This morning begins a nearly five-day stretch of not seeing Dustin because he has to go to that memorial thing for his friend. He flies out with Pete today, then there is a memorial concert they are playing tomorrow, a different concert in a nearby town on Saturday, and then the actual service is Sunday. And then they fly back Sunday, only to have a couple hours of downtime before Dustin has to do the honky-tonk. So I will not be seeing him until Monday after work.
He was seriously dreading getting on a plane again. Since the beginning of November, he's been to see his family in his hometown for a week, then his family trip to the Caribbean, then our trip to New Orleans, and now this. Plus his desert gig last weekend, which was at least a road trip. All yesterday, he was complaining about being burnt out and saying he didn't want to go.
I am curious to see what kind of shape he will be in when I finally see him. Lately, Mondays have not been our best days, and the more time he spends with Pete on the days between my seeing him, the worse off he tends to be. I can easily see him getting into the mindset of just "doing what he has to do to get through" this last stretch of brutal busy-ness. If he's really bad off, I will still hang out with him, but I think that I will tell him I'm skipping future Mondays. I'd rather have our nights together be Wednesday, Thursday, and one weekend day.
Last night, however, was a great night with him, even though it was super lazy. I came over right after work, and Derek and Eve were back from their trip. It was good to see them again. I went into Dustin's room and pounced on him. I guess because of my previous anxiety, I was super, super happy to see him. It felt like it had been a year, but it had only been like a day and a half. We giggled and cuddled and kissed for a while.
He gave me the presents that his family had sent home with the others: a plant book and a kitchen towel with a cat on it from his mom, and a little bath set from his sister. I was very touched by this. Other than my own mom and the boys, no one else had gotten me anything—not my siblings, not Rider's family, not any of my friends. Even my mom's present to me was pointedly addressed to me AND Rider. I don't
require presents, but man, it was nice to have been thought of. When I said that, he smiled and said they really like me.
Eve was cooking dinner and offered us some. Dustin and I shared a small bowl as sort of an appetizer to our own meal. I had plans to steam shrimp with Old Bay, but then at some point in the conversation, Dustin had mentioned rice, grits, and quinoa, and all I could think of was shrimp and grits, my favorite meal from when I lived in the south. So we walked to the store and got stuff for that instead. Dustin said it was literally the best meal he's ever had.
After dinner, we just lazed about in the living room, watching a documentary series with Derek and Eve. When the second episode was over, Dustin and I retired to his room and had insanely amazing (though incredibly bloody) sex. I'd actually been too sick for sex the last time I'd seen him, so I was super horny, a rarity for me. I came twice in the space of just a couple minutes. I swear, he is just the best and most passionate kisser I have ever encountered, and it turns me on sooooo much. Then we had to take a shower because we were both totally covered in blood. I have never been so happy for the black sex towel in my life.
And then we got into bed and cuddled and read books together, our legs all tangled up and playing footsie, our arms linked into each other, each holding our book. I've been reading a book on the history of English that he lent me, and he's been reading
Dubliners.
Everything about the night was as perfect as could be, other than my stupid health. I cannot seem to get rid of this cough, and it actually woke me up in the early hours of the morning, forcing me to sleep the last couple hours half-sitting. I'm also fighting the beginnings of another UTI, which seems to happen when I get too dehydrated from getting drunk in the desert. Dustin bought me cranberry juice and made sure I stayed on top of my water intake.
My whole not-drinking thing is going well. I have not missed it once yet. I took a tiny sip of a raspberry cider that Dustin had last night, just to see what it tasted like, but it was only enough to wet my lips and catch the flavor.
The no-Facebook thing is going well, too. But I've definitely reached for it out of habit a surprising number of times. I feel like my mental state is less distracted and fragmented, like I'm more present in the moment. Used to be that even at Dustin's, where I tend to put my phone down in the other room and stay present with him, whenever I'd go into the room it was in, I'd check it for a second. It was pretty cool last night to check my phone only for the time and to make sure I didn't have urgent texts from anyone.
--- BREAKING NEWS ---
Ugh, ugh, ugh.
Rider just confessed to me that he's been talking about "our stuff" with Annie. It came out because I told him I wanted to put some time on the schedule this weekend to plan our counseling, and he told me that Annie had recommended someone to him, and I was like, wait, what? How can I not get him to talk to
me about our counseling, and somehow he's talking to
her about it?
I am so pissed at him right now that I am shaking and had to tell him I'll talk to him later.
As close as I am to Dustin, I wouldn't imagine sharing that personal information about my other relationship with him. I share with him my own internal struggles about where I want my life to go, because that's "me stuff," and I tell him sometimes if my mood is off that it's because I've been arguing at home or that things are going rocky right now, just so he doesn't think it's
him who is upsetting me, but I don't go into detail about my marital problems with my other partner.
Rider and I had a conversation a long time ago where we agreed that we would keep "us stuff" private from other partners. When I just called him on this, he admitted that he knew that and apologized, but said Annie had opened up to him about some things, and so he'd opened up back. And he said, "God knows I could use the support right now." Um, what happened to looking for a
friend confidant like you said you were going to do last year when things were rough? Just because he didn't find one and gave up doesn't mean he gets to violate my trust like this.
I've been so super chill about her coming over and sleeping in our bed, but it
kills me to think she is lying there in my spot listening to my relationship problems. That should be
me he's talking to about that stuff! Or at least a friend or therapist or even an online place like this. Not his other partners. I feel so betrayed right now.