been that he agreed that he would just do whatever he wanted and I would be none the wiser. He's not poly and isn't seeking out a lover or a girlfriend. I see no point of being privy to his occasional dalliances.

He had asked me if he was allowed to the other week, which set me off that he had someone in mind and that he planned to do something. He told me that he would feel too guilty keeping it from me. Well, even so, he was feeling extremely guilty for doing it, even though he had permission. So that's a huge part of why he was acting out. I maintain though that he shouldn't have asked, because that meant that I knew, and I simply did not want to know. Well, we talked and I feel better and he was glad that he got to share his once-in-a-lifetime experience with me.

I'm just shocked that he would have casual sex in the first place. He's always putting Nate down for being a slut, yet then he goes out and has sex with a girl who has a boyfriend. I guess he just succumbed to the urges. He told me that working at the haunted house brought out a dark side in him, this girl knew all the right buttons to push, she had been hitting on him for weeks, and he knew this wasn't an experience that was likely to happen.

So far, working at the haunted house, he's probably lost 15 lbs on his already thin frame (6'4 and 170 before). He ended up cracking a rib. He's sick from some kind of virus. He's just run down. This guy worked 40 hours at his regular job, then another 5-6 hours a night running around. He's the type that needs 10 hours of sleep a night. I know there was no way he was getting that. I also know he wasn't eating enough, because he has to force himself to eat as it is.

I don't know if working there next year would be a good idea. I know that he got so much enjoyment out of it, and a lot of pride, because everyone complimented him. But for his health, I just don't think he should do it, or at least, if he does, just part time.
 
Tales from the time share wife is coming to an end. There have been some amazing highs, but the lows have been awful. Sam disclosed to me that he would get with his coworker if I left him. He's made it clear that he'd be on to the next one if I left. I'm not going to make a huge list justifying my decisions, but I just am not willing to continue down this path. I'm hurt. I've hurt both Nate and Sam. Every aspect of my life just feels so unbalanced. So it's over, and in the long run everyone will be happy.
 
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Well this just went incredibly wrong in a "public" setting. I do hope the two of you find what you are each looking. And I hope that you don't choos to settle in the future "sam".
 
Thank you for your encouraging words. Just so it's clear, I regret nothing and I'm glad I took the gamble. It's given me amazing experiences and has awoken something in me I didn't think I had. If I didn't get with her I never would have had the state of mind to do the things I have done or had the experiences I did. She will always have a special place in my heart, even if she wasn't the woman I thought she could be.
 
Well, I stand corrected. It's not end. I can get through this hurt and confusion. Sam is truly a sweetie pie for standing by this crazy lady's side. Who knew my first legit poly relationship would be such a rollercoaster? I sure didn't!
 
Someone that can't stop falling for crazy chicks who have too much sass and spirit! I would leave you but I doubt I could find another girl with your quirks, charisma, or addicting insanity. Plus you would probably hunt me down and kill me!
 
I've decided to get off the birth control. I knew from past experience that hormones mess with me and haven't taken any since I was a teenager. I was hoping this low dose would be okay, but it seems like I go off the deep end whenever my cycle is about to start. Looking into non-hormonal options.
 
Sam told his client's mom about the nature of our relationship. He considers them to be a secondary family to him. She had calmly asked how things were, because she knew he'd been stressed lately. He told her he was stressed about the move and the increased rent. (Although it *is* $40 more a month, the first month is free, so at the end of the year he's only out $40, plus he paid a $300 deposit. He is also rehoming his cat, so that will save him money, as he will not be buying litter, food, air fresheners, and flea treatment. Jesus, he's also going to be getting a $3/hr pay increase soon. So it's definitely not a financial hardship.)

She wanted to know why I wasn't helping with bills and he told her that I was still going to maintain my own residence. She asked for how long, so he 'fessed up that it was indefinitely, and the man she saw me with is my husband and that this is the life I live. She was very accepting and supportive of him. I feel better that he's not hiding because I don't like being closeted.

I also started a second Facebook, one where I can be Sam's girlfriend, and my posts there will be geared toward our relationship vs my other one that is focused on my home life with Nate.

Nate had told me that he didn't want me getting back with Sam. I told him that it's too late and I'm not breaking up with him again. Nate had told me the other day that he'd be gone if it weren't for our girls. It got me thinking that I'm not going to lose Sam for a man who doesn't want to be with me.

Nate and I had a long talk. I told him I can't give anymore. He has anxiety about working. After he got fired in 2009 I let him stay home and never asked him to work. I supported him when he ran for office. I support his art and go with him to conventions. We pay money to travel, even though we don't come close to breaking even. He can't handle my "outbursts." I try really hard to keep things pleasant with him. The last thing I could do is finally agree to let my 9-year old live with his dad full time. (We will still have him Mon-Fri all day, and some weekend days, if we want.) My son doesn't like Nate and wants to live with his dad.

I told Nate there is nothing left. I give and give and give and there isn't anything else. I can't make him happy, but I'm tired of being brought down. He's agreed to get on meds, something he's considered but we haven't done because he needs to be drug free to do medical studies. I guess the final thing I can give is to do the medical studies myself, since his mental health needs to be priority.


I told him I try so hard and he needs to be patient with me because I'm human. I stumble. I love him and I want to be better, but I will backslide sometimes. I also told him I take marriage very seriously. My grandma and grandpa were together for almost 50 years until he died. My mom is still with her husband after 32 years. The people we marry aren't dispensible. Nate, on the other hand, comes from a broken home, where both parents were married 3 times. It's clear that he views his commitments very differently.

Nate says our talk the other day made him feel a lot better about our relationship and that he understands me better. He also doesn't seem bothered that I chose to get back together with Sam. I'm not viewing Sam as the one who is creating the chaos in my life. He's here to stay. If my husband, who is only with me for the kids, doesn't want to be with me, I'm done fighting for him. I will love him. I'll stay with him. I'll be happy with him. But I'm not sacrificing Sam for him. Because I fucking love Sam so much, our brief time apart was devastating to me. I didn't realize how much it would hurt, thinking of life without him.

I also reiterated to Sam that again that I do not want any inclination that he plans on having sex with others. I need him to respect that, unlike last time, where he broke our agreement by letting me know he wanted to, and had someone, then later revealing to me that he had sex, even though I didn't want to know, nor did I ask.

Nate had messaged all of his fuck buddies that he's out. I don't want that for him, but he feels guilty. He also feels judged by others (slut shamed). I think it's mostly because he's depressed. I'm hoping that when he pulls up he'll go back to seeing his old regulars. I know they enjoyed their time with him, as did he.
 
One thing I love about Sam is that he's very private and even his closest friends and family don't really know the real him. I love that he trusts me to see who he really is and to share his secrets. It's saying a lot that he would feel comfortable to come on my personal blog and say things that may or may not be accurate, to say things that I could find humiliating and hurtful because he was angry, yet not fear vengeful retribution. It means a lot that he trusts me that much he doesn't worry that I would expose him.
 
Somehow Nate got in his head that Sam and I were split up.

Nate: you're taking the girls Tue?

Me: Sure, but they can't spend the night until Sam moves.

N: Oh, you're still banking on that happening?

M: On what happening?

N: You getting back together with Sam.

M: Sam and I got back together. I told you that after you told me you didn't want me getting back together with Sam. You even asked me if that meant I was going there Saturday, and I told you no, because I told Sam I needed a few days.

N: OK.

Then things seemed normal. We joked around, took the girls out to dinner, came home and talked about the meds he's going to be starting. I'm really hoping that this isn't going to end up being another thing. I'm seriously tired of drama.

Just this morning I was inquiring about this new girl Sam added on FB. It resulted in him getting pissed at me, and me choosing to delete my profile pics. Since Sam has several hundred Facebook friends and I have around 50, I've decided to make sure I have maximum privacy, because quite honestly, he just adds strangers and I prefer an intimate group. I don't want people snooping. He's upset because my good looks seem to be a source of pride for him and now I've hidden my pic.

Also for myself is the element that he's added everyone from the haunted house, including the girl he screwed, and her boyfriend, who doesn't have a clue. I ended up blocking both of them. I'd like to move on, but seeing the haunted house people just brings it all back.

My style of dealing with things is too disassociate from all things unpleasant that remind me of it. Even at age 6 I remember getting mad at the girl the next street over and vowing not to return. And for the rest of the summer I didn't.

Sam wants me to go to karaoke with him, but a bunch of the haunted house people go there, including an older woman who aggressively pursued him to have an affair with her, since she claims to be in a loveless marriage. I just don't want to be around any of it. Plus, since I've decided not to drink, I don't want to be tempted at a bar or social gatherings.
 
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Sam said a lot of hurtful things this morning. He told me that he feels like I'm a secret girlfriend. He used a LOT of f words. He pretty much made it clear to me that he's not giving up the haunted houses. I'm just not sure our relationship can handle another year of him being in a black mood, getting sick, being stressed, and barely seeing each other. It makes me feel hesitant to make a commitment if something like that is just going to tear us apart.

Ultimately we both apologised. Even though I'm not used to be talked to that way, or blown up on, I'd much rather deal with a quick blow up and resolution than dealing with silent treatment, withdrawal of affection and sulking. I'm just going to have to put on my big girl panties and deal with these haunted house people, because he plans on being friends with them. Although because our time is so limited, I prefer to just do stuff with him alone than to socialize with others.
 
Inyourendo,

I read through some of the recent pages on this blog, and had a question for you: Are you in any treatment or therapy for some of the issues you've had regarding your mood cycles or manic times? The other poster, your boyfriend, alluded to some behavior you'd demonstrated that was a little bit disconcerting. Regarding the breaking into Nate's accounts, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I hope you are, and I wish you well. It seems like things can be a real struggle for you at times, so I was curious.

Good luck in any case.
 
monkeystyle said:
Inyourendo,

I read through some of the recent pages on this blog, and had a question for you: Are you in any treatment or therapy for some of the issues you've had regarding your mood cycles or manic times? The other poster, your boyfriend, alluded to some behavior you'd demonstrated that was a little bit disconcerting. Regarding the breaking intobehavior is not at Nate's accounts, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I hope you are, and I wish you well. It seems like things can be a real struggle for you at times, so I was curious.

Good luck in any case.
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I don't take meds other than birth control, which I've stopped taking. The only time I was on anything else was antidepressants for a year after the birth of my son due to PPD. I've known since I was a teenager that hormonal birth control makes me psycho. That is why since age 17 I've only used non-hormonal birth control. It's pretty clear to me that the hormones are giving me a hard time, which is why I'm getting off of them. This erratic is not at all typical for me. Yes, I do believe that I have bipolar 2, but the cycles I experience are long and the highs have never done anything other than make me have a lot of energy and be very social.

I'm looking forward to getting these hormones out of my system and getting back to normal!
 
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