The First Broken Heart

S

StrangerinKS

New member
Well, that was fast.

Three months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful woman, Jolene. Both my wife, Jen, and Jolene's husband Jack approved of our relationship. The first month was total bliss, a lot of sex-related NRE, no doubt, but also just amazing intellectual chemistry. Jolene helped me through some difficult emotional problems, and I helped her through some of hers.

Then it fell apart. I went on a business trip. While I was gone, she had an encounter with another man (Jed). That was fine. It wasn't against our rules or anything like that. I did have some jealousy over it, but I got through it in a few days.

But then things went downhill from there. Jed lives 10 minutes from her house, while I am 40 miles away. Due to my work schedule, I could only see her once a week or so. She began seeing Jed two, then three, then four, then five times a week. The thing that hurt the most was that she just presented this as fait accompli, not giving me time to adjust. She continued to say through all of this that I was her primary lover (other than Jack, of course) and that Jed was just someone she was having fun with. However, she was spending so much time with him that the things we used to do, texting, emails, chatting and phone calls, tapered off dramatically.

I coped as best as I could, did my best to accept the situation. Finally, three weeks ago, during our weekly get-together, I asked Jolene if I was really still her primary lover, or if Jed was now. She admitted that Jed was now her main interest, both romantically and sexually, but that she still loved me. I told her that it was really hard to go from being the primary lover to the secondary lover without seeming to have any input in the matter, and that I needed time to think about it.

She then told me that the "main" reason she had chosen Jed was that it was "easier" to be with him, because she knew she was hurting me by being with him, since he isn't as sensitive as I am. Essentially, when I demonstrated pain over the situation, it just made her want to be with the him more, which, of course, just made my pain worse. Irony: she said the reason she fell in love with me in the first place was because I was so honest and open emotionally. Apparently this was the same reason she ended up picking the other guy.

It was a no-win situation. I felt like she was giving me an ultimatum: "Stop feeling bad about this or I will leave you completely." It felt like blackmail, and I wouldn't stand for that, so I finally took the initiative and broke up with her.

Jen says I deserve someone much better than Jolene turned out to be. I know that is true, yet my heart still bleeds with pain, and I can't get her out of my head.

We've had a few scattered electronic contacts in the last two weeks. She says she misses me tremendously and still loves me, but does not want to cause me further pain. Despite all that happened, I still feel love for her, too, but it co-exists with a huge amount of pain. I was hoping that taking the initiative and breaking up with her myself would help me heal from what felt like a betrayal, but it just made it worse.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to cope? I still love her and want to be friends with her, but the dichotomy between the love and the pain is ripping me apart.
 
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It sounds like you were in love with Jolene, and emotionally invested in her, but she was in it for the sex. It doesn't sound like she wants an emotional connection with her partners, just someone to play with.
 
Yes, I am in love with her and still heavily invested emotionally.

Jolene said she was in love with me, too, and even that she still is. But she also says that she is in love with Jed, and she didn't understand why I made it so complicated. I tried to explain that I was having a hard time because the rules kept changing so quickly, without my input and without giving me time to adjust. Even that I would have gotten used to in time, I think, but the part I could not take was when she said that it was my pain and confusion over the situation that was pushing her to be with Jed. I felt like she was trying to put the burden of responsibility for her own choices onto me.

I just don't know how to get over this. The wound is very deep.
 
I agree that it seems you did make things more complicated than they needed to be. In your first post, you said that Jolene seeing someone else wasn't against your rules, and yet you are upset that the rules "kept changing." You were able to see her once a week, but you couldn't enjoy being with her because you were focused on her relationship with Jed, instead of what you two had together.

Why should it matter whether she labels you her primary, secondary, tertiary, or her little nincompoop, for that matter, as long as you are having a good time and enjoying each other's company?

I have to say, it seems that you let yourself become a bit clingy and possessive. It sounds like you got caught up in a whirlwind and did not want to come back down to earth. And now you're having a tantrum. If I were Jolene, I would have felt as if there were nothing I could do that would satisfy you, or help assuage your insecurities. You would've pushed me away, too! In my opinion, it looks like your broken heart involves an awful lot of wounded pride.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's my take on it. I offer my opinion in the hope that it can be helpful to you in some way. I think the best way you can deal with this is to look at your part, and what you were responsible for in how it all played out.
 
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Thanks. That's fine. I don't disagree with anything you've said here. Obviously, my insecurities had a great deal to do with it. Yes, I am working on myself.
 
Distance and time. You were farther away and had less time. I doubt she'll keep up the pace she has been with him. Can't imagine five times a week will sit well with Jolene's husband for long. It may be that she'll reach for you when the pendulum starts swinging back. You may not want it, but umm, don't be surprised.
 
It sounds to me like Jolene might be a bit of an NRE junkie. The NRE died down with you, and your absence for work didn't help that, and so she found another to have that energy with.

There is nothing wrong with NRE if there is some control over it and all the foundations of poly are at play. For me, the foundations are respect, integrity, and empathy, along with honest and open communication. It sounds like Jolene was a bit short of empathy, and not entirely respectful as a result. It doesn't sound like your feelings weren't considered by her, and that you were made to suck it up while she just went ahead and did whatever she wanted. I don't know, as I don't have her story, but that is what it is sounding like from your perspective when she said was more drawn to Jed because of your hurt and pain.

I don't see why you needed to break up, though. I guess if it was all too much, then yeah. But there might have been room to negotiate your boundaries a bit more. A long conversation with her and Jed might have achieved some more appropriate boundaries for all of you.

There is no reason you had to give up your once a week date, and be in her life, with fewer texts, etc. You could have requested that when you see her for the weekly date, that there only be an hour of conversation about Jed, and the rest be free to talk about other stuff. You could have requested that in order for you to to feel she loves you, that she text you once a day.

That's the thing with polyamory-- you can work out whatever dynamic you want. To me, it sounds like you were on the verge of that, and then threw the baby out with the bathwater, and gave up because it was too hard and you wanted it over. Well, it doesn't sound over, because you are still hurting, and so is she.
 
redpepper said:
I don't see why you needed to break up. There is no reason you had to give up your once a week and be in her life, with fewer texts, etc. You could have requested that when you see her for a weekly date. It sounds like you were on the verge of that, and then threw the baby out with the bathwater,
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I agree with RP on this. I was actually going to add something about that to my post, but didn't, for some reason. I think you two could still work it out and continue with the relationship, but you have to deal with your insecurities and know what the parameters are, plus focus on what you have with her, not what she has with this new guy, or anyone else.
 
After thinking about it for the last few days, I have to agree with both of you. The breakup was premature on my part. This could have been fixed, or at least I needed to give it more time. This was the first polyamorous experience for either one of us, and the mistakes are clear.

I miss her terribly, and from her brief messages it appears she feels the same way. She says she still needs time to think, but she also said she doesn't want to cause me further pain. I just don't know if this can be rebuilt. I really don't know what to do. I am working on my insecurities, which is all I can do now. But I can't get her out of my head. I still feel totally in love with her. I miss her so damn much.
 
If I could do anything right now, it would be to have her back, with me working on my insecurities and both of us doing a better job of communicating.

Alas, I don't know if she is willing to try, or if Jen would approve if I wanted to try.

I just feel like an idiot for reacting out of fear and not giving this more time to play out.
 
I have told Jen this. She disagrees, and thinks the breakup was right, although she has also said that she wouldn't veto anything if I really wanted it. However, I would have a hard time going through with it if I felt she didn't really approve. I have not told Jolene this. I have been trying to give her space.
 
StrangerinKS said:
Jen thinks the breakup was right, although she has also said that she won't veto anything if I really want it. I would have a hard time going through with it if I felt she didn't really approve. I have not told Jolene this. I have been trying to give her space.
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Jen is probably just reacting to seeing you hurting. Of course she cares about you, but she might be jumping a little too hard on the break-up bandwagon. I don't know. If there is something there with Jolene, and you are both still missing each other, it seems to me you could still work it out. If Jen saw that, I think she would be supportive, unless she disapproves of Jolene herself, or really doesn't want you to have another relationship.

But don't just wonder about whether or not it could work with Jolene again. Express to her that you want it to work, and will strive for it to work. Why not ask her to give you another chance?
 
Jen is very angry because she didn't think Jolene was sensitive enough to my feelings and made too many unilateral changes. She has no problem sharing me. In fact, she enthusiastically supported the relationship for a long time. Even now, she knows how much it meant to me and how much I miss Jolene. Jen tends to be very protective of me. She usually gets angrier about me getting hurt than I do.

My heart wants to see Jolene immediately and ask for another shot at making this work, but it may be too soon to ask Jen for permission to do this. It may be too soon to broach the subject with Jolene, as well.
 
StrangerinKS said:
My wife is very angry because she didn't think the other woman was sensitive enough to my feelings and made too many unilateral changes. She has no problem sharing me... she knows how much it meant to me and how much I miss my lover. My wife tends to be very protective of me... she gets angrier about me getting hurt than I do.
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I like Jen. Do not mess with Mama Bear or her tribe. You might lose vital parts.
 
Jen is an amazing woman. She is the center of my life, the mother of my children, my soulmate and best friend.

When I met Jolene, Jen saw how happy it made me and was secure enough to encourage the relationship strongly. When problems arose, she was patient and supportive at first, and helped me deal with the insecurities. But the last couple of weeks, she got angry about what she felt was insensitive behavior and carelessness with my feelings on Jolene's part. When Jolene told me I was no longer her primary interest, because of the fact that I was having insecurity issues, that was kind of the final straw for Jen.

Jen is still helping me through this, but she's angry at Jolene, and also a bit at me, since I am having second thoughts about the wisdom of the breakup. She says she can support us trying to rebuild a friendship, although I can tell that bothers her, too. She doesn't think I should go "crawling back," and ask for more than just friends, though.

The thing is, it doesn't feel to me that like I would be "crawling back." It feels more like wanting to heal and rebuild something even better than what we had. But perhaps I am just deluding myself.
 
You need to ask permission? Does Jen have veto power? I can't see how this would be healthy. Is this not your life and your decision? Why should others, girlfriend, wife, whoever, have a say in that?

Polyamory causes pain. That's just part of it. It is the difference between making poly a lifestyle choice or not. Some see the worth of the pain, as there is gain as an end result most of the time, and some don't. Whether we are naturally polyamorous or not is irrelevant to me. It's how much you are willing to face your shit that makes polyamory workable. If you aren't, and if everyone is worried about you being in pain, and you do as they say, then perhaps polyamory is not for you. That is for you to decide, not Jen, not Jolene, and not any of us. It's your life and your choice.
 
Jen says she would not veto anything. But her opinion matters to me. Maybe it shouldn't, from your POV, but it does to mine. It is another factor that I have to consider, whether such a decision would stress my marriage or not.
 
StrangerinKS said:
Jen says she would not veto anything. But her opinion matters to me. Maybe it shouldn't from your POV, but it does to mine. It is another factor that I have to consider, whether such a decision would stress my marriage or not.
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I didn't say it didn't matter. I said that it's ultimately your choice.
 
StrangerinKS said:
The thing is, I don't feel like I would be "crawling back." It feels more like wanting to heal and rebuild something even better than what we had. But perhaps I am just deluding myself.
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It doesn't sound to me like you're deluding yourself. It sounds more like you see possibility with Jolene still, and you realize you broke it off hastily, but are now trying to be very, very, verrry careful. It seems quite plausible that there's still the chance of rebuilding the relationship with her, as lovers, and it turning out to be really great, even if Jen doesn't approve. At first.

I don't know how beneficial it is to tiptoe around her about it. It's like you're walking on eggshells. If you told Jen that in your heart you think it feels right and you can work it out, how can she deny you? Plus, I think it's more detrimental to the relationship with Jolene to wait too long to ask if you could try again. But that could be just me. I like answers right away, so I can move forward.
When Jolene told me I was no longer her primary interest because of the fact that I was having insecurity issues, that was kind of the final straw for Jen.
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Why would Jen be mad at her for that? I still don't see how Jolene created any problems. The problems you had, from what you've written here, appear to have risen out of your insecurities and possessiveness. Personally, I don't see how you could have been a primary for your lover (since that label is so important to you), given the distance, time available, and that she is married, too.
 
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