The L Word :) in Newish Poly Relationships

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XJskyboy

Member
So I’m back with a new one. I (Liam) spent the night Friday with my boyfriend (Ethan) who I’ve been seeing for a couple months. While doing so, my husband (Adam) was spending the night at our place with his boyfriend (Dave). Worked out nicely.

Ethan and I had a low key night, had a bottle of wine and grilled some steaks. After that, we were being intimate in bed and before he finished, he leaned up to my ear and whispered, “I love you.” I was totally not expecting that and my immediate knee-jerk reaction was to say “I love you too.” Guilt immediately swept over my mind and body, as Adam was until then, the only person outside my biological family I had ever said that too. I do have serious feelings for Ethan and I wouldn’t say “I love you” was an incorrect statement. But I’m just not sure this early I was quite ready for that exchange.

Now I’m struggling with guilt and the conundrum over whether to tell Adam about the exchange or if it’s something that’s really just between Ethan and I on our private evening. On one hand, I know Adam won’t like it, but on the other, I don’t like keeping secrets (if that’s what this is). I just wonder if there’s any value to anyone involved in bringing it up.

I know poly is all about love. But I just don’t want either of them being hurt. Maybe I’m overthinking it…
 
Here's one internet stranger's opinion. It is somewhat merciless. 🖤

I'm assuming you, Adam, and Ethan have all enthusiastically consented to be in polyamorous relationships. That is, relationships where you can date, have sex, and fall in love with other people.

Yes? Ok. If that is so, all three of you should spend some time being introspective about the following statement:

At some point, my partner, whom I love and who loves me, is going to also fall in love with other people, who are not me.

Will this occur with 100% certainty? Who knows. But it is a highly likely outcome of having polyamorous relationships.

If the fact of your partner falling in love with someone else is so absolutely devastating as to be unacceptable to you... then I'm just gonna come out and say it: you should not have polyamorous relationships.

That statement is not just aimed at you. It also applies to Adam and Ethan (and Dave, of course, though he has only a brief cameo in your post).

So, here's what I see at play:

It is often unexpected and a little awkward the first time one person says to another, "I love you." This is anecdotal evidence, but I bet it checks out: probably 80–90% of the times I or a partner of mine said "I love you" to the other person for the first time? It was in the afterglow of sex. That's just how brain chemistry works.

"I love you" is merely a very simple sentence in the English language, an arrangement of words that lacks nuance, but rather powerfully communicates a feeling. The feeling has no real rational basis or strict definition; I am unable to point a loveometer at Ethan's brain when he says "I love you" and assert that, yes, he is actually experiencing love at 99.975% magnitude, and then point it at your brain when you reply and say, "nope, only 15% love".

It doesn't work like that. Of course! And the phrase "I love you" exists at the uncomfortable nexus of "trying to describe a powerful, if nebulous, feeling" and "toppling over underneath the weight of social expectations"... I'm surprised anyone ever says those words without needing a stiff drink after.

What I'm trying to say is, it is very natural for you to feel weird and anxious right now.

It is also very natural for you, Adam, and/or Ethan to have strong emotional reactions to you and Ethan having exchanged "I love you"s—and those reactions may be negative.

But let's go back to the little thought experiment I recommended above: this was probably going to happen eventually. Now it has happened.

Adam, Ethan, and Liam are all adults who have opted in to relationships in which their partners can fall in love with other people. And so,

Liam's feelings about this are Liam's responsibility.

Ethan's feelings about this are Ethan's responsibility.

Adam's feelings about this are Adam's responsibility.

And this...

But I just don’t want either of them being hurt.
Click to expand...

Is completely understandable. But also?

You can't control it.

And it's not up to you to solve it.

I hope that helps. Or was at least passably entertaining to read. 😉
 
I agree that love is nebulous and has much nuance. I know we can fall in love at first sight, or fall in love after a few weeks or a couple of months. But is it really love? You barely know the person. You are just "meeting their representative." Everyone is on their best behavior. Everyone is trying to impress. The hormones are flowing like pink champagne.

So, I'd take all this with a grain of salt. In my opinion, true love takes a year to develop, in a real local relationship, longer if it's long distance, and is entirely faux if you're only "meeting" online. You just have to go through some difficult life experiences together, to see how the trust builds, if they're there for a long time and not just a good time.

I don't think you need to share this exchange with Adam. It's part of your private thing with Ethan, for now. It seems to have bubbled up by accident (at least on your part).

I know I felt "in love" with Pixi after our first date (which lasted three days). lol I held off saying it for six weeks of long weekend dates. But we moved slowly and didn't overly commit otherwise, as we both knew we had a lot of life things to do and we didn't want to count our chickens and put all our eggs in one basket too soon.

Turns out my infatuation was an indication of real lasting love. Sometimes that happens, but other times, after a few months to two years, you realize what you thought was love was not, actually a real thing. Then again, some people are more honest than others, and ARE just what they seem. But others (monsters, narcissists, etc.) are extremely good at masking, and you end up sorely disappointed.

As I recall, I had to ask Pixi if she loved her current bf and if he loved her, after some time had passed. She said, yes, she loved him, and she'd told him. She reckoned he felt the same, although in all these years, he's only said it once! He clearly shows it in other ways.

Aries told me he loved me quite early on. (He's a passionate verbal sort of guy, and an Aries. They are impulsive.) I had to just say, "Thank you," as I wasn't sure I felt it yet. After some more time passed, I realized I did in fact love him. I didn't tell Pixi right away that we'd said the L word. I think she got the idea without me having to actually tell her.
 
Thank you so much for your extremely thorough replies and for sharing your experiences. It sounds like I was in fact overthinking things. I’ll hold tight on having any such conversations with Adam on it. Thanks again and have a great week :)
 
Hi Liam,

I guess the question is, would Adam want to know? It might be like telling Adam the details of the sex you had with Ethan, the only purpose it would serve might be to get Ethan upset. Plus as you said this "I love you" was premature. You don't feel that you're at that point yet. Anyway it sounds like you know what to do. Good luck and keep us posted.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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