The laws of structure

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poly6

New member
As I continue upon my dangerous quest into the ancient realm of polyamory(and this forum) I've been thinking more and more about what exactly is needed between poly individuals to make it work.

Now obviously I don't think there is a one way for all method. Everyone is different and has different needs wants and desires. Everyone involved is doing it for a different reason. But I'm beginning to wonder.

1. What is an objective absolutely requirement in order for polyamory relationships to work, regardless of number of people involved or system.

2. What is more subjectively required. Something tied down more to an individual.

I ask this in relation to two types of relationships, the first being networks and the second being how it applies to families.

I ask this because when I see people debate on the forum, I can't tell what is a must and what simply depends on the people involved. I can't tell what's bad and what's good I suppose. If I see someone appose something I tend to be inclined to believe it's bad when it may only be the person's belief.

I can't tell.
 
I think the three most important things are

1. Trust that your partner loves you and will make good decisions so as not to expose you to harm or your relationship to harm. This belief in your partner will prevent the necessity for "rules" and give him/her license to pursue their own relationships in whatever manner they see fit without feeling tethered and restrained due to your insecurities.

2. Have compassion and empathy for the feelings and emotions of your metamours. They are vulnerable to your whims once they become involved with your partner. Your temper tantrums and childish insecurities can cause a lot of hurt and much resentment not only with your metamours but also with your partner because you are hurting someone that your partner loves.

3. Take ownership of your feelings and don't hold your partner and their relationships hostage due to your own internal strife. Only you can do the internal work in order to fix yourself. Your partner simply loving someone else is not "hurting" you. YOU are hurting you due to jealousy and unrealistic expectations.

Subjective things run the gamut. This is usually when people start putting rules in place in order to pay homage to their particular insecurities. Everything from having to meet their metamours to dictating the pace at which physical intimacy is allowed to occur between two adults. As if they can't decide for themselves
 
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Graviton said much more eloquently than I could my thoughts.
 
1. What is an objective absolutely requirement in order for polyamory relationships to work, regardless of number of people involved or system
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People in the polyamorous relationship. That is the only objective absolute "ingredient " that I can see. Cannot have a polyamorous relationship without people in it.

The rest is subjective --- very dependent on the participants and their desires/abilities and what it is they are after in their polyship. They determine for themselves what is a requirement or not.

2. What is more subjectively required. Something tied down more to an individual.
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I think it is all DIY. I also think that to what degree the participants talk this stuff out is up to them. I think some of the "ingredients" could be...

  • They assess that they are all reasonably healthy individuals and not taking up with wackies in the dating time.
  • They determine that they are reasonably compatible in life style, values, interests in the dating time.
  • That they all agree on what brings them together, what open model they practice together, how they agree to be together while in the relationship, how long they want to be together, and what healthy boundaries they keep.
  • They are all clear on what "success" is to them and how they measure it. They are all clear on what the deal breakers are, what the hard limits are that will never change, and what the soft limits are that could change over time.
  • That they have strong intrapersonal skills (ex: emotional management, taking responsibility, adaptability, etc) or willing/able to grow them
  • That they have strong interpersonal skills (ex: communication, conflict resolution, problem solving, etc) or willing/able to grow them
  • That they have enough freedom in the polyship to work as individuals. They can enjoy personal growth and activities on their own.
  • That they have enough freedom in the polyship to work as a group. Whether the "group stuff" they choose to do is very minimal like calendar management so dates can happen or something more intense like raising kids together. (The participants determine how intertwined they want to be. )
  • Honesty, trust, and that the "talk and walk" both match.

Those general "ingredients" could also work in other kinds of relationships. Family, friends, etc.

I ask this because when I see people debate on the forum, I can't tell what is a must and what simply depends on the people involved. I can't tell what's bad and what's good I suppose. If I see someone appose something I tend to be inclined to believe it's bad when it may only be the person's belief.

I can't tell.
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Is it that you are trying to discern and form/clarify your own beliefs?

Galagirl
 
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EVERYTHING depends on each individual's preferences, wants, desires, and to a degree, their belief systems (unless or until they change their beliefs). How could it be any other way? It isn't like there is this "thing" called polyamory that a person fits themselves into and then suddenly has a set of procedures to follow.

For example, your questions focused on how "poly individuals" make relationships work. Well, just phrasing your questions in that way can be problematic in terms of how people can answer you. There are many people (including myself) who practice polyamory yet do not identify as poly. We see polyamory as simply an approach or structure for having relationships and do not define ourselves by that, nor any other way to relate to others. For many who view things that way, monogamy could work for us just as well. Other people view poly as an orientation or identity and feel they cannot have monogamous relationships (either way, I still see the act of having and managing multiple loving relationships as a thing we choose to do). So, when you ask about "poly individuals," what do you mean? The way I personally distinguish my viewpoint from those of people who identify as poly is that I see myself as a polyamorist (something I do or practice), rather than polyamorous (something someone is).

Also, the reply you got from graviton, which several people agreed with, is one I actually can't relate to at all, because it is from the perspective of people who are partnered. One can practice poly as a solo and not have partners that we need to run things by, or from whom we would seek reassurance. In my relationships, I have lovers and lover-friends, but I do not have partners and do not want what I call "totally entwined partnerships." Try not to think of polyamory as only something couples do. There are lots of solo polys out there, living independently and having multiple relationships - but not partnerships. And there are lots of couples who don't allow hierarchies in the way they conduct their relationships!

Your questions can also be answered in a number of ways regarding what makes relationships "work." Everyone has their own criteria for that. For some, it could be very important that all metamours get along and are friendly, for example, while others are perfectly fine with their metamours never meeting. Some folks want a big poly tribe all living together, others prefer to keep their relationships separate. My personal criteria for whether a relationship is working, fulfilling, and satisfying to me, is that I am respected, feel valued, am heard and acknowledged when I express myself, feel safe and free to be myself, can share affection, look forward to being with the person, and that there is way more fun and caring than "hard work" and the processing of "issues." So, that's why I don't see polyamory as much different from monogamy - these are my criteria for either approach.

Really, polyamory is simply the desire, ability, or practice of openly having more than one loving, caring relationship at one time. How people manage that is as varied as the people themselves. There is no one-size-fits-all poly lifestyle.
 
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