The importance of sex

[inlovewith2]

I can certainly relate to that feeling/belief!! At the same time....healing is healing. The good news is that she has healed enough to be able to engage in healthier relationships, including those of a sexual nature. The "bad" news (in terms of the feelings you're struggling with) is that she has healed enough to be able to engage in healthier relationships, including those of a sexual nature, with more than one person.

You sum it up well, dragonflysky. But here's the rub, it is healing for me to be in these other relationships, so in that sense, it is not bad news at all, not even for DW.

(It would be kind of like "Damn, I finally get something I've been wanting all these years....and now you're telling me I have to share it?!)

I completely understand this and it's all so hard to quantify. I personally think that DW will get it back 10-fold, but of course I can't guarantee that.

I want to encourage you to be patient and gentle with yourself. You've had a lot to take on that you had no way of knowing about ahead of time and gradually preparing for.

Very true!

 

[inlovewith2]

I can see how it would hurt him. It would have seemed to him that as much as he wanted to help you, he couldn't, you wanted/needed someone else to do it. He could have felt unimportant, rejected or not good enough.

<sigh> I can totally see how it could feel that way. FTR, he did help me, in so many ways!!!! I'm as strong as I am now largely because of how he's supported me. For 18 years, but most recently through the darkest days I hope to ever see. I didn't need anyone else to do it, I had to do it, and my boyfriend, as awful as this sounds, was a conduit. Obviously, he means so much more to me than that, but I know that on some (mostly subconscious) level, I was testing out the idea that someone else actually could find me attractive, that I could be a healthy sexual being, etc. And that felt so good.

I completely understand how that is NOT the case though.
The way I see it, you needed to do it for yourself. However, your husband is someone you already trust completely, and therefore, to know you were healed, it made more sense to figure out if you were able to trust someone else with your sexuality.

YES!!!!!

Because of who he is, because he has been there the whole time, trusting him might just mean you trust HIM, and nobody else.
Being able to be intimate with a new person, however, would be more depending on YOU than on HIM. It would show that YOU were now able to do it. Not just with DW, but in general.

YES!!!!

In that prospect it made sense that you needed to get out of the "safe zone" and put yourself on the line outside to see if you could handle it. Since he was/is your safe zone, that meant getting away from him. Which would be hard for him, I'm sure.

Well, not so much "getting away from him", but yes, testing my own ability to be in a healthy romantic relationship outside of him. That he's not just an outlier, an exception. This is *so* important for me.

Did I understand where you were coming from, or am I completely missing it?

You were on target in an uncanny way!!! Thank you!!!!

 

[inlovewith2]

T

his makes a lot of sense to me. It is yours, and you surely deserve to enjoy it (finally).

We both do!!! And thank you for recognizing this.

That said, it must be incredibly painful for DW to have to share, just when you're starting to feel good about it.

Yes, I can only imagine how much so.

Are you having trouble enjoying it as much with DW as others? Nothing you specifically said has made me think this, just a feeling. Please let me know if I'm way off base.

Now? No!!!! But because of the way I coped when sex was difficult for me (most of the time), I did not enjoy often. Now, I *always* enjoy it. I think he fully recognizes this benefit. Where he gets stuck, and I"ll let him correct me, is that he somehow thinks he was inadequate to allow me to enjoy it.

From a logical standpoint, this makes sense. But as I've told him repeatedly, and will gladly say again, sex was going to become frightening for me at some point (the point at which I trusted the person enough to let on that I was afraid) no matter *whom* I was with.

And I don't discount the possibility that old habits could return in new relationships either. I just know now that martyrdom doesn't do anyone any good. I *must* communicate it immediately. No question. I've been a slow learner on that one. And honestly, part of what is so appealing (there are many parts of course) about poly, is that I'm not as worried about losing those relationships. If I have trouble, and the partner indicates that he (or she) can't handle it, then I know they aren't a good fit for me. I have got to be honest and authentic.

I'm not busy worrying about all that's at stake--marriage, family, etc. I have those "things" (and think they are great).

But if I'm not, this must be another really painful blow for DW to absorb.

Absolutely. Honestly, *I* think this is the heart of it.

I am so impressed with you guys, the way you've been working through all this!

Thanks so much!!!

 

[anotherbo]

This is a few days late, but your post about Tonberry's insights into your situation really helped me understand. It makes so much sense now, you couldn't be sure you really owned your own sexuality, really felt whole, if you never left the safe zone of your relationship with DW.

I suppose it might take some time to really absorb that confidence, til you can feel it (The Matrix quote-alert) "balls to bones".

Anyhow, its such an amazing journey you two are going through, thanks for sharing.


Anotherbo