The "dark side" of my "poly" marriage

[Titaness]

Hey everyone,

So I'm new to the forum, and relatively new to polyamory. I'm bisexual, so I turned my husband into the idea of having another girlfriend. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for 5. We've had one other girlfriend together (we enjoy the triad type of poly) and although it didn't last very long it was amazing. Skip forward about a year and a half. About three months ago my husband decided that he wanted out of our marriage. We have been arguing and not meeting each other's needs for about a year or so. I've been accepted into an accelerated nursing program, and he is busy with work/travel/and being an army reservist. We're busy, and life is stressful, and it took a toll on our marriage. About two months after he wanted out, he told me he didn't love me anymore and he had begun to see a work client of his.

Fast forward to about a week ago (after lots of crying, drama, and soul searching) my husband and I are back together. He claims that he wants to be with me forever, and that he loves me. Unfortunately because of how he met this woman, I want him to leave. She doesn't even "fit" into a triad poly relationship that we had both previously agreed that we wanted, and I could accept.

He has many reasons why he wants to keep this woman around. Particularly because she is a very influential work client of his, and our current financial situation isn't ideal, and his girlfriend can afford to take him on all expense paid trips and go shopping. (Which anyone would love).

So here's the dark side. When you love someone so much and they break/bend/defy "rules" that have been established and lines that shouldn't have been crossed, polyamory gets messy and hurtful. He believes that this situation is ok because he now wants to keep our relationship primary, and will end it with his girlfriend when he is done "using" her for work/money/sex/whatever he wants. But I'm supposed to be here waiting for him. And while this could be considered an appropriate triad in some relationships, it's not what I want, so where does that leave me?

Polyamory can be amazing and wonderful, but it is difficult and a constant work in progress.

Thanks for reading, especially because I just wrote an advice/vent post without that particular intention haha

 

[Dagferi]

Why can't he have a relationship separate from you?

Get your own girlfriend or boyfriend if you want one.

 

[IndieSolo]

Twice you said in your post that you don't want what he wants/to be married to him anymore. So, what kind of advice is needed? He can back-peddle and be wishy-washy all he wants. You don't want it, so end it.

The problems in your marriage have nothing to do with polyamory. There is no "dark side" to poly. There is only people treating each other either respectfully or like shit. Your husband wants to use this woman for what he wants and then use you to go back to, and you're still sticking around to be with someone like that? Where is your common sense... and backbone? Traveling and being busy with your lives are what you said took their toll on your marriage, and now he's just being a selfish ass, so don't blame polyamory.

 

[Bluebird]

I am also questioning what kind of advice you need. It sounds like you guys were not broken apart because of a dark side to polyamory, but because he was cheating, and were already calling it splits. Poly is ethical and open. it sounds like if he had to inform you that he was sleeping with someone for two months, that isn't polyamory.

If you don't want to sanction this cheating relationship, then don't.

 

[vinsanity0]

And nobody is mentioning that he is just using the other woman (in theory), which shouldn't be considered acceptable.

Personally, I don't agree with limiting oneself to something like a triad, but do what is right for you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Titaness,

Sorry to hear about the tight spot you have gotten in. It doesn't sound like your husband is acting very ethical. Do you still want to be with him? How can I help?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[BlueGray]

The problems in your marriage have nothing to do with polyamory. There is no "dark side" to poly. There is only people treating each other either respectfully or like shit.

That times 1,000