wakenbakeOvO
New member
So first off, Hello everyone! I apologize in advance for my sub par spelling and grammar structure. Thank you all for being with me through this interesting time in my life.. So I am not sure how to start this blog or where it will go from here but I feel as if writing down my thoughts really helps me work through my feelings.. So lets begin at the beginning. Just to recap a few things please read my post on the introduction page to get caught up in my life.
At the beginning of time there was a big bang. Lol no but seriously lets start with my childhood. So I grew up as the middle child raised by a single mother. My father was a drug abuser and alcoholic. So needless to say he never really was involved in my life. I still think that my brothers were the only reason I made it through my childhood. It was kind of rough growing up so poor but I do think it has made into the man I am today. I was definitely the black sheep growing up. I had a lot of anger problems and I didn't know how to handle them properly. I struggled with self identity and where I fit in the world. There were rough times like my step father beating me or going hungry because my mother left us to live with her boyfriend. As far back as I can remember my mother always had a man in her life. Some were good some not so much. But I never really grew up having a real father figure in my life. But I dally. Needless to say that there was joy and strife in my adolescent years, but for now I'd like to jump ahead to middle school. This is where the plot thickens.
So During my last year of middle school (8th grade) my mother said she could no longer take care of us and sent us off to live with my aunt.. My mom needed to figure out how to take care of herself which I understand now as an adult. But in the throws of my preteen years I was shook up. I moved schools and that really sucked but this actually would change my life forever. This is where I met my soulmate and the future love of my life. Let us give her a name. For all great things require great names. Let us call her Bunny. I made Bunny in the 8th grade right before the end of the school year. I can still to this day remember the first time I saw her. She was so beautiful I remember staring at her as she just casually walked down the hallway. She was goth/emo. Which I was really into and found very attractive. I instantly had to pursue her. I remember texting her and liking her right off the back. Unfortunately after just a brief time with her my life became rather more complicated. My mother came back.
She just called out of the blue and said she was coming to get us and we were going to be moving several states away. close to 2000 miles away. So our time was cut short. Let us divert from the story for just a moment. and explain just a few things about bunny. She is my primary partner and we are currently just at the beginning of us opening up the relationship. In a lot of ways bunny's childhood was a lot like mine just in reverse in a few ways. Alas her story is not mine to tell. But I will tell you bunny has always had an interest in sex with many partners. When she was younger she took many lovers to bed while we were only friends (myself included). The entire time I lived away from her. We remained friends although I must say we did blow up at each other once in a while. buuut. She has very open ideas about what love is and can be. She feels very comfortable with pleasure in sex in all of its mysterious forms. She opened my ideas to what sex could be and without her. I would still feel ashamed about my BDSM ideas and a few other intimate pleasures. XD
So back to my backstory. I am sorry if I jump around to much. So life moves on and bunny and I remain friends.. Which is good for us. Neither of us were ready to settle down. I get a job. Graduate high school. find an apartment and move out of my aunts house. ( I actually ended up moving back in with my aunt after my life became to hostile and destructive with my mother). We go without talking for about seven or eight months. Then one night while working at a gas station she comes in to buy a pack of smokes. and it turned out that we lived in the same apartment complex. So we start seeing each other right away. Within two months I had asked her to move in and actually preposed within the first year.
Now we have had plenty of issues over the last five years. Some of them more intense than others. We dealt with her cheating on me. Which I should maybe explain a little more. So about one year into the relationship she expressed that she was interested in an open relationship. I found the thought of her with another woman extremely arousing, but made me sick at the same time. So I told her that I didn't want to be a part of it in the least. I didn't want to know who it was, when anything happened or any part of their relationship. Well one of our friends fell on hard times and her and her partner moved into our apartment temporarily. Well I awoke one night and found the three of them on the couch while the woman was fingering my wife and the husband watched. Needless to say I had a pretty basic human freak out. I felt betrayed and stupid for not seeing this. That I was the last person to know. That I was asleep in the next room and that they did what they did. It took time but I chose to stay with Bunny and before I knew.. We were fast friends again.
This is where I ran into second troubles. I do not mean to paint myself as the perfect partner. I had a bad habit of lying to Bunny about many many things. I told her I had cancer (a lie) and that I had money saved (I didn't), It took a long time but it created tension inside our relationship. It was a long time before we could really have open honest communication. This is still something I struggle with on a daily bases. Now I try to practice 100% truth and honesty inside my relationship and life all together. But all the while we remained mono. I also struggle in the sex department. I have come a long way with Bunny but when we met I was not nearly experienced enough.. I also struggle with long bouts of low to no sex drive. This has always been a fairly large struggle within our relationship. Like I mentioned earlier Bunny has always enjoyed sex with men and women. a lot. So while being with me she endured having one partner who still discovering his sexuality but also did not enjoy making love nearly as much.
She introduced me to the BDSM culture and once we began talking about it. I came to realize not only was this stuff not weird. but really turned me on as well. I enjoy toping a lot and it has added much pleasure and wonder to our relationship.. But two things that do not go together in my opinion are BDSM and alcoholism. We both come from families where alcoholism runs on both sides. I started drinking together heavily once I turned twenty one. I began to drink every night and then every day. then every morning. It slowly seeped into my life and infected me. Changed me into someone who I didn't like. I drank from sun up sun down. I drank before work and after work. It nearly killed me. As this is the first time I tell my story to everyone I will not focus on Bunny during this time in my life. As my alcoholism is mine. I will not tell another's story. It was a hard time for us though. But I am happy to announce that I am now very much sober. I currently am still in my first year and I struggle very hard with it. But I choose to not drink one day at a time. and that is all I will say about that.
So that covers all the way up to current day us. We are in our fifth year of our engagement and sixth year of being together. She came to me about two months ago and told me she had created a fetlife account where she talked to men. She told me she deleted it and that she had went to far. Then I noticed her sleeping on the couch more and staying up late. Bunny does not lie. She has never really lied to me once in her life. and She prides herself on being honest with everyone in her life. So I asked her one day while we were both at work if she was still seeing anyone else. She admitted she had been talking to someone. And it was a man. She told me she needed this. That she was growing and changing and that she needed this in her life. I being a mono person who I am. I never once imagined her being with another person. It made me feel ill and go sweaty in the face.
So if you read my introduction post you will be all caught up to my current day situation. To catch you up on a few current developments. We had a discussion about who it is. It is her ex boyfriend. She and he were on and off for almost three years. I struggle with this. Because their connection is so strong. So developed. She told me that is mostly about the sex connection they share. We are talking a lot. So much to the point of over talking it. Which I have read is a common mistake in new poly relations. Bunny also has admitted that she slowly opening herself up to the idea of me being with another woman. I thought maybe something long distance may help her come to terms with it easier. I have to say that the thought of finding something as new and exciting as what she has to be exciting myself. Which makes me worry that I want it out of spite. I am still struggling with the idea of them actually having sex. But this is normal I suppose and in an abstact way it is arousing. Her pleasure that is.
Last thought before I post. The sex since she came out has been incredible. Is this normal? I don't know why but I have super eager as a lover. I suppose this is because I want her attention. I just hope that this doesn't fade over time.
Anyways I will be posting on here frequently as our relationship continues. Maybe as often as daily about some of my thoughts and feelings about this. If anyone has questions I'd be happy to answer.
At the beginning of time there was a big bang. Lol no but seriously lets start with my childhood. So I grew up as the middle child raised by a single mother. My father was a drug abuser and alcoholic. So needless to say he never really was involved in my life. I still think that my brothers were the only reason I made it through my childhood. It was kind of rough growing up so poor but I do think it has made into the man I am today. I was definitely the black sheep growing up. I had a lot of anger problems and I didn't know how to handle them properly. I struggled with self identity and where I fit in the world. There were rough times like my step father beating me or going hungry because my mother left us to live with her boyfriend. As far back as I can remember my mother always had a man in her life. Some were good some not so much. But I never really grew up having a real father figure in my life. But I dally. Needless to say that there was joy and strife in my adolescent years, but for now I'd like to jump ahead to middle school. This is where the plot thickens.
So During my last year of middle school (8th grade) my mother said she could no longer take care of us and sent us off to live with my aunt.. My mom needed to figure out how to take care of herself which I understand now as an adult. But in the throws of my preteen years I was shook up. I moved schools and that really sucked but this actually would change my life forever. This is where I met my soulmate and the future love of my life. Let us give her a name. For all great things require great names. Let us call her Bunny. I made Bunny in the 8th grade right before the end of the school year. I can still to this day remember the first time I saw her. She was so beautiful I remember staring at her as she just casually walked down the hallway. She was goth/emo. Which I was really into and found very attractive. I instantly had to pursue her. I remember texting her and liking her right off the back. Unfortunately after just a brief time with her my life became rather more complicated. My mother came back.
She just called out of the blue and said she was coming to get us and we were going to be moving several states away. close to 2000 miles away. So our time was cut short. Let us divert from the story for just a moment. and explain just a few things about bunny. She is my primary partner and we are currently just at the beginning of us opening up the relationship. In a lot of ways bunny's childhood was a lot like mine just in reverse in a few ways. Alas her story is not mine to tell. But I will tell you bunny has always had an interest in sex with many partners. When she was younger she took many lovers to bed while we were only friends (myself included). The entire time I lived away from her. We remained friends although I must say we did blow up at each other once in a while. buuut. She has very open ideas about what love is and can be. She feels very comfortable with pleasure in sex in all of its mysterious forms. She opened my ideas to what sex could be and without her. I would still feel ashamed about my BDSM ideas and a few other intimate pleasures. XD
So back to my backstory. I am sorry if I jump around to much. So life moves on and bunny and I remain friends.. Which is good for us. Neither of us were ready to settle down. I get a job. Graduate high school. find an apartment and move out of my aunts house. ( I actually ended up moving back in with my aunt after my life became to hostile and destructive with my mother). We go without talking for about seven or eight months. Then one night while working at a gas station she comes in to buy a pack of smokes. and it turned out that we lived in the same apartment complex. So we start seeing each other right away. Within two months I had asked her to move in and actually preposed within the first year.
Now we have had plenty of issues over the last five years. Some of them more intense than others. We dealt with her cheating on me. Which I should maybe explain a little more. So about one year into the relationship she expressed that she was interested in an open relationship. I found the thought of her with another woman extremely arousing, but made me sick at the same time. So I told her that I didn't want to be a part of it in the least. I didn't want to know who it was, when anything happened or any part of their relationship. Well one of our friends fell on hard times and her and her partner moved into our apartment temporarily. Well I awoke one night and found the three of them on the couch while the woman was fingering my wife and the husband watched. Needless to say I had a pretty basic human freak out. I felt betrayed and stupid for not seeing this. That I was the last person to know. That I was asleep in the next room and that they did what they did. It took time but I chose to stay with Bunny and before I knew.. We were fast friends again.
This is where I ran into second troubles. I do not mean to paint myself as the perfect partner. I had a bad habit of lying to Bunny about many many things. I told her I had cancer (a lie) and that I had money saved (I didn't), It took a long time but it created tension inside our relationship. It was a long time before we could really have open honest communication. This is still something I struggle with on a daily bases. Now I try to practice 100% truth and honesty inside my relationship and life all together. But all the while we remained mono. I also struggle in the sex department. I have come a long way with Bunny but when we met I was not nearly experienced enough.. I also struggle with long bouts of low to no sex drive. This has always been a fairly large struggle within our relationship. Like I mentioned earlier Bunny has always enjoyed sex with men and women. a lot. So while being with me she endured having one partner who still discovering his sexuality but also did not enjoy making love nearly as much.
She introduced me to the BDSM culture and once we began talking about it. I came to realize not only was this stuff not weird. but really turned me on as well. I enjoy toping a lot and it has added much pleasure and wonder to our relationship.. But two things that do not go together in my opinion are BDSM and alcoholism. We both come from families where alcoholism runs on both sides. I started drinking together heavily once I turned twenty one. I began to drink every night and then every day. then every morning. It slowly seeped into my life and infected me. Changed me into someone who I didn't like. I drank from sun up sun down. I drank before work and after work. It nearly killed me. As this is the first time I tell my story to everyone I will not focus on Bunny during this time in my life. As my alcoholism is mine. I will not tell another's story. It was a hard time for us though. But I am happy to announce that I am now very much sober. I currently am still in my first year and I struggle very hard with it. But I choose to not drink one day at a time. and that is all I will say about that.
So that covers all the way up to current day us. We are in our fifth year of our engagement and sixth year of being together. She came to me about two months ago and told me she had created a fetlife account where she talked to men. She told me she deleted it and that she had went to far. Then I noticed her sleeping on the couch more and staying up late. Bunny does not lie. She has never really lied to me once in her life. and She prides herself on being honest with everyone in her life. So I asked her one day while we were both at work if she was still seeing anyone else. She admitted she had been talking to someone. And it was a man. She told me she needed this. That she was growing and changing and that she needed this in her life. I being a mono person who I am. I never once imagined her being with another person. It made me feel ill and go sweaty in the face.
So if you read my introduction post you will be all caught up to my current day situation. To catch you up on a few current developments. We had a discussion about who it is. It is her ex boyfriend. She and he were on and off for almost three years. I struggle with this. Because their connection is so strong. So developed. She told me that is mostly about the sex connection they share. We are talking a lot. So much to the point of over talking it. Which I have read is a common mistake in new poly relations. Bunny also has admitted that she slowly opening herself up to the idea of me being with another woman. I thought maybe something long distance may help her come to terms with it easier. I have to say that the thought of finding something as new and exciting as what she has to be exciting myself. Which makes me worry that I want it out of spite. I am still struggling with the idea of them actually having sex. But this is normal I suppose and in an abstact way it is arousing. Her pleasure that is.
Last thought before I post. The sex since she came out has been incredible. Is this normal? I don't know why but I have super eager as a lover. I suppose this is because I want her attention. I just hope that this doesn't fade over time.
Anyways I will be posting on here frequently as our relationship continues. Maybe as often as daily about some of my thoughts and feelings about this. If anyone has questions I'd be happy to answer.
I used her favorite lotion and covered her in it. She looked so beautiful.. I am so wrestling with my basic thoughts right now. 
