the story of a secondary

AnnabelMore

Active member
Actually, I did speculate recently on where the sadomasochistic tendencies come from and I was l was quite pleased with what I wrote, so I'll paste it below as a sidebar for anyone interested —

If you're getting into the "why" of it, kink is complicated! On the one hand, I think that it's natural to link sex with control. Letting go of control with someone can be so powerful, and can be so hard to do. I think it's natural too to link pleasure and pain. Both run on the same systems, both are intense and physical and can blot out thought and provoke emotional reactions.

At the same time, I think that our society is pathologically violent and hierarchical, and that these tendencies too can get naturally wrapped up with sex for many of us. Further, our society is traumatizing, and that trauma can get wrapped up in what we respond to sexually. Kink that derives from such factors can be harmful, neutral, or profoundly fun and even healing, depending on how it's handled.

Stemming from the above, I think it's no coincidence that the kink scene is so queer. Our identities have been so pathologized and shamed that for many of us, kink is a necessary pathway to understanding and exploring ourselves. In order to allow ourselves to break free from repression we need to be restrained. In order to allow ourselves to be seen we need to be masked. In order to finally choose what we want, we first need to hand over our will. And all that too is valid.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Diagnose me as someone seeking a loving triad with a man and a woman because I wanted that desperately as a child but couldn't have it… as someone who seeks out men who don't treat me lovingly over those who do because of how messed up my early relationship with my dad was… as someone who seeks out people who are deeply wounded and depressive and tries to heal/save them because I've never dealt with my fear and grief about the possibility of losing my mom to suicide…

But y'know, when it comes to my love of threesomes and really analyzing the root of it? Fuck, they're just so good tho. ;_; I mean, with people who are really good at it and who you really like, at least. Have you ever been there? Have you ever been sandwiched between two people you love who are both dedicated to driving you wild? The ecstasy and overload of that? The surprises, the newness each time, the playfulness, the laughter, the sensuality, the taking turns, the teamwork, the glances, the heat, the pleasure, how long it can go on. The fucking love, even if it wasn't reflected back to me the way I wanted equally at the time, the love I felt, how beautiful they were, painfully beautiful.

And then you add to that the service thing. The submission thing. Is that just a thing about me? Is it born of trauma? Does it matter? The point is that it's there, it's always been there, it's part of my core urges. I think it was Gia's tendencies towards sadism and dominance that drew it out so strongly from me with her. Not that she was ever cruel to me, but even as she was being kind she had a playfulness layered over this underlying wickedness, this desire to press, to see what she could get away with, that intoxicated me. I wanted, needed, to give her all the room she wanted to press away.

I think I also saw the need in her, the deep well of sadness, and wanted, needed, to fill it, in that way I so often do with people (I am working on this). And to wrap that urge to serve her up with the love and the sex, how perfect, how sublime! How addictive. And when I couldn't get my hit any more, I suffered.

You asked, Magdlyn, "why this constant yearning for more, and never getting it, was even OK with you, satisfying, confirming in some way" and that part? Truly I never anticipated or wanted that part, the part where she stopped being attracted to me. I mean, she ate me out and fucked me so many times, SO MANY times over the course of that first year and a half before the pregnancy and before the blog… there's a reason it took a long time for me to truly wrap my head around the idea that she could possibly not be dying to restart such activities and that I'd have to live with that. I didn't find it satisfying or confirming at all, I found it devastating and unbearable and I almost walked away as a result. But love is stronger than desire, and this relationship's continued life and vitality is proof.

Probably yet more to come.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks for your response to my thoughts! I'm working now but I'll read and get back to you soon! <3
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Diagnose me as someone seeking a loving triad with a man and a woman because I wanted that desperately as a child but couldn't have it… as someone who seeks out men who don't treat me lovingly over those who do because of how messed up my early relationship with my dad was… as someone who seeks out people who are deeply wounded and depressive and tries to heal/save them because I've never dealt with my fear and grief about the possibility of losing my mom to suicide…


I think you're speaking tongue-in-cheek. I'm not trying to diagnose you. I just got curious along the way, not so much about the desire for threesome sex per se, but about the loving and yearning for the distant unable-to-give lover, and the disdain for the available one.
But y'know, when it comes to my love of threesomes and really analyzing the root of it? Fuck, they're just so good tho. ;_; I mean, with people who are really good at it and who you really like, at least. Have you ever been there? Have you ever been sandwiched between two people you love who are both dedicated to driving you wild? The ecstasy and overload of that? The surprises, the newness each time, the playfulness, the laughter, the sensuality, the taking turns, the teamwork, the glances, the heat, the pleasure, how long it can go on. The fucking love, even if it wasn't reflected back to me the way I wanted equally at the time, the love I felt, how beautiful they were, painfully beautiful.
I've had a few threesomes/foursomes, but unfortunately the majority were not with people who were experienced at them, so they were unfulfilling for me. They were FMF or FFF or FFFM, and one MFM. The FFF was good and the MFM was great. The overwhelm is interesting, but the weirdness, the psychological ramifications of the moving parts have the potential to be too hard/painful so I don't seek them out. I can get plenty of exciting overwhelm, playfulness, sensuality, glances, heat, longevity from one-on-one sex/BDSM kink with the right person, after all. I don't really need the teamwork aspect. But I'm not one for dungeons or seeking or wanting to be in an audience either.

Not that there's anything wrong with that! YKINMKATOK.
And then you add to that the service thing. The submission thing. Is that just a thing about me? Is it born of trauma? Does it matter? The point is that it's there, it's always been there, it's part of my core urges. I think it was Gia's tendencies towards sadism and dominance that drew it out so strongly from me with her. Not that she was ever cruel to me, but even as she was being kind she had a playfulness layered over this underlying wickedness, this desire to press, to see what she could get away with, that intoxicated me. I wanted, needed, to give her all the room she wanted to press away.
I guess, for me, I didn't see her sadistic wickedness much in your prior writings. I saw it as she was a baby domme and was just dabbling at your insistence, to be kind. So thanks for explaining.

I'm a pain slut so I have no problem with people who want to be tied up and beaten, pinched, humiliated, ordered around, bitten, slapped punched, etc., that's for sure! The endorphins are great! And I'm pretty much a perfect switch, so I like dealing it out too. Not to mention, floaty glowy aftercare is out of this world.
I think I also saw the need in her, the deep well of sadness, and wanted, needed, to fill it, in that way I so often do with people (I am working on this). And to wrap that urge to serve her up with the love and the sex, how perfect, how sublime! How addictive. And when I couldn't get my hit any more, I suffered.

You asked, Magdlyn, "why this constant yearning for more, and never getting it, was even OK with you, satisfying, confirming in some way" and that part? Truly I never anticipated or wanted that part, the part where she stopped being attracted to me. I mean, she ate me out and fucked me so many times, SO MANY times over the course of that first year and a half before the pregnancy and before the blog… there's a reason it took a long time for me to truly wrap my head around the idea that she could possibly not be dying to restart such activities and that I'd have to live with that. I didn't find it satisfying or confirming at all, I found it devastating and unbearable and I almost walked away as a result. But love is stronger than desire, and this relationship's continued life and vitality is proof.

Probably yet more to come.
It's sad that she and Eric only fucked you well in the first force of NRE, and then it all faded away with time and baby. :( My sympathies.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
I think you're speaking tongue-in-cheek. I'm not trying to diagnose you. I just got curious along the way, not so much about the desire for threesome sex per se, but about the loving and yearning for the distant unable-to-give lover, and the disdain for the available one.
Half tongue in cheek, half serious, talking more to myself than to you there really. I've always known it was probably worth investigating how my childhood factors into my life today, but I haven't done it much before, even when I did go to therapy. So it was useful to really think about it, and I'm genuinely grateful for the prompt. I think the "diagnoses" I wrote above could be describing causative factors in some ways, or could just be correlative.

As for my disdain for the available lover... I'm honestly not sure if that's a real thing for me or if it's particular to Davis and the frictions we've faced (we went through a LOT of emotional upheaval together during our transition from mono to poly and it colored everything that came after). Maybe it's just because he's been closer to me than anyone else, and familiarity can breed contempt. Pike has almost never made me feel anything but wanted and like he's present for me, and I've never disdained his company. But then, he's also never tried to be my one-and-only(-plus-Gia), which I found felt stifling with Davis.

It's only in more recent years that I feel like all that old baggage between me and Davis has been fully addressed and healed as best it can be, and it's that more than anything that corresponds to my body and heart reopening to him more fully.

I've had a few threesomes/foursomes, but unfortunately the majority were not with people who were experienced at them, so they were unfulfilling for me. They were FMF or FFF or FFFM, and one MFM. The FFF was good and the MFM was great. The overwhelm is interesting, but the weirdness, the psychological ramifications of the moving parts have the potential to be too hard/painful so I don't seek them out. I can get plenty of exciting overwhelm, playfulness, sensuality, glances, heat, longevity from one-on-one sex/BDSM kink with the right person, after all. I don't really need the teamwork aspect. But I'm not one for dungeons or seeking or wanting to be in an audience either.
As I was writing about all the wonderful things about threesome sex, I was thinking that good dyad sex can certainly have all those features too.

And I'm lucky enough to actually still have both types in my life these days! As of about six months ago, Pike and I have been hooking up together with my best friend from high school, Lilah, and while the chemistry wasn't quite right on our first try, since then it's been amaaaaziiing. All the more fun bc she and I briefly dated in high school but she was functionally asexual at the time (me and sexually unavailable women.......) but we stayed close, and to my great surprise, she's now the one who keeps suggesting times for us to get into bed together!

I'm definitely something of an exhibitionist/voyeur, so that is indeed a factor for me.

(Hope you get to experience something like the MFM threesome again some day, if you'd like to!)
Not that there's anything wrong with that! YKINMKATOK.

I guess, for me, I didn't see her sadistic wickedness much in your prior writings. I saw it as she was a baby domme and was just dabbling at your insistence, to be kind. So thanks for explaining.
Yeah, I guess I never really got into that much. While I do describe things about my lovers as it's relevant, I've tried to keep the focus more on me, rather than gossiping too much about them in such a way that they might feel overly-revealed if they ever found this blog (if one of you is reading this... hi, hope you're not annoyed at me). But without a doubt, Gia is a capital-S sadist. I'm proud to have helped her bring that desire out of her mind and into the flesh. :)
I'm a pain slut so I have no problem with people who want to be tied up and beaten, pinched, humiliated, ordered around, bitten, slapped punched, etc., that's for sure! The endorphins are great! And I'm pretty much a perfect switch, so I like dealing it out too. Not to mention, floaty glowy aftercare is out of this world.

It's sad that she and Eric only fucked you well in the first force of NRE, and then it all faded away with time and baby. :( My sympathies.
Thank you. I really see it as a tragedy that both she and I shared. You have to understand that she tried, over and over. She really did, I saw and felt and experienced how hard she tried to keep giving me that energy. But her orientation changed, I truly think it was a hormonal thing to do with the pregnancy. I've seen it happen to people before when they start hormone therapy. We stopped being sexually compatible. Layer onto that the intense anxiety she already dealt with around sex, her exhaustion with being a new mom, the fact that she felt pressured by me and reacts poorly to that, the fact that's she's demisexual and didn't know it at the time... it was a mess. And then I stopped trying.

As an allosexual non-binary bisexual, it burned me bitterly and was extremely hard to understand how she could want me more or less on the basis of my sex, but... the fact is, she was fully bisexual all her life, and then she was still biamorous but almost exclusively heterosexual. Which fucking sucked for her too and was very difficult for her to grasp too. There was that ONE time I wrote about when she wanted to hook up with a female friend along with Eric and I was all jealous, but it turned out to be a complete bust, she didn't have fun at all. Which makes it all the more striking that she DID still have fun with me when we did manage to get together.

As for Eric, to be fair to him, you couldn't call it NRE in his case since he was always so clear and straightforward that he saw us only as FWB's. It was a mutual decision between he and I not to seek out dyad sex between the two of us after a certain point post-Bee, since it could provoke sadnesses/jealousies/insecurities in Gia (she and he were also having sexual problems, as new parents do) and while we enjoyed each other, we didn't need each other like that.

So yeah, it's sad and it was hard, but... I have very mixed feelings about the idea that Gia (setting Eric aside, where I feel he belongs if we're talking about my relationships) "didn't give me what I deserved", y'know? Because she couldn't. I guess if you do a job for someone and they literally can't pay you, that doesn't mean you don't deserve the pay. But the primary currency between us wasn't sex, in the end, it was love, and that we did/do still continue to exchange vigorously. 💜
 
Last edited:

AnnabelMore

Active member
Rather than being sorry for myself these days about it all, I feel lucky. :) The pain was worth it because it feels like it all translated to growth, and because what I have now as a result is so precious that I would kill or die for it if, heaven forefend, ever so called upon. So I was frustrated for a time (as were we all, in our ways, probably no one moreso than Gia, for a myriad of reasons that persist). That's life.

I love having lived the knowledge that a mono cis-het person like Davis CAN love a poly non-binary person like me and understand/accept them and not need them to change, and vice versa, and that an allosexual bisexual person like me CAN love a demisexual heterosexual(ish) person like Gia and understand/accept them and not need them to change, and vice versa.
 

fuchka

Active member
Woah, these posts! And here I was excited that you posted one update @AnnabelMore but it's like you're baaack! But now, in convo with Mags, wot. I'm picturing you both up on a stage in comfy chairs wearing clip on mics, with a table in-between holding a carafe of water and two tumblers.

Nothing to add as such. Just here to say that I found these very interesting to read.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
I'm picturing you both up on a stage in comfy chairs wearing clip on mics, with a table in-between holding a carafe of water and two tumblers.

Nothing to add as such. Just here to say that I found these very interesting to read.
Haha yes love that! A "where are they now" type interview.

I'm very glad to hear you've enjoyed them, they've been very interesting to write!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I just appreciate that Anna was willing to dig deeper into the psychology of being drawn to threesomes and continuing a romantic (mostly) non-sexual relationship with a formerly-bi-but-now-pretty-much-straight married woman. Thank you for sharing such personal insights.

I have a slightly similar situation in that my dear partner Pixi, who is female, but was born with a male-appearing body, had just started hormones (estrogen, etc.) when we met 13 years ago. She was definitely much more sexual when her T-levels were higher. That, combined with her anxiety and ADHD, and a physical disability in her arms (often painful) makes her libido extremely variable. So I have to be quite patient with her, despite finding her so attractive, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most of the time in the past couple years she has been more up for kisses and cuddling than anything but the most basic and infrequent actual sex.

I am so glad I am polyamorous and can date men with straight-forward strong sex drives. My present boyfriend Aries is a gift from heaven. (Not just sexually, but the sex is incredible.)

I am glad you're drawing a boundary around not going dancing with Gia. It sounds so frustrating that she'll get all sexed up in public on the dance floor and then not follow through. I maybe guess the beats and the entrainment with the others releases some of her anxiety that prevents her from feeling sexual when it's just the two of you. Hmm...
 
Last edited:

AnnabelMore

Active member
I just appreciate that Anna was willing to dig deeper into the psychology of being drawn to threesomes and continuing a romantic (mostly) non-sexual relationship with a formerly-bi-but-now-pretty-much-straight married woman. Thank you for sharing such personal insights.

I have a slightly similar situation in that my partner, who is female, but was born with a male-appearing body, had just started hormones (estrogen, etc.) when we met 13 years ago. She was definitely much more sexual when her T-levels were higher. That, combined with her anxiety and ADHD, and a physical disability in her arms (often painful) makes her libido extremely variable. So I have to be quite patient with her, despite finding her so attractive, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most of the time in the past couple years she is more up for kisses and cuddling than anything but the most basic and infrequent actual sex.

I am so glad I am polyamorous and can date men with strong sex drives. My present boyfriend Aries is a gift from heaven. (Not just sexually, but the sex is incredible.)

I am glad you're drawing a boundary around not going dancing with Gia. It sounds so frustrating that she'll get all sexed up in public on the dance floor and then not follow through. I maybe guess the beats and the entrainment with the others releases some of her anxiety that prevents her from feeling sexual when it's just the two of you. Hmm...
💜💜💜💜 I so feel you!!!

With the dancing thing, it's kinda complicated and personal but suffice to say it's a group of people and a place where she feels she can unmask more fully than anywhere else that isn't a fully private space. It makes sense in its full context, in an interesting way.

But yeah, gotta have some kind of protection for your own heart, and I think by now it's very clear to her what my reticence to attend means. It's a good low-key way I can assert myself while not doing anything to put pressure on her.

We have a date scheduled for tomorrow night. :)
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Also meant to say — entrainment is a great word I hadn't encountered before!
 
Top