The Best Life Yet

Since there's not a lot of actual action going on in my life, and since I am stuck on an airplane for another 40 minutes, I figure that now is as good a time as any to delve into some ongoing topics in a little more detail.

Libido

I was having some libido issues a few months ago and was having trouble untangling the reasons for it—hormones, the influence of Beckett, being overworked? It has kind of been happening again for the past week or so, so I think I can definitively narrow it down to being overworked. I also had a yeast infection for the first part of the week, but honestly, I was kind of happy to have the excuse not to have sex. I still played with Rider, but I didn't allow myself to be touched. It seems to come roaring back as soon as I am better rested, so I guess that is just one more thing I have learned about myself.

Self Improvement

Things are going about as well as I can expect them to on this front. My changes in perspective have greatly influenced the way that I think about and interact with the world and the people in it. Monday will be one month since I've had a drink, as well. I still haven't decided if that part is permanent, but so far, I do not miss it very much. The only times it is inconvenient are those in which "have a drink sometime" is people's main invite line for those situations where a meal is perhaps too large of a commitment. Other than the social inconvenence, I really don't miss it. I have been taking pretty good care of myself, though I have still been slack about exercise because of my lack of time. I am (very slowly) losing some weight, and my focus and drive are better than usual.

Rider

Rider is still being needier than usual, but I am taking it in stride. I really wish for his sake that he had a dependable second person to have fun and sex with. Pablo vanishing and Allie always being so busy have left him pretty much depending on me to get his needs met, and, as busy as I have been, that is a tall order to fill. I think he is feeling a bit neglected in general. I would really love for him to find a fun local fling for the next 10 weeks, but he doesn't seem to have much interest in looking for one. I would not even be jealous at all, but rather relieved that some of the pressure was off of me.

Oona

Oona is still having serious ups and downs. She keeps almost breaking up with Toby and then they make up and are even better than before. She seriously needs to change her birth control because this new pill is making her feel insane (in her own words) and kind of act that way too. It's crazy how much of an effect hormones can have on a person's ability to handle life.

She is also frustrated because of Toby's level of emotional intelligence. Like me, he does not take to that sort of thing naturally. I feel like I have learned a lot over the years, and my recent breakthrough helped me exponentially as well. She says it's like I passed the torch to him, because he's a lot like I used to be. She said, "how do I keep collecting people like this?" Obviously, it is something she is choosing...

Beckett

I am just completely befuddled as to how my crush on Beckett remains lurking under the surface still basically at full strength, surfacing from time to time to completely distract me from everything else in life. The sting of our earlier ending is totally gone now, and a naked desire, devoid of danger of being hurt, is what remains. The way I feel about him is such an anomaly. I still don't know what to make of it. I just want and want and want. It's its own compartmentalized thing where nothing else will do—I can't take the energy out on Rider, I can only fantasize in my head about everything I remember about being with him. If I do get to go to bed with him again, I will probably completely devour him, haha.

Dating

Now that it's looking like Rider will probably have a job upon our arrival to Opposite Coast, I am beginning to think about dating when we get there. Maybe not RIGHT at first, but if we have dual incomes, we won't be on such a shoestring budget to where we can't afford outside dates, which is what we'd originally been expecting. I am actually starting to get excited about the prospect. But I do that. I get excited, and then I actually start meeting people and get burned out and jaded pretty fast. Maybe it will be different in our new city. Supposedly, there is a larger poly community there.

Psychologically, I think I am ready. That weird feeling of needing to be super-duper connected to Rider at all times has abated. Maybe it's NRE wearing off. Maybe it's being more secure in myself. Maybe it's how good and quiet our relationship has been lately, which makes me more secure in the connection and more comfortable branching out. Maybe it's a combination of the above. When I was seeing Beckett, I got my first taste of what it was like to balance two people that I was very much into. I am eager to try more of that. I also feel like it would do me good to share others' company more often. Too much lately, it is only Rider and me, all the time. It's nice and comforting and all, but I begin to crave different energy after a while. And my poly nature is very curious about who else I might meet when we get there.

So many adventures ahead!
 
Of freaking course when I get back to my hotel room from having dinner with my bosses and go on Facebook, the very first thing I see is Beckett's ex checking them in to a restaurant out of town saying, "Ending to a long day. Glad to have had one of the best people with me all day."

I waited over five weeks since the last peep from her on his page to work up the nerve to say something to him, and the very next day there she is again. Obviously, it's whatever, but the timing is just absurd. If I'd only waited two more days! I feel a little foolish.
 
I totally get it, I felt that way after nate hadnt seen deanna in over 3 months, I thought she was out of my hair and she just popped back in grrrr
 
I just wouldn't have said anything if I didn't think it was over between them based on her lack of presence anywhere on his (considerably active) social media. I would have continued to leave him alone to do his thing with her, as he had implied that he wanted to. His answer to my text likewise had room for interpretation that it was a done thing that he'd be explaining to me after the fact.

Oh, well. I guess we'll see. Seems like it could go one of three ways: 1) we never end up hanging out after all; 2) we hang out but platonically; 3) he isn't bothered by the ex thing or other factors anymore and so we actually hook up. None of those options is technically a loss for me, since I hadn't been seeing him anyway, so it's really no big deal.
 
Reverie said:
Dating

Psychologically, I think I am ready. That weird feeling of needing to be super-duper connected to Rider at all times has abated. Maybe it's NRE wearing off. Maybe it's being more secure in myself. Maybe it's how good and quiet our relationship has been lately, which makes me more secure in the connection and more comfortable branching out. Maybe it's a combination of the above. When I was seeing Beckett, I got my first taste of what it was like to balance two people that I was very much into. I am eager to try more of that. I also feel like it would do me good to share others' company more often. Too much lately, it is only Rider and me, all the time. It's nice and comforting and all, but I begin to crave different energy after a while. And my poly nature is very curious about who else I might meet when we get there.
Click to expand...

Lots of gold in this for me to relate to personally and also to see how Bond may be feeling a need to find another/others.

I'm starting to feel less of a need to be super duper connected to Bond. I think that will increase as our lives become quieter. Everything M-related has dropped lower on the drama scale, plus time is passing and we're gaining relationship history. All of this contributes to feeling more secure and I can anticipate wanting to branch out some in the future.

And the second part: " Too much lately, it is only Rider and me, all the time. It's nice and comforting and all, but I begin to crave different energy after a while. And my poly nature is very curious about who else I might meet when we get there." Makes me think that this is where Bond is at emotionally. I think it would do him good to have some outside interest where someone is really into him. He's had some emotional bruises with M and Bea in the past few months.

Good stuff to contemplate. Thanks!
 
Petunia said:
Lots of gold in this for me to relate to personally and also to see how Bond may be feeling a need to find another/others.
Click to expand...

I'm glas that you find my posts useful! I just happened to notice recently that your blog goes way back, so I intend to read through the archives. :)
 
Rider finally saw Pablo. Pablo came to Rider's wrestling party on Sunday. As Rider predicted, Pablo gave some weak explanation about having had a bad week, but I don't think that really excuses standing Rider up and then not texting at all in the interim. I think Rider's feelings are pretty hurt, and he said he didn't feel very much like being affectionate with Pablo. He said he's kind of just going to pull back and see what Pablo does.

Rider has a Skype session scheduled with Kitty tomorrow night. She'd been wanting to have a conversation with Rider, picking his brain about poly. He's all excited about it because he is hoping that if she opens her relationship, they will have a chance to date each other again, albeit long distance. They had originally scheduled their chat for tonight, but tonight is the first night I am back in town after being away on business for five days, and I think Rider could tell I was a bit shocked that he'd offered that time to someone else. I wasn't angry or sad or anything—indeed, I offered to leave to give them some time, if he wanted it—but I was taken aback at it, given how much Rider has been saying that he misses me and is counting the days. To schedule a chat literally less than an hour after I get back didn't seem to make any sense. I guess he just wasn't thinking. He does that.

My biggest news is that I reactivated my OKC and changed the zip code to that of my office in Opposite Coast City. I decided that I can start making virtual connections and getting a feel for a few people before I get out there. So far I have been responding to just about everyone who messages me (mostly with short replies about how I think they'd be a good candidate for friendship or how I don't think we're a match to hang out), and I have reached out and messaged three people.

One of them was a woman, who is also poly and partnered with a man. Another was a person who listed themselves as genderqueer but seems to be mostly male at the moment. And the last one was a very attractive transwoman who has eyes that are a lot like Beckett's. Actually, she resembles Beckett in a few ways, so it is not surprising that I like her. All three people are very high (90+) match percentages for me and list "non-monogamous" on their profile. I've had very interesting conversations with the latter two, and we exchanged "likes." I am excited to be their friend and possibly more—we'll see how things go. :)
 
Wow, the OKC is proving a bountiful source of people to chat with. So far, seven people that I have clicked "like" on have liked me back. I decided to go with that more passive method after initially messaging the three people that I messaged, because I was getting a fair number of messages from people who weren't on my list, and so I figured I might as well give some indication of interest to the people who WERE on my list, to balance it out.

I'm replying to everyone who makes it through my (minimal) filters, though I have warned them that I am so busy that the conversation might be sporadic. I imagine that I'll start with a large pool of shallow conversations, and it will soon narrow to a small pool of deep conversations, and these will be my future friends when I get there.

Rider is wary of my doing all of this. He asked me to please make sure that I don't live too far in the future because he still needs me to be here with him in the present. I don't think that talking to people online who may eventually become IRL friends is "living in the future"; after all, the conversations are happening in the present.

It makes me worry a little bit about what will happen when these people are no longer pixels on a page, but flesh-and-blood connections that I am going on dates with. For the first time in over a year, I am actually excited about dating, and he seems mostly nervous about it, even though it is not quite upon us yet. It seems that the more independent I become, the less secure he feels. But I have absolutely no intention of leaving him or destroying what we have together. On the contrary, I feel like bridging that gap from him being the only one really dating outside of our relationship to our both doing it will be the next awesome stage in our growth together. We got a little preview of it with Beckett, and, indeed, that seemed to freak him out a bit while it was happening, even as I found it empowering. I do understand where his fear might be coming from, though. I have been there.
 
Kitty stood Rider up on their Skype session. He was super disappointed. He rationalized it away, saying that she is currently studying abroad, and it was late there, so maybe she fell asleep. I hope that is the case. I feel really bad that so many of the people he likes have been so flaky.

He said that one of the good things about he and I having each other is that we can depend on one another, and having each other takes the sting out of being let down by other people. It's true! It's definitely one of the benefits of poly: knowing that we can still remain each other's foundations in a way, even as the storm of other people's caprice rages around us.

I'm up to 9 mutual OKC likes out of the 40 people I tagged. Nearly a quarter! Seems like a pretty good rate. I'm also having some good conversations with some people I wouldn't have necessarily noticed otherwise. And I got (what I think was) a compliment for giving a "very nice, gracious, and polite rejection" which I guess is about the nicest thing someone can say to me about that. It's what I was going for, anyway. If some of these conversations end up having a good amount of depth and longevity, I suppose I will have to give the people names.

There were nowhere near this number of promising people on OKC in Current City. I wonder if it's that fewer people use OKC here, or there are just fewer people here, or that the poly community is a lot smaller here. Probably a bit of all of the above.

I'm going to be up late working tonight. Rider is out at TNT, but he is not going to be super happy to discover me still working when he gets home. We have to get up early in the morning to pick up my (supposedly finally fixed) car. And then SAM IS COMING tomorrow night! I wanna rub my face all over his fuzzy chest. It seems like way longer than a month since I've seen him. I want to give him so many cuddles!
 
As is turned out, Kitty really did just fall asleep. Although, to Rider's chagrin, they did not reschedule when they spoke for her to apologize. Maybe he'll get a good, long chat in with her while I am out of town.

I have decided to just pull an all-nighter tonight. It was so late when Rider, Sam, and I got back from Halloween stuff that I knew that I would be in a worse mood if I were to catch just a few short hours than I would be to just stay up and then sleep on the plane and go to bed early after I am done setting my work stuff up. It is often easier for me to stay up than wake up—curse of the night owl.

So the boys are all tucked in and sleeping, and here I sit with my computer.

We had a lot of fun tonight. We met up with some friends, and even though it was kind of an odd mix, it was good. The first people to show up were one of Rider & Sam's other old college roommates and his girlfriend. I like the old roommate just fine, but his girlfriend has always been kind of hard to get along with. I'm always nice to her, and she seems to like me very much, but she is one of those people who never has anything good to say—a real "negative Nancy." Thankfully, they ended up dipping out on the early side.

The other people we hung out with were this lesbian couple, Tansy and Marie, that Rider and I sometimes double date with, and an ex of Rider's and her new dude. This was the first time I'd really hung out with that ex of his in a couple of years. He doesn't consider her an ex (since he felt more like FWB than romantic about her), but she used to be in love with him, and she was the person who was most often accompanying him when he and I first met and were just friends. She had become a friend of mine more than he had at first.

The two of them broke up about two months before he and I started seeing each other, and she wouldn't speak to either of us once we got together, which lasted for about a year and a half. She had this idea that I was never her real friend and was just using her to get close to him, which doesn't even approach the truth, but she also befriended MY ex and I think he poured a lot of poison in her ear when I left him. It was a whole drama thing that I am very glad is two years behind us now. I am happy to be friends with her again.

The seven of us had a very fun evening, walking around the local street party in costume. Everyone was drinking but me, but I still had a fine time. Some interesting conversations about poly were had as well.

Sam is becoming more and more curious about it these days. Which...he and I have had our own sporadic thing for over a year now, and I think his seeing that it has negatively effected neither Rider's relationship with me nor his own friendship with Rider is making him give it some thought. Right now, he's basically a single guy who enjoys occasional hookups (including with me), but he's more interested in looking for love now than he was a while back.

Rider and I answered a bunch of his questions about how it works for us. Sam was very surprised when I told him that Kelly has become one of my best friends, and I never would have been in such close contact with her if it weren't for the fact that she was a partner of Rider's. He remembered the whole Claire debacle and asked about that, and we explained how that had been a learning experience for each of us (Claire included) in that we discovered that opposite styles of poly don't mesh well. Now we each kind of suss out potential partners' attitudes about things in advance. I have listed right in my OKC profile that I prefer "kitchen table poly" and so I get mostly responses from people who share that preference.

The poly conversation with Tansy went pretty much the opposite. She used to consider herself solo poly, but she was burned a bunch of times by other lesbians who wanted to make triads with her and generally treated her poorly: poor communication, making her feel like a sex toy, etc. She now believes that poly doesn't work, and, when I cited the success that Rider and I have been having with it, she thought for a moment and then said, "Well, maybe it just doesn't work for lesbians." I doubt that is the case—surely, she just struck out with particularly shitty lesbians. Either way, I'm glad she's happy in her two-year mono relationship with Marie. They seem really good together and really in love. It's super cute.

Sam was doing some more talking tonight like he might be interested in eventually following Rider and me to Opposite Coast. He was saying that he'd told himself for years that he didn't want to turn 40 in Current State (he's been living here on and off but mostly on for 20 years now) and he's running out of time. He'll be 40 next year. I told him that if Rider gets his transfer and we end up getting a two-bedroom apartment, we'd both be totally cool with him crashing in the second bedroom until he figures things out for himself—no pressure, but just an option if it seems to make sense for him. I know that since his mom died, he and his brother have all the say in what happens to the house he's been living in for over a decade. They've been talking about renting it out, or even doing Air BNB there. But he doesn't have to keep living there if he's as sick of College Town as he seems to be.

Beckett posted another pic of his ex, this time from a hotel room in an even different city. So I guess that answers that. I'll hit him up once (JUST ONCE) more about hanging out when I am back from my travels the week of Thanksgiving, but otherwise I'm back in fade mode with him. I'll still let him know if something reminds me of him because I do that even with friends, but I'm again totally numb to the idea of more.

The business trip I'm leaving on in a couple of hours is my last one until January! I'll be back on Tuesday night, and then I'll have Wednesday and Thursday home before Rider and I leave for Football Town on Friday. And then College Town for Sam's big party the following weekend. But then I get to be in town for SIX SOLID WEEKS before the move! I haven't had that long of a stretch in town since April, so I am completely stoked.
 
Speak of the devil, and the devil appears!

Apparently, this morning Rider woke up to a message from Claire, upset that she had walked by our crew at the street party last night. She wanted to know if he still planned to move because she no longer wants to chance running into him while out and about in Current City.

For fuck's sake!

This street party, stretching over many blocks of the city, had over 30,000 people in attendance. She didn't have to interact with any of us. Indeed, I didn't even SEE her. Rider said he'd seen her for a moment, but they didn't have any contact. It was literally two groups of people passing each other on a crowded thoroughfare, and she can't handle that—to the point where she had to message him bitching and starting drama and making him feel shitty first thing in the morning merely for existing and living his life in the same city as her.

I am just so, so, so glad that she is no longer my metamour. That whole "this town ain't big enough for the two of us" mentality is completely outside of my ken. It is a totally normal fact of life to have to run into exes sometimes, even if you are not friends with them. It's part of adulthood.

This whole thing just sums up in a nutshell her level of immaturity and toxicity, and it leaves me without a trace of doubt in my mind that I did the right thing by setting and sticking to that boundary those many months ago. Hell, it makes me a bit shocked that I put up with it for as long as I did. But I was in really heavy NRE, and I felt like Rider was worth it. And he has been. My god, though, she is something else.
 
I'm missing Rider a lot harder than I have been on my other business trips lately. I think it is just so many stacked on top of each other. I would give almost anything to be cuddled against him right now.

He and Sam had a fun rest of their weekend. I chatted with him on IM a little bit and am going to bed soon. I really wish he could just be here with me in this giant, lonely hotel bed. I also can't wait until I am better rested so my libido can kick back into gear.
 
Today is the last day of my last business trip in 2015! I get on my plane home in less than 12 hours. I am very excited that there will almost certainly not be any more extended absences from Rider until January.

I say "almost" because there is a slim chance that he may have to precede me to Opposite Coast. The newspaper that is thinking about hiring him is apparently eager to have someone right away and has asked if there is any way he can start work sooner than January. However, his current job (which is a different branch of the same company) wants to keep him until just before Christmas to train his replacement.

So far, he has spoken to his current boss and to the woman who would be his new boss about possibly beginning to work for them remotely during his downtime at his current job (there is usually a lot of that). His potential new boss needs to ask HER boss about it, and he is out on vacation this week, so it is more wait and see. I'm not really sure what will happen if the higher-up boss says no. At the very least, Rider has already been approved for the buyout, so even if he does not get the transfer position, he will get his four weeks of severance and unemployment instead, which will be enough to live on while he looks for something else.

Speaking of money, I had to make my first-ever legal threat today: an email to my last landlord threatening to take him to court if he does not return my security deposit by the end of the week. It is past the date by which he was required to either make claims against it or return it, and—as in all other things—he has been dragging his feet and being flaky in communication. I have a limited time left to get this settled, so I am not wasting any more time. I will give him until the end of the week before filing suit on Monday. I need that money to put down on my new place on Opposite Coast.

It sickens me how landlords sometimes treat security deposits like they are their own personal money, rather than what they are intended to be: insurance against careless tenants causing damages. It is so terribly unethical. I have always been an exemplary tenant, so I get very offended when a landlord doesn't live up to their side of our contract. I don't understand why people can't just follow the rules and behave like decent human beings.
 
I am so overwhelmed right now that I literally started to cry last night when I got home after a long work/travel day (my work timer said 18:39) and my internet wasn't working.

It almost happened again when I was writing my boss an email with my to-do list and then Rider asked me if I'd had a chance to listen to the playlist he'd made me. It's really sweet when he makes me playlists when I travel, but all the work I've been doing made it seem like listening to it was just one more thing on my list of shit to do. Except for then I felt guilty for being annoyed, since he was just trying to be nice.

I am beyond burned out, totally premenstrual, still suffering a sleep debt, and still haven't heard back from my landlord. I kind of feel like I am thisclose to my breaking point and just saying fuckitall and going to live in on a mattress in a storage unit that I pay for with occasional street hooking—and never having to talk to anyone else under any circumstances ever again. Seems like it would be simple and peaceful.

But I can do this. One foot in front of the other until I am done. Robot mode.
 
Reverie said:
But I can do this. One foot in front of the other until I am done. Robot mode.
Click to expand...

Yes, you can do it! I'm sorry, Reverie :( I've been all kinds of stressed out lately, too, and have cried over the silliest things! I am fortunate though that I was able to catch up on some sleep and me time. It helped immensely. Here's hoping your world slows down a little so you can breathe and sleep! I would so miss your blog if you went the street hooking route... I mean, it may be exciting for the first day or two, but after awhile it would get kind of monotonous ;)

I hope the next few days are much easier than the last few... ((Hugs))
 
I know this feeling well. All the virtual hugs.
 
Thanks, guys. I am making it through!

I am on workday 40 in a row...BUT! I asked my boss if I could cut today short and also have Monday off, so after working for 40 days straight, I am now going to have 3.5 days off!

We're going up to Football Town tonight to hang out with Kelly and Evan. Kelly has been just as overworked and frazzled as I have been. We both have broken down and cried under work stress within the past week. I would like to give her a cuddle and hopefully have some relaxing fun this weekend. I made extra sure that our visit was welcome and not going to add extra stress to her life, and she said she did want to see us.

A lady from my landlord's office called me in response to a text that I sent calling attention to the email I had sent threatening legal action. She said she was putting the check in the mail and gave me a check number. She said it should arrive today, but it was not in today's mail. I suppose it might just be running a little late and will arrive tomorrow. If it's not in there when we get back from Football Town, then I guess I have to go to the courthouse on Monday to file some paperwork. They'll be over three weeks overdue at that point, and I am not putting it off any longer. I don't want any court date to interfere with my moving plans, and I'm not sure what the schedule for that sort of thing is.

I am super excited to finally have some days off, though. This weekend is sure to be fun! :)
 
My 3.5 days off were amazing. Friday night, we drove up to Football Town and I went almost immediately to sleep while Rider and Evan chatted. Kelly and Man had also gone to bed early so I didn't see her until the next morning.

Saturday we woke up pretty early (but still not as early as Kelly and Man) and Rider and I went to go get some food. By the time we got back, Man had gone home to get some things done around the house, so we watched the game with Kelly, Evan, and a couple of Evan's friends who came over.

At the beginning of the game, Rider was sitting by Evan, but he came over to sit between me and Kelly partway through. We all three cuddled up for a while, and I was pleased for Rider that Kelly still wanted to cuddle him even though she has Man now. It seemed like she was not afraid to be affectionate with him in Man's absence, though she went back to leaving quite a bit of personal space between them when Man returned. At one point in the game, Rider got up and moved to the other couch to stretch out a bit, and Kelly and I kind of cuddled up too. It was nice.

We were trying to decide what to do after the game ended. There was talk of a blanket fort and nap-cuddles, but there was no good way to implement the fort with the existing room setup. There was talk of going to see some nature stuff, but it was decided that it was getting too late. Finally, I asked Kelly if she had any board games. She lit up and said that she did but that usually no one wanted to play with her. We decided that's what we would do next and made plans to go to the store and get some more.

Man got back shortly after that, so Kelly, Man, and I went to the liquor store and the tabletop game shop and bought a fun game called "King of Tokyo." Then we went back to the house and scooped Rider up and went out for Thai food and frozen yogurt. When we got back to the house, we all food-comaed out for a bit and Kelly started not to feel well. She'd been battling a cold all week and had thought it was gone enough for her to party with us, but by that point her throat hurt too bad to talk enough to play the games we had, so she went to bed. Rider and I retired to the room set up for us and had some really hot sex.

Sunday, we all five went out for breakfast and then played King of Tokyo and another fun game that Kelly had called Betrayal at House on the Hill. Evan even participated in the first couple of rounds despite being kind of a general grump when it comes to those sorts of things. Since I wasn't drinking, the games gave me something better to do than sit around and be drunk, which seems like it is often the m.o. at gatherings. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy that as much as the next person, but now that it's been like a month and a half since I've done it, I very much appreciate when there is some other central activity that everyone can be involved in.

I think Rider had more fun than he expected to playing the games. When we first mentioned board games, he looked a little skeptical. By the time the last round was over and we were on our way home, he was talking about looking to see if there was an online version we could play with them.

Another thing that I liked about playing the games was that it gave me a chance to get to know Man better. I found him a bit enigmatic at first, mostly because he was outside of the parameters of what I'm used to dealing with. I don't have any friends over 40 yet, and he has an elementary aged child but still skateboards and hangs out with young people. And he's into all the same kinky stuff as Kelly. With my new policy of not trying to neatly put people into boxes to determine how I should relate to them, I was curious to see how our interaction would unfold. He seemed really cool. His interactions with Kelly were cute, and I could tell they really liked each other.

All of these experiences that I am collecting seem to sum up the idea that people are just...people. We're all just living life and hoping to connect. None of us has it totally figured out, and the best you can do is just be nice to people and keep your eyes open.

Since Rider drove up to Football Town, I did the driving on the way home. We had some good discussions. We talked about our financial plans for the future. He has previously told me that he doesn't feel like he can plan more than two years out at any given time. I told him that, while of course no one knows exactly what will happen, I have the basic framework of a plan for the next 10 years, which includes learning more about that sort of financial stuff that I don't know much about.

My plan so far is basically these steps:

1. Work on vanquishing credit card debt while still setting aside some money for the honeymoon trip.
2. Save for the honeymoon trip at a reasonable rate that will not disrupt my other plans.
3. Once the honeymoon/wedding are over, take the money each month I was saving for that and start saving for a down payment for a house instead. Hypothetically this will take about 5 or 6 years unless I get another huge raise.
4. Get a small house—nothing more than what we need to avoid paying a landlord each month. Ideally this would have one bedroom for me, one for Rider, and a third room or garage for our music room. Also a small yard for a dog.
5. Keep my student loans at an IBR rate of payment until the house is acquired, then start paying them off at a higher rate.
6. Once we're in a house and making good debt progress on our student loans, start making plans for retirement so it doesn't sneak up on us.

When I told Rider all of this, he said it makes sense. He said he'd never really thought about any of that before.

We also talked about our moving plans—both practical stuff like the logistics of transporting our animals and how soon he will have to sell his car, as well as more fun stuff like how excited he is to be living in a new place. Last week (I think it was Thursday night) I met him out briefly because he wanted to introduce me to a friend of his who was coming through town on tour. This is his one friend who has "made it": a Grammy-nominated musician who goes on late-night talk shows and works with some of the biggest names in pop. He hadn't been in touch with this friend for a year or two, but they used to be really tight. In fact, the guy is actually Reina's ex-husband. Rider had thought that this friend still lived in the city he'd originally moved to to "make it," but he discovered while they were hanging out that he now lives in Opposite Coast City, and—surprisingly, given his financial standing—actually in one of the neighborhoods that is on our short list. He IMed me with this information, obviously very excited.

I had originally planned to stay in and let the boys do whatever they wanted to do. I was feeling burned out and antisocial and not much like interacting with some unknown-quantity famous person and his entourage. But when I found out he might be a future neighbor, I was so happy for Rider that he would have another local friend that I decided to come out and get introduced and shown off. The guy, Jared, was very nice and down to earth. He sweetly told Rider that of all of his friends from back home, Rider was the one with the purest heart, and he missed hanging out with him. I guess maybe some of the other people have acted differently toward him once he achieved success. But Rider is just...Rider.

Jared was so excited at the prospect of Rider moving to Opposite Coast City that he was squeeing and saying we should move into the apartment next door to him because the people just moved out. We had to remind him that we're not moving for another 7 weeks, so that apartment will likely be long gone. Maybe it won't be, though. Who knows?

Speaking of apartments, I finally got a certified mail notice from my old landlord. I'm waiting for it to be redelivered today. It's supposed to be my returned security deposit, but I am not going to rejoice until the check with the correct number on it is actually in my hand. This whole process has been such a pain in the ass. It was enough to stave off my going to the courthouse yesterday though. And if it is what it's supposed to be, that means that we have achieved our financial goal for moving. All that's left is pretty much to sell Rider's car, get rid of 90% of our stuff, and find an apartment that will let us lease from afar.

Rider still has to hear the final word on the transfer; hopefully, that is coming down the pike at some point today, or, at the latest, later this week. He's been communicating with the woman who would be his immediate supervisor if it goes through, trying to set up a conference call between the two of them and her immediate boss. I guess the big boss is super busy this week, so scheduling is proving tough. Still, even that information will only dictate WHERE our apartment will be; it won't affect our process until we get there.

(continued...)
 
(...continued from previous)

Over the past few days, as I have unwound from my work stress and as Rider and I have planned for the future, I have become overwhelmed with the craziest emotions toward him. This is kind of hard to explain, but I will try.

I feel like in a lot of my past relationships the NRE and the thrill of the chase did a lot to cloud my judgment about things, and then when the NRE and the thrill wore off, there was nothing to keep me there. Either my no-longer-blinded eyes recognized some sort of dysfunction (in most of the longer relationships), or once the chase was over there was not a lot there and I lost interest (in most of the shorter relationships).

Recently, with the stress that I've been under, I could definitely see that the NRE was gone. Usually, NRE acts as a buffer to keep me from getting annoyed or frustrated with people. It keeps my interest in sex up, no matter what challenges I face. And usually, in my longer-term relationships, it has lasted to about the 2–2.5-year point.

Definitely over the past few months, it has worn off with Rider. Since August, my libido has depended more on how overworked I have been rather than any facet of my relationship with him. I've been more easily annoyed with his small foibles than I was for the first year and a half. I've been slightly more impatient in waiting for him to figure things out that seemed obvious to me, and it's been a struggle sometimes not to jump in and be bossy or pedantic. I guess I am lucky in that when some of that does slip through, he doesn't mind much since he is so subby, but *I* don't like that I feel that way.

For a moment, my feeling all of these things led me to have some strange existential thoughts. What if the love I felt for Rider wasn't real love at all? What if I have never felt real love? What if all of the times I've ever been "in love," it was just a heady combination of NRE, lust, and goal-orientedness? It would explain some of the times in the past when I have been really into someone right up until I realized that I "had them" completely, and then I'd lose sexual interest in them and want to take up with other people.

I mean, I've never had a LONG long-term relationship. And I do have trouble connecting with people. What if my obsession with him—with LOVE—has this whole time just been basically like a robot trying to feel what other people feel and getting mixed up in the process?

What if my goal of getting my relationship with Rider to a stable place, coupled with the cementing act of getting engaged, triggered that rapid deceleration of feeling that has happened with other people when the NRE wore off, but earlier than it has in past relationships because there is less dysfunction and drama to keep me fighting for it? What if no longer having active "competition" (now that we are in a period of relative monogamy while preparing to move) has somehow decreased his value to me on some level, so now I feel involuntarily more callous toward him? If there is no contest to "win," what value the prize? These were the anxious, fearful thoughts swirling around in my head.

But then I turned and looked at him—really looked at him—and listened to the timbre of his voice as he happily chattered on about something mundane. And my heart swelled with this intense love for him. Real love. Not NRE. Not something born of competition or blindness or refusal to face my own fears. Something sourced from a desire to give and accept and succeed together. Something at least as strong and beautiful as it was terrifying. I smiled at him and put my hand on his knee and told him I loved him, and he grinned from ear to ear.

I made...no, I RE-MADE...the decision to choose this one...to choose to keep loving him. To be patient and kind and forgiving of foibles. To pay loving attention to every piece of him, every whisker and toenail and frustrated sigh and sleeping breath. And I just love him and love him and love him. Every bit of what he is. I'm on his team until the end. It's good to know. And it's especially good to tear my feelings open and inspect them without looking away, even (or especially) when I fear I might find something ugly or scary. I haven't even mentioned any of this to him because it is my own process. But I wanted to put it here to remember, in case I am ever tempted to forget.

Ever since I had this revelation, I have just been feeling so much crazy-intense love for him. It is so ineffable that when I try to express it to him, I sound really sappy and stupid. I'm super excited about our entire future and everything in it.
 
Last edited:
Cast of characters update for 11/2015

Here's my updated cast of characters for this month. Ongoing partners bolded:

Ada: 32f/bi/mono/partnered. The friend that R&R originally met through. Former best friends with The Ex. Has a penchant for pot stirring and drama.

Alex: 34m/bi/poly/married. An early Reverie date (6/2014) that quickly turned platonic due to no spark and jealousy on his partner’s part, and then fizzled to nothing. Still FB friends.

Al: 36m/straight/mono/partnered. One of R&R's platonic music buddies. Partnered with Shana.

Allie: 33f/bi/single. R&R’s FWB since 10/2014. The sweetest girl, but usually too busy to hang out.

Anna: 29f/bi/mono/partnered. Reverie’s former roommate (10/2014–9/2015) and Rider’s former fling (3/2013).

Arturo: 30m/straight/polyflexible/partnered. An early Reverie date (7/2014) who was a nice guy but there was no spark. Since then, we have become friends, and he has become the cat-sitter.

Aurora: 24f/bi. Reverie's questionably too-young girlcrush who moved far away at the end of October.

Beckett: 35m/heteroflexible/mono/single. Reverie's megacrush since 5/2015. Connection ended (by him) after a month of dating (7/2015–8/2015) but remain friends. Bandmates with Caleb.

Brandon: 33m/straight/cheater. An early Reverie date (7/2014–9/2014) who was charming but turned out to be cheating on his girlfriend. Hooked up a few times but was ultimately too flaky and then discovered to be cheating. Still FB friends.

Caleb: 37m/straight/partnered. Reverie’s former FWB (9/2014 to 11/2014)—good sex, not so great personality, as it turned out. Bandmates with Beckett.

Candace: 29f/bi/single. R&R’s elusive crush-girl who is impossible to pin down for plans.

Claire: 28f/bi/poly. Rider's ex-girlfriend (2007–2009, 2013–2015) and the person who introduced him to poly in 2013. They have not remained friends except for on FB. Occasionally she resurfaces to be a jerk about something.

Desiree: 38f/straight/single. Rider’s former longtime crush (2011–2015) who he was just on the verge of hooking up with when she viciously bullied Reverie one night while blackout drunk, which changed his mind about her.

Emily: 27f/bi/OPP/partnered. Reverie’s brief girl crush and now platonic friend. The crush part lasted only like a week.

Erica: 35f/bi/single. R&R’s friend who was married but had a falling out with her husband over a threesome-lite she had with us and all hell broke loose.

Evan: 39m/straight/single. Rider's friend from childhood and Kelly's current roommate. Lives in Football Town, about 4.5 hours away.

The Ex: 36m/straight/mono/single. Reverie's last relationship before Rider (2010–2014). Convinced Reverie to give mono/OPP another try after she tried to be poly in 2010. Relationship ended, in part, because Reverie-initiated talks of opening further made him paranoid, controlling, and convinced he was being cheated on. Recently re-friended on FB after a year and a half of no contact. Now lives on Opposite Coast.

Georgia: 35f/straight/married: Reverie’s platonic friend—sister-in-law to The Ex.

Gray: 30m. An early Reverie date that was the most boring date ever. Reverie’s avowed last internet date in this town.

Henry: 33m/straight/single. R&R's platonic friend—totally bromantic with Rider.

Jake: 34m/heteroflexible/poly. Reverie's high school crush and hometown lover, living about 1,000 miles away. Hooking up on and off since 7/2014, with lots of visits between 10/2014 and 3/2015. This has cooled off considerably due to distance and sexual incompatibility, but the love and friendship is still there.

Jared: mid-30s/straight/partnered. Rider's longtime friend and Reina's ex-husband. Recently rekindled bromance with Rider after being away for a couple of years getting famous. Will likely be R&R's neighbor on Opposite Coast.

Jerry: 35m/straight/single. Rider's longtime friend and Reverie's new friend. Lives about 3 hours away.

Kelly: 26f/bi/poly. Rider's former FWB+ (LDR, 10/2014–9/2015) and current good friend. Reverie’s friend since 1/2015. Has had threesome with R&R. Lives in Football Town about 4.5 hours away. Dating Man, tentatively monogamously.

Kitty: 34f/bi/polycurious/partnered. Rider's "one that got away" ex. They dated for 9 months in 2012 but she moved away to go to law school and their LDR didn't work out. He was still hung up on her when I met him, and they are still friends. She lives less than two hours from my Hometown.

Laura: 29f/bi/single. Hippie painter girl that Rider is crushing on and Reverie is "maybe" about.

Man: 45m/bi/partnered. Kelly's boyfriend since 9/2015. They have not yet had the exclusivity talk, but are probably leaning mono.

Marie: 28f/lesbian/mono/partnered. R&R's platonic friend. Partnered with Tansy.

Molly: 36f/bi/single. R&R had a threesome with her once (7/2014) and hung out platonically a few more times. She’s fun but a little crazy and we tend to keep our options open with her but not get too close. Rider is more into her than Reverie is.

Moss: 40m/straight/mono/single. Reverie's ex-husband (together 2007–2010) and recent ex-boyfriend (2014–2015). Lives on Opposite Coast. Reconnected in a long-distance fashion until he decided he wanted to try to go monogamous with someone else. When that ended, this did not resume.

Oona: 38f/bi/monogamish/partnered. Reverie's BFF. Friends since 1999, on and off FWB since 2002. Has hooked up with R&R in a threesome before. Currently lives in on Opposite Coast, in the city where R&R will be moving come January. Has been dating Toby monogamously since 9/2014 but is currently trying to negotiate OPP.

Pablo: 35m/bi/single. Rider's boyfriend and Reverie's sometime FWB. Rider’s first M/M sexual experience, and they ended up falling in love. Has confessed being in love with Reverie as well, but the strength of feeling is not mutual, so the relationship remains as a V with Rider as the hinge. He is notoriously flaky to the point where their relationship is always on the brink of fading away.

Ramsey: Reina’s husband, and an old friend of Rider’s.

Reina: 38f/bi/OPP/married. An old friend of Rider’s and a long-distance FWB of Reverie’s since 11/2013. Married to Ramsey. Formerly married to Jared. Lives in a far corner of Opposite Coast so we don’t get to see her much.

Reverie: 34f/bi/poly. Me! Currently engaged to Rider and crushing hard on Beckett even though that's over. Additional loose connections of varying places on the FWB-to-romance spectrum with Sam, Jake, Allie, Oona, Reina, and Pablo.

Rider: 39m/bi/poly. Reverie's fiancé, together since 2/2014, friends since 6/2013. Also dating Pablo, is FWB with Allie, and has a seemingly infinite constellation of crushes and sparks with people.

Shana: 33f/heteroflexible/mono/partnered: One of R&R's platonic music buddies. Partnered with Al. Good friends with Claire.

Shane: An early Reverie date (11/2014) that went nowhere.

Sherry: 44f/mono. A former FWB (very long distance) of Rider’s (5/2013–5/2014), whose expectations that their relationship would eventually turn exclusive ended up breaking her heart.

Sam: 39m/straight/polyflexible/single. Rider's BFF since college in 1994. Reverie's sometime lover since 7/2014—a loose “it happens when it happens” connection that is mostly affectionate with some sex thrown in there every once in a while. He lives in College Town about 3.5 hours away, so it’s all long distance.

Tansy: 30f/lesbian/mono/partnered. R&R's platonic friend. Partnered with Marie.

Tasha: 33f/bi/open/engaged. Reverie’s FWB (since 2011) on Opposite Coast.

Toby: 38m/straight/mono/partnered. Oona’s boyfriend since 9/2014. Has been in a poly relationship before but is mono now.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top