The Best Life Yet

JaneQSmythe said:
Sorry for the PSA - will go back and read the rest of the post - I just get annoyed at "know-it-alls" who have the facts wrong :rolleyes:
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Haha, no problem. That's all good info to know. Having been largely nocturnal and/or hanging out with photophobic indoorsmen and/or too cold to expose much skin for the past five years or so, my knowledge on sunscreen is behind the times.

JaneQSmythe said:
PS. Adding on as I read more - weirdest place I have ever passed out. Under a table...in a bar...on a boat...in Berlin...at 17 - drunk on Underberg of all things.
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I had to look that up, as I'd never heard of it. It's a type of bitters? Was it similar to what drinking common Angostura would be like?

JaneQSmythe said:
PPS. Diva Cup? Awesome, isn't it?
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I do prefer it. Especially handy is the fact that it makes receiving oral sex almost any day of the month possible. :D

JaneQSmythe said:
PPPS. Dehydration? Totally recommend the CamelBak - saved my life snowboarding.
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That's a great idea. I'll have to pick one up if we go again!

JaneQSmythe said:
Overall impression - not bad, worth a little more exploration if you are feeling it. (Not that you necessarily care what a stranger on the internet thinks.). He has some asshole tendencies - these tend to be exaggerated under stressful situations (like early dates). Potentially mitigated by "nice guy" stories (if they are really his and not "borrowed")
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I totally am "feeling it," and Rider also mentioned the likelihood that his being stressed or nervous was part of the reason for the asshole comments. Seems counterproductive to me, haha. And I get more easily cowed and self-conscious in those exact situations, so his stressed/nervous behavior and mine might just be natural enemies. Hopefully if things continue, stress will no longer be as much of a factor in the equation.

And I have no doubt that the nice-guy stories are his. I've seen people posting on FB about the bail thing, I've met the camera and seen the service-staff treatment in person (the staff at the Thai restaurant greet him warmly by name), and he has pictures of himself on Instagram with his grandmother and his apparently very beloved cat. Plus, on our first date, he was running around the club doing free videography and flyering for a friend of his, just out of the kindness of his heart.

So we'll see. If nothing else, he's pleasant to look at, great in bed, a competent conversation partner, and makes me laugh. Plus I get to ride around in a convertible. All of that is at least worth waiting around for a little while to find out what's up.
 
I'm going to try to make this super short, because I have worked two 14-hour days in a row, have had very little sleep, and am totally exhausted.

Yesterday Rider asked me if it would offend me greatly if he started trying to hang out with Desiree (the girl who bullied me that one night) again. I said that his connection to her is totally independent of me, but to make sure that he was considering it for the right reasons and not just because he was trying to balance things out now that I am seeing someone locally. The reason I said that was because he'd solidly NOPE'd her very consistently for months...right up until I had my second date with Beckett. That makes it seem to me like it's reactive and he's scraping the bottom of the barrel out of fear of loneliness. But if he soul-searches and he's doing it for the right reasons, I don't mind at all. He said he'd think about it. He said it would be nice to have someone to hang out with while I am out of town a lot this fall. I agreed that it would be.

I relayed my post from yesterday to Rider, and he seems to think that Beckett is just nervous and will settle down and be consistently nicer once we are more used to each other. Time will tell.

He also said he is going to watch his drinking, after realizing that it was freaking me out. I told him that he'd been complaining about having so little free time with me, then he'd gone and gotten wasted and been either extremely drunk or passed out a lot of the time that we could have spent together. It was no good. He agreed.

He also has his first real date with Pablo tomorrow—his first actual date-date with a guy. He is excited and nervous about it, and it is adorable to see. He's already picked out something cute to wear and has been fantasizing about sexy things happening. I love that he feels safe enough to explore that side of himself now. He said that poly and being with me have made so many things possible for him and he's getting to experience a lot of firsts. That makes me incredibly happy.

I had my second appointment with the therapist today. It went pretty well. It was shorter than usual because I was late due to oversleeping. I overslept due to working until 4 a.m. Sigh.

I have a pretty strong suspicion that the ring I ordered Rider is not going to arrive in time. The jeweler would have to be sending it overnight mail tomorrow to have it here by Thursday. We leave for the trip on Friday. I may have to make a printout of what it looks like, which kind of breaks my heart, but I have this whole trip planned and a day off and the hotel reserved, so it's not like I can just move it. Sigh again.

I have left the ball in Beckett's court for scheduling something coming up, but if I don't hear from him I will probably poke at him a little. He barely responded to my texts today. I keep oscillating between being very "whatever" about it and kind of obsessing over him. Desire is stupid. It doesn't take logic or no for an answer.

Speaking of Beckett, his ex's boyfriend, the one who was at the party (and who I barely spoke to), friended me on FB. He is friends with Rider from way back, I guess. This is the one that Beckett's ex cheated with and left him for. I accepted mainly so I could stalk a little, because I am a nosy creeper. :p What I discovered made me feel so sad for Beckett. He'd told me on Sunday that his ex had cheated on him from October to December, when she finally left him for the other guy.

The guy apparently was married to a previous ex of Beckett's and cheated with his then-girlfriend. And they were super blatant about it, with pictures of them hanging out one on one all over FB. Beckett must have trusted them both together, and they totally and kind of publicly screwed him over. No wonder he has walls up. It makes me sad and makes me wish I was sticking around so that I could pour my extra-special brand of love all over him and make him feel cherished and safe. I get such a nurturing and protective feeling over people that I like, even if I don't know them that well.

OK, I am going to go over to Rider's to curl up and watch a show with him now, then have sex and go the fuck to sleep. I have been sleep deprived for days on end now and working myself to the bone. Plus I have been not drinking and eating very controlled amounts and taking care of others and getting exercise (well, once) and going to therapy. I have been so very good—I deserve some laziness in my life.

Fingers crossed that Beckett texts me back at some point. It's always a little beam of light straight to my core.
 
Bleh, I heard from the jeweler today, and he only just shipped the ring. He shipped it express, and it's only a few states away. He says he "hopes it will make it in time." I doubt it will, but we'll see. I ordered the thing back at the beginning of May—couldn't he have gotten it out even one day quicker?

Just in case it doesn't arrive in time, my stopgap solution was to order a cheapo replacement costume ring from Amazon and have it overnighted. I'll tuck a little note inside the box explaining, and show him a picture of the real thing on my phone. The fake ring is pretty purposefully costumey and gaudy, which I guess will end up working out well, since Rider has told me that he's planning on doing costume drag instead of understated drag. I think he wants to wear his maid-style dress. I told him whatever makes him feel pretty.

I really hope the real ring makes it.

It's been 24 hours since I last texted Beckett. In the text, I told him that I really like him and that it is rare. It took a measure of boldness to say that, but I figured that it's the truth and it's not super heavy. Certainly not too heavy to say after nearly three months of acquaintance and two good dates (including having sex three times) within the month. But he hasn't said anything at all back. He's liked a couple of things I posted on FB, so I know he's around and not hiding from me. He just never said anything back over text.

It makes me feel like I must be way more into him than he is into me. It's an odd position to be in—one that I haven't been in in, oh...let me count...probably eight years. It feels weird.

Of course, if he were to tell his side of the story, he might say the same thing. Twice (once the night I met him, and the other the night of our first date), he invited me to something the very next day, and I couldn't go. The first time because I was hanging out with Sam and Rider and we were all so hung over. The second time because I'd promised the following night to Rider for reconnection time. And then when he asked me to stay the night on Sunday, I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted to, but I couldn't. So I can't blame him, really.

It's perhaps impossible for me to have more but have it only on the terms that I have available. I'm so planned out that there is no or very little time to spontaneously say yes to things. And I worry that it makes me less than a worthy cause for anyone to devote their time and attention to—including their thoughts when they are not around me. It's not heartbreaking or anything, but it is disappointing and leaving me with a feeling that I am somehow shooting myself in the foot and setting myself up for repeatedly dashed hopes.

I haven't decided whether I want to text him again before he texts me back (if he ever does). I feel kind of silly. Rider says I should, but to wait until after the weekend. That seems excessive to me when we'd been at a pace of texting daily. If I'm gonna do it, I'd want to do it before the trip rather than after. Too much time passed would just make it weirder. If I do send something, I plan to make it something lighthearted but topical, like a face-palming animal or something, haha.
 
The USPS tracking number says the ring already left the facility, so I am daring to hope that maybe it is en route and will actually arrive tomorrow.

Rider has been sporadically messaging me from his date with Pablo. Apparently Pablo got tipsy and wanted to go to the gay strip club, so that is where they went. Rider has been drinking Sprite all night. He said they have been making out at the bar, and that they are going to go back to his place to hook up and Pablo is going to stay over. The idea of them together makes me hot. Next time, I am getting in on that again. Rider asked me if I wanted to be in on it this time, or if I wanted him to wait for me, and I told him just to go for it—have his fun. I want him to have the best time possible. Pablo's such a little cutie.

Rider has also talked me out of sending the face-palming animal, saying that there is nothing that I should be embarrassed about. I trust his judgment, so I am just going to chill out (to the degree that that is possible) for now. Maybe if/when I do text, I should simply text "when am I seeing you again?" and leave it at that.

We're supposed to do chastity in the morning; Rider will be swinging by before work to get all locked up. I need to come up with his list of tasks, which I have not yet done. I also need to finish the proposal piece. I will be doing that tomorrow while he is at work. I have so much work to get done as well before we leave.

ETA: Oh, no! Rider just called me and said that Pablo got a call about an emergency situation with a schizophrenic friend of his, and he had to leave in the middle of their making out on Rider's couch. That's such a bummer. He said everything was really fun and hot though, and that Pablo said he definitely wants to pick up where they left off, another time. Sucks, though. :(
 
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:happy dance:

The ring is here! The ring is here! It's beautiful—exactly to my specifications! I am sooooo excited! In less than a day and a half, it'll be on Rider's finger! I made an early dinner reservation at a medium-fancy café, lining up the time so that right after we finish dinner, we can walk down to the water and watch the sun set. That's when I'm going to present him with the ring.

Rider is currently in chastity, and busily completing the tasks that I gave him. On days like today when I am too busy to engage him much while he is locked up, I try to make sure that I give him tasks that he can use to drive himself a little crazy, like finding new dirty images/GIFs for our naughty Tumblr and making me a list of sexy things he wants to do this weekend.

I realized moments after my last post that I was foolish to assume that I wouldn't text Beckett again before he texted me. The suspense was too strong and the knowledge that sometimes his actually hearing the text noise will cause him to immediately respond proved too tempting when I woke up and saw via FB that he was online.

I texted him saying, "When will I see you again?" He immediately replied, "Soon, I hope." I texted back, "I am free all next week (for once)..." and he hasn't read that last one yet. Which is fine. I can obsess a little less now that the last interaction was not me saying something vulnerable.

Last night while I was being a little emo about the whole thing, I was listening to Blonde Redhead's "In an Expression of the Inexpressible" because the lyrics seemed apt to me. It seems I often process in song lyrics, either my own or someone else's:

Anything that loose would cancel itself.
Anything that loose would fall off my bed.
I knew that ... I knew that ... I knew that ...
but I couldn't change it.
I made up my mind and changed my mind.
Made up my mind and changed it.
Absence is good; empty is reassuring
Absence, presence, submit to nothing.
I've made up my mind and changed my mind.
Made up my mind and changed it.
Absence is good; empty is reassuring.
Positive, negative … positive, negative … positive, negative …
submit to nothing.
In an expression … in an expression … in an expression
of the inexpressible. Inexpressible, inexpressible, inexpressible.
I made up my mind and changed my mind.
Made up my mind and changed it.
Absence is good; empty is reassuring.
I knew that ... I knew that ... I knew that ...
In an expression … in an expression … in an expression
of the inexpressible. Inexpressible, inexpressible, inexpressible.
Anything that loose would fall off my bed.
Anything that loose would cancel itself.
I'm deceitful; I'm dreadful; I'm lazy; I'm vain and vile.
Our rendevous was run down.
Anything that loose would cancel itself.
Anything that loose would fall off my bed.
I knew that ... I knew that ... I knew that ...
I made up my mind and changed my mind.
Made up my mind and changed it.
In an expression … in an expression … in an expression
of the inexpressible.

ETA: Oh, I almost forgot—I got on the scale today and my self-control is working! I am down to 122 today, which is a faster loss than I expected, but I think some of that may have been water weight given that I was having terrible hormonal issues when I first weighed myself, and I seem to be in the clear for that now.
 
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Our proposal vacation was great. Rider and I got into town with just enough time to make it to dinner and then to catch the colors of the sunset while sitting on the pier. He was a beautiful spectacle, in platform boots that render him about 6'8", a blonde wig, and striped stockings. I read him the thing I'd written and gave him the ring. He cried a little bit, and I almost did, too. He had a look on his face like he'd just seen that anything in the world was possible.

We spent the rest of the weekend drinking and dining and tooling around on rental bicycles...weathering rainstorms with good conversation over a pint, checking out an old graveyard, having lazy afternoon sex...singing along to songs, climbing trees, cuddling up. It was a really good time. I kept catching Rider looking at his ring in awe. He kept thanking me for making everything so magical and amazing for him.

We texted some people: Oona, Kelly, a few of Rider's longtime friends. Rider's friends all seemed super happy for him—over the moon squeeing for him. Kelly was kind of succinct about it, with a "gratz, have fun, going to sleep" sort of message. Oona was just getting back from Europe and has not really been supportive of the whole idea, so I wasn't terribly surprised when I didn't hear anything back from her. She'll come around.

I haven't really done the whole big FB announcement thing. We don't list relationship statuses on there anyway. I feel like...like I don't want to discuss it with a million people yet. I suppose the word will sort of leak out. People will notice the ring; questions will be asked. I have texted my mom and my sister though. Already the few people who know are asking about the date and offering dress services, haha. I have to plan this move before we plan a wedding. First things first. For right now, this is mostly for the two of us to enjoy.

I am so filled with love for him and thankfulness that he is my partner. He is truly sweet and made of goodness through to his very core. I couldn't ask for a more suitable companion to walk through life with.

I haven't mentioned the whole thing to Beckett yet. Even though I'm really into him, he's still someone I know on only a very superficial level, and I'm not talking to those level of people about it yet. It'll come up eventually. Beckett has been "liking" most of the pictures I posted from the weekend, including pictures that are just of Rider. I am a bit surprised by that—not that I think they wouldn't get along or whatever, but they don't know each other outside of a passing acquaintance, so it's just unexpected to me.

Beckett did send me a nice text while I was gone: "I've had a lot of good days in my life, but it's hard to top a day like this past Sunday." That makes me happy. The ball is still in his court for our next hangout. I have relaxed about the whole thing a lot. I had sort of an epiphany about not having to figure out who he is or what is happening. I can let go of detective mode and just be. I don't have to know everything all the time.

Tomorrow I have a coffee hangout with a platonic acquaintance, an entomologist who I met as a friend of a friend of Rider's. I really vibed with this guy though it was all an intellectual attraction and nothing physical. It's rare that I click with someone so hard in conversation that we never shut up from the first moment of talking, but I felt that way about this guy. He lives about a thousand miles away and is only in town for a conference, otherwise we'd probably be becoming better friends.
 
I started writing a sprawling, long post about how frustrating it is that Oona sent me a diatribe about how disappointed she is about my engagement to Rider, but I found that I just couldn't work up the energy to edit it into something fit for human consumption. I'll have to get into it some other time.

Long story short is that even though she loves and approves of Rider, she thinks it's "rushing" to get engaged at a year and a half, with plans to marry in another year and a half or so. I disagree. I have a life plan that I want to embark upon with Rider, and this engagement so that we can begin saving for our European honeymoon is the first step.

So she's upset with me for going through with it, and I'm upset with her for not trusting my judgment about what I am doing with my own life. Over the 16-year course of our friendship, we've had spats before, more than once about this same kind of thing—she thinks she knows what is best for me, and I am headstrong and obstinate about doing what I will. Sometimes she has been right. Sometimes I have been right. But in either case, it is important to me that I make my own decisions (including mistakes!) and learn to trust myself more than outside influence.

Other than that, everything is about the same.

Rider and I had a very good night last night. I felt so much warm love and affection for him. The NRE is definitely gone—I can say this definitively after having had the Beckett thing to compare it to recently—but what we have is real and deep and lovely. It fills me up with comfort and joy and there's still so much electricity in our kisses. <3

Rider told his mom about the engagement today, and she is thrilled. She has been a big fan of our relationship from Day One. I am getting more and more excited about the word getting out now that I have recovered some from the exhaustion and emotional overload of the trip.

Beckett has been...Beckett. Sending me sexy selfies in response to some emoji I send him, exchanging the odd 3-to-4-text volley, then disappearing back into the ether until I next initiate again. He's in the middle of a moving debacle, so I am thinking I am probably not going to see him anytime soon. By which I mean that unless we shoehorn it into a weekday, it's probably going to be...months? He's moving this weekend and then out of town for the following two weekends. And then I'm moving the weekend following that and then out of town for the two weekends following that. It may come to pass that it's October before I get a weekend day with him. I may pull the "well, you have to eat sometime" card on him some weekday coming up, just to make sure we stay on each other's radar.

Rider's still trying to get his raincheck with Pablo. Kelly's been a little more communicative today than yesterday—she's been doing some local-to-her flirting/hookups/dating, finally. I've still been in sporadic contact with Moss and Jake, more platonic now than previously, though I imagine I'd probably make out with either of them if I were in their presence.

I started working on a life goals outline today for the fuck of it. I'm feeling hopeful and happy, if busy and overworked and more low-libido than usual.
 
Hmm, coffee hangout with the entomologist left me with the distinct impression that he has a crush. He managed to work his knowledge of my and Rider's openness into the conversation, and we had a very spirited discussion about nonmonogamy. I think he is an awesome person, but I do not feel crushy feelings about him—only the intellectual excitement that I feel when I talk to a very smart person. Still, it's always fun connecting very well with someone I do not know much about. I love that there is space in my life that—if I had wanted to just invite him back to my place, if there had been that connection there—I could have just done it. Following the path of most beauty, wherever it may take me. :p
 
Congrats on your engagement!! Sounds like it was beautiful! :)
 
I have posted this thread about my confused libido.

In other news, I have made my plans for my local birthday celebration next month: a game and music night at a local brewpub (the one where Allie works). I reserved a table inside for games, and a table outside for acoustic music. I am not actually sure if I'll be drinking that weekend—as it turns out, not drinking has been pretty kind to me, and the drinking I did while out of town last weekend was less kind. But it seemed like the best location anyway.

And Rider made reservations for us at a bed and breakfast in a historic town on our road trip for our romantic portion of my birthday celebration. So I get to celebrate three times: once with local friends and games the previous weekend, once with Rider only on a romantic getaway at the beginning of the week, and once with Kelly and tailgating in Football Town on my actual birthday.

Allie might be hanging out with us for part of Labor Day weekend. I would love to see her, since I didn't get much time with her at Shana's party due to going home with Beckett. I have a lot of work to do that weekend but I will survive.
 
I potentially will be seeing Beckett for dinner tomorrow. We're "playing it by ear" because the house he's been working on moving into this week was last occupied by a hoarder and needs a lot of work, so that's taking up lots of his time. He was sending me pictures of the work he's been doing on the kitchen and it's looking a lot better.

I told him I'd be willing to drive down there (about 45 minutes) just for a meal. To be honest, I could really stand to have the solo car-time that the trip there and back would afford me—not working, just listening to music or podcasts or whatever. He said that he'd make more time than that for me if he finds he can make time at all. I just hope that he doesn't SO play it by ear that I am scrambling to get ready and out the door in record time.

He also called me "sweet" for offering to come down there, and he thanked me for understanding about how busy he is. I told him that if there is one thing that I understand, it's how responsibility can eat up fun life sometimes. Ugh, adulthood, lol.

Speaking of adulthood, I am about to scale back pretty hard financially, I think. I stayed in budget for the proposal trip, but that was the last large expenditure I can afford for a while. It's time to start saving for the move and paying my debt down harder so that my credit report looks nice for apartment hunting on Opposite Coast in January. I counted, and I'm only 18 weeks away. Eek! Exciting and nerve-racking all at once.

I still haven't really talked to Oona, though I did exchange a brief text with her earlier because I saw a little girl who looked JUST LIKE Oona did in her childhood pictures. It was uncanny. She responded favorably, so she's not actively mad at me. I have some things in mind that I'm going to say to her eventually, but I may just wait until we actually speak rather than replying to her message to me.
 
Rider is fucking made of magic. I have been working every evening this week so far, well into the evening, and not being able to make more than a couple of hours for him each night, and he didn't even bat an eye that I wanted to clear tonight's schedule to go out to dinner and then maybe stay over with Beckett tonight.

He understands how little I see Beckett and how much I like him, and he wants me to have whatever I want to make me happy. I just feel the deepest and truest gratitude right now that a heart has ever known. How did I get so lucky? Rider is the most amazing human, and I aspire to one day achieve his magnanimity of the heart. <3 Squee!

Also, getting to see Beckett = squee as well. It's a double-squee day in Reverland!
 
Wow. So things have taken a turn for the interesting with Beckett. I am typing this from his bed. He's left for work and left me here to do my own work, and we're going to hang out later when he gets home again. I guess he must really like me to leave me alone in his house after the third date. It was a really good one, though.

There was no sign at all of the weird asshole streak I'd seen on the second date. He was sweet, affectionate, and considerate the whole time. We went for dinner at this comedy thing that his friend was doing, and I met a few more of his friends. He held my hand a lot.

Then it was late, and he'd been up since 4 a.m. (he's got a sunrise beach skating thing he's been doing a few times a week recently), so we went back to his place and pretty much went directly to bed. And what a bedtime it was!

The sex was phenomenal this time! He is really good in bed. And I was less self-conscious than last time, since I was no longer on my period. Rolling around with him, having him hover above me with his hair falling into his face like a dimpled, straight-haired Jim Morrison (those lips! those eyes!)...I shudder pleasantly to remember. I hope there will be more of that when he gets home from work. I kind of feel like it has re-sparked my libido in general, because I was messaging with Rider earlier and craving sex with him too. And usually I am not even a morning sex person, but I woke up horny today!

I did have trouble falling asleep, though, because we went to bed so much earlier than I am used to. For a long time I lay just drinking everything in—being surrounded by the scent of Beckett, on his sheets and pillows and hair and skin; the sound of his breath in my ear; the way he'd occasionally rouse a bit and kiss me deeply before resuming the deep breaths of dreamland.

In the morning, when I mentioned that last part, he said that's something he just does. He's still asleep, and sometimes he does it inappropriately, if he's on tour with his band. I am actually familiar with that because my ex used to sleep-sex me. Beckett seems to leave it to kissing. But it's pretty funny. Also arousing.

I was dumb and didn't recognize the potential for him to ask me to stay here all day, so I didn't bring a change of clothes. Thankfully, I was only in those clothes from like 7:15 to 11:00, so I can just wear them again, haha.

While we were hanging out, I barely got a whiff of the cool-guy pretense. He was being what I take to be probably his real self: being kind of dorky, squeeing over his cat, holding doors, cradling me so close that it felt like something, cracking silly jokes, admitting faults, giggling. If that's who he really is underneath all that assholery and swagger, then he's someone I could really have feelings for.

I think...I think I might just let myself fall for this one. Even though we're barely going to see each other because we both have obscenely busy work/travel schedules. Even though I'm moving away in just over four months. Even though he lives 45 minutes away and so the round trip is a hassle when I'm so busy. Even though I don't know what we'll ever be able to be to each other. But whatever we can be, I want to be it. For however long it lasts. We'll see.

Rider had a good night last night too. He was hanging out with Shana and Al and some other friends, and Allie came to hang out with him and they got to make out a bit. Allie had to work early in the morning, so she couldn't stay over, but she's talking about coming around on Saturday to hang out with us maybe. I love Allie, and I would be just thrilled if Rider started seeing her more regularly, actually dating her. Ungh, and they are so hot to watch together. (LOL, yep, my libido is awake today.)

When I told Rider that I might stay with Beckett again tonight, he told me he'd had an offer to hang out with Pablo. I told him to effing go for it. Even if I don't end up spending the night with Beckett, I want Rider and Pablo to have their fun. And I could either make myself scarce or come around if they wanted me to. I know Pablo likes me too. I want the boys to have their alone time though.

I am in poly heaven today—so filled with compersion at Rider getting time with Allie and Pablo, so filled with gratitude at Rider's being happy for me about Beckett, so thrilled to get more time with Beckett today, so excited to spend the rest of the weekend with Rider and to have him as my "bride" to be. I feel like I'm finally getting some payoff for all of the struggling that I did on and off for the previous nine months or so, and all of the hard work that I put into improving myself and my and Rider's communication. Let's see if we can keep this streak of happiness going! :D

For now, I shall snuggle deeper into the Beckett-scented blankets with my laptop and get some work done, so that I'll be all free and clear by the time he gets home. SQUEEEEEE!
 
Reverie said:
Let's see if we can keep this streak of happiness going! :D
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Wow, Reverie. I'm so glad things are going so wonderfully well for you :) And, I love how sweet Rider's being about it all, too! Two great guys? You must be a pretty awesome woman ;)
 
Um, that lasted a few hours anyway.

Beckett came home. He took me to lunch. We held hands and stared into each other's eyes over the table. He told me about his shitty-so-far day, then told me how much stress relief he felt telling me about all his problems. We went back to his place. He puttered around for a moment and then came and slouched down in a chair next the the one I was sitting in.

"Can we take a break from...whatever this is that we're doing?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied, puzzled and completely surprised.

And he let loose a torrent of words about how he's getting emotionally attached, and he feels like this could be—like this IS—turning into a relationship. That I'm too perfect for him. Too exactly everything that he's looking for. And I'm moving away soon. And I'm with Rider, who he doesn't know-know, but has known OF for long enough to know that he likes him. And my already being in a relationship means that we can't have the kind of relationship he'd like to have with me, just based on who I am.

And he doesn't have space in his head for all of this right now, with the house, and with work, and plus he just started talking to an ex of his again—one who was a drug addict but has apparently cleaned up her act now—and for now they are just friends but he's not sure it's going to stay that way. And he isn't the kind of person who can have two relationships.

"I can't even have two CATS!" he said. "I don't want to run two businesses; I don't want two cats. I don't want two relationships."

He said tried to keep his distance, but he likes me so much that he was getting attached anyway. That he found himself all week fantasizing about ditching all the shit he had to do and driving up to spend a day with me.

I could feel him getting attached to me. Last night, when I asked if I should go home, he said I could stay there for as long as I wanted to, but I should know the lease is up on the first. I LOLed and thought it was so adorable. I could tell he was liking me more and more. I felt the same way. I could literally feel us falling for each other. It was almost audible.

I guess my reaction to that (succumb, let it happen, and enjoy) was the polar opposite of his (run away as fast as possible). I knew the end was coming eventually, but I didn't know it would be rightthefucknow.

I said that I felt a little silly at how shaken up hearing all that made me feel. My voice was thick, but I was not crying. He looked at me very compassionately and said he hadn't intended to say anything about it, but he feels the same way.

"At least it's the opposite of what usually happens: I'm doing this because I like you TOO MUCH," he said. "So you at least have that."

We hugged. We kissed. I asked him if he was sure, and he said he's not sure about ANYTHING. That he makes too many bad decisions, and he doesn't know until after the fact that they are bad. He asked me not to forget him. I said I could never.

I smell like him and it is driving me crazy. I didn't cry until I got home and noticed.
 
Basically this:

tumblr_nlwaxqCkOV1spe4pno1_500.jpg


Goodbye, strange once-in-a-lifetime-so-far mutual lightning strike. You will remain significant to me. <3
 
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