the story of a secondary

So glad to read your update! Between this and Phy's twins, it made my day :)

I too can no longer read beyond the titles of the problems in the Relationship Corner...

I'm glad you're feeling at peace with your friendship with Gia, and I'm glad you're still close with Davis. Allowing a romantic/sexual relationship to transition into a deep friendship is a central tenet of my approach to relationships. Sexual chemistry can be fleeting and arbitrary.

For me, part of being solo poly means that I can let each relationship fall into place naturally, whether as a long-term lover, a fling, an ex that is a best friend, or a serious partner who will never share domestic space with me. This works great for me (so far!)

Best wishes, and glad that you still check in once in a while!
 
Thanks, MR. :) Your way of doing solo poly sounds very much like mine.

The night before last, trying to distract myself from fretting over Pike, I reached out to Clay. Normally Clay and I schedule our dates in advance rather than getting together on the spur of the moment, but it turned out he was free, so we spent a very pleasant night together. It was a perfect illustration of how poly often means that someone else can be there for you if one person can't be.

The next day, I had a date with Gia. We made food and snuggled on the couch and watched cartoons, it was very relaxed. Pike had said that he wanted to get together later in the evening, and I was very excited about that, of course, but was determined not to rush my time with Gia, since she and I don't get that sort of time very often. Eric was out with Bee while Gia and I were having our date. When the boys came home, Bee went right to sleep, even though it was pretty early in the evening. It was an unusual stroke of luck for us adults, to be toddler-free that early.

Eric collapsed on their bed, clearly worn out from his day. I wanted very much to be close to him, so I asked if I could cuddle up to him for a minute. He said "sure", and I tucked myself against his side, under his arm. It felt like forever since the last time we'd been physically close to each other like that.

It felt so, so good. Warm and right, familiar but rare, a place I didn't want to leave. He held me close and nuzzled at me affectionately. Gia came over and curled up on the other side of me, and being held between the two of them was even nicer. After several minutes of that, Eric sat up and said "Anna, if you don't have to go anywhere yet, do you want to fool around?" I looked to Gia to get her opinion. She looked a little anxious -- she usually does when it comes to sex -- but said that, yes, she'd be down for that.

And so we had the first threesome we've had in a LONG long time, well over a year. It was also the first time Gia and I had had sex in many months. Despite her initial nervousness, she relaxed quickly, and took the initiative in some delightful ways. I won't go into details except to say that it was highly, highly satisfactory.

When it was over, I messaged Pike to check in. He was out with friends, enjoying his night, but still wanted to see me. After some long goodbye kisses, I took my leave of Gia and Eric, and drove to the bar where Pike was doing karaoke. I sang a song, he sang a couple, and we left when the bar closed.

Back at my place, things between Pike and I felt just as they had a week and a half ago, before he'd gotten distant. Our dynamic just snapped back into place in a way that I'd been very afraid might not happen. He apologized, told me he loved me. He said that he still didn't know why exactly he'd felt the need to pull away, and that he'd try not to do it again any time soon.

I put on a brave face about it. I didn't act like it hadn't hurt at all, but I assured him that I was glad that he had done what he needed to do to take care of himself, which was true. We had some great sex, and when it was over, I cried just a little in his arms. It was cathartic to let go of the worry and sadness that I'd felt in his absence. He apologized some more and kissed me a lot. We fell asleep holding each other, and made love again in the morning. I made breakfast, and then he headed out to meet up with some friends.

Shortly thereafter, Davis came over. We'd been planning to spend Labor Day together hiking, but I'd twisted my ankle, so instead we just laid around the house together, reading and listening to podcasts. We went out for Mexican food, and when we came back to my place we were at loose ends. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he wanted to be intimate. I told him that I didn't want that, which I've been very clear about recently, and he said that he knew, and that he was sorry, but that he couldn't help asking.

He looked sort of blank and worried. I asked him a question and it didn't seem to register. I asked again, and he said that he thought he ought to go for a walk and come back. I told him that I needed to know what was going on, and that maybe we ought to just call it a day altogether if he was having such a hard time being around me. He managed to explain that, while most of the time he's ok with the change in our relationship, sometimes it's very hard and scary for him to think that we'll never be physically close again, and that he'd basically just had a mini panic attack. I told him how sorry I was about the mismatch in our desires. He told me how important I am to him, and how committed he is to staying in my life, whether our relationship is platonic or not, even if it's difficult. We hugged, and then he went on his way.

So. Quite a busy three days when it comes to interactions with the people I'm close to. I feel ridiculously lucky to have all the love that I do, and also just a bit overwhelmed. I worry that maybe I ought to be focusing on other things, self-improvement or something like that, rather than pouring SO much of my free time and focus into relationships. But would I willingly let go of any of these people, unless they wanted to go? Hell no. I just have to make absolutely sure not to get entangled in anything new for the foreseeable future.
 
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It was great to read your latest update, even though it's over a month old now. I struggle with the same things that you mentioned in your last paragraph, feeling overwhelmed and grateful of all the great loving people in my life but at the same time wondering if I should put my energy into other things as well. I've also taken a strict policy of no new partners as long as I'm in my current situation.

It was cool to read about your and Davis' interaction now that you've moved to a platonic relationship - I know it can be hard to take a step back like that, so I hope Davis continues to be okay with it even though he sometimes struggles. I was also glad to read about the threesome with Gia and Eric. That seemed to make you so happy. :) Seems like things are on track now with Clay and Pike, too. Good luck with everything and I hope you update us every once in a while, I like reading about your life. :)
 
Updates.

I've been feeling even more that Gia and I are just very close friends now. We haven't been physical at all since my last entry, we rarely even snuggle these days. I still haven't talked to her about how my conceptualization of our relationship has shifted, though. I feel a bit like a coward for not saying anything. But then I think, well, why exactly should I, when I'm not asking that we change anything? Does what we call ourselves really matter? I don't know.

Predictably, Davis and I have swung back towards occasionally being physically intimate again. I just can't settle into a stable way of relating to that guy. We're both pretty chill with where things are between us right now.

Things have been nice and pleasant and mellow with Clay. I feel like the last of the NRE has worn off. We're very comfortable and loving together. I do sometimes miss the passionate newness that we used to have. I should talk to him about how we can reinject that into our relationship. But truly, no complaints there.

And then there's Pike. Things between us have been humming along since I last posted here. It's been downright wonderful, in fact. Passionate, mutually supportive, playful, meaningful, loving. And without any particular drama! Until last night. Which, of course, is why I'm posting now. It's always easiest to write when there's something to write about...

He's been seeing someone new. I'll call her Tarryn. This is the first new person he's gotten entangled with since he and I have been together, although he's had a couple of interests that didn't lead anywhere.

It's only been a couple of weeks, but it's made a big impression on him. He develops feelings for people quickly. I was very happy for him and excited at first.

The problem is that she says she "doesn't like to share." She'd prefer to be monogamous with him. At the same time, she still has an "it's complicated" thing going on with an ex. I guess the implication is that she'd cut the ex off if she and Pike decided to become serious?

At first, he assured me that he'd never break up with me for her, and instead would try to work out with her whether non-monogamy was, indeed, a deal-breaker. I felt confident, unthreatened by Tarryn. I wanted to meet her and talk to her.

Last night, Pike and I were out together, hanging out with friends. They split, and he and I were alone. We were talking about hitting up one more bar, to see some other friends, and then turning in relatively early. I suggested that he come back my place. He said that, actually, he was thinking about trying to see Tarryn, so they could talk.

This led to a long conversation. I asked that he not leave me hanging after we'd spent all evening together unless it was important. He admitted that she was weighing heavily on his mind, and that he felt strange going from seeing one of us one day to another the next day. He said that he thought he might need to pull back a little, to get his head clear.

I asked him if he might, in fact, leave me for her. He reiterated that he wouldn't, but seemed conflicted. He said several times how new to him this all was. I cried a little, we hugged and kissed, and then I went home alone. He went home too, as it turns out. He didn't see Tarryn that night, though they did talk.

Today, I texted him asking about something he'd said last night. He said that seeing me had made it impossible for him to see other people. In my text, I said, "Well, wouldn't that be even more true if you were dating someone who's not poly? What's the real problem here? Is it that you want to play the field more before settling down? Or that you want to find someone who can give you a full-time relationship, and I'm holding you back from that?"

He said it was the latter issue. He doesn't want to miss out on what could be a great primary relationship -- if not necessarily with Tarryn, then with someone else -- because they can't accept me. He says that while he's not very focused on it, he does want to have a full-time relationship again some day. But he also doesn't want to give up something that he knows is very good (our relationship), even if it doesn't meet *all* of his needs, for a relationship with someone else that would be a complete unknown. He told me again how much he loves me, how special our connection is.

I feel kind of numb about it. I cried in the bathroom at work, only for a couple of seconds, when I really thought about losing him. But mostly I'm trying not to let the impact of those thoughts hit me.

I still don't think I'll lose him over Tarryn, not really. But I do fear I'll likely lose him some day, if not to a particular person, then simply to his desire to be available to people seeking more traditional relationships. Our time together has been so precious to me. If/when he leaves me, I don't feel like I'll be shredded in a dramatic way, more like I'll be quietly sad and regretful for a long time.
 
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I've done a lot of thinking and processing the last several days. I had begun to make peace in my heart with the thought of transitioning to friendship with Pike. But then...

[copied from my post about this situation on the Poly Relationships Corner board]:

Things have taken a rather surprising turn. Pike and I saw each other last night and spent the evening eating, watching Xmas specials, cuddling, and talking. I told him that I saw four options. We could:
- Become just friends.
- Keep everything exactly the same
- Scale back to be more like FWBs, see each other less frequently, be less intense about each other, and plan to split up once he found a mono partner
or
- Get more serious, to try to better meet his needs within the existing relationship.

I know I had said that #4 wasn't an option, that I couldn't offer primacy. And I've been so comfortable being solo for so long that it was very hard to picture myself being that way with someone. But this situation has forced me to think all of that through, and I think I really may be able to offer a relationship that's more integrated into each other's lives.

I don't intend to stop seeing my other partners or to set up any sort of formal hierarchy. And I don't intend to mingle our finances or move in together in the foreseeable future, if ever. But I care about him so much, we're so compatible, that I want to try to move this forward, to proactively offer a relationship in which he feels partnered in a way that's satisfying to him.

Maybe if he meets my parents, is invited to my work holiday party, we see each other on a more regular basis throughout the week instead of just on dates, he's made aware and has a chance to give input before I get involved with anyone new (which I'm not planning to do, I'm seriously saturated, but in theory) stuff like that, it will be enough, especially if he does eventually find another partner who's cool with poly. Or maybe not. Neither of us is sure.

We didn't commit to anything firm. But he listened to me and is thinking about it, and it seemed to me that we both felt very relieved to be close and comfortable together again. Things don't seem to be working out with the girl who wanted monogamy, so there's some time for us to think this through, maybe give option #4 a try.

We'll see. And we'll both be ok, either way.
 
And now a snippet of pure sweetness:

I was hanging at Gia and Eric's for Gia's birthday the other night. Also present was Thom, the friend who's babysat Bee the most after me. Bee was babbling about something grown-ups can do, I honestly forget what, and he said "Uncle Thom can do it, Anna can do it, Mommy can do it, Daddy can do it -- all my moms and dads can do it!"
 
Updates...

No major changes in my relationships with either Gia or Clay.

Davis and I are taking a break from sex. I started to really not want it with him, and he respects that, even though it pains him. I have NO IDEA why my body and heart are so schizophrenic about that boy. I've often told him that I think he might well be better off without me in his life, but he won't hear of it.

Pike's brief relationship with Tarryn, the girl who wanted him to herself, ended amicably. He quickly found someone new, a girl I'll call Elle. They met online, and then fell into a passionate connection. Their very first date took place in part at a party which I was also attending, so I got to meet her right away. She seemed cool, laid back and fun. Things went smoothly for a couple of weeks, but then one night, while tipsy, they got into a minor argument and out of nowhere she told him that she couldn't deal with having to share him with me (she has a long distance relationship with someone else, for the record) and walked away. He was baffled and very hurt.

They talked the next day, she said she was confused. They agreed to dial things back a bit and not have sex while they figured out if it could work between them. They went on a date tonight, and I'm very curious how it's going. I would LOVE for him to have another partner, but I wish he could find girls who are actually ok with poly????

And then there's a new boy in my life. I'll call him Joel.

Joel. He's been all I've been able to think about lately. He was directing a play that I was in, which recently ended. I know him from our local kink scene. Throughout the work on the show (in which I had a very minor part), there was a lovely unacknowledged closeness between us, which felt like it could turn into something more.

Then, last weekend, I stayed late after the show to help clean up. It was just the two of us. We got to talking. Then we got to kissing. Then we got to biting and hair-pulling and wrestling for control. And then sweetly hugging and kissing again. It was wonderfully sexy and natural and playful and fun and satisfying. I felt SO very close to him, even though we'd only known each other for a short time. He's a deliciously sweet and awkward and vulnerable person, and then at the same time he has this fierce side.

The problem is that both of us are completely polysaturated, not to mention busy in the rest of our lives as well! We've agreed that we very much want to get a drink together soon, but we haven't been able to find the time yet. Maybe next week?? I really hope so. Neither of us have the capacity for this to be more than a very occasional thing, but I'm feeling some serious infatuation.

I have to be careful not to let myself fall into the trap of NRE. I've already caught myself twice prioritizing the possibility of seeing Joel over opportunities to spend time with my established partners. Each time, I've consciously stopped, reflected, and made the choice to offer my time to my established partners instead. But god, I just want to hold him in my arms again. I want to touch his hair and trace his skin. I want to hear him tell me about his other lovers, about his dreams and plans, about his darker desires. I don't even care about fucking, I just want to *know* him, I want to be close and intimate with him, I want to press myself against him and listen to him. Want want want want want.
 
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I love that you still update here occasionally, even though I sometimes takes me an age to get around to reading it. Thanks for checking in.

NRE is so heady, right? It demands to be unfettered.
 
Over the last few days, prompted by some emotions that felt like they echoed old things I'd already worked through, I've been rereading this blog. Just finished up. Five years of writing, started almost a dozen years ago and wrapped up over seven years ago. Five years of really excellent, thoughtful feedback from an amazing group of people. What a wonderful record to have, so many moments when I had to stop and really savor it.

In case anyone is curious —

Gia and I are still together. We haven't had sex in years, and while I still think she's the most desirable woman in the world, it really just isn't an issue for me at the same time, if you can believe it. I really did figure out how to love her without needing her like that. But that's not to say there's no amorous charge to our connection — we actually had a new kinky experience together recently, and made out a bunch. So who knows? But like, whatever happens, all I want is to get to keep being in her life and that doesn't seem to be in any doubt. She's dating Thom, who I mentioned very briefly in a previous post, but I'm a bit skeptical that he's the best thing for her. We'll see.

Eric and Helen broke up and he didn't pursue anything new for quite some time, but for the last year he's been dating a lovely woman named Cindi with whom he's very much in love. He's done a lot of work on himself, on being able to understand and express his emotions. He's been more open with me as well, letting me know how much he values and appreciates my presence in their lives. I still love him, I suppose I always will, but there's zero ache in it these days, hasn't been for a long time. Wouldn't mind if we ever did happen to wind up in bed together again though.

Bee is starting middle school, wildly enough. He's so smart and sweet and funny! I still see him about once every two weeks, the same pattern we set up in those first few months after he was born. I love him to death, and am doing my best to make the most of this last little bit of his childhood, before the teenage years take hold and he naturally develops more interest in his peers than in adults.

Davis and I managed to settle, years back, into a stable relationship that is both supportive and sexual, and I very much think of him as a partner these days, rather than as an ex/"it's complicated". We talk at least a little almost every day and see each other at least weekly. We're going on a two week road trip in the fall that we're both very excited about. He still hasn't wanted to be with anyone else, in all this time. He's come to realize that "demisexual" is probably a good term to describe how he works.

Clay and I stayed together for about another year after my last entry. After that, we realized that we were both drifting apart, focusing more on other people than on each other, and that we were both ok with it. We let each other go with nothing but fondness and gratitude.

Pike and I are still together — 8 years now and going strong! God, I love the fuck out of that sweet man. He had another gf for several years, and they broke up fairly recently. It was mutual but very sad for him. He's content with our connection though, and not actively looking for something new at present.

I dated a couple of other people with whom it didn't work out — long stories that I don't feel the need to share at present.

All in all, I remain very fortunate in love, and very aware of my good fortune.

Hope y'all are doing well too. :)
 
fuchka said:
Woah, middle school! So lovely to see you back here and to read your update.
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Thank you! Great to share it with someone who was there for the original ride. :)
 
Well now... when I wrote that update above I truly thought that was it for me when it came to this site, but... well, considering how I started this story, it would be downright wrong not to share this latest development with y'all.

Eric... Eric said "I love you" to me last weekend. Out loud. In front of Gia, Thom, and two of our closest friends. All this time, and he'd never voiced that to me before, not once. He'd said, like, "Love ya hun" to me via text once (which, scrap that it was, I'm not too proud to admit I did savor), years back now, and that was it.

I'd just surprised him with a personalized gift at this little dinner party we were having. He exclaimed over it, said how thoughtful it was, and then he looked up at me (he was sitting, I was standing) and said, warmly and appreciatively, "I love you, Anna." He didn't make it into a dramatic statement, but it was clearly a deliberate one, a choice.

I quirked a half-smile at him, deep and genuine but quick, not letting it break fully across my face. I turned to go back to my seat, and with my back to him, I said, with equal warmth, "I love you, Eric."

To my shock... I wasn't at all shocked. It was a relief to hear it, it felt good, like a subtle but very real tension released, but it wasn't the big catharsis it surely would've been in this blog's early days, that's for sure.

The reason for that, aside from the fact that I'd long ago let my feelings for him simmer down into a comfortable familial place, is that I knew. I knew because he'd shown it to me for years. Nothing blatant, nothing that would really strike someone who doesn't know how reserved and self-involved he can be.

The way, over the years, he slowly started smiling when I came into view. The way he commented more on small but important points I'd made, showing how closely he'd listened, the way he asked questions. The way he always made sure I had a hot drink or a portion of whatever food we were eating. The way, this summer, he opened up to me about his fears about his relationships with Gia and Cindi, and let me help. That most of all.

Oh ha and, just very recently, the way I've noticed him noticing my body again for the first time in what feels like a very long time. That's been particularly interesting, and I'm certain I didn't imagine it. I look a lot different now than I did back when we first hooked up, a lot less normative and not much at all like the girls he goes for. I've kind of assumed I stopped being his "type." But. Lately I think he wants to get it after all.

With the gift I gave him at that dinner party was a card. I just wrote one sentence on it but it made it clear I wouldn't mind getting it on with him. Ha, and maybe that's why he said it now! That fucking horndog. :) I'm not mad if that was it, honestly... passion is what got us here, after all.

Still, if he asked tomorrow or if Gia suddenly suggested a threesome... I think I'd have to say "Not yet. Let me just hold you. Let me take a minute and get over my fear of the pain that opening back up to you could bring. The memories it could bring up, the sorrow."

Hm, that's a little heavy... maybe if such a conversation does come to pass I'll just stick to the first two sentences (to start).
 
Hey Annabelle, I am not sure why I never read your blog back in the day. I was here back then too! (I see I did comment twice, but never regularly.) Maybe I was too wrapped up in my relationships, my own blog, and giving advice. Anyway, I've finally read it over the past week or so, since you revived it, as if it were a novel. Very interesting!

I also looked up your old tumblr fan-fic about the Marvel superheroes! It was enjoyable and I'm going to share it with my switch-but-mostly-sub Marvel-loving bf today.

I've had lots of thoughts along the way of reading all about your intense feelings, doubts and the changes in your relationships. I don't know if it would be appropriate to express them so long after the fact! If you're planning on sticking around here, let me know!
 
Magdlyn said:
Hey Annabelle, I am not sure why I never read your blog back in the day. I was here back then too! (I see I did comment twice, but never regularly.) Maybe I was too wrapped up in my relationships, my own blog, and giving advice. Anyway, I've finally read it over the past week or so, since you revived it, as if it were a novel. Very interesting!

I also looked up your old tumblr fan-fic about the Marvel superheroes! It was enjoyable and I'm going to share it with my switch-but-mostly-sub Marvel-loving bf today.

I've had lots of thoughts along the way of reading all about your intense feelings, doubts and the changes in your relationships. I don't know if it would be appropriate to express them so long after the fact! If you're planning on sticking around here, let me know!
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I would absolutely love to know your thoughts! Thanks so much for reading, it's very gratifying to see it compared to a novel. Haha and you've won my heart forever by sharing my fanfic, I worked so dang hard on it. :) I didn't follow your blog closely back in the day either, it's all good, btw. Wrapped up in myself and in giving advice, like you said, and you just can't be on top of every story at once. But yeah, idk if I'll keep posting regularly or not, but I'm here and listening.
 
AnnabelMore said:
I would absolutely love to know your thoughts! Thanks so much for reading, it's very gratifying to see it compared to a novel. Haha and you've won my heart forever by sharing my fanfic, I worked so dang hard on it. :) I didn't follow your blog closely back in the day either, it's all good, btw. Wrapped up in myself and in giving advice, like you said, and you just can't be on top of every story at once. But yeah, idk if I'll keep posting regularly or not, but I'm here and listening.
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I've rarely read erotica out loud with partners, but Aries and I do! We took a break from reading Sleeping Beauty to each other so I could read your Safeword story. It was fun and it... worked, shall we say? He wanted me to tell you what a good writer you are.

So, about your blog. Of course, it's very long and detailed, and lots of fun to read... but I guess I wanted to say something about an overarching theme, so to speak. I saw a pattern of you yearning for people who weren't really there for you, and having a bit of disdain for a person who was head over heels in love with you, dependable, loyal and good in the sack.

It was almost like you were obsessed with doing, "she loves me, she loves me not." Both Gia and Eric fell into this category, in different degrees of intensity. Of course, you were aware to an extent that you were doing this, over and over. Being thrilled with the initial regular threesome sex, which was over at the time you began the blog, and seeking to regain that Nirvana, or at least sex with Gia one on one. And feeling more and more rejected as time went on. A short thrill when you did connect, and then disappointment and sadness when she sexually rejected you for months and years. I know you really love her. But it did seem to me like she didn't give you what you deserved.

You get off on service. Even before you said point blank that you were a service sub, I saw it. I'm always cautious at a basic level, of someone who will accept oral sex, and not give it back. I think it's important to have sex be reciprocal. I'm not kink shaming... to each their own, of course. You enjoy a power exchange, to an extent. But over time it came to seem sad, and you seemed sad, that your desires for each other were so unequal.

I was just surprised that with all your insight, you didn't actively investigate why this constant yearning for more, and never getting it, was even OK with you, satisfying, confirming in some way. And why, conversely, you felt so hemmed in and frustrated by a loving man who was so supportive. I've even wondered if you'd ever had therapy and gone into why a pattern of being rejected by the one you love, of giving more than you got, was OK and desirable for you. I wondered if it was based on something from your childhood.

I've got leftover things from my childhood. We all do. And I'm an older mature person. There are some things we never get over. They are too engrained. The lack we grew up with went too deep. So we replay these patterns because they seem familiar.

I sometimes wonder if people who deeply crave threesome sex are seeking the archaic loving Mommy and Daddy dyad they were at least somewhat denied as kids. Our kink behaviors can work as therapy, and help us face things about ourselves that we can't experience in regular talk therapy. I wonder if you learned something about yourself having been entrenched in the longing for Gia and threesomes for so long.

I didn't see this all of this pointedly addressed in your blog and I just wondered if you have seen this pattern, maybe since you ended your regular posting, and came to a new level of acceptance of Gia and Davis and where they stand in your psyche. :)
 
Magdlyn said:
I've rarely read erotica out loud with partners, but Aries and I do! We took a break from reading Sleeping Beauty to each other so I could read your Safeword story. It was fun and it... worked, shall we say? He wanted me to tell you what a good writer you are.

So, about your blog. Of course, it's very long and detailed, and lots of fun to read... but I guess I wanted to say something about an overarching theme, so to speak. I saw a pattern of you yearning for people who weren't really there for you, and having a bit of disdain for a person who was head over heels in love with you, dependable, loyal and good in the sack.

It was almost like you were obsessed with doing, "she loves me, she loves me not." Both Gia and Eric fell into this category, in different degrees of intensity. Of course, you were aware to an extent that you were doing this, over and over. Being thrilled with the initial regular threesome sex, which was over at the time you began the blog, and seeking to regain that Nirvana, or at least sex with Gia one on one. And feeling more and more rejected as time went on. A short thrill when you did connect, and then disappointment and sadness when she sexually rejected you for months and years. I know you really love her. But it did seem to me like she didn't give you what you deserved.

You get off on service. Even before you said point blank that you were a service sub, I saw it. I'm always cautious at a basic level, of someone who will accept oral sex, and not give it back. I think it's important to have sex be reciprocal. I'm not kink shaming... to each their own, of course. You enjoy a power exchange, to an extent. But over time it came to seem sad, and you seemed sad, that your desires for each other were so unequal.

I was just surprised that with all your insight, you didn't actively investigate why this constant yearning for more, and never getting it, was even OK with you, satisfying, confirming in some way. And why, conversely, you felt so hemmed in and frustrated by a loving man who was so supportive. I've even wondered if you'd ever had therapy and gone into why a pattern of being rejected by the one you love, of giving more than you got, was OK and desirable for you. I wondered if it was based on something from your childhood.

I've got leftover things from my childhood. We all do. And I'm an older mature person. There are some things we never get over. They are too engrained. The lack we grew up with went too deep. So we replay these patterns because they seem familiar.

I sometimes wonder if people who deeply crave threesome sex are seeking the archaic loving Mommy and Daddy dyad they were at least somewhat denied as kids. Our kink behaviors can work as therapy, and help us face things about ourselves that we can't experience in regular talk therapy. I wonder if you learned something about yourself having been entrenched in the longing for Gia and threesomes for so long.

I didn't see this all of this pointedly addressed in your blog and I just wondered if you have seen this pattern, maybe since you ended your regular posting, and came to a new level of acceptance of Gia and Davis and where they stand in your psyche. :)
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Called outtttttt. Wow, what a stellar response, thank you. You're not wrong about much of it, and I've thought about much of it before, but... maybe not as deeply as I ought to, yet. I'm going to write a reply (probably a very long one) but not during the workday.
 
Oh and to think I was so wrapped up in the rest of what you said that I forgot the first part!! Thank you so much for sharing, and please thank him for me. Y'all's appreciation is appreciated. ^_^

That story was written in 2012, at the height of my Feelings about all this, of course. It was an obsessive thing, an up all night thing, just needed to get it out of me. The fervidness of my desire... phew, it was SO MUCH.
 
So to start off… it's pretty funny, looking back, that I gave this blog a title with the initials S.O.S., like for "Save Our Ship" (or for "Service Oriented Submission"... it also seems relevant that I wrote the title all in lowercase, a convention people sometimes use to indicate submissiveness). I was having a lotttt of feelings, submissive and otherwise. It was super hard to pick it all apart and figure out what the hell to do with myself, and I needed help.

The journaling would have been good in itself, but the people here responded to my S.O.S. and consistently challenged and encouraged me in helpful ways too. What gifts we give each other!

From 2016-2019, when I wasn't posting here, I was interacting a lot less with Gia and Eric too (though not with Bee — the babysitting nights stayed consistent even as I stopped going out to the club and stopped trying very hard to schedule dates). I hit a crisis point after Gia and I went on our first out of state trip just the two of us. It was an absolutely wonderful experience, but though we shared a very warm evening and morning in bed together at the air bnb, I didn't try to initiate, and so of course we didn't have sex.

It was clear to me at that point that I had to change the one-sided yearning that I felt for Gia or I had to walk away, because it wasn't healthy for me any more the way it was. I chose to actively work on changing my feelings… on accepting the idea that I was no longer going to be striving for a sexual relationship with her, which meant, in practice, that I was no longer going to have a sexual relationship with her. I had to finish mourning that Nirvana and finally let it the fuck go.

I was afraid that by releasing my longing for her, I would lose some portion of my love for her. I worried maybe in some ways that that was just what had happened when I found myself feeling more distant from her, less likely to think of her first in every situation. But in reality, I think that was me simply healthily detaching myself from the over-attachment I'd developed for someone who could not, in fact, be present and available with me the way I wanted, no matter how much she herself might wish that she could. We continued to connect well when we did connect, and I continued to support and serve her in ways, but the flow of energy was more balanced.

It helped that I knew she truly, sincerely did wish that she could still be with me like we used to be. The ways we did continue to share a deep closeness and communion helped, knowing there was still so much we had between us even without the physical. Bee helped, focusing on my relationship with him when with them. Eric helped, the way he continued to do more to make me feel like a member of the family. Other lovers helped, putting my focus on them instead.

Then came covid. Gia is in a vulnerable group and already dealing with too many health problems to need any complications. I stayed away, wrapped up in my own missions, personal and professional, staying in touch with her and Bee via regular video chats and occasional outdoor hangouts.

Slowly we all began to share indoor space again. And as of this year, Gia started asking me about dates, started getting proactive about scheduling again in a way that she mostly hadn't been for quite some time. I obliged, and slowly upped my own investment of energy and time to match her own. We've had some very pleasant times hanging out together, mostly at my place. There have been some times when it's started to feel distinctly romantic, and where we've made out a bit, but she hasn't come up to my bedroom yet.

I feel patient about it. Zen. There is an outcome I'd prefer, yes, but I know that whatever happens, it'll be ok, and the time together will be well worth it regardless (in no small part because I'm no longer spending it wallowing in angst!). I'm going to put in the effort to reconnect with her on the physical level if that's what she truly wants, but I do need to see that first and believe it.

One thing I know I can't handle well is feeling teased on this topic. Gia has always felt more comfortable getting handsy at this one particular dance night we used to attend (which is still going strong after all these years!) than in most other places, and once it became clear that that was including in private with me… in other words, that I'd get to be closer to her on the dance floor than I'd get to be behind closed doors… I stopped going.

I went for the first time in years the other week. Dressed up, had a lot of fun, danced with Gia, danced near Eric (I find that I don't quite know what to do with myself around him on the dance floor these days, which is a whole other problem), danced with others. Gia and I made out on the sidewalk outside, and she told me she wanted to have a date soon. I murmured that I'd send her my availability (poly dirty talk, rawr).

I didn't feel stressed or sad about things after we went our separate ways that night the way I sometimes used to, but I did decide — for now at least, I won't go again until she and I have in fact connected on some kind of physical level. She can have that energy from me when she's giving that energy to me.

It's been a very stressful couple of weeks for her, and for the whole family, and we haven't managed to schedule a date yet. But she just had me re-send her my availability.

There's a lot more to say in response to Magdlyn's post about my childhood and the possible psychological dimensions of my various struggles throughout this whole period, etc., but that'll be for another post.
 
My childhood and how it might impact my love life, huh? Yeesh. Guess we're doing this. Y'all get to see a side of me that the rest of the world doesn't, that's for sure!

I have an early childhood memory that's strong because it was distressing. For the first time in my little life, probably around age 5, I was struggling with a terrible secret, something I couldn't tell my mom but needed to. I finally managed to get it out to her — I loved her more than dad (I was positive you were supposed to love both your parents equally). In fact, I wasn't sure I loved dad at all. She comforted me, told me that it was ok to feel how I felt and that they both loved me.

My dad was a functional alcoholic all through my childhood up until age 12 when he quit for good (barring a relapse much later in life that he's since recovered from), sober during the workday but getting drunk without fail every evening. He was loving and present when he wasn't drunk, and even often when he was. He hurt me physically just once — we were at a family party, he'd been drinking, I annoyed him somehow and he grabbed my shoulder hard to the point that it hurt me. My mom took him aside immediately and chewed him out. Many years later, she told me she almost left him over that.

He never hit me, never threatened violence other than that one time. He just had, all too frequently, a violent aura. It scared the other kids on my block when he'd step out on the back porch and holler my name, so loudly and aggressively. He was just calling me in for dinner, and I rolled my eyes at them for being scared. I'd long since learned that his anger and his volume alone couldn't hurt me. Sometimes, when he'd been rude or mean the night before, he'd apologize to me in the morning. That was a big deal, inasmuch as it helped assure me that he was the one with the problem, not me. I went to a group therapy meetup for teens with alcoholic parents for a little while at my mom's insistence, but everyone else's stories were so bad that I didn't feel like I had anything to say.

I've grown warmer towards my dad in the years since he quit drinking, and I can feel confident now knowing that "I love you, dad" is something I mean for real, not just something I say because you're supposed to. It took a while though.

Meanwhile, I loved my mom so much. We were always cuddling and physically close when I was younger. Wanting to help when I heard her complain that her feet hurt, I offered to rub them. It became a fun little ritual for us, I'd get some hot water and some cool water and a bunch of little towels and nice soap. To be clear, she never suggested or pushed this in any way, and would always ask me if I was sure I wanted to do it. I was, it was great to be able to make her feel good (some tendencies start early, what can I say).

Unfortunately, my mom struggled. She checked herself into a psychiatric hospital when I was old enough to understand in theory what was going on ("Mom felt so bad that she began to feel like she might not want to even be alive any more, so she went to the hospital because she loves us and wants to stay with us") but not old enough to really process it. I don't remember if anyone tried to help me process it? I'm sure someone did. Crying as I type this. I don't remember feeling sad then, I don't know what if anything I felt.

Mom came back to us, dad stopped drinking, they were both good and supportive parents through my teen years. My mom checked herself into the hospital again when I was in my mid 20s, I dutifully visited her, brought her gifts, tried to cheer her up. But again, I don't exactly remember feeling anything. I should have been terrified at the thought of losing her, you'd think, but I was mostly numb about it. Again, she recovered. Both of them are still together and doing well.

It's pretty obvious, looking at my life and the people I'm close to, that I've kinda probably been trying to save my mom through others on some kind of emotional level for a long time. My first boyfriend at age 14 threatened suicide when I tried to leave him, that was a whole awful drama. My best friend has been suicidal on and off most of her life. Gia, Davis, and Pike have all dealt with recurring suicidal ideation. My ex (one of those "I dated some other people and it didn't work out" people) who's currently staying with me (did I mention I have a problem with trying to save people?) is currently suicidal.

When I came of age and started getting crushes, it was a whoooole big emotional rollercoaster when I did in fact end up with a crush on both members of a couple at the same time. It was a teenage dress rehearsal for my relationship with Gia and Eric — uneven feelings, yearning, angst and all that (never consummated though, at least not all three of us together at once).

I remember back then, in the midst of that teenage drama, feeling some weird stuck-in-between-mom-and-dad feels. I didn't, like, analyze it deeply at the time. I was too busy crying in the props closet during theater class.

So yeah, seeking a loving relationship that I can't manage to materialize with dad/Eric? Experiencing mutual love and getting deeply invested and suffering as a result with mom/Gia? There… there might be some parallels. And let's not speculate too hard on where exactly the sadomasochistic tendencies might come from (can't they just be a thing about me? idk).

Yet more to come.
 
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