The situation I'm in (love, sex and long term relationship issues..)

M

manitscoldhere

New member
Hey everyone,

I posted this over in Intros, but didn't get much response. So here's my story and issue.

I'm 26, male. The best way I can describe myself is "passionate." I enjoy going out to dance, listening to music (music that you can dance to). I like driving cars fast, jumping out of airplanes, running, basically things like that. I get bored fairly easily, though

Which leads me to where I am right now.

I've been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and I love the girl I am with. She's a great girlfriend, and I have no real issues with our relationship (other than sex, which I'll get to in a second). We have a dog and an apartment together, and overall things are nice. We go to parties, take the dog to the park, cook, etc. It's a stable and loving relationship. The sad thing is, I'm not really getting what I need out of it. I feel there are a few reasons for this. But in essence it comes down to sex and passion. I'm not interested in just "getting off," but actually enjoying my time and really getting into the whole, for lack of a better word, production of having sex. I enjoy music, candles, and the feeling of both partners wanting to rip the others clothes off.

However...

My girlfriend is not this person, and never really has been. When we first started dating, I didn't notice it as much. She was much more into sex. But it didn't take very long to realize she wasn't a leader and didn't really care that much. The sex was good overall, so I didn't think much of it.

However, two years later, it's basically gone stale and I don't really enjoy it very much. I feel like we have sex just to get off. And if that's all it is, then I'd rather just do my own thing. She doesn't seem to have any desire to be with me sexually more than maybe once or so a month, and there's just not much feeling behind it even then. With that said, I am not blaming her. But we are two different people and those differences are starting to really show. It's glaring enough that I would consider leaving her if we didn't resolve it. I'm too young to give up on this part of my life.

Anyway, I also think that my work going slow isn't helping. The past month I've been sitting at home doing nothing, with work being virtually dead. So that puts added stress on our relationship. However, I really started to notice our differences sexually between 6 months and a year into our relationship, basically when that "giddy in love" feeling was gone, and people's true natures come out.

Which leads me to being interested in still being with her, which is what I want, but also getting what I need and desire somewhere else. I want to stay committed to my girlfriend, but I've come to the realization that we may never see eye to eye on sex. I think that is fine, if I can still enjoy the part of life I want to enjoy.

I guess I'm looking for help here, what to look for, people's experiences, etc. I've started reading Opening Up, which is a good read. But I also wanted to have open discussion with people.

Again, thanks and hello!
 
What does your girlfriend think about you having outside partners?
 
I think your best bet at this point is to keep talking to her and taking baby steps. Find out what her comfort level is and stay at that point for a while. Move slowly. There isn't any rush. It took my husband and me about five years to get from the initial discussions of opening up our marriage to me having an outside relationship, and then another two years until he had an outside relationship. These things don't happen quickly, but it can be really fulfilling if you take your time, build trust and don't rush.
 
Derbylicious said:
I think your best bet at this point is to keep talking to her and taking baby steps. Find out what her comfort level is and stay at that point for a while. Move slowly. There isn't any rush... These things don't happen quickly, but it can be really fulfilling if you take your time, build trust and don't rush.
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That makes total sense. I'm sure if the situation were turned around, it would take me a long time to warm up to the idea. It's all about trust.
 
About her figuring out what's in it for her-- she's likely to have a happier you around, at the very least. Plus she has the opportunity to explore relationships with others, as well.
 
Derbylicious said:
What's in it for her? She's likely to have a happier you around, at the very least. Plus she has the opportunity to explore relationships with others, as well.
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You're totally right. If it feels one-sided then we will have issues. I already have a few ideas based on what she likes. But who knows? She's never complained about our relationship, sex, or anything, really. Again, baby steps and discussions.
 
I agree with Derby on taking it slow, but I can't help thinking that perhaps you are not polyamorous, you just need another person to date that is more compatible, sexually.

I once had a wife that I loved dearly, but after five years, we just had different ideas about what our path was together and for ourselves. Perhaps deciding which goals you have would help you decide where you are going in your life together.

If there is more than the polyamory/open relationship talk that she is not too thrilled with, then perhaps it's time to think about moving on. On the other hand, if you find that in talking to her there is tons you still both want to do together and achieve, then I think it will just take time and a whole lot of exploring together what this "open" thing is about.

Be very clear, though, that polyamory is not just about sex, it is about relationships like the one you already have. Not only would you be gaining another sexual partner, but another girlfriend. Are you ready for that? Is she ready for that? Otherwise, having an open relationship, or doing some swinging might work better. Opening Up explains the differences.
 
Hello, Redpepper. You make a good point. That may be the solution-- someone more compatible.

The challenge is that, other than that area, we are very good with each other, and very compatible. We almost never fight, we (mostly) enjoy similar things, we love each other's families (we both have become fairly integrated into each other's families) and the same goes for friends. It would be tragic to tear apart what we have going over just sex and passion.

With that said, I'm not looking to just get laid either. I want an actual relationship with a girl, outside of my "primary" relationship, so to speak. It won't be a long-term committed relationship, but it would be committed on some level.

I don't know... We're going to a counselor soon to at least help put the issues on the table before really trying any type of open relationship. I'm just trying to gain understanding from other people's viewpoints of the situation and how it would/wouldn't work in an open relationship.
 
This may be way off topic, and shouldn't prevent you from looking into polyamory, but sometimes lack of libido is a symptom of a medical issue. It would be a shame to overlook that, if your girlfriend needed some help.
 
Seasnail said:
Sometimes lack of libido is a symptom of a medical issue. It would be a shame to overlook that, if your girlfriend needed some help.
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I totally agree. Before any serious decisions are made we are going to see a therapist, so hopefully that will pull out any real issues (unless it just is what it is). To be frank, if we just are not compatible sexually, then I would seriously consider going polyamorous, or learn to deal with no intimate sex, or just break up with her (though "just dealing with it" would, in the long run, be bad for us, I think).

She has gone to a doctor for this before. Her testosterone levels are low. My hope is we can get this figured out!
 
I'm a newbie here, with no cred, so, warning!

That said, the solution to "our sex is not satisfying and infrequent" (and at least I think messages in your post that you view this as "her issue") of extending to an additional relationship (polyamory) strikes me as superficial.

I'd suggest you as individuals have some significant growth to do that can result in a transformation in your relationship and all attributes of your sex life. That could still happen if you enter into an additional relationship. But it sounds more like using the additional relationship to AVOID that (which assumes you know it's a very viable path, which you probably don't, hence your post).

I was in the same situation. I cheated for a very long time. I also thought it was "her issue," and she wasn't sexually inclined the way I was. Boy, was I wrong. She had issues... I had issues... We had issues together.

The result of working together on them with professional help: an exceptional relationship in general, and incredible and very frequent and satisfying sex! And we aren't close to done yet, either (probably never will be).

I strongly recommend "Passionate Marriage" as a low cost way to get into the complexity of relationship and sex and issues. Not easy reading, but eye opening and powerful!

G'luck,
Zinc
 
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