The story of Spork.

It is done!!

I did one last run of trash last night, and Zen's old place is now cleared out. He is meeting with a realtor there today sent by the owner, so the timing, I think, is good. I put in a lot of work this week, and it feels good to do something for my love, as he has certainly done so much to make my life more enjoyable.

And as much stress as he's had at work in the last week, I'm glad I was able to at least take this stress off his shoulders.

Prize for oldest expired item found in his place? A package of cough lozenges from 1984. But I'm pretty sure those belonged to his old roommate. He had just left a lot of crap in place that the other dude left behind when he moved out years ago, so...yeah.

I have just rewarded myself, by purchasing the new Abney Park CD/download/board game package, along with a signed poster that I look forward to displaying prominently in my new place.

Speaking of displaying things in my new place... I am really longing for the free time I hope to have soon, to work on art. I have a custom frame to get done for a commission I'm way overdue on...the same guy said he wants more frames from me, and is willing to pay me for them, and unless any more paid work crops up, I will be doing a big 3D relief mixed media painting of the Voodoo club logo next. Once that is done, I will take it there and bring home my dragon, if no one has bought him. Then I also have many ideas for art pieces to make and fill some odd spots on my walls throughout the house. I catch myself eyeballing bits of empty space here or there and thinking, "I need something...something shaped and sized just so...to go there..." and then I am like, "Dude I need to just make it myself." Even if my art activities never turn into a lucrative side hustle, I can at least avoid spending money on other people's art to fill my walls, by making my own...that is something, right? And I'm honing my skills at the same time, so perhaps I get more efficient at my making. I dunno, there could be some benefit in it besides making myself happy, one day.

I should probably look into local art shows and such. I have a coworker who made a painting on a torn up piece of cardboard, that I found aesthetically interesting, but not mind blowing in terms of difficulty of execution...and she's been accepted into this art show where she has put a price tag of $450 on the thing. But of course one must realize, just as with my dragon, that what we ask for something and what another person is willing to pay for it, could be different things. It is hard, in this day and age, to justify spending $300 on something purely decorative, unless you know the artist is very famous (and therefore the purchase is a good investment due to retained value) or you just want to support them because you prize the relationship and you've got the money to throw at people you like. I paid $300 for my commission from Dave Brockie, back in 2008 or so, and that was for a pen and ink drawing, but it wasn't really...it was actually payment to initiate a relationship with him and have a reason to stay in contact and build that connection. It was an investment in networking.

So I don't really care to get my hopes up, about getting what I think my art is worth out of it, at least not unless I become a far more prolific artist. And if I do it for the joy of it alone, at least I am making myself happy.

What a miracle to have this move wrapping up, it has been, as Fire said, "the move that never ends." I feel like I'll have so much time on my hands, now...of course...probably not, as I really didn't before. What was I even doing with my life, before I was moving?? lol

So tonight Zen and I have declared a much needed night off. We're going to RELAX. And spend some time together. Tomorrow and Sunday I have Voodoo things going on, but not all day. I will get some cleaning done, too...and this is my last chance to try and see if Fire and Hefe want to come see my new place, so I should reach out to them. Though it won't be the end of the world if it doesn't happen until Fire gets back from her travels. Actually I should invite Reecy over, since she isn't in town for much longer and once she goes nomad again, there is no telling when or if she will return. I think she'll come back...at least for visits...but it might be a long time. Hm. Maybe tomorrow afternoon, if they aren't doing anything. I can ask anyways...

I have a coworker I'd love to invite over (the one who made the $450 art piece) but she is a vegan and she's the hardcore kind, and I decorate with pelts here and there, so she'd probably be pretty uncomfortable with that. Sadly. I mean...for me, there are many animals I respect and I even get upset about people eating octopi or cuttlefish, because they are so cool and intelligent. But sheep and rabbits? They are numerous and stupid and they just don't impress me much. We've kept sheep as domestic critters since forever, and bunnies exist to feed everything on the planet that eats meat. I dunno. I don't feel bad about my sheep and rabbit skins. I would never have the pelt of something like a wolf or cat and I'm not a fan of taxidermy (unless it is really weird taxidermy....like this http://www.sarina-brewer.com/introduction.html )

Anyhoo. Gotta dash, meeting coming up.
 
Well that was a pretty great weekend.

We had gorgeous weather (which has now turned to crap today) and I felt like I had a great balance of time spent loving Zen, time spent working on the house (decorating and cleaning) time spent out with friends and at the club. I'd hoped to maybe get some friends over to show off my gorgeous new place...but that did not happen. It's ok though. I kind of want to finish my decorating first anyhow, and I'm not done, especially upstairs in my bedroom and upper hallways. I got the main level done (mostly) first. And it is beautiful.

Sex with Zen was deeply satisfying. He's so amazing. It's so different from anything I've ever experienced in my past, it's difficult to even call it the same thing. Even when we are doing the same act, it feels so different. I feel so connected and responsive to him. We did some things this weekend that we don't often do, and that was wonderful. I think that during the last couple of months as we've had a lot going on and life in other ways has been stressful, we've set aside some of our more adventurous activities, but I am ready to be working those back in...more toys, and more focus on him. I definitely still get twinges of worry, because I feel that he gives me a great deal more pleasure than I give him. I know that having a partner to play with is better than being alone, and he takes enjoyment in pleasing me, but...still... Some bridges I don't know how to cross yet. I don't have the physical stamina that he does, I have to change positions from time to time as some part of my body will eventually feel strained and uncomfortable, even painful (in a not fun way) and I am challenged to keep going as long as he can. It remains the only thing I miss a little about others I've known, just the pacing of things, but in the grand scheme of life, it is a small part of a whole person in terms of relating. Being slightly wistful about one little factor of, say, someone like Worm King, would never be worth all the nuisance of trying to actually have a relationship with someone I cannot connect with in all the many ways I love and treasure my Zen. It remains easy to be engaged in "One Penis Policy" with him. Monogamy really, at least functionally speaking, or at least mono-sexuality, as I don't know how I could fit a relationship with another woman into my life right now either.

On the balance, we are so very right together. And I'm happy to be living with him now.

So, Friday night was all us, and Saturday morning as well. Spent some time Saturday before the party working on decorating, then we went to see a bit of Reecy's final performance before she goes walkabout. She is actually here through early November, but she'll be wrapping up her Colorado Springs affairs and going off elsewhere then. I think that LA is the plan, but she could end up anywhere. She usually spends over half the year wandering the earth, playing music, just her and her dog Esmeralda. So that was good...and then Zen and I went on to the first Saturdays' Tasting Party at Voodoo. And true to his word (he had texted me over a week ago about this) Supernova was at the party.

I am sure I explained the nickname, Supernova, earlier in my blog somewhere, but it serves as a reminder why, while I find him mostly delightful, I am so very glad I never made our interaction a sexual one, even back when that was a possibility for me. We are fundamentally incompatible in our kinks and sexual needs, and one of the several facets of this that came to light in our conversations was that I was upset over how the thing with the Worm King seemed to be so much fun, I did not understand why he would want to end it when he did. And Supernova said he likes to do that too, end a sexual relationship while it's still good, so you can never see that person again and just remember them at that high point. He said something about it going off "like a supernova" and that's that...which of course prompted the nickname, as a sound reminder that he was just another of a sort I didn't want to mess with. I remember thinking at the time, "well thanks for the warning buddy." I wonder if men like that understand, that when they do something like that, they sometimes leave women like me raking ourselves over the coals feeling like we must have been awful, not deserving of seeing again, or we did something wrong to upset them or put them off...I blamed myself and struggled to make sense of it, with the Worm King, until I learned how many others he'd done the exact same thing to, and then I could get some closure realizing that's just how HE is. Anyhow, I don't like it. I like for there to be some sort of a reason why a seemingly good thing has to stop. Even if it's as simple as not having the space in one's life to maintain a relationship or having differing goals in it from another. This whole "never speaking to someone again" after having had great sexytimes, I do not like one bit.

And frankly due to other personal details he handed me back when in conversations, I don't even think I'd enjoy sex with him all that much. Not that he'd be a bad lover, just perhaps not to my particular preferences.

So I am glad to have him as a friend that I never had sex with, but it's sure a lot of fun to play the flirt and innuendo game with him, so long as he always understands that's just what it is. It's not as though he has any trouble getting laid anyhow, and he is poly with two significant relationships. He shouldn't be pining for me, or feel like friendship is a consolation prize. I think it works.

Anyhow he was there doing fire and I got a bit of a fire scene in, and Zen and I did some flogging after that. We enjoyed Supernova's show-offy fire displays much of the evening. When we were on our way out, he stopped me and said that he was so happy that Zen and I live together now, that I'm one of his favorite people, and Zen is one of his favorite people, and the way I talk about him makes him so happy that we have one another. I think he is trying to reassure me that he's a safe friend who respects my relationship, and frankly I do appreciate that.

So then yesterday we had some volunteer training at the club, and before and after that (which was a 4 hour class) I did my weekly cleaning at home, floors and bathrooms and such, and I filled up the gas tank and took care of a number of needful things. I felt very productive and accomplished.

And now it's Monday and the weather went from sunny and warm yesterday, to windy and cold and spitting snow today. Thankfully no accumulation, but it's icky outside. Grey and uncomfortable. Bleh. At least we've got sun in the forecast for the rest of the week... I'm really not looking forward to winter.
 
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OMG I need to stay away from Michael's...

I had a coupon, and I went in for more glue dots, but all of the Halloween and Fall Floral was on sale 50-60% off, and my coupon was for an additional 20% off, but if I'd not gone in there I would have saved 100% and I just really need to be stopped.

No more! I am avoiding all Halloween stuff for the rest of the season!
 
I got some really enjoyable time in yesterday decorating the new place. I got my fairy lights up in my room and those, and the lamp, hooked up to the remote control switches I ordered on Amazon. I had a large sticker collage in a poster frame (the size of a movie poster) that I'd used the "removable" glue dots to adhere all the things in, and unfortunately those were a bit TOO removable. So all the stuff fell to the bottom of the frame inside, a couple days after I'd put the collage together. I'd been meaning to get around to taking it apart and fixing that, but had not yet. So I did. It is now ready to hang up. And I put a couple more things up on walls. I should really get some pictures of my decorating and post them up in my album here, share them in my blog. Because I personally think my home looks so freaking cool.

So I really don't need to buy much more (for a while) in terms of things that aren't strictly necessary, that I am decorating with...the only exception being some curtains for my bedroom. I had some, that I really loved, but they were too small for the window. There are blinds, but I really don't like just having up blinds. I want at least some sheer curtains. So I think I'm going to check out Goodwill today for that, last I recall they have quite a lot of various sorts of curtains and drapes and stuff.

There's a whole lotta party going on at Voodoo this week that I am not even interested in. Midweek party, I would LIKE to go, but realistically can't unless I arrange another ride for my son to get home from his class, and it's really not worth the hassle to me. There is a "Grindhouse" party on Friday that one would think I'd be all about, since I love certain horror/halloween connected things. But needles and cutting aren't my thing, and the whole point of this party is blood, blood, blood. They are setting up "Dexter Rooms" with splatter containing plastic sheeting and canvases that people can contribute to making "art" with their own blood on. I am getting more ok about being around when needles and cutting is going on, but it still doesn't excite me. People will question me not wanting to go, given I am a GWAR fan and they spray fake blood, but that's just it...it's fake. It's powdered food coloring in water. And the spooky stuff I like is more the aesthetic of skulls and eyeballs and just...I'm particular. I'm a fan of creatures and special effects, not gore for gore's sake. I find slasher films boring. So I'm just not really so interested in this party. Then we've got Enkara, which is all about the whole Gorean thing...and I am also not that into the make-pretend power exchange structure based off what I've heard is some of the most poorly written fantasy/sci-fi fiction like ever. If I doubt I could even read it without cringing and giving up on it, I am most certainly not going to all the trouble to cosplay it, let alone build it into my personal identity. Sooo....probably no to Enkara, too.

But, this will give me plenty of time to work on my projects at home and spend time with Zen and all. So nothing wrong with that! The woman who used to run our club is having a get together and discussion thingie in a park on Sunday afternoon, and whether I go to that is probably just going to depend on the weather, and if I feel like socializing.
 
There is a class of music I like...guess it's often called "80's music" but there was loads of music produced in the 80's so I feel a need for a better/more specific descriptor. I call it "geek pop" but it's light rock or new wave, lots of keyboard synth-y sounds and what sounds like a nerdy white guy singing. Talking Heads, Duran Duran, Peter Gabriel, to Wall of Voodoo ("Mexican Radio") and Men at Work and Men in Hats. All that silly shit. Lots of the songs I like were played on the radio then. One should bear in mind, my ages during the 80's were 1-10 (born in 79) so this is only vaguely recalled stuff from my childhood. And a thing that often happens is I'll be wandering around in a store or something, and they'll play a song I forgot existed, but know very well and I'll be all happy about it. So during my "why did I do that?" trip to Michael's the other day, they played "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes. I was totally rockin' out man. Good stuff.

And in the mornings I often turn on the local news while I'm getting ready for work, I can handle like half an hour of news that I'm only partially paying attention to in a day, don't want much more than that, especially these days. And they're talking about "the events leading up to Rex Tillerson calling Donald Trump a moron" and I'm like...what events do you really need to justify this? He IS a moron. When has he stopped being a moron? Rex did not say, "He was a moron that one time he said a thing"...no, he CALLED him one, because he is. No events required. Full stop. Of course though, in exploring the "why" of it, the news gets to expound upon the fact that the Great Trumpster Fire is still burning, as the rest of the government is collectively facepalming themselves into a brain damaged coma all around him just to escape the horrific reality they are dealing with here.

I'd like to see someone hogtie him and Pencie and airdrop their asses into North Korea, and then we could all make popcorn. "It's not us, guys! You can have him! Don't nuke me, bro!"

See I always thought George W was kind of an almost cute and semi-harmless kind of stupid. I mean, he wasn't, maybe...but there was something muppetish about him. I didn't see him as evil, just kind of dumb. I felt sorry for him with the disasters that we as a country and he as our leader had to deal with during his time, ya know? Like there was always part of me, even though I didn't really like the guy, that said "that's gotta suck having a whole country looking at you, expecting you to deal with this shit." But I haven't an ounce of pity for Trump. He is the most malevolent kind of stupid I can think of. I can hardly believe that we haven't found a way to get rid of him yet...but as others have said, Pence is, if anything at least as scary. Maybe more.

WTF America. WTF.

In other horrible news...
So many have been saying, "I don't know what kind of person could commit such an evil act" in regard to this mass shooting...I do. I was married to him. And if he departs this world without shooting me specifically or a group of random people one day, I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. He fits all of the factors that lead to these things, and I can only imagine them questioning me one day about whether I saw any warning of this, and I'll be like "Yep." But someone who is potentially a committer of this kind of crime is not going to go around telling people he's a danger to himself and others, he's crazy, not stupid. He doesn't want to be stopped. And we've all got our sacred freedoms, to be crazy assholes and to own arsenals of high powered (but legal) guns, so there's not a damn thing anyone can do before the fact. At least that's how I look at these things...too often, if anyone saw it coming, what would they realistically have been able to do about it? And of course you never know for sure until the shit hits the fan, if it'll really happen at all.

I don't know what the solution is. But it's a mess.

*sigh* Oh well. I'll just focus on living my life, and not worry about this stuff too much, since I'm in no position to do anything about any of it. Guess I just wonder what good it does to delve into the mind of a mass shooter and try so hard to find the reasons why they did it, when we're not going to do a damn thing to prevent it from happening again and again.

Meh anyhow. Since my son, Ninja, has his class today and will be gone all evening, I'm going to Mom-Clean his room. He has neglected it and hasn't bothered to unpack and arrange stuff and I've had about enough of that. He'll be living with us at least a matter of months to come (though I expect him to get a job and pay me some rent) and I hate how he seems content to live like a rat in a nest with crap piled everywhere in his room. And if he doesn't quit hoarding my dishes up there I'm gonna kick his ass. Or just take his computer and his phone away from him. He said not long ago that he wanted to be treated like an adult...oh, huge mistake, cause I told him if that's really what he wants, then I can give him 30 days notice to get out of my house and if he doesn't comply, put his stuff out on the curb and change the locks. That if everybody were treating him like an adult right now, he'd be homeless, staring into the teeth of winter on the street, and he had better start acting like an adult before he starts demanding that I treat him like one. *sigh* Kids. I tell ya.
 
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I did not get around to "Mom-cleaning" my son's room yesterday. I was exhausted and I went home and rested, kind of lightly napped or dozed for about an hour and a half. I made some dinner, did a little light housework, and went to get the kid from his class.

Our conversation in the car going home was...interesting. It's amazing to me how impressionable young people can be. When he hangs out with his girlfriend, all he can talk about is how horrible Trump is. But his Dad drove him to class, and he's lightened up on his intense dislike of his Dad enough to be listening to him now. Old Wolf is one of those conspiracy nuts who not only voted Trump, but believes Hillary is the worst kind of criminal scum, who lies about everything, caused the death of some soldiers, and has all of her opponents secretly assassinated then covers it up. Well, I thought the primaries were some fuckery and I certainly do not love Hillary, but I held my nose and voted for her because Trump was an unthinkable alternative. And now of course here we are. But Old Wolf filled Ninja's head with stories of how sketchy Hillary supposedly is. And maybe she is, but she's still not Trump. She's a politician, with everything that implies, is how I see it. And many of the stories Old Wolf is on about, it's my personal opinion that the average Joe (like him) is not going to be able to find absolute truthful reporting...so you're choosing to believe that which confirms and validates your opinion. My dislike of Trump is based on things he has gone on camera, on audio, on Twitter, ON THE RECORD as actually saying, words from his own mouth, in the very recent past. Not flip-flopping on something from years ago, but like how he is today. Whatever. Ninja is a very honorable Aries, very much about trying to stand on the side of whatever he believes is right and good, and condemning corruption and badness, and so Old Wolf's hatred and reasoning against Hillary landed on fertile ground with him. He was all like, "And did you know...?" in tones of moral outrage and I was like, "Yes, I've heard your father talk about his politics before, and I'm still not interested, but thanks."

This, this is a thing I do not need. I don't know how to get the kids to not repeat their father's words to my ears, but I divorced the man for reasons, and I don't need to interact with him even secondhand. Of course it could be worse, when I was a teen I was plenty willing to play both sides against each other to my own benefit. But my parents were all too willing to get all worked up over something the other one had said, whereas I just don't care. The apathy is strong with this one... lol

So my poor beloved Zen had to work a really long shift last night. We were hoping he'd be home around 8:30 and it must have been around 11 or so when he got home. I sort of half-woke when he came in, and considered getting out of bed to go spend a little time with him, but I thought nah, he's probably exhausted and about ready to just fall over. I'll leave him be. And in that state any logic or reasoning going on in my head was only half-formed anyways, because I don't think I even fully woke up before I sank back into sleep.

I have a discussion group tonight I'm looking forward to. And that's about all that's going on...
 
Well, yesterday evening was mostly UGH.

It was good at first because I got to spend a little bit of time with Zen, he was home on his lunch break when I got home after work and a quick grocery run. I hadn't had a lot of contact with him a couple days this week, because his work schedule has been rough and because I've had phone calls with family members in progress when I got home and just got to sort of "Hi, Bye, smooch-smooch" in his general direction in passing when I was on the phone. I was missing him a bit. Maybe it's silly, we live together now, and we see each other more than before, but there is seeing each other and there is actual TIME spent together...time to feel connected and affirmed that things are good between us. I have a strange little twinge if we haven't really interacted but in passing for a little bit, that maybe he's upset with me over something (there doesn't have to be a specific "what") but hasn't had a chance to talk to me about it. I fret a little for his happiness. But even half an hour while he's scarfing down chicken and we're watching a little bit of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency on Netflix...I feel soothed into happy calm that things are generally ok.

I sometimes feel vague and pointless "doomy feelings" ...I get moody and it's like something bad is afoot and I don't know what. It's nothing, it's probably some biochemical thing, there's never a reason. I'm no clairvoyant or anything. And I do try to keep myself in check and not let such things wind me up or cause me to behave badly. Feelings just don't always make sense.

So anyhow it was good to have even that small piece of time with him.

Then I had a discussion group I was supposed to try and attend, and I knew there would also be a group at Voodoo prepping the place for the Grindhouse party (which is tonight, but I'm not going.) So I go, and traffic sucks. Just sucks. I'm already feeling grouchy from it by the time I get there, and really needing and looking forward to some time with "my people" to straighten out my energy. I go up to the door, and...it's locked. There are a bunch of cars in the parking lot, but the front door of the club is locked. Hm. Some mistake maybe. I bang on the door. There should be a group sitting right in there and someone able to hear and let me in. Nothing. Five minutes of this. I am close to just going home in a huff, but there are all those cars there...so I go to the back door, which opens into the dungeon, knowing people are in there working, and bang on that one. Someone lets me in. I walk at a clip through the dungeon, where they are hanging plastic sheeting for the blood play they have planned and I am clearly not in the best mood, and I am grouching out loud about how I'm here for group and the front door was locked and what the hell.

And someone tells me that they changed the location for the group, and it was posted on the fetlife event. Great. Well I'm not on fetlife all the time, and it would have been nice if the person leading the group had messaged those who RSVP'ed, that's what is usually done with last minute changes of this sort, but fine. Fine! OK. I am trying to be calm, this is not the fault of anyone here. I get the address and head over there. Finally found the place (it was not easy, because reading the addresses on the buildings in that block was a dodgy affair) and it's this "holistic center" or something. Right... I go in the unlocked front door, only to be in an empty waiting area with quiet groovy background music, and faced with an array of closed doors. One of them says, "Quiet, Healing in progress." I have no clue which room of these has my group in it, and I'm not going to just barge into one room after another looking for them. At that moment, staring at those doors, I just ran out of steam and gave up. I got back in my car and drove home, and posted a bitchy post on Facebook about how I'd really wanted some people time, but they were too hard to find but at least my cat wants to hang out with me.

I was feeling downright petulant. Socially rejected as though they had orchestrated all of this to shut me out, when I know damn well no one did any such thing. I guess it stacks a little with the fact that I'm so happy about my new place and no one has found time to come see it yet, or the fact that I've been contemplating how hard it is for me to maintain more than the most superficial of friendships in my life. And the one person I know for sure wants to spend time with me has to work. Huff, huff. So I sat and read my book, and my cat came up on the back of my chair and lay down (it's a big upholstered chair with a big back cushion he likes to lay on) and he put his paw on my head, and sort of half extended his claws into my hair. There are times I would swear this cat is trying his best to pet me like I pet him, only he doesn't realize his claws are just so darn sharp. He's a sweetie though. And certainly my book and my cat helped me reset my mood.

So I then put some time into an art project that I'm doing for myself. I have a mirror that I took out of a piece of furniture that I parted ways with ages ago (the furniture, not the mirror) and because it was designed to be set into this furniture, the edges are not buffed down, they're rather sharp. So I had put masking tape over them, so no one would be cut handling it, but of course that doesn't look nice. I'd vague plans to do something more. So I have glued a bunch of doll eyeballs and little wire thingies and little skeleton keys and gears and beads and buttons...just pretty and carefully chosen bits and bobs from my "art junk" drawers and boxes...on the surface but around the edges, to create a sort of frame for the mirror, and now I'm filling in the space around these bits with swirls and patterns of hot glue. It's prettier than it sounds. Once I'm done with that part, I'm going to paint and seal it, and it will look cool. Haven't really figured out my color scheme for the paint yet, but I'll think of something.

Frankly with the fact that neither my dragon nor my unicorn was bought by anyone at Voodoo, I'm just in the mood to make art for myself for a little while. I know I have a customized frame I need to do for a guy who has commissioned me, and is prepared to pay, but I just don't have the heart at the moment to work on that. I'll get to it soon enough.
 
Well, I skipped out on all the possible social activities this weekend and stayed home and worked on my art project, my mirror is now done and it looks cool. Once the sealant cures I'll get some photos up.

I had one thing I was seriously considering going to, it was that Hypnosis group, and I know that my friend who runs it isn't going to be around for very long, but I sort of consulted my inner "do I feel like going out?" and the answer was, "no, I really don't." It had been kind of an emotionally exhausting weekend, in a way.

This was because on Saturday evening, my older son Ninja came to me with concerns about his little brother, Q. So I had to have a serious conversation with Q. There are several elements to this thing. The main issue was that he'd told his Dad and/or brother that he had suicidal thoughts. Then there was stuff his Dad had told both of my sons. All the nastiness, accusations, and weird interrogation and paranoia I dealt with last time I saw the man, well he isn't keeping that shit to himself. We'd talked about this, but I had a feeling he'd spew his poison to my sons at some point. I've been a child of divorce. I know how it is. Being involved in adult conversations makes the kids feel more adult, and the adults feel all vindicated in sharing their crap about the former spouse...I've been there, done that, only in my case my maternal Grandparents were part of that circle of vicious BS gossip, as well. And as the kid you get to go home from visits and tell parent A what parent B said, and stir the pot. So, that. And when I talked to Q, he's stressed because he feels he has no life and too much schoolwork and it's freaking him out. Then there has always been this problem where he accuses me of not parenting him well enough, because he "has nothing to eat." Well, that isn't true at ALL. I keep a well stocked kitchen. I just don't always cook, and I have been encouraging the boys to learn some basic cooking for themselves, because here we are and I used to cook dinner every night, and Ninja never learned to cook...I want them to leave my house with the basic skills to feed themselves, not expecting a woman to come and take care of them. It's always a matter of balance in trying to parent, between hands on and hands off among other things. But Q gets in his head, if we don't have the ONE thing he's in the mood for, then we have "no food" and he is "starving." And he often gets that thing of feeling hungry, but can't think of what he wants. Of course it is way easier to say that his mother starves him and it's all someone else's fault, than to acknowledge the reality of the situation. I don't really know what to do with that.

So I had to have a conversation with Q on Sunday morning. He is ok, he wasn't serious about the suicide thing...well, he was and he wasn't, and I get it. He was serious about being very emotional and upset and wanting those he was speaking to, to take his feelings seriously. He was not seriously intending to harm himself. I will never trivialize this sort of behavior as saying someone "just wanted attention" because there is nothing trivial about needing some affirmation that people care about you. That's real and legit, and I get it. I need to find a way to make Q understand that threats against self or others is not the right way to get your needs met though, this is a page right out of his Dad's book though I didn't say as much to him.

(continued...)

(Also, sorry, this is a long mess of stuff, but I need to get it off my chest.)
 
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(...continued from last post)

I'm struggling to figure out if I should talk to Old Wolf about this. On the one hand, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of expressing anger or hurt or outrage over it because it feels like acknowledging that he succeeded in seeding his poison into my household via our sons. On the other hand, I would like him to know how damaging and hurtful it is to our boys and that it's very selfish of him to use them like this. Of course he'll come back and say that "they should know what kind of person their mother is" or something.

Things he told them... That I had sex with Dave Brockie (which is untrue.) That I never loved him and probably don't love them, either (also untrue.) That I'm probably just using Zen, which even Q saw right through with a sense of, "wtf, dude?" as his reaction when we were discussing it was "Yeah, I don't see how that's even true, since it's not like <Zen> is even rich or anything. It makes no sense." All I could tell Q is that I am very sorry his father is still hurting. I hope one day he can move on and live his life, and I'm sorry it had to go like this. He feels a need to build a story in his mind that I am some kind of a monster and a terrible person because then he can feel righteous in his hurt and turn it into anger. While I don't appreciate this, I am no longer interested in being dragged into exercises of trying to defend myself to him anymore. I have spent too many of my years on this earth worrying about what he thinks, and I just can't care about it anymore. But to understand, that none of his words matter, the only thing that is real, is the fact that he's hurting. I'd change that if I could, but I can't. In the meantime, you have to take everything he says out of pain, with a grain of salt. And understand you always have the right to tell him, "This is none of my business, and this is not a conversation I want to be involved in with you." At which point, Q said that he didn't actually blame his Dad, because he instigated the conversation himself when he didn't think his Dad even really wanted to talk about it. Well, again, this I understand. It feels very grown-up to have a parent sharing adult details with you like this. Old Wolf should (in theory) know better, but...

Old Wolf has fastened onto this idea that I cannot "prove" I didn't sleep with Dave the night we shared a hotel room. He swears some guy in one of his vet groups up in Oregon told him that "everybody knew" it had happened. That doesn't even make any sense. Dave was not a kiss and tell kind of guy, whether in speaking of truth or lies, he wouldn't have gone and told some random dude halfway across the country that he'd had sex with me even if it had happened, and it didn't. Some guy I don't even know saying it was "common knowledge that's why your marriage broke up" to Old Wolf... It's so wtf and farfetched on so many levels it just boggles my brain. So I can only conclude that at some level it is a lie. Either Old Wolf made it up himself to lend credence to his accusation (which I think is what has happened) or else he was sharing that he had doubts about that night when his wife shared a hotel room with the singer of her favorite band, and like guys sometimes do, the dude says "oh, yeah man she totally cheated on you." I don't know why, but I've seen soldiers, and strangers on forums, whenever a guy says "I have a suspicion" other men pile on and tell them they are surely right. So Old Wolf lied or that guy lied. I doubt it was Dave who lied. I knew him well enough, it wasn't his style.

What had occurred was that I found myself in the same hotel as the band, through sheer accident (their bus broke down) in Albuquerque in October 2013 before Dave died that following Spring. I've told the story many times, because it was the last time I saw him alive. I had a standing rule, which I made up myself to prevent male friends at concerts who were going on the cheap from trying to skeeve in on my hotel space, that no men were allowed in my hotel room when I traveled to concerts. I didn't even make that rule for Old Wolf's sake, but he assumed I had. Anyhow, Dave whined and wheedled his way into my room, saying otherwise he'd have to share a bed with the bass player. I had two beds in the room, and was clearly only using one. So finally, I relented. He did try to creep on me a bit, but I stuck to my guns and made him stay on his side of the room. We stayed up most of the night talking and watching part of Trainspotting. At one point he tried to crawl in bed with me, and he lay next to me grinning at me, and I awkwardly on my back, not touching, finally said, "Dave, this is not cool. You promised to stay on your side of the room. Please go." And he did. And commended my "resolve." The only physical contact I had with him the whole time, were two hugs before I left. The last was a big, lingering one, where he lifted me off my feet, and that was right before I left him in the room, dragging my roller suitcase, feeling inexplicably sad...and later I reflected how serious that farewell felt, after (5 months later) he OD'ed on heroin.

But of course, Old Wolf only ever saw that I "worshiped the ground that guy walked on" and he never really got it. He is one of these men who believe that it's impossible for men and women to be friends, especially if there's any possibility of attraction, without it going "there." But that only told me he views women as things to be used, not as people, or maybe judges us by his own example, I don't know. He can't comprehend that I friend-zoned, so to speak, Dave ages ago. Even before the star-struck feeling wore off, I pitied those who had deeper than superficial dealings with him, because much as he was brilliant and cool, he was also a total flake, very unreliable, and just too damn chaotic for me to have too close...I establish the right boundary for every person I know. If I felt compelled to have sex with every male for whom I have any sort of positive feeling, I'd never have time for them all! Just because Old Wolf doesn't understand liking a person you COULD bang, yet not wanting to actually bang them, doesn't mean it's not a thing. Especially for women, apparently.

But this very thing was a big part of why I hated being female when I was with him, I tried to suppress my feminine and sexual self...because being an object of desire to All The Men made me morally bad, to him. Part of that whole mess, and if I didn't change his mind in 18 years of faithful marriage, then I won't be doing it now. And I just don't care enough to put energy into it.

So anyhow, I went home after that night and told my (then) husband all about it, not wanting to hide anything from him. Instead of being thankful I'd told him the truth on the bending of understood boundaries and agreements, he was furious that I did not call and give him a play by play when it was happening, so he could have "done something" about it. That, apparently, is now further "evidence" along with the fact that Dave is dead so there's "no proof" of my story, that he can make up whatever he wants and it can stand as the true, real version of events, and he can tell everyone he knows. This is what I'm dealing with here.

When he grilled me on it, some weeks back when he insisted on meeting in person because he "has new information and knows things and we need to talk" I just felt this sense of resigned exhaustion. I don't deal in this kind of shit anymore, and I don't want to. I'm not going to fight back and forth for hours, and defend my good name in his eyes against some made up bullshit pertaining to a thing that never happened, four+ years ago, that could have some bearing on a relationship that no longer even exists. I told him I didn't care what he thought, if he needed to believe this to help him sleep at night, he could believe anything he likes, and I similarly give zero fucks what he tells his friends, because I've put no effort into remaining friends with them anyhow. I don't care what you think or they think, I told him. Just leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone.

He agreed to that. But he just can't let this shit go. So for some time this weekend, I wrestled with my internal monologues, and what I should tell my kid (that conversation was actually easier than I'd worried about) and whether I should contact Old Wolf and read him the riot act over this (no, I'd really rather not) and by the time we got around to whether I was going out to see my friends and talk about hypnosis, I was simply too tired inside for it.
 
Hey! I just got a good news!

My office is doing a thing, with their outdated laptops (which I'm sure are still more modern than the cheap laptop from 2011 that I'm running at home, and likely to have better specs)...they are selling them for $50 each, but we had to enter a drawing to win the chance to buy one. I won! So I got what's probably a laptop worth like I'd guess at least $200-300 (more perhaps?) for $50. Yay me!
 
I just re-read all that...stuff...

And timely, I went to my smoke break just now, and I was sitting there scrolling through Facebook on my phone, and saw a little article about "post narcissist stress disorder" which I suppose is a good way to put it. Like I am so accustomed to someone being in my life who tries to pick apart the reality that I am living and experiencing and re-frame it to be something it's not, and even though he's not really here doing that anymore (much) it's like in a way, he kinda lives in my head somewhat. To the point where I go over and over my own logic, memories, and thoughts, as though fortifying myself with defenses against an attacker who is no longer at my gates. I guess I am glad I have this blog as a place to spill that stuff, especially since later I reflect on it and sit back with a little perspective and see it for what it is. The form of gaslighting where he is all too ready to substitute his reality for mine, regardless of the fact that I was there and I know what happened, what didn't, what I heard and saw and experienced...not just the last couple posts from yesterday, but even the way I spelled out that I'm glad I never became sexual with Supernova, and why, these are the kinds of residual processes that are me defending myself from those behaviors. It's a habitual thing. I hope one day I can stop, because really I don't have to explain and justify my reality to anyone. I don't need to build any cases to make sure everybody knows I'm not doing the wrong things...the only person out there who would accuse me is no longer part of my life. I don't live in a relationship full of suspicion, paranoia, imagined scenarios and alternate versions of events, and constant attacks upon my character. I left that behind in the material sense, now I need to work on leaving it behind in the psychological sense.

I truly hope that after the kids are grown and independent, Old Wolf and I can keep our agreement to have nothing to do with one another, and that over time, all of the bad mental habits grown out of a need to defend my inner self from him will fade away.

I have had some folks tell me that reading my blog is uncomfortable for them. That it is very personal, and feels invasive. Sometimes I think, yeah...tell me about it, this stuff is in my head. You are peeking behind the curtain, my friend. I act really "together" most of the time, it's important to me not to burden anybody with the difficult stuff, the ugly stuff, that exists in my mind. I've only given the location of my blog to people I trusted...sometimes they read, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have shared it with anyone because I'm afraid they'll see that I'm not 100% sane, calm, "like a rock," completely stable and in charge of my shit all the time. And I'll drive them away, if they think I'm crazy. And on the heels of that thought is...but why do I have to be perfect? Other people don't. So I can only shrug and let it be what it be.

I'm trying. It's the best anyone can ask, I guess.

So in news of the real things, I had to run my kid to a class after I got off work yesterday, and do a little grocery shopping, and on my lunch I'd gone to Goodwill and bought a lot of cheap things I didn't truly need but really liked a lot. Candles, a couple of wine bottles, some shelves that hang on the wall. Hard to fuss at myself when the prices were so good and my budget is in the black for this week and month so far.

(Zen, if you're reading this, the shelves that are sitting on the kitchen table, I have plans for them except the black ones. There's a corner shelf I thought you might find a use for, and another black one there you can have, too, if you like.)

And for a change I actually cooked dinner. A sort of teriyaki chicken and noodles I like to make. Cream cheese wontons.

After that I just took it easy and relaxed.

In news of the weird... I was going through some coupons the other day that I got in the mail, and there was an ad for a dentists' office where they're doing a "Halloween candy buy back." $1 per pound. Somehow the idea of parents letting their kids go trick or treating, only to take away their candy and sell it to a dentist for such a horribly low amount (compared to the actual cost of candy) really bugs me. And what does the dentist do with it? Burn it while he and his techs and hygienists dance around it in the night? Everything about this is really wtf, to me.

And yesterday I was on my way to work, and there was a pothole in the middle of the road. A roughly circular one about 8" or so across and a couple inches deep. An unremarkable pothole, except that there was a rabbit sitting in it. Like just chillin, in the pothole, in the middle of the road. As I drew near, I muttered, "Rabbit! What the hell are you doin??" and it leapt out and ran off. Weird.

Is it just me, or does agitated squirrel chatter sound like profanity? Like they're really chewing somebody out? I sometimes wonder...

I have no plans after work today. That's nice. I thought about reaching out to see if anybody wanted to come over, it'd be a good day for it. I dunno. Guess my feeling about things not working out so well in that regard (socially) recently has been that I can do things at home and make myself quite happy, and it's ok. Seems whether I get to spend extroverty time with my people, or introverty time with my book and my cat, I'm pretty alright either way. Time with Zen is the best. I look forward to some of that tomorrow, before he goes out of town to visit his Dad. I'll miss him, he'll be gone almost a week. I wish I could go, but I was right in thinking I wouldn't be able to afford it this time around.
 
I didn't wind up inviting anybody over last night. I don't know what holds me back, the worst that will happen is they'll all decline. I mean, I go to do it, and some part of my mind says, "Nah, they're all busy." And I just don't.

I did hang a number of things on my bedroom walls that I'd been meaning to get to, and I put together a floral arrangement of fake magnolias (real enough at a distance) and those shiny berry clusters in tones of deep fall gold, and some of those off-white roses with lace in them...very deep greens, off whites, gold-browns...and arranged them in this iron rack, made similar to how they do those iron candle-holders you hang on the wall, and I hung it up high in my foyer. I can think of some bits I could add, that would make it even better, but it is good enough for now. The cat "helped." And I had a candle holder for my bedroom that had little glass cups with votives originally, but they'd mostly burned down and some of them had "drowned" wicks...they were cheap crappy candles to begin with, and I wanted to replace them. So I endeavored to melt out the old wax, and while it took some patience, I got it done. During this, I had a plastic bag spread out catching the hot wax, and of course I was playing with it, getting it all over my fingers and peeling it off. It has been a long time since I played around with candle wax, I used to really play with my candles and make a mess when I was a teenager. Picking them apart with my fingernails, covering my hands with semi-hot wax, which feels so delightfully squishy and warm to the touch... I've always loved candles. I have tons of them. No such thing as too many, in my personal opinion. I rarely burn them now, because I have concerns about open flames and a fluffy cat...but I still love them. Somewhere in life I picked up an odd but quaint (to me) bit of superstition that it's bad luck to display a candle that has never been lit. I don't seriously believe it, but I do at least light and burn for a little, every candle I display in my home. Has anyone else ever heard of this, I wonder? I don't remember where I heard it.

And so my evening was relaxing, my home is nice, and things were good. Except that my younger kid wants to stay home from school, and I let him...he IS exhibiting signs of illness, but I'm not sure if it would have been 100% impossible for him to get through another day at school. I don't know what to do with that kid. He swears he's working so hard on all of this tremendous burden of schoolwork, but every time I check on him, he's playing video games. If I call him to task on that, or on anything at all, he says I'm calling him a failure and worthless and he hates his life and I don't love him and so on. If I leave him alone and let him fail, he says "you were right, I wasted my time." OK, but you don't really let me help you, parent you, push or direct you...yet it's somehow also on me if you won't push yourself... The only way I know how to handle a PERSON who takes the approach that they can do anything they want no matter how harmful to themselves or others it is, and yet will be held accountable for nothing at all, is to push them out of my life and stay away from them. But this is my SON, and for the next 2.61 years he is my problem whether I know what to do with or for him, or not. I'd get him back into counseling if I could afford it, but it was costing me $40/week when we did that. It's kind of a lot of money. I'd searched around on my health insurance website and found no information about mental health coverage. I'm not sure we even have it, or if we do it's very limited, possibly to things like substance abuse. And besides which, I really worry about the tendency that professionals and schools have these days to slap labels on kids, especially boys, and feed them drugs. These pills they give kids for psychological problems are serious damn business, with major side effects. I don't think people should trifle with brain chemistry so lightly as they seem to do nowadays.

So I just don't know. The only thing that gives me any peace is the knowledge that even if he screws up in high school, it isn't the end of the world. I screwed up in high school, so did his father, so did his brother. And yet we all pulled something off in the end. And in all honesty, there is no requirement that he go to some prestigious college, that we probably won't be able to afford, no guarantee he'd be successful if he did, so the whole, "Get perfect grades and scholarships" thing...just not needful. To a point, all that matters is that you finish, not that you do so in first place or with flying colors. After high school, you can take a path through community college that is cheap and will take anyone, and go on to better things. So long as you're practical about where you're going, you can do just fine. After I gained entry into the business college I attended, which was easy with my ACT/SAT test scores, nobody cared what my GPA was from high school. Employers don't care. Only that you graduated.

So that's fine. And that is one thing. But my bigger worry is that his combination of entitlement, and extreme sensitivity to rejection and judgment and avoidance of personal responsibility and accountability, will turn him into one of these toxic, dysfunctional people, whose lives are a constant train wreck. And for heaven's sakes, I put in so much work on these boys to raise them better than this, I can't believe that a couple years of tumult surrounding the divorce of their parents is enough to completely undo it. Like I might as well have been some carousing crackhead all those years, instead of forever martyring myself to be the perfect mother, for all the good it did me and all the thanks I've ever got.

But have I ruined my kids, or is this just temporary teenage drama? I mean, they aren't running around in a gang, they don't threaten me with violence, they aren't drinking, smoking, or doing drugs...is it truly so bad? Raising kids is a pain in the ass. *sigh*

Well, it'll be over eventually. My forbearance with Ninja living in my home has its limits, and he's getting it mostly because I would still have to be parenting his brother anyways. Funny, I let myself get pregnant with Q, because I felt like if I already had the one, I might as well have two. My patience now with Ninja getting his adult game figured out in a slightly longer timeline than I'd hoped...it's a little similar in a way. This is not the threshold that makes me free of the burden of parenting, or anything. So I'm not frantic to shove him out of the nest. It may be interesting to see how things go once we reach this point with his little brother, though.
 
Oh, also...

I woke up this morning and my computer didn't work. Wouldn't start up, gets to the Windows splash screen and just sits there. Ran startup repair, got that to finish and shut down, didn't have time to see if that worked. No, it isn't remotely ok that just because I'm getting one of my office's obsolete laptops cheap on Friday that my old one at home just up and quit. No, universe! I am not ok with this. So if it didn't work, I'm just going to have to use the repair disks I made when I got it, and try to take it back to factory. Which is fine, actually, because I tend to store practically everything in the cloud now anyways. I just hate dealing with tech problems. Pisses me off.

:mad:
 
Whatever startup repair did yesterday on my old laptop, worked. Yay that. One less thing to worry about.

I had a lovely evening with my Zen last night. We watched another couple of episodes of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, which is a fun show, and we had sex and snuggled and loved on one another. I swear I feel like being with him is...it feels like celebrating being alive. No matter what we are doing, I feel such a warmth and happiness in what we have together. I have never known anything like this, and I am so happy and grateful I have it, and him, in my life.

He is going out of town to visit his Dad, for nearly a week. I will miss him.

I'm going to a party at Voodoo this Saturday, it is a Halloween themed play party, so I guess I should wear some kind of a costume, maybe pick up some Halloween themed treats or food for it. I've decided to take a shift on the door, since Zen won't be there and I doubt if I'm playing. I hope that more of the people who came to the volunteer training classes actually step up to help soon, because they have that particular job chopped into 2 shifts when it would probably be better if it were 3. 9:30-12:00 seems like a rather long time, and if I were trying to really enjoy the party and do a scene, I probably wouldn't have wanted to sit at the front desk for such a big chunk of the party. It's also the most active part of the night, too. I don't mind missing out on the action in the dungeon this time, but I know how I'd feel about it otherwise. So I'll use the weekend my Zen is out of town to get caught up on the housework I blew off last weekend, and to make sure that the club and community get some of my time and volunteer efforts. Fortuitously, this Sunday is "Clean and Fix Day" there as well.

My older son, Ninja, got to hear about a number of the career opportunities available through and following the course of education in welding at the community college, last night at his class. I guess this class, it's kind of a free intro to these things. So they were being shown real job listings, and they were being told about the market for those skills here locally. Which is really pretty huge, with all of the military contracts and the construction going on everywhere. Ninja was excited to hear about an aircraft welding repair specialization that could get him making over $80k/year. I'm glad he's enthusiastic enough to focus on this and pursue this path. I think one of the scariest things about being 18, is being technically an adult but with no solid idea of what you're doing with your life. That's where I was at 18 anyhow. Drifting with no plan or purpose can really lead you into some dodgy places. Especially if your family has just pulled the rug out from under you with regard to any kind of guidance or support...which we are NOT doing with Ninja. We may not be rich, so maybe I could never afford to get him braces, and we can't put him through a fancy college for a fancy degree or anything, we can't buy him a car or anything like that. But we're here with him, to advise him, and to give him a place to live if he needs it, while he figures things out. It's more than I had. And I think I can cover him on my health insurance until he's like 26 or something...I should look into that, but I know he can be on my coverage for a while. I think like all parents, I'd hoped to be able to provide a really great life and a head start in adulting, for my kids. I often feel like I've failed in that, so I try to keep sight of the areas in which we're actually doing alright here.
 
Man! I was so tired, I went to bed really early last night, and then I struggled to sleep. I woke up once because I thought I heard someone walking through the house in tappy cloppy shoes, and I briefly thought my son was sleepwalking. Well it was my son, there was a noise, but it wasn't anybody walking around. He just sits in his room on his computer and he taps on surfaces all the time. It's why he likes those fidget spinner things, he's fidgety. So it was just Q tapping about, and it was still early enough he didn't even need to be told to go to bed, it was like 9:30 or something. Went back to sleep. Then the cat was fussy, walking around on me and meowing and messing with random objects in my room wanting me to wake up. Then I had weird dreams. I dreamed that I somehow found out that the Worm King was playing a gig in Ellicott, which is weird on various levels (Worm King isn't with a band these days as far as I know, and hasn't been for years, Ellicott is the middle of nowhere and there's nowhere in that tiny town consisting of like a school and a gas station, for any band to play anyhow, it just makes no sense.) I dreamed that I called him and told him he'd better hurry up and get on the road out there for that gig because it's pretty far out into the country and it takes a while to get there, and he told me to stop being stupid and hung up on me. Also, I really haven't heard from him in ages and don't talk to him anyhow, so...

??

My dreaming brain is kooky.

Then I was too hot, then I was too cold...you get the idea. So while I was in bed for what seemed like a long time, actually like 8-9 hours, I wasn't sleeping properly, but I feel ok this morning.

Got a lot goin' on today. I need to pay for my new laptop from work, I am leaving early because I've got a guy coming to service the furnace, and I need to pick up Q from school because he's volunteering to help set up for their "Holiday Bazaar" thing. Then there is Game Night at Voodoo that I plan to attend, too.

I have recently (twice) come across someone saying something to the effect of, "How does a Sadist punish a masochist? By doing nothing." Yeah, haha I get it. But in looking at how my take on masochism and my relationship is...it's like "That's not how any of this works." In a sense, I'm like maybe the ones who said they can't imagine me being truly submissive are right. I mean, I definitely don't want to be treated like an incompetent child in my relationship, and I don't need my partner to do all the work of directing my choices in life, and I'm not sure I need a system of reward and punishment. I enjoy doing certain things for my Zen because there is an "acts of service" element to expressing love that sometimes feels good to do, yet at the same time, if my life has exhausted me to the point where I can't clean his bathroom right now and I need to take an evening to rest, I do not need to be "punished" for that and I'm not sure that sort of thing would be an enjoyable element to add to our relationship (for either of us really.) Some D/s play here and there? Yes. And I love to sit at his feet when we're at parties, and to feel like I am "His" and to be devoted to him. But the SM play is not about punishment for me, and I don't think I'd want it to be. I enjoy it on a more um...holistic?...sort of transcendent level, and I enjoy that HE enjoys inflicting pain. It turns me on to know he's getting turned on. It is never so simple as "a masochist likes pain and a Sadist likes causing it." I also feel like it adds this whole depth to our intimacy. It's like some of the concepts I've seen in those physics science shows talking about additional dimensions. There is the energy exchange between us that happens when we scene, it's more than sexual. And sharing these experiences with him makes me feel very connected to him. There is a thing called "trauma bonding." You can experience it in bad ways in abusive relationships, or when you survive scary life experiences with someone else. But this is so much better, because it's like the brain chemistry is there but it's actually safe. It's like the difference between getting in a terrible car accident or riding an exhilarating roller coaster.

Honestly it still makes me sad to be around so many "muggles" in the world who seem to lack comprehension of the difference between hurt and harm, and why anyone would do what we do. I feel like they are missing out on something...something big. And my god what is WITH the obsession with sex?? I mean, sex is fantastic and all, but not everything is completely all about sex all the time, and participating in my old forum to some extent, I swear, muggle society is just fixated on it, and they assume, in this nearly insistent way, that it's like that for everyone. Nudists? What a bunch of freaks! Don't they know that no one wants to see your naughty bits unless you're hot?? Nudity must always equal sex, right?? And when you try to explain that it actually feels amazing and liberating to be naked without it being about sex, it's like their brains stop working and they begin to froth at the mouth. I could totally to go to a nudist event or location. I think I'd really enjoy it. I like being sexually naked, and I like being NOT sexually naked. Both are very nice. I dunno. I'm ranting about nothing important now.

Muggles are weird.

My Zen is awesome.

Life is good.
 
Feeling restless and annoyed.

I forgot about this stupid road construction this morning, and I've already been struggling to adjust my commute and my schedule to it. My work has implemented this policy this year that "if you're not early, you're late" and they're being nitpicky about minutes and seconds, and I was 2 minutes late, which now matters and is cause for a talking-to. Like, other jobs I've had were at least flexible enough to the tune of maybe like 5 minutes? No. Not here, not anymore. *sigh*

And I am missing Zen. I'm glad he comes back tomorrow. I am going to get him from the airport.

My kids and my ex have been trying my sanity and I'm so tired of dealing with them. All of them. I don't even want to talk about it, not here or anywhere. I'm tired and fed up.

I wish I could go back home and go to bed, and not get out of bed until I have my Zen back, and not talk about my stuff then but just have snuggles and sex and things that feel good.

God, you know, I think maybe that's part of my social problem right now. I've had that issue that I want time with people I love, like, care about, my friends and all...but I have issues and I'm tired of talking. I have to spend so much stressful time talking with my ex and my kids, and I'm sick of words and stress and bad feelings. I don't wanna talk anymore. Maybe this is what's up with me just feeling like going home and cleaning and reading my book. This "let me crawl in a hole and pull it in after me" feeling.

I did do an awful lot of cleaning, though, this weekend. I have a little more I want to do tonight...not much though...that's nice.
 
I'm feeling a little better today.

My oldest went with his Dad to take his written test for his learner's permit, and he passed it easily, so now his Dad will start the "drive time" with him and get him taught. I didn't learn to drive until I was 24, because I lived in cities with great metro systems and couldn't afford a car anyways. But then we moved to Iowa...and I needed to know, so my ex taught me then. And he is quite good at the teaching, even though I was scared to learn. So I have confidence in his ability to handle this. Mobility is one of the key goals we have for Ninja in getting him out on his own. Next is a job.

I got all my cleaning done last night. And I get to pick Zen up from the airport tonight. I will be so happy to have him home. And I've got to lead a discussion group tomorrow at Voodoo, so Ninja is going to, for the first time, take an Uber home from his evening class. I got the app installed and linked to my Paypal, so he shouldn't have any trouble, it looks really easy to use. I could have Zen pick him up, and I'm comforted to have him as a backup option if there is a problem, but I want Ninja to do this, just as a "learn how to do a thing for yourself" experience.

And I have another discussion group on Thursday, which I may or may not attend, and I don't think I'm going anywhere or doing anything on Friday or Saturday. I think I'm just going to spend some time with Zen those days.
 
So I picked up Zen from the airport yesterday, and neither of my kids, nor my ex, decided to add any drama to my life, so that is excellent as well. It was a pretty good day! I was full of happiness to see Zen and have him back home, to the point I kept struggling to find words for it...and there aren't good words for it...but I think he understands.

I know this baffles people who know me, but I actually have a really hard time figuring out what to do with my teenagers for Halloween. They are too old for trick or treating...well, not by any arbitrary requirement, but they're too old to feel comfortable doing it. And they are too young for any adult or bar type parties, which I wouldn't take them to anyhow but...maybe it's easier to say, they don't have plans with friends of their own, of a "party" nature. I want to spend time with them and do something nice, but...what? Adding to the complication, the fact that my money is still absurdly tight. I have some financial challenges I haven't really discussed with anyone, because it makes me feel incompetent and self conscious and I don't want anyone to feel like I want to take advantage or ask them for help...I need to work out solutions on my own. But it's hard. My youngest son in particular always wants stuff, and never stuff that is free. I just don't know. We spent a lot last year going to the haunted houses. I can't conscience doing that again this year. I thought maybe I'd look for some kind of a "pumpkin patch & hayride" type attraction this year, go do some fall fun perhaps on Sunday, and then we could carve pumpkins and maybe hang some cobwebs around the front yard, and just hand out candy on actual Halloween.

I know I have fond memories as a teenager of going to the fall farms with family, doing pumpkin patches and carving, hayrides, drinking hot cider, stuff like that. Maybe they'll enjoy that, though I'm sure they'd scoff and call it boring if I asked them ahead of time.

But here I am, the spooky girl that everyone expects to have Halloween pinned down and do the coolest things, and I'm nearly stumped.

Frankly holidays became something I got a bit grouchy about when I had an intact nuclear family thing and the house and all...I put way too much work into them, and no one wanted to help or do anything for me. It got tiring, and made me feel taken for granted. So part of me loves and wants the big impressive holiday extravaganzas, and part of me struggles to care.

We have an appraiser coming today, to poke around our place. I'm a bit annoyed about this. We had all these things that had to be looked at and fixed initially...the stove burners, the dryer, the garage door, the hot water heater that leaked everywhere and the water mitigation to the carpet that got wet, the inspector after the hot water heater replacement and the guy who came to service the furnace, and now...now an "appraiser." Like do we ever get to just quietly live in our space without strangers nosing about? Though in all fairness, the furnace guy was cool, he liked my GWAR posters.

Anyhow I asked the property management why an appraisal was being done, I wanted to know if the owners were considering selling the place. I would think that might affect our lease and all. They said "No, it's just a thing we do sometimes." ??? I would truly like to know, FOR WHAT PURPOSE do you need this done "sometimes"...? Are they trying to figure out if they could be charging us more rent, or what? I hope that the owners are perhaps considering a refi. That would explain the need for it, especially with the cost of the new garage door and the new hot water heater that somebody had to cover...probably the owner, I'd guess... Whatever. The house is clean. I woke the boys up this morning and made them tidy their rooms, amidst much grumbling.
 
I don't know how your boys would feel about this, but Jade's favorite family activity during Halloween season is to watch scary movies and shows...the more the better, anything goes from black & white Hitchcock, to the latest thriller and everything in between (the more obscure, the better but anything works.) It's cheap and fun.
 
PinkPig said:
I don't know how your boys would feel about this, but Jade's favorite family activity during Halloween season is to watch scary movies and shows...the more the better, anything goes from black & white Hitchcock, to the latest thriller and everything in between (the more obscure, the better but anything works.) It's cheap and fun.
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Yeah, I think I'm going to see about picking up some cheap decorative somethin' or other, even just a couple bags of spiderwebs would be better than nothing, and doing a little decorating out front this weekend. Heck maybe I'll go look today for a few things. I may have time tonight to decorate a bit, though the weather is going to suck.

And then this weekend, the boys and I can carve a few pumpkins maybe and then watch movies and hand out candy on actual Halloween. I have Beetlejuice, Rocky Horror, both Ghostbusters films, Coraline, some vampire flicks, I've got some things that are Halloweenish enough I think. We can make something of it.

So yesterday wound up being all sorts of silly. Q got in trouble at school. I've had about enough talking about that, so I don't want to get into it here but suffice to say I had to go pick him up. Then I had plans to go to Voodoo because I was asked to lead a discussion group. Only, I don't have door unlocking privileges and I am quite certain I told the lady who normally leads this group that I'd be happy to lead the discussion but I can't open the door. So that was supposed to be covered. But it wasn't. And so we were all out in the parking lot, while I frantically texted and messaged to try and get someone to come open the door. And watched my phone's battery charge dwindle alarmingly. Finally about an hour after everybody showed up, we had another one of our top volunteers who does have door access, arrive and let us in. And Ninja was at his class and he was supposed to be taking an Uber home (building life skills, mobility powers activate!) only he says he tried to do it and the app threw him an error, and wouldn't work.

... Well fortunately I had a couple of backup transport options in place in case of such an issue. His Dad had said he might be available, and I had Zen with me at the discussion group, and I texted his Dad, and his Dad was busy so I sent Zen to go fetch the boy.

On the bright side... Here I am worrying about my son standing on the sidewalk downtown across the street from a park full of homeless people, but he said it was a good thing he was lingering around, because an interesting girl came down the steps and complimented him on his Dragon Age Origins hoodie and they struck up a conversation. He was happy to have chatted with a cute girl. The discussion group ended up going reasonably well, I thought, and I think we got at least 2, possibly 3 new club members out of it. Honestly, in my personal estimation, although I love the discussion groups for their own sake and I feel it helps lots of people learn a lot about the community ethics and best practices and what BDSM and all means to various people...at the end of the day, one of the most valuable functions of these groups is that it's a free opportunity for new people to show up at the club when there is no party happening, and get a look around and a feel for the place, and decide if they want to become members. I've said that I can sometimes tell who is going to come back and who isn't. The number one "They'll be back" group are the recently divorced. The number one "they will never be back" group are the ones who are just looking for a singles mixer to pick somebody up and get laid, hopefully with little expense and no effort. The "this is a sex club, right? Where's the sex, I want some" folks...yeah, no. That is still not how it works. As soon as they are informed of that, which is usually fast since they're easy to spot, they vanish. For some, and it is usually men in this camp, a lack of instant success feels like rejection. Unfortunately their lack of patience will only likely guarantee more of the same in their future, but that isn't really my problem I guess. Well, last night we had a couple, and couples who have a genuine interest like these two did usually do come back. And they made some big toy purchases on their way out, at the end of the night, and that is super great. I'm about 100% sure they're going to become regular members and I'll be seeing them around. Then this older man...I think he was Japanese, but I could be wrong and I wouldn't presume to guess to his face. Like many Westerners, I'm not educated enough in the differences in looks, accent, culture, or anything else with regard to various Asian countries. It's embarrassing, sometimes, to be so ignorant, but I know I'm not alone in it. Anyhow, he was very interested and engaged, but there were traces of "sketchy" about him that left me slightly unsure. His car was badly beaten up, and there were a few things he said at times, it was more than any one thing I can pin down, it was a culmination of a lot of small cues. Like I would not be surprised if he is a great person, but I also would not be surprised if he was some kind of a predator, and I have half an eye on him. My gut says, "withhold judgment but be cautious, watch and listen for more information."

I've got a good gut. I would not go so far as to say it's red-flagging the guy right now, but there is a ? symbol placed in my mind where he is concerned. I think he will return and become a member, but I'm not positive. So. We will see.

All's well that ends well, I guess, as far as yesterday was concerned. But it was a weird day.

I was planning to attend another discussion group tonight (not one I'm running, thankfully) but there is a possibility of snow in the forecast, so there's a good chance I'll skip that. I don't drive in weather unless I absolutely must.
 
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