The Other couple is on different pages

[Sunnygal]

Background: My husband and I are new to non-monogamy, and met another couple who are new to non-monogamy at a party. We quickly became friends, had a few dinner parties, and talked about our attraction to each other. Then, at two different parties, my husband and I made out with The other couple in separate rooms. We both had amazing times with the respective other member of the couple, and my husband and I are super transparent with each other about our feelings. We both agreed that we needed to sit down with the two of them and have a real intentional conversation about all of this.

My husband shared that he is emotionally and physically attracted to and involved with the wife of the other couple. The husband of the other couple expressed that he wanted more of a Friends who occasionally hook up kind of set up, more like swingers.

Here is where my question comes in: The wife of the other couple downplayed her romantic connection to my husband in front of her own husband. When my husband asked her about it after dinner, she said that she was managing her husband's experience and that she was totally on the same page with my husband about their romantic connection.

I do not know how to move forward with this couple. Part of me is excited to continue seeing them because I am getting something out of it physically. I am also very concerned that this woman is not honest with her husband about the depth of her feelings that she has expressed to my husband. My husband does not know what to do, and neither do I. We are enjoying parts of this, but the other woman's dishonesty is a red flag. All of my alerts inside her telling me to not get involved with a couple who is not on the same page. Should my husband and I just change the context for how we relate to them? Should we run the other way? Should we sit them both down again and tell them that the wife is telling my husband one thing and her husband another?

Any advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sunnygal,

I guess the thing for your husband to do is to tell the wife of the other couple that he is uncomfortable with her being dishonest with her husband. And maybe, that your husband can't be involved with her if she doesn't correct the situation. If that's how your husband feels. If that's not how he feels, you may actually want to rethink your association with your husband.

But maybe the other wife's dishonesty is just a minor thing, for now. If it is, then you can kind of just wait and see how things play out. You'll have to decide how much her dishonesty bothers you.

These are just some initial thoughts, and I could be wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I wonder why someone didn't ask her about that DURING the dinner?

Like...

"Wait. You just said X. Previously you told me Y. If we move things forward, I want to know everyone is being clear and up front with each other. Not giving mixed messages. Maybe I'm misunderstanding something. Could you be willing to clarify what you actually mean?"

All of my alerts inside her telling me to not get involved with a couple who is not on the same page.

Then don't get further involved. Keep it simple on yourselves.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

she said that she was managing her husband's experience

Why does she feel the need to attempt to manage his experience? Why can't he manage his own experience? What's the manipulation all about?

 

[Ravenscroft]

Does anyone know of a reasonable discussion site for swingers? My impression is that's what's needed here. Someone there could help swingers properly manage a swinging issue.

Sunnygal, if this is going to be anything approaching polyamory, then ONE OF YOU will address this -- ASAFP -- to your entire group, simultaneously. (That fact that YOU haven't brought it up already definitely makes you complicit in the secrecy.) If nobody's willing to do that, then you'd all likely be MUCH happier at the swinging.

Your phrasing indicates that you're interested in protecting "your men" from what you feel is a rules violation of some sort, & kinda painting your "friend" as a conniving bitch rather than an individual uncertain how to proceed in a new situation. If you've already judged her that harshly, then yes, you should take your dyad & walk away & (better yet) hopefully never have such an "accident" again especialy seeing as your hubby is all set to play the Romance game & join the conspiracy of silence.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Does anyone know of a reasonable discussion site for swingers? My impression is that's what's needed here. Someone there could help swingers properly manage a swinging issue.

swingersboard.com - they even have a section for polyamory and swinging, although last time I was there (a few years ago), it only had 2-3 members actively involved in both.

I think here is an appropriate place to ask, though. This is as much a poly issue as a swinging one.

Sunnygal - In both swinging and polyamory, I think honesty is the most important thing in maintaining a healthy relationship. Another thing you hear frequently is to move at the slowest pace necessary to make everyone comfortable. I only agree with that one if the person needing the most time to adjust is actively working on adjusting. Slow down. If the other couple is divided on what they want, let them figure it out. Right now, your husband is essentially involved in an emotional affair. Yes, they have the consent of the other guy to be physically involved and friends, but they do NOT have the consent to be romantic partners. Is this something you all are comfortable with? Aiding in emotional infidelity? If not, STOP. You could tell the other man that things between the other two seem to be getting serious and encourage him to talk to his wife. Your husband could tell the other woman that he is not comfortable continuing to grow the bond until she talks to her husband. You could all get together again to discuss as a group that there are 2 different levels of connecting going on. All would work. Depending on the people, one might be better (but I don't know any of you, so I don't know which).