hightreason
New member
Last night I started the conversation with my girlfriend about me taking on a second girlfriend. But before I get to that, here's some background.
I have been with my girlfriend about 4.5 years. It has been a completely sexless relationship for about 3.5 years. There is still physical affection: hand holding, kisses, cuddling while sleeping, and that sort of thing, but nothing even remotely sexual. We live together. I get my sexual needs met (somewhat) by sex outside the relationship (one night stands and prostitutes). She is well aware of this, and is fine with it. She was not completely fine with it at first, but it has at this point become just the way we do things. She minds MUCH more if I stay out drinking late with my buddies than if I screw a random stranger and come home in time for dinner. As for her part, as far as I can tell, she has no sex drive whatsoever.
I have become increasingly unhappy with this arrangement, however. I just need more sexual intimacy than occasionally finding a random hole to relieve myself into. It's not all about sex, either. There are other relationship needs that my girlfriend can't meet. She's not going to change and suddenly become everything I need (not that I want her to change anyway). So, the only sensible solution is to date another person as well. I love her, and certainly do not want to break up.
The above has all been the case for quite some time. We have talked about my dissatisfaction with the situation a LOT for quite some time. Last night was the first time I had a serious talk with my girlfriend about dating other people, though. Sure, I have casually mentioned it before, and she casually dismissed it, and it never became a discussion. Last night, I persisted and made sure we discussed things seriously.
To put things succinctly, she's not very happy about the idea. However, she also said that I should do it if I want. This presents me with a bit of a problem, though. I guess I technically have the "permission" to date other people, but it is very clear to me that she doesn't want me to. Staying in this relationship monogamously (well, emotionally monogamously) is not an option. The only option I have then is to either do something that I know will make her unhappy (which I don't want to do) or break up with her (which I do not want to do).
Do I have the obligation to break up with her "for her own good" to help her avoid the situation that might make her unhappy? I am pretty much certain she will not break up with me, so the only way we break up is if I do it. Of course, I don't want to do that. Also, who am I to decide what is best for her? If I am dating other people and being honest with her about it, then it is up to her to leave if she can't be happy in that situation, right? I can't enforce her happiness.
I think a large part of it is just indoctrination into the way things "should" be. She's not very open-minded in general about doing things "differently." I assured her multiple times throughout the conversation that I loved her very much. I corrected her a few times that I was NOT breaking up with her and have absolutely no desire to break up with her in the foreseeable future. I think the whole thing is just a bit hard for her to fathom.
Even though, she will accept the situation, she is still against it, and I wish there was some way to change that. I told her there would be nothing sneaky going on. I told her she was free to meet the other women I date if she wants (she made it clear she did not want to, though). I told her that she was also free to see other people (she doesn't want to). I don't really know what to do or say. I either make me unhappy (staying monogamous), I make her unhappy (dating other people), or I make both of us unhappy (break up). There seems to be no winning.
A big part of me thinks she's just scared. That I should just do it and she will see for herself that I still love her, and likely very little in our relationship will change.
I have been with my girlfriend about 4.5 years. It has been a completely sexless relationship for about 3.5 years. There is still physical affection: hand holding, kisses, cuddling while sleeping, and that sort of thing, but nothing even remotely sexual. We live together. I get my sexual needs met (somewhat) by sex outside the relationship (one night stands and prostitutes). She is well aware of this, and is fine with it. She was not completely fine with it at first, but it has at this point become just the way we do things. She minds MUCH more if I stay out drinking late with my buddies than if I screw a random stranger and come home in time for dinner. As for her part, as far as I can tell, she has no sex drive whatsoever.
I have become increasingly unhappy with this arrangement, however. I just need more sexual intimacy than occasionally finding a random hole to relieve myself into. It's not all about sex, either. There are other relationship needs that my girlfriend can't meet. She's not going to change and suddenly become everything I need (not that I want her to change anyway). So, the only sensible solution is to date another person as well. I love her, and certainly do not want to break up.
The above has all been the case for quite some time. We have talked about my dissatisfaction with the situation a LOT for quite some time. Last night was the first time I had a serious talk with my girlfriend about dating other people, though. Sure, I have casually mentioned it before, and she casually dismissed it, and it never became a discussion. Last night, I persisted and made sure we discussed things seriously.
To put things succinctly, she's not very happy about the idea. However, she also said that I should do it if I want. This presents me with a bit of a problem, though. I guess I technically have the "permission" to date other people, but it is very clear to me that she doesn't want me to. Staying in this relationship monogamously (well, emotionally monogamously) is not an option. The only option I have then is to either do something that I know will make her unhappy (which I don't want to do) or break up with her (which I do not want to do).
Do I have the obligation to break up with her "for her own good" to help her avoid the situation that might make her unhappy? I am pretty much certain she will not break up with me, so the only way we break up is if I do it. Of course, I don't want to do that. Also, who am I to decide what is best for her? If I am dating other people and being honest with her about it, then it is up to her to leave if she can't be happy in that situation, right? I can't enforce her happiness.
I think a large part of it is just indoctrination into the way things "should" be. She's not very open-minded in general about doing things "differently." I assured her multiple times throughout the conversation that I loved her very much. I corrected her a few times that I was NOT breaking up with her and have absolutely no desire to break up with her in the foreseeable future. I think the whole thing is just a bit hard for her to fathom.
Even though, she will accept the situation, she is still against it, and I wish there was some way to change that. I told her there would be nothing sneaky going on. I told her she was free to meet the other women I date if she wants (she made it clear she did not want to, though). I told her that she was also free to see other people (she doesn't want to). I don't really know what to do or say. I either make me unhappy (staying monogamous), I make her unhappy (dating other people), or I make both of us unhappy (break up). There seems to be no winning.
A big part of me thinks she's just scared. That I should just do it and she will see for herself that I still love her, and likely very little in our relationship will change.