Tales from the Time Share Wife

Nate said I could go to the movies with Sam last night. I don't want to break up with Nate, but it's pretty fucking clear he's never going to be ok with me being with Sam. He's always bringing up the past.

Nate's never going to let go that I wasn't glued to my phone the night of my first date with Sam and didn't respond to him, that I had sex with my BOYFRIEND without his permission, that I chose to start wearing a band to signify I wasn't available, that Sam bought a ring for himself, etc., etc.

He's never going to be ok with me marrying Sam. Forget giving Sam a family. I'll never be anything more than half a woman to him. I'm just so fucking tired of fighting with him. He is always going to fucking fight with me about this. I just can't fucking handle the emotional backlash.
 
Sam and I are going to take a break for two months. I'm going to spend some time with Nate see if I really want to continue being with Sam. I want to right now. The thought of breaking up with Sam is devastating because I don't want to break up with him. There's the issue though, what if the time I decide that I do want to stay with Sam, and Nate still isn't okay with it? I feel like this 2 months if I really gave it a shot and I still want to be with Sam, then Nate is going to have to accept it. I don't want to be in a position where I break up with Sam for Nate. I don't think it's possible for me to let him go.

Nate revealed to me today that when we got together we were just going to have threesomes and stuff. Well, over the years, it's just gotten to the point where he has multiple lovers and I have a boyfriend now, and he never wanted that. I feel for him, I do but I can't undo the past 10 months.
 
Nate and I talked last night before I went to work, and as I looked at him I had this moment of clarity. I saw a man who is just broken and makes me feel very bad. I feel like he's made me such a healthy person compared to who I used to be, and all I've done is bring him down. :( I sincerely hope that the meds make him feel better. Otherwise. I feel like I'm just going to bleed him dry. He told me I'm self serving and he's a pleaser and because of this, he's resentful for my early codependent behavior when we first got together.

Next month we plan on driving out of town to visit a friend of ours for the weekend. We are going to talk about everything with her because we feel like she will be able to help guide us through this difficult time and help us communicate.

A lot of the issue is that Nate and I don't communicate very well together. We have very different communication styles. We also will never see the same perspective. His version of the truth is way different than my version of the truth. He has a very unique perspective on things. He sees things that are levels deep, where I just see the surface stuff. So it makes things difficult for us, because he sees agenda, where I see things at face value, and if I don't take his word for it, he gets angry, because he wants me to trust him and believe in him.
 
Nate has figured out the reason he feels like shit all the time is he has tons of anxiety. I find it really annoying that he's been going around telling everyone who will listen that I'm just throwing meds at him, that my solution to everything is putting him on meds, when he's the who's been saying for 2+years that he should be on meds.

He told me last night that the reason why he said he'd be gone if it weren't for girls is because he feels like he's just bringing me down and that I'd be happier without him. He also told me that he loves me so much and that's why he's fighting for marriage. He says the reason why he hasn't been really close to me, why he hasn't been able to tell me that he loves me, is because he's just so full of anxiety, feels like crap all the time and feels like he's worthless.

I think that once he starts on meds a part time job would be really good for him. He needs to get out of the house more often.
 
Awww, Sam is so sweet. He said he loves me so much. He accepts that I am in love with two men and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm so grateful that he's willing to take a step back temporarily while I help Nate go through this anxiety problem he's dealing with. He's such an understanding and compassionate man.
 
Nate and I had a talk this morning. He knows for certain that Sam and I are not broken up. He knows that no matter what happens I will always love Sam. He said he wished he would have factored that in when he agreed to me getting a boyfriend. He said, what's the point of the 2 month break? I said we need to work on our marriage right now.

I hope he sees that Sam isn't a bad guy. Sam cares about my happiness, so therefore it's in his interest that Nate and I work things out.

I don't want Nate leaving me, so I want to get things comfortable. Nate pointed out again that he dropped all his fuck buddies. I told him he didn't have to, and that he chose to for his own reasons. I told him if he felt guilty for being "slut shamed" then he can just choose quality vs quantity.
 
Nate has accepted that Sam and I will be together and I can't let him go. He told me that he should have considered the fact that I still love all of my exes when he agreed I could get a boyfriend. Just because Nate wants me to be with only him doesn't mean I can just stop feeling for Sam, and if I were actually capable of dumping Sam, I would be heartbroken because it wasn't my choice.

I was fully prepared for this to be a huge battle after the two months were up, but thankfully he's accepted it. Nate also found out that I saw Sam last week. He stalked us. He and I talked about it last night. He told me he loved me and he didn't want to make a big thing about it. He told me this morning that he's glad the way the talk went and that it didn't result in a fight. He's feeling really good about the situation in general.
 
All is well once again. Had a hard day last Sunday because Nate made me feel like he wasn't going to be ok with me having a boyfriend. But then he was fine the next day. He told me to start spending Tue nights with Sam again. and to take the girls with me. So I did. He enjoyed having the house to himself. I'll be taking them with me tomorrow to visit my ex-mother-in-law. He's happy I'm taking his need for alone time and he said that he was being resentful that I wasn't giving him alone time, but then I'd leave the house and do things. Even though he could go out he'd prefer staying in alone.

He started taking antidepressants on Monday. I think it's making it hard for him to ejaculate. He even visited Laurel today and couldn't get off.

Nate had told me that Laurel didn't like me. But today he told her he told me that, and she said she doesn't dislike me, but is very protective of him. So when he's bad-mouthing me, I'm the bad guy, in her eyes.

Tonight was my work holiday party. Sam and I attended with our clients. It's the first work function we've been at together. Sitting next to him in front of everyone we know was really nice, even though it's no secret to anyone that we're together.
 
Things have been great. Nate has seen a difference with the meds and has been a total hornball. lol

Sam and I have been doing great. I'm happy, no feelings of internal conflicts, so glad I realized that the birth control was messing with me. I'm enjoying being out of school for holiday break. Been picking up extra hours at work, making plans with friends and enjoying having time with friends.
 
One nice thing about the meds Nate is on is that he doesn't feel tired anymore. He use to need to nap, or he'd feel exhausted.

He and I went over to my friend's house for dinner last night. It was a lot of fun and the kids all had fun. I met her at work over a year ago and she's poly and into kink. I love her so much and am grateful I met her. She's become my closest female friend. She's friends with the couple Nate and I dated a few years ago (small world). Her wife is her slave and it was interesting seeing them interact in their own home, as I've only seen them in public and their dynamic is so different in their home. She keeps telling me I'm a natural domme. :p

Sam and I were able to go to the movies the other night. It was nice. I feel so close to him again after months of feeling so disconnected. Honestly, I feel toward him like I did when we first got together. It's almost like those months I was on hormones never happened. Since getting off I've been having hot flashes like crazy. I hope that ends soon because it's driving me crazy. I guess the nice thing is I haven't been cold at all.

Since I've been taking my kids to Sam's house, my almost 5 year old has taken notice that Sam and I have a romantic relationship. She says, "You guys act like you're married," and "Why are you kissing my mama?" Sam's so sweet and says, "Because I love your mama." ♡
 
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Nate, Jane, some friends and I played games last night. It was a lot of fun. Then we went to a dungeon and I got a fire massage. Jane ended up spending the night. It was just like old times. I've missed that a lot. I think Nate enjoyed himself, as well.
 
Feeling peace in both my relationships and feel lucky to have two great guys love me. So thankful to be here after a rollercoaster ride of a year. I have a feeling this year is going to be amazing
 
Nate and I talked. He'd like to meet a female that he has stuff in common with, that he'd like to spend time with outside of sex, that he can have sex with. Like a real honest to goodness friend with benefits that isn't going to get clingy, like they value their independence and wouldn't push for more. He said Cassie had been perfect and he wished she could have made an effort to stay with us. She was a friend we both used to fool around with, who later moved in, in a platonic way.

He wants me to be friends with the person he's with, but it seems to me that I don't like the women he's with, so it makes sense for me to never have anything to do with them. I told him I'm not meeting anyone he's with, there is no reason for it. I don't make him associate with Sam, I should not have to deal with any of his women. I think that is the best way to keep thing drama-free.

He uses condoms. (I'd be okay if it was a long-term relationship for him to go barrier-free, provided they were clean and not having other barrier-free partners.) He doesn't bring anyone to our home and goes Dutch on dates, as we can't afford to treat. I think those are reasonable boundaries. If he honors that, and the fact that I won't be involved in his relationship, all will be good.
 
Well, the cat's out of the bag. My ex husband knows about Sam now. My 9-year old son told him that I was taking him over there tomorrow and my ex told me that he doesn't care what I do in my personal life. but he doesn't want me bringing his kids around some boyfriend. I explained to him that the kids have all been around him multiple times as I've known him for 3 years. He basically doesn't want me promoting poly to the kids and making them think that having your wife "fuck around" is okay. Even though he was a unicorn hunter back in the day, and had a girlfriend. I basically told him that I wont be doing PDA in front of the kids and he said thank you, that is all he asks. That totally could have gone much worse.

Coincidentally, I saw him at school today. He's taking a class next door to mine. (He normally attends the university but I guess he wanted a different teacher for his Calc 2 class.) He poked me in the arm as he passed by. I felt this pull toward him. Even after all these years, I still feel such an attraction for him. It's the first time we've been under a roof together since our divorce 5 years ago.
 
Awww, today marks the anniversary of the day I asked Sam out. This year has gone by so fast. I was so excited that week we texted before our big date.
 
In celebration of our 1 year anniversary, Sam and I bought a couple rats. They are super adorable and the kids love them. The kids typically enjoy going over there, but I think when he moves into a bigger place it will be so much better. I look forward to setting up a cute bedroom for the girls.

Things feel pretty comfortable right now. Nate continues to work on his art goals. The antidepressant seems to be working, although he reports that he is more sleepy and his sex drive is pretty much in half. But he says he's relieved to not be so preoccupied with sex. He hasn't been active with any of his old partners or attempting to meet anyone new.

He and I plan to go to Branson for a convention in a couple weeks and another in Kansas city next month. I'm happy to support him in his desire to attend conventions and travelling in general. I have a feeling when the kids are grown I will want to eventually live abroad.
 

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Awww, so cute! Rats are the best :)
 
Sam got asked to leave his apartment. The reason given was that his apartment was in a "state of disrepair." He's been there 2.5 years and his apartment is tidy and clutter-free. The only issue is normal wear and tear for a long-term tenant. Sam thinks they think the kids and I live there because they see us come and go when we visit. The manager has talked to him a couple times asking if I've lived there.

It's a long running thing among my people that "Sue got her way." If I want something, I get it. Everything works out in my favor and I have incredible luck. Sam thinks this is one of those occasions. lol

It's perfect timing because Sam's mom dumped her abusive boyfriend, and it works out well for both of them that they roommate. I'm fine with that as long as the house isn't messy and she smokes outside. She's a sweet submissive lady who Sam holds in a high regard and gets along well with. Sam is like me in that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for someone he loves.

Hopefully we find a great place at a reasonable price. I'm crushing on this adorable house with different colored rooms. If we don't get it, I'm sure the next house will be even more perfect.

I've realized some really important things about Nate that really help me understand him and his needs. He's held fast to his lifelong dreams despite me hijacking him into love and marriage. I held him back for many years. He needed me to give him the freedom he had when he was a bachelor. When Sam came into the picture he was terrified I would just stick him with the kids all the time. Now I've been taking kids with me since Sam got everyone out of his apartment and more furniture. Nate needed alone time in the house. I've also been supporting him in going to conventions. Despite my social anxiety and dislike for crowds. I sometimes attend these with him, even if it's just for a couple hours.

I fully believe that over time Nate will feel like he can trust me again in knowing that I love and respect him. I can see now how my codependent behavior has damaged our relationship. I always thought because I worked 2 jobs and let him stay at home and didn't ask much of him, it meant that I would have my needs met in turn. But I didn't realize that those weren't his needs, they were consolation prizes, and I was too scared to give him his freedom.
 
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