The story of Spork.
- Thread starter Spork
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Spork
Active member
We are nearing the end of Season 1. I'm really enjoying the show, though I had a bit of trouble getting into it at first. But unlike where you're coming from with the not wanting to watch it when it's too dark...we appreciate the dark parts as adding some depth to the story. Layers. Makes it interesting for us, I think.
Eliot is the reason I started watching it, or rather, the actor who plays him. He was at Starfest when we went, and he seems extremely nice, and he seems to be having a really good time making the show. Having seen how he is in person, I'm kind of impressed that he can pull off the rather haughty attitude. I got the impression that he is adorably humble, as a person. He had a good human energy to him, to the point that I wanted to support and appreciate his work, to some extent, so when I started casting around for a show to watch, I decided to give The Magicians a shot...as I said, it didn't hook me at first, but I came back to it and gave it a more serious try and after the first couple of episodes I was into it.
But I'll tell you, I would rather spend an hour talking to the man who plays Eliot, than to the character on the show. I'd buy him a drink. It would be some sort of vegan smoothie or fancy coffee drink, I'm sure. He just seems like such a nice kid.
..........
So last night I did wind up going to the discussion group, as there was no snow to speak of (it flew through the air and melted on the ground.) I didn't get any gift wrapping done, but there are also a handful of other small-beans errands and tasks that have been cluttering up my mind. The kind of things you'll remember at odd moments, like, "Oh hell I need to remember to do that. And that. Crap." and worry about forgetting, the sort of bits I should have been writing on a list I guess. But I got a number of those tasks done and so I was pleased with myself by the time I left for the group.
In retrospect...I cannot say I'm glad I went. I mean, I always enjoy being at Voodoo, but the group wasn't anything spectacular, we sat around meandering off on a hundred life topics and didn't talk about anything important. Jersey guy was there, but he's always there. I could have stayed home and wrapped gifts and that would probably have been a better use of my time. But that's life, I sometimes don't go to stuff and regret it, and I sometimes go to stuff and regret it, I don't always know what the best choice would have been until I'm looking back at it. Cannot be too hard on myself for these things. There is a good chance I'll get off early this afternoon from work, and Zen is meeting his friend to see the Star Wars film, so perhaps I will have time this evening to work on the wrapping.
And of course, there is always Christmas eve!
I woke up this morning to a Facebook message from the Worm King. "Hey you." "Hope you're doing well." At like 11PM. I still think that once in a while he gets to drinking his sippin' booze and pings people while under the influence of alcohol and not for any reason more substantial than that. But I responded this morning, saying "I'm doing well, making the Christmas magic happen around here. Hope you're doing alright." I don't expect he'll reply (unless he drinks again the next few nights.) I do think of him and miss him sometimes. I've had a twinge of worry, because I know his father passed not so long ago, and I hope he is doing ok...yet reaching out to express condolences felt like an overstep because the only reason I know about his Dad was snooping on his Facebook one day, out of idle boredom more than anything. Fire thinks one day he'll come out to Voodoo, and I am betting he won't. I mean I nearly feel like, "I'll eat my hat if he shows up to the club." I'd probably be pretty jazzed to see him again, but it doesn't matter that much. Still have some tiny zots of intellectual interest and a very slight wistful "what might have been" in my soul but my bigger feelings for the man have died. I am very fully invested in my Zen. I wouldn't hurt him for the world.
Sometimes I think, though, that my very devoted and highly focused sexual attachment to Zen...well, it's a good news/bad news situation. Like the good news is that the likelihood I will cheat, or even want another male enough to approach him in the hopes of renegotiating my poly/mono status, is non-existent. The desire just isn't there. Even my lingering whatever for the Worm King has really dwindled down to nothing, which I am realizing because I used to get a pang of excitement when he contacted me (even while my brain knew not to read much into it)...and now, not so much. It used to be like, "Oh! He still thinks about me!" and now it's, "Oh...look at that. Bet he's drinking." I wouldn't mind seeing him for conversation or a card game at the club if he ever showed up, but I don't WANT him anymore, and I remember how it was with him with this sense of "My god that was a lot of emotional hassle." Guess I'm glad, I used to actually get angry at myself for feeling what I felt for him.
The bad news of my attachment to Zen? At least as far as things are concerned with him? I don't know how effective I'll be at building connections with other women for me/him/us to play with. I feel like I've got a switch for "Open/Closed" when it comes to contemplating sexual fun with people...if I'm in "Open" mode, I'm casting about, and anyone is a possible candidate. If I'm in "Closed" mode where I feel like I belong to someone...it very hard for me to see anyone but them as a sexual interest. I might get really excited about meeting new people and making new friends and being affectionate to a point with my friends...but for some reason, if I mentally bring up the idea of "sex?" I get that shrinking-away feeling in my heart or stomach. Of course we've talked a bit in another thread about where the line is drawn, since many forms of physical affection are still on the table...and it's the idea of getting the genitals involved or trying to deliberately stimulate someone to orgasm, the messy business of bodily fluids and all...if I can frame something as "play" or sensation or impact or whatever, that is different. But frame it in the "sex" compartment and suddenly I get stressy twinges and start overthinking things.
That goes for men or women. And it's rather frustrating, because I know that he would like it if I/he/we had other women in my/his/our sex life to some extent or other...and distinctly NOT other men...but there is some sort of a possibility that it's all or nothing with me. That my sexuality is either his and his alone, or it's wild and free and liable to grab anybody without checking their plumbing first. I know which one I prefer, which is to be his alone, if that's how it is. I dunno, it's a concept I probably need to mull over more.
Because I don't know if I'm barely bisexual, or if I'm so bi or sapiosexual that I can't really discriminate, or what. The base facts of how I feel are:
- I enjoy all of the social activity, flirting, hugging, etc. with anyone. I easily and happily feel affectionate and loving towards any number of friends and I get excited about just having good conversations with people. And honestly, often, a really good social session sometimes feels more intimate and pleasing than sex (at least sex with people in my past who were not Zen. As I've said before, sex with him is a whole other thing entirely.)
- I form "crushes" on other women, but that rarely extends to wanting to have sex with them. More to a "I wanna snuggle you up and love you" place, or one of intense admiration in some cases.
- Thinking about certain things triggers a feeling of worry/dread/stress/discomfort...it isn't an extreme feeling, it's like a flutter of upset stomach or something. Something inside saying, "no...bad idea." I also get the same feeling when I contemplate being a top, and I don't know why. I have encountered this feeling before, even at times when I was going to see a GWAR show or I was planning to do something that I know very well I wanted to do, there was no reason for me to not do it, and if I push past the feeling I'm often ok. Even enjoy myself. It's not a premonition. I don't know why I feel it. It is the same feeling I've had when I was about to have sex with someone but I didn't especially want to, and I didn't really know why, but couldn't really say no at the stage I was at. I had no reason to say no, I'd been into it all the way up to some particular point, and then hit an invisible wall. Of course in those situations I always went through with it, because I didn't want to be "that girl" who teases and gets a guy going and at the last minute says no, for no reason. Those moments always made me feel like something was wrong with me.
My struggle is when there is something I have in my brain as "I want to do this" and my gut throws what seem like nebulous emotional objections for no reason. And then I have to "process." It's actually kind of annoying sometimes. I don't know if I should just stop grasping for reasons and feel what I feel, or if I need to keep gnawing on things until I have some kind of breakthrough. I do like to understand what is behind my motivations, but sometimes...it's not always easy.
I'm getting better though, at examining POSSIBLE reasons and running them past my emotional self and getting a sense of "No, that isn't why" or "Yes, that resonates. You're on to something."
Is it hopelessly narcissistic of me to be so interested in my own inner mechanisms? I don't even know anymore...
Spork
Active member
^^ I feel you so much on all of this. And I don't think it's narcissistic to try to figure out WTF. I think people who figure their own shit out, even if it takes a while and many circuitous turns, are the best people to hang around with.
Thank you! I do feel good about my efforts, mostly because I want very much to be as "authentic" as possible...but in order to do that, one must do the work and figure out who one's authentic self even IS.
But at the same time, I can't help but raise a snarky, self-mocking eyebrow for writing paragraphs and walls of text about myself. Though ya know, here is an interesting thought. Would I give myself shit about it, if I were writing in a diary or a journal, that no one was meant to see? Do I only wonder how I am coming off to other people? Hm. Maybe.
Looking around at all the other monkeys, hoping they don't think I am insufferably self-absorbed. LOL. Well. This is my own processing space anyways. If they don't feel like reading it, nobody is making them!
Reverie
Active member
Would I give myself shit about it, if I were writing in a diary or a journal, that no one was meant to see? Do I only wonder how I am coming off to other people? Hm. Maybe.
Looking around at all the other monkeys, hoping they don't think I am insufferably self-absorbed. LOL. Well. This is my own processing space anyways. If they don't feel like reading it, nobody is making them!
Yeah, I actually have discovered that occasional interaction from other people is the thing that keeps me keeping my writing habit up. Which is super weird as a hard introvert. I've tried keeping a "regular" blog before and could never keep up with it. But if I feel like someone, somewhere, might be getting something useful out of it, even if it's just "hey, look at this fuck-up—won't be making THOSE mistakes myself," then it compels me to keep going.
And having a writing habit and a place to process things is very good for me. I figure a lot of shit out that way. The really private stuff that I'm not ready to commit to permanent internet record, I write in email drafts to myself. But I don't think I'd have even gotten there if my blog here didn't exist yet.
Spork
Active member
That is true. I have never been able to keep up with a journaling (on paper) habit, and I doubt I'd keep up with blogging if there was zero interaction and no one else reading it.
You know what strikes me as a bit ironic about my situation? I came to my relationship with Zen, as a poly gal. I still post in a poly blog. But at this point, I can see him maybe making what he could of an opportunity to have more sexual play with another gal, if things lined up that way...but I'm not really sure that I want/need to have sex with other people (of any gender) myself. It would be super funny if I wound up the mono one, in a mono-poly relationship, huh? But looking at what others do in life...some seem to get this long term lock on multiple relationships where they have the same config for years and years, and that's cool...but then some of us go through a lot of morphing in what we're doing and what our partners are doing etc. I remain convinced that just like BDSM, there's really no one "right" way to do any of this. We just make it up as we go, out of what seems to work at the time.
Spork
Active member
Well, Christmas weekend was reasonably great in some ways, a bit underwhelming in others.
The Great: Zen and I went to a gathering at Voodoo Friday night, and we pretty much made the party because we brought food and Cards Against Humanity. Before we'd arrived, people had brought a bit of boozahol, and were just sitting around talking. We got a game going and it was fun.
We spent a lot of time together on Saturday.
I got a lot done on Sunday, I decorated up the house more than I'd mustered the energy for (it is so pretty, I'll probably share pics at some point.) I got all the gifts wrapped, and I did a lot of housecleaning. Actually having the energy to get lots done makes me feel good.
Christmas itself, the gift exchange in the morning was really nice. I gave Zen a ton of shirts. The gift I was making happy noises about, was a short sleeved button up shirt (he'd asked me for those) covered in Looney Tunes characters. He loves Looney Tunes...it might be a little over the top, but it's just awfully cute and I spotted it in Spencer's when I wasn't expecting to find such a thing at all, especially in there. Zen gave me Godiva chocolate, and a Goblin King McFarlane toy (highly collectible!) and a gorgeous coffee table book full of "making of" stuff for The Dark Crystal. I love it! Ninja got me a Space Ghost Funko toy. I'm not normally into the Funko toys but I love Space Ghost, so it works. I got the boys complete paint sets since they are getting into painting D&D miniatures, and some canvas boards, too, and some other stuff like shoes Q wanted and a new Dragon Age: Inquisition hoodie to replace the one he'd worn literally to rags, and also a DA:I coat that might be a bit warmer. No matter how determined my sons are to freeze to death, there I am, giving them warm stuff to wear...
Zen and I are well into Season 2 of The Magicians and still enjoying that.
I also cooked a feast yesterday, and that was nice, but we're buried in leftovers now.
The underwhelming: Q had his therapy appointment, and I sat in on this first one...it left me feeling grumbly in my soul, but I am trying not to react much. He's so entitled, and so ungrateful, and his attitude sucks. He doesn't want to do the therapy, he doesn't want to see the psychiatrist, he doesn't want to try meds... More and more, I think he just wants to have the suicide card in his hand whenever he isn't getting his way. But I'm trying not to express such things. Either taking this seriously and "getting him the help he needs" will wake him up and get him on a different path, or it will lead him to stop sharing his stuff with people who make him see professionals, and lead him to maybe one day just do it. I don't even know. Maybe he'll just wind up moving in with his Dad sometime this year, and he'll be out of my hair. But it's only selfishness talking, because I know that is a terrible idea. It's just...the boy has it so good in so many ways. Ways many teenagers would kill to have. I guess, if it's internal depression, when we reach the point of trying meds, we'll know. And if he's just being a spoiled little arsehole, living with his Dad might illuminate the things he takes for granted. I don't know anymore.
Also underwhelming, I tried to get the boys to sit down for a card or board game with us, or a movie...anything really...yesterday, and Q refused to. He just wants to be left alone in his room. He doesn't really like anyone these days...I mean, he's ambivalent about Zen, but he dislikes me and his brother and would rather not be subjected to our company. Until the day he needs to complain about how awful his life is because we don't spend time with him and everything is my fault. Feh. Whatever. I tried not to let it get to me.
Frankly in the last few weeks, between Old Wolf pushing boundaries, and Q being dramatic, and my Mom guilting me about my social life and how she wishes I appreciated my family since "All she ever wanted was a husband and children" and blah, blah, blah (despite the sheer chaos of her life choices)... There have been times I've felt a little emotionally bruised lately.
Thank goodness for Zen, for being a constant force in showing me how loved I am.
So I mentioned before (I think) that possible issues with a bill I'd included in bankruptcy with my regular Doctor, had me questioning if I could still be seen there, and whether I should find a new doctor, or what... I just got a call a little while ago. They wanted me in for another ultrasound of my thyroid. Either this is something my Doc thought I'd be doing once a year, or else their system is giving them notifications to schedule based on things that happened last year at this time. But there's no way I'm doing that. The last time, since they didn't code it as having anything to do with checking for cancer, it was coded as simply "Ultrasound of the head or neck" as though I just demanded an ultrasound for funsies...my insurance didn't cover it. I tried to work with their billing dept during the bankruptcy. I told them, I won't be paying this...now you could try coding it differently, like for cancer screening, and my insurance might be willing to chip in, and I'd recommend you consider doing so, otherwise you won't be getting a dime on this bill... Well, they didn't re-code it, I guess that's just how it is submitted. Whatever. But if that's how it's going to be, I'm not shelling out over $200 for this procedure. They can fondle my neck if they want, and take my blood, those things I can pay for...but no ultrasound.
The discomfort I was having before, is completely gone. A couple of days on ibuprofen knocked it right out. I feel quite fine. So anyhow, that's good.
But I talked to the billing lady at my doctor's office today, and she said that they'd gotten the adjustments done to zero out my balances on the bill that was involved with the bankruptcy, so that won't be a concern. Like my lawyer had told me I needed to stop banking at my former bank, since I discharged a credit card I had with them. If I put my money into their hands, in a checking account, they could just seize it and apply it to the balance on the card. So I worried that if I incurred new charges with my Doc, and tried to pay it, they might take that and apply it to the old bill, leaving the new one open and payable, and possibly subject to collections, until I paid both the old and the new. That, evidently, is not a thing.
And I'm glad, because I'd rather not start a whole new relationship with a new provider.
So that stuff is cleared up, at least...
The Great: Zen and I went to a gathering at Voodoo Friday night, and we pretty much made the party because we brought food and Cards Against Humanity. Before we'd arrived, people had brought a bit of boozahol, and were just sitting around talking. We got a game going and it was fun.
We spent a lot of time together on Saturday.
I got a lot done on Sunday, I decorated up the house more than I'd mustered the energy for (it is so pretty, I'll probably share pics at some point.) I got all the gifts wrapped, and I did a lot of housecleaning. Actually having the energy to get lots done makes me feel good.
Christmas itself, the gift exchange in the morning was really nice. I gave Zen a ton of shirts. The gift I was making happy noises about, was a short sleeved button up shirt (he'd asked me for those) covered in Looney Tunes characters. He loves Looney Tunes...it might be a little over the top, but it's just awfully cute and I spotted it in Spencer's when I wasn't expecting to find such a thing at all, especially in there. Zen gave me Godiva chocolate, and a Goblin King McFarlane toy (highly collectible!) and a gorgeous coffee table book full of "making of" stuff for The Dark Crystal. I love it! Ninja got me a Space Ghost Funko toy. I'm not normally into the Funko toys but I love Space Ghost, so it works. I got the boys complete paint sets since they are getting into painting D&D miniatures, and some canvas boards, too, and some other stuff like shoes Q wanted and a new Dragon Age: Inquisition hoodie to replace the one he'd worn literally to rags, and also a DA:I coat that might be a bit warmer. No matter how determined my sons are to freeze to death, there I am, giving them warm stuff to wear...
Zen and I are well into Season 2 of The Magicians and still enjoying that.
I also cooked a feast yesterday, and that was nice, but we're buried in leftovers now.
The underwhelming: Q had his therapy appointment, and I sat in on this first one...it left me feeling grumbly in my soul, but I am trying not to react much. He's so entitled, and so ungrateful, and his attitude sucks. He doesn't want to do the therapy, he doesn't want to see the psychiatrist, he doesn't want to try meds... More and more, I think he just wants to have the suicide card in his hand whenever he isn't getting his way. But I'm trying not to express such things. Either taking this seriously and "getting him the help he needs" will wake him up and get him on a different path, or it will lead him to stop sharing his stuff with people who make him see professionals, and lead him to maybe one day just do it. I don't even know. Maybe he'll just wind up moving in with his Dad sometime this year, and he'll be out of my hair. But it's only selfishness talking, because I know that is a terrible idea. It's just...the boy has it so good in so many ways. Ways many teenagers would kill to have. I guess, if it's internal depression, when we reach the point of trying meds, we'll know. And if he's just being a spoiled little arsehole, living with his Dad might illuminate the things he takes for granted. I don't know anymore.
Also underwhelming, I tried to get the boys to sit down for a card or board game with us, or a movie...anything really...yesterday, and Q refused to. He just wants to be left alone in his room. He doesn't really like anyone these days...I mean, he's ambivalent about Zen, but he dislikes me and his brother and would rather not be subjected to our company. Until the day he needs to complain about how awful his life is because we don't spend time with him and everything is my fault. Feh. Whatever. I tried not to let it get to me.
Frankly in the last few weeks, between Old Wolf pushing boundaries, and Q being dramatic, and my Mom guilting me about my social life and how she wishes I appreciated my family since "All she ever wanted was a husband and children" and blah, blah, blah (despite the sheer chaos of her life choices)... There have been times I've felt a little emotionally bruised lately.
Thank goodness for Zen, for being a constant force in showing me how loved I am.
So I mentioned before (I think) that possible issues with a bill I'd included in bankruptcy with my regular Doctor, had me questioning if I could still be seen there, and whether I should find a new doctor, or what... I just got a call a little while ago. They wanted me in for another ultrasound of my thyroid. Either this is something my Doc thought I'd be doing once a year, or else their system is giving them notifications to schedule based on things that happened last year at this time. But there's no way I'm doing that. The last time, since they didn't code it as having anything to do with checking for cancer, it was coded as simply "Ultrasound of the head or neck" as though I just demanded an ultrasound for funsies...my insurance didn't cover it. I tried to work with their billing dept during the bankruptcy. I told them, I won't be paying this...now you could try coding it differently, like for cancer screening, and my insurance might be willing to chip in, and I'd recommend you consider doing so, otherwise you won't be getting a dime on this bill... Well, they didn't re-code it, I guess that's just how it is submitted. Whatever. But if that's how it's going to be, I'm not shelling out over $200 for this procedure. They can fondle my neck if they want, and take my blood, those things I can pay for...but no ultrasound.
The discomfort I was having before, is completely gone. A couple of days on ibuprofen knocked it right out. I feel quite fine. So anyhow, that's good.
But I talked to the billing lady at my doctor's office today, and she said that they'd gotten the adjustments done to zero out my balances on the bill that was involved with the bankruptcy, so that won't be a concern. Like my lawyer had told me I needed to stop banking at my former bank, since I discharged a credit card I had with them. If I put my money into their hands, in a checking account, they could just seize it and apply it to the balance on the card. So I worried that if I incurred new charges with my Doc, and tried to pay it, they might take that and apply it to the old bill, leaving the new one open and payable, and possibly subject to collections, until I paid both the old and the new. That, evidently, is not a thing.
And I'm glad, because I'd rather not start a whole new relationship with a new provider.
So that stuff is cleared up, at least...
I imagine this is someyhing you already know, but clinical depression can exhibit in odd ways, personality changes, anger etc. People get divorced or leave their families because their thought processes are off kilter. I hope you can get Q to take his meds consistantly. A friend's son kept having periods of refusing and she had to try different ways to check that he wasn't lying about taking them.
Leetah
Leetah
Here's a resource for your son. Just in case he feels like listening to recommendations for a minute. Worked for me for a while to understand my state better, and I found their daily emails quite encouraging.
https://www.moodscope.com/
https://www.moodscope.com/
PinkPig
Well-known member
My middle kid is struggling with depression (though he wouldn't admit it if you asked.) His go to defense mechanisms are isolation (stay in his room and game) and anger. When he does interact he can be quite the charmer/life of the party but that's only when he chooses to interact. He even isolates from his friends.... and he's on academic probation. He's been in and out of therapy for years...currently won't go. And, he refuses meds. He's legally an adult so I can't make him do either, not that you can make a 16 year old either. His father has struggled with depression and addiction for as long as I've known him. I fear this kid may be the same.
On the entitlement. My kids are definitely entitled, too...but I also think a lot of the bravado can be a façade, even when speaking to a therapist. Teens are very much into their image and how others perceive them. Hopefully, Q will click with this therapist and get real with him...but it may take a while.
On the entitlement. My kids are definitely entitled, too...but I also think a lot of the bravado can be a façade, even when speaking to a therapist. Teens are very much into their image and how others perceive them. Hopefully, Q will click with this therapist and get real with him...but it may take a while.
Spork
Active member
Well, Q... He can be very sweet, he wants to make other people pleased with him, and he's been making sure to thank me lately for doing things for him. He craves praise and affirmation, and he always has. Part of the dynamic set up by his Dad's placing his older brother above him from the time they were tiny. I mean, from the point that Q could walk and talk, Old Wolf was assigning bad motives to him, saying "He's cute to get away with things with Mom, but cute doesn't fly with Dad" and that he was constantly lying, and even calling him a "little politician" in a tone loaded with contempt. In contrast, Ninja could supposedly do no wrong, at least in how his Dad treated him day-to-day, he was "honorable" and good and so forth. Q did tons of good, and never got much recognition from his father. Of course on the rare times that Ninja did provoke an angry reaction from their Dad, he got beaten pretty harshly...like a handful of times over all the years, but still.
I did my best not to play favorites with the kids, I was just warm and affectionate to them both. I wasn't much for making threats or hitting them, but if I instigated a punishment, I would hold them to it. I'm all about what works, and what doesn't. "Do the dishes sometime this evening" does not work. "Do the dishes right now" works.
I provided most of their love, nurture, and care, as they were growing up. It's only recently, since the divorce, even with me housing them, being there for them, paying most of their expenses, and being the more involved parent...that they are now avoiding me and being...like this.
And like this, is like, their Dad told them that I go to sex parties and bang all the guys, and things like that, and Q has told me he can't look at me the same way anymore. I told him that stuff is not true, and to try to remember that their Dad is very hurt and bitter right now, and he trotted out what his Dad likes to say, which is, "Can you prove it isn't true?" Of course I can't prove I did not do this or that thing, and trying to talk about what I have done and haven't done to replace the lies with truth, only makes it worse because they don't want the TMI and I don't want to make them hear it, either. Old Wolf is also convinced I cheated on him, he's dissected his memories for any time I wasn't in his sight and filled them in with what he wants to believe I was doing, and since I cannot "prove" that his accusations are false, then he will go on believing they are true, which wouldn't bother me (after all, we're not married anymore, and I told him, I won't waste my time trying to keep his good opinion, I am well beyond caring) except that he goes on and tells the boys these things as though they're fact.
There is a phenomenon I read somewhere that narcissists will try and turn other people into their "flying monkeys" or agents to torment someone that they want to get to, in situations like this. And I feel very powerless because I really don't want to harm their relationship with their Father, and anything I say in my own defense just makes it all worse. And basically...if they've chosen to take his side, there just isn't anything I can do about that. Other than try to be above it, shut it down, and refuse to engage with regard to such things, best as I may.
But it's like Q, he can be so nice...but then sometimes he's a judgmental prick, not just towards me, but towards anyone. And he thinks that everyone is judging him constantly. You can give the most brief and neutral acknowledgment to something he's said, and he'll ask you what you meant and tell you that your tone was this or that. He's ridiculously sensitive and prickly sometimes. Objective right and wrong aren't as important as how people respond to him. (He's a Libra, and fairly spot on for what I know of them, which is to say he's too much like his father for my comfort sometimes, though I do everything I can to not compare them.)
Ninja on the other hand...he's generally pretty easy to get along with, but he's very concerned with right and wrong, with good and evil...he wants to talk politics all the time, complain about all the corruption in the world, and when he believes that his father, or I, have done something -wrong- his judgment is a stony, righteous thing. (He is much like most Aries I've ever known, they see themselves as warriors for good. And if you make the case that they have done wrong, it's enough to throw them into a self-destructive mindset. They NEED to be on the side of good, in their own minds.)
And both of the boys have pretty much reached the conclusion that once they get out on their own, they don't want to have much to do with either of their parents...but I can abide by that without TOO much hurt, knowing that once they are further into adulthood, that could change. Or not. Whatever. Like all parents, I can only do the best I can with the tools I have. Eventually you have to let the birds fly the nest and figure it out, and no matter what my Mother thinks about it, I look forward to living a life involving people I choose, who bring more positive energy, rather than those who stress me out...regardless of our ties of blood. If anything I've always rolled my eyes a little at my maternal Grandmother and my Mom, because like for instance, there was a son my Grandma put up for adoption in his infancy, and he and his wanted nothing to do with her. She was so hurt about this. "But we're blooooddddd...you're my bayyyyybeeeeee..." she would throw such pity parties over it all. And to a lesser degree, my Mom clings to what she can in terms of relationships with relatives, but she has taken great advantage of some of us, like being related means you're a resource to be tapped if she's got herself in a bind, and if you don't want to be that, then she'll throw down the guilt and recite a litany of everything she's done for you and how all she ever wanted, and how everyone has always screwed her over. I see a little of this mindset in myself sometimes, but I try to fight it. We've all got a bit of our parents in us after all.
But I don't feel so bound by ties of blood. How can I, when I got turned loose into the world at age 18, the moment I was out of high school? I won't be guilted by my relationships with anyone, not even my sons. Certainly I felt differently when they were younger, I was far more attached to them, but they are becoming men. And a man's got to make his way in the world. I am not all that interested in the notion that they'll "always be my little baby boys." I don't need that. They don't want that. Not everybody does that.
So anyways. Kind of a clusterfuck, but we're navigating it all as best we can. I don't know about this therapist. She's ok, I guess...I hope she doesn't bring her dog to all appointments, though. He's a big boxer, and he kept trying to put his front paws on our laps, and stand there with his face in our faces, and she wasn't making him stop. It was really annoying, and neither of us (me, Q) are really dog people. I'm not wild about how a dog owner would just assume I'd LOVE to have her dog's ugly, eye-boogery mug inches from my face while we're trying to talk. If you can't make him go lay down, don't bring him to work for god's sakes. I chose this group of therapists, mostly because they are in close proximity to our home and their hours will work in our schedules and they take my insurance...so actually affording and getting Q to these appointments will work out better than with others in town. But there's a good chance he'll be switching to a different professional in that group in time. This woman was just the one available RIGHT NOW...since he pushed the "urgent" button with his little crisis.
I did my best not to play favorites with the kids, I was just warm and affectionate to them both. I wasn't much for making threats or hitting them, but if I instigated a punishment, I would hold them to it. I'm all about what works, and what doesn't. "Do the dishes sometime this evening" does not work. "Do the dishes right now" works.
I provided most of their love, nurture, and care, as they were growing up. It's only recently, since the divorce, even with me housing them, being there for them, paying most of their expenses, and being the more involved parent...that they are now avoiding me and being...like this.
And like this, is like, their Dad told them that I go to sex parties and bang all the guys, and things like that, and Q has told me he can't look at me the same way anymore. I told him that stuff is not true, and to try to remember that their Dad is very hurt and bitter right now, and he trotted out what his Dad likes to say, which is, "Can you prove it isn't true?" Of course I can't prove I did not do this or that thing, and trying to talk about what I have done and haven't done to replace the lies with truth, only makes it worse because they don't want the TMI and I don't want to make them hear it, either. Old Wolf is also convinced I cheated on him, he's dissected his memories for any time I wasn't in his sight and filled them in with what he wants to believe I was doing, and since I cannot "prove" that his accusations are false, then he will go on believing they are true, which wouldn't bother me (after all, we're not married anymore, and I told him, I won't waste my time trying to keep his good opinion, I am well beyond caring) except that he goes on and tells the boys these things as though they're fact.
There is a phenomenon I read somewhere that narcissists will try and turn other people into their "flying monkeys" or agents to torment someone that they want to get to, in situations like this. And I feel very powerless because I really don't want to harm their relationship with their Father, and anything I say in my own defense just makes it all worse. And basically...if they've chosen to take his side, there just isn't anything I can do about that. Other than try to be above it, shut it down, and refuse to engage with regard to such things, best as I may.
But it's like Q, he can be so nice...but then sometimes he's a judgmental prick, not just towards me, but towards anyone. And he thinks that everyone is judging him constantly. You can give the most brief and neutral acknowledgment to something he's said, and he'll ask you what you meant and tell you that your tone was this or that. He's ridiculously sensitive and prickly sometimes. Objective right and wrong aren't as important as how people respond to him. (He's a Libra, and fairly spot on for what I know of them, which is to say he's too much like his father for my comfort sometimes, though I do everything I can to not compare them.)
Ninja on the other hand...he's generally pretty easy to get along with, but he's very concerned with right and wrong, with good and evil...he wants to talk politics all the time, complain about all the corruption in the world, and when he believes that his father, or I, have done something -wrong- his judgment is a stony, righteous thing. (He is much like most Aries I've ever known, they see themselves as warriors for good. And if you make the case that they have done wrong, it's enough to throw them into a self-destructive mindset. They NEED to be on the side of good, in their own minds.)
And both of the boys have pretty much reached the conclusion that once they get out on their own, they don't want to have much to do with either of their parents...but I can abide by that without TOO much hurt, knowing that once they are further into adulthood, that could change. Or not. Whatever. Like all parents, I can only do the best I can with the tools I have. Eventually you have to let the birds fly the nest and figure it out, and no matter what my Mother thinks about it, I look forward to living a life involving people I choose, who bring more positive energy, rather than those who stress me out...regardless of our ties of blood. If anything I've always rolled my eyes a little at my maternal Grandmother and my Mom, because like for instance, there was a son my Grandma put up for adoption in his infancy, and he and his wanted nothing to do with her. She was so hurt about this. "But we're blooooddddd...you're my bayyyyybeeeeee..." she would throw such pity parties over it all. And to a lesser degree, my Mom clings to what she can in terms of relationships with relatives, but she has taken great advantage of some of us, like being related means you're a resource to be tapped if she's got herself in a bind, and if you don't want to be that, then she'll throw down the guilt and recite a litany of everything she's done for you and how all she ever wanted, and how everyone has always screwed her over. I see a little of this mindset in myself sometimes, but I try to fight it. We've all got a bit of our parents in us after all.
But I don't feel so bound by ties of blood. How can I, when I got turned loose into the world at age 18, the moment I was out of high school? I won't be guilted by my relationships with anyone, not even my sons. Certainly I felt differently when they were younger, I was far more attached to them, but they are becoming men. And a man's got to make his way in the world. I am not all that interested in the notion that they'll "always be my little baby boys." I don't need that. They don't want that. Not everybody does that.
So anyways. Kind of a clusterfuck, but we're navigating it all as best we can. I don't know about this therapist. She's ok, I guess...I hope she doesn't bring her dog to all appointments, though. He's a big boxer, and he kept trying to put his front paws on our laps, and stand there with his face in our faces, and she wasn't making him stop. It was really annoying, and neither of us (me, Q) are really dog people. I'm not wild about how a dog owner would just assume I'd LOVE to have her dog's ugly, eye-boogery mug inches from my face while we're trying to talk. If you can't make him go lay down, don't bring him to work for god's sakes. I chose this group of therapists, mostly because they are in close proximity to our home and their hours will work in our schedules and they take my insurance...so actually affording and getting Q to these appointments will work out better than with others in town. But there's a good chance he'll be switching to a different professional in that group in time. This woman was just the one available RIGHT NOW...since he pushed the "urgent" button with his little crisis.
Spork
Active member
So my mother sent me an email today with a link to a story about a teen who recently committed suicide in the town where I grew up. She said it "may give me some insight on what I may be dealing with" with Q, and said it really touched her because she was a child who dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts.
This kid was a teenager who had a period of attempts, a family history with his brother being violent and jailed before, and the kid basically threatened people with a crowbar (and struck one) in order to get cops to shoot him. He went to a special school full of kids with mental health problems, and was surrounded by self-harmers.
Apparently my mother does not believe that I'm displaying the appropriate amount of drama and hysteria about this situation, and therefore I don't care or something. And "he's just like this!" (no, he's not) "it's just like me!" (no, it's not.) All that is really frustrating and annoying. Q is Q. His issues are his issues.
I've also known tons of people who have used threats of suicide in order to get others to do what they wanted. Heck, there's been a Southpark storyline about it, where Cartman keeps telling his girlfriend she can't break up with him because he'll kill himself. Now, I am not prepared to say that Q is JUST like his Dad, or JUST like anyone. I'm trying very hard to avoid any kind of projection, and to simply handle him as himself.
But my point is, it's a very fine line to walk. On the one hand, yes, I need to take him seriously enough to get him some help and be involved in processes and plans to try and nudge him toward better mental health. Certainly. On the other hand, if I were to drop literally everything else but him, focus all of my attention on my poor little baby boy, and give him everything he wants right now, that is sending the message that "The way you get people to do what you want, is to manipulate them with threats of suicide." He'll go on and do that to others in his life as an adult, and I damn sure don't want my son to be that guy.
Honestly, if he had a girlfriend one day and pulled that crap, I'd rather see her leave him and him attempt suicide, than see her guilted and manipulated into staying in what I consider to be an emotionally abusive relationship, no matter the fact that it's with my son. And between seeing what went on between his father and me, and however I choose to handle what is going on with him right now, this is all modeling for "how to interact with human beings"...it's programming code into his mind. I have to be very careful.
Sitting on him like a hen with an egg isn't helpful, neither are whatever hysterics my mother seems to believe I should be having right now, and neither is projecting other people's stuff onto him. Like I can't commit to a course of, "he's just being manipulative" nor can I commit to a course of wrapping him in bubble wrap and putting him in a padded room. I have to keep a certain balanced approach.
Frankly, I think that addressing the problems he's got is more important than simply preventing him from thinking of, talking about, or acting on suicide threats. So, what are his problems?
1. His brother. His brother's presence in the household stresses him out. A friend and I talked about Job Corps last night, and I'm considering that, maybe, for Ninja. We had a plan for him, but it's moving way too slow. I need Ninja out of my home, I adore the boy, but his living there isn't doing anyone much good.
2. Giving him options for taking control of his life. Same convo with same friend, she told me that she got one of her kids who was struggling and being bullied in school, to drop out and take the GED at age 17. Q wants to get a job and be an independent adult so bad, and he feels really crushed under the requirements of high school. He's got some friends, but also he's got some social problems, too. He turns 17 in September. It might not be a bad idea to consider this, and I mean to discuss it with him.
3. Getting him off his computer and into the real world. This will be hard. He loves gaming. But I'm fairly convinced that isolating himself in his room and staring at a screen all the time, isn't mentally healthy for him. If getting him out of that chair and interacting with life requires me to give up some of my Voodoo time, or even my Zen time, that is a sacrifice I might have to make for a while. Not that I need to devote all of my free time to Q, but probably more of it than I've been doing. He will have his weekly counseling sessions, for one thing, and we're considering the viola lessons, too...though I don't know if I can afford it, with the additional cost of the counseling now in place. I mean, we're talking $20/week for counseling, and anywhere from about $90-$140 depending on frequency of classes, for the viola lessons, and my budget is kind of tight already. I'm concerned. But at least we've made it through Christmas...
This kid was a teenager who had a period of attempts, a family history with his brother being violent and jailed before, and the kid basically threatened people with a crowbar (and struck one) in order to get cops to shoot him. He went to a special school full of kids with mental health problems, and was surrounded by self-harmers.
Apparently my mother does not believe that I'm displaying the appropriate amount of drama and hysteria about this situation, and therefore I don't care or something. And "he's just like this!" (no, he's not) "it's just like me!" (no, it's not.) All that is really frustrating and annoying. Q is Q. His issues are his issues.
I've also known tons of people who have used threats of suicide in order to get others to do what they wanted. Heck, there's been a Southpark storyline about it, where Cartman keeps telling his girlfriend she can't break up with him because he'll kill himself. Now, I am not prepared to say that Q is JUST like his Dad, or JUST like anyone. I'm trying very hard to avoid any kind of projection, and to simply handle him as himself.
But my point is, it's a very fine line to walk. On the one hand, yes, I need to take him seriously enough to get him some help and be involved in processes and plans to try and nudge him toward better mental health. Certainly. On the other hand, if I were to drop literally everything else but him, focus all of my attention on my poor little baby boy, and give him everything he wants right now, that is sending the message that "The way you get people to do what you want, is to manipulate them with threats of suicide." He'll go on and do that to others in his life as an adult, and I damn sure don't want my son to be that guy.
Honestly, if he had a girlfriend one day and pulled that crap, I'd rather see her leave him and him attempt suicide, than see her guilted and manipulated into staying in what I consider to be an emotionally abusive relationship, no matter the fact that it's with my son. And between seeing what went on between his father and me, and however I choose to handle what is going on with him right now, this is all modeling for "how to interact with human beings"...it's programming code into his mind. I have to be very careful.
Sitting on him like a hen with an egg isn't helpful, neither are whatever hysterics my mother seems to believe I should be having right now, and neither is projecting other people's stuff onto him. Like I can't commit to a course of, "he's just being manipulative" nor can I commit to a course of wrapping him in bubble wrap and putting him in a padded room. I have to keep a certain balanced approach.
Frankly, I think that addressing the problems he's got is more important than simply preventing him from thinking of, talking about, or acting on suicide threats. So, what are his problems?
1. His brother. His brother's presence in the household stresses him out. A friend and I talked about Job Corps last night, and I'm considering that, maybe, for Ninja. We had a plan for him, but it's moving way too slow. I need Ninja out of my home, I adore the boy, but his living there isn't doing anyone much good.
2. Giving him options for taking control of his life. Same convo with same friend, she told me that she got one of her kids who was struggling and being bullied in school, to drop out and take the GED at age 17. Q wants to get a job and be an independent adult so bad, and he feels really crushed under the requirements of high school. He's got some friends, but also he's got some social problems, too. He turns 17 in September. It might not be a bad idea to consider this, and I mean to discuss it with him.
3. Getting him off his computer and into the real world. This will be hard. He loves gaming. But I'm fairly convinced that isolating himself in his room and staring at a screen all the time, isn't mentally healthy for him. If getting him out of that chair and interacting with life requires me to give up some of my Voodoo time, or even my Zen time, that is a sacrifice I might have to make for a while. Not that I need to devote all of my free time to Q, but probably more of it than I've been doing. He will have his weekly counseling sessions, for one thing, and we're considering the viola lessons, too...though I don't know if I can afford it, with the additional cost of the counseling now in place. I mean, we're talking $20/week for counseling, and anywhere from about $90-$140 depending on frequency of classes, for the viola lessons, and my budget is kind of tight already. I'm concerned. But at least we've made it through Christmas...
Spork
Active member
Great weekend!
Thursday night, Zen and I went up to a lodge in the mountains that we were invited to by a community friend who is a lawyer and got a deal with a client of his to have some time in this place. It was a very luxurious, big, fancy property up in the mountains. He has it for 8 days, but invited a number of us to come up for whatever time we could. We stayed only through Saturday afternoon. Zen had to work on Sunday after all, and I also didn't want to be away from the boys for too long. Their Dad agreed to be available to them in case of any emergency, and I planned and prepared so that they would be fine and the cat would be fed and everything. So we were able to relax, and all was well at home. Well except for Saturday when the boys went to gaming with their Dad (there is a weekly D&D game they go to, that gives them a chance every weekend to spend time with their father and family friends) and apparently the boys and Old Wolf got into a stupid argument over a misunderstanding, and the way that Q described it to me sounded like something right out of that horrid show, "Three's Company"...
Otherwise though. Zen and I had a wonderful time. This place we were at, it sleeps 23, it's huge, there was a big hot tub outside and a fire pit. And since it was kinksters up there, we did a sort of play party Friday night in the big dining hall room. So I'd decided to haul my fire kit up there, even though I'm not that confident in topping for fire, I thought maybe someone would be there who might want to use my stuff and was less nervous about it than me. Ha! I told people I had it, and the word was, "And <Spork> is going to do fire..." so I was like, well...I guess <Spork> is going to do fire! I'm comfortable using the mousse, and doing a sort of human campfire with wet towels (the fire is on the towel, not the human) and a bit of flash cotton. I was a little nervous about fleshing, which is a technique involving alcohol soaked wands, where you sort of paint on a bit of 70% isopropyl alcohol and then light it, and then quickly blow it out or wipe it with your hand to make sure it's not lit long enough to burn your human. It's the alcohol on skin kind of play that I was unsure of, because I know how easy it is to burn someone if you don't get it out quick enough really. So while some friends did a scene that was the focus of the room (we only really did one scene at a time, which is different from most play parties, but it was fun and it worked in the space with the group we had)... While others were otherwise occupied, I took off my pants, and sat myself down, and practiced my fleshing technique on my thighs. I had two wands in my right hand, separated by two fingers, one just alcohol, one on fire, and I laid down the trail of alcohol with one, bounced the lit one to light my leg on fire, then wiped with my free hand. And it was going so easily that I was like hey...I can do this.
Also, we'd had a red flag warning that day (fire danger, due to dry and windy conditions) so we couldn't have a fire out in the firepit, and we wanted marshmallows. So I'd already agreed to do a human campfire. And this wonderful woman who was visiting us from Tennessee, was willing to bottom for my novice ass. So we did the campfire thing first, and had our marshmallows. Then I went ahead and did the fleshing, and the mousse. To finish off, I had her on her back, and put little puffs of flash cotton on her nipnoops and had her boyfriend take a wand and I had one, and we lit 'em off simultaneously. Foosh! She yelped, which is the typical response. It's startling more than anything. Well, she said I did a great job, and I feel I had my safety well in hand, and everything seemed to go awesomely. The next day she said she was in love with me (she was kidding. I think.) lol So the only critique from anywhere, was that Zen felt that my fuel cup and my candle (which was in a jar, about 5 inches away and I had a wet hand towel in between the two) were possibly placed in such a way that she might have kicked them off the table together if her foot had moved just so, and it made him a bit nervous. I understand where he's coming from, but I wonder too if it might have been the angle he was watching from. I don't feel like we were in danger of that happening. But I've taken a mental note of it. Unlike Supernova, I haven't been doing this long enough to have my placement of the stuff I need on habit-lock just yet. Those things need to be near to hand, since they're used more or less constantly, but on a stable surface in no peril of being knocked onto the floor. It seemed at the time like I was in good shape (from where I stood) but it's something I'll be thinking about next time I set up.
Anyhow long story short, I'm hugely proud of myself for overcoming my wavery, hesitant, inner shyness about topping, and actually doing fire for the first time all by myself. And I am excited to contemplate doing more of it in the near future. I've been playing with fire in one way or another since I was a little kid, and I've always been safety conscious, I feel like this is a pretty natural step for me to take. I also am seriously considering building up a collection of candles and supplies to do wax play, since we only have one guy at the club who regularly does that. I'd like to work on skills to service top for things that we don't have a ton of tops doing at most of our parties. We do have a few fire tops, but out of those...I trust Supernova, but he's not around all the time, his mentor is currently not in the scene much and I think she's moving, but I don't know where...this one fairy woman I adore is completely out of the scene, she's really good but no one has seen her for a couple years now...there's one guy who is just boring, in his style and technique, though I imagine it's nice to be on his table...and there's a couple of 'em I just don't really trust at all (I find their techniques questionable and they don't seem to take criticism well, and they have a record of safety problem incidents.) So we have a handful of 'em around, but half are absent and the other half, not that awesome in my opinion.
Not that I'd consider myself an awesome fire top, but I could shoot for it. And I believe I've learned from one of the best. I would like my style to be something like the fairy woman's... When I say, "service top" most in my community would think of people who are normally Dominant-ish, top types...but there are people who are more submissive who turn topping into an art of service. This fairy lady is one of them. She incorporates a lot of massage, sensation and such into it. Like the last thing she would do, is fire cupping, and when her subject is lying there covered in cups, she'd oil up and massage their arms or legs or whatever. Give them a really lovely experience. I'd like to be doing something like that.
OK so this post was mostly me getting all enthusiastic and verbose about the whole fire topping thing, I'll write another one for the rest of my weekend activities...
Thursday night, Zen and I went up to a lodge in the mountains that we were invited to by a community friend who is a lawyer and got a deal with a client of his to have some time in this place. It was a very luxurious, big, fancy property up in the mountains. He has it for 8 days, but invited a number of us to come up for whatever time we could. We stayed only through Saturday afternoon. Zen had to work on Sunday after all, and I also didn't want to be away from the boys for too long. Their Dad agreed to be available to them in case of any emergency, and I planned and prepared so that they would be fine and the cat would be fed and everything. So we were able to relax, and all was well at home. Well except for Saturday when the boys went to gaming with their Dad (there is a weekly D&D game they go to, that gives them a chance every weekend to spend time with their father and family friends) and apparently the boys and Old Wolf got into a stupid argument over a misunderstanding, and the way that Q described it to me sounded like something right out of that horrid show, "Three's Company"...
Otherwise though. Zen and I had a wonderful time. This place we were at, it sleeps 23, it's huge, there was a big hot tub outside and a fire pit. And since it was kinksters up there, we did a sort of play party Friday night in the big dining hall room. So I'd decided to haul my fire kit up there, even though I'm not that confident in topping for fire, I thought maybe someone would be there who might want to use my stuff and was less nervous about it than me. Ha! I told people I had it, and the word was, "And <Spork> is going to do fire..." so I was like, well...I guess <Spork> is going to do fire! I'm comfortable using the mousse, and doing a sort of human campfire with wet towels (the fire is on the towel, not the human) and a bit of flash cotton. I was a little nervous about fleshing, which is a technique involving alcohol soaked wands, where you sort of paint on a bit of 70% isopropyl alcohol and then light it, and then quickly blow it out or wipe it with your hand to make sure it's not lit long enough to burn your human. It's the alcohol on skin kind of play that I was unsure of, because I know how easy it is to burn someone if you don't get it out quick enough really. So while some friends did a scene that was the focus of the room (we only really did one scene at a time, which is different from most play parties, but it was fun and it worked in the space with the group we had)... While others were otherwise occupied, I took off my pants, and sat myself down, and practiced my fleshing technique on my thighs. I had two wands in my right hand, separated by two fingers, one just alcohol, one on fire, and I laid down the trail of alcohol with one, bounced the lit one to light my leg on fire, then wiped with my free hand. And it was going so easily that I was like hey...I can do this.
Also, we'd had a red flag warning that day (fire danger, due to dry and windy conditions) so we couldn't have a fire out in the firepit, and we wanted marshmallows. So I'd already agreed to do a human campfire. And this wonderful woman who was visiting us from Tennessee, was willing to bottom for my novice ass. So we did the campfire thing first, and had our marshmallows. Then I went ahead and did the fleshing, and the mousse. To finish off, I had her on her back, and put little puffs of flash cotton on her nipnoops and had her boyfriend take a wand and I had one, and we lit 'em off simultaneously. Foosh! She yelped, which is the typical response. It's startling more than anything. Well, she said I did a great job, and I feel I had my safety well in hand, and everything seemed to go awesomely. The next day she said she was in love with me (she was kidding. I think.) lol So the only critique from anywhere, was that Zen felt that my fuel cup and my candle (which was in a jar, about 5 inches away and I had a wet hand towel in between the two) were possibly placed in such a way that she might have kicked them off the table together if her foot had moved just so, and it made him a bit nervous. I understand where he's coming from, but I wonder too if it might have been the angle he was watching from. I don't feel like we were in danger of that happening. But I've taken a mental note of it. Unlike Supernova, I haven't been doing this long enough to have my placement of the stuff I need on habit-lock just yet. Those things need to be near to hand, since they're used more or less constantly, but on a stable surface in no peril of being knocked onto the floor. It seemed at the time like I was in good shape (from where I stood) but it's something I'll be thinking about next time I set up.
Anyhow long story short, I'm hugely proud of myself for overcoming my wavery, hesitant, inner shyness about topping, and actually doing fire for the first time all by myself. And I am excited to contemplate doing more of it in the near future. I've been playing with fire in one way or another since I was a little kid, and I've always been safety conscious, I feel like this is a pretty natural step for me to take. I also am seriously considering building up a collection of candles and supplies to do wax play, since we only have one guy at the club who regularly does that. I'd like to work on skills to service top for things that we don't have a ton of tops doing at most of our parties. We do have a few fire tops, but out of those...I trust Supernova, but he's not around all the time, his mentor is currently not in the scene much and I think she's moving, but I don't know where...this one fairy woman I adore is completely out of the scene, she's really good but no one has seen her for a couple years now...there's one guy who is just boring, in his style and technique, though I imagine it's nice to be on his table...and there's a couple of 'em I just don't really trust at all (I find their techniques questionable and they don't seem to take criticism well, and they have a record of safety problem incidents.) So we have a handful of 'em around, but half are absent and the other half, not that awesome in my opinion.
Not that I'd consider myself an awesome fire top, but I could shoot for it. And I believe I've learned from one of the best. I would like my style to be something like the fairy woman's... When I say, "service top" most in my community would think of people who are normally Dominant-ish, top types...but there are people who are more submissive who turn topping into an art of service. This fairy lady is one of them. She incorporates a lot of massage, sensation and such into it. Like the last thing she would do, is fire cupping, and when her subject is lying there covered in cups, she'd oil up and massage their arms or legs or whatever. Give them a really lovely experience. I'd like to be doing something like that.
OK so this post was mostly me getting all enthusiastic and verbose about the whole fire topping thing, I'll write another one for the rest of my weekend activities...
Spork
Active member
So the lodge was amazing. We sat in the hot tub, we eventually got to have a fire out in the fire pit on Saturday, and the food and the company was excellent. Zen and I closed out the "play party" Friday night with an impact scene, and I'm told I was making some really nice noises. I still have marks from the dragon tail.
Then on Sunday, I costumed up as an angel for the "Angels & Demons" themed NYE party at Voodoo. I normally go demon, so I wanted to do something different. I even got a silvery white wig and everything. There were photos...I hope they turned out good, but the photographer hasn't shared them yet. The only play I got up to was this one guy set up 3 Sybian type machines and I rode one of those while Zen ran the controls. That was a lot of fun. It was a heck of a crowded party, I think there must have been over 100 people there. Lots of cool costumes.
Then yesterday I went down and helped out a little with cleanup at the club. Mostly I worked on the sweeping and mopping, and it's a pretty big floor so I felt like I got a workout. Then I had Fire, Hefe, and another friend of ours over for taco dinner last night. I've been vaguely meaning and wanting to have visitors ever since we moved, back in September, so thank goodness we finally made that happen! Fire is going out of town on family business later this month and we don't know how long she'll be gone, so I was extremely glad we got her over before that happened. Unfortunately, Fire and Hefe live in a different segment of town, and the odd thing is...even though it's maybe a 15 minute drive from their house to mine, it feels like I am "way up north" and having that concept in mind makes it feel like it's a hassle for people to visit sometimes. It's like that in Colorado Springs, there's this odd mentality that if you're in a different general area of the city, you're like on the moon or something. You're "way over there." Even though you're actually not that far off.
And I could see that in fact, it's best if I only invite 2-3 people over at a time, because my place is pretty cozy. It's just the way we have the furniture arranged. It'll feel slightly more open once the Christmas tree is out of there, but still...the way I had to set up to accommodate the furnishings we have, there's just not room to entertain a huge group. Still, I'd like to have a few people come over more often, and I'm feeling twinges of irritation at myself for a couple people who should have gotten an invite for last night, and I don't know why I didn't make sure they did. It's all good though, there will be other opportunities.
The theme in my mind for the new year, as the old one ended, is "those things you keep saying you need/want to do, but you're holding yourself back for non-reasons that don't matter...just go ahead and start DOING those things. K?"
And I talked to Ninja about Job Corps and he actually says he thinks it's a good idea, so I'm going to be writing down some questions I have about the logistics of the program, how it works, and we very well may do that fairly soon. While I'm thrilled with the notion of getting him out of my house and on his way in learning a trade and all...I sigh a little at the fact that he won't be moving his STUFF out of my home, necessarily. I'll still be storing it. I'd hoped that when he moved out, it would be into his own PLACE where he could take his things with him. Still, with him not actually living there, I can fold up the table he's using and deflate the air mattress he's using, pack up his stuff more efficiently, make some room in there. Thing was, I was hoping that Zen and I could maybe both empty our storage units into his room, and eliminate that expense. Now...I don't really think that will be practical. But worth considering though, we also still have a lot of stuff in the garage, and that is mostly Zen's stuff. And the garage was to be for Zen to park in, but there is like a ton of stuff in there right now. I could get what little is mine in there removed in no time, but he's got stuff stacked along walls he's got to make some decisions about... It may come to a choice for him, to either dedicate the garage to storage, and empty his storage unit into it to save money, or to dedicate the garage to parking, and empty what is left in the garage into his storage unit and just keep it a while. Meanwhile I could probably get my storage stuff stacked into Ninja's old room...and if I do it efficiently enough have space for at least some of Zen's things... But I just don't see eliminating BOTH storage units, unless we give up on him using the garage to park in, until such time as Q moves out. That's another 2 1/2 years, maybe.
Just sort of shuffling life around in my brain.
So anyhow it was a really fantastic long weekend and a great way to start the new year.
Then on Sunday, I costumed up as an angel for the "Angels & Demons" themed NYE party at Voodoo. I normally go demon, so I wanted to do something different. I even got a silvery white wig and everything. There were photos...I hope they turned out good, but the photographer hasn't shared them yet. The only play I got up to was this one guy set up 3 Sybian type machines and I rode one of those while Zen ran the controls. That was a lot of fun. It was a heck of a crowded party, I think there must have been over 100 people there. Lots of cool costumes.
Then yesterday I went down and helped out a little with cleanup at the club. Mostly I worked on the sweeping and mopping, and it's a pretty big floor so I felt like I got a workout. Then I had Fire, Hefe, and another friend of ours over for taco dinner last night. I've been vaguely meaning and wanting to have visitors ever since we moved, back in September, so thank goodness we finally made that happen! Fire is going out of town on family business later this month and we don't know how long she'll be gone, so I was extremely glad we got her over before that happened. Unfortunately, Fire and Hefe live in a different segment of town, and the odd thing is...even though it's maybe a 15 minute drive from their house to mine, it feels like I am "way up north" and having that concept in mind makes it feel like it's a hassle for people to visit sometimes. It's like that in Colorado Springs, there's this odd mentality that if you're in a different general area of the city, you're like on the moon or something. You're "way over there." Even though you're actually not that far off.
And I could see that in fact, it's best if I only invite 2-3 people over at a time, because my place is pretty cozy. It's just the way we have the furniture arranged. It'll feel slightly more open once the Christmas tree is out of there, but still...the way I had to set up to accommodate the furnishings we have, there's just not room to entertain a huge group. Still, I'd like to have a few people come over more often, and I'm feeling twinges of irritation at myself for a couple people who should have gotten an invite for last night, and I don't know why I didn't make sure they did. It's all good though, there will be other opportunities.
The theme in my mind for the new year, as the old one ended, is "those things you keep saying you need/want to do, but you're holding yourself back for non-reasons that don't matter...just go ahead and start DOING those things. K?"
And I talked to Ninja about Job Corps and he actually says he thinks it's a good idea, so I'm going to be writing down some questions I have about the logistics of the program, how it works, and we very well may do that fairly soon. While I'm thrilled with the notion of getting him out of my house and on his way in learning a trade and all...I sigh a little at the fact that he won't be moving his STUFF out of my home, necessarily. I'll still be storing it. I'd hoped that when he moved out, it would be into his own PLACE where he could take his things with him. Still, with him not actually living there, I can fold up the table he's using and deflate the air mattress he's using, pack up his stuff more efficiently, make some room in there. Thing was, I was hoping that Zen and I could maybe both empty our storage units into his room, and eliminate that expense. Now...I don't really think that will be practical. But worth considering though, we also still have a lot of stuff in the garage, and that is mostly Zen's stuff. And the garage was to be for Zen to park in, but there is like a ton of stuff in there right now. I could get what little is mine in there removed in no time, but he's got stuff stacked along walls he's got to make some decisions about... It may come to a choice for him, to either dedicate the garage to storage, and empty his storage unit into it to save money, or to dedicate the garage to parking, and empty what is left in the garage into his storage unit and just keep it a while. Meanwhile I could probably get my storage stuff stacked into Ninja's old room...and if I do it efficiently enough have space for at least some of Zen's things... But I just don't see eliminating BOTH storage units, unless we give up on him using the garage to park in, until such time as Q moves out. That's another 2 1/2 years, maybe.
Just sort of shuffling life around in my brain.
So anyhow it was a really fantastic long weekend and a great way to start the new year.
Spork
Active member
I posted some photos of my living area that I decorated, into an album here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=1049
Can you guys let me know if you are able to see these or not, please? Thanks!
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=1049
Can you guys let me know if you are able to see these or not, please? Thanks!
Reverie
Active member
I posted some photos of my living area that I decorated, into an album here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=1049
Can you guys let me know if you are able to see these or not, please? Thanks!
I see them! And I like!
Spork
Active member
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Your place looks awesome and I love the cat tree/house thing! He looks so comfy up there
Spork
Active member
Thank you!
I love the way I've been able to sort of fuse some of Zen's decorating with my own. It really makes the place feel like home, to me.
Also, I am glad someone spotted Nimbus in his cat tree! He loves that top perch, he likes to sort of lurk in there, peeking over the rim of it at us. I always try to keep it near a window, and he's got the curtain pulled aside just a little so he can look outside. I used to have it over where the Christmas tree is now, but he seems to like it where it is...maybe I'll leave it there and rearrange other stuff into that corner. I don't know yet for sure.
So Q had his counseling last night, and I'm thinking we're going to change tactics. He didn't want to go...he doesn't want counseling or meds...but I've told him that when you play the suicide card, things will happen. He needed to understand that. But last night, and the other time we went, he went into it sullen and miserable, he said some really dark and almost cruel things, and he left in a bad mood. It seemed bring him into a bad place, more than it helped. But I think what he needs more right now, than counseling, is a male role model who is healthier than his Dad, but not connected in any way to his family situation. He wants viola lessons, and I can't (due to time and money conflicts) do both that and counseling at the same time. I really think that the viola lessons will help him more. He needs to "get out of his head" so to speak, and connect with real people who put good energy into his life.
Zen was worried that since everything that has happened, we're in some way flagged with some authority and if I don't follow through with continued therapy and all, then someone (police, or CPS or someone) will come for us, perhaps take Q out of the home or even try to jail me for neglect or...SOMETHING. I don't believe that is the case. The school referred us to evaluation at the crisis center, they determined that this is not actually a crisis, not the kind of situation where he's making plans or likely to act, and they let him go. He is not a threat to anyone else, and whether he is a threat to himself is questionable. He's definitely going through some tough things, but how much is being a moody teenager and the child of divorce with all the drama that entails...and how much is true clinical mental illness... I'm not sure. But I sincerely believe I'm doing the right thing in trying to find positive things he will accept, rather than dragging him to professionals he is resisting and doesn't want to talk to.
I really wonder how much of the mental health problems with today's teenagers is related to how isolated they are, spending so much time on their computers and all. Humans need to interact with other humans, form healthy bonds and relationships. I feel like there are just tons of teens and young adults who aren't even learning how to do that. So my task, along with getting his brother out of the house, is trying to engage Q with the real world in positive ways if I can.
I have to accept that all of this is only my problem to a point, though. It's hard, because he is my son, and there is the impulse to view one's minor children as extensions of oneself, and be completely responsible for their thought processes and behaviors. But as a kid becomes an adult, there is a process of change that has to happen, because we know as adults, that we cannot force other adults to change their mindsets when they've dug in their heels. And when it comes to difficult personalities, I don't know how to tell someone that what they're doing is maladaptive, in any way they're going to accept. Like for instance, something I noticed last night...Q was upset because my friends were over the other night and he didn't realize it until he wandered downstairs and there were people in the living room. I thought his brother had let him know, but I guess not. He takes that one moment of discomfort, and paints it all over everything. Suddenly I'm forcing my friends, my weirdness, my lifestyle, my whole <not a wholesome Mom who loves his Dad, breaker of the family> THING...all of this STUFF he has rejected and he's angry about...on him. He's just suddenly all worked up because of this moment that triggered him. And I say, "Well, you've met these people, you liked them well enough before, when we spent time together on Thanksgiving!" and he's shaking his head no, and I'm like, "You had fun, though!" and he's saying no he didn't, but I know he did. Like I remember clearly towards the end of that evening he had a good time, and when we left he even admitted that he did. But because RIGHT NOW, in THIS moment, he's upset and triggered, he's decided to modify his memories into it being this horrible time he had to endure and full of discomfort he actually didn't feel then, but he does now.
It's like whatever he feels in the present moment, is splashed all over everything in his head. It's all that matters. There is no accuracy to his memories or perception of a possible future, beyond it. If he's wanting to feel sorry for himself, he'll modify his memories to serve the agenda of that mental state, if that means remembering a good time as a bad time, or a bad time as a good time, he can do that. He often acts like previous times in his life were so much more wonderful than whatever he's living now and he's miserable over what he's lost. But he's been doing that for years!
And the obvious answer is, "mental health issue, proceed to therapy" but just talking to someone he doesn't like or connect with...and having to be forced to do it like pulling teeth...I don't see where that helps. Sometimes it even facilitates more negative head-stuff because it's like he's involving himself with negative crap in his mind, not exploring positive stuff.
So Zen and I talked last night, he's really trying to help and be there for me, and I truly and deeply appreciate it. We had a talk about anger, because I'd say I do have quite a bit of repressed anger...but I don't know how to let myself feel it, as he says I should. I don't know what to do with anger. It's probably the one feeling that I push away the most. It's like I'm feeling things that make me a bad person. Like...I'm dodging personal responsibility for the situation I'm in, being angry at other people. Anger leads to destructive behaviors, and words that damage relationships and can't be taken back. I've never felt safe indulging in that...except when I was a teenager, and found a way to go smash cheap thrift store bric-a-brac against a concrete culvert in the woods. But even that, I look back, and I was littering an already littered area with more broken glass and junk, and as a responsible adult, I can't think of any place I'd feel ok doing that now. So doing physical things to release anger...that isn't ok. Zen gave me a pillow and plastic baseball bat I could theoretically release some of the violent energy with, but the problem with that is, I feel like I need to actually create a result, or I feel like just a cute little harmless thing stamping cute little feet impotently and it makes me feel even worse. I hate the feeling of being so powerless, and that's what it comes to...I cannot do anything righteous with any of these feelings. I can't get in a fight or... Anything. I don't want to throw a cute but pointless little tantrum.
If I could afford it, martial arts classes, just for the exercise, would be a good solution. I wish I could go chop firewood, or do something physical that is actually productive. I just don't want to engage in any sort of outburst that produces no discernible result. That makes me feel like my feelings don't matter, change nothing, do nothing. Maybe I should get some jogging shoes and go do that. Not that I can afford jogging shoes right now.
It's just a lot easier to control and repress anger and not indulge in it. And for me, anger turns too easily into sadness and despair. I also wonder how much of what Zen is saying is a male perspective. I think that men often turn troubling emotions into anger, because anger is the more socially sanctioned emotion for men to express. I have had Old Wolf tell me that he turns any emotion he feels into anger. Zen tells me I need to express anger. I don't feel like I want anything to do with anger. Maybe it is just men speaking, and anger isn't what I need. Or maybe Zen feels unexpressed anger on my behalf, himself. I don't even know.
The other thing about me, and anger, is that it is acknowledging that whole impulse that I want to push away the people who hurt me, even my sons sometimes. I do everything in my power not to let them see that. On the bright side, Q is in a raging hurry to get away from me, and I feel like even if he doesn't finish high school, he's going to be in a rush to get out of my home as soon as he can. I've been making him aware of GED options, and even Job Corps, if he's still lacking anything of his GED or needs driver training or something, that's one way to get it done. And he turns 18 in just 1.74 years, after all.
That's the only thing that comforts me, is that all of the dark stuff...it is temporary. No matter what my mother or anyone else says, I don't have to pay, for the rest of my life. I'll be free to put my energy into people and connections that contribute to my happiness. I wanted to take Q with me. But if he wants to wallow in darkness like his father does, I'll keep trying to shine light into his life for a time, but I don't have to be dragged back into the tar pit, I'm not a bad person for refusing to suffer for him or anyone.
I love the way I've been able to sort of fuse some of Zen's decorating with my own. It really makes the place feel like home, to me.
Also, I am glad someone spotted Nimbus in his cat tree! He loves that top perch, he likes to sort of lurk in there, peeking over the rim of it at us. I always try to keep it near a window, and he's got the curtain pulled aside just a little so he can look outside. I used to have it over where the Christmas tree is now, but he seems to like it where it is...maybe I'll leave it there and rearrange other stuff into that corner. I don't know yet for sure.
So Q had his counseling last night, and I'm thinking we're going to change tactics. He didn't want to go...he doesn't want counseling or meds...but I've told him that when you play the suicide card, things will happen. He needed to understand that. But last night, and the other time we went, he went into it sullen and miserable, he said some really dark and almost cruel things, and he left in a bad mood. It seemed bring him into a bad place, more than it helped. But I think what he needs more right now, than counseling, is a male role model who is healthier than his Dad, but not connected in any way to his family situation. He wants viola lessons, and I can't (due to time and money conflicts) do both that and counseling at the same time. I really think that the viola lessons will help him more. He needs to "get out of his head" so to speak, and connect with real people who put good energy into his life.
Zen was worried that since everything that has happened, we're in some way flagged with some authority and if I don't follow through with continued therapy and all, then someone (police, or CPS or someone) will come for us, perhaps take Q out of the home or even try to jail me for neglect or...SOMETHING. I don't believe that is the case. The school referred us to evaluation at the crisis center, they determined that this is not actually a crisis, not the kind of situation where he's making plans or likely to act, and they let him go. He is not a threat to anyone else, and whether he is a threat to himself is questionable. He's definitely going through some tough things, but how much is being a moody teenager and the child of divorce with all the drama that entails...and how much is true clinical mental illness... I'm not sure. But I sincerely believe I'm doing the right thing in trying to find positive things he will accept, rather than dragging him to professionals he is resisting and doesn't want to talk to.
I really wonder how much of the mental health problems with today's teenagers is related to how isolated they are, spending so much time on their computers and all. Humans need to interact with other humans, form healthy bonds and relationships. I feel like there are just tons of teens and young adults who aren't even learning how to do that. So my task, along with getting his brother out of the house, is trying to engage Q with the real world in positive ways if I can.
I have to accept that all of this is only my problem to a point, though. It's hard, because he is my son, and there is the impulse to view one's minor children as extensions of oneself, and be completely responsible for their thought processes and behaviors. But as a kid becomes an adult, there is a process of change that has to happen, because we know as adults, that we cannot force other adults to change their mindsets when they've dug in their heels. And when it comes to difficult personalities, I don't know how to tell someone that what they're doing is maladaptive, in any way they're going to accept. Like for instance, something I noticed last night...Q was upset because my friends were over the other night and he didn't realize it until he wandered downstairs and there were people in the living room. I thought his brother had let him know, but I guess not. He takes that one moment of discomfort, and paints it all over everything. Suddenly I'm forcing my friends, my weirdness, my lifestyle, my whole <not a wholesome Mom who loves his Dad, breaker of the family> THING...all of this STUFF he has rejected and he's angry about...on him. He's just suddenly all worked up because of this moment that triggered him. And I say, "Well, you've met these people, you liked them well enough before, when we spent time together on Thanksgiving!" and he's shaking his head no, and I'm like, "You had fun, though!" and he's saying no he didn't, but I know he did. Like I remember clearly towards the end of that evening he had a good time, and when we left he even admitted that he did. But because RIGHT NOW, in THIS moment, he's upset and triggered, he's decided to modify his memories into it being this horrible time he had to endure and full of discomfort he actually didn't feel then, but he does now.
It's like whatever he feels in the present moment, is splashed all over everything in his head. It's all that matters. There is no accuracy to his memories or perception of a possible future, beyond it. If he's wanting to feel sorry for himself, he'll modify his memories to serve the agenda of that mental state, if that means remembering a good time as a bad time, or a bad time as a good time, he can do that. He often acts like previous times in his life were so much more wonderful than whatever he's living now and he's miserable over what he's lost. But he's been doing that for years!
And the obvious answer is, "mental health issue, proceed to therapy" but just talking to someone he doesn't like or connect with...and having to be forced to do it like pulling teeth...I don't see where that helps. Sometimes it even facilitates more negative head-stuff because it's like he's involving himself with negative crap in his mind, not exploring positive stuff.
So Zen and I talked last night, he's really trying to help and be there for me, and I truly and deeply appreciate it. We had a talk about anger, because I'd say I do have quite a bit of repressed anger...but I don't know how to let myself feel it, as he says I should. I don't know what to do with anger. It's probably the one feeling that I push away the most. It's like I'm feeling things that make me a bad person. Like...I'm dodging personal responsibility for the situation I'm in, being angry at other people. Anger leads to destructive behaviors, and words that damage relationships and can't be taken back. I've never felt safe indulging in that...except when I was a teenager, and found a way to go smash cheap thrift store bric-a-brac against a concrete culvert in the woods. But even that, I look back, and I was littering an already littered area with more broken glass and junk, and as a responsible adult, I can't think of any place I'd feel ok doing that now. So doing physical things to release anger...that isn't ok. Zen gave me a pillow and plastic baseball bat I could theoretically release some of the violent energy with, but the problem with that is, I feel like I need to actually create a result, or I feel like just a cute little harmless thing stamping cute little feet impotently and it makes me feel even worse. I hate the feeling of being so powerless, and that's what it comes to...I cannot do anything righteous with any of these feelings. I can't get in a fight or... Anything. I don't want to throw a cute but pointless little tantrum.
If I could afford it, martial arts classes, just for the exercise, would be a good solution. I wish I could go chop firewood, or do something physical that is actually productive. I just don't want to engage in any sort of outburst that produces no discernible result. That makes me feel like my feelings don't matter, change nothing, do nothing. Maybe I should get some jogging shoes and go do that. Not that I can afford jogging shoes right now.
It's just a lot easier to control and repress anger and not indulge in it. And for me, anger turns too easily into sadness and despair. I also wonder how much of what Zen is saying is a male perspective. I think that men often turn troubling emotions into anger, because anger is the more socially sanctioned emotion for men to express. I have had Old Wolf tell me that he turns any emotion he feels into anger. Zen tells me I need to express anger. I don't feel like I want anything to do with anger. Maybe it is just men speaking, and anger isn't what I need. Or maybe Zen feels unexpressed anger on my behalf, himself. I don't even know.
The other thing about me, and anger, is that it is acknowledging that whole impulse that I want to push away the people who hurt me, even my sons sometimes. I do everything in my power not to let them see that. On the bright side, Q is in a raging hurry to get away from me, and I feel like even if he doesn't finish high school, he's going to be in a rush to get out of my home as soon as he can. I've been making him aware of GED options, and even Job Corps, if he's still lacking anything of his GED or needs driver training or something, that's one way to get it done. And he turns 18 in just 1.74 years, after all.
That's the only thing that comforts me, is that all of the dark stuff...it is temporary. No matter what my mother or anyone else says, I don't have to pay, for the rest of my life. I'll be free to put my energy into people and connections that contribute to my happiness. I wanted to take Q with me. But if he wants to wallow in darkness like his father does, I'll keep trying to shine light into his life for a time, but I don't have to be dragged back into the tar pit, I'm not a bad person for refusing to suffer for him or anyone.