The Best Life Yet
- Thread starter Reverie
- Start date
Reverie
Active member
I've been texting with Kristof tonight and, wow, I really do have a serious crush on him already. That was fast, especially for me. It's been over nine months since the last time I met a new guy (Beckett) who made my squee-squiggles wiggle. I totally reactivated my OKC for five minutes just to see if he had any new pictures up, and he did, and I screenshotted them to sigh over later before deactivating again. I wonder if date #2 is going to bring me back down to Earth or shoot me farther off into new-interest hyperspace. I have to wait a week to find out. A whole week! 
Reverie
Active member
Can I just say how weird sexual attraction is? Normally I go through life enjoying sex when I have it but really only wanting it when I am in the presence of someone who really revs my engine (which is usually someone I have an emotional connection to that has grown over time).
I rarely "get horny" without provocation. My sex drive is highly dependent on my cycle, my workload (and subsequent level of exhaustion), and my proximity to my lover(s). I never, ever just sit around thinking about how it would be nice to have some sex, with sex as a valued thing in itself that can be disembodied from a particular person. The closest I get to that is that once in a while I will crave being with a woman when it has been months where I have only been having sex with men.
And yet...
Oddly, and fairly rarely, someone will come along who instantly piques my interest after spending just a few moments with them in person. It's a magnetism, an instant attraction.
It can take the form of a lightning bolt zap (as it did with Beckett); or with a sense of "I must get to know this person and I don't know why" but after some platonic exploration, the "why" turns out to be intense sexual chemistry (as it did with Rider); or with an overall feeling of crackly-soft warmth and a compelling desire to reach out and touch (as it appears to have with Kristof).
But once it catches fire, suddenly the idea of sex with that person—even if I have hung out with them for only a few short hours, even if I have no idea what they kiss like or what they look like naked—lurks in the back of my mind surfacing easily and distracting me from other tasks.
At the early stages, I wouldn't go so far as to call it NRE, because there is no real "relationship" to speak of, but it's definitely a change in state for me compared to my usual "take it or leave it" feeling about sex. Like, I get an actual sex drive, I guess, as opposed to my normal state of highly enjoying sex when it happens but having very little self-centered motivation to make it happen (as opposed to making my partner happy).
And then I wonder if I'm weird. I wonder if "regular" people feel this way about sex all the time (thinking about it lots, wanting it), and if people with more attraction bandwidth feel this particular way about lots of people. And I also wonder about what makes it happen.
Like, why THIS particular person, if they are not necessarily "objectively hotter" than other people I've interacted with, and if I don't know them well enough that it can all be personality based? If it's not looks, and it can't be a strong knowledge of their personality...
Is it chemical: based on pheromones somehow? Is it delusional: based on some idealized version of them that my brain has concocted without my consent, scraped together from the scraps of the little I know? Is it psychological "priming": subconsciously picking up on some small mannerisms that might echo situations from the past that I've been safe in (thus letting my guard down), or conversely, that I've been thrilled in (thus amping up my physical response)? Is it intuitive: just a nebulous new-agey "vibe" thing that has no logical explanation?
All I know is that I've been paying more and more attention to it recently, being poly, because I don't have to automatically do the "downplay and stay away" thing when I am drawn to someone, like I've had to do in mono relationships. And I've noticed that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of rhyme or reason to why the attraction at first sight (or more like "at first proximity") occurrence happens.
In the three times in the past three years that this has happened with guys, there really isn't a lot in common among the occurrences. I've been dead sober, or had two beers, or been rather on the drunk side. It's been afternoon, or early evening, or very late at night. A public event, a private party, or a one-on-one date. They've been slightly below average height, or slightly above average height, or well above average height. They've been skinny or average or pot-bellied. Brown-haired, auburn, or strawberry-blonde. Kind or sarcastic. Geeky, buddy-buddy, or super-slick. Eyes of blue, green, or brown. A few years younger, a few years older, or about the same age. Literally the only thing I can think of in common is "pale"...but there are plenty of super-pale guys I've met who have NOT invoked this response in me. It's a giant mystery!
I guess I'll just have to keep on dating and collect more data.
I rarely "get horny" without provocation. My sex drive is highly dependent on my cycle, my workload (and subsequent level of exhaustion), and my proximity to my lover(s). I never, ever just sit around thinking about how it would be nice to have some sex, with sex as a valued thing in itself that can be disembodied from a particular person. The closest I get to that is that once in a while I will crave being with a woman when it has been months where I have only been having sex with men.
And yet...
Oddly, and fairly rarely, someone will come along who instantly piques my interest after spending just a few moments with them in person. It's a magnetism, an instant attraction.
It can take the form of a lightning bolt zap (as it did with Beckett); or with a sense of "I must get to know this person and I don't know why" but after some platonic exploration, the "why" turns out to be intense sexual chemistry (as it did with Rider); or with an overall feeling of crackly-soft warmth and a compelling desire to reach out and touch (as it appears to have with Kristof).
But once it catches fire, suddenly the idea of sex with that person—even if I have hung out with them for only a few short hours, even if I have no idea what they kiss like or what they look like naked—lurks in the back of my mind surfacing easily and distracting me from other tasks.
At the early stages, I wouldn't go so far as to call it NRE, because there is no real "relationship" to speak of, but it's definitely a change in state for me compared to my usual "take it or leave it" feeling about sex. Like, I get an actual sex drive, I guess, as opposed to my normal state of highly enjoying sex when it happens but having very little self-centered motivation to make it happen (as opposed to making my partner happy).
And then I wonder if I'm weird. I wonder if "regular" people feel this way about sex all the time (thinking about it lots, wanting it), and if people with more attraction bandwidth feel this particular way about lots of people. And I also wonder about what makes it happen.
Like, why THIS particular person, if they are not necessarily "objectively hotter" than other people I've interacted with, and if I don't know them well enough that it can all be personality based? If it's not looks, and it can't be a strong knowledge of their personality...
Is it chemical: based on pheromones somehow? Is it delusional: based on some idealized version of them that my brain has concocted without my consent, scraped together from the scraps of the little I know? Is it psychological "priming": subconsciously picking up on some small mannerisms that might echo situations from the past that I've been safe in (thus letting my guard down), or conversely, that I've been thrilled in (thus amping up my physical response)? Is it intuitive: just a nebulous new-agey "vibe" thing that has no logical explanation?
All I know is that I've been paying more and more attention to it recently, being poly, because I don't have to automatically do the "downplay and stay away" thing when I am drawn to someone, like I've had to do in mono relationships. And I've noticed that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of rhyme or reason to why the attraction at first sight (or more like "at first proximity") occurrence happens.
In the three times in the past three years that this has happened with guys, there really isn't a lot in common among the occurrences. I've been dead sober, or had two beers, or been rather on the drunk side. It's been afternoon, or early evening, or very late at night. A public event, a private party, or a one-on-one date. They've been slightly below average height, or slightly above average height, or well above average height. They've been skinny or average or pot-bellied. Brown-haired, auburn, or strawberry-blonde. Kind or sarcastic. Geeky, buddy-buddy, or super-slick. Eyes of blue, green, or brown. A few years younger, a few years older, or about the same age. Literally the only thing I can think of in common is "pale"...but there are plenty of super-pale guys I've met who have NOT invoked this response in me. It's a giant mystery!
I guess I'll just have to keep on dating and collect more data.
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OnceAndFuture
Member
Sexual attraction can prove very blind. If I'd been asked to describe my ideal sexual partner I would have described someone very unlike The Star. Why, wasn't my type a tall, bespectacled, cool-looking woman? Perhaps someone who favored wearing their hair straight? Possibly someone whose method of flirting was smiling shyly and making subtle comments?
Well The Star wasn't any of those things and I went after her like an uncaged lion. We practically set the room on fire just looking at each other. And now I subscribe to the words of that poet that said "lust just doesn't give a good goddamn." When I admitted to The Signal I was poly she asked me what type of woman I might be thinking of dating, and I confidently answered, "Female."
Well The Star wasn't any of those things and I went after her like an uncaged lion. We practically set the room on fire just looking at each other. And now I subscribe to the words of that poet that said "lust just doesn't give a good goddamn." When I admitted to The Signal I was poly she asked me what type of woman I might be thinking of dating, and I confidently answered, "Female."
Reverie
Active member
Hahaha, I love both of these things! But I still want to know...what is that "x factor"? What makes it switch on or off? It's gotta be something to do with pheromones...right? It's something invisible and involuntary, for sure!
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Reverie
Active member
Typical early-crush internal conversation:
"I am thinking of crush object. Should send message."
"No, I sent the last message. Should not send message."
"Well, that's a stupid reason not to send a message. Should send message."
"OK, then. Will send message. What shall I send?"
"..."
"..."
"I can't think of anything appropriate to say. Should not send message."
"OK, that is a good reason not to send a message. Will not send message."
"I am thinking of crush object. Should send message."
"No, I sent the last message. Should not send message."
"Well, that's a stupid reason not to send a message. Should send message."
"OK, then. Will send message. What shall I send?"
"..."
"..."
"I can't think of anything appropriate to say. Should not send message."
"OK, that is a good reason not to send a message. Will not send message."
OnceAndFuture
Member
I don't think there is an X Factor. When I was in a relationship with The Signal and The Star, they were very different in almost every way. And both of them wanted to know which one of them I was attracted to more, and why. I...I just didn't. I wanted them both just more than I could almost stand. Invisible, involuntary. Yes. Powerful.
I just hope that I can inspire that feeling in others. It is hard to feel confident in the invisible.
I hope you feel confident enough to find something to say to your crush...I think anything you say will generate the response you would like from him. Just a feeling I have.
Reverie
Active member
Even if my brain short circuited so hard that literally all I could think of was to tell a Snoop Dogg joke?
(True story. Didn't send it though.)OnceAndFuture
Member
Even if my brain short circuited so hard that literally all I could think of was to tell a Snoop Dogg joke?
Hey, I would have laughed. The Signal and I spent one of our first dates discussing the merits of various 90's hip-hop one-hit wonders. (Tag Team over Baha Men, definitely.)
I go through this even when it come to messaging Woody sometimes...
Reverie
Active member
From functionally monogamous to holy polycoaster in a week flat...
Last night I had my first date with Karina. It was a lot of fun! I wasn't super attracted to her out of the gate, but I can tell it's going to be the sort of situation where it grows with time. We have a good number of interests in common, and she's also right around Rider's age, so I am used to the cultural references there.
I'd never been on a date with a trans person before, but only because there really haven't been many in most of the areas I've lived in. The only thing really different about it as opposed to being on a date with a cis woman was that after she started to feel comfortable with me, she was mentioning some things to do with her transition, and I wasn't sure whether I should ask questions (like is usually considered polite to do when a date is talking about a topic) or whether that would be prying. I erred on the side of not asking, figuring she'd opened up to some degree and if she wanted to tell me more, she would. But I'm not used to there being areas of discussion that I feel timid about talking about.
She has really pretty eyes and interesting hair and is smart and fun and a little nerdy—all of which are pluses in my book!
The only ugh moment of the night was when I looked at the prices on the menu at the bar she suggested. The drinks were easily twice what I was accustomed to paying in the kinds of dives I usually frequent. But they were delicious! I got the first round, and she got the second round, and we sat on the same side of the booth like lovers do, leaning close and laughing often.
I probably should have not taken her up on that second round, as it was getting late, but I was having so much fun that I wasn't quite ready to go. I made it home only 15 minutes later than I'd been aiming to, so it wasn't that bad. I gave her a tiny peck on the lips as we parted. I can already tell we are going to be at the least very good friends.
When I got in, Rider was asleep on the couch. He'd been having kind of a bad day between having computer problems and not being able to find someone to hang out with while I was out. He feels the need to occupy all of his time socially—a feeling that I will never understand!
When he woke up, we talked about my date a little bit, and he was interested to hear that Karina might have the inside scoop on some substances that he would like to acquire. I can see them becoming friends as well.
A bit more about Karina:
She is an interesting mix of science-y and creative type. She's into club music and dancing, and she goes out and does things in nature quite a bit. Right now she is kind of couch surfing between her parents' place and various friends, enjoying a period of not having to work much after being a slave to a full-time job for a long time. She has one serious partner who is internationally long-distance, and she hinted around and having local casual connections as well. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better.
On to Kristof...
I finally came up with something to say to him, so I texted him today: "How are you today?" (Brilliant, I know. )
His response indicated that things are coming to a head in his living situation. I have totally done the sharing sleeping space with an ex thing before, so I really feel for him. He wants to move out but isn't sure if he can get out of his lease, nor if doing so will put his ex in a spot where she can't afford to pay anymore and would get evicted, which he doesn't want for her.
I don't know all the details of the situation but the vague impression that he gave me before was that she hasn't been all that cool with him dating or with poly (hence their breakup), and her discomfort with that situation has not improved with the breakup.
After we texted about that for a while, things took a turn for the squee! We confessed that we really liked each other for the short amount of time we'd gotten to spend together, and we remarked on anticipating the next time. (Four more days!)
I told him that I was looking forward to that even more than I was to my trip to Grad City this weekend, and that I'd bring him something small back. There was squee all around. I love that feeling of a little thrill when someone I really like says something adorable to me. I can't wait to see him in person again and to hopefully kiss him after over a week of thinking about it.
Tonight I am going with Rider to see Perry's band play, and then we are gonna come home and try to squeeze some kinky sex in before it gets too late. I have to leave early in the morning to visit Moss in Grad City.
I'm not really sure what Moss is expecting out of the visit. I don't know if he still has that mono partner, or if he thinks we will hook up, or what. I am still firmly on the side of NOPE for that. Not that I am not attracted to him, and not that I don't still love him. I am just not going to get pulled back into his ambivalence and into the possibility of getting ditched when a different partner requests it. Just because I'm poly doesn't mean that my heart is a plaything. So that line is not getting crossed. I'd rather discuss that with him in person, though, so I am not going to bring it up until he does.
Things with Rider are going very well. We have been making plenty of time to make music and spend time together despite all of my extracurricular activities. Today we put the first money into savings for our wedding/honeymoon. And he bought tickets for us to go to an indoor music festival in a neighboring town in a couple weeks, and we went in halfsies on a motel room so we don't have to drive back late at night. Coming home to his adorably sleeping face last night was a heart-warming pleasure—those delicate golden eyelashes! Eeeee!
It's kind of cool how everything is playing out. With the move no longer a factor in eating my time, and my work travel done for a while, I've had a lot more time for self-care. I've been eating better, exercising more, drinking less, flossing regularly, sleeping enough, and remembering to take my vitamins.
This has laid a good foundation for me to have more energy for taking care of necessary things. Slowly but surely, we're taking care of the details of getting the apartment set up. We've framed most of our art and are almost ready to hang it. The closets and cupboards are mostly organized. There are only a few things left to do before "home" is complete. I've gotten most of my car stuff out of the way and am well on the way to getting my various paperworks (driver's license, taxes, voting registration) taken care of. I have a budget in place and now that the car and house stuff is mostly done, it will be easier to stick to.
And with the necessary things almost taken care of, that actually leaves me some little reserve of energy for interacting with people and improving my hobbies: music, foreign language, cooking...I even started a little herb garden!
So while I am several thousand dollars poorer after all my car debacles and re-acquiring post-move possessions, I feel richer in all the other ways: health, companionship, fun, peace of mind, and a sense of accomplishment. And as long as I stick to budget, the money will slowly replenish, since I am making more than I was before (even if the higher cost of living and actually paying taxes are taking most of the difference). Even that has started to happen already, with Mint telling me that my "net worth" has increased by $2000 since last month (after taking a dive during the move period).
The way that I'm thinking about it is that I have a lot of areas to work on in my life, but I have two big ones to focus on the most, because everything else is satisfactory. Mostly I need to work on financial and health/weight. I have the education, the social network of lovers and friends, a feeling of emotional stability derived from growth and therapy, a job that I like that is paying me more than I've made before, an apartment that I like in a city that I love, a family that I am warm with but not too close to (I'm not a super family-type person), a set of hobbies and skills that make me happy...if I can just keep on diminishing my debts and lose about 10–15 lbs., I will be in a totally satisfactory place in life.
Which is not to say that I couldn't still stand to improve after that. I could always stand to be in better shape; once the extra weight is off, I mean that in terms of strength, stamina, and flexibility. And, of course, I could always stand to be richer, which would manifest as being better groomed (lasers for body hair, vision correction, and spider veins), having a second bedroom, getting a more reliable car, and a less tatty wardrobe. But all of that stuff can be on the five-year plan.
Last night I had my first date with Karina. It was a lot of fun! I wasn't super attracted to her out of the gate, but I can tell it's going to be the sort of situation where it grows with time. We have a good number of interests in common, and she's also right around Rider's age, so I am used to the cultural references there.
I'd never been on a date with a trans person before, but only because there really haven't been many in most of the areas I've lived in. The only thing really different about it as opposed to being on a date with a cis woman was that after she started to feel comfortable with me, she was mentioning some things to do with her transition, and I wasn't sure whether I should ask questions (like is usually considered polite to do when a date is talking about a topic) or whether that would be prying. I erred on the side of not asking, figuring she'd opened up to some degree and if she wanted to tell me more, she would. But I'm not used to there being areas of discussion that I feel timid about talking about.
She has really pretty eyes and interesting hair and is smart and fun and a little nerdy—all of which are pluses in my book!
The only ugh moment of the night was when I looked at the prices on the menu at the bar she suggested. The drinks were easily twice what I was accustomed to paying in the kinds of dives I usually frequent. But they were delicious! I got the first round, and she got the second round, and we sat on the same side of the booth like lovers do, leaning close and laughing often.
I probably should have not taken her up on that second round, as it was getting late, but I was having so much fun that I wasn't quite ready to go. I made it home only 15 minutes later than I'd been aiming to, so it wasn't that bad. I gave her a tiny peck on the lips as we parted. I can already tell we are going to be at the least very good friends.
When I got in, Rider was asleep on the couch. He'd been having kind of a bad day between having computer problems and not being able to find someone to hang out with while I was out. He feels the need to occupy all of his time socially—a feeling that I will never understand!
When he woke up, we talked about my date a little bit, and he was interested to hear that Karina might have the inside scoop on some substances that he would like to acquire. I can see them becoming friends as well.
A bit more about Karina:
She is an interesting mix of science-y and creative type. She's into club music and dancing, and she goes out and does things in nature quite a bit. Right now she is kind of couch surfing between her parents' place and various friends, enjoying a period of not having to work much after being a slave to a full-time job for a long time. She has one serious partner who is internationally long-distance, and she hinted around and having local casual connections as well. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better.
On to Kristof...
I finally came up with something to say to him, so I texted him today: "How are you today?" (Brilliant, I know.
)His response indicated that things are coming to a head in his living situation. I have totally done the sharing sleeping space with an ex thing before, so I really feel for him. He wants to move out but isn't sure if he can get out of his lease, nor if doing so will put his ex in a spot where she can't afford to pay anymore and would get evicted, which he doesn't want for her.
I don't know all the details of the situation but the vague impression that he gave me before was that she hasn't been all that cool with him dating or with poly (hence their breakup), and her discomfort with that situation has not improved with the breakup.
After we texted about that for a while, things took a turn for the squee! We confessed that we really liked each other for the short amount of time we'd gotten to spend together, and we remarked on anticipating the next time. (Four more days!)
I told him that I was looking forward to that even more than I was to my trip to Grad City this weekend, and that I'd bring him something small back. There was squee all around. I love that feeling of a little thrill when someone I really like says something adorable to me. I can't wait to see him in person again and to hopefully kiss him after over a week of thinking about it.
Tonight I am going with Rider to see Perry's band play, and then we are gonna come home and try to squeeze some kinky sex in before it gets too late. I have to leave early in the morning to visit Moss in Grad City.
I'm not really sure what Moss is expecting out of the visit. I don't know if he still has that mono partner, or if he thinks we will hook up, or what. I am still firmly on the side of NOPE for that. Not that I am not attracted to him, and not that I don't still love him. I am just not going to get pulled back into his ambivalence and into the possibility of getting ditched when a different partner requests it. Just because I'm poly doesn't mean that my heart is a plaything. So that line is not getting crossed. I'd rather discuss that with him in person, though, so I am not going to bring it up until he does.
Things with Rider are going very well. We have been making plenty of time to make music and spend time together despite all of my extracurricular activities. Today we put the first money into savings for our wedding/honeymoon. And he bought tickets for us to go to an indoor music festival in a neighboring town in a couple weeks, and we went in halfsies on a motel room so we don't have to drive back late at night. Coming home to his adorably sleeping face last night was a heart-warming pleasure—those delicate golden eyelashes! Eeeee!
It's kind of cool how everything is playing out. With the move no longer a factor in eating my time, and my work travel done for a while, I've had a lot more time for self-care. I've been eating better, exercising more, drinking less, flossing regularly, sleeping enough, and remembering to take my vitamins.
This has laid a good foundation for me to have more energy for taking care of necessary things. Slowly but surely, we're taking care of the details of getting the apartment set up. We've framed most of our art and are almost ready to hang it. The closets and cupboards are mostly organized. There are only a few things left to do before "home" is complete. I've gotten most of my car stuff out of the way and am well on the way to getting my various paperworks (driver's license, taxes, voting registration) taken care of. I have a budget in place and now that the car and house stuff is mostly done, it will be easier to stick to.
And with the necessary things almost taken care of, that actually leaves me some little reserve of energy for interacting with people and improving my hobbies: music, foreign language, cooking...I even started a little herb garden!
So while I am several thousand dollars poorer after all my car debacles and re-acquiring post-move possessions, I feel richer in all the other ways: health, companionship, fun, peace of mind, and a sense of accomplishment. And as long as I stick to budget, the money will slowly replenish, since I am making more than I was before (even if the higher cost of living and actually paying taxes are taking most of the difference). Even that has started to happen already, with Mint telling me that my "net worth" has increased by $2000 since last month (after taking a dive during the move period).
The way that I'm thinking about it is that I have a lot of areas to work on in my life, but I have two big ones to focus on the most, because everything else is satisfactory. Mostly I need to work on financial and health/weight. I have the education, the social network of lovers and friends, a feeling of emotional stability derived from growth and therapy, a job that I like that is paying me more than I've made before, an apartment that I like in a city that I love, a family that I am warm with but not too close to (I'm not a super family-type person), a set of hobbies and skills that make me happy...if I can just keep on diminishing my debts and lose about 10–15 lbs., I will be in a totally satisfactory place in life.
Which is not to say that I couldn't still stand to improve after that. I could always stand to be in better shape; once the extra weight is off, I mean that in terms of strength, stamina, and flexibility. And, of course, I could always stand to be richer, which would manifest as being better groomed (lasers for body hair, vision correction, and spider veins), having a second bedroom, getting a more reliable car, and a less tatty wardrobe. But all of that stuff can be on the five-year plan.
OnceAndFuture
Member
Yeah, I think that whole "mostly monogamous" label might be a bit dated on you. Glad you are having fun!
Reverie
Active member
A lot has happened, and I get the feeling that a lot more is coming on the horizon. To pick up where I left off...
Friday night, we ended up trying to go to not one, but two musical performances. The first one was a jazz band playing in celebration of Rider's friend's great-uncle's 91st birthday. He sat in with the band for a few songs, and even at 91, he still rips on the saxophone! I can only hope to be so spry and talented at that age, if I am even alive at that point.
I have a thing about old people where I just get so misty-eyed watching them tear it up and have a good time. I start thinking about how much they have seen the world change and all the crazy memories they must have, and it moves me emotionally to the point of tears. Especially when I'm hormonal, which I was (though I didn't realize it yet).
After that ended, we rushed over to try to catch Perry's band and hang out with him and Mel, but their set was over by the time we got there. We hung out chatting with them for a while before we decided to come home and make sure to get some sex in since I had to leave in the morning. (We also had some more in the morning, but it was nice to do both.)
The next morning, I hopped in the car and drove off to see Moss. Traffic between our two cities was being uncooperative, so it ended up taking me three and a half hours instead of the regular two hours that it takes when there is no traffic.
It was good to see him! We went out for lunch, and then we dropped by an art studio where a few of his friends work as a collective (my first time meeting them), and had a couple of beers at a nearby brewery, then went to the grocery store to get dinner and margarita ingredients.
While dinner was on the grill, Moss started looking at me in a way that I knew meant he wanted to kiss me. I shut him down really fast, and when he protested, I started trying to explain myself but involuntary burst into tears.
It was the first time I'd seen him since he ended things between us, and I guess I still had some unresolved sadness around that. Plus when I told him why it was a bad idea that we get back together again—that he would just leave me again when someone else came along who wanted monogamy—he admitted that it was true. He wants my romantic love only when it is convenient for him.
He seemed legitimately confused that I was upset, and shocked that I had been upset when he'd broken up with me last spring. He confessed that he didn't know he had the capacity to hurt me, and that he thought that since I had Rider and am marrying Rider, losing him [Moss] wouldn't bother me. He admitted that was probably an oblivious and obtuse way of thinking, but that he still has a hard time wrapping his head around the whole poly thing, even though he supports the idea in theory.
He said that he can't imagine, if we were to date again, how he would explain to new women about me without them running away screaming. I told him he doesn't have to worry about that since we're not going to date again. How he dates is not my concern. I did express empathy that it seems like poly dating is often more difficult for men than for women, so I understand if the idea of it is daunting, but that doesn't excuse his seeming plan to try to date me and keep me around only until he gets interested in someone else, then dump me before he has to risk explaining things. That plan does not fly in my world, and I put my foot down hard.
As the night wore on, and he got drunker, at one point he grabbed my face and forced a kiss on me. I was horrified and he was immediately apologetic and didn't try anything else. I don't even think he realized he was being face-rapey. I honestly think he believed that if he could just make our lips touch, I'd change my mind. But my boundaries are so much stronger now than they have ever been before. I told him we could hug and cuddle, because I do those things with friends, and we could even sleep in the same bed, as long as he didn't try anything else. So we did.
He's been missing human touch. I feel bad for him. That girl that he dumped me for apparently just completely ghosted on him a week or two before they were supposed to have Thanksgiving dinner and she would meet his parents. She didn't tell him anything until after Christmas when she explained that she'd just stopped returning his calls because she went back to dating someone she'd met on their break over the summer, and she'd moved that guy into her house. Total batshittery all around.
In the morning, he apologized to me about a million times for his "drunken advances" and was sure that I was going to be pissed at him. I wasn't, though. I just felt pretty sorry for him. He has (or at least had) a pretty fucked up way of looking at our entire situation, but it wasn't out of malice. I think it was just misunderstanding and obliviousness and maybe some dashes of lying to himself. He's lonely and had his heart trampled kind of recently and fell into the trap of rewriting history to tell him a story where he still has a chance of dating me.
He wrote me a long letter after I left, trying to explain himself and apologizing some more and making it clear that he values my friendship if that's all I'm willing to give him. He said he's looking forward to hanging out with me and Rider, and that he genuinely likes Rider. I know Rider likes him too. He is supposedly going to buy tickets to the music festival we're going to in a couple weeks and so we'll all get a chance to hang out then.
When I got home from Moss's house, I was famished. Rider and I went out for noodles and then a couple drinks, and we happened to see the Oscars at the restaurant. I'd actually never watched them before, and I was surprised at how openly progressive and political these mainstream public figures were in their speeches. It was pretty impressive, though there was a firestorm in my Facebook feed today about how it is all just lip service. Maybe so, but I was surprised it even went that far.
After the Oscars were over, Rider and I sat around flipping through Every Playboy Playmate Centerfold on imgur and marveling at the different trends in what was considered sexy over the years. Honestly, I found the ones from the '50s the best, with some of the '70s being a pretty close runner up.
The changes in how much bush was visible, then how much bush was even present, and the changes in fashion, and the changes in the sizes of breasts that were represented, and an odd (to me) recurring obsession with tan lines...all of it was totally fascinating. I think that's why I liked the '50s and some of the '70s best. Whenever there was an ongoing "huge boob" preference trend or elaborately tacky (to me) fashion trend, I found it less hot.
I was slightly creeped out in the early to mid '80s because all the models reminded me of the way my friends' moms looked when I was a little kid. I'm sure it's generational and there are people for whom that is the sexiest era of fashion.
It also seems like the '80s fashion ethos stuck around well through the '90s and even '00s. I hypothesized that maybe people who were looking at the magazines in the '80s were the last generation of people who got their porn from magazines instead of the web, so the magazine was catering to their preferred aesthetic. Kind of like how a lot of rock radio stations are stuck in the '90s because people who were teenagers in the '90s are the last generation to have been accustomed to getting music from the radio instead of the web.
Rider fell asleep while we were flipping through the photos, so I roused him and we went to bed. I must have been pretty worn out from my time with Moss because, despite going to bed pretty early, I woke up still exhausted today. Part of that is also probably hormones. I started to get my week-before cramps on the drive home from Grad City, and suddenly understood why I was so weepy watching the 91-year-old play sax and while discussing things with Moss.
Rider tore it up all day on Saturday, first at his college buddy's party, and then at a party that Perry threw. I was envious that Rider could be at Perry's party with Perry, Mel, Oona, and Toby—my friends!—but at the same time I was really happy that he is integrating himself into my friends group.
I am still utterly amazed at Rider's social drive. We partied with two groups of friends Friday, then he partied with two more groups of friends Saturday, and he has plans on the books with friends for Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and possibly Sunday this week...and he is still hunting around for people to hang out with while I am on my date with Kristof tomorrow and, when I asked him about it, claimed to be currently running at a deficit of socializing! I have no idea how he does it!
Speaking of Kristof, I am very excited to see him tomorrow. I brought him back some special fresh fruit from Grad City, because I'd promised to bring him something. I know he is currently pretty broke, and our hanging out is pretty new, so food seemed like something useful enough and also low-stakes enough to be a suitable souvenir.
My social schedule is pretty nuts this week too. I had to tell Rider no about coming with him to hang out with his friends on Wednesday because I need my recharge time. I have Kristof tomorrow; jamming with our music buddy at our house on Thursday; a double date with Oona on Saturday, and a museum with Sparrow on Sunday. Unlike Rider, I have to take nights off or I start to go insane. I have tonight, Wednesday, and Friday planned as stay-home-and-take-care-of-me nights, and that is all right with me!
Friday night, we ended up trying to go to not one, but two musical performances. The first one was a jazz band playing in celebration of Rider's friend's great-uncle's 91st birthday. He sat in with the band for a few songs, and even at 91, he still rips on the saxophone! I can only hope to be so spry and talented at that age, if I am even alive at that point.
I have a thing about old people where I just get so misty-eyed watching them tear it up and have a good time. I start thinking about how much they have seen the world change and all the crazy memories they must have, and it moves me emotionally to the point of tears. Especially when I'm hormonal, which I was (though I didn't realize it yet).
After that ended, we rushed over to try to catch Perry's band and hang out with him and Mel, but their set was over by the time we got there. We hung out chatting with them for a while before we decided to come home and make sure to get some sex in since I had to leave in the morning. (We also had some more in the morning, but it was nice to do both.)
The next morning, I hopped in the car and drove off to see Moss. Traffic between our two cities was being uncooperative, so it ended up taking me three and a half hours instead of the regular two hours that it takes when there is no traffic.
It was good to see him! We went out for lunch, and then we dropped by an art studio where a few of his friends work as a collective (my first time meeting them), and had a couple of beers at a nearby brewery, then went to the grocery store to get dinner and margarita ingredients.
While dinner was on the grill, Moss started looking at me in a way that I knew meant he wanted to kiss me. I shut him down really fast, and when he protested, I started trying to explain myself but involuntary burst into tears.
It was the first time I'd seen him since he ended things between us, and I guess I still had some unresolved sadness around that. Plus when I told him why it was a bad idea that we get back together again—that he would just leave me again when someone else came along who wanted monogamy—he admitted that it was true. He wants my romantic love only when it is convenient for him.
He seemed legitimately confused that I was upset, and shocked that I had been upset when he'd broken up with me last spring. He confessed that he didn't know he had the capacity to hurt me, and that he thought that since I had Rider and am marrying Rider, losing him [Moss] wouldn't bother me. He admitted that was probably an oblivious and obtuse way of thinking, but that he still has a hard time wrapping his head around the whole poly thing, even though he supports the idea in theory.
He said that he can't imagine, if we were to date again, how he would explain to new women about me without them running away screaming. I told him he doesn't have to worry about that since we're not going to date again. How he dates is not my concern. I did express empathy that it seems like poly dating is often more difficult for men than for women, so I understand if the idea of it is daunting, but that doesn't excuse his seeming plan to try to date me and keep me around only until he gets interested in someone else, then dump me before he has to risk explaining things. That plan does not fly in my world, and I put my foot down hard.
As the night wore on, and he got drunker, at one point he grabbed my face and forced a kiss on me. I was horrified and he was immediately apologetic and didn't try anything else. I don't even think he realized he was being face-rapey. I honestly think he believed that if he could just make our lips touch, I'd change my mind. But my boundaries are so much stronger now than they have ever been before. I told him we could hug and cuddle, because I do those things with friends, and we could even sleep in the same bed, as long as he didn't try anything else. So we did.
He's been missing human touch. I feel bad for him. That girl that he dumped me for apparently just completely ghosted on him a week or two before they were supposed to have Thanksgiving dinner and she would meet his parents. She didn't tell him anything until after Christmas when she explained that she'd just stopped returning his calls because she went back to dating someone she'd met on their break over the summer, and she'd moved that guy into her house. Total batshittery all around.
In the morning, he apologized to me about a million times for his "drunken advances" and was sure that I was going to be pissed at him. I wasn't, though. I just felt pretty sorry for him. He has (or at least had) a pretty fucked up way of looking at our entire situation, but it wasn't out of malice. I think it was just misunderstanding and obliviousness and maybe some dashes of lying to himself. He's lonely and had his heart trampled kind of recently and fell into the trap of rewriting history to tell him a story where he still has a chance of dating me.
He wrote me a long letter after I left, trying to explain himself and apologizing some more and making it clear that he values my friendship if that's all I'm willing to give him. He said he's looking forward to hanging out with me and Rider, and that he genuinely likes Rider. I know Rider likes him too. He is supposedly going to buy tickets to the music festival we're going to in a couple weeks and so we'll all get a chance to hang out then.
When I got home from Moss's house, I was famished. Rider and I went out for noodles and then a couple drinks, and we happened to see the Oscars at the restaurant. I'd actually never watched them before, and I was surprised at how openly progressive and political these mainstream public figures were in their speeches. It was pretty impressive, though there was a firestorm in my Facebook feed today about how it is all just lip service. Maybe so, but I was surprised it even went that far.
After the Oscars were over, Rider and I sat around flipping through Every Playboy Playmate Centerfold on imgur and marveling at the different trends in what was considered sexy over the years. Honestly, I found the ones from the '50s the best, with some of the '70s being a pretty close runner up.
The changes in how much bush was visible, then how much bush was even present, and the changes in fashion, and the changes in the sizes of breasts that were represented, and an odd (to me) recurring obsession with tan lines...all of it was totally fascinating. I think that's why I liked the '50s and some of the '70s best. Whenever there was an ongoing "huge boob" preference trend or elaborately tacky (to me) fashion trend, I found it less hot.
I was slightly creeped out in the early to mid '80s because all the models reminded me of the way my friends' moms looked when I was a little kid. I'm sure it's generational and there are people for whom that is the sexiest era of fashion.
It also seems like the '80s fashion ethos stuck around well through the '90s and even '00s. I hypothesized that maybe people who were looking at the magazines in the '80s were the last generation of people who got their porn from magazines instead of the web, so the magazine was catering to their preferred aesthetic. Kind of like how a lot of rock radio stations are stuck in the '90s because people who were teenagers in the '90s are the last generation to have been accustomed to getting music from the radio instead of the web.
Rider fell asleep while we were flipping through the photos, so I roused him and we went to bed. I must have been pretty worn out from my time with Moss because, despite going to bed pretty early, I woke up still exhausted today. Part of that is also probably hormones. I started to get my week-before cramps on the drive home from Grad City, and suddenly understood why I was so weepy watching the 91-year-old play sax and while discussing things with Moss.
Rider tore it up all day on Saturday, first at his college buddy's party, and then at a party that Perry threw. I was envious that Rider could be at Perry's party with Perry, Mel, Oona, and Toby—my friends!—but at the same time I was really happy that he is integrating himself into my friends group.
I am still utterly amazed at Rider's social drive. We partied with two groups of friends Friday, then he partied with two more groups of friends Saturday, and he has plans on the books with friends for Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and possibly Sunday this week...and he is still hunting around for people to hang out with while I am on my date with Kristof tomorrow and, when I asked him about it, claimed to be currently running at a deficit of socializing!
I have no idea how he does it!Speaking of Kristof, I am very excited to see him tomorrow. I brought him back some special fresh fruit from Grad City, because I'd promised to bring him something. I know he is currently pretty broke, and our hanging out is pretty new, so food seemed like something useful enough and also low-stakes enough to be a suitable souvenir.
My social schedule is pretty nuts this week too. I had to tell Rider no about coming with him to hang out with his friends on Wednesday because I need my recharge time. I have Kristof tomorrow; jamming with our music buddy at our house on Thursday; a double date with Oona on Saturday, and a museum with Sparrow on Sunday. Unlike Rider, I have to take nights off or I start to go insane.
I have tonight, Wednesday, and Friday planned as stay-home-and-take-care-of-me nights, and that is all right with me!
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Hannahfluke
Member
When our sons started being interested in porn, we subscribed to Playboy for them (about 8 or so years ago). Our thoughts were that Playboy is soft core porn and if our 11 year old son (about the age both of them started looking at porn on the web) was going to look at porn, we'd rather it be Playboy than just random stuff on the web, since there's a lot of hard core porn on the Web that might not be healthy for them to see that young. We were teenagers during the 80s and since my husband's name was on the subscription, I'm sure we added to that statistic if Playboy really does keep track of things like that.
Reverie
Active member
I just realized I'd accidentally left my phone on airplane mode all day yesterday and missed three texts from Kristof trying to put some details together for our plans tonight. I feel TERRIBLE about it and I hope he still wants to hang out.
This is all because of stupid AT&T and their ridiculous data overages causing me to flip it over to airplane mode when I leave my house so that I don't inadvertently use data on my way to work. And then I forgot to flip it back when I got to work.
I actually have a new SIM card from a no-contract company on the way right now, but FedEx left a tag on my door yesterday instead of just leaving the envelope.
The idea of Kristof texting me and then thinking I was ignoring him makes me literally feel pain and regret in my bones, because I know how stressed out I was when he didn't text me back for a while.
Technology, ugh!
This is all because of stupid AT&T and their ridiculous data overages causing me to flip it over to airplane mode when I leave my house so that I don't inadvertently use data on my way to work. And then I forgot to flip it back when I got to work.
I actually have a new SIM card from a no-contract company on the way right now, but FedEx left a tag on my door yesterday instead of just leaving the envelope.
The idea of Kristof texting me and then thinking I was ignoring him makes me literally feel pain and regret in my bones, because I know how stressed out I was when he didn't text me back for a while.
Technology, ugh!
Reverie
Active member
Luckily, because Kristof is TOTALLY AWESOME, he wasn't upset by my not even peeping in response to his three texts. In fact, he actually apologized to me for "blowing up" my phone. That was really cute—three texts is nowhere near to what I consider to be blowing somebody's phone up, and it made me super happy that he likes me enough to keep texting me even when (for whatever reason) I don't reply right away.
He suggested a plan for tonight's date that sounds super fun! Time for me to go out and meet up with him! I hope to report back with news of first kisses.
He suggested a plan for tonight's date that sounds super fun! Time for me to go out and meet up with him! I hope to report back with news of first kisses.
Reverie
Active member
I don't "can't even" very often...but the political conversation I had with Kristof last night might have ruined his chances of being anything other than a friendly debate buddy. He has some ideas about the best ways to enact the "radical leftism" that he follows that I find very distasteful. I can't even. There is not much that renders me shocked and basically speechless for as long as that did.
I have not totally cut him off—I can still have friends I don't agree with on everything—but I am in conversation right now with Jake (who is another extreme leftist activist, but highly educated in history and theory and with years of activism experience) gathering points for debate.
I will either change his mind, or we will dial back to friendship (if he even wants that after I "bring it" to him). Bummer, because I still think he's really attractive. And I agree with the places that he ultimately wants the world to go, but I find his methods and reasoning highly illogical and possibly showing an inexcusable lack of ability to think things through.
I did finish the date. I did still kiss him, because I wanted to. But there is a very good chance that there will not be anything beyond that.
I have not totally cut him off—I can still have friends I don't agree with on everything—but I am in conversation right now with Jake (who is another extreme leftist activist, but highly educated in history and theory and with years of activism experience) gathering points for debate.
I will either change his mind, or we will dial back to friendship (if he even wants that after I "bring it" to him). Bummer, because I still think he's really attractive.
And I agree with the places that he ultimately wants the world to go, but I find his methods and reasoning highly illogical and possibly showing an inexcusable lack of ability to think things through.I did finish the date. I did still kiss him, because I wanted to. But there is a very good chance that there will not be anything beyond that.
Reverie
Active member
Oh! I was so rooting for your date to go swimmingly and I am surprised it did not. I am of course also a bit curious of what the extreme thing he said - me also being quite a radical leftie - that was such a big no-go.
Believe me, I was rooting for it too! That's actually the reason I'm going to make an informed attempt at changing his mind rather than just running for the hills.
Once I get everything straightened out (by which I mean finish getting schooled in theory and history by Jake, then writing Kristof a letter), I'll probably divulge most of it here. It just left me (and the other two people I've told, Rider and Jake) so absolutely flabbergasted that I didn't want to derail my own thread until I had some kind of resolution.