The cure for polphobia

Stop it with the WE stuff.

The relationship between your wife and her boyfriend is between them.

The relationship between you and him is between you two and not her.

If you all are playing together then that dynamic is between all three of you.

Stay out of your wife and her boyfriends relationship for it to be successful she needs to figure it out for herself.
 
Dagferi said:
Stop it with the WE stuff.

The relationship between your wife and her boyfriend is between them.

The relationship between you and him is between you two and not her.

If you all are playing together then that dynamic is between all three of you.

Stay out of your wife and her boyfriends relationship for it to be successful she needs to figure it out for herself.
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Could it be we're a little different from you and your charming companions?

I say we because it is WE. It happens to be, I have developed a very close companionship with him, and absolutely consider him to be my closest friend. I understand the hinge, is her, and we does not exist without her, and theirs is a closeness far beyond our friendship.

To me you sound bitter. Thanks for sharing though.
 
Well considering I have what your wife what your wife wants I would think you would consider my advice.

Bitter please. I have 2 husbands who get along as friends and without being needy and clingy.

Sweetheart I am living your wifes dream. You keep on your couple privledge lined path are going to kill her dream.
 
Dagferi said:
Well considering I have what your wife what your wife wants I would think you would consider my advice.

Bitter please. I have 2 husbands who get along as friends and without being needy and clingy.

Sweetheart I am living your wifes dream. You keep on your couple privledge lined path are going to kill her dream.
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I did consider your advice, thus my thanks. To say you're familiar with my wife dreams are inaccurate. Even though you have have more knowledge and experience, you are sounding pompous. Good for you....it sounds like you got it made, I feel privileged to have received your sage advice.
 
I always like to recommend that all three people get equal privilege. But maybe they have to know each other well enough first?

Your dream seems simple enough. You have a nice V (emotional triad some might say), and you'd like to keep it that way. I don't see any problems at the moment, but keep us posted (such as on any communication breakthroughs with K).

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I think the concern here OP is your frequent use of 'we' not to mean all three of you but you and wife + him. This is noticeable in sentences such as:

His actions make us think he is dedicated to our relationship
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This appears to myself (and perhaps Dagferi but I am sure she will correct me if I am waaay off base) that you are placing yourself and your wife as a unit with your wife's boyfriend as 'other' . Since you are so emotionally involved and call it it can come across as couple privilege. This does have a tendency to ruin some otherwise happy relationships so it behoves you to pay attention to the terminology and make sure you do not fall into that trap. :)
 
Quick recap: The way we use words can sneak up on us.
 
Yes the op's use of we comes across to me as the wife's boyfriend is goingto have to "date" BOTH the op and his wife. He is not going to be able to date his girlfriend solo without the op getting involved. He has to hang out with and keep her husband happy or there will be issues.

The op seems to be to be too invested in his wife's relationship. She needs to learn to not drag her concerns to her husband on everything in the relationship with her boyfriend because her husband will jump to help or defense. Who wouldn't if you truly love someone. But that isn't healthy for her relationship with her boyfriend.
 
Couple privilege? I think I am guilty. Old habits don't go away overnight. maybe one reason I showed up, admittedly new and seeking advice.

I read a few of Dagferi's posts, and I noticed the primary and secondary was not something she believes in, but at this stage for us, I am primary. But all my views regarding poly have radically changed in the last 4 months though. I am simply learning as I go.

With regards to their interaction, I feel like I am pretty easy going. They are free to go out together as our schedules allow. We are trying to learn to balance the relationship with our family obligations.I try to pick her up and do all I can to facilitate their alone time. I have assumed loads more around the house parenting and keeping house so they can spend time together. The majority of the time they are together, away from work, I am not around.

Other times things line in a way in which we can go out on three way date, or just do dinner and movie at his place are really enjoyable. for all involved. I am trying to give lots of space and freedom to both of them.
 
No I am not a fan of the primary /secondary relationship model. I am not a fan of putting the wants of one individual over another. The only way that model seems to work is if the other partner also has a person they see as primary.

How open are you and your wife going to be about her boyfriend.

Can they go out in public and show pdas?

If family is in town is he going to be put on the back burner?

How are the holidays going to be handled?

Vacations?

How about your children, is he going to be around them and included in their lives?

What does you wife want out of this and where would she like it to go?

How about him?

Now how will you handle things if they want to take things to another level? Are you going to be ok with not being number one but sharing that place in her life?
 
Dagferi said:
No I am not a fan of the primary /secondary relationship model. I am not a fan of putting the wants of one individual over another. The only way that model seems to work is if the other partner also has a person they see as primary.

How open are you and your wife going to be about her boyfriend.

We have neither advertised or denied the relationship. We took a big step in attending a music fest this summer we knew lots of our friends would be there. My avatar is from the weekend, my epiphany weekend. Our friends who were paying attention know, and so far so good.Maybe in way we did advertise it in doing so.

Can they go out in public and show pdas?

Yes, I endorse completely.

If family is in town is he going to be put on the back burner?

Her family YES. They would not be accepting or understanding. It would cause issues a plenty.
 I have none to speak of.

Holidays?

We invited him for Thanksgiving, he replied he celebrates No Holiday. He is still invited to be a part of our day.

Vacations?

Had one with him and kids in Sept.
How about your children, is he going to be around them and included in their lives?

Easing in, I would say. They like him.
What does you wife want out of this and where would she like it to go?

Uncertain. She feels very happy with him in her life.

How about him?

Uncertain. He feels happy to have her in his life.

Now how will you handle things if they want to take things to another level? Are you going to be ok with not being number one but sharing that place in her life?
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I don't know yet.

Sorry I am new to forums of this nature, I am figuring the quote boxes.
 
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As a footnote, the first time he took us to meet his friends, it would have appeared that they were the married couple. I kind of chatted with the new people, and they were openly and blatantly PDA'ing most of the night. It was in March, things were still very new, but a great evening was had by all. Our kids were out of town, we brought him back to our place, it was our second sleepover.:):):):)
 
May I ask why you worded it as our sleepover.

Are you looking for a relationship with him too?

Or are you a cuckold dynamic?

Just trying to get an idea of your dynamic. Not trying to judge.
 
Dagferi said:
May I ask why you worded it as our sleepover.

Are you looking for a relationship with him too?

Or are you a cuckold dynamic?

Just trying to get an idea of your dynamic. Not trying to judge.
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We shared a bed, and all night sex.

Yes, on some level. The nature of our relationship is just really confusing to me. I feel a great deal of affection towards him. I am bisexual in sexual terms only though. Honestly, it stuck out to me as you had capped HER in your OP. You are correct, and I had have that post rolling around in my head since.


I am not a cuckold, the idea has occurred to me, we've talked about it, and I can't see it happening.
 
YOU need to speak with him without your wife and see what kind of relationship he would like with you.

You seem like you are falling for him too. But you have said he is heterosexual. It would really suck to keep on this path and have him put the breaks on things because he was playing by your rules just to sleep with your wife or fulfill a fantasy.

To me it seems like you want a triad. Which can be a viable option. But they only tend to work when a relationship is established between one part of the original couple and the third first then after that relationship is on solid ground the other partner gets involved organically in it's own time. Couple dating rarely works as the third has many expectation placed upon then and the freak out and bolt or falls for one half the original couple.
 
Possible outcome: you could end up with a closely-knit V, possibly with and additional FWB or two of your own on the side? Just thinking out loud and not intending to interrupt or anything.
 
Please feel free to contribute anything you're thinking.

In the meantime, I was taking some to think about what Dagferi said.....

I am feeling a little off balance regarding my feelings for him. It is pretty much unlike anything I've ever felt.

I am hesitant to try to begin a conversation with him, he is sparing in the way he shares with Dahlia, and he hasn't done much to indicate he's too interested in conversing with me. I have let him know I'm pretty OK with sharing my thoughts and feelings, and I am just letting him share his at a pace he's comfortable with.

If a triad is to develop it will happen in similar fashion to the way their relationship has, which my wife has also described as organically.
 
Nothing wrong with putting your feelings our there.

I may be direct to the point, sometimes to much so, but I don't want to see you get hurt. You seem like a kind caring person.
 
I do appreciate your forthright nature, you made good points, and gave me plenty to think about.

I am way too sensitive, and mostly react like the "feeler" I am.

Thank you.

...really...:)
 
I feel that the future is hard to predict; even moreso when you're getting your own feelings sorted out. Add to that K's difficulty in expressing himself, and it will probably be awhile before the three of you will know what your dynamic will ultimately look like.

I guess the main things are to establish that you're committed to staying together, and that you'll all try to treat each other fairly and meet each other's needs. From there, I think you kind of work on the details one day at a time.

That's how my hopes for you guys look anyways. :)
 
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