The story of Spork.

Good night with Zen last night. Very good. He is truly a top notch lover, we had a few hours of fantastic sex. Then we went to Fazoli's for a late dinner. Talked more about living together and what that might mean.

One direction that our conversation went, that I found interesting to talk and think about... We discussed tempers. I wanted to assure him of the fact that I am a very even tempered person. I actually find myself to be kind of boring because I'm so steady, sometimes. Like once I've told my stories, I'm just a mellow sort of presence. I occasionally act dramatic or exaggerate for effect, but not seriously. I'm not prone to huge highs and lows like some people I know. My Mom has sometimes done over the top, violent things. She attacked my Dad with a tire iron once. She demolished a vehicle in broad daylight because she thought her husband (not my Dad, another one) was cheating on her. And she got away with it! And it turned out to not even be his car, it was a more or less identical car owned by a complete stranger, and she pushed it with her SUV across an intersection and battered it against a wall! She attacked a waitress who insulted Grandma, and that happened within the last few years.

She has the famous Scorpio temper.

And my Dad used to drink and get violent, punch holes in walls and generally demonstrate his anger. And my ex would do over the top things in anger, although I have to say that for the most part he restrained himself because he knew very well that I loathe violence.

But that's just it though, I can't stand violence. I don't even like spirited debate, or seeing people insult one another unless they are friends and joking, I don't like conflict, antagonism, I don't like displays of anger or rage, I really fear and avoid conflict and violence. At a recent discussion group, we were supposed to anonymously write down something we either feared, or regretted, or were ashamed to admit, and someone else would read our slip of paper...and never did we reveal who wrote what. Well, I wrote, "I fear violent conflict." And the person who read it, probably thinking "war" said, "don't we all?" Well no. No, we do not all. Apparently a LOT of people think that they are perfectly entitled to throw furious temper tantrums and scream and yell and get drunk and fuck shit up.

Now part of this for me was my upbringing, being scared of out of control adults as a kid, and part was living with my Aunt Jeanette, the person I adored and idolized above all others, who was a marvel of self control for the most part. You simply didn't go off the handle and act like a lunatic. You keep your cool and write a stern letter. We are not trash, we behave with a bit of class and dignity, thank you very much. And that's how I wanted to be.

But I may have taken the "stiff upper lip" a little too far (and yes, it's in my blood, because I'm more British than anything)...because I definitely had a bad habit in my marriage of not speaking my mind. Now granted, as my ex is how he is, it wouldn't have done me any good to express my feelings and thoughts. But the habit of swallowing my words, hiding my feelings and letting a pile of resentment grow in my heart is not one I wish to repeat, ever again. So, I'm trying really hard to do better. Does this mean I'm giving myself permission for tantrums? Oh, no. Not at all. I think I'll always be reasonable, tactful, and diplomatic more often than I'm not. I just want to be more transparent...and it is done with the greatest of love and gratitude for Zen, because he makes me feel safe to express myself. That means a lot. I don't take it for granted, and it isn't a gift I ever want to abuse.
 
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Stuff is happening!

The closing on Old Wolf's refinance is Saturday morning. I've got to be there, to sign out my interest in things, I suppose, but regardless I would, I need to see the new loan with my name NOT ON IT. That's a good thing. A very good thing.

I was extremely worried about his ability to accomplish this, but he is getting it done. So yay for that!

Crunching numbers and making plans. I have to figure out how to fit things I need to do, into the time I have to do them...but it's not bad.

Q had an orchestra concert last night. It was broadcast on public television in our area, that's pretty neat! I thought they did well. He said that his group didn't play as well as he'd have liked, but I guess that's why he's the musician and I'm not. Whatever. It was good. I took Zen, it was his first time to one of the boys' orchestra concerts. I hope he liked it. I think the kids do quite well, and they play some pretty interesting pieces of music.

Speaking of music...it's Christmas music time again. I think everyone has their favorites and least favorites. Almost all Christmas music falls into the category of "I can listen to it for a short time, like in a store, without it bothering me, and even let it set a slightly festive mood, but I will never choose to listen to it on purpose." There are exceptions to that on either end of my spectrum though...

Christmas songs that make me cringe and twitch in serious irritation...least favorite, hated songs:
- "We Need a Little Christmas"
- "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime"

I just can't abide those two.

Christmas songs I actually like:
- Carol of the Bells
(Requires a bit of explanation. There are so many versions of this song. The very famous Mannheim Steamroller version, which I think even involved Metallica, is really not much to my taste although it's cool, I don't want it playing in my house. It's too aggressive and obtrusive. What I love though, are the few times I've been able to hear the song performed by a handbell choir with no other accompaniment. Just simple, clean, and beautiful.)

- Music from the Nutcracker
Pretty much any of it. But yes, the iconic Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy. This music is so beautiful it makes me cry a bit. Not even kidding. If there is anything that better captures the best mental images I've got of the concept of Christmas, I really don't know what it is.

- O Tannenbaum, the Peanuts piano version by Vince Guaraldi Trio
And this is the ultimate unobtrusive, play it in the background on Christmas Day, music. Also, my Aunt Jeanette, who was one of the most (possibly THE most) influential people of my life story and gave me some of the elements of my own identity that I treasure most, was a huge Peanuts fan and loved this music. So when the Peanuts theme began to play on the radio in Zen's car not long ago, and he turned it up and mumbled something about Vince Guaraldi, he really scored another point in the "magical bits of commonality that make the case for why I love you so much."

Notice. For everything I like, there is a bit of story. Generally for the stuff I don't like, not so much. This might say something about how I like best things that are backed by a little story or it might say something about how I prefer to think about what I like, and not so much what I don't...
 
So Old Wolf's refi got kicked back because apparently some yo-yo didn't know what he was doing and misinterpreted the VA regs, or at least according to Old Wolf that happened. So fortunately he works in a place that handles this, and the loan is in their systems, so he's got his own supervisor trying to "fast track" it or whatever and hopefully closing will be back on sometime this week.

He is freaking out, because he pretty much assumed that the whole thing was a done deal, and nothing would possibly go wrong, so expecting to skip a mortgage payment, when the money arrived he would normally have used for that, he spent most of it more or less immediately. Which is very typical of him. His mentality with money is it's like a flow from a tap, it's on or it's off. Either he has money or he has none. If he has money, he'll throw it away as quickly as possible until he has none and then he will get by on nothing until more comes into his hands. There is no holding onto some extra in case of anything, ever.

I used to keep this in check by only allowing him to have access to a limited amount of the household money...but now he's got autonomy over his income and well, that's how he handles it. I was always more cautious and skeptical about things, or at least I wanted to be...if I'd been involved in all of this, I'd have had the philosophy of "the refi isn't a done deal until the funding happens" and I'd have at least held onto enough to cover the house payment if I'd had to.

But I tried to be cautious and skeptical of his expectations of windfalls...but the military used to put them into our hands fairly regularly. Several times I thought, "Well that seems too good to be true, so I'll wait and see" and then boom, we got some check for a bunch of money and I was pleasantly surprised. Well that's how our financial ruin came to be. He was SO DAMN SURE that the VA would re-evaluate him into a more favorable disability percentage, he had doctors who told him that with his back as bad as it was, he could surely get 100%. Not that I truly believe he is 100% disabled in the "cannot work any kind of a job" sense...but he was SO SURE he'd get the rating. I heard for all of 2014 and 2015 that we'd be getting a big increase in his monthly disability check and a big back payment, and just you wait everything will be wonderful. And so I didn't hassle him to get a job. And so I didn't put up a stronger argument when he moved sketchy homeless people into our house one after another...and I just let the crazy take over. It was easier to say "well, if you say so" and let him do whatever, than to try and fight it. We had our credit cards (which are all in my name, because I wanted to administer them)...paid off, back in 2014. By the end of last year, they were run all the way back up again.

And it wasn't all his doing. I certainly went to some concerts and spent some money. I have done the math, our spending was consistently 49% me and 51% him. Fairly even. But the thing is, I believed him. I didn't put any kind of brakes on the freight train, I just put on blinders and let the wreck unfold. He said the money would come, so I shrugged and acted like it would, and then it didn't. But he had gotten harder to "manage" (control) in later years, too. And now, I'm not even trying to control him anymore. I should not have to.

So here we are.

Fortunately I'm seriously considering bankruptcy anyways, so my liability for his house payments, up to the point of foreclosure, won't really be an issue anymore.

I have washed my hands of the man, more or less, I just wish I could wash my hands of all of the problems he creates.

Anyhow, so no closing. I did go down there Saturday anyways though, I wanted to fetch some of the holiday decorations.

And I went to a play party on Saturday, got some really fun time in with Fire and Hefe, and saw them again yesterday at a communications class. I've been missing them. My intentions to continue a friendship, I have to confess, I haven't followed through very well on at all. I've felt a bit withdrawn, like I'm hoarding my energy to build something, like a fort for me and Zen, to protect our growing partnership...life...thing... Metaphorically speaking, I don't know if it makes sense to anyone but when I consult my heart, it really feels like instead of running around sharing my energy with lots of people and beaming it out into the community, I've reeled it back in and concentrated it on this relationship, because I want it to thrive. It's not just sex or even love, but attention and interest. It's been very focused. And while I feel twinges of guilt because I think I've neglected some people who matter to me, I still feel really good about putting a lot of priority and focus on Zen, and I definitely want to keep doing that.

Which brings me to Zen. We continue to talk about living together. Frankly I'm really confident about the whole thing. I see a future where neither of us really knows how we ever got by without the other. There is something about being life-partnered. I mean, I can do the freewheeling solo thing, but I think that long term partnership is something I'm really good at. I have always felt like I made the best of a really difficult partnership with a really difficult person for 18 years. So now I'm like, "just imagine how good it could be, in a really loving relationship with a sweet, reasonable person like Zen."

And yeah, I think it will be something to adjust to, him and kiddo-Q in the same space...but I think we can make it work out, and we're in the home stretch with the boy now anyways. Just three and a half years, and he'll be a high school graduate, and I can nudge him out of the nest if necessary. Harsh as it seems to some people I know, I always told my boys that I wanted them to move out once they turned 18 and graduated. They have always known that I expect that of them. So in a few years, there will be a whole different sort of a chapter for Zen and I to live.

Maybe it will be here in Colorado Springs, and maybe not. I hope it will. I know he's got cause to wind up in Phoenix, I certainly don't dispute it, but I love it here. In the long run, I'd like to end up here in the Springs, even if we live in Arizona for a time. It feels like home here.

The communications class yesterday was interesting. It's honestly much more of a discussion group than a class. We were talking about how to say no. I think for the most part it became a big free for all conversation about how and why it is hard for so many of us to say no, and affirmations of support for one another, and so on...though we practiced trying to say no a bit at the end, honestly I don't know if hard no's are ever going to be easy for me. Fortunately, popping an excuse on the fly IS easy for me, I might be the master of the "soft no." So there was that. And in a twist of irony, there is a woman who comes to these classes, whom I have never met anywhere else...she says she is a world famous pro Domme, but I've never heard of her (not that it matters, that doesn't necessarily mean anything) but she is one of those people who, every time they open their mouths, they're telling you all the ways in which their lives are a huge crazy mess. Admitting to having no problem with violence is a sure way for me to want nothing to do with you, we can start there, and go on to the fact that I would bet my next paycheck she is an addict, and she talks about being molested, institutionalized, hospitalized, growing up a Gypsy and...well. So at the end, she thrust a scrap of paper into my hands and said "Here, take this, it's my phone number. Get in touch with me, I want to know about more discussion groups and events and stuff." And I'm like um... ok... So I really don't want her to have my number, and I really don't want her to ever know where I live, because she smells like questionable life choices, and while I respect her struggle and I like her, I do limit who is allowed in how close into my bubble. And that's how, at a class on saying no and enforcing your own boundaries, I found myself wondering how to tactfully enforce my boundaries against a woman I only know from the class...

Ain't that just life?
 
Mentioned a little while ago (a month or two, I forget), I was reconnecting with music from my teenage years, including a Satanic band called Electric Hellfire Club. I'd ordered a cheap used CD that I used to have when I was younger.

I just got an email that made me giggle and look at my screen strangely...

From Amazon: "<Spork>, did 'Kiss the Goat' meet your expectations?"

o_O
 
So Old Wolf called me yesterday freaking out. Apparently the person who "conditioned" his loan was a manager, and the people who were supposed to help just bounced it right back to this person, and it's not going through now or something. I just looked this morning and out of over $1500 he got on the first, about $200 is left. He says "mostly on the kids' Christmas presents" but that's baloney. Whatever. I must remind myself it's NOT MY PLACE to judge his spending and why he doesn't have his house payment right now. But he called yesterday and said he would just stop paying on the house, let them foreclose it, declare bankruptcy himself and go to Oregon anyways.

Fucking fantastic.

I mean, I just... When we first got together, he was in debt and I was 18. I took over all of his debts and problems, and I got his stuff paid off, and all of the cards ended up being in my name because he "couldn't be trusted" to manage the accounts...and then in the end, ran up a ton of debt in my name that is now my problem and if that weren't enough, I'll get a foreclosure on my record, too. After I continued to live there for a year after he threatened to kill me, just to try and make sure he could afford the house.

I used to think that his ruination of my life was just ignorant bumbling coincidence, I did not want to see it as malicious...but it is starting to feel like he took hold of an 18 year old and spent the last two decades deliberately trying to destroy her every hope and chance of happiness in every way he possibly could do. Just when I think "well, it's bad, but this too shall pass" I get hit with another curve-ball.

And he doesn't care! That's what fucking slays me. He doesn't care, he never cared. I worried and fretted about making sure stuff is paid on time, want to meet my obligations, fuss about my good name, and stress about my credit score. I have not paid a single bill so much as a moment late in...god, almost my whole adult life...I'd say since maybe 2002 or 2003, or longer? I can't remember the last time I asked for forbearance or failed to hold up my end. Even now! I'm considering bankruptcy but I am STILL paying stuff on time, because I can't just not do that. My word is good, or what else have I got? But no, it's all going to go right out the window, and he doesn't give a damn. All he cares about is that he doesn't have a mommy woman anymore and I'm out there having a relationship and being happy "because it's easy for me I've got a vagina" and he's going to be alone forever and die alone and no one will ever touch him again.

GAH!!

So my friend Supernova who continues to be a flirt tried to send me "here's your daily bullshit that's supposed to make you smile or something" messages yesterday. And I was just not in the mood for it, with all of this troubling my mind. And I said, I dunno, something to that effect of that I was stressed. He said "we should do butt stuff, it would make you feel better" and man...I'm like NOT ONLY NO, BUT REALLY NO, AND STOP TRYING TO CHEER ME UP BECAUSE NO TO THAT TOO. and kind of told him what was going on. He says that if I need a person to take a beating so I can vent my anger, he would volunteer for that. That one of our friends "tries her best to hurt him, and can't and it's adorable really"...

It reminded me of the time that Zen gave me a pillow and wiffle ball bat lesson on safely throwing a violent fit and venting like that.

And here is why neither of those things was really on target for me.

I have an imaginary phantom self that gets all ragey and violent in my mind. I fantasize and visualize a destructive rampage when I need to, (she can dance, too, which real Spork also cannot do.) And outer me is calm and quiet. Very calm, very quiet. And the very last thing that I need or want, is to throw an "adorable" but utterly ineffective temper tantrum in the actual physical world. No, there is ZERO value in "venting" in that way for me. What that would do for me, would be to completely convince me that I'm helpless and my anger and position is futile no matter how justified. I'd end up feeling more powerless than ever. At least my way, I am in control of myself. Which gives me control over SOMETHING.

I said to him... "You see those mountains over there?" (you can see them from anywhere in this town.) "Those mountains don't control the storms, the wind, the rain or snow. The wildfires or the sun beating down. They're rocks, and they just sit there and take it. But at the end of the day, a rock is still a rock. Still sitting there. Rocks can survive all sorts of things. I am a rock. I've always been a rock. And at the end of the day, the fires may burn and the storms may blow, but I'll still be here."

That's kind of my serenity prayer, or at least the best I can do.

Now on top of...THAT...crap... Normally my lady cycles do not bring me a lot of grief, but once in a while they do. Maybe stress is a contributing factor, I really don't know. But I've got horrible hormonal acne (that is ugly, and hurts) and belly cramps, and I feel gross in my own skin today.

I had been looking forward to sex with Zen tonight, which normally even with my period I just wouldn't care and we would proceed, but today I just can't imagine even enjoying sex with all of this going on. But I would give anything for some snuggles and warmth and comfort. So I have sent him a message to that effect, even though it makes me feel like a terrible and disappointing girlfriend.

I hate having problems. I hate bringing them with me into interactions with people I love. I don't want to be...I dunno, that girl, the one with drama and always something to complain about. No one likes that.

I swear, sometimes I feel like I just don't even know how to human properly.
 
This morning was interesting. We had some snow. Not much. And the roads were not pristine but not horrible. Mainly because the dryness helps prevent stuff from becoming ice. They sanded, and it's just a sort of muddy grit everywhere. But it still is very cold.

My son got up, thinking he ought to not have to go to school today. Which was nonsense. This weather event just wasn't bad enough. I've just bought him a winter coat, and he's got thermal underwear and a scarf and hat and all. No excuse. He could go out and catch the bus. But he's all "I heard on the news the wind chill is like zero degrees and we shouldn't have to be outside and this is bullshit!" He was dragging ass, and I had a feeling...

See I'm in the position of a new single parent, and on top of that the kid has just hit high school and suddenly grown considerably taller than me. He is, on many fronts, in the primest of prime positions to start testing boundaries and initiating power plays. I used to walk all over my Mom as a teenager, so I am wary. And I've seen what happens when a teenage boy thinks he can bully his mother around. I've seen teenage boys get physically violent to their moms before. I'm not taking any chances on the boy losing his respect for me as a parent. I'm walking a delicate line. I want to be close and have a good relationship, but not at the expense of surrendering my parental authority and letting him go bad. And he is already struggling in a couple of his classes. I've given him some leeway because he's been through a lot, but he really can't be missing school.

Today was one of those "I will put my foot down, whatever it takes" kind of days.

Understand that getting to his school, there are only a few routes, it's up on a mesa and in general you have to climb a scary hill.

http://www.westsidepioneer.com/Articles/031711/FillmoreHill.jpg

And it is steeper than it looks in that picture.

And I have thought to myself many times that I'd have to find a better way if I ever had to get there in the snow, because that hill would be awful. A coworker tells about how she started sliding one time and got to the bottom and looked up, and a semi truck was sliding sideways down the hill and she had to whip around and off road it to get out of harm's way. Stories abound of the horror of this hill in the wintertime. Also, I'm a snow chicken, bigtime, I strongly prefer not to drive on even questionable conditions if I can avoid it, and Q knows that, heck everybody knows that, about me.

Well, I got out of the shower, and sure enough, the kid who had been acting "sluggish" this morning was sitting in the living room and said he missed the bus. He was thinking, I know, that there was no way I'd drive him to school in this weather and he'd get a day at home to play video games.

Not a chance in hell, kid. Nice try. And I was furious.

He is losing access to all of his electronic entertainment for a week. And furthermore, I told him to put his warm stuff back on, I'm taking him to school, and he'd better hope we make it up Fillmore Street hill. I went on and on all the way there about how dangerous it is, and how scared I was, and how I'd heard about these horrible wrecks and I sure hoped they'd sanded and salted it, and so on. And then I said, "It would have been really easy, to just call in to work, to miss work today, I could have gotten away with it you know, and to stay home and let you stay home...no stress, no fighting, a nice fun day off for both of us. Instead I'm driving on snow up this stupid hill to get your dumb ass to school, I'm scared to death and I'm putting a lot at risk, and I want you to tell me why. Why am I doing this?"

I let him start trying to puzzle it out, as we headed up the 10% grade on just enough shmutz to make it seem really dangerous (I actually had pretty good control, but made a show of being in mortal terror.)

He mumbled about how my life is really stressful so I'm trying to get him to understand how stressful adult life is and how for SOME reason I have to make everything this whole lecture and can't just let him have a break, and I don't understand how hard his school is...

And we reached the top. And I said, first, "Well, we made it up. Now I just hope I can make it down again after I drop you off." And then explained that no, he's wrong. That first of all, I conquered my fear to be a good parent today and I'm proud of myself, and secondly he needs to understand that there is LITERALLY NOTHING in my whole life that is more important than parenting him correctly is to me. Not my safety or my car or my job or Christmas, not my comfort or stress or relationships, not anything. And today I realized that there was only one thing I could do, to teach him the right lesson instead of the wrong one. Get brave, get in the car, and do this, regardless. That teaching my son a correct thing instead of a wrong thing is worth sacrificing everything else, so that is what I have to do.

He was silent for a while. And then he asked me if there was not another route I could possibly take to get back to work. I told him no, I'm going back down the hill, I'm already late and don't have time to take a longer but safer route. Of course I made it back down, just fine. And yeah, it was a little scary but not awfully so, because at least I knew there was no ice.

When I get home I'm locking up his laptop, devices, power cords, etc. for a week. I will not be pushed.

No word from Old Wolf but Ninja has an orchestra concert tonight, so I'm going down there for that, imagine I'll get an earful of redundant stress babble from him. I realized eventually that as upset as I am about him and everything, and as stressed as I initially was, this is just another one of those situations where first of all, I don't know how it ultimately will play out. The "fat lady" has not "sung" with regard to the situation. So I need to chill and not get worked up. Secondly that even in the worst case scenario, going forward, that being upset does me no good. I must simply proceed, protect myself as best as I may, and deal with whatever happens.

I don't let his stress become my stress anymore. I left for these reasons. I don't sit in a house being scared of a man with a gun and I don't sit in a garage smoking pack after pack of cigarettes, losing weight until I look like a skeleton and letting fear dig wrinkles into my brow. Interestingly, I had a deep furrow between my eyebrows two years ago. Did not eat or drink enough, smoked too much, stressed constantly, no self care. Now, I relax, I try to be conscious and mindful of my state as best I can, regardless of the facts of the situations in my life, and I don't smoke. I eat and drink enough (water, not soda) and I moisturize my skin and I take better care of me. And what I thought was a permanent trench in my skin has gone. People tell me I look better, happier, and less stressed out now. I'm not going back. No matter what he says or does.

In other, happier news, Zen and I had a good talk last night and while some of the stuff that was discussed is private and I won't be sharing it, I think it was a good evening. I feel very strong and safe in my love of him. I used to be scared, or at least live in a state of cynical disbelief, over words like "forever." Well. I hope I can be good enough to him and for him for the rest of his days that he never decides he'd be better off without me in his life. Because I can't imagine a more perfect person for me. I've tried. I've had plenty of tries to find something good and right and I've never found anyone more perfect to love and be loved by. He's everything I ever needed, whether I knew it or not. I don't think I expected that someone like him might even exist, and there he is. So that's how I feel about Zen today, deeply grateful and still in love. I want...for any happiness I have brought him thus far to be the merest tip of the iceberg. I want him to have a better life than what he ever dreamed was remotely even possible. And if I'm being honest I am a bit impatient to stow my baggage and get my (mainly financial) issues under control so that I can get started building and saving to realize some of the scenes I envision. I'm very patient when it comes to fulfillment, I just want to be making progress. I want to get there.

What is "there?"

There is a house, where we all have the space we need and want, and we can share time when we want to. Where we can set up and play games and laugh and watch movies and I can cook us tacos. Where whenever we want, Zen and I can fall asleep tangled up together and wake up and shag like rabbits. And where he's got a nice big space to throw a whip and we can do all of the delightful and degenerate things we enjoy. And then go drink iced tea in the sunshine in fluffy bathrobes. Where he can invite any friends or family he wants and they can be impressed with his home and he can watch football and I can make art and where my kid can finish growing up without being afraid of the volatile moods of his Dad ever again, and where we can just be happy. I want to decorate it for Halloween and Christmas. I want to share a life of happiness with the man I love, and feel like what I am trying to do does not fall upon deaf ears and blind eyes and an uncaring and miserable spirit. And I can build all of that, I know I can. If I have help it will go faster, if I don't, then I'll do it anyways. Optimism and pragmatism are hand in hand with me. The future is out there just waiting. I'm pretty excited about that. It's pretty damned cool.

So the obstacles of today don't hold THAT much power, compared to the dreams I have, of tomorrow. Not really. :)
 
I have a train of thought this morning that doesn't have much to do with anything specific going on in life. Just...pondering. But I have to issue the strongest of warnings, if sexual assault is triggery to you, DON'T READ THIS. There is a story in here that is...rough.

I'm thinking about how some people like causing emotional pain and trauma to others, and some do not. I wonder what it is about someone, that they would enjoy making another human being hurt inside. That would allow them to grin at the thought that maybe they could drive someone to tears or self harm. I have never, ever, in my life, no matter what anyone did to me or what I thought of them, ever thought that it was acceptable or something I wanted to do, to say things to another person simply to cause emotional pain and harm to them.

I do not have that in me.

But I see it everywhere. I see it online. I see it in the behavior of bullies, trolls, males and females, young and old, I see it in politics and in the office and I saw it in the smallest of children who were my peers when I was a child. And I see so many say that "no one can make you feel anything" and that we are responsible for our own emotions...is it then perfectly ok to drive someone into such a deep well of pain and depression that they want to die? Does that just mean you're helping to eliminate a person who is too weak to cut it in the world? Is it funny?

I've never thought so. Seriously, the idea of causing someone emotional or mental pain HURTS ME. Repels me. There is not a single speck of my being that wants to do that, or relishes it. When a man I wanted nothing to do with ever came on to me there has never, EVER, been a part of me that took any pleasure in rejecting him. Not anyone ever. When my ex sat a few feet from me with a loaded handgun pointed at me and barraged me with vicious words for hours, I still didn't want to hurt his feelings. I never, ever did.

In fact learning that my ex enjoys the emotional pain of others sometimes, especially when he's hurting himself, his spiteful side, is probably the first and biggest wedge that got driven between us. I stopped trusting him with my feelings a long time ago.

Am I weird? Most people seem alright with sometimes hurting other people's feelings. I hate it almost as much as I abhor physical violence (of the harmful and non-consensual variety of course.) And thinking about someone causing emotional pain, and smiling or laughing about it, triggers my most righteous rage fantasies...much as I might abhor violence, I will imagine it meting out the justified destruction of those who are truly cruel, who seek to do real harm. I guess I've got an inner superhero or something.

But our society in general seems to treat emotional harm, often enough, as a justifiable gauntlet people should have to run, to "toughen up" enough to function. But the same people who act that way, often act out in big violent ways if anyone does emotional harm to them, whether they meant to or wanted to or not. (My ex, of course, comes to mind, just like all of the bullies who can dish it out, but can't take it.)

And I wonder if this isn't one reason we have such a hard time treating sexual assault with the seriousness I think it deserves. I mean, in addition to the fact that it's just damn hard to prove most of the time, when it occurs, the physical damage isn't always that severe. The woman's injuries, if she has any, she can usually recover from, in your typical male on female rape situation. It need not in fact differ in a physical sense from a consensual act of sex, the only thing missing can sometimes BE consent, defining it as what it is. The damage is inside, in her mind and heart. It's an emotional and mental injury. But in our world...those wounds just aren't taken seriously by an awful lot of people. Of course some of the same people who would have a tough time wrapping their heads around that concept would have no trouble being sensitive to a veteran with PTSD. Because hey, that's a tough person who just simply took more than a mortal human can take. But a sexual assault survivor? She survived sex. She should get over it, jeez. You could try to explain the deep feelings of violation, and how incredibly hard it can be to trust, after an emotional wounding that deep, and how you wonder if you'll ever feel safe in your own body again, and you'd be explaining it to a grinning, leering bully who is just happily feeding off of your suffering, ready to hurt you and knowing there's nothing you can ever do about it before, during, or after the fact. I want to smash that grinning face in my mind.

I know where that idea came from, so I guess I should tell the story. It's not my story. My own experience with sexual assault was a minor footnote in my personal history, it didn't really scar me much. I liken it to stepping in dog poop with a bare foot. I felt gross, but I washed, I prefer not to remember exactly the sensation of stepping in poop with a bare foot, you know, any more than the specific events of that night. But it's merely an unpleasantness, and not a deep trauma. If that makes sense. The trauma was from another incident entirely. A party. I wasn't there. I went the next day, and I can't even remember why. I arrived and found out what had happened. A girl (14/15) I barely knew had gone to a "parents not home" party. She was the only girl and there were a bunch of boys. 5-8 of them, I don't remember for sure, I only recall that 2 of them were people I had trusted, had consensual sex with several times, and dear friends as far as I was aware. A plain, chubby, nerdy, virgin girl. Who would not look me in the eye or say anything but, "I want to go home" in a quiet voice that morning. I barely knew her. Long story short, everyone got drunk the night before, they encouraged her to drink most of the booze, she was semi conscious, and all of the boys had a turn with her. One of the guys that I'd been with prior was...and this is what is a knife in my heart to this day, over 20 years later...laughing about how they sodomized her with a plunger handle. They said she had a good time. They said it was a lot of fun. The other boy I had trusted so much he lived in my basement on my couch for months. I thought they were both friends, I thought they were not monsters. But they were. And they didn't even understand that they'd done anything wrong, and even many years later, one of them found me on Myspace and the first message he sent asked, "You're not still mad about that bitch at that party are you?"

Un. Fucking. Believable.

That girl... I tried for a week to get her to report to the cops. She refused, and she begged and begged me not to tell anyone. She didn't want people to know, and rightly so, the school would have just grinned that grin, how do you live with that? Your body isn't your own anymore. Your humiliation and use are just entertainment, how can you cope with that? She didn't want her parents to know. Of course the boys ended up telling everyone at school, but no charges were ever pressed. It was not really considered rape, although I was in an incandescent fury and called it that and I would not see one of those boys without growling and spitting on him in the future. I remember one of them grinning at me...so amused at my helpless pointless anger. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to die a little. And the girl? A few weeks after it happened, she disappeared. I don't know what happened to her. She just stopped coming to school. I didn't know her well enough to know what became of her, I didn't know who to even ask, and she had completely rejected my offers to get involved, to speak for her. She just wanted to forget it ever happened, but when those boys made it impossible, she vanished. Maybe she ran away. I like to hope so.

So when I see people trolling, deliberately poking at the sensitivities of others, trying to cause emotional and mental hurt to other people for their own fun, online, or anywhere...that is the story I will not ever forget. It is exactly that same monster in anyone who likes to do that. The only response I've got that makes any sense to do, is to disengage. Online, I block, ignore, stop participating in the conversation. In person, I cut people like that out of my life like the toxic cancers they are. Or at least I try. Sometimes life hands me a difficult situation where I am supposed to try and "understand" when someone I otherwise respect or like or care about has done a bullying action to someone else. What's the big deal? What's the big deal? What's the big deal? I wish I could replay what I remember to answer that question for them. I really do. And then punch 'em right in the face. Preferably while wearing a cape. *sigh*

Lest anyone think that because I am putting these words here, I'm wrestling with anything heavy today, I really am not. I am sitting here being a rock. I'm in a normal, calm, mood. I'm just thinking. I've already wrestled the feelings so many times on this subject that I'm pretty numb actually. It's just that some mornings my mind latches onto a train of thought and I want to see where it's going...
 
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So back to the here and the now.

I went to my older son's orchestra concert last night. He has a new girlfriend. She seems nice.

I have to admit, his high school orchestra is not as good as my younger son's. Just as well I suppose, he's graduating anyways, and Q has a few years yet to go. Old Wolf was there, he's pretty depressed lately. But on the bright side, I was right when I said that freaking the fuck out about the refi is premature. I got upset at first but then I realized...it's too soon to know if a disaster is afoot. He says his supervisor has taken personal charge of it and swears up and down that it WILL be closed by the 15th (when the skipped payment is officially "late") so Wolf had no more talk to talk about letting the house go to foreclosure. Hopefully it won't come to that. But yeah, he's still got some depression stuff going on. He was in a "bad place."

His moods are always extreme and he just explodes words out of his face, which he may or may not mean, whenever he is feeling something. And he expects no one to hold him in any way accountable once the mood has passed, for anything he's said or done. I don't know. Whatever.

I was saddened by the way things shook out with timing and weather, I was hoping I might get home from the orchestra concert and it might work out for Zen to come by for a bit. We'd talked about that. But I didn't get home until 9:30 and it was snowing again. I don't blame him one bit for not coming out at that point. I don't think I'd have wanted to drive that late in questionable conditions either. I still missed him. He makes me feel so safe and so loved. Well, we're going to do lunch tomorrow, so I'll be patient until then.

And finally, coming in to work this morning, my windshield made an alarming POP noise and this huge crack appeared in it. I think I may have had a tiny scratch or nick or weak point and the big temperature changes from single digit freezing to running the heat to defrost the windshield, just exploded it into this big crack, it was both startling and distracting. I'm not sure when I'll get that fixed, but I don't live in a state where they tend to enforce things like that. I have before, so I know in some places you have to hurry up and get it taken care of fast...but not here. I'll get around to it.

I'm going to skip a discussion group tonight, I have wayyyy too much to do and not enough time to get it done. I've got to get a tree up and finish Christmas shopping and stuff.

Oh, but a cool thing is happening, my kiddo is going to his Dad's house for the weekend, and Zen's got off the whole day on Sunday as do I for a change, so I'm hoping he can come over after our party on Saturday night and spend time with me at my place and see my decorations and stuff and maybe we can spend the night together or spend the day together on Sunday...
 
So to tie together the ideas of a few posts...

There was once a time where I felt betrayed in my trust of some people and I was very justifiably angry about it, but that did me no good. None at all. All of my rage and fury could do nothing. So I don't do that anymore, because there is no point, though in cases where it feels like the appropriate response, I certainly still have fantasies and images in my mind.

To coalesce my various points of ponderment, as last night I watched the film, "Maleficent" which in case anyone did not realize, is a very heavy handed metaphor for rape, complete with a social justice warrior's wet dream of a revenge scenario at the end. And a dragon! I love the movie for its costumes, sets, effects, and visuals, but the story is kind of sad. Thing is...I want to have faith in humanity. I want it so badly. And then sometimes people do things that discourage me. But then sometimes there are people like Zen, who are so healing and good for my spirit.

And of course the tricky thing of reconciling stuff that makes me hurt and upset and angry and trips my most righteous of triggers...but under very different circumstances some of those concepts or ideas that are their close taboo kin, might actually turn me on in a fantasy sense. I think that's common. That the calm, rational brain knows right from wrong and isn't shy about it, but sometimes the inflamed carnal brain likes to venture into that twisted playground. It's maybe a motivation for some to explore BDSM and other sorts of "alternate" sexuality, playing in a safe sandbox with ideas that, if taken to their most real of extremes, are morally repulsive, or at least...challenging.

It is one thing I love about Zen, is that he feels like a very safe partner to understand where the line is drawn. He can treat me with respect and love, even after we've played with ideas or spoken words of objectification or after he has done some rather extreme things to my body. I can trust him to come back and treat me like not only a human being, but one he is quite fond of.

At least I hope he is.

I'm struggling a little lately. Feeling like a bundle of problems, not worth anybody's bother. I've been scared to death that Zen will just break up with me, because it's simpler to be on one's own...I've been more dramatic and had more issues come up than usual. I often feel like, if I'm not bringing happiness and joy to the table, on the balance, then why would anyone want to put up with me? Do I really provide enough benefit to be worth the negatives? The more negatives come up, the more I feel that way.

I've never loved anyone so much, and sometimes, I'm still scared.

I'm scared of him because he has the power to break my heart. I gave it to him. I'm...I'm all in. I'll go as far with all of this as he will let us go. He is slower to change things in his life though, and sometimes I'm scared he is having second thoughts, or I'm going to be too much and just put him off or something.

I'm scared of myself. I'm afraid that I've got a deep belief that I don't deserve to love and be loved, that deep down I believe myself to be unlovable, and that I will in some way sabotage anything good that comes my way. I'll act badly and won't see it until it's too late.

The only thing that makes me feel any better are sorts of affirmations and validations, and yet I feel like seeking them is bad behavior on my part.

And I'm fighting an urge to delete all of this, because it's just more drama on my part. I am even finding myself a bit insufferable right now.

So! I'll change my tune. And now, I will talk about Ace Hardware. I already told Zen this story, but what the hell, maybe someone else will read this. I went to Ace last night after work. Quaint mid-sized hardware store. I had such a wonderful time, although I did not buy anything. First of all, I am a complete degenerate and I was imagining using brass pipe fittings to create a um...well an elaborate motorized contraption, but one with certain moving parts and gears and cranks and devices and it would be steampunk themed and I wonder if anyone has made one such apparatus with a steampunk look. I have also thought about making dungeon furniture with a sort of H.R. Giger biomechanical theme to it...I would love to make functional adult apparatus of this nature but with an artistic twist to it. And then I fondled the chains. And then I played with the magnets. And I wandered and gazed longingly at the power tools and paints, and adhesives... It's good that I don't have money to spend these days. Though I think that in light of how the last few years have gone, I will be less inclined to frivolity than I was in the past. But I know, for all I have big ideas, putting in the time and effort to bring them to completion...well, my track record is not the best.

Still, I had a wonderful time wandering around the hardware store thinking very pervy (but creative!) thoughts.

Oh, and my failure to get a Christmas tree. Ugh. So I've seen them now at a couple of local grocery chains, and they wanted about $45 for them. I thought that was a bit much, so I passed. Then I went to the lot across the street from my house last night and that guy wanted $70-90 for the same sorts of trees. I'm no fan of fake trees...guess the grocery store trees are the bargain...
 
Well my hardship today is a simple matter of basic fatigue. I'm sleepy. But I'm coping.

I had a to-do list a mile long, and I failed to get a lot of it done, and my list for this week is even longer...so being tired just doesn't serve my purposes very well at all. I need to maximize my effectiveness in whatever time I have to work with.

So, I shall go on my lunch break and get a Christmas tree. Which I failed to do, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday or Sunday...but damn it I'll get it done. Then tonight I'll hit up Walmart, and hopefully I'll still have enough steam after it's all said and done, to go home and decorate.

I need to find myself a new doctor and get in to see them this week. I've been putting off getting a new doctor and I'm overdue for a checkup anyhow. I had one when I was on my ex's Army insurance coverage and I liked the group and I tried to stick with them, but found out last year when I got some care, that they're out of network for my insurance. So without Wolf's coverage, it costs more than it ought. So yeah, I need a new doctor. Boo. Pain in the ass. But it's been on my to do list long enough I need to just knock it out.

And I need to get my van in to be looked at. She's putting off steam from the radiator area, intermittently and usually at stop lights...but she's not overheating, and it isn't coming from the cap. Maybe hoses and stuff. So that, I need to address, and I've come to dread this sort of thing because my van is old and I know that if I let any mechanic have a look at it, they'll call and tell me about thousands of dollars in other repairs I probably need and we'll do triage on it and do whatever I can afford, eating up whatever money I've got, and stressing me half to death about whatever I wasn't able to accomplish. And yet my vehicle runs really darn well! She's never let me down yet. But they are always finding something... Doesn't matter where I take it. It's always something.

I'm really trying my best to figure out how to do Christmas on a budget and still live with myself. I have built up a mess of pressure around the holidays over the years. I try to challenge it, to ask why it has to be this way, and can't it be more relaxed...but I haven't been able to shake the feeling, that I want everything to be PERFECT and if it's not, then I've basically spoiled the magic of Christmas for everyone I care about. Like my children will look at me with big tearful puppy eyes and ask, "don't you love us anymore?" if there is an insufficient pile of shiny bullshit under the tree for them to tear open, or if the lights don't twinkle, or if the turkey is too dry or if I don't find just the right selections of holiday music to play in the background.

Last year was awfully depressing. We still lived with Old Wolf. And he refused to participate, and we did the best we could with what we had but it wasn't much, and that entire home was just a huge bummer. I had a nice time out with the quad, but my kids weren't part of that. So it kind of sucked. Well this year, I have my cozy and warm apartment that doesn't feel like a hollow shell full of bad mojo, it feels like a HOME. And I've got some good movies, and I want to have a fire in the fireplace, and we'll have a nice tree and I'm gonna cook tacos.

But I am still fighting impulses to overdo things in one way or another, and having to cut back the grandiose plans I'm tempted to try and make.

The last weekend was a wonderful one. I got to spend time with Fire and Hefe and Analyst on Saturday, and we had a party at Voodoo and Zen showed up after work and gave me a scene...we had not scened at a party in quite a long time, and it was fantastic to get to do that. I got some great marks. And he spent the night at my place for the first time since Q was down at his dad's place. The cat was fussy about having another human in my bed, so he harassed Zen a bit until I had to evict him (the cat, not Zen) from my room. Woke up to another amazing round of amazing sex, and had our Sunday brunch, and watched a cool movie about Shakespeare together. It was a really good day. I got so sleepy towards the end though. I was all snuggled up on Zen and I drifted off more than once. And I am still sleepy today. I just didn't get quite enough rest the last couple of nights. Maybe I can bend time tonight, get everything done that I need to, and still get to bed early...

EDIT: Gotta say though, a whole day of intense contact with Zen was enough to settle my anxieties, reassure me, and leave me feeling happy and grounded and humming along in a healthier state of spirit. I think I managed to properly communicate to him yesterday that I'm pretty damned committed to this, to him, to us, and that did not seem to freak him out...so I've been able to push back on the part of me that had been saying that I am too much, that I want too much, hope for too much. It was just a really good day and I needed it. We still need to get the hang of getting a decent night's sleep when we are in the same bed, but it's worth the lost Z's to have had a night snuggled up next to his body. I treasure memories of how that sort of thing feels for a long time after we do it.
 
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....and then my plans changed! But it's all good.

I did get my tree yesterday, on my lunch break, and ran it home and set it up real fast. So that got done, yay!

I was planning to go to the store after work, which I've been putting off. Well, I've decided I'll go on my lunch today for a "necessities only" trip and then after work I'll run the stuff home real fast before I go see Zen.

I didn't do it last night because Fire got a hold of me to come over and watch a movie. It's really, really nice to spend time with her and Hefe again. I think that we can be affectionate but nonsexual friends, she has said that the concept of "chosen family" is very important to her, and that's how I want to conduct my friendships...I want to have some that are really tight and we are like chosen family. Honestly though, in the long run, it's gonna have to include Zen to some degree or another if it's going to really be that way, I think. But we'll see as the years stretch on and go by, how things play out.

Hell. I could still wind up in Phoenix, Arizona with him. That would be interesting. Ultimately I don't care, as long as my future and his are wound together, that is what I want. It's what I see.

So anyhow. Movie. Last night. With Fire and Hefe. We saw Sausage Party which is a weird and very adult animated movie about sentient food. It's the kind of movie that makes me really hope that parents are screening what their kids are watching, because damned if some of the filthiest material out there isn't animated these days. It was funny though, a film that tries to make some big existential points behind a thin screen of extremely sophomoric humor. Much in the way that stoners would try to do. Like a couple hours of dick and fart jokes, but with this vague undercurrent of "reject authority and religion and go have an orgy, because the rules are bullshit man! And life is short!" Yes. You like weed, I get it. :cool:

But hey, I acknowledge that I do have an inner "Beavis and Butthead" dialogue sometimes, so I appreciated it to at least some extent...

Also I ordered a DVD of Fluke, because it's about time Zen saw me get all weepy and ridiculous over a movie. Fortunately it's the sort of film you can find used online for a couple of dollars, easy. Good ol' half.com to the rescue, I love that site for cheap hardcopies of whatever media I fancy.

So, just when I think that I'm getting to something resembling sanity and coming down off the highs of NRE, I have another wave of it wash over my life. I would love to know, at what point do you say "OK, this is now real actual love, that I am in, and no longer qualifies to be called NRE." Like what if you DO sustain crazy addictive levels of adoration for someone for a really long time? What do you call it when it's been like a decade or something? At what point can you stop being afraid that things will change and the spark will go out? Because Zen still has the ability to say something loving to me and make a feeling in my heart like someone releasing a thousand balloons or a cascade of iridescent champagne bubbles just exploding inside and filling me up to bursting with love, so yeah...seems maybe I'm premature in saying that the NRE is winding down, or maybe...maybe it just won't? Maybe it will just keep on being wonderful. Maybe this is just what it feels like to find the person who fits your spirit perfectly, and maybe I was wrong about "happily ever after" not even being a real or possible thing. I really don't know anymore. But I'll go with it and see where it takes me.

I have a job to do, in raising Q, and I'll get that accomplished, but the next phase belongs to me and Zen.

I feel quite a lot of guilt for something. See, I adore my kids. And Q...he was my baby. He was so damn cute. He was so snuggly. He was once my darling little child. And then he grew up, and for a time he hero worshipped his father, and he continues to seek validation from him, and he continues to look for admirable qualities in him, and he isn't interested much in a loving relationship with his Mom anymore. If anything he takes me for granted and he flies into a bit of a tantrum if he doesn't get his way. He absolutely is going to push me and try to take advantage, and the only thing that will hold him back from really bad teenage behavior is going to be his own ambitions and desires to be a good and successful person. Not his affection or love for me. Not anymore, not for a long time. My love as a mother for her child is easily dismissed by him, it's a given, and it doesn't matter. Earning love or anything positive from his Dad though...now that is something. Because it's hard to get. And this hurts me. And it hardens my spirit towards my kid. Frankly, while I don't want to admit this, I am literally counting the days (1021) until the boy turns 18, and I'm seeing the next few years as finishing out my sentence doing a job I didn't really want in the first place. I'm tired of feeling used and taken for granted. I'll do my duty by my kid. I'll get him to adulthood, and do my best to teach him what I can and support him until he graduates and all. But then, he's on his own.

But at least I've had some concept of this for a very long time. I've told my boys that they needed to grow up and become independent. Old Wolf was the one who always made empty promises. Not me.

So whether it makes me a bad person or not, I'm trying very hard not to focus on all of the elements of my ex that I see in my boy, and I'm trying very hard to just be a good Mom to him for the next few years and get through this. There. That was a confession of sorts, now wasn't it?

Back to me and Zen. He's afraid of what the future might hold. I don't know...I'm such a relentless optimist, I think it's going to be wonderful. I have a lot of faith in my own abilities to accomplish goals, things just take time. I pray I have the time to share with Zen what I have in mind, because I think he would be the happy and appreciative companion I always wanted in my life. He is able to be PRESENT in a good moment in ways that I need but never had. I have a game plan to fix my life troubles. I think in the next year I'll be in a much better position. I have to say in this town until my kiddo graduates, but then... Well, we could move to Phoenix, or maybe we could find a way to stay here in the long run, I guess we will see. I hope we can make a happy home anywhere so long as we are together.

Here is my fairy tale, my own idea of "happily ever after" in the very long run.

Zen appreciates me. My love is something that matters to him, and he shows it in ways that speak to me. A beautiful energy flows between and around us. I don't want my love to ever be alone again. The way I see it, I will be there to try and make his life as good as I can, all the way until the end of his days, probably 20-30 years, something like that if we are fortunate, and then I can live in a nice little old lady cottage somewhere, like a little bungalow or something, in my own end years and I can hopefully have my cat and my jigsaw puzzles and I'll talk to my Zen like he's still there, like he's watching me from the space between the specks of dust in a sunbeam, if I feel like it. I'll be a funny old lady with tattoos, in a fucking cottage, with crystals in the window and the autumn sun on the leaves of the trees lining my street. I'll make sure to write my stories. Until my own journey is over. I want very much to embrace what is beautiful about all of the phases of a life, just like enjoying what there is to enjoy about every season. We all have a story...even if sometimes it's hard to find the right words to tell it.

I think sometimes that Zen is afraid of what is coming in his life, and he's afraid to burden me with it as much as he's afraid to face it alone. I sure cannot keep the years and the aches and the trials to come away by sheer force of will, but I would say that I'd rather at least give whatever comfort and distraction my presence and love can bring, than leave my love to go through things by himself. And we still have a bunch of really good, fun years ahead, I think, before things get challenging.

You know what's really funny? When I think about happiness and peace and good things, I imagine warm golden sunshine, that mellow afternoon light along with things like tea in a mason jar and good books and cat naps. The funny part is that for a number of years, I was a goth, and while I don't paint my lips or nails black anymore, I still like the music and I still wear my Tripp pants. What the hell kind of a goth girl has a fondness for sunshine of any kind ever? No proper goth I've ever heard of. I ought to be fantasizing about running around in cemeteries under the full moon I guess... :p
 
Minor vent that has nothing to do with anything. I'm not a musician, but I know what I like and what I don't. And I do not like piano accompaniment to choirs, orchestras, handbell choirs, etc. I just don't! I feel like if an orchestra or a choir is good, they will sound beautiful on their own merits without a piano fleshing out their sound. Handbell music is amazing, and I was trying to find some simple, unobtrusive handbell stuff for Christmas, and some of tracks I clicked to listen to, the first thing I hear is a damn piano. Is this a piano choir? No? Then stop it! Now don't get me wrong, I love piano music. But I love it on its own, for its own self, as a focus. Not as an accompaniment to whatever the focus is SUPPOSED to be. *sigh* /end rant.
 
I can attest to the fact that a child will always actively seek approval/love from the parent that withholds it. My son does that and it breaks my heart every time. Nothing can be done about it. You think one day they will realize the truth, but I'm still waiting on THAT one. . ..
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
I can attest to the fact that a child will always actively seek approval/love from the parent that withholds it. My son does that and it breaks my heart every time. Nothing can be done about it. You think one day they will realize the truth, but I'm still waiting on THAT one. . ..
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Yeah, it sucks. And in many ways I see a repetition of a cycle here, though I'm working hard to not make the mistakes my Mom did with me. But more in the sense that my ex was abused by his father and given a lot of permissive unconditional love from his Mother which he came to take for granted. That coupled with the whole business of not only being adopted and then "displaced" by a natural son in the family, but also how his adoptive Mom smoked constantly and was afraid she'd burn him accidentally, so left him alone in a crib or playpen most of the time. He lacked contact in his early childhood, which is the stuff that trusting bonds are made of. But later growing up, his Mom would do anything to get him off the hook and try to make him feel loved, and his Dad would beat the crap out of him. So as an adult, every woman in his life he casts in the role of mother. Every one. And he behaves as entitled as a toddler, throwing a fit in a playpen, and takes everything she does for granted, and expected me and others before me and I'm sure others after me, to step up and handle life's hardships for him as best as they may. And as for his relationship with his father, he was filled with bitter resentment and stories of all the times he strove and worked and struggled for his approval. Any moment where the man showed even an ounce of approval or pride, was this huge big deal. But his Mom's opinion? Meh. Of course she cares, she's Mom, it's just to be expected and assumed.

The merest word of approval from a complete asshole is polished and displayed on the emotional mantle, and a lifetime of love and sacrifice brushed into the dustbin or kicked under the sofa, it feels like, which then contributes to the whole mentality of "women aren't even people anyways." We just simply don't matter. Or at least that's how it feels sometimes.

Of course the love of a woman is such an absolute entitlement though that the absence of it for a man like my ex renders him emotionally crippled...an abandoned child, basically. I hope that my son doesn't follow that part of the pattern.

I hope very much that my boys both are ok and functional as adults. I did what I could. But apparently, despite how awful his Dad was to him...Q cried constantly, pulled his hair out, and wanted to end his own life because his father harassed and berated him constantly, when we lived there...he is still kind of bitter that I left. Or at least he likes to throw it in my face when he's not getting his way. That I ruined his life by divorcing his Dad.

Of course all of this was part of a temper tantrum he was throwing. And the moment the storm passed, he told me to forget everything he'd said, that he didn't mean any of it. Which is the same shit Old Wolf would do. He's allowed to be as cruel as he likes, make threats, say the meanest most vicious things he can possibly think of, if his emotional state justifies it, but the moment he's not feeling that way anymore, everyone should just forget and forgive like it never happened. Well it does not work that way. And I explained to Q that when you're an adult, and you do that, you lose people. You cannot un-say those kinds of things. A woman who is your wife and not your mother, won't sit around and take that kind of treatment. I only barely stopped short of asking him if he wanted to end up as miserable and alone as his father, if that is the fate he wanted to earn for himself.

But I kept myself calm, because I believe that you don't let kids manipulate you as a parent into an emotional reaction. I don't want him thinking he can pull my strings like a puppet.

My only defense against this is a sense of patient detachment, and at some point it stops mattering if it makes one feel a little bit monstrous. At least I have a very sound sense of duty and obligation. I'm still in this to do the best I can. But when I was 18, my family pushed me out of the nest, and I survived. My sons will have to figure out how to do the same. Ninja because I don't have a choice, and Q because I won't enable his shit one moment further than I must, if he keeps on like this.

On the other hand though sometimes the kid is still good and funny and kind and sweet. He is not a clone of his father at all. He has just picked up some bad code, which unfortunately I'm not at all sure that I can unravel in the next few years. He will probably be working on it through much of his adult life and there is not much that I can do about that. Even counseling didn't help all that much...and it was very costly.

But to the part that I'm responsible for... I've got a generous nature, and I've allowed people to take advantage of my patience and my generosity for much of my life. So even if I reach a point where my resources are more plentiful, I need to step back from giving Q too much more than what he needs. I need to not spoil the kid, basically. I might not be the best disciplinarian in the world, but I do not have to be a doormat.

God parenting is hard...
 
With regard to...other things.

People who know me inevitably get to hear about my interest in astrology, which is a middling sort of thing...I don't think I'm obsessed with it, I've known many who were more into it than I am, and my faith in it isn't 100% rock solid, but I enjoy it on a casual basis and I've always admitted that descriptions of me as a Capricorn are generally very accurate.

I know plenty of rational souls who dismiss it utterly as a bunch of woo woo nonsense, and I want to agree, but for a couple of reasons I do not...

1. I enjoy organizing and symbolizing. It helps me think. And as such, if I have known more than 3 people who share a sign, who seemed to have some general behavior traits in common, I am inclined to recognize a pattern. I don't particularly care if it's only coincidence. It interests me nonetheless.
2. I get bored and it gives me something to read and think about when I'm bored. It's not the only one. But it has value to me as a pleasant diversion.

I had a friend who did my chart up for me, she is one who was much more into astrology than I am ever going to be. Some of the more significant bits from it are that my Sun is Capricorn, Moon in Cancer, and my Ascendant is Sagittarius. I was revisiting this writeup (bored!) and thought I'd share some stuff. Everything in there is accurate to me, but there were a few standout concepts that I felt BIG, PROFOUND, OMG YES, agreement with...

Capricorn:
You have a heightened sense of the value of time, which helps to make you a superb organizer and planner. Unlike those who don’t look beyond next month, you will carefully examine your goal, separate it into all the necessary steps, and plot out a long-term timetable that often involves years. In the sign of Capricorn, the quality of patience reaches new heights. One of the hallmarks of your sign is that you learn to wait for things you want.

You are precise and orderly, and generally don’t trust others to look after details. When you give your word, you stick to it and when you undertake a task, you complete it to the best of your ability. You tend to fuss over details and to make sure all contingencies are covered. It’s your way of being in control.

Essentially, you feel you can depend only on yourself. The child in you feels unworthy – and your life-long lesson is to shed this feeling and learn to love yourself.

Your remoteness of spirit is often misunderstood by others; it has been described as cold passion. But you are not cold as much as self-sufficient. Because you need to organize and control your surroundings, on occasion you take a strong hand in other people’s lives. To you, it’s not meddling but handling things better. Beneath your reserve, there is a sensitive and sympathetic person, and anyone who needs a strong shoulder to lean on needn’t look further than Capricorn.
Certainly you do not deserve your reputation for being sober and gloomy. One of your more striking characteristics is a sense of humor. Your wit may be dry, incisive, but it is extremely funny and has a way of erupting when others least expect it.

In small ways you are continually testing the loyalty of those close to you. You are the loner of the zodiac, but have a great need to be loved and appreciated. Unfortunately, you won’t let this need be known – in fact, you are a past master at concealing it.
Underneath the mask you wear still other masks, and it can take a long time to discover the real you. To others you may appear aloof, indifferent, and hard to reach because you are so self-contained; but the very elusiveness of your Capricorn personality can be hypnotically attractive. Like a riddle wrapped inside a sphinx, there seems to be a fascinating secret buried in your depths.
Anyone who cares enough to penetrate your shell of reserve will be greatly rewarded. Your affections and loyalty run deep and you cherish and protect those you love. And you stick around when the going is toughest.

You worry about keeping all that’s valuable to you – which includes relationships. Despite your intelligence and the fact that you’re so determined, you often feel insecure. You’re a bundle of conflicting emotions. You require discipline and order – chaos drives you crazy and maybe the gods meant for you to have some doubt; if you believed you’re as powerful as you really are, you’d be impossible to live with!

Moon in Cancer:
You are at your best in a deep and committed love relationship. Unfortunately, you have to go through an unhappy love affair before you find the contentment and security you seek. Even though you are motivated strongly by your feelings, in a curious way you are also afraid of them. It is your nature to mistrust love, to feel you are somehow unworthy of someone else’s devotion. You will hold on too long to a relationship that’s destructive because deep in your psyche you don’t believe you’ll ever find another love.

You have a tendency to hold on possessively to a loved one, and a knack for subtly instilling guilt in someone you love, usually to test the person’s depth of feeling. However, among your most endearing traits are intense loyalty and dedication.

Sagittarius Ascendant:
You are progressive, full of optimism about the future. You are also restless in spirit, anxious to get on with the business of living, ready to accept a new challenge.
Sagittarius Ascendants are basically humanitarians, idealists who care deeply about injustice. On a personal level, you are honest and generous to others and easily wounded when confronted with selfishness or thoughtless cruelty.
You have a knack for making friends, for you are very open to new people and new ideas. You enjoy a spirited discussion, and exchange of opinion. (Rising-Sagittarians have a reputation for frankness: other people always know where they stand with you.)

The whole thing was much longer than this, and again, all accurate, but some points resonated more strongly than others.

Honestly, and maybe this is overthinking it, I feel that these things which feel so true for me help explain why I might not really be cut out for polyamory, or at least polysexuality, even though my experience with it was very positive. There might be something about my nature that is drawn to a more domestic and familial sort of commitment than what seemed possible with my poly group. I have an urge in my spirit to build a home, a lasting alliance, with someone. I need a feeling of security. Not that I need a partner to provide material security, but I need emotional security. I need to feel safe in my place with my partner and I want to apply my goal setting and ambitious abilities to achieve things, to building a beautiful environment to enjoy with a very special love. I've a strong sense of nostalgia and sentiment. I don't need a wealthy partner to give me material success, because I'd rather rely on myself and I have a tremendous faith in my ability to do it all, though I acknowledge that it takes time. Sometimes lots of time. And that is where my optimism is...anything and everything is possible, all I must do is be patient. Every wish and every dream in life is but a fruit on the vine of possibility, that has yet to fully ripen in its season.

Now, I don't know what else is going on in his chart, but Zen is a Pisces and as such he is Dreamer to my Sage. One interpretation that I've read says that I will find him too impractical and he will find me too materialistic. Another interpretation I've read says that I will find him an inspiration and provide him with some grounding in reality that he needs. I prefer that one because it also said that we are very compatible communicators and that with his excellent sense of romance and my deeper, earthy, lusty passions, we'll enjoy a great sex life, and frankly...I could not agree more with those things.

Anyhow. It's a pleasant diversion.
 
Spork said:
Honestly, and maybe this is overthinking it, I feel that these things which feel so true for me help explain why I might not really be cut out for polyamory, or at least polysexuality, even though my experience with it was very positive. There might be something about my nature that is drawn to a more domestic and familial sort of commitment than what seemed possible with my poly group. I have an urge in my spirit to build a home, a lasting alliance, with someone. I need a feeling of security. Not that I need a partner to provide material security, but I need emotional security. I need to feel safe in my place with my partner and I want to apply my goal setting and ambitious abilities to achieve things, to building a beautiful environment to enjoy with a very special love.
Click to expand...

I know nothing about astrology, so I can't comment on that stuff, but ... this resonates with me. I'm the same way. I feel like the nesting, nurturing, domestic side of me inevitably feels frustration and failure in my attempts at non escalator relationships. (Especially if someone has another partner in his life who does provide those things.) I draw so much of my emotional security in relationships from the process of building a shared home, a shared life. Without that, I can enjoy others - friendship, sex, emotional intimacy - but it never feels like they are truly my *partners* in any real sense.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I know nothing about astrology, so I can't comment on that stuff, but ... this resonates with me. I'm the same way. I feel like the nesting, nurturing, domestic side of me inevitably feels frustration and failure in my attempts at non escalator relationships. (Especially if someone has another partner in his life who does provide those things.) I draw so much of my emotional security in relationships from the process of building a shared home, a shared life. Without that, I can enjoy others - friendship, sex, emotional intimacy - but it never feels like they are truly my *partners* in any real sense.
Click to expand...

Yeah I don't know. It's complicated.

I'm afraid to speak in absolutes. Because what I was doing before...it felt right, until it didn't anymore. But I had a good balance with the quad for a while. I needed escape from the badness of Old Wolf's house of crazy, and being with them was like being on an exotic vacation. I didn't feel that escalator style bonding was really an option, but my emotional attachment to any or all of them was, while very warm and loving and good, not so intense that I felt like I had to DO SOMETHING about it (build a life with any of them, like.) I don't think it ended because of that though.

There were several reasons. I've been over 'em. From communication difficulties and stresses I felt with mainly Analyst, to time, to feeling overextended and stretched too thin... ultimately I only felt like I was "doing it right" (it being a proper relationship) with Zen. And I felt like I was not able to be enough or do enough or...something...I felt like I was putting forth a lot of personal energy effort, and not only achieving very little but also not really filling my needs with the rest. I enjoyed them like ice cream, but needed Zen like air to breathe, craved him like a drug. And it was all too easy to feel like, with each person in the quad, I should be quite easy to replace, so no need to feel guilty about stepping back from those relationships. I justified doing it guilt free, by thinking "well, Analyst has Fire, and so does Hefe, and Fire has them and also Silk and also whoever else she is seeing, and they are all young, happenin' folks who can easily attract other lovers, so this shouldn't be a huge loss to them." In my more insecure and self-punishing moments, I wondered why they even wanted me around. I certainly didn't feel like I was providing enough benefit to be worth even having to listen to me talk about my problems.

I did not feel needed. Wanted and enjoyed? Sure. Especially by Hefe. Loved? Hell yes, especially by Fire. Liked and respected? Analyst had that base covered right good. But needed? No. When I reached a point where I just wasn't sure why they even wanted me around anymore, I knew we were headed for an ending, especially when conflicts and miscommunications arose that made me feel like I had to choose between them, and Zen.

Now, while Zen has been alone a very long while and I think he's proven he can pull that off and do for himself just fine, I can see myself bringing some really significant benefits to an escalated sort of relationship with him. I can really earn my keep, in the long run, in a relationship with him, in many ways both tangible and intangible. My value there is easy for me to comprehend and (mostly) feel secure in. And there is this thing where I feel honored and privileged because he has let me in and shared himself with me in ways he hasn't done with others. He is a treasure to me, and I feel that I'm the same for him.

But all of this is SO specific to the people involved. And if I had not found someone like Zen, I could have continued on with the quad...but maybe deep down feeling like I was just waiting for that escalator partner... I don't know.

I needed that, then. I need this, now. That's all I know.

Claire, I wonder about something, and I bet you've thought about this, too.

If your husband's desires and your desires, sexually, aligned more closely, if you had greater compatibility in that specific area, I wonder if you would even have a desire to try and have other partners?
 
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Spork said:
Claire, I wonder about something, and I bet you've thought about this, too.

If your husband's desires and your desires, sexually, aligned more closely, if you had greater compatibility in that specific area, I wonder if you would even have a desire to try and have other partners?
Click to expand...

Oh, hell no. I'd have no interest in anyone else. I didn't even really fantasize about anyone else - occasionally Justin Timberlake, lol - for the ten years Andy and I were together and trying to make it work as a sexually monogamous couple. Even after Andy admitted that he didn't actually have some strange form of ED that couldn't be helped by Viagra, but was just not into piv intercourse... I still didn't want anyone else. It wasn't until he was basically like, "we're going to end up hating each other eventually if we don't explore other options here" that I really saw it as a possibility. And honestly, if Andy woke up tomorrow and wanted to throw me down and fuck me senseless, I'd be thrilled to go back to monogamy.

I would still want super close, emotionally intimate platonic friendships. I'd probably still want some kind of "hall pass" because hey, life is long, who the fuck knows who you'll meet. I wouldn't care at all if Andy continued to see Steph romantically, or Anna, or anyone else... if I'm getting my needs met, the only boundary I have around other people's poly is that I won't cohabitate/merge money/make life plans with anyone who's doing those things with another partner.

But for ME? It's just so damn hard to separate sex, trust, romance, all of it, from the Disney happily ever after. I agree with the idea of open relationships, but the reality of it is... complicated. So I would be happiest, I think, being theoretically non-monogamous but never acting on it.

The only two things that would be harder than this open relationship crap would be 1) losing Andy and 2) giving up satisfying sex forever. Soooo... :rolleyes:
 
Yeah, I totally get that.

Thing is, there is one very big, significant area where I need more forbearance from Zen than most mono couples I know of can do...my social needs, and the fact that I can be a flirty and affectionate friend.

I don't feel like I need to have sex with other people. And looking back through my own history, how I tend to be in relationships, I don't think I need a hall pass for that. But I do want there to be an open door policy to honesty, where we can at least put in an emotionally safe, trusting, good faith effort, to be there for one another's truths even if they aren't comfortable. Even though I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone else, I need to be able to approach him honestly about that if it ever comes up, and we've discussed that when we closed our relationship.

Mostly for me, sex is about connection. Without the connection, it's ok but it doesn't drive me. So casual sex does not hold much appeal.

But back to what I was getting at before though. I know mono couples where partners cannot tolerate nonsexual friendships, flirtations, affectionate behavior, etc. that their partner might want to share with others. Sometimes (not always) I NEED to be not only very social, but affectionate with close friends. I can't deal with the paranoia that so many default-mono people do, the constant detective behavior, looking for something to catch their partner doing wrong. I will be truthful with my love, and he will be a safe haven where I CAN be truthful, and vice versa. If something I am doing is bothering him, he can talk with me about it, and we can decide together if it's reasonable to ask me to change what I am doing, or if he needs to work on his uncomfortable feelings, or what. We'll negotiate these things, our needs and boundaries, in good faith.

A recent example I heard about was a guy looking through his wife's electronic communications on her phone and finding some flirty messages with an old college friend. Even though she didn't flirt back or say anything that would lead him to think she had concealed an actual affair, he was trying to decide if he should be upset and if she was "emotionally cheating" and all... I have a friend who flirts with me all the damn time. I have told him a bunch of times that it ain't gonna happen, but it's sort of a running joke to me by this point. Nearly a sitcom trope. I adore the guy, hell I would be beyond thrilled if our families could all do backyard BBQ get togethers and stuff together, I think he's great, and Zen likes him too. But I don't feel any particular need to have sexytime with him, and I'll be damned if I'd hurt my relationship with Zen for a bounce in the sack with anybody! Zen knows all about it, though, the very overt flirtations and my responses to them, if anything it's possible that I overshare a bit. But this is exactly the sort of friendship that I'm happy I can have without freaking him out, because my ex would have absolutely freaked out about it.

But I think a huge difference between what I have with Zen, and what other couples I see with these conflicts and power plays all the time, is that I am really in love with Zen and I think he is really in love with me. We aren't in a problematic relationship full of dissatisfaction and obligation and where we don't even know if we like each other anymore, let alone love each other. And I feel like a lot of couples I see who go through this stuff...at least one of the partners is damn near ready to check out in some way or another, and the other is clinging and trying to get control of the situation somehow. Certainly I was not happy with my ex, and even though I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and deal with things, it was pretty obvious that "happily ever after" wasn't in the cards for us. Still, I didn't want to have sex with other people while we were together. I didn't even look to others like that or think about it. But he was forever paranoid. Acted suspicious all the time. Still questions me about whether I ACTUALLY did things he didn't know about. Did he have cause to be paranoid about losing me? Absolutely, yes. Did he have cause to be paranoid about me screwing around? No. But it was easier for him to face the possibility, I think, that there would be another man I might leave him for, than to consider that I might just quit him because he was being a mega dick.

Maybe another difference is that Zen is far more empathic and perceptive. Old Wolf has a problem where his extreme narcissism makes it impossible for him to empathize, and therefore read, other people. He's gullible and easy to fool, and he knows it. And he's afraid of being deceived because frankly, people do it to him fairly easily. He doesn't know where to place trust and where not to. I think Zen is maybe better at this.

But bottom line, I need a partner who can trust that if I say I'm not gonna fuck other dudes, then I'm not. And if I change my mind, I'll let him know before it happens. And all of that remains true even if there is flirting, and even if there are hugs, and even if there's play at the dungeon parties, and even if I kiss a former partner hello or goodbye and even if I hang out with former partners at their home and even if...even if anything. Period. In turn if he ever has the opportunity and desire to explore something with another woman, I'm not likely to freak out about it, and I think he knows that, and I trust him to be honest about it. I'm not going to be snooping around in his private communications thinking he's up to something.

In my mind, that kind of flexible thinking and honesty and comfort is a huge departure from normal monogamy as I know it. And it feels a lot healthier, to me. I hesitate to say stuff like I have in this post because I don't like to come off like I am COMPARING Zen and Old Wolf...there is no comparison, they couldn't be more unalike if they tried. That isn't the point at all. I'm just really grateful for what I've got. I recognize what is good, uncommonly good, and I do not take it for granted.
 
Had a thought on the subject of materialism, that came of my appreciation of someone's collection of things that they were passionate about. That is the kind of materialism I can go for. And it pinged the word as it was brought to the fore of my mind from my astrology stuff, that I as a Capricorn can be "materialistic."

So I cannot argue with that, but I'd have to say that my version of materialism and that one might think of upon hearing the word are very different things. I care nothing for the typical trappings of wealth and success. I like stuff with character, stuff with sentiment, stuff with personality. From homes to vehicles to shoes to jewelry, I don't like expensive things just for the expensiveness of them. In fact, it offends my pragmatic sensibilities as wasteful in a sense. I like stuff that has at least as much sentimental worth if not more, than monetary worth. If I ever own a nice house, I want it to be one of the old Victorians north of downtown here with the porches and interesting roof features and the woodwork and stonework and stained glass. Not some suburban McNightmare. I am fond of log homes, too, but living up in the mountains sounds like a pain, I'm more of a city girl. Vehicles? Well I tend in a practical direction mostly and I love my minivan, but if I were going with style I'd vote Nissan Juke because I like the quirky lines and character of 'em. I don't like gold jewelry or diamonds much, I prefer intricate artisan pieces or heirloom jewelry. The most treasured treasure a man could ever present me with in terms of jewelry would be something that once belonged to a family member or loved one, something that had a story...or something he either made or found an artist to support, preferably a local craftsman. Nothing in the wide world is more abhorrent to me than a shiny rock from a mainstream dealer that costs some outlandish percentage of a man's paycheck. Needless to say, I could never have loved a man who displays his wealth in such ostentatious and pretentious ways as the Great Orange Menace with his marble this and gold leaf that. Gross, and tacky.

But that is just me.

So, am I materialistic? Perhaps. In a sense. There are luxuries I appreciate. There are luxurious aesthetics I enjoy.

But I tend to think my materialism comes more from a place of expression, than mere acquisition and ego. Maybe. I can say one thing. I adore collectors who have troves of personal treasures that reflect colorful bits of their personalities. I've got my collection of GWAR memorabilia, which reflects my history with the band and some of the cooler relationships and experiences of my life story. I could spend ages exploring Zen's belongings, there is so much fascinating intricacy that speaks to who he is and what he likes. And I like him, an awful lot, so I have a sort of affectionate curiosity and interest in the stuff he has as a reflection of something in his mind or heart. A person's belongings can say a lot about them, I think.

Is that materialism?

Zen and I also spoke last night about my slightly morbid musings on the stage of my life that might run on past the end of his. That, too, is a very Capricorn thing to say, and one that another person might take the wrong way...I confess I was a bit concerned he might, when I wrote it...but it is a hallmark of the way I think--to check in with my own ideas of what the future might look like. In a week, month, year, two, three, five, ten, twenty years, etc. I like to have a very adaptable rough sketch in place, or at least an idea of what my more likely options may be. And I am no fool about the difference in our ages, it was a significant part of my initial draw to Zen in the first place. I am simply attracted to the maturity and depth of an older man...and I am willing to accept the price that I may be handling some challenges as my love ages with me, in order to have the love that I place such a premium on, today and tomorrow. The love of a man who knows himself. I'm choosing quality over quantity here, perhaps, but it seems a fine good trade.

My own philosophical views about mortality are just that since it is the inevitable result of living, one may as well accept it, insofar as we can. Mainly the thing is to make the journey as bright and amazing as possible, and try to leave something good behind so we're not forgotten, rather than focusing too hard on where we might be going. I'm not really even thinking about his death, I'm thinking about his life. And mine. I think that our journeys are brighter when we are companions to one another along the way. So I want to journey together as long as we may. And I only wish I had more to give him, but I'll do my best.

Well.

Enough with the walls of maudlin meanderings... My van is in the shop again. I just want to say that I'm really thankful to my mechanics for having loaner cars that their customers can drive for free while our vehicles are being worked on. And I probably will get a whole weekend more or less shut up in my home, because we're supposed to have snow...and if it's bad I not only don't want to drive in it, but most definitely NOT with a loaner vehicle I'm not very familiar with. Nope. I'll stay home, nice and warm...
 
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