Tales from the Time Share Wife

Not sure if I posted this, but Deanna will be moving super close, which means he won't be needing to occasionally host. This makes things easier on me and Deanna's excited too. She suggested to Nate that he can come over every night. He shot her down. I hope she doesn't get her hopes set on seeing him often, because when he had a close-by fuck buddy before he usually only went over weekly. At most his availability is 3 times a week, but if he has multiple sex partners he's not going to spend all his available days with her. He also doesn't usually even want to go anywhere else during his kid-free time.

A friend of mine once talked to Deanna's husband and he was really into her. He told her that Deanna tends to fixate on one guy, then her husband picks up the pieces when she gets hurt, because she picks guys that aren't available. This concerns me because Nate isn't poly. He definitely doesn't want a girlfriend. While he's friendly with his lovers, he's not really interested in anything more than online chat and hookups. it seems like she's following the same pattern and I hope to avoid drama. He's not leading her on or anything. He doesn't even encourage her.
 
In a continued effort to get to know and and learn to connect Deanna to positive emotions instead of negative ones, I had extended an invitation to an event Nate and I are going to. The problem was she needed a ride, which I would have gladly provided, but she invited along someone first, then asked if it was okay. The problem is the friend she invited is Frida, our acquaintance who talked shit on me and acted two-faced. I use to like Frida, but I don't like how mean she acts. Nate told Deanna I don't want Frida because I think she doesn't like me, and that of course got back to Frida, because we are apparently in high school. So Frida then told Nate she had no idea where I came up with that idea, and wants me to message her.

I've decided to ask for a do over. I can't hold a grudge against Frida for being loyal to her friend, especially after getting one side of the story from Nate in which I am the villain. I don't care to rehash things or try to justify my behavior, because Nate and I both did wrong last year, and trying to make excuses or pass blame isn't conducive to healing.

At the same time, it bothers me that I'm still the villain, while Nate is the saint in people's eyes.
 
Frida messaged me back. She said she didn't have any idea where I came up with the idea that she didn't like me, because she doesn't really know me and we've barely talked. I get that. She pretty much just trash-talked me to Nate, but she acknowledges that it was immature of her to say hurtful things after hearing a one-sided story and just assuming. So that's good, at least. Deanna decided to just take another friend with her tomorrow. At this point I think this may be the last time I put forth the effort. I kind of feel like I am past the point where I need to get to know her to feel better. I feel like the negative feelings are drastically diminished.
 
Deanna cancelled on going out tonight. I'm taking that as a sign that I'm no longer going to invite her out. I did make an effort, at least.
 
I ended up inviting Frida out with us and she joined us. Jane had been invited, but she's become very agoraphobic lately. It was pretty fun, although I found myself needing to go out back for some alone time. I called Sam and he posted this adorable Facebook post, "You know it must be love when she drunk dials you at midnight on a Friday night " Aww.

Yesterday's chat with Frida was good and she told me why she unfriended me last summer. I had always wondered. Turns out she misunderstood a post I tagged her in where I told her to keep her finger to herself (teasing about being poked). We've been chatting quite a bit today .

I noticed that Deanna had removed Nate as a play partner on Fetlife. I wonder what that's about. I wouldn't think it would be a jealousy issue from her husband, because her husband has a girlfriend on Fetlife.
 
Frida and I continue to chat. We talked on the phone for about an hour last night and it was pretty great.

Later Mary, her mother, Sam and I went to karaoke. Got pretty drunk. Mary's mom got stopped by the cops for suspicious behavior and I had to babysit her so she wouldn't do something stupid. Then she was acting crazy in the van. Mary, her mother, and I got out of the van and I decided to hitchhike home. I accidentally left my phone in the van and Sam read through it and was not happy with me, but thankfully I was able to reassure him the next day.

We all went out to lunch and lounged around Sam's house. Mary has decided that she does want to rent her house to Sam, which makes me very happy. If Sam was on the fence before, his high utility bill has given him a nudge. Turns out his air conditioner runs non-stop and still doesn't cool the house.

I have got to say I am so freaking glad I don't get hung over!
 
As Sam rubbed my feet the other day, I was telling Mary how good Jerry (her boyfriend/my ex) gave foot rubs. This upset her, and when she stopped crying she told me that Jerry refuses to rub her feet and the one time she begged him to he did a shit job and claimed he didn't know how.

Jerry confronted me later because he wanted to know what I said to Mary to set her off. I told him and that I had no idea he refuses to rub her feet, He told me he rubbed mine because I asked him to and she doesn't. I set Mary up with him because he was such a great boyfriend and we had a lot of fun and I thought he would treat her right.

So Mary confronts him, asking why I was treated so well but not her. He told her it's because he knew that I had options and he had to treat me right to keep me. I think that's pretty shitty of him. So because he thinks Mary isn't in high demand she shouldn't be treated like a keeper? Ugh. Mary is going back to him. I told Nate I would never tolerate that and he said that's exactly why I got treated well, because if people know you won't put up with shit they make sure not to give it.

I halfway wonder if she will ever be happy. These past couple weeks have reminded me how judgmental she can be and how much she loves to complain. I wonder if anyone will ever be good enough for her. I wonder if her criticism isn't emasculating to Jerry. He told me that she puts a lot of pressure on him and that it gets exhausting. I don't think it's necessarily that he treated me good to keep me, but rather I treated him good too. I'm not sure can really treat anyone good.
 
Nate is going to see Deanna for a bit after I go to work Sat night. She asked him if he could sleep over (because her friend is out of town) but Nate explained he's not comfortable leaving the kids home alone all night. She asked if I could take the kids, but he explained to her why that's not possible.

He doesn't like spending the night with people. The only two people he spent the night with was Glenda, who he likes a lot, and Nichole, who he also liked a lot, but lived out of town. I wish he would just be upfront about it, instead of getting her hopes up. He's never had a fuck buddy push for so much more before, and I don't think he knows how to handle it.
 
The move to Mary's house is a go! Almost twice the house for the same amount of money and in a better neighborhood. I'm very pleased about this.

Nate is going to the movies with Deanna tonight, but I heard from the grapevine that it's not a date. *head scratch* Nate doesn't care if she considers it a date or not. But I'm confused because if you have sex with someone on occasion and they ask you to see a movie, isn't that considered a date?
 
I thought things had changed with Nate, but yesterday afternoon showed me that they hadn't. Something came up, and when I said "I'm not cool with that," he said "I don't give a fuck." He says I'm not considerate of him, so he's not going to be considerate of me. I've bent over backwards these last few months conceding to him, and asking him what he prefers, and doing that instead of what I want. Clearly there isn't anything I can do to show him consideration, because unless he gets his way 100% of the time, I'm inconsiderate.

He wouldn't talk to me yesterday. He told me that he's never going to talk about things that upset me. Basically, anytime I get upset over the way he treats me, instead of talking to me, he dismisses me and turns it around where he's somehow the one who has been wronged and head at me for being upset about something. It's complete bullshit and I'm tired of babying him. He told me he wanted me to be honest about my feelings, but when I am I get shut down. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do here. I'm not allowed to express myself without punishment, but I'm also told not to hold back.
 
Nate tells me 30 hours later that HE'S still pissed at ME for making him upset and for me having a pity party after! Um no, I'm the one who is upset for his rude-ass behavior!

We were all supposed to go to art walk and then see Jaws, but the oldest kid went out of town for the weekend, which meant we didn't have a babysitter, so Nate had to stay home. I already had decided that having a date night with him wasn't something that I wanted to do, and it worked out that I didn't have to uninvite him. (Kind of funny, because it's another "and Sue got her way" kind of moment.)

Mary and I went out to have dinner. Then we went to the coffee shop for spiked coffee drinks, then to a couple bars. Saw a drag show, then went to grab a late night snack. I didn't feel like going home, so we went over to Sam's, since he was at work. She and I had a sleepover, which was a lot of fun. I really miss that about being an adult. As a kid I always had friends sleeping over.

Not doing much today since I don't celebrate holidays. We never ended up going out to Jaws, so we are going to do that tonight. I've never see the movie and I figure since I am going to be seeing Sam in the Jaws play soon I would watch the movie first. In the meantime, Mary and I are having a L Word marathon. Nate is heading off to do a game day at some guy's house.
 
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Last night was fun. Jaws was a pretty good movie and I enjoyed it. Popped into my favorite bar, but they were dead, so we went out for drinks at the diner instead, and hung out and talked. Went home and watched more L word. Mary spent the night and we were talking and I mentioned that I would add her to the secret Facebook group because she changed accounts. Nate asked why she wasn't already on it and Mary was teasing and going "How do you know about the group? It's secret." Then I go "Cuz he went snooping." Well, I guess that was the wrong thing to say, because it set Nate off. He started to explain that he wasn't snooping because I hadn't logged out of my account on our shared computer. Mary said something like "Oh yeah?" and then Nate went off on her, telling her that he was sick of her passive-aggressive comments and how she's been getting under his skin since she got to town. And when she tried to explain herself or asked what she's done to him, he was all "Fuck you, get the fuck out of my house." I seriously cant believe that he blew up like that. He told her that she can have more than one friend (insinuating that she's my friend and not his) when she's never taken sides before.

I think he's transferring because of what happened with my friend Amelia, when Nate went snooping on my Facebook. Yeah, it may not have been snooping when he accidentally started reading a message from a mutual friend, assuming that it was for him. But when he chose to continue reading, and then he went onto my secret group and read things there, that was snooping. I don't even understand why the word snooping set him off, because he calls me a snoop all the time. At any rate, when he saw that Amelia, who he thought was his friend too, was defending me and calling Nate's behavior to me emotionally abusive, Nate unfriended her and got upset that she was defending me. I think that's why he got upset at Mary.

It really hurt Mary's feelings. Nate is now in the kitchen while Mary and I are in the bedroom still watching shows. I think we will go out for a while later before I take the kids out to Sam's tonight.
 
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I had a lot to think about tonight. I heard that Nate had told Deanna that he couldn't be in a relationship with her, because I'm not okay with him being in a relationship, and that I have some kind of sway over what he does.

It made me think about my comfort levels again. If Nate is willing to honor my time at home and not see anyone else during that time, what am I to say what he does during the rest of the time?

Let him have a relationship with someone else if he wants, and if he doesn't, let him tell them why he doesn't want anything more, instead of using me as an excuse. I wrote a note on Fetlife expressing that he is free to do whatever he wants during his time, without any kind of restriction from me, now that whatever trauma I went through last year is over and I've healed from it.

I feel so much better now. If some other chick wants to steal him away, and he goes for it, good for her. She deserves whatever she gets.
 
I should mention that it wasn't like Deanna asked Nate to be her boyfriend and he rejected her. He mentioned to her that I had said I wasn't snooping anymore, because it upset me. And she asked why, and he told her that it was because I don't want him having a relationship.

I made it no secret that it wasn't something I was comfortable with. I wrote a journal entry about it, how I would accept it, if that's what Nate truly wanted. But I don't think he does want it. He's a pretty honest person, and if that's something he desired he would tell me. He's told me flat out he's not willing to invest his time with someone else. He wrote a journal entry himself that all his love and attention goes to his art and his kids first. He's made it pretty clear that isn't something he wanted and that if he isn't meeting the needs of people, he understands why they look elsewhere.

I just don't want him making me out to be the bad guy here, preventing him from falling in love with his fuck buddies, because that isn't the case at all.
 
Nate and I had a good talk today. He told me why he reacted the way he did when I said I wasn't cool with him taking Deanna to game day was because he doesn't act emotional because he's pragmatic, and because of this, people assume what they want takes priority, because they show more emotion.

I explained that I had partially chosen to do Sunday with Sam to be available for game day, and how I miss having something that we did together. I felt rejected that he didn't want me to be included in his game, and hurt that he'd think about taking her instead. I also was a little miffed at the prospect of her getting time with him on my day.

In the end, I decided to change my night with Sam back to Sat, since if I stay home Sat, Nate won't even be there for several hours. I also told Nate to go ahead and invite Deanna if he wants to, and I'll be okay. Nate said this is good, since I stay out later on Sunday and that's more kid-free time for him.
 
Mary and I went out to karaoke at the bar that Sam and I usually go to Tue night. After awhile, as rehearsals let out, the theater crowd started filing in. She and I had a lot of fun singing together.

I really like that I'm now comfortable talking and hanging out with Sam's friends without him being there. Mary told me that I should invite him, so I did. I didn't realize that he had shown up until the bartender handed me a drink from "the guy across the bar." lol Sam is so cheesy. Then I freaking hopped up on my stool, the stool fell and down I went with it. I hit my ass and the back of my head pretty hard. My head feels fine today, just slightly sore, but man, my ass feels like I did a million squats!

Mary is still really sad about Jerry. She says she's not sure if she's making the right decision to go back with him, because he doesn't make her feel like he's in love with her. I told her that she will never be happy with anyone because she has unrealistic expectations. I learned with my ex long ago that I can either be unhappy and punish him for not being the man that I want him to be. or I can be happy and accept him for the man he is. Sometimes when you love someone you have to accept their limitations. Mary says that she's not going to do that. She's not going to accept that Jerry doesn't want to have sex with her as often as she wants, and won't accept that he's not acting all gaga for her.

I told her that if she can't accept it, then she should leave, because it's not doing either of them any good to be together when she's so miserable. She just hates that she "wasted 2 years with him." I tried to tell her she should not view it that way, but rather that she spent 2 years with someone who taught her about what she wants and needs.

I'm still certain she will go back with him. It takes a lot for her to get fed up with someone.
 
The no snooping is paying off. I havent had any bad feelings about anything and it's been wonderful. Out of sight, out of mind, and all that.

Nate and I went to dinner and watched the new Terminator movie last night in 3D and it was awesome! Tonight I plan on taking the kids to Sam's house. Then tomorrow my friends and I are taking our 10-year olds to the water park for the day. I got permission from work and my client's guardian to take my client with, off the clock, since it's against policy to take clients with friends on the clock. It's going to be so much fun!

Thur night, Nate, Mary, and I went out with Frida and friends for karaoke. It was a lot of fun, although I did over-indulge in the drinking department. That's always been the downside to drinking hard alcohol instead of beer.
 
Well, tonight was a bust. I had planned on seeing Sam's play tonight, because this was the only night that Jane said she could come. I have plans tomorrow and am not available next Thursday or Friday, which are the other nights the show is going on.

I'd reminded Sam to reserve us a good seat and he texted me today that he reserved us a table for four. I get there and pay for Jane. Mary is on her way to meet us there. While I am paying for drinks, Jane is looking for our table and turns out there isn't one! I go up to the lady, and she calls the director over. I guess there was some kind of mix-up or something! I was disappointed and told him that Sam had assured me that he would get us good seats (like he normally has in the past). Well, the director just said that you don't get to pick out where you sit when you reserve seats. He finds a table and we are way far away, toward the back, away from the stage. I was not too thrilled about it. But whatever, I figured I'd just deal with it.

While I'm talking to Mary on the phone, and trying to tell her where we were, someone takes the table that they pulled out for us! OMG I was super upset. I was on the phone with Mary trying to figure out what we were going to do. Not going to lie, I was practically in tears from disappointment. Then the owner comes up to me and tells me he can see that I was unhappy and told me he's refunding me my money and to leave.

I waited around downtown, waiting for the play to let out. I show up and ask the director if Sam was still around. Sam comes out and is visibly angry with me. He basically blames me for all this and thinks that somehow this is my fault! Grrr! This is so frustrating. If anyone should be mad, it should be me, for him not ensuring that we had a decent spot. If it were me going to be in a play, I would make damn sure (even if I had to swap out reservation cards) that he would have a great seat. Did I get mad? No, I get it. He's focusing on getting ready for the play, and I'm the last thing on his mind. Yet he's mad at me for something that, in all honesty, is his fault.

I had to promise to change my plans tomorrow and go see him to get him to stop acting rude.
 
Got to experience full-on Crazytown from Mary tonight. Jesus Christ, I don't fucking miss that shit at all! Like seriously, I fucking love her to death, and I was so relieved to get rid of her. But at the same time. she's my best friend in the world and when I'm her best friend it's amazing. We got into it tonight. I let her know that I love her, and the reason she's here is because I love her, and not because I *need* her.

Anyway, times like tonight, where she makes me fucking cry, makes me wish I fucking didn't love her.

We saw Sam in his play. Um, well, I kind of feel like I shouldn't have seen the movie, at least not this soon before seeing the play. I kind of feel bad because I have a lot of critique for the job that Sam did in the role and I don't know how to address it with him. I am a very honest and critical person. I know that he worked so hard and I know he did an amazing job remembering the long monologues he had to memorize. But I feel like he was totally overacting. Even the hand gestures he was making was over the top. I'm not sure if I should mention this to him because i don't want to hurt his feelings.
 
As a person with a theatrical background, amateur and professional, don't mention it.

He's got a director who has either let him get away with overacting or has encouraged him to do it. If the director is weak and didn't reign him in, he's rehearsed this one time and time and time again and a critique from you won't actually change this performance. If the director has encouraged the overacting, well, as per the last scenario, this performance won't change. The critique might simply be countered with, "that's the way we rehearsed it, that's what the director wants."

Just hope that he gets a better director next time.

But please don't critique this performance now, during the season. As you said, he's put in a lot of hard work. Acknowledge that instead. Acknowledge the hours of rehearsals and the even more hours of memorisation. Ask him about the rest of the production team, the people you didn't see. Ask him if he'd work with the director again, why/why not? Ask him if there is something he would have liked to do with the character that the director didn't allow. But please don't ever tell an actor in the middle of a season that he's overacting, it will do no-one any good.
 
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