The green eyed monster

[bluerosesd]

Me and my husband of 21 years have swung and open to the possibility of a relationship (Triad preferred). He has met some one and she has expressed love for him even though she didn't really know him and never talked to him. She had never heard of polyamory before and the norm here in Ky is monogamy. In the begining she expressed being in a monogamous relationship with him. We have talked to her and she is ok with the poly relationship since then. He isn't sure if he can return her affection because he don't know her but really wants us to be a triad with him being the hinge.
That being said I am having trouble dealing with the green eyes monster,.... jealousy. I have never had to share my husbands love before. Part of me is happy he could have a loving relationship with her and the other half ( and depression ) is telling me I have nothing to offer to keep him with me. With the things said in the begining by her has made it hard to trust.
Please dont put me down or make me feel like my feelings are wrong. I beat myself up enough over it. I am asking for help from this board so hopefully he can explore a loving relationship with her.

 

[KC43]

I can understand why her expressing a desire for monogamy with your husband would make it difficult for you to trust that she won't cause or try to cause problems in your marriage. What it boils down to, however, is that you need to trust your *husband* not to let his other partner interfere with his relationship with you. Yes, it would be good if you could trust her as well, but she can't make him do anything he isn't already willing to do. So do you trust *him*?

Your terminology is a little confusing. If he is the "hinge," then you wouldn't be a triad, you would be a V. In a triad, all three people are sexually/romantically involved with each other. That would mean that his girlfriend would also be your girlfriend. In a V, one person is involved with both of the other people, but the other people are not involved with each other. Which model are you, your husband, and his other partner working toward?

If you are attempting an actual triad, be aware that that is probably the most difficult poly model to make work. It is very rare for one person to be attracted to both members of a couple and to be able to love and interact with both members of a couple equally. It's also, in my opinion, unfair to expect that of someone. That isn't to say it never happens and can't work; just that it's uncommon for it to work, and it isn't fair to *expect* someone to be equally attracted to two other people. When it does work, it's usually a triad that was formed organically (e.g. a husband starts dating a woman, introduces her to his wife, and she and the wife end up falling for each other, or the woman is already friends with both members of the couple and the three of them agree to take that friendship to the next level).

 

[kdt26417]

Hi bluerosesd,

Try one or more of these books ...

• "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
• "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
• "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss.

And one or more of these links.

• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Jealousy and the Poly Family
• Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

You are not doing anything wrong. You feel what you feel. Jealousy can in fact be nature's way of letting you know that you aren't being treated right. Consider that as one possibility.

I hope that something in this post will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[lunabunny]

Me and my husband of 21 years have swung and open to the possibility of a relationship (Triad preferred). He has met some one and she has expressed love for him even though she didn't really know him and never talked to him.

He isn't sure if he can return her affection because he don't know her but really wants us to be a triad with him being the hinge.

Um... forgive me if I'm missing something crucial here, but how in the world can this woman express "love" for a person - your husband - when she doesn't, or didn't, actually KNOW him, and hadn't even talked to him??

And along the same lines... of course your husband isn't sure he can return her feelings since he doesn't know her either - or didn't, at the time this triad was suggested.

Frankly, I am baffled by this scenario. Triads are hard work, even when all parties DO know each other intimately and love each other. You've probably heard this before, but polyamory is NOT akin to swinging. You can't just "decide" you're up for a relationship with a person you don't know or love -let alone a triad. That is highly unlikely to work because it's just not realistic.

If a "V" with your husband as hinge is HIS preferred relationship shape... then that is what it is. But as his wife, YOU also have to be on board. (A triad differs from a "V" which I think is what you're describing, and what he's really after. Two lovers of his own. Where do YOU fit into that?)

That being said I am having trouble dealing with the green eyes monster,.... jealousy. I have never had to share my husbands love before. Part of me is happy he could have a loving relationship with her and the other half ( and depression ) is telling me I have nothing to offer to keep him with me.

With the things said in the begining by her has made it hard to trust.

I can't say I blame you. This woman sounds like she wants your husband for herself, for whatever reason. Though the concept of a "hinged" poly relationship has been explained to her NOW and she says she is fine with that, doesn't mean that when it comes to the crunch and you move her in with you (or however you plan to live this V) a level of distrust and tension won't remain because of this.

You've swung before, so obviously you're okay with your husband sharing sex with another. But here you say you're jealous because you've never had to share your husband's "love" with someone else before (a problem common to those transitioning from swinging/general non-mono to poly, I imagine). This confuses me a bit, because earlier in your OP you said your husband barely knows this woman and isn't sure he even CAN return her feelings... so how would you be sharing his love, if he doesn't love her?

Personally, I think you're all moving way too fast. There isn't yet the requisite feelings between husband and potential partner... and you are already jealous and mistrustful of her motives. You all need to TALK, read, research... and talk some more. Do the work BEFORE setting things in motion that won't be so easy to undo.