The story of Spork.

PinkPig said:
I'm sorry you had narcotic nightmares (at least that's how I think of them.) Opioids make me nauseated, too. I tend not to like them. I hope your teeth are better soon!

As for the rest...you know, I really think it's all a part of the process of divorce. Especially after a long marriage. I've been divorced a couple years, and to be honest, I still grieve occasionally (the loss of the family as I knew it.) Major milestones that would have been a family event, tend to bring it up (like my kid leaving for college.) My mother is terminally ill and I know that just intensifies the residual grief and nostalgia. At the moment, I'm feeling a really strong desire to be mono. Of course, Blue is very much poly, lol. I really think these feelings are stemming from the grief over my mother's illness, grief over the kid leaving, and work stress. I'm hoping that it's a temporary thing....since most things are. But, we'll see. I'm also feeling a desire to spend more time at home, more time with the kids, more time with my mother, etc.

At any rate, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way.
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Thank you. I think it's just been such a confluence of weird and trying shit. I want to relax, I want to retreat and be in comfortable places with comfortable people. I don't feel up to fighting any battles right now. I've had the divorce stuff, money stuff, health stuff, pain stuff, relationship stuff, kid stuff, vehicle stuff, work stuff, not smoking and my shark week just started and man I think I'm just...done.

I want to go to the party tomorrow night with Zen. But that's mostly because it's at Voodoo (a place that feels safe) and it's with him (a person who feels safe) and so doing that feels alright. Hassle free and problem free. I want comfortable and familiar stuff right now. Not more STUFF that I have to process and try to understand.

But even the "more ok" me this morning has sat at this desk in this cubicle...and I feel like a person in the beginning of a movie. And the audience knows that something bad will happen. Something huge and awful. But I don't know, because it hasn't happened, or I haven't learned about it. I'm like Neo in the very beginning of the Matrix where he's just working at his desk and he's Mr. Anderson. Only who the crap knows what kind of movie this is, even? I don't. I'm just the poor shmuck sitting here. All kinds of stuff about to happen. No clue. The world feels surreal and slightly ominous. I think it's a combination of my physical stuff, and the cloudy weather today. It's given me a weirdness.
 
Have you seen Will Ferrell and Dustin Hoffman in Stranger Than Fiction? Some time when you are not feeling this way you might like it.

Leetah
 
I have not, and I will keep it in mind.

I might mention it to Zen. He has seen so many movies, that I have not, and he's forever surprised about the many movies I haven't seen.

This is something I LOVE about him. I could end up being with him for ages, and I would not be stumped on what to watch, or something to do. He's willing to watch something just because I like it and I want to, but he's always got a suggestion, and he has about a billion DVDs. And he's also not shy about suggesting places to eat, things like that. So when I have indecisive moments and I wish my man would just lead the way so I don't have to, because I really just DON'T KNOW...he's the guy who will just step right up and call it.

I've been with men who were either convinced that I really knew what I wanted and it was some kind of a test...so they refused to suggest anything...or else they were as clueless as I was. Drives me nuts.

He is also into games and he bought some board games for us to play. I really need to take a look at a few that he handed over to me, so I could check 'em out. You know I have heard about people going to the beach when it's the off season and not doing warm beach things...just enjoying being at a beach house...and I thought they were insane. But you know, I could really enjoy that with Zen.

I hope one day the money situation is healed enough that we can do vacations together. Until then, I can dream...

I am so tired. I went and ate lunch and seeing Zen was super wonderful but I've made up my mind not to go out tonight. I'm gonna get my kid his haircut and I am gonna nap...
 
Reverie said:
Oh, my! I love your cat, and I haven't ever even met him. What an absolute cutie. (My cat is grey too, so I may be biased...)
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Well, yanno. He's mostly just a cat. Does a lot of cat things. Poops in a box. Chases me out of bed, so that he can occupy it. Scratches weird code numbers into my leg as I walk down a darkened hallway, like the demented little villain that he is. Does not understand why the people always want to touch his fur.

He keeps things interesting around here.

So we have a container of catnip, it has the flip top lid with the holes (like a spice container, y'know?) and those holes really don't let a lot out at a time. Just a little sprinkle. I was trying to shake some out for Nimbus, and he took the container away from me since maybe I wasn't doing it right. I don't know. But he wrestled that container all over the floor. Chewed on it. Bunny kicked it. Eventually got to where he is lying on his side, holding it with all of his paws, with his nose pressed against the lid and licking the holes in the lid, eyes huge and little fang teeth showing...

I'm like "Dude...you might have a problem."

I was finally able to get the container away from him by distracting him with treats.

I need to start keeping my tablet charged so I can video some of this sort of thing. My phone's camera is not so good. Got some spew from a GWAR show in the lens a few years back, and it's never really been the same since.

My teeth are still a bit uncomfortable. The dentist didn't finish the root canal. I really hope he's able to get it done well, I've been reading up on this procedure...it CAN work, but then there are also reasons it can go wrong, and if there are complications you're just better off with extraction, with or without a replacement implant. I really don't want to just start losing teeth. This one is a pretty significant molar, a chewing tooth, right in the middle of the upper right side there. I do not want it gone. I'd rather do what we are doing, preserving a dead tooth, if it can be done. I know it's gonna end up costing a lot. I don't want to think too hard about that. I already have money problems. I'll pay them what I can...if it comes to it, if my other strategies don't make all of this work by later on towards the end of this year, then bankruptcy will be the solution and anything I can't pay will just have to go into that.

I don't want to. Know I might have to though. We'll see.

In the meantime, not smoking, consolidating my student loans into a much lower payment...I'm doing what I can.

So anyhow, it's not uncommon for them to do a root canal in 2-3 visits. So this isn't abnormal. But I'm getting...not pain exactly...just discomfort. A bubble of swelling in the roof of my mouth right by the gums there. It's not a good feeling, even if it does not exactly...hurt. And I'm acutely aware that this tooth is a dead tooth. It feels like a foreign object now. Like it doesn't belong. Between losing the wisdom tooth, and this, my bite is off and now my teeth all feel strange in general. It is goddamn distracting.

So people ask how my teeth are feeling or if it still hurts and I'm like...no...but...I dunno, it's complicated... I have not had a lot of dental work in my lifetime, so I'm not used to dealing with this sort of thing. It just isn't fun. I'll be very happy when it's over with and I can stop being hyperaware of my damn teeth all the time.

And this is one little illustration of a tricky concept I've had going on in my recent life history. Life with Old Wolf had long stretches of "normal." Where we had routines. Nice, boring routines. I'd come home and make dinner, we'd take our plates off to our rooms and eat, I'd scratch his back, we'd watch what he wanted on the TV and go to sleep...wake up, he'd walk around talking to himself about his plans for the day while I tried to keep sleeping, kiss me goodbye, I'd get up, make sure the kids were up, get to work, etc etc A lot of my routine revolved around his needs. Which I think is why when he deployed for a year, I had a harder time than I expected to. My normal had been yanked out from under me. No one was going to call me to task for not maintaining an expected routine. I could do whatever. And I easily...too easily...my extra hours got filled with sleeping too much, and occasional slides into depression where I just lost my reason to be and all I could do was sleep and cry in bed. I didn't even really know why.

All I can say is...as much as I complain(ed) about it, and as bad as it was...in a way, living my life around him anchored me to reality. To some kind of "normal." And so just trying to make choices for myself, it's hard and scary and I'm not always sure I can even do it right. Losing him was losing a lot of structure, even though he could be so chaotic. And this goes into another tricky bit of stuff...obligations. That word is such a big deal to me and other people don't understand my relationship with it. Others that I know, people who maybe don't love or need structure as much as I do...when I use that word in the context of our relationships they think I mean that I see them as an unwanted chore. That is not it, not at all. In general, obligations are what give me purpose and structure in my life. I don't know how to just do what feels right and good just for me, and have it lead to living well, if I'm just doing what "feels right and good for me" with no other person to be accountable to, then I go into "why bother?" lazy mode and just sleep all the time. Which leads quickly to depression. My obligations are what give me a reason to live, almost literally. I need them. But I also need to be careful not to pile on more than I can handle and feel like I am handling WELL.

And so since March, since I moved out, I've been trying to figure out what my new normal looks like. I've been trying to find a comfort zone with obligations, and I've been trying to learn how to obligate myself to doing things for my own care that I should be doing, not because someone else needs me to and will take me to task if I fail...but because I just need to accomplish goals for myself, period, no other reason. It's been one step at a time. I can't pile on every single thing I want to be accomplishing in my life and hope to change it all at once. I have to work a new thing into the juggling act and keep it in the air until I'm comfortable before I bring in the next. But, I am trying. Even though it all started with painful emergency situations, this business with my teeth is a big piece. I need to be getting my son and I to regular appointments with doctors, dentists, and optometrists. I let these things go longer than I should. I feel this is the lesson I'm meant to be learning in the present...so I'm paying attention to it.

The quitting smoking is another huge one. I like to occasionally calculate how much money I have saved. As of right now...$33.50. But it was a huge life goal, it's been on every list of life goals I've written for YEARS...

Well anyhow. Enough of this, I need to shower and get some stuff done around here. Hope everyone has a nice Labor Day weekend!
 
I was feeling really moody about a few things this morning, and I wrote this long, petulant post about it. Within minutes, I found myself sitting here still and alone and unhappy and thinking, "You know what would make me feel so much better? A cigarette. I should maybe just go buy some."

AHA! OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER. YOU....YOOOUUU... I SEE YOU, GREMLIN! So the fondue forks aren't scary anymore, hm? No? I shall build a crossbow. A catapult! A cannon. Oh no. Nope, you're not doing this to me, no.

I came back and deleted the post. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, ate food and felt better.

Fuck those gremlins. I got this.

And so I am not going to write about anything negative. The sky is NOT falling.

I had great times with my Zen this weekend. I got whipped with the dragon's tongue at the party on Saturday, and have some fantastically sexy welts to show for that. It wrapped and got me on the inner thigh, anyone who has ever been whipped will know of what I speak. Deliciously painful, and just the sort of thing to leave lovely marks. It even surprised Zen. I like it when he is surprised. He laughed. I LOVE it when he laughs.

And I cooked for him last night and we watched the last episode of Sherlock, and a DVD of a play that he loves called "Sunday in the Park with George." I love so many of the ideas and concepts and themes present in that story. It has a great deal to do with humanity, human connection, and art. And I enjoyed watching Mandy Patinkin and Brent Spiner doing theatre. It was pretty cool. It's one of my favorite things about Zen. He's got a good lead on me in years and a lot of it spent doing introvert things...so he's got a TON of media--books, movies, art, music, games...you name it...that he has experienced and I haven't. And he can open a lot of new experiences and interests for me.

I love a ton of things about him. I love that about him.

It did not work out for me to sleep with him, actually sleep in his bed snuggled up to him, this weekend. I had hoped we might...but it didn't work out. Part of that is me not saying, "Actually...I need this." Because I could have made it work. It might have happened. I could have asked. I don't know why I didn't. But after I'd agreed to go home and just go to bed, I felt a bit melancholy about it.

So I got myself in a bit of a fix talking about lifestyles and pushed some buttons and I felt rather bad about that. I apologized in the sincerest way I know, I meant it, and I think I shall let that subject drop in that thread. I might reduce the amount of posting I do in some of the other threads and just mostly blog, I don't know. Frankly I know that I cannot speak for anyone but myself, when it comes to talk of poly as a "lifestyle" or not, for me polyamory is completely negotiable (though I generally view it favorably as a sort of "good idea.") But BDSM is not negotiable. It is far more of a need, for me, than even the option of multiple partners is. At least, that is so for the me who sits here and types these words. But I do like it here though. I think I can still get a lot of insight on some excellent "best practices" in how to relationship, and how to human.

In other news, my cat is chock full of murder today. He hid in the bathtub and ambushed me earlier. Little villain.
 
I don't know, Spork. I understood the tenor of your post and that it absolutely wasn't meant to invalidate someone else's experience. And, yet, I also understood why Purple Sun might take offense to it. But, I wouldn't let that one misunderstanding stop you from posting. Your posts would definitely be missed! Misunderstanding happens when we're reading posts and don't have the luxury of experiencing nuances in inflection and tone or visual cues....doesn't mean what we've said isn't worth saying, just that we may have to explain more, as you did :)
 
I hope you don't feel the need to censure yourself. I THINK I knew what you were getting at, and I am a "vanilla" (although I don't like that term much but lack the linguistic skills to think of a new one), hetero, mono, female. No matter where you find yourself on the sexuality/relationship spectrum, it shouldn't concern anyone else but you and your partners of choosing. I'm not broken, so don't try to "fix" me.

I love your posts, and find your point of view to be very thought-provoking. I have read these boards for a long time, and find myself invested in a great many posters; you included. AND I think you warding off the cigarette demons in an epic battle is awesome!
 
I appreciate that.

I think there was perhaps a piece I was sketching in with the assumption that everyone knew I thought it was horrible. The "fixing"...I was NOT implying that's ok, I was saying, "well then you get these crazy idiots who think they can fix things"... Might it be valuable to find out if something CAN be fixed and what the cause is? Maybe... Because if "Human A" (random hypothetical human) WANTS to be able to do some kind of hormone therapy or psychotherapy process to change something fundamental about themselves, should they be able to?

That's controversial as fuck right there. I mean, we are, as progressive people, cool with Bob taking hormones to become Brenda. But what if Bob is gay, and feels that he is letting his family down, and is suicidally depressed because he's not giving his Mom her grandbabies or whatever, doing what he thinks he should, what if he truly deeply believes and desires to change his own gayness? It's scary because this is a threat to people who do not want to change, who have come to peace with this path and it IS their happiness and fulfillment, and the only way that the "normals" can accept it is if we declare loudly that they have no choice. They are born this way.

I struggle with this idea because more than anything, I just want individual people to have the freedom to choose their own identities and destinies. That's all. I want anyone to have love and support in whatever path they are on. I don't want one person's choices to pose an ideological threat to the life or choices or nature or identity of any other person.

But it's an incredibly hard position to explain, because humans just don't operate that way, all too often. You're either "one of us" or you are "other." Everyone is out to set rigid definitions of absolute truths, and anyone who does not agree with My Truth is calling it a LIE. A falsehood. Wrong. We are barely past a point of beating each other's brains into pulp at the very appearance of disagreement.

Well I just don't think it's practical to function that way. I feel that a goal of human evolution SHOULD be peace. And there will never be one single great ideology that is completely embraced by all humans. Which means that the only way to evolve to peace while also having diversity, is to accept that holding different positions, ideals, natures, identities, lifestyles, whatever...doesn't make one more right or wrong than another. No matter if someone is choosing to be different, or cannot help but be different, because the "majority/normal/default mode" that they are being compared to isn't better or more right.

Anyways. Philosophical root perspectives on where I come from when I start having conversations like that one. That is the framework I operate from, and if one does not know that about me, one might not understand some of the points I'm getting at. Maybe. I don't know.

I just know that I speak from my place only, not meant to be hurtful or impose my picture of reality on anybody else's. I can certainly be wrong, and I always hope someone would take anything that is useful from my speak, and disregard anything that is not.
 
I think I understood what you meant in that thread, and I posted to that effect...I took it as you meaning that while things like sexual orientation, gender, mono or poly, etc. are often "hard-wired," so to speak, it is still possible to choose whether to act in accord with or in opposition to that wiring. I was born straight, but I could choose to have sex with women. I've known a number of people who are gay or bisexual who chose to live a heterosexual life (sex, marriage, whatever) for years for one reason or another. That doesn't mean it was a good choice for them, but it was a choice they were able to make, just like I chose to live monogamously most of my adult life even though I'm wired poly and was completely miserable living mono.

I didn't think you were saying who and how someone *is* is a choice, but only that they have a choice about how they *act*. I also think you would agree, and maybe said, that no one should be *forced* to live in a way that runs counter to how they were born.
 
Actually I am more saying that some feel they do have an absolute wiring that dictates their identity and nature. And that is valid.

Some feel that don't have an absolute wiring to that effect and are free to make choices and define themselves. (Me.) That is also valid.

I don't believe it's valid for a hard wired person to say that because they are hard wired, EVERYONE is hard wired. I don't believe that a more fluid person has any business saying that others have a choice. I think we get to say what's what for ourselves and no one else. And that we've all got an obligation to be as understanding and accepting as possible (not just "tolerant" but actually embracing the ok-ness of being different) of other people.

I don't feel that I am wired mono or poly or gay or straight. I think that I am able to be happy with poly under the right set of circumstances, or mono if I am fortunate enough to have a single partner who fulfills some important criteria and roles that I specifically need.

I think that I am more on a sort of Kinsey scale thing where I'm mostly straight but not completely. I find women extremely attractive and I form emotional bonds with women, and on rare occasions I have felt moved to sexual expression of my love for women. But it's been a very long time since I had a sexual relationship with another female (because I was mono married for so long)...and so the only lady I have tried to be intimate with since then, maybe our levels of...Dom/sub energy?...active/passive role behavior?...aggression, or initiation?...it wasn't the best fit I think. I think both of us needed someone more inclined to take the lead perhaps. I don't know. I do know that I find her VERY HIGHLY attractive and I was more "in love" with her than I've been with many men.

But I find it much easier to make sexual connections with men.

I know people who are gender fluid who sometimes express themselves as male and sometimes as female. They aren't wired to be absolutely one or another thing, and they reserve a certain freedom to be either as they feel the need. I think that some of us are just...I dunno, indecisive like that? In some respects of life?

The only thing I can say for certain is that if I did not have a strong element of sadomasochistic activity in any relationship, having experienced it, I would feel that my love life were seriously lacking. Male or female, somebody needs to beat me properly or it's just not going to work. I need that more than I need sex. But NOT more than I need intimacy, closeness, connection, feelings of love and security. Some parts of a relationship are more important than others to me. Gender of my partner might be one of the least important. And number of partners doesn't matter that much except insofar as how much time I have and whether I'm going to worry about where I'm bestowing time and attention...which was the main problem (aside from any specific issues with individuals) that has led to me not being poly for now. I started wigging out about how I was spending my time.

Am I wired poly? I am maybe wired for the possibility. But I don't think it's such an absolute that I'm making an unfortunate choice to compromise my true nature in being mono right now. I'm really very happy with Zen.

The one thing I believe strongly enough to say I "know"...is that everybody deserves respect, happiness, love, compassion, understanding...and not only does it not matter how they identify themselves but it also doesn't matter (in my opinion) WHY they are however they are.

If one day a gay person told me they were not gay anymore, I might ask what brought about the change, but I'd never say, "You can't do that!" If a very masculine man one day decided to become a very feminine woman, I wouldn't assume that the masculine person I'd known before was a lie or a front, unless the person themselves told me that they felt they'd always been wearing a mask. I don't presume to tell anyone things about who they are, or force them to conform to how I think "people" are "supposed" to be. I just try to have an open mind. Who are you? You tell me.
 
Spork said:
Actually I am more saying that some feel they do have an absolute wiring that dictates their identity and nature. And that is valid.

Some feel that don't have an absolute wiring to that effect and are free to make choices and define themselves. (Me.) That is also valid.

I don't believe it's valid for a hard wired person to say that because they are hard wired, EVERYONE is hard wired. I don't believe that a more fluid person has any business saying that others have a choice. I think we get to say what's what for ourselves and no one else. And that we've all got an obligation to be as understanding and accepting as possible (not just "tolerant" but actually embracing the ok-ness of being different) of other people.
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I love this.

Personally, I don't feel "wired" mono or poly. They're options for me, that I can choose and un-choose as I move through life.

On the other hand, I'm very, very straight. I love my female friends, but I have never had the faintest hint of sexual desire for any of them, or any other women. The few times I have played with women in FMF situations, it has been because I wanted to impress a guy, and I hated every minute of it. I am (so far at least) incapable of even getting aroused if there is another woman in the room.

So, yeah, I see both sides, how something can feel like a choice and how it can feel like an unalterable part of yourself. Like you said, both are valid! It bothers me when I'm told I'm not really poly because I could also be fine in a monogamous relationship. I'd like to see poly-as-a-choice treated with equal weight as poly-identity. As long as someone is making the choice for THEMSELVES - not to please society or family or a spouse.
 
So, off of the philosophical tangents and blahblahblah for a minute here...(I could go on and on lol!)

My dentist has harped on me both of my visits so far about using a neti pot for sinus congestion. He keeps saying that he has never had a sinus infection, but practically everyone in his family are doctors of one kind or another and three of them are firm believers in the neti pot for sinus problems.

I wish he'd leave me be about this, I don't even have a sinus infection, I've only got some allergy related congestion that is completely normal for me this time of year and in fact it's less than usual because I'm not aggravating it with cigarette smoke. But in diagnosing my tooth pain he thought sinus problems might have been to blame (they were NOT, which is why I am now getting a root canal.)

Anyhow. The very idea of using a neti pot fills me with a combination of panic and nausea, so I'm gonna pass. Though at this point I am not feeling great, and I've reached that point where I'm no longer positive if this is really an allergy thing, or a cold. On the one hand, I ALWAYS have allergies this time of year. Always. On the other hand, I know tons of people who are sick right now with similar symptoms. I wish I could take some time off and rest but of course I can't. I've got more dental stuff coming up, he's finishing that root canal on Thursday.

At least I haven't been in pain now; I've been able to stop taking those horrendous medications.

Today my ex texted me asking if I knew this one particular person. I'm gonna say "Joe Smith" (that isn't his name.) I looked up "Joe" on Facebook and saw that we had one friend in common, a friend from the scene I've referred to simply as Viking before...we hooked up exactly once, our energy as lovers did not feel in synch to me and I had no desire to repeat the experience, so we went straight back to friendship and have been thus ever since. Well, "Joe" is friends with Viking, according to Facebook, and the guy looked vaguely familiar-ish maybe.

I suspect maybe I have been introduced to him in the fetish scene and if I saw him in person perhaps I'd remember him, but I don't think we ever KNEW each other in any meaningful or significant way.

I told my ex as much. He was asking because "Joe" is a coworker.

Viking has met my ex and because my ex radiates "crazy creepy" vibes, I got the "what's up with that guy??" after the bar social event my ex went to with me and I had to try and explain him to Viking. Ex's opinion of Viking was, "You slept with him? Gross. He's fatter than me and I could kick his ass." :rolleyes: So now one of Old Wolf's coworkers has those two in common. Who knows what he's heard.

He told Old Wolf that he "knows" me or hinted that he "knows what I'm into." Old Wolf is disgusted by the notion that there might be people out in the world who "know what I'm into" and he doesn't want to think about it or deal with it at work. I told him well then, don't. Tell the guy you're not comfortable discussing your ex wife with a coworker. But I imagine that Old Wolf is driving himself nuts now wondering what this guy has seen or knows about me. Whatever. The thing is...sexuality is not necessarily as private for me as it is for some people like Old Wolf. In his world, unless you're carefully ONLY sharing it with only one person as a "precious gift" then it's heaped and tarnished with shame and you should cower under the weight of other people's opinions or some shit, I really do not know. Except for Song of course. He has told me at length what he knows of her sexual exploits as the stripper who banged all of his friends back in the 80's in Iowa (why do I care?) He did not judge her, but the very idea of me being nude at BDSM parties, well as far as he's concerned I may as well be doing the filthiest of porn...PEOPLE have SEEN me...oh dear oh my the shame...

Even though I have told him that it's not sexual, what I do there.

Whatever. WHATEVER. His head is stupid and I don't want to be in it. I told him I didn't care who said what behind my back, and I'm sorry but it's a small world and I can't ever guarantee he won't run into anyone who knows me. He said "Just another reason to move to Oregon."

Good bloody riddance.

Q went down there over the weekend to visit. He had really hoped he'd get some of his old friends to come to the house and hang out but none of them were interested or available. He got to spend some time with his brother. After I picked him up, he was talking about wanting to spend more time outdoors, so there was a park with a trail that I'd been curious about, we went and checked it out and walked the trail a bit. Then we went home and I got the streaming version of a movie he wanted to watch and we enjoyed that together. He is liking his high school, but has not made many friends in the immediate area of our apartment complex. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, he is a little bit isolated when he's at home. On the other hand, he isn't running around with teenagers who might be up to no good (speaking from memory of what I was doing as a teenager...I'd rather he didn't.) Video games seem pretty benign compared to pot, acid, cigarettes, and tons of sex...I can only hope he continues to stay out of "trouble" as much as possible, yet I wouldn't mind him having more friends either. He is going to the fitness room every day and exercising for half an hour or more. So that's good.

And we got him his "normal" haircut. Now he wants me to dye it blue.
 
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Feeling so much better this morning than I have for a few days now. I have had these allergies...or whatever...I'm pretty sure it's allergies, after all, it IS the peak of allergy season for me and it's all this stuffy sneezy stuff... Anyhow last night before bed I carefully picked out some symptom management meds and I think I chose wisely. Low dose ibuprofen, benedryl, and mucinex...and I slept well except for the cat being a jerk, and woke up feeling relatively human.

But the cat...oh my word, that cat. He ran across me, he pawed at me, he meowed at me, he stuck his nose in my ear and purred, he knocked things off of everywhere. I finally threatened to hit him with a pillow and he left the room. For a while. But the cat came back... This was like from 3am on. Empty food bowl = relentless harassment of the human. But I can't be mad at him of course, he's adorable.

Hoping to have lunch with Zen today. It depends on his work schedule. And there is a new...thing?...cropped up in the kink scene. A house, where they're having parties. I had met the people some time ago at one of the hypnosis events, and they had mentioned they were setting up a dungeon in their house. And they are having a munch tonight at a bar. I want to go because the place has pool tables and I'm hoping I get a chance to shoot some pool. I'm not on my ladies' team anymore; actually I'm not shooting league pool anymore at all, and I miss it.
 
Went to the munch thing at the bar on Wednesday. Spent most of the night talking to a guy friend. He and I got into the scene at about the same time, and bonded in a friendly manner over being new. Recently he posted on fetlife about having a problem getting enough practice in his top skills, because things always turned into sex too quickly. He was saying that he was having private interactions with partners, hoping for an opportunity to practice rope skills, and having it become a sex session before he'd made the most of that. Unfortunately the responders to his comment thread didn't know him or get what he was saying, they thought that he was doing scenes at parties and violating consent of rope bottoms or something...I don't know. Whatever they thought, they were wrong. I had to set them straight. The issue he's got is that because he's kind of new, he's self conscious about his fledgling Dom skills and he doesn't want to go to a party and have people see that he doesn't know what he's doing. So he doesn't practice at parties where he is limited to JUST doing what has been specifically negotiated, and where he might get direction and guidance from other rope tops. He's nervous about that. So he tries to do it at home...and ends up with girls where either he or they are hurrying it into sex and he's not getting his practice.

So, I've talked to him and volunteered to bottom for rope only, at parties, and told him he's just going to have to bite the bullet and do it...that no one is judging him, and those who are enthusiastic about rope will love to share their techniques and help him learn.

Well we had a fun conversation pretty much all night at the bar, he's an interesting person with an interesting life story. Older dude, lived in California and was really into surfing in the late 60's and 70's. I love hearing the stories of people who are older than me. I just need to make real sure he continues to understand that if there is flirting in the air, it is backed by no intent...because even if I felt that I were "available"...and I don't...I'm not really that attracted to him. I would be service bottoming for him, only. That was clearly stated in my offer, but as he isn't used to that kind of topping, the message may need to be reinforced from time to time. Especially if I give him the kind of attention I did the other night. Some guys get the wrong idea if you sit and listen to their stories for a few hours. *shrug*

I did not wind up shooting pool, though if I continue to go to these gatherings, I surely will in time. I forgot to bring my quarters and was just socializing instead.

Yesterday I did the second half of the root canal. I'd hit the internet and done some reading, so I knew that depending on the anatomy and condition of the tooth's interior, it is possible that even the most experienced and knowledgeable dentist can have a failed root canal. It's always possible, and can be beyond their control. Too much calcification or really tricky, twisty canals can cause them to not be able to get in there and clean out all of the dead or infected material. My dentist did not SAY that he was having those issues, but he seemed to be getting frustrated towards the end and acted as though the process was difficult. Muttering and such. And then at the end he says, "I don't think I'm going to charge you a copay for this root canal. Because long term...I don't really know if you're going to keep this tooth."

That tells me that there is some question of whether the root canal's intended purpose has successfully been met and it might flare up and have to be pulled. OK. He didn't say this explicitly but I can read between the lines. What pleases me here though is that I was expecting a really hefty bill in the mail for this procedure, since root canals are known to be costly (whether it was successful or not!)...and evidently he is not going to hit me with that. So I feel pretty damn good about this dentist right now.

I still need to get a cleaning; I'm scheduled for that Monday afternoon. I'm sure when it's all said and done, his office will be making plenty of $$ off of me since I had the extraction, he's billing my insurance for the root canal, and I'm coming back for the cleaning, and all this in about a month's span of time.

Now I just need to decide what in the heck I'm doing tonight. There is the dungeon party at the new "House" in town, which a number of people seem to really want me to attend...and there is Game Night at Voodoo, which is a matter of card and board games, not kink. I'm actually leaning towards Game Night. I have been wanting to play Cards Against Humanity again, since I pared down my collection to eliminate the "not that funny" cards. I have all of the expansions AND the spinoff game "Crabs Adjust Humidity" (all expansions) so I have a LOT of cards. And I was planning to attend the Blasphemy themed party on Saturday but now I think I probably won't, because Zen has been under a lot of stress at work and would like some concentrated us time...and that sounds really good to me, too. I told him that, not to sound too vanilla or anything, but I'm primarily craving closeness and connection lately and my longings have been to feel him in and on and around me...I want sex and snuggles. I want to sleep in his bed, all tangled up like pretzels as we did before.

Also, Zen has to work tonight and frankly I just don't really want to go to a BDSM party without him... So probably Game Night tonight, if anything, and probably a night in with Zen tomorrow...
 
Spork said:
...depending on the anatomy and condition of the tooth's interior, it is possible that even the most experienced and knowledgeable dentist can have a failed root canal.
Click to expand...
My dentist checks by X-ray, if he's filled it up properly until the bottom. Maybe that would be appropriate?
 
Tinwen said:
My dentist checks by X-ray, if he's filled it up properly until the bottom. Maybe that would be appropriate?
Click to expand...

X-Rays were done, but I get the sense that one of the canals was shorter than expected, possibly due to calcification...this isn't the end of the world necessarily, but the bottom line is that there was some question in his mind as to whether the tooth is really good to go or not.

The funny thing is, I am thinking that his tendency to not be completely transparent and just say the plain truth plainly, is probably costing him money right now. He went on and on about how many hundreds of root canals he's done in his career and how old hat it is to him, and all. But then I went on the net and read that it's one of the most labor intensive, difficult, and time consuming things you can get a dentist to do. And never guaranteed, no matter how good he is. If he'd said that, that there is NO guarantee it'll work...up front...granted some patients would probably go ahead with an extraction at that point, but I would have still gone for the root canal. Instead he (metaphorically) waved his dick around about his abilities, and when the end result was at least questionable to him, he felt he had to not charge me for it because he apparently couldn't back his bragging with perfect results? That's the impression I got anyways. He's an odd man who says odd things. He was subtly insulting his tech the whole time. She was snarking back at him, but it was a weird interaction. Actually he reminds me more than a bit of the Worm King in his manner of speaking.

Of course, I am lying there amusing myself in my head with all kinds of thoughts, some of which are at least a bit inappropriate. I posted on fetlife last week, "Would it be weird of me to ask my dentist to whisper, "good girl" in my ear as he finishes up my root canal?" So my kink friends and I have had a laugh at me framing things in my brain this way.

In fact I can say that I am going quite a bit down the rabbit hole in my own imagination and mentally calling him my "Dental Dom" and here is where this gets interesting...in using some of the same techniques of thought process, "Just relax. Let it happen. He knows what he's doing. Trust." My pain is less. My coping is better. I did this a lot in the last visit on Thursday last week, and I'm not being delusional here, I am knowingly doing this as a mental exercise, though amused in thinking, "Buddy if you only had the faintest idea what was going through my head..." but I'm experimenting with reframing ideas in my mind to see if different outcomes result.

And after doing this thinking and kind of forcing myself into a headspace, I actually was in MUCH less pain after last week's procedure than I'd been at any other point. Sometimes perspective is everything. Zen has talked about how he thinks that everything is about brain chemistry...everything you perceive, your thoughts and actions and outcomes... Change your brain chemistry and you can change everything. Well, that might be oversimplifying things a little bit. But I enjoy running some experiments in changing how I frame things to try and change the outcomes.

I made myself much more comfortable and relaxed by controlling my thought processes, and had less lingering pain afterwards. Maybe there is a causation and maybe not. Though I know that getting in a certain "zone" back when I was getting tattoos had a strong effect on how I managed my pain. One time when I failed to get myself in the right headspace for it, my tattoo session had to be stopped and the rest of the work postponed, because I started uncontrollably trembling. When I'm able to get in my nearly meditative state, I don't have that problem. And all things BDSM related are about those kinds of mental states.

So there I am. Thinking inappropriate thoughts about my dentist and joking about it with my kink friends later. Today I go back for cleaning. And we will see if any smaller cavities or issues are lurking in there undetected thus far.

Now, the weekend recap...

It was a weekend of asking myself what I really felt like doing, and similar I think with Zen who had a tough week at work. There were potential dungeon parties to go to both Friday and Saturday night, and we attended neither of them. He had to work Friday, and I didn't want to go without him. Instead I went to Voodoo for Game Night, and played Cards Against Humanity. That was a LOT of fun. Saturday night neither of us felt any great enthusiasm to go to the Blasphemy themed party so we stayed in and I spent the night with him. Wonderful sex, wonderful snuggles. My thigh muscles still feel kind of funny. And last night, we got together for dinner and a movie at my apartment.

Yesterday I visited with Ninja and with Old Wolf for a few hours. I mainly went down there to check in with my son, I didn't see him the last time I was there and I felt a need to. We talked about his plans for college and such. All fairly normal there.

Regarding Old Wolf though...there is a thing that has come up a number of times in our interactions, and I'm trying to nip it in the bud. He will demand a piece of information. Say a dollar amount of some bill or something. And I won't know off the top of my head, because I keep all of these figures in spreadsheets, many many financial data points, all logged and available for retrieval but maybe not when I'm on a break at work or driving my car or sitting in his garage. But if I refuse to give an answer off the top of my head because I don't store the information accurately there, I store it in a spreadsheet I'd have to look at, he demands a ballpark number, and if I don't give one, he'll then start throwing out ridiculous numbers. So I am forced to say something to shut him up so that he can go on with the conversation. Then later if I find it's different and I let him know the REAL number he is like, "Ahhh so you were lying and hiding things from me"...and I wasn't, and I clearly said that I can't be expected to just pull numbers from my brain, I need to look at the records. But it's a lot like being on trial with a jerky, tricky lawyer who will demand details from memory that one wouldn't necessarily remember, and then use one's faulty human memory to discredit them a little while later in the proceedings. Like they are lying, when in fact they were just being expected to remember something they can't. And he'll call to discuss things verbally even after I've sent emails or texts with the real figures, just to try and muddy up the situation with words that he can later play "he said she said" with. Sometimes he tries to say that I said things, when I didn't. Sometimes he remembers wrong, but insists he's right.

I'm very tired of this game. And I emailed him earlier and told him so. Basically if there is something logistical and/or important to be discussed, an obligation or agreement to be made or anything binding, then we're at a point it needs to be in writing. There should be a paper trail (even an electronic one like email or text) for anything of significance. Is that unreasonable for me to ask? I don't think it is... But he calls and says he doesn't have time to read my email or text (even if it's not long) and for me to "just tell him."
 
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I have deleted a post that I decided was whiny and petulant. It made me feel too needy, too emotional, and too weak, to have it out there. Saved the text in case I want to chew on those ideas another time.

I'm moody today but I'll be fine.
 
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So.

Zen loves me. I believe this. I feel loved. Been fighting some insecure bullshit. We talked about it some when it came up. He asked me what he could do to make me feel better. I wasn't sure. Might need to fall back on the love languages concept. I am way up there in the words of affirmation category. Head and shoulders above everything else. It's why I am forever enumerating all of the things I love about him, here and to him and to others. That might be what I need...not "compliments" so much as to understand why he loves me. I can be incredibly unkind to myself at times and it is of immeasurably high value to have a loved one help me push that back.

I think we share some common ground on touch, but I think he might be higher than I am in the gifts and acts of service department because he exhibits those fairly often. I've noticed that people tend to give what they need to receive.

...

Me:
Words
Touch & Time (close)

Gifts

Service

Zen: (I am guessing)
Touch & Service

Time
Gifts

Words

...

Or something like that.

One thing I know is that the "can't keep my hands off of you" behavior makes me feel loved and he does that. And I sometimes wonder is my effusive complimenting behavior is uncomfortable for him...like he's not sure how to respond to it other than to simply thank me, or if it feels odd or awkward to him to be talked to that way...and I should understand if so because acts of service make me feel awkward and unsure how to react sometimes.

I adore Zen so much and I want to be...connected. Communicating. Expressing my needs without feeling like I'm overstepping what I have any right to expect of anyone...and I want to be less insecure and more confident in my ability to meet his needs and desires.

I deleted my post yesterday, too, because I think that some of my feelings are being influenced by not only ovulation hormone nudged droppy stuff but quite possibly also that I don't feel tip-tops healthwise. It's the absolute peak of my allergy season, which means my head is stuffy and I can't smell anything, can't taste food, have a mild but persistent headache, and generally am pretty much bleh. I don't feel sexy. I feel...half-squished. Like I wish I could sleep for about a week or two, and wake up when the ragweed or whatever it is has stopped doing whatever it does.

The peak of this is typically mid-September. It starts as early as August and is usually waning in October. I should be thankful, it used to result in a sinus or bronchial infection every single year. Now, especially since I'm not aggravating it with cigarette smoke, it's unpleasant but not THAT bad.

So the bottom line here is that the stuff I've been feeling squedgy about really doesn't deserve a lot of airtime, in my opinion...but I should instead focus on how, if I'm feeling difficult things, I can ask Zen to help me soothe and feel better, if he wants to. I do not expect my beloved to be a mind reader, although there are times he comes uncannily close.
 
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