A new story —
About 9 years ago now, I was in a show where I ended up making a bunch of new friends in my local theater scene (including my bf Pike
). One of them, with whom I worked closely, was a particularly sweet-hearted, wiry boy named Sammy. Another, with whom I had much less contact, was an aloof, witchy artist named Nora. I had a mild crush on Sammy from the beginning. Nora I always greatly admired but found a bit intimidating at first. In time, I saw that she was actually extremely kind-hearted herself, but with a steel behind it. The kind of person who's quiet because they're always watching, always ready to step in to try to make a situation better as needed.
Sammy and Nora started dating not long after I met them. In 2019, they helped officiate at a friend's wedding, wearing the coolest outfits, looking like magical woodland creatures. We all partied and camped overnight at the site of the wedding. At one point in the wee hours, Sammy and I ended up cuddling on a blanket under a tree. It was an incredibly pure and sweet experience, just enjoying the closeness of being very warm platonic friends. It's not like I was lying there pining, I was just enjoying the moment.
After, though, a thought occurred — what if we did that again, but kissed next time? That would be nice. Really nice. And actually, if Nora wanted to join us, that would be even nicer. Heck, the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I liked her just as much, if differently, than I liked Sammy. I rolled the thought around in my head for a few days before deciding to act (practically a whim in the scheme of how much I tend to overthink things).
I messaged the two of them, explained that I respected our friendships and their relationship and so of course a "no" would be no problem for me, but would they like to fool around or do kink stuff together (or separately) some time? I took the frankness with which Eric had once approached me as my guide. They saw the message immediately but didn't respond for an agonizingly-long three hours. When Sammy did write back it was to say how flattered and appreciative they were, but that they weren't sure they were ready to branch out (I happened to know that they had tried poly before and been burned).
No problem! I smiled to myself about it, pleased with my daring and with the fact that it hadn't gone over poorly. I told myself that I would respect their wishes perfectly and not flirt, and that maybe, just maybe, they would change their minds with time. My desire would be a fun secret between the three of us (and my other partners, of course, who I told of my proposition to them).
Then covid hit and upended my life for a minute as my job duties shifted radically. I focused everything I had on that. Sammy and Nora remained a fantasy in my mind, something to think about in my private time (if ya know what I mean), a reminder of pre-pandemic (and maybe post-pandemic?) possibilities. I didn't see them or hear much about them, as they weren't active on social media.
Then came summer 2021, and suddenly our friends were holding parties again (albeit outdoor ones). I attended one party where I had a warm and personal conversation with Sammy, then saw Nora be the only person to step up to try to deal with a sticky, potentially-dangerous interpersonal situation that arose with an asshole who should've been kicked out of all of our lives long ago (and was after that, I'm happy to say). I felt this yearning for them and realized I was falling for real. At the last moment, as I was leaving, I passed Nora and impulsively asked her if she'd like to get coffee some time and talk. She said yes!!!
...and then proceeded to ignore the text I sent the next day with my availability. ;_; I saw them again a month later at another party. Again, I only spoke up at the very end, as we were all leaving. It was random that Nora and I even ended up talking to each other there in those last moments (or maybe it wasn't, maybe she came up to me very intentionally?). Once again, I managed to grate out my question — "Hey by the way, did you get my text?" Immediately apologetic, she said that she had but that she had just been so busy. I said I understood (I did not :'-/).
I made a playlist full of longing songs about them. And then I heard that Nora was in the hospital with a mysterious but very dangerous condition caused at least in part by overwork. I felt guilty as hell for having wanted so badly for her to give me some of her time when she was in fact so busy that she'd nearly worked herself to death.
A mutual friend, Eleanor (with whom I also feel a strong flirty vibe, but that's another story) started a letter-writing campaign to boost Nora's spirits during her recovery. Eleanor encouraged me to write to Nora about healing. What I wrote ended up reading very much like a love letter. I think it was in the course of writing it that I truly fell for her. I had to think about and articulate exactly what I liked about her so much, and it just made me feel it all the more deeply. At the last minute I put a pin with a moon and stars on it in with the card and added a PS saying it reminded me of her.
The next time I saw Nora and Sammy, the first time I'd encountered them since Nora's hospitalization, was about a week after I'd sent the letter, at yet another party (what can I say, we have fun). I felt extremely nervous about the fact that I didn't know whether or not she'd read the letter yet. I kept it casual, mostly staying away from them until Nora and I naturally ended up in the same space at the same time, at which point I asked her, very neutrally, how she was recovering. We talked calmly about it.
Shortly thereafter I stepped into another space at the party, looking for an item I'd lost. Sammy was there by himself. I stammered that I was just there because I was looking for something and then immediately turned from him to search, knowing how badly I'd exposed my raw feelings. He tried to help me look and then commented on my item positively once I'd found it, trying to spark a conversation perhaps, but I just couldn't handle it and walked quickly away, not quite fleeing but still intensely aware of how obvious I was being.
When they were leaving, I positioned myself in Nora's path for a hug. As I waited for her to approach, I chatted casually with Sammy and another friend, having regained my composure (or so I thought). I was smiling mildly, my face a mask. But I let the mask slip... I grinned more widely at one point, realized how unnatural that must look under the circumstances, dropped my expression entirely and went flat for just a moment (my lack of control over my face a dead giveaway for how fucked up I was feeling), then put back on the mild smile. I think Sammy noticed and that, as a fellow actor, he probably knew exactly what it all meant.
I saw them next about a month after that, at a show. Nora was happy to see me, warm, something apologetic in her manner. She asked if she could hug me. "Uh, please?" I said, and she did. She thanked me for the card and the pin and told me she'd be writing me back soon. I didn't believe her, after all the silence I'd received from them so far, so I just smiled and said "ok" and appreciated the thought. She did not in fact write me back.
(continued)
My sympathies.