the story of a secondary

[AnnabelMore]

A moment I wanted to share.

As per usual, Clay was in charge of managing the venue at the party on Saturday night. It was a particularly crowded and complex event. Everything actually went really well, but it was stressful and intense, and he'd just come off of a shift at his day job. He basically worked a 16-hour day with no breaks, and just a little time to socialize and relax at the end.

I did what I could to help out, ranging from putting up decorations to running out for more supplies to just sitting quietly at his feet with my head on his thigh while he checked people in. I had my share of fun, no doubt, and I gave him his space from time to time, but I tried to make sure that his needs were met and that he was supported whenever I could.

At the end of the night, he looked exhausted. I asked him how he was doing. He smiled and said that he was fine, just tired. Then he said "Whenever I got worried tonight, I just thought to myself 'It's going to be fine, because my girl is here.' You give me so much strength."

Happy happy happy.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Sometimes, I start feeling like I'm lacking an important source of security in my life because I don't have a primary partner. Who's my guaranteed +1 for important life events, I ask myself. Who will buy a house with me, or parent children with me, if I decide I want those things? Who will look out for me when I'm old and sick?

Then I think about all the people in my lives who found no ultimate security in primary partnerships. The friend whose husband died suddenly. The friend whose wife left him when he got sick. The other friend whose husband blindsided her with a completely unexpected "I dont love you any more." The co-worker whose long-time partner and co-parent went off her meds, had an affair, and now treats her with disdain for no discernable reason despite every attempt to reason with her.

Security has to come from myself. My family, friends, and partners can and should be an important support network for me, and maybe someday I *will* find someone to walk hand in hand with me through a large portion, or maybe even all, of my life. But I don't need that, and there are never any guarantees. My friends who lost their life mates are going strong. And so am I.

 

[wildflowers]

He said that it hadn't really occurred to him before then that he has a pattern of being vague if there's something he doesn't really want to say (in this case, the example being him saying "Maybe, I'll think about it," rather than just "No, I really don't think I have the time, unfortunately" when asked about a weeknight date when he already has too many evenings booked). He said that he was glad for the insight and that he'd feel much more comfortable being direct from now on.

To me, fascinating, not trivial at all. My boyfriend also avoids stuff, and I have tried to learn to interpret his absence of specifics, but I still wonder how much he is aware of the pattern himself. It seems so obvious to me.

And congrats on the success of your direct approach!

 

[AnnabelMore]

To me, fascinating, not trivial at all. My boyfriend also avoids stuff, and I have tried to learn to interpret his absence of specifics, but I still wonder how much he is aware of the pattern himself. It seems so obvious to me.

And congrats on the success of your direct approach!

I'm glad it was appreciated, and thank you! Have you tried pointing it out to him in these terms?

 

[MeeraReed]

Sometimes, I start feeling like I'm lacking an important source of security in my life because I don't have a primary partner.

And when, exactly, would you have time to see this primary partner?

 

[wildflowers]

I'm glad it was appreciated, and thank you! Have you tried pointing it out to him in these terms?

I have at times, but probably not for a while. Once I finally learned to decode ambiguity, it became a bit less necessary. And since I've still been struggling a bit at figuring out when being upset or frustrated by vagueness is warranted vs when it is simply my insecurities in hyper mode, I've been cautious about bringing it up. He's also been under a mind boggling amount of stress for the last few months, and I really haven't wanted to add to it with things he might interpret as pressure.

Still, not ruling it out for the future.

 

[AnnabelMore]

And when, exactly, would you have time to see this primary partner?

An excellent point! Though, of course, I could, if I chose, pine away about the fact that none of my current secondary relationships are poised to become primary relationships. I actually did feel sad about that for a while with Gia. Then Davis and I actually tried it and it didn't work out, mainly because I didn't actually want it. And now there's Clay, with whom I don't see it as a plausible outcome, and am not inclined to seek it... I think maybe I'm getting better at accepting things for what they are.

 

[AnnabelMore]

I was feeling stressed about work yesterday, and was starting to get a tension headache about it when Clay messaged me to say Hi. I mentioned to him how I was feeling and he asked if there was anything he could do. I thought about it for a minute or two -- after all, he wanted to help and I was pretty sure there must be a way he could, so I owed it to him to try to respond to his request -- and I ended up suggesting two things. That he 1) take a picture of himself just for me and send it to me, and that he 2) pick something relaxing for me to do and then tell me to do it.

He sent me two pix -- one of him gazing sweetly at the camera, and one of him holding a cat up to his head. Then he told me to go somewhere where I could sit outside and have a beer (it was a beautiful day).

It was like magic how well it worked. It was kind of absurd how immediately and completely better I felt and how it lasted all evening long. In turn he reported feeling very happy about being able to be so helpful, and thanked me for thinking hard about it.

I just wanted to share. The way the give and take of D/s colors the little nuances of our interactions is just working so, so well for us.

<3

 

[FullofLove1052]

Aww! I am glad you shared that about Clay, and I am glad you were able to relax.

Ry

 

[nycindie]

I think maybe I'm getting better at accepting things for what they are.

I think that is true, Annabel. I don't see you struggling with your relationships as often, or for as long, as you used to. When there is an issue, you seem to be better able to come up with a solution -- whether it is to speak your mind, find a distraction, or ask for what you need -- and then to move on. There seems to be lots more acceptance, satisfaction, and being happy and at peace with your life coming through in your writings than there used to be. Just thought you would like to know that it shows.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Aww! I am glad you shared that about Clay, and I am glad you were able to relax.

Ry

Thank you! I feel a little cheesy, posting so much shmoopy, sappy stuff all the time lately, but, hey, it's where I'm at right now.

I think that is true, Annabel. I don't see you struggling with your relationships as often, or for as long, as you used to. When there is an issue, you seem to be better able to come up with a solution -- whether it is to speak your mind, find a distraction, or ask for what you need -- and then to move on. There seems to be lots more acceptance, satisfaction, and being happy and at peace with your life coming through in your writings than there used to be. Just thought you would like to know that it shows.

Thank you for taking the time to say this, Nyc. It really does mean a lot coming from you -- you were, of course, the second-ever person to comment on this blog, and you've taken a lot of time over the years (wow, years, it's true) to keep up with my story and provide advice. I really appreciate hearing it.

I think that I've been making stronger choices lately -- telling Erik how I felt (FINALLY), changing things up with Davis (FINALLY). AND I've been lucky -- Gia getting her bisexuality back, finding Clay so quickly. Between those things, it's easier and easier to be content. With more experience also comes more perspective, so that when there's a communication hiccup or something that makes me briefly jealous, I can better assess whether what's happening is a little thing or a big thing, and how to efficiently and simply address it if it needs addressing.

I am sure that there will be difficulties ahead one way or another, that's just life, but I'm enjoying the lovely place I've stumbled into this spring.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Clay and I are still working on finding equilibrium in terms of communication around scheduling.

We chatted on Saturday afternoon and I mentioned some times that I was free coming up, including that night. He implied that that night was a possibility, and said he'd think things over. Then he logged off chat and didn't come back on. I went on with the things I needed to do, and when evening came around I was faced with a dilemma. Message him to double-check on his interest in hanging out, or just assume this his silence meant "not tonight" and do something else?

I narrowly decided not to message him -- obviously he knew that I was interested in hanging out, since I'd brought it up, and the burden had clearly been on him to follow up. All messaging would have done would have been to say "I don't have anything better to do than think about you, even though you're ignoring me at the moment."

I was pretty annoyed at him for leaving me hanging. I told myself that there could be a good reason (maybe he was super stressed and needed to wall himself off for a while), or that maybe we just think about communication differently, and he didn't think anything further was required. OR maybe he just isn't as into me as I am into him, I also thought to myself, but I did my best not to dwell. I invited a close friend over, who I hadn't seen in a while. I was worried that I'd be sighing all night and not actually paying attention to our conversations, that I'd be trying and failing to use her to distract myself from him. Thankfully, it didn't turn out that way at all, and once she came over I became very engaged in enjoying our time together.

The next day, he messaged me and the first thing he did was apologize for not letting me know that he wasn't up to hanging out. He said that he'd felt very drawn inward, but that he should have reached out. I said that it would've been nice to hear from him, but that it was ok. He apologized a second time, and I told him that I accepted his apology. It really did make me feel completely better about the whole thing -- yeah, it was a bit of a jerk move, but the fact that he recognized that and was able to admit it made all the difference in the world.

Even better, we managed to set a date for later this week -- and it'll be a REAL date, with dinner and drinks and stopping by an interesting store and hanging out at my house and everything. Most of our time together so far has been catching a couple of hours in the late evening, or being together at a play party where he has other responsibilities, so this is going to be a very different experience for us. I'm SO looking forward to it.

 

[fuchka]

I love your story, and am very grateful that we have the chance to follow it.

 

[AnnabelMore]

I love your story, and am very grateful that we have the chance to follow it.

Thank you! It definitely encourages me to post more when I hear things like that, versus thinking "oh, this is so self-indulgent and silly of me, just blathering on about minutiae for no purpose..."

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Please do keep on writing. I find your story and your thoughts on it interesting and often very inspiring. Not at all boring.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Please do keep on writing. I find your story and your thoughts on it interesting and often very inspiring. Not at all boring.

Thank you, I think I will.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Gia and I went to our semi-weekly exercise class together tonight (semi-weekly in that it's a weekly class, but we don't always make it every week). It was so good to see her, it's been a while.

On the car ride home, she talked about how frustrated she is lately in her marriage -- so many things about it are great, but she feels taken for granted sexually by Eric.

What it comes down to is that he's never been good at opening up to her about his desires. And yet, for whatever reason, he's been easily exploring all sorts of new things with Helen. Gia isn't a naturally jealous person but, as one can imagine, this has been very tough for her. Rather than ask him to stop having so much fun with Helen, she's asked him to ramp up the fun with her, to communicate more, and she's laid out some very clear requests as to how she'd like him to do that. His pattern has been to follow these requests for a while, and then slip back into his usual uncommunicative ways.

When we got back to the house, things were calm for a short time. Eric was giving Bee a bath. He left the bathroom, and I went in and spent a minute playing with Bee. Outside, I heard them starting to talk, and I could hear Gia laying out some of the things she'd been saying to me, about how upset she was and why. I closed the bathroom door and kept Bee entertained.

It could've been a terribly awkward experience, but it really wasn't. I'd been missing Bee, and it was a great deal of fun to "catch" plastic fish with him, and sing songs, and just enjoy bath time. Plus I was just relieved that she was getting it all off her chest. I also kind of appreciated the fact that they don't feel like they have to pretend to have a perfect marriage in front of me. By the time I took Bee out of the bath, dried him off, and diapered him, their conversation was winding down. When we had a moment alone, a little later, Gia told me that the talk had gone very well.

At the end of the night, as we were kissing goodbye, she told me that she missed me, and I could see a glint in her eye that had been absent for so long. It's funny, I DO want her, very much, but it doesn't feel as desperate now as it did back when I didn't feel the same desire coming from her, even though we still have very little time for that sort of thing. We have a date planned for mid-May, but I wonder if we could try to get together before then... hmmm...

Before I could go out the door, Bee came over and reached his arms up to me. I picked him up, and he turned to Gia and said "Bye bye, Mommy." I laughed and told him that he couldn't come with me. It was so touching, though. *sigh* That kid is nestled so deep in my heart.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Even better, we managed to set a date for later this week -- and it'll be a REAL date, with dinner and drinks and stopping by an interesting store and hanging out at my house and everything. Most of our time together so far has been catching a couple of hours in the late evening, or being together at a play party where he has other responsibilities, so this is going to be a very different experience for us. I'm SO looking forward to it.

My date with Clay was perfect, wow. It was a gorgeous day. We walked from my place to a cheap-but-delicious restaurant nearby and had great food and drinks. We talked about lots of different things, friends, our families, a big kink campout we plan to go to next month (it'll be a four-day weekend together... kind of a big deal to be taking a trip together so soon, I'm really excited!!!). Afterwards, we went to a neat little store and bought a couple of things to use with each other. Then we went back to my place and watched a movie, cuddled and said "I love you" at a rate that would surely have been obnoxious to any onlookers, made passionate, incredibly hot, emotionally intense love, and fell asleep.

What else to say about where this relationship is at?

Izzy is doing much, much better, apparently. She and he had sex for the first time in a couple of months earlier in the week. It was really good to hear it. I don't know for sure what she went through, I haven't asked for details, but... yeah, I just know how sick and awful I'd feel if a partner couldn't sleep with me because they were too traumatized. What a helpless, awful feeling that would be. I know that neither of them had any clue when -- or, really, if -- they would be able to reconnect. I'm so glad that he still has that relationship in his life.

All of that being said, it's gonna make my decision about potentially going barrier-free harder. *shrug* SO not the most important thing.

Clay never did respond to my email request for him to not ask me direct questions about it for a while. I wish he had, I like clarity, but I decided to let it be and to take his silence for assent just this once. The idea of not using barriers did come up again once, the other week, in a sexual context -- he mentioned it as a desire (related to something we weren't even doing at the time, it made sense in context), not as a request, and I'd previously told him that I was fine with him telling me what he wanted, so in theory he wasn't doing anything "wrong", but I still wasn't really comfortable with it coming up like that at all, because of how vulnerable I feel with him during sex (I don't think I would ever agree to anything I didn't really want to do, but the thought is kind of terrifying), and I told him so afterwards. He apologized and I don't expect it'll happen again. Still, I felt a renewed mild anxiety about the topic after that.

After we made love (using a condom during PIV) last night, he mentioned that he liked that we had let the topic of maybe not using barriers go for the time being, because it made things simpler and less stressful to not have to think about it, for it to just be a given that we'd use condoms. I really appreciated that sentiment, since I feel the same way... in fact, I appreciated it enough that it overrode my annoyance at the fact that we were even talking about it again at all rather than really and truly letting it go. If it comes up yet again any time too soon, at all, that annoyance might not be so easily overridden -- not talking about it can really just mean not talking about it, imho.

Heh, it's funny to spend so many words on what is, at the end of the day, minor friction over how we communicate on this one issue. We both whole-heartedly agree -- we can't and won't do it unless we both feel completely comfortable. He would be ready to be comfortable now, I'm not, so we're waiting on me to make a decision, but whatever decision I make will be fine and that has always been clear, so... why worry? I suppose I just feel like this relationship is so intense and so important to me that any potential issue has to be treated seriously. The D/s component is a big part of that, I'm sure... here I am ceding my emotional and physical safety to someone I've known a very short time... if I don't completely and unequivocally trust in 1) his integrity, and 2) our ability to communicate clearly, I am fucked, and not in the good way.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Around midday yesterday, I messaged Gia to ask if she had any plans after the dance night we were going to in the evening, hoping that she'd maybe wanna come back to my place. She said that what she'd really like to do was to fuck Eric, but that they couldn't go back to her place to do that because of their babysitter, who was planning to spend the night, so she wasn't sure. I offered up my place if they wouldn't mind me watching... I felt gross putting that condition on the offer, rather than just letting them do whatever they wanted, but I was trying to be realistic, and, with how much I've been missing her lately, I knew I wouldn't really be ok with just chilling downstairs while they went at it. Or, I said, we could always have a good ol' fashioned threesome.

She considered the offer, but then Bee fell asleep in the afternoon and they were able to get their alone-time then. I didn't bring the question of the post-dance portion of the evening up again. I'd already propositioned her/them once, why press the issue? Still, I felt a little rejected.

That night, at the dance event, I was weirdly sensitive to seeing her be affectionate with Dexter, and even a little with Eric. I felt mopey and emotional, and I think it showed. Gia was affectionate with me too, everything was completely objectively normal, but I just didn't feel good. I was also really tired, which surely didn't help -- in retrospect, I probably should just have stayed home.

After we went our separate ways for the night, I messaged her and just said "Hey, babe." She messaged me back, asked what was up. I explained that I was just feeling a little sad and weird and wanted to talk. She said she'd been able to tell that I was upset about something, but had been trying to focus on Eric since it was their special weekend.

Special weekend? WOW, I'm an idiot, I'd totally forgotten that their anniversary had been a few days ago! She explained that they hadn't had much chance to celebrate on the actual big day, and so had been trying to make up for it by focusing more on each other this weekend.

I told her that I had just suddenly started missing her more than normal and that I was sorry if I'd been awkward, especially considering the timing. She said it was alright, that she missed me too, and suggested that we get together later in the week. So, that'll be good.

*sigh* Balance. It can be so hard to find.

Davis and I have had a pretty decent balance lately, I think, though there are hiccups. He was upset the other week when I cut one of our weekly hangout nights a little short and we had, not exactly a fight, but a fraught conversation about it. He didn't like feeling disregarded, I didn't like feeling guilted. We both apologized the next day, and I've tried to be more considerate. We're getting together tonight to watch a movie. Mostly, our time together is very chill and pleasant these days.

Time. I got a little worried the other week about Clay's time. He'd mentioned a former partner with whom he'd recently gotten lunch, and how nice it was to re-connect with her. From how he talked about it, I thought he might be interested in pursuing a connection with her again, and I wondered how on earth he would manage his schedule if that happened.

I brought up my concern to him in the context of a larger conversation, and he waved off the possibility that anything was going to happen with that particular person. He didn't say anything like "there's no way I would take on another serious partner right now", but he did explain that he's happy with the partner balance in his life, which was reassuring to hear. We're actually in a very similar place, in that we each have three partners that we see about once a week as well as various other people in our lives (casual fwb's for me, less-frequently-seen kink partners for him). Realizing that put things in perspective for me, I guess I thought maybe he saw some of his other people more frequently than he does.

I'm feeling better about where he and I are at in terms of time/equilibrium. He mentioned that he's been more conscious about trying to make time for us and it shows. He's going away for a short trip next week, and we're going to spend an evening together right after he gets back. I also think my NRE is calming down a bit. I'm still very excited about him, but I'm not really getting that aching feeling when I don't see him any more.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Clay has been posting adorable things about how excited and happy and proud he is about me/our relationship, and calling me amazing and stuff like that on the social networks he's on, and he sent me a random text today just to say how he couldn't stop thinking about me and how it was making him really happy and how he loves me and omfg sweetest man in existence.

I think about him at random times and invariably I smile or I get turned on or sometimes both and it's just still kind of mind-blowing how every little thing about him is so awesome? His eyes his hair his mouth his skin his mannerisms his speech patterns his love of cats his love of coffee his love of communication his love of documentaries his love of me his willingness to be vulnerable and talk about scary/difficult/confusing things his supportiveness towards all of his partners agh I just love him so much how is this even possible? It's still been less than two months that I've known him??

Over the past couple of days we've been discussing exploring a particular kinky interest that we both share that would be based around a threesome with another woman. Haha, oh god, I guess we're "looking for a third". My thoughts so far on pursuing this: don't rush it, be super up front and transparent with anyone we approach, work with any potential person to make sure that their fantasies and desires are equally incorporated into the encounter. Jeezusfuck, this particular idea is such a deeply-held and never-explored fantasy of mine, and it happens to be for him too, how is it that we're so compatible it doesn't make any sense???

<3