the story of a secondary

AnnabelMore

Active member
You make a totally valid point. It's more about your being okay with whatever choices she makes, being okay with whatever happens next, instead of attaching to a theory and seeing it vanish, leaving you drifting. Being okay no matter the outcome....Thank you for explaining that. Again, love your blog.

I wanted to say that I think you are incredible. The way you are dealing with this is quite inspiration. :D

Thanks for that link Annabel, it's been helpful while I'm thinking about my relationship with MrBrown (the first person I've ever explored kink with) and what it means in terms of being sexual, not sexual, psychological. So much to think about.

It's so very nice to feel understood! Thanks, guys. :)
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
The weekend before last, Gia and I had planned to go to a queer dance party together -- a date! On the day of, I was worried that she'd have to cancel. Eric was under the weather, and it looked like the party was going to be PACKED (Gia isn't a huge fan of big crowds). But she showed. :) We agreed we'd just go somewhere else if it was too crowded, and off we went.

The event was perfect, as it turned out -- a good mix of people, happening but not jam-packed, great entertainment, good vibe. Different music than we're used to, which was a nice change. I don't hesitate to say that she was the hottest chick there, she'd really done herself up well. We danced, together and apart. We paused in the crowd, arms around each other, and enjoyed one another's mouths, long, lingering, sensuous kisses.

Towards the end of the night, I was dancing with our friend Myriel. We started grinding up against each other, and before I knew it I'd pressed her down to a couch, my lower thigh rubbing up between her legs. Shameless, getting her off like that with our clothes on, in the midst of the crowd. Gia smacked my butt and I paused, just a tad guiltily, but all she said was "I didn't say you should stop," so I went back to it. Myriel was loving the whole thing, grinning ear to ear, adorable. I'm not really attracted to her per se, she's not exactly my type? But I love her energy, and I don't regret at all having gotten a bit frisky with her. I gave her one small, simple kiss on the lips as I stood up. Eric has had a gigantic crush on Myriel for years, incidentally.

Just before we left, I went up to Cecelia, a beautiful woman who Gia's had a crush on for years (what can I say, my lovers and I have similar tastes in people), and mentioned a joke she'd made about slapping people. We bantered for a minute, and then I asked if she'd like to slap me. She thought about it for a moment, then said sure. It felt AWESOME.

It was 1am when we got back to my place. I asked Gia if she'd like to come in for a minute, but she said she had to get home. I understood, of course -- with Eric sick at home with the baby, I'd been pleased that she'd come at all! It only stung a little, in the moment, though of course later I couldn't help but linger over her decision, couldn't help but wonder if she would've made a different one if she'd wanted me just a little more...

I wondered, also, belatedly, if I'd made her jealous, with Myriel, with Cecelia. It was supposed to be OUR date, after all. Maybe I'll ask her, at some point, if she minded. She didn't seem to.

More than anything, I'm just glad she wanted to do it, glad she made the time. She told me that it was important to her to come into my world (I spend a lot of time in the queer community in my city) and to spend time with me there as my girlfriend. I certainly appreciate the sentiment.
 
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AnnabelMore

Active member
The next day, Gia and Eric had some friends over to watch movies. I came by early, and hung out with them beforehand. It was relaxed, we watched the baby and made food. At one point, though, I went to the bathroom and, when I came out, noticed Eric leaning over Gia, who was seated on the couch. Unthinking, I came up, curious, and saw that his hand was up her short skirt and she was breathing heavily.

Fuck, it cut me to the quick to see it, so unexpected.

I stepped into the kitchen and started making myself a cup of tea so that I'd be out of the room, and so I'd have something to do with my hands and my eyes. Eric followed me very shortly after and puttered around, so I know it's not like they were at it for long. It was just a momentary thing, just a passing grope, something they're comfortable enough to do around me. When time alone together is scarce, which it certainly is for them with the toddler, you steal moments like that when you can. She and I have certainly done some very sexual things without Eric involved, when he was in the house and could have caught us at it.

I got past it. I went back into the living room and acted normal until I felt normal. When I first walked back in, as I moved to sit on the armchair I noticed Gia make an aborted little motion, like maybe she had been going to make room for me next to her on the couch. All I knew was that I didn't want to be touching her, it would be too much. I had to leave for a rehearsal not too long after, and on the car ride home I screamed at the steering wheel. Just once. It was cathartic.

I felt stupid for being upset, and completely justified at the same time. I felt indignant -- why would they do that in front of me? -- and then incredibly hypocritical -- I'd done so much more the night before in front of her with Myriel. I felt calm, crazed, accepting, and pushed to my limit, all at the same time. Underlying it all, I just felt hurt, plain and simple. The helpless, impotent, useless hurt of wanting someone more than they want you. So familiar, since I felt it so often back in high school. So associated with melodrama and overwrought teenage angst and stupid choices, ugh. UGH.

The feeling has gone away and come back over the course of the week since then. I keep finding myself thinking -- does she really even love me? I took that Five Love Languages test once, and my primary language is physical touch. It's been two months since we've been at all sexual together beyond kissing, three since we were intimate alone together, more since she last went down on me. We'll be seeing each other a lot in the coming weeks, but it'll be close to the end of next month before we have our next date.

I'm not sure if I can do this. She texted me yesterday to tell me that she missed me. I told her that I missed her too. And I do. I really, really, really do.
 
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AnnabelMore

Active member
Having Davis in my life helps me maintain perspective. I don't have strong feelings about his body, I don't look at him and immediately want to screw him. I care for him as a person, and we have great physical chemistry when we start touching each other, so sometimes I end up wanting him very much. But often I could take or leave intimacy, and sometimes I don't want it all with him. He's gracious at those times, he doesn't push. If he did push, I would push back, hard. I don't owe him anything. His desire is not my obligation.

It's the same, of course, with me and Gia. She feels what she feels and it's not right or wrong, any sort of pressure or guilt is out of the question. I'm just left with one big decision to make. If we find ourselves alone together... should I to try to initiate or not? I've mused here before about maybe not initiating at all with her anymore, letting her take the lead. But, with Davis, he often has to get things started before I begin to get excited about it. It's been the same before with her and me, only I've been in Davis's role. If I give up on initiating, maybe I'm voluntarily giving up on a sexual life between the two of us altogether when it might not have to be that way.

But to initiate is to risk rejection. And I already feel so thoroughly rejected by her on a sexual level... could I handle it? Do I dare expose such a raw nerve? It was easy, once. Once, I felt sure that she wanted me, that if she rejected me in the moment it was because it wasn't the right moment, not because I was wrong. Now, that certainty is gone and there's a wound in its place, one that I feel the need to guard.

Right now, I'm not even sure if I would welcome a threesome with her and Eric if it were offered. That's a hard one to explain, but... there are such strong feelings in me about wanting to be with her, with her, with her, that to be with her and him, to see them together, something I normally love, I can just picture it hurting. I can picture, for the first time ever, me engaging in a threesome with them and not being caught up in the enjoyment of it, but rather cataloging touches, comparing, trying to see how she touches him compared to how she touches me. Ew. So the wrong mindset.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
The newly re-minted friendship between me and Davis has been going very well, by the way. It continues to surprise me, how much better things are now that we've shifted gears. Before, if he did something annoying it grated terribly because it wasn't just a simple bad habit, in my mind. On some level, I was imagining living with him and having to deal with that annoying thing every day. On some level, I was evaluating his very character based on whatever random annoying thing that had just happened, and finding him wanting as a life partner, and berating myself for maintaining our arrangement. Constant stress. Now, if he does something annoying, I brush it off and forget it. I truly don't know if I'm not meant for primary partnership, or if I simply wasn't meant to be his primary partner, but I DO know that I'm miles happier now.

We spent last night naked, curled up in each other's arms. I got up early and took a shower with him and felt focused and strong all day.

In other news, Harry has a big birthday party coming up soon. For those who may not recall, Harry was a lover of mine a couple of years ago, someone I very much like and respect. I dropped our physical connection when Davis and I decided to try for a life partnership, and missed him badly at first. At the time, I told Harry that I'd re-connect with him as soon as possible, whenever Davis was ready. That never happened, but Harry and I remained friends.

Harry has since gotten married. His wife is named Violet. She's been through a lot in the past couple of years, and seems like a good, strong person. She's submissive to him, but dominant generally, and she's offered to give Gia some tips about feminine dominance. Gia's interested in the idea, and the three of us may get together to discuss the topic, perhaps as soon as next month. Violet and I have chatted a bit, but haven't developed any real connection at this point.

I haven't yet told Harry that Davis and I have dissolved our formal arrangement. I feel like, if I did, he and Violet would set their sights on me -- they've been very open in mentioning that they're interested in bringing other women to their bed, especially submissive women -- and I'm not sure if I'm interested. Harry and I had a great deal of fun together, yes, but I don't want to rush into anything. Violet isn't really my type, and I don't know her well yet. Aside from which, I feel like I've been emotionally wrenched by so many stories of dysfunctional unicorn hunting here on these boards that anything that remotely feels similar, even if it's not a fair comparison, is immediately off-putting.

I'll have to tell him sooner or later, of course. He's my friend, and me dating Davis was a big turning point in our friendship, so to fail to mention that I'm no longer dating Davis is kind of a lie of omission. I just need to decide what on earth I want to say if he invites me to bed. As I've just said, we had a heck of a lot of fun, but there's something in me that's yearning for new connections... not at the moment, perhaps, but soon, I want to meet new people, I want to be surprised, I want to be out in the world and exploring and discovering, maybe even dating someone new at some point... whereas Harry (putting the question of Violet aside for the moment since, after all, she wouldn't necessarily have to be involved just because they're married now) is very much a known quantity, someone I care about very much but not someone I want to date per se. Hmm.
 
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AnnabelMore

Active member
Wellll, I thought that I might end up eating my words when I said I wouldn't (re)connect with new or old lovers until a month had passed since my breakup with Davis, and it turns out I was right. Hey, I love sex and so, when the opportunity for sex with awesome people arises and I have no reason not to go for it, I'm not inclined to turn it down. :D

Eddie and I spent an hour or so in his bed together last week -- he's one of my housemates, and we've been fwb's on and off for years. It was SO nice to do that with him again, relaxed and warm and intimate. We spent more time lying together naked and talking afterwards than we did actually having sex. That friendship is one of my absolute favorite friendships.

And then there was yesterday.

My roommates and I had a party at our place. Gia, Eric, and Dexter were among the guests (Helen was invited but couldn't make it). The idea of the party was to have drinks and play games before the monthly dance night we all go to. It went quite well, a good mix of people all enjoying each other's company. Gia and I finally did something we'd been talking about for a while -- she sat in a chair, in the middle of the living room amongst our friends, while I knelt at her feet and cleaned, oiled, and polished her shoes. It was a kink thing and a practical thing combined. We both *greatly* enjoyed the experience. :)

It took longer than we'd expected, though, and we missed about an hour of club-time. Eric went ahead without us, having come in a separate car. Almost more than the experience itself, I relished knowing that she didn't mind missing time at the club in order to do something special with me (this particular club night is very important to her, for a host of reasons, and normally she's loathe to miss out on any of it).

At the club I drank a little, danced a little, and then Gia mentioned that, if I'd like to see Helen get slapped (she knows I love face slapping), I could ask Eric to do it -- apparently he'd been hitting her all night (er, I know that might sound messed up if you're not a kinky person, but it was all completely consensual, trust me). I thought to myself that what I'd really like was for him to slap *me* (then why didn't I just ASK, oh yeah, fear of rejection, sigh), but, nonetheless, I went over to where they were, in a little back corner on a couch with some other friends, and made the request... I did actually quite want to see it.

I should preface all this by mentioning that, from a post Gia made on her blog a couple of weeks ago, I know that both she and Eric have determined that, while they don't want to change the very casual and undefined nature of either relationship, they're in love with their new OSO's -- she with Dexter, he with Helen.

I was only a little surprised, it'd already been clear for some time that they both like them quite a lot. I was VERY glad that I'd finally stepped up and told Eric that I loved him before reading that, I think it would have been awful to know that he loved her if I'd never confessed my feelings to him. As it was, I accepted it with more equanimity than I would have expected.

Anyway. I wasn't prepared for what faced me when I reached Eric and Helen. It quickly became clear they've moved from having a hint of D/s in their interactions to a full-blown Dom/sub relationship paradigm, and that they were taking advantage of the atmosphere of the club to show it off proudly. At my request, Eric did indeed slap her. He also pulled down her jeans to show me some sizable bruises on her ass, ordered her around, called her a "good girl". She seemed to be in a daze of happiness.

I was, on the one hand, veeery much enjoying the spectacle and, on the other hand, jealous and ill at ease to see her, loved by the man I've long wanted to love me, getting what I've always wanted to get from someone with whom I'm in a loving relationship.

While Gia and I are exploring kink, we still haven't gotten to quite the level of easy power exchange that the two of them were exhibiting, largely because she's still hesitant to take charge in such a complete way. While Harry would have been happy to play that role for me, I didn't love him, and didn't want to go there with him. While Davis and I have lots of fun kinky aspects to our sexual dynamic, neither of us have ever wanted to take it into the rest of our relationship. And so, while kink has been in my life for a long time, it hasn't yet played out for me in the way I was seeing unfold before me.

Still, I was holding it together fine until Gia came up and smacked Helen lightly on the ass. Being in a relationship with him as well as her, and getting co-dommed by them, has long been THE thing that I've wanted most and have reconciled myself to not having. It was just a little thing, a quick smack. It didn't cut me the way seeing Eric fondle Gia had cut me the week before, but the feeling of unease increased. I decided it would be better to get myself out of the situation.

I left the club and walked quickly away in a random direction. It's hard to describe the state I was in. I was calm, on the one hand. There was nothing in me that was deeply and desperately keening -- I've been in that sort of state before and this was definitely not that -- I felt a bit off balance but I was really ok. On the other hand, I wanted some release, I wanted to get my feelings out, I wanted to purge the lingering resentment and sadness and jealousy.

So I kicked things as I walked, I punched a wall, I cursed, I found a quiet corner of a park and curled up on a bench and yelled at the sky. To anyone watching, it would have looked as if I were going through something much more dramatic than what I actually felt. But, for whatever reason, it was what I needed. I walked back feeling stronger, bigger, and better than I did when I'd gotten to the club, if perhaps still a little wired and weird.

(splitting this into two posts because it's too long)
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
(continued from the previous post)

Back at the club, I got onto the dance floor once more. Eddie bought me a drink and I ended up getting more tipsy than I'd intended, verging on drunk. Dexter and I danced together. It wasn't the first time we've danced together, but it was more charged than it's been in the past. It's funny, I'm not attracted to Dexter, per se. Physically, he's not at all my type. I wouldn't ever have gone for him as a romantic partner, either, he's a little too quiet and self-effacing for me... but seeing him and Gia together has really brought out his positive qualities for me. I've gotten to see sides of him I never would have guessed at, and they're sides I quite admire and like. So, kissing him wasn't something I was intending, it was a surprise, and yet there we were, and that's what we were doing. It didn't quite make sense to me on one level, and yet it didn't feel wrong in the least.

I forget, actually, who suggested it, but either Dexter or I suggested that we -- Gia, Dexter, and me -- ought to go back to my place. Gia eagerly accepted the proposition (to my surprise -- note what I said above about her relishing her time at the club). We piled into Dexter's car and in no time at all we were in my room.

At first it seemed like the encounter would be exactly what I would have expected, which was for Dexter and me to both focus on Gia, with relatively limited direct interaction between he and I. We took turns, one of us pleasuring her while the other kissed her. It was clear she was in heaven. But then she smiled at me and said that I needed some attention, and she moved down and started making love to me with her mouth. The sensation was immensely enjoyable, of course, but what really made it special to me was just that she was doing it. That she wanted to do it. She hasn't done that in so long, I've thought that perhaps she just doesn't like my genitals enough to engage with them in that way any more. But she was enthusiastic, she was good, she took her time, and it felt like something lifted off of my shoulders at last. And I was kissing Dexter all the while, and he's a very good kisser, as it turns out. :D

I won't go into all of the details, but suffice to say that all three of us had our worlds well and truly rocked over the course of a couple of hours. Dexter is a VERY talented man, which is all the more fun coming from someone so unassuming and inexperienced and sweet. In fact, he's so good at certain things that a part of me started to feel rather inadequate. It was just as I feared when I posted above about being concerned that I would make comparisons. "I mean, no wonder she wants him more than me," I thought to myself, "he's really something. Listen to those sounds she's making, has she *ever* made sounds quite like that with me? And hey, while we're on the topic of insecurity, did you notice how eager she was to leave the club to come back here? How come she's never taken the opportunity to leave early before in order to be with JUST you... why are you not worth it on your own?" Annoyed at myself, I shoved the thoughts out of my brain. Here I was, getting soooo many things that I liked so very very much, why not just focus and enjoy it??

Gia bit and sucked on my neck, leaving two big, angry red marks, which I simply adored. She called me hers. We told each other over and over and over again that we loved each other. In retrospect, I didn't hear her say that to Dexter, I think perhaps she hasn't told him yet how she feels. If he felt left out, though, he showed no sign whatsoever. On the contrary, he seemed to almost glow with enjoyment.

All in all, it was a crazy night. Lows, highs. Nothing at all I regret. In the afterglow, my insecurities felt silly -- so what, he's good at sex, haven't I given her plenty of orgasms? Damn right I have. Sure, she made some intense sounds, well hey I probably did too, the boy is just good at what he does, give him credit. And hey, I'll learn from the things he did, I'll get better than I was before, it's a good thing. So what, she left the club early, didn't she get to the club late because she was sharing a special time with me? Damn right she did. And hey, has she ever left the club early to be JUST with him? Nope. So why on earth be bothered? Just, let it be, let it be, enjoy a good thing. I was exhausted by that point, just completely worn out mentally and physically. Sleep came quickly, the bed crowded with warm bodies.

Gia left just before dawn. Dexter napped with me in my bed for a couple more hours, then left as well. I slept for a few more hours, then woke up and grinned lazily at the stains on my sheets.

As a postscript, it would seem that Gia and Eric are experiencing some tension over the D/s twist that his relationship with Helen has taken. She's concerned that he's not taking it seriously enough and not being safe enough, and also that he's not running things by Gia before doing them as much as she'd like.

On some points I definitely agree with her, on others I think she's struggling with jealousy and perhaps being harder on him than necessary because of it. I mean, does she run everything she does with me by him before doing it?? I certainly don't think so. Of course, it's hard to say from the outside who's right or who's wrong on any given point within a relationship as complex and as constant as a marriage. I gave her some advice, they're talking it out, I think (hope!!) they'll be fine.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Little things to note --

Gia loved the way I looked in my clubbing outfit, and did not at all try to hide from me her enjoyment of my appearance.

When I was working on her boots before we went out, at one point she had Dex come over and rub her shoulders. He's not a sub, as far as I'm aware, but regardless, it felt a lot like co-subbing, and co-subbing is helllaaa hot. I know that Gia knows this is something I'm interested in.

Two different people at the club mentioned bootblacking to me, so I know Gia was talking about the job I'd done on her boots. :) :) :)

Today she sent me a link to a fetish toy that she knows I'm interested in, to suggest that maybe we could get it.

When I get wrapped up in worry and frustration, when I'm lacking confidence in our connection, I sometimes get so tense about things that it's like I almost don't even see these little, wonderful moments that would otherwise be so encouraging and pleasant. This post is to remind myself to savor the small things!
 
Sounds like an enjoyable evening :p I just want to point out (I mean you're pointing it out to yourself a lot in these last couple of posts but I don't know if you really "see" it) that maybe Gia is responding in this way because you backed off and didn't pressure her. It sounds like you're getting some of the things you hoped for and even some things you didn't have to ask for. Stress about details and negative thoughts about comparisons and dwelling on what you aren't getting... sounds like what I do - but we both know it's not useful.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about kink lately, and your blog has been hitting home. I very strongly desire to have more of a D/s dynamic with one of my partners but I don't think it will ever be more than an occasional and minor part of our relationship, it's just not his thing. The longing to have that with a particular person can be overwhelming at times, which I hadn't really realized until recently. I keep finding myself cheer leading for you to get what you want!
 

fuchka

Active member
Adventurous turns, Annabel! Nothing particular to add/contribute, beyond a thanks again for continuing to share your story, the wild and gentle pulses
 

Mya

Member
Adventurous turns, Annabel! Nothing particular to add/contribute, beyond a thanks again for continuing to share your story, the wild and gentle pulses

I was about to say something similar, but fuchka said it so well that I'm just agreeing with her. I love reading your stories!
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
@Anne -- Thank you, it never hurts to be reminded of that sort of thing, it really is so easy to slip into the wrong mindset about it.

And yeah, getting what you want with one person never seems to be able to take the place of getting it from someone else you badly want it from. I've been witnessing this with Gia and Eric. She has a yen for submission from her partners. She has that from me, moreso than she's always ready to accept. She does not have it at all from Eric, and it continues to pain her. When he manages to yield enough to give it to her just a little, it means the world to her. My submission is a gift she cherishes to the extent she's able, but it doesn't make up for the lack of it from him.

Thanks for the cheers! :D

@Fuchka & Mya -- Ooh, "the wild and gentle pulses". I like it. And you're welcome, thank YOU, this is a very important thing for me, to be able to get this all out, and knowing that people are reading it and enjoying it makes me that much more likely to actually do it.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Things that make you realize that you're a bit of a slut: when you count the number of non-overlapping threesomes you've been in, and it's more than the number of individual people your gf has been with EVER. And your gf currently has three partners.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Gia and I went to the gym together last night and did an excellent yoga class together. At the end, we meditated. I find that when I meditate after physical exertion, my mind is particularly clear. It's a very nice thing generally, but sometimes having a blank mind means things can slip in that you were trying not to think about. I've cried before during post-yoga meditation.

It happened again this time, tears silently slipping down my cheeks. Not a gross, congesting, convulsing crying jag, but a quiet, open, contemplative sort of release. A mourning.

I was thinking about how I used the idea that Gia wasn't very interested in sex as a crutch to make things easier, which was a mistake. And about how I'd done the exact same thing with Eric on an emotional level. I'd told myself he just wasn't wired to love anyone but Gia, and that was why he simply saw me as a friend. Now, with Helen as with Dexter, once again the crutch is being kicked away and I've got to stand on my own two feet.

I wiped my eyes before we sat up, and I don't think Gia saw any tears. But I suddenly frowned as the last of the emotion hit me, and she asked if something was wrong. I said no, but she asked again. "I just have some things on my mind," I told her.

Shortly thereafter, in the sauna, I admitted that it had been hard for me, learning about Eric's feeling for Helen. She told me that he's not sure how he feels, but that he's open to discovering that it's love. I can hardly begrudge him that, I thought to myself. She went on to talk about the gf they'd once mutually dated, Jen, and how she had, without Gia's knowledge, been downright emotionally abusive to him for a time. Had demanded that he dissect his feelings for her, yelled at him when they didn't match her desires, threatened suicide on multiple occasions and left all sorts of scars and sore spots on his heart. I'd known a lot of that, not necessarily all.

I'm not trying to trade one crutch for another, but... well, I can certainly understand why he wouldn't want to develop feelings for his wife's next gf. Maybe it was easier to relax with someone he was seeing independently, someone he'd have more ability to keep at arm's length if need be. Argh, why do I always need to strive to *understand*? Just let it be.

Anyway, it was a good night, all in all. I feel like I'm processing this in a way that makes sense for me. The four of us (G, E, B, and I) hung out together afterwards and had dinner. It didn't hurt to see him or idly chat with him. It's funny how something can hurt and not hurt at the same.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
So, this thread just dredged up every insecurity I've ever had about being in a secondary relationship with someone who has a primary partner (I don't mean to call anyone out, but it's much simpler to link to the thread than to explain all the nuances).

I messaged Eric right away and said "Hey, feel free, by the way, to tell me if I'm ever overstaying my welcome, like if I come to do one thing and end up staying all night, like I often do, and you'd actually rather just hang with Gia. I won't be offended. :)" And he was like "Aw, it's cool of you to check in, but don't worry, that's not been the case at all, and I'd totally tell you if it ever were."

*sigh of relief*

My people are the best people.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
So, this thread just dredged up every insecurity I've ever had about being in a secondary relationship with someone who has a primary partner (I don't mean to call anyone out, but it's much simpler to link to the thread than to explain all the nuances).

My people are the best people.

Yeah, that thread is making me sad too. I think I have to stop reading it.

I'm really enjoying your blog, by the way. I'm very inspired by the way you process your emotions (i.e. releasing anger by yourself, in a way that would look like a crazy person to observers, which allows you to feel it and move past it).
 
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AnnabelMore

Active member
Yeah, that thread is making me sad too. I think I have to stop reading it.

I'm really enjoying your blog, by the way. I'm very inspired by the way you process your emotions (i.e. releasing anger by yourself, in a way that would look like a crazy person to observers, which allows you to feel it and move past it).

Thanks! :)

I actually hesitated to post any of that here. There's an urge in me sometimes to just talk about the good stuff and downplay anything negative. I try always to ignore that urge... I mean, if I can't be honest here, where can I be honest? It's more of a struggle in my real life.

I've chosen not to make theater my career, but I did study it for a good while, and I still perform from time to time. As such, I feel like I'm a decently good actor. Combine that with not being prone to speaking before I think, and the end result is that if I want to act like I'm not upset about something, it's almost never a problem to do so.

On the one hand, that leads to really good things, like being able to not cause drama in the club and instead walk away and work shit out for myself. I agree, that was the right way to handle that, and it's really nice to know you found inspiration in it. :) If I hadn't been able to find some way to get past what I was feeling in the moment, which I knew objectively was unfair anyway, I couldn't have gone on to have the amazing experience that I did with Gia and Dex.

There's a way in which the idea of causing drama is seductive. If I just blew up, everyone would see how strong I'd been up until then, Eric would know how strongly I feel about him, my feelings would be front and center and everyone would care. :rolleyes: Yeah right. If there are things that I would benefit from talking about, I can talk about them rationally, in a way that doesn't hide my feelings but doesn't make anyone feel terrible and doesn't ultimately drive them away from me. Everyone DOES care. Seeing me act foolish will NOT magically make Eric love me. Get outta here, fleeting and perverse occasional desire to raise hell.

Of course, the dark side of having fairly good control over your reactions is that it's completely possible to wait way, way too long to say something, and/or to downplay the intensity of your feelings when you do get around to talking about them. The thread that we've both been referencing is a prime example of why not to do that. I try to keep an eye on myself and do that as little as I can manage, especially knowing, as I mentioned above, that I like to focus on the positive and tend sometimes to downplay/dismiss the negative. Blogging here helps keep me honest with myself, so to speak.
 
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AnnabelMore

Active member
What, how did this happen.

Ahhhhhhhh, so, this weekend it'd been a month since my formal split from Davis, so I went ahead and updated my OKC profile, not intending to do anything with it per se, just to update it. But then I happened to find a cute, smart, musically-inclined, queer kinky poly somewhat-genderqueer guy who's a ridiculously good match with me by OKC's algorithms. I messaged him, and now we have a coffee date next week, how did this happen, I don't go on dates with strangers, not ever, I just hook up with my friends or occasionally really cool people I meet at parties and sometimes it turns into a relationship, what even, dates with a stranger from the internet, what. He told me today that his partner was teasing him about being excited about the date, seems like a good sign.

We have, like, a dozen or so mutual acquaintances, as it turns out, which would've been frankly shocking if it weren't the case, this being a fairly small city with a tight-knit community of weirdos, so at least I'm not worried that he's going to put something in my coffee and ferry me away to axe-murder/rape me. Axe murder is a hard limit for me.

Mya, I feel like our lives are weirdly parallel. :D Not to jinx it, but I can only hope things work out as crazy well for me as they did for you.
 
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