The biggest mistake yet

[SheBLittleButFierce]

I broke it off with my primary partner (only actually) after a year over communication. Everything I said was something he would respond to with a "think about this" response and then hang up with me and wait to call me. He, incidentally went home to other women when he would scold me. I had to stop it. But I'm so broken right now. I'm shaking and my stomach hasn't ever felt this bad before.

The fact that he would give me a task to think about, and then go to another woman has him thinking that I'm not poly. Is this true? I swear it only bothered me when I was dismissed in favor of other women. When I was hurting and rather than speak to me at all he went to other women.

I visited him over spring break and to spare his monogamous girlfriends feelings I was ignored in public outings when she was there. It was humiliating and I should be angrier. He wants me to wait four days and I said that I couldn't do that but he won't answer the phone or respond to texts.

Why do I feel like this is the biggest mistake of my life?

 

[KC43]

I'm not clear on what was the "biggest mistake of your life." Breaking up with your partner or being upset about him tossing you aside in favor of other women?

I would say if he was disrespecting you as it sounds like he was, breaking up with him was the smart thing to do. If you needed him and he was constantly brushing you off and going to other women instead, the only way, in my opinion, that would be acceptable would be if he had plans with those women *first* and you were contacting him during time he had already planned to be with one of them.

If he was telling you he didn't have time for you, or breaking plans with you, and then going to someone else, I would consider that disrespectful. One of my "don't even try it" boundaries for my relationships is that if my partner has plans with me, even if they're short notice plans like the other day when Woody called and asked if I could come over to help with his taxes, they had better not break those plans in favor of anyone else unless there's an emergency. i had a FWB a few years ago; he lived two hours away from me, so seeing him involved me rearranging my schedule and driving those two hours. (Hubby prefers I not see anyone else at our home.) Twice, my FWB contacted me last-minute to say he'd decided to go out with another woman instead.

The second time, I ended not only the benefits but the friendship, because I don't accept being treated that way. I have been told my "I give second chances, not third" policy (and my zero-tolerance policy for some things) is too harsh, but I'd rather be harsh than shit on.

So if it were me and someone I was involved with was doing what your partner was doing, I would absolutely break up with them, and I wouldn't consider it a mistake at all. I also wouldn't waste time continuing to speak with them.

 

[GalaGirl]

It does not sound like he is treating you how you want to be treated. So I do not think breaking up is a mistake. I think it is the right thing to do. Breaking up feels ugh, but eventually you heal and can move on. Hopefully find someone who does treat you how you want to be treated.

Him telling you that you are not really poly because you don't like how he behaves? That sounds like him flipping it around on you because he does not want to own his poor behavior.

Rather than get sucked into arguments and waste more energy there?

Agree. Tell him he is right, you are not really poly how he wants to do poly. So you are breaking up with him. End of convo. Then you can get out of there faster if he is still trying to lure you back in.

Good attention or bad attention... If he gets off on being the center of your attention? The best thing to do is not argue and turn the attention OFF. Do not engage in draining circular conversation.

You know your truth.... He does not treat you the way you want to be treated. When ready? You can go poly with other people who treat you better. No longer his business who you date or how.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi SheBLittle,

Based on your description (in your opening post), your (now ex-) partner was treating you badly, even condescendingly. It doesn't sound to me like he's willing to change. So, breaking up with him makes sense. I don't see the mistake in it, it was your (now ex-) partner who made the mistakes.

I am sure you are perfectly able to live a poly life, you just need your partner/s to treat you decently.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.