The story of Spork.

Q called me. He left class due to "extreme itchiness" and went to the bathroom and took his shirt off, he's got redness all over his torso. Sounds like an allergic reaction. He had me on the phone and we were trying to suss out what he might have been allergic to (did you eat anything unusual? Spray anything like a cologne on your body?) and he says he is pretty sure that he's allergic to static electricity.

I... What?

As we talked it was going away and he was feeling better. So I told him to visit the nurse, which he was planning to do, and see how it goes. He winds up back in his classroom where he texts to let me know his eyes are itching and watering now and his nose is running. So now we're thinking it's something in his classroom...but he's nearly done with that class period so he's going to try and get through it.

I need to get him to a doctor I guess. Like I really don't think there is anything seriously wrong with his health, but he wants there to be. If I had him thoroughly checked out and proclaimed healthy, maybe he'd stop all this malingering and moaning.

It's hard because, unfair as it is, I can't help but see stuff his Dad did, in his behavior, and I get upset and don't want to deal with it. It's this whole "I really must demand that everyone stop everything and tend to my needs right now. Do you not all comprehend that I must be the sole and utter center of all attention at all times?" He not only gets upset if someone interrupts him when he's speaking, which is understandable, he gets upset if someone else is already talking when he wants to talk. And just like with my ex, if I speak and he doesn't hear me, it's my fault for mumbling and he yells at me. If he speaks and I don't hear him, it's my fault for not paying attention and he yells at me. And any resistance to bad behavior, or attempt to force accountability on either of them? They threaten to hurt or kill themselves. Which they won't DO, they just feel it's a manipulation card they can play.

Now people I know who are into suicide prevention work would tell me to ALWAYS take that super seriously and call in help and get them institutionalized or hospitalized or whatever if anyone ever says that, you've got to spring into action, because they might mean it! Yeah but what if doing that would cost you thousands of dollars you don't have...? I really cannot afford to shell out for an expensive hospital stay that isn't covered by my insurance every time my teenager feels like being a melodramatic little asshole.

(EDIT: Worth noting. Both Old Wolf, and Q, when the fleeting pissy mood has passed, will tell anyone that they would never ACTUALLY harm themselves. And at least in Q's case, if I really felt there to be a serious risk, I would do something. But when he says it when he's clearly in a particular mood, like when he's arguing with me and not "winning"...yeah.)

Frankly the best solution I've found to these people who act this way is to minimize the "dealing with them" that I do. Sucks but there it is. I can't deal with you, so I won't deal with you. With my ex, it was a very shut down, avoidant attitude culminating in ending the relationship and him going away. With my son, I feel responsible enough to be involved, to try and talk to him still, to check in daily and make sure he is fed and clothed and doing well in school, has his sex ed bases covered and knows he can talk to me if he needs to. But aside from that, we don't spend a ton of time together. And I am NOT the Mom who looks forward to visits from my adult children with grandkids and all that. I want them to grow up and go away. Especially Q. I've tried my best, and for a long time I was a very, very good Mom. I'm still doing what I can, and I do love my sons. But I did not want this gig to begin with, I've been just playing the hand I was dealt for too long. I'm still trying. I don't want to be cold to the kid. I don't want to punish him for the sins of his father. I don't want to be a bad Mom to him now. But it is so hard when I feel like, in order to prove unconditional love, I'm expected to tolerate manipulation and disrespect. People who view life as suffering and expect their loved ones to suffer with them. No. I don't want to. I tried for years to bring Old Wolf into the light of living for happiness instead and he resisted me, the harder I pulled, the more he dug in his heels. I gave up. I won't waste nearly that many years on his son. In fact it's only 3.21 years now, until he graduates, yes I am counting the days. And then he can take his drama elsewhere.

Of course part of my frustration too is this thing where part of it, I remind myself, he's just being a teenager. And frankly, I need to stop fussing about solving his problems and just let him HAVE his problems. Be there for him, don't take his attitude personally. It's hard, but that, I know, is part of this whole "raising a teen" thing. I really need to help him find a job. He needs more stuff to keep him busy and make him feel like he's accomplishing things.

At least I don't have to deal with his Dad much anymore. Though I have found out that I'm probably the only person, or maybe one of only a very few, that he answers or returns phone calls from. His friends tell me that he isn't responding to their calls or texts now. He has really withdrawn. I do not think that his flight to Oregon has been the panacea he had expected...but I am not surprised. Nothing ever is.

But despite all of that...life just doesn't suck. Life actually is pretty great. I am not a big fan of winter, and Colorado Springs has skipped it. Like we had maybe 3 or 4 "snow days" where we got flurries or a dusting, maybe an inch, like nothing much...but for the most part, it's been sunny and warm. Today it'll be in the 70's. The only worry is fire danger. It's very high. I'm afraid we are going to have another serious fire this year, because of the very dry, warm and windy weather. And unfortunately the areas I'm looking at for my move, are fire areas. North and west, where the trees are, not out on the eastern plains where it's only grass fires that get put out easily. But that choice is all about Q's school needs...so unless there just isn't anything available in those zones when the time comes, that's where I'm looking first.

And I must remind myself...if it absolutely comes right down to it, Q can switch schools and he can just deal with it. I would rather not. But when I worry about the tight rental market and finding just the right place...well...might have to expand our range, and if we do that, we find many more options.

I'm not even sad about selling my GWAR collection. I'm keeping a lot of the stuff I love most. And I accumulated WAY more than I needed to.

Oh, Mags, with regard to paying for shipping...usually I don't. But in THAT case, I'm willing to. Reason being I told the guy I'd take 500 for the full set and he turned around and offered me 600 just to be kind and generous I guess, or to persuade me to sell. He is willing to cut Ebay out of the picture and just go through Paypal, knowing that there is some protection there. And since he doesn't know me going way back like many of the fan family do, I gave him some solid references he could speak to, people I've bought and sold with for YEARS. And he knew those names and said he appreciated it. So hopefully this deal will go through this week.

The three frustrating cases, the ladies who have got my hackles up...those are lesser amounts, and I can wait, I'm just frustrated and I can't believe that in the year 2017 we have people who don't understand how online transactions would work. How the auction process works, how payment works, etc. If I do more auctions I'll be like, "IMPORTANT: If you can't pay for the item, please do not bid!" That should be common sense, but...apparently not? :rolleyes:

And I have lunch with Zen today. You know, having just gone over to his place Sunday night, late, for a couple hours just to hang out and talk (and rub his feet since he'd worked that day and I wanted to...) I just love being in his presence so very much. This is why, even though I love my apartment and I worry about some things, I still just know I need to live with him. I love the idea of having even a little bit of Zen in every one of my days, or as close to it as I can manage. I love him so much.
 
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1. Still processing the occasional feelings about ... inferiority/jealousy/insecurity. With regard to my thinking that reality tends to be disappointing compared to fantasy. In general. Found another situation that pokes that emotion....trying to explain to myself why it's silly and hypocritical for me to feel that way. But still.

Meh. I'm just not really in the mood to process stuff right now.

2. The guy bought the game! So the biggest chunk of what I still need to pay my lawyer has now been raised! Wow, I really need to get my name change and my paperwork done and everything! Good thing I scheduled Thursday off. My bankruptcy will be underway quite soon...
 
Wednesday. I have a discussion group today. There are some leadership shake-ups going on at the club. I've got projects I was supposed to be working on for them that I have not yet found a moment to get started on. But I have been SO TIRED. Like "I really can not function" exhausted, feeling squished, for the last two days. I went home and just went to bed for a while...then I was up but not very active for a few hours, then back to bed.

The only project I've really put a proper amount of energy into lately has been my little side hustle of trying to sell off GWAR memorabilia to pay my lawyer. I've done pretty well there. I have another round or two of auctions I need to accomplish and then I'll be done.

Other things I have to keep on my mental radar:

My oldest is turning 18 in less than two weeks. I have no idea what I can or am doing for him. That sucks. I don't have a lot of money and I am just really struggling to think of anything fun...so I guess I'll do some research today and see if anything fun is going on here or up in Denver.

Sometimes I really miss when they were little.

Got to get the art done. I got to a certain point and just stopped. I can't stop. I need to keep making art, continuously. If I can just dismiss that "meh I don't feel like it right now" that gets a hold of me...

Got to start packing. Got to get my name change done. Got to get the bankruptcy paperwork done. Got so much to sort though and accomplish. A small mountain of old docs containing PII that need to get shredded. Just...too much stuff. Laundry.

And all I want to do is sleep. Seems sometimes it's like this around the beginning of my period in recent years. A few days where I can barely function, I'm so tired. I don't have terrible cramps, any mood swings are not nearly as drastic as what I get a few days after it's over for some reason...but I have no energy at all.

Some days I'm incredibly jealous of my cat. But not really. I mean sure he gets to sleep whenever he wants, but otherwise his life can be incredibly boring, the poor little villain, and people are always messing up his fur.
 
Bow out of some of the projects if you can and feel like it. You've got enough going on :(

I've got a book recommendation you might want to look into. It's a little weird to recommend it, because I haven't read it yet :eek:, but it's on my radar. It's supposed to be a great resource for understanding and overcomming resistance and staying on track with what you want to create
Steven Pressfield: The War of Art
 
Tinwen said:
Bow out of some of the projects if you can and feel like it. You've got enough going on :(

I've got a book recommendation you might want to look into. It's a little weird to recommend it, because I haven't read it yet :eek:, but it's on my radar. It's supposed to be a great resource for understanding and overcomming resistance and staying on track with what you want to create
Steven Pressfield: The War of Art
Click to expand...

Thank you, Tinwen! I just hate feeling tired and useless while my projects sit.

And you know, I get to work and I sit here trapped at this desk and my mind just races and races on all the things I could be doing if only I were not here...but then when I'm home with the time and opportunity, my will to DO just deflates. It's infuriating!

So I did a quick searchie on stuff going on the weekend of kiddo's birthday just now, and one thing that came up (of no interest for his birthday but of interest to ME) was a class on using this "Paverpol" art medium. Um. Apparently it is a "textile hardener." And...an...adhesive...

Ssssooooo, I went to their website. Oh my god. Where has this stuff been all my life. I NEEDS IT. All of it. *twitch* *drool* You use the goo to make all the things into stuff, you see? Ohhh... *sigh* Why do I sit at this desk? Oh yeah. Because they give me money to do that.

Oh yeah. I was supposed to be figuring out what to do for my son's birthday... /facepalm
 
Figured out what I'm doing with my son for his birthday. I remember that my Aunt got me a ticket to Phantom of the Opera, and I always appreciated that we did classy things together. Well I've tried to take the boys to do some stuff and see some things, and there is a Star Wars costume exhibit at the art gallery in Denver. I've never taken my boys to an art gallery and they both have art talents. So I figure we'll drive up there, and park, and then afterwards maybe go out to eat or something.

Also, I had a little conversation with the man who bought my rare game set from me. He has a passion for collectible miniatures, going back his entire life. His father had a set of minis of the Ringling Bros Circus from 1939. And he sold several Warhammer sets (armies) that he had painted, to come up with the money to buy this from me, because he'd been dreaming of owning it since he found out it existed about five years ago. And of course he's also a big GWAR fan, having started seeing them play back in about 1995. So this is a very, very rare set that fell at the intersection of two of his primary interests and he is BEYOND thrilled to own it. He had only hoped to get some of the more common core pieces, not the entire set, even the rare ones. Now he has them ALL.

He's going to paint them, and display them in a glass case in his house. He promises to send me pictures.

I am so happy that not only did I get money I needed pretty badly, like 600 of the 850 I still needed, but also he is going to love and treasure my stuff so much and here I was just keeping it all stashed away in a drawer. I had it just to be able to say I had it, and trot it out to show off now and then...but I did not give it the kind of love it deserves, and he will.

I suggested one thing to him, because I have collected items from legendary collectors and even band members, but kept no records of what came from where, and I've forgotten where I got a lot of my stuff...and things really are so much cooler with a story, a bit of provenance, attached... So I suggested he scribble down on a little note, "Bought from <my real name> 2017" and keep it with the stuff. He thought that was a great idea, said he would.
 
Well, I took yesterday off and tried to get all of my administrative office errands complete for my name change.

First the social security office. They have a metal detector and security to inspect your stuff and all. The line goes down the block. Inside the doorway they've got little stands with free newspapers, one of which was "Life After 50." I snarked, with another young-ish couple in line, that it's cool they offer that. Nice to know that if I'm in line that long, they have me covered.

The security guard asked me if I had any guns, knives, or grenades. I just stared at him a moment and said, "You know, I normally never leave the house without a grenade or two, you never really know when they'll come in handy, but I've left them behind today." Grenades?

OK so I went through that process and got a Paper, with a Stamp, very official. My actual social security card will arrive in a couple of weeks, in the mail.

Then I went to the DMV. I was hoping to:
1. Cancel my old registration and plates on my old van because I'm a big dummy and forgot to take the plates off when I traded it in. You're supposed to, because somebody else could get a hold of them and commit crimes or something and then those plates are tied to your name...no good.

2. Get my registration & plates for my new van.

3. Change my name, getting the new reg. in my new name, and getting a new ID with my new name.

4. Change my address since my old ID and reg. has my old address still.

Of those things...
1. Done. Easy, thanks to Zen! I found myself with no record of my old license plate number on my person, nor the VIN of my old vehicle, just...nothing, with me. At home maybe, but not with me. Texted Zen, he'd taken a photo of me standing by my old van, with all the stickers...and he was able to get the plate # from that pic, and text it back to me so I could get the plates cancelled. Brilliant! Zen saves the day.
2. Done. But...
3. Couldn't change my name yet. They have to wait 24 hours for the computers to update from social security before they can issue an ID with my new name...and to get the registration in my new name, I'll have to send a copy of my new ID, to the lienholder, have THEM change it, and then go back to the DMV... /facepalm
4. Was able to get my address on the registration, will get my ID updated when I go back.

Of course my address will be changing yet again, in just a few months.

I was running around and sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs holding numbered tickets for much of the day. In fact. I went and found this image, so that I could share on Facebook how my day was going:
picture.php


After I got home, though, I worked on that art piece, I'm beginning the part of sculpting the 3D elements on. It'll look kind of patchy for a bit while I work on this, but then I'll be able to seal it all up and paint it, it's going to be amazing when it's done. I just know it.

Then I decided to jump in and work on a project for the club, and that went well, excellent progress there.

I'm chipping away at my to-do list one little bit at a time. It was good to have the day off.

Today I expect to go over and hopefully spend the night with Zen. I got a text from Q-kid that he wanted to stay after school, and I told him (he's been staying after like every day this week) not today, so hopefully he gets my message and gets on the bus. But whether I have to pick him up first or no, I'll be having my time with Zen later on, and I'm looking forward very much to that.

Probably going to work on confronting my porn issues. I definitely want to. I find it frustrating trying to figure out, let alone explain, the difference between the majority of it that puts me off or bores me or doesn't interest me (at the very least)...and the few I've found that I actually liked. At one point, I even paid for some to put on a tablet, some that Supernova recommended to me. Well, I watched it not too long ago, and I frankly didn't like it much.

What I have liked...there is one user on fetlife who makes videos and does pics. She is a Domme who has both male and female subs. Often in videos, the participants either have their faces covered by a swathe of hair hanging down or just concealed by the camera angle, and Zen did not particularly favor not being able to see their faces...but in thinking of why I like her work, there is a cleanliness to the light and the lines, an aesthetic, it reminds me of minimalist art. Much is filmed in what looks like a stark, secluded mountain cabin with snow outside. Like you don't see the snow but the light coming in is so stark and white. The sheets are white. The Domme is pale with black hair cut about to the jawline, it falls just right to conceal her face but is elegant. There are no big fake boobs, in fact NOTHING about these videos feels fake to me. There is a serenity to it, and an elegance. I'd have a hard time believing that the participants did not know one another pretty well before the day they made the films.

Compare to the video I actually paid for to go on my tablet. Buxom and heavily rouged and dyed broads wearing lace and animal print and fishnet and plastic jewelry, god help me, everything about it wound up being tacky as hell. I bought it because ONE of the women looked interesting in a goth sort of way...and then I was like "oh dear lord" with regard to the rest. Trashy. Everything about it was trashy as hell. Why do they make sex look so cheap, so tawdry?

Then there was the German video that Zen and I watched. I liked that one so well, even though the quality and resolution weren't the best, that I hope he can find it again and send me the link to it. It was a fairly long BDSM session with a man and woman. The man was not particularly attractive to me, but the woman was beautiful...more importantly though, again, it really did seem like they knew each other well and were both very engaged in what they were doing. Their human energy, his power, her pain and pleasure, it was so evident, and so REAL.

What delineates so clearly a difference between real and fake? Maybe part of the issue is that I am VERY good at reading body language. Subtle cues that are hard to pin down will send loud messages to me that something is fake. It's not even just real O's that I'm looking for, it's a real dynamic, real energy, people being real. Like I made a video for my ex, ages ago, and I destroyed it and every trace of it...and even thinking about it now, makes my stomach turn. I felt awkward doing it, and remembering it, so fake. And how not? I was trying to "put on a show" by myself, which is going to be difficult since what I personally enjoy doing when I'm alone just isn't really that interesting to watch. I mean, I can have a fantastic time with a wand without even taking any of my clothes off. Takes about 5 minutes, tops. And then I drift off into a lovely doze. The stuff of hot erotic video, it ain't...

Hm. I like things that don't feel (to me) trashy or cheap, and that seem genuine. So I want to get the sense that the people actually know one another, and I'd rather they weren't wearing flip flops, plastic bracelets, bright pink lipstick, or "Make America Great Again" hats...well...I could POSSIBLY imagine some torture scenes...no, kidding, kidding. LOL I just thought of a name for porn with trumpo voters..."Walmart Porn"...ew. No.

OK that's enough of that, now I'm just being silly.

Actually no, I'll be sillier. At work we have a thing with rubber ducks with the company logo where you check one out and "take it on adventures" and post pics on social media. Oh yeah, right, I'm gonna use MY social media page to advertise the company. :rolleyes: No. I do not think so. Anyhow, I'm just thinking, "take it on adventures? You have no idea what kind of adventures I have..." Like I'm thinking, use electrical tape to make a bondage duckie and take it to GWAR concerts, to the club, to naked hot tub parties... I do not think that's the kind of advertising they want...

#ThisIdeaIsStupid
 
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Such a good weekend.

I don't even know where to start. I think I will pick up real fast on the note I left off on last week, which was to inch forward in my thinking about porn and stuff...so yeah, an awful lot of it is meh. And that isn't just me. Zen and I watched some stuff this weekend, and there is only certain content that really gets him going, too. And it's not just one particular THEME, it's only certain portions of certain action within those vids...which means that for only a pretty small percentage of the time he's watching, is it even hitting the right mental buttons for him. You get the stuff of four hour sessions, when you're sitting there clicking from one video to the next, and half the time the video isn't what you were hoping it would be, or it redirects you somewhere, or it doesn't play, or WHATEVER. Wind up with like 20 tabs open, and for heaven's sakes I hope he's got a good antivirus on that machine. Regardless I'm watching this process like holy fuck dude...that looks like a serious inconvenience. I mean, I can knock out what I need in five minutes or less because I can tap the PERFECT mental stimulus just by running my own imaginary fantasy reel in my head. I found myself sitting there with him, and not bothered by the stuff on the screen, but losing interest in it and spinning off a mental fantasy that was BETTER for my own purposes in my mind. And I asked, can you not get better results even if you pay for it, better video with more of the "good" content and less crap? And he says that when you buy videos, the buildup to the action takes FOREVER... And I suppose that even if he found one DVD that really got the job done, he couldn't watch the same stuff over and over, novelty is part of the appeal as well. Sure. Anyways, my takeaway from that session was that being a guy and dealing with internet video to take care of one's needs in that regard seems like a complete and total almighty pain in the arse compared to what I can do. I should feel very fortunate.

At any given time I've got maybe ten or fewer mental fantasy scenarios on the books in my brain, and when I set out to get off, I scan through them like changing channels in my mind until one feels right to me, and then go on and elaborate and play it out. How things look in those fantasies, visually, is the least significant piece...how they sound, how they feel, in my imagining, is far more powerful...and if I'm thinking about how anything looks, it's not how it looks from my perspective as the one experiencing it, but from someone else's, knowing that they are seeing me, because I've got that exhibitionist button to push.

I hear from other women who like to watch video, and I wonder how different I am from other people.

But I can say that in the last year or so, gradually, more and more of my fantasies actually have Zen in them, and I did not used to have particular actual people in my scenarios at all. But hey. He does get me off in real life, so why not?

So anyhow, I couldn't sleep last night, and I was up very late after Q had gone to sleep. I found myself watching the videos posted by this one fetlifer that I like very much, the ones with the beautiful and artful clean lines to them, and I realized that each of those videos was 5 minutes or less, and you would click to the next and the content would be something totally different, and there was no way to even loop one of the good ones. No way to get "more of this" when you even found some perfect content. Even with the fact that it doesn't take me long to "finish" under the proper circumstances, the process is more distracting than helpful in many ways. So I'm not only sympathizing with Zen's predicament and maybe that of other men too, but holy smokes dude I'm a bit indignant that the industry could so dramatically fail to provide the right stuff here...like honey, do we need to make our own?? I don't know about putting it on the internet, but I'd sure be willing to make stuff for Zen at this point. I love and trust him more than I ever loved or trusted anyone. So.

That's that bit of thought. Now, weekend recap...

Friday after work, I went over there and we had fun for a couple of hours. Then went to dinner...and I was SO hungry. I had not eaten much that day. And I stuffed myself, which I don't often do, and we were both somewhat uncomfortably full when we got back to Zen's place. I think we handle that feeling differently. If he were to lie down with a full stomach, he will have acid reflux and such and be uncomfortable. I am more uncomfortable in an upright position with a full stomach, I feel like my body needs to stretch to make space inside my torso for my full belly, like my breathing space is compressed. So he wants to be up, I want to be down. Well, we watched an episode of an interesting documentary and I was going into hardcore "food coma" mode. So I went and curled up and went to sleep. But I told him to please feel free to wake me up if he felt like it in the night.

That, I have noted, is another big difference between how I feel about Zen, and how I've ever felt about anyone else ever. And I mean, going back to my teenage years with some of my very first partners. When they would spend the night, I remember being asleep spooned up with them, and them doing that thing of being aroused when I was trying to sleep "bugging me" with it...and getting VERY annoyed. Because I love sleep. I really do, and I don't like anyone to mess with my sleep normally. Zen though? Please. I just never stop wanting him. It's one of the amazing things about him and us, is that he gets a yes when anyone else has ever got a no. Like I said...all accelerator, no brakes...

So he came to bed around 2am, and woke me, and we spent a good 4-5 hours having sex, then went back to sleep for a while, then woke up and played some more...then eventually got up and went for food in the early afternoon, then some creative play and porn stuff for a few more hours into the early evening. (EDIT: Fine. I feel I should mention that "creative" means that I was feeling creative, and that it involved small, very powerful magnets, including a moment of panic when I couldn't get them off, and Zen thought that was just HILARIOUS and also duct tape, because why the hell not? Oh, and if you make a sort of harness out of duct tape, and apply powerful vibrations to one part in one spot, you're going to feel those vibrations pretty strongly throughout said tape apparatus. Another thing I appreciate about Zen is that he makes me want to PLAY. As someone who has never had a relationship stay playful and fun for so long, trust me, I am appreciating this so, SO much.) Finally I realized it was like past 6pm and I needed to get showered and we were trying to go to a party at the Club. So we did that and had some good social time and a lovely impact scene.

Then it was finally time for us to part ways. I went home and got a good night's sleep, and then went down and got Ninja and took him to an eye doctor's appointment. We went out for bagels and I dropped him off at his on-again, off-again former girlfriend's house. Supposedly they are studying. I can only hope? Then Q and I stopped at the store and went home. I'd hit a brick wall of exhaustion and needed a nap. Unfortunately that led to not being able to sleep when I should have been sleeping, last night, hence the late night watching of fetlife videos. It's like either I am wide awake or I'm dysfunctionally exhausted. Sadly I am starting to get tired again...that is not good! Might need more caffiene. Got to get through my day somehow...
 
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Thinking about something, so might as well write about it.

As often happens, my train of thought left the station from a Facebook link. The article was from a feminist website where they are making the point that your favorite celebrities are often bad, bad men. So by all means enjoy their music, art, and acting...but don't idolize them for heaven's sakes. And it then goes on to list the many celebs, all male and especially musicians, who had sex with young teens, who abducted young teens, who participated in actual rape events, and/or who were domestic abusers.

Well...

I'm not touching the assault stuff, that's wrong and it's always wrong. Consent violations of any kind whether they are leading to sex or violence, are just plain wrong no matter how you slice it, worth mentioning though that I think that when you expand the concept to include many kinds of consent violation, it's not as gendered an issue as feminists have always presented it. Women victimize men in many ways, and there are many things you can give or withhold consent for, and men have the right to give or withhold consent, too, and sometimes it's violated. As awful as it is that rape as the classic concept of male sexual assault upon a female is a VERY common occurrence and is vastly under-reported and under-prosecuted...female on male consent violation is nearly invisible. And that's wrong, too. Frankly, I can't discuss the subject without making that point. Because as a teenager, I was guilty as hell of it. I violated, disregarded, and at least PUSHED the consent of several males...and the problem is that I didn't even understand that it was wrong. It didn't occur to me that they had consent to even give or deny, at all.

Moving right along though. So many of the bullet points in the article were a list of celebrity men who had sex with underage girls, as young as 13, 14. And it is stated that a girl cannot give consent at that age. This actually bugs me, quite a lot. And I've talked to Zen about it. Frankly I am not sure that it's any less wrong or more right if a person is 15 or 22. 18 seems like a very bullshit arbitrary age to me, and our brains aren't even mature until like 25. But we don't expect anyone to wait until 25 to have sex or even start a family...of course we don't...we just have this weird, arbitrary 18 number where magically you're an adult, you are no longer your parents' property, or vulnerable or prone to be taken advantage of...you're now a grown woman who can make her own choices and mistakes. What changes at 18? Nothing much as far as I can see. I got together with Old Wolf at 18 and was pregnant by 19, and I sure as all hell was not ready to commit to what I was getting myself into. But it wasn't the sex that was the mistake. I could have had sex with him, as I had so many men before him (he was my 34th male partner, at age 18) and had it been as blissfully free of commitment as most of those before him, I would at worst look back on it as forgettable or mildly regrettable...but not a HUGE, life changing, game changing major event. No, it was how he and one other man in his 20's when I was 18 basically fastened on and wanted to start life-building with me, when I was economically vulnerable and not really ready for that...THAT was where the real violation was. Not the sex, the RELATIONSHIP. Really, the worst I feel about any of the fairly casual partners I had age 14-18, was "meh...who cares?" Like I might wish I hadn't, but only because I can't really think of a good reason why I should have had sex with a particular guy, and maybe he wasn't that good, and there's just another name on the list, a roll of the sexual health dice, for no reason. I got lucky to stay healthy of course, and I credit that to how most of those guys were either very inexperienced or virgins. I had a THING for male virgins (still kinda do.) But the point is...even the one male who actually violated my consent when I was 15, didn't really traumatize me that much.

The only relationship I can point to that created serious damage and major trauma and drama and misery for me...was the socially sanctioned one. The one where I was 18 when we started, and we had children and we were faithful and married and monogamous. That relationship had serious repercussions to my mental and physical and emotional health. The others? Meh. Who cares?

Oh, but they were wrong. I'm told that I SHOULD be traumatized, I am a victim whether I like it or not, that a 14 year old most certainly cannot give consent. It's like people WANT and NEED for me to be all broken up about having had sex as a young teenager, especially with regard to the few older men I had. I have seriously had people explain to me that somewhere deep inside my mind, I am damaged somehow by those experiences, and that I'm just repressing it.

Well they can fuck off with that shit. I do not need anyone, man or woman, to explain my own head to me, thank you very much. I'm quite capable of pointing to where my damage lies and where it does not.

Thing is, when I was 14-18, I was if anything VERY sexually aggressive. I knew exactly what I was doing, I was not innocent or ignorant. I deliberately pursued anyone I wanted, and I did so relentlessly and fiercely, fearlessly and shamelessly. I was on birth control and getting tested for STIs every 3 months. I wanted to flip the script and use males for sex, to objectify and dominate them. I wanted to feel powerful. And I did. Oh, did I. It was such a rush. I cannot look back at that version of myself and think that I was innocent. And I don't see how it's any more ok if I took home a boy my own age, at the time, tied him down and demolished his virginity...or picked up a 25 year old from the mall and brought him back to my place. Other than the sexual health dice roll having possibly more favorable modifiers for the less experienced younger ones. But on the flipside, had pregnancy been a possibility for me, the older ones could maybe have at least provided financially for an abortion, adoption, or support. *shrug*

This subject is just difficult for me to take with the gravity and seriousness that our culture expects. There was a story about a 13 or 14 year old girl who nearly demanded that David Bowie have sex with her, and he took her virginity, and the article tries to paint that as wrong somehow. Man, do you have any idea what I would give, to be able to say it was David feckin' Bowie who was my first?? Holy shit. Even as an old man. Dude, it's BOWIE. No, instead, I had "HD"...a 19 year old redneck who stacked tire rims for a living, and the main reason I was with him is that it seemed useful to me that he had a pickup truck and a job, and after a few months of feverish frottage I was pretty much ready to get down.

I cannot judge guys for being attracted to post pubescent teens. Sorry. Just can't. Now, the thing of wanting to marry, impregnate, or keep them? That's a whole other animal right there. And I also get mad if they use deception (like saying they love you when they don't) to get laid. But just wanting to hook up with 'em? Psh. Dude. That's almost...natural. I don't judge it. Sorry. Can't. And I cannot look back at my life and think that I lacked the ability to give consent because of my youth at the time. I saw instances of legit consent violation and I had one myself and I most certainly know what the difference was and is.

Anyways. Just a random thought ramble over my morning coffee, since I don't really have any news to share today.
 
Just thought of a further thread...

I think that part of this is the "mono-normative" cultural narrative that if you are having sex, you should at least be planning to form a life bond, marriage, and family with that person.

Should a teen be able to consent to those things? No!! But then again, I don't feel I was ready to consent to those things at 18 or 19 either, but if everyone waited until their brains were done cooking to have babies, then most babies would never be born and our species would probably die off or something. Or maybe we'd be a much healthier population at more sustainable numbers, who the hell knows?...but the point is... I was ready for safer sex and casual sex, but not major commitments. But our society condemns casual sex as being immoral, so of course there's that thing of trying to excuse it in the young as being a mistake made out of naivete and youth and whatever, or better yet that it was the young person being taken advantage of, if an older person who "should know better" is involved.

Well. I still think that is stupid. But then...I think that the social prohibition of (safer! responsible!) casual sex is stupid, too.

EDIT: And as a parent of teenage sons, I WISH that an older woman that I could maybe trust to manage her reproductive health more reliably, would give my teenage sons some sort of a FWB thing so they could get it outta their systems in safer ways. The notion of them knocking up some ninny of a 15 year old who isn't managing her pregnancy risk, scares the bajeezus outta me. And when one of their schools informed me that their sex ed was "all about abstinence" I nearly hit the roof. It needs to be all about 1. Consent, 2. Pregnancy risk management, and 3. STI testing and risk management.

EDIT EDIT: So I guess I am saying that I personally disagree with the social construct that says that 20 is arbitrarily better than 15 for age of consent, as well as the social construct that says that sex in a marriage is better than casual uncommitted sex. And I especially disagree with these things coupled together.

I think that casual sex at any age so long as it is not done with deceptive messages about nonexistent intent to commit, is less morally objectionable, than anyone trying to get a woman to commit, marry, and breed, at a young age in particular, before age 25 when her brain isn't fully formed. That is commitment to two decades, approximately, of sacrifice and martyrdom of your own life and interests to another human being you've created. Far more of a big deal, than a consensual sex experience. So it is in my mind more acceptable for a 30 year old man, say, as an example, to have a single consensual sexual encounter with a 15 year old "girl" than it is for him to marry an 18 year old one. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's the life lesson and message that my experience has plated up for my consumption.

Also, that if we as a society could have made it David Bowie's official responsibility to deflower virgins that would have been fine with me, and I don't see how that would be worse than some fumbling acne ridden young goofball in the backseat of a car.
 
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Oh my goodness...

So I'm guessing there is a magical confluence of hormonal activity with circumstance (last weekend) conspiring to keep me wound up, distracted, and ablaze with sexual interest and distracting thoughts, yesterday and today both.

It's the "the more I have sex of any sort, the more of it I want" and I'm a couple days out from my period ending, so ovulation is on the way, which sometimes fires me up (although oddly it can also make me insecure, emotional, and cause me some physical discomfort, in addition to making me want more sex and affection.) Soo.... I wrote one of my "walls of text" detailing a bunch of fantasy stuff to Zen and I couldn't get to sleep until like 1:30am. But I don't feel especially sleep deprived, though. I've been doing a thing this week of taking naps and then staying up kind of late, and maybe that's not the best idea, because my body is trying to normalize to that. I really believe that if I had my perfect life of whatever bio-schedule just worked most naturally, no worry about the life stuff that needs doing, I'd nap during each day, stay up late, but still get up by like 7 every morning. I like quiet early mornings. I love late nights. But naps...naps are just the best.

And, in keeping with stuff I'm trying to exercise and work on, in my heightened arousal state last night, I tried to browse adult video on the internet. And I found that indeed under the influence of all this particular chemistry, it's more appealing. Many kinds of it are. I am less particular. But in watching it, my mind is still very likely to start wandering into my own fantasies rather than staying focused on whatever I'm watching...it's kind of like trying to drive a car down a road where there is a rut that keeps trying to capture one of your wheels and you might try to steer up out of that rut, but there's just a tendency for the wheel to fall into it and want to stay there. Which isn't really different from anybody who is acclimated to porn, I'm just acclimated to the machinations of my own brain.

I mentioned to Zen that while I might say I am lucky because it seems a less cumbersome way to get things done...it's also somewhat less controllable when I'm in the sort of state I'm in lately. Turning off a web browser is easier than turning off your own mind. It can be difficult to focus.

I'm slightly considering going out tonight. Some of the community will be gathering at a local bar, which they do every other Wednesday night. The club could use another person showing up since that particular event doesn't always have a big turnout... But I am very much more tempted to stay at home with my bedroom door shut.
 
It is the third anniversary of Dave Brockie's death. His death certificate says 3/23, but he actually was found then, but died on the night of 3/22 per the autopsy findings.

An odd thing was, life turned on a dime for a lot of people I know when Dave passed. It was a tremendous crack in the facade of my marriage, when I was trying to cope with grief, and told my ex how much it hurt to lose my friend, and he said things like "You're lucky I didn't kick his ass" and "What do you want, I didn't worship the ground he fucking walked on like you did." and "Don't expect me to care. He wasn't my friend." He just did not at all see how this should affect him, and was offended that I would reach out to him for anything at all over it. There simply aren't a lot of better ways to clearly illustrate to someone that you are so completely wrapped up in yourself that you're not capable of caring about their feelings at all.

I wish I had ended my marriage then, because that is pretty much when I knew I should and that it was going to come to that.

Oh, well.

Thing is, I had friends get cancer, lose their jobs and their homes, chaos in the immediate band and Richmond, VA social circles surrounding them...there was a lot of fallout, pain, heartbreak, following his death, and the world has only gotten, in a lot of ways, weirder and more chaotic since. Sometimes it feels like that was the event that marked the beginning of like, the wheels coming off the whole damn thing. All the stuff you used to take for granted about life and the world, all of your safety and security, say goodbye to that. Brace for incoming crazy shit! I sometimes think that his living self was like the bathtub drain plug on a vortex to chaos, and other fans agreed with that. Probably not. But it sounds cool.

Anyways, it was an honor to be his friend. I'm remembering him tonight.

picture.php


EDIT: I'm finally finding that I can listen to this song. The last 3 years I have not been able to. Dave wrote this after his mother died. She was a WWII survivor and served with the Royal Air Force, Women's Air Corp. Her memories instilled in him a horror of war that would inspire a LOT of his creative efforts. I got a small box of some of his personal effects after he passed, and a poem his mother wrote was in there. Anyhow. This is not some hard rocking metal song, this is...sentimental stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HGWSbwbh-A
 
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for heavens sakes.

So weird health issue that is getting worse now. I actually need to call and cancel a follow up appointment for my contact lens situation...I can't fool with contacts right now...

This has happened before, but it's never been so bad. I have, on rare occasion, got a "dry patch" of skin on my face. Usually on one eyelid, but it's happened near my mouth before or on my chin. Not a common thing at all. I would do what I always did, which was washing with a gentle cream cleanser (though they have discontinued my favorite and I now must find something different that will work)...and then a toner, which I do not use on my delicate eyelids because it does have alcohol, and I don't use it anywhere I've got dry skin issues particularly either, but I also do get some acne so it helps with that...and then finally a moisturizer. For YEARS I used Cetaphil lotion on my face. It's one of the few they recommend for use on babies, it is considered to be relatively pure and free of fragrances and colors and stuff.

And that is all I do with my skin. Wash, tone, moisturize. OK. That regimen seemed to eventually clear up "dry patches."

Well it's been a thing where products I like keep getting discontinued, and I ran out of Cetaphil not too long ago and decided I might try some alternatives. Mostly because Cetaphil is costly. And I got a dry area on my left eyelid that got worse and worse, and I was using an Aveeno lotion with a sunscreen ingredient, and it feels pretty light but the spot just keeps getting worse, very dry and flaky. So I've been about the process of considering a switch from glasses to contacts, and I asked my eye doc about it at my checkup, this dry skin issue. She made this "you idiot" little smirk at me and told me she did not recommend any kind of lotion, and that I needed to use bacitracin ointment. Like her expression, she honestly could have been saying "you have bacteria on your eyelid you filthy pig, put antibacterial ointment on it, what are you stupid or something?" It felt very condescending for some reason. But this exchange was very much "in passing" and she didn't even examine my eyelid at all. She just threw this out there with a sort of "duh" attitude, like of course lotion is a stupid choice.

Whatever. OK. So I got some bacitracin ointment and I've been trying that, but I think I need to stop. In fact I think I need to just get some damn Cetaphil, which always worked every other time I've had anything like this, and go back to the routine that my skin seems to like. Because using that bacitracin...so now I don't have the dry flakes except when I wake up, now the skin is red and it HURTS though. It's achy, and like my whole eye sort of aches. Like it got worse. And it still itches, but if I touch it, omg OUCH...so much ouch...stupid damn eyelid... So forget about contact lenses, right now, I most certainly am not fooling around with those while this mess is going on.

And of course I've done what any sensible person with an internet connection does in 2017. I asked Google. Well I think that the number 1 eyelid skin condition is "blepharitis" which is an infection in the eyelash hair follicles it looks like, and this is most definitely not that. It didn't begin anywhere near the eyelashes, it's up high closer to the brow, but concentrated on plain skin, not amidst the hairs of brow or eyelash. In fact I could touch the area very close to my eye, like the lashes, and there is no discomfort there at all. It's up higher. I did find one article written by a dermatologist (and they seem to understand this sort of thing better than eye docs do)...where it said that the most common cause of this kind of thing is contact dermatitis, or in other words, an allergy. The eyelid skin is super sensitive and will react even when no other part of the body is reacting, and practically anything can be transferred to the area of the eyelids by touch. Admittedly, I don't wear makeup and I am used to being able to touch my eyes more than some folks might. I always thought that not wearing makeup was GOOD for the skin of my face, but if it means I'm more often touching it and putting god-only-knows-what in contact with my delicate skin, from my hands, well... And interestingly the dermatologist who wrote the article said that, with the exception of people sensitive to metals (and makeup that has them) it is rare for makeup to be the cause of an allergic reaction. Most cosmetics are formulated carefully to be hypoallergenic. So...

But of course dry, irritated skin, whatever the cause, is also very sensitive and more porous and certainly prone to the possibility of bacterial or even fungal infection. Wonderful!

*sigh*

I really don't have time to FIND a doctor that my insurance will cover and carve out time in my schedule for that. I just don't. So I'm going to try some more home remedies and hopefully I square this away before things get too desperate. I've still got that beeswax/tea tree/aloe/coconut oil concoction that the delightful hairless Domme friend made for me...that stuff cures most skin things, in my experience, and I'm not sure why I haven't tried that yet. But I will. And there is always honey, I could, I guess, smear a little on there carefully before bed? I have some Manuka honey and that stuff is badass against bacteria. The problem is, I don't know what's causing this. I wish I did. Especially if it's an allergy...since everyone knows, the best thing is to avoid an allergen, but hard to do if you don't know what it is.

Could be the new lotion, maybe? It certainly didn't do me any favors.

And then of course I can switch back to the lotion that I know my skin tolerates...but I still need to figure out what I'm doing about a cleanser. I was using St. Ives Timeless "Scrub" (this particular kind barely has any scrubby grit compared to the regular formula, it's creamier.) And they discontinued that. I don't feel like I truly need an exfoliant ingredient, as I could just use a washcloth to gently exfoliate my face. What I need is something gentle that leaves my skin feeling clean, but doesn't dry it out too much, doesn't smell gross (a bigger problem than you'd think) and not oily (also an issue with some face cleansers, which are in fact sometimes oil based...which is madness in my opinion.) EDIT: Also one that specifically does NOT have any salicylic acid, which actually makes my skin break out in a rash. I have to stay away from that stuff!

You know, when I was like 20, I'd just wash my face like I did the rest of me, with whatever was in the shower, and I didn't care. Funny how complicated I have managed to make this...for a girl who only ever wanted to be "low maintenance." :rolleyes:
 
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Spork, I've for years had something undiagnosed but that I think is probably mild psoriasis or eczema (or both), and it sometimes would appear right above my eyelid. The face stuff that is both cost-effective and just plain effective for me is CeraVe. The plain face wash and the thick moisturizer that comes in a tub (and lasts FOREVER).

On my hands and body, it sometimes comes with intense itching, so I upgrade a little to First Aid Beauty's Ultra Repair Cream. The botanicals in that (including oatmeal!) really kill the itch and it's thick enough to zap the scaliness as well.
 
I will look into that! Thank you!
 
Interestingly, I just happened across some articles claiming that raw Manuka honey kicks ass for eczema, also recommended are nutmeg (which I totally have at home) and vitamin e oil, which I could get...even one person claimed it cleared her up when her "eczema" was triggered by her allergies...which sounds more like a dermatitis condition, but who the hell cares what we call it, I just want to FIX IT. Manuka honey is supposedly anti-viral, anti-bacterial, and anti-fungal. I am not particularly surprised by this. Honey is kind of a powerhouse as far as substances that are just good for you. So I guess I'm going to give that a try... I would like to try using stuff I have at home before I spend money on other stuff. I'll definitely report back if there is improvement!
 
Because it is an easy thing, I tried a bit of the balm that my friend made me (beeswax, coconut oil, aloe, tea tree, lavender, etc...good natural shit) on the eyelid situation.

Holy immediate improvement, Batman! It is still red, but it FEELS so much better. Before, with anything else I was putting on it, it still hurt and kind of itched and it felt like the minute that it dried out, the skin would go right back to being all flaky. It didn't feel like legit healing was going on. This stuff on the other hand, has completely soothed it. I need to remember to just try it on pretty much any skin issue I ever have. It really helped to heal the burn that she initially made it for and it's helped most other problems I've used it for since then. Brilliant stuff!

I'm kind of ...:(...about something. The woman who made me the stuff? She needs help moving this weekend. But I have plans. Plans with Zen, and plans with my kiddo who is turning 18 on Monday. (!!!) I tried to think of a way I could crowbar a few hours of helping her into either day, but with everything else going on? I just don't see it. I even thought about getting my kid to help...so she is in Denver, and I was thinking about taking the boys up to Denver on Sunday to go to an art museum and out to eat and fun stuff like that. I briefly considered conscripting both of the boys into helping with the moving...but part of this involves moving stuff out of a dungeon space and into storage. I'm like ummm....well... Not that I have a problem with either of them seeing stuff, but the rules, I mean one of them is only 15 and the other will be 18 on Monday. So there is that. And then now we have a damn weather forecast for snow or rain or something on Sunday so I might have to find alternate plans to celebrate my boy's birthday, anyhow.

*sigh*

Dammit dammit dammit. I just don't know.

But as much as I want to help my friend, I sometimes have to realize I just can't do all the things for all the people. It sucks but there it is. Life. I did post on Facebook, offering back scratchings and custom art for anyone who would go help...but no one is taking the bait. Not sure what else I can do.

We got some weather today. We haven't gotten much snow this year. Today, early this morning we had a good 4" or so on my railings and porch, but it's already melting off fast. It's suppposed to warm up a bunch today. But I'm happy because the fire danger was SUPER high and this helps to mitigate that somewhat, at least for now. We have to be thankful for moisture of any kind right now.

So on the love front... I have been, all week, about 80% obsessively thinking about Zen and sex, to the point where it's been really hard to use my time at home productively getting anything done...and maybe 20% occasionally needy/insecure. Like ALL of me full of want and desire for him...mostly motivated by love and sex and slightly motivated by a want for reassurance/affirmation. Been doing lots of trying to watch internet porn at home and work out what I like and what I don't and why. That has been...interesting. I actually found, this morning, a video of Nightmare Before Christmas porn that was very cleverly costumed (real people, not animated) and filmed under blacklight, it was an extremely creative piece of work and while it didn't really wind me up or anything I was impressed and peering at the participants' faces trying to figure out if people I knew were under that makeup. Because this is exactly the kind of thing that several of the various friends in various social circles I know of would get up to and execute so beautifully.

I find some stuff I like, which tends to be very heavy on the power exchange. Part of my problem is that power exchange that feels legitimate, like the people are actually in headspace and not just badly acting...I have a hard time finding much of that, at least on the free sites, and I can't really afford to be paying for such things.

For now, I've found a free site that has good reviews and is recommended by reputable tech articles as being "safe" (even though it's got a lot of ads, but that's how they make their money, so that's always going to be the case.)

But even though I'm getting more comfortable...

What's in my head is still a lot better. So much better.

And I still encounter some with the kind of women that are what I imagine that "men like" and I feel all ugly and shrinky inside. Young, blonde, golden, tanned, perfect bodies, innocent looking. I find it more believable that a guy would like me, really be attracted to me, if he's got a sort of librarian fetish or something, I can kinda pull that off maybe with the whole dark hair and glasses thing. But otherwise I struggle to see myself as anyone's ideal, instead of just what they settle for. And that is completely ME stuff. Stupid, layered, ME stuff. Going probably back to my experiences all the way through my childhood and teen years...through middle school I was ugly and no one liked me, the pretty girls (blonde, tan, perfect...not nerdy and awkward and pimply like I was) they were the ones that everyone admired and loved, when no one loved me. Then I got into 9th grade and through puberty and realized that I could make up for not being one of them, by simply being willing to do things they weren't. If you aren't born pretty enough, you can at least offer boys/men what they want...and you'll feel loved for a little while anyhow. Although really looking back a surprising number of those boys really did get a pretty strong case of the puppy love for me, back then. I found a way to have social value, and I insulated myself from social judgment by being the aggressor. I was not a stupid party girl, drinking and letting boys take advantage. I was a predator who took what I wanted from them...so to the best of my knowledge, people did not call me a slut in high school, but a number of people were scared half to death of me. Which suited me just fine at the time.

Along with that I became really nasty to those golden girly girls. I had a punk rock girlfriend with green hair there for a bit and we would actually beat up cheerleaders after school. Our way of rebelling. I came to think of those girls as contemptible and stupid and deserving of abuse. I was mean, and fancied myself hedonistically wicked and evil. If being scary and goth and sinister was how I could manage to do sexy, then that's what I would do.

But the point is that I find myself now thinking that women like THEM get love because of what they are...feminine, beautiful, golden, pure, perfect... I on the other hand, well, I'm willing to do stuff, and a guy will do stuff with me while fantasizing about having "better." And I struggle with the idea that the things that make me love myself have no value to other people that I want love from... So I'm threatened by fantasies and ideals and things I can't be and the idea that I'm barely good enough in a "better than nothing I suppose" kind of way. Fleetingly, I get twinges of this. But still sometimes. And I am working on the stuff and I think it's getting better, but there are times once in a while where a little bit of affirmation from my lover goes a long way. I just don't know how to ask for it without being all dramatic and a pain in the ass with my feelings. I know this shit is unattractive. Needy. And every time I feel it...I write stuff, and then I feel like I have done something wrong ("you're ruining it") by imposing on Zen's time or bringing negative vibes into the picture. Like even if I really feel like I am doing a lot better.

And I do.

I mean, I've been realizing that all I really have to do, is think of Zen's eyes and touch and voice and I'm reassured. I am trying to learn how to give myself the affirmations and reassurances I need. That's good, right?

I've also struggled with an after-effect of divorce that I bet is pretty common when people get out of long relationships. Taking for granted that one day will follow the next and certain things will remain safely the same. That things will work out somehow if there are temporary issues, because they always have. That someone has your back. That you're doing "the right thing" with your life. Just in general. Even in a less than happy state about my ex and our marriage and life and all...I felt at least confident that I was adulting like a goddamn pro. And then...I lost control. Lost control of him, the situation, my finances...I used to be sure that I was a great mother, now I'm not sure at all anymore. I used to have this notion of my kids' futures and now I'm not even sure if my oldest will graduate, and my youngest is neurotic and surly and too often his Dad's toxic words come out of his mouth. Financial messes, bankruptcy, etc. And so long story short, my CONFIDENCE is shaky. My confidence in my own decision making and ability to choose the right paths for myself or anyone. So once in a while I just get an attack of "OMG am I doing LITERALLY EVERYTHING WRONG??"

And I feel like I've got opposing forces of "Life is wonderful because I am so in love" and all of that insecure and not-confident ick that I described above, like shoving each other back and forth...but if I am, in an emotionally charged, hormonal, or droppy kind of a week, clocking like 80/20 to the good, I feel like that is not too terrible.

There have been days this week that I wish I lived with Zen because I'd have stayed up late and waited for him to get home, just for like 10 minutes of snuggles to make me feel alright with everything. Let alone sex, which...yeah, even better. His energy just fixes me.
 
So Zen's got me reading "The Tao of the Loving Couple: True Liberation Through The Tao."

Worth mentioning...while I do enjoy exploring certain idea-sets, I usually absorb pieces, ideas that resonate, without really buying into the whole schema of whatever philosophy or religion or practice. I don't mind bringing good stuff from others into MY worldview, but I refuse to take somebody else's and live in it. I am the writer of my own script, no one else. It's why I was so frustrated searching for a fitting religion or philosophy as a teenager. Nothing is ever 100% a good fit for me.

I mean, I have to be able to speak to these things with part of my brain in a skeptical "OK sure I'll suspend any disbelief" mode, like one foot at least on the solid ground of empirical logic. I'm always a little torn between feeling that some of the woo-woo concepts make sense of things that seem true and good...and the whole, well, it ain't science you know... I have a bit of horror at the notion that I'll receive the scorn of my intelligent friends, that they'll see me as just some stoned unkempt cat lady of a hippie chick waving crystals around and chanting gibberish under the full moon. I most certainly am NOT, thank you very much. But I do enjoy exploring concepts like astrology, various sometimes mystical or spiritual philosophies, and so on. (Also, fuck you, crystals are pretty and my cat is awesome.)

The hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Tao. So all I'd ever heard about it before was some vague notion that old dudes thought they'd live forever if they banged a ton of young women, but without getting off. Like something about getting the yin energy from the women but never expending your yang on orgasms or some shit, I don't know, and it would make you literally immortal. I have no idea where I read that or heard that. Somewhere ages ago, and it struck me as very silly, so I never revisited any of it.

Interestingly though, it talks about men "finishing" and not being able or willing to continue pleasing the woman, who often continues to need more love and stimulation. This led me down a path of thinking about my experiences with men. So I had many lovers, and almost every one followed the typical script of Western sex. There may be foreplay of one sort or another, usually not a whole lot, but as soon as practical, it's "the old in out" until they finish and then it's over. That is what sex just...IS. And then they would often ask if I had also got mine, to which I usually lied and told them I had. Because it would make them feel bad if I had not, and I wanted them to be happy with me and with the experience in general. And because by that point, with most of them, I'd had enough of whatever we'd been doing and just wanted to be there, with them, relaxing with our clothes off, talking and touching.

I really, really enjoy that. Of course I am told by men (most recently I believe by Ravenscroft here on this very forum) that "for most men it is all about the peen." So most men don't want to be touched all over, they don't particularly care. Snuggling is all for the woman. Every act except what leads to them getting off, stimulating their parts leading to their big O, is not for them, it's for me. Meaning they don't particularly enjoy it or care about sex, except for that, or so my culture, society, and men have instructed me, my entire life.

Meaning too that if a lover breaks this mold of behavior, but claims to really be enjoying himself, he might just be telling me what I want to hear? Or he might just be trying to keep me happy to keep me around? Or...what? Surely male enjoyment only looks like one rather specific sort of stimulation and response, right?

Nothing prepared me for what goes on with me and Zen. Nothing. And I'm still really struggling to wrap my head around it. I struggle to believe that he can be fulfilled if we make love for hours and he does not reach the most obvious sort of completion of the act. When that happens, I still struggle to feel like I'm good enough and that I make him happy. And we've gone back and forth on this, and he assures me that he is VERY happy with me and enjoys all of this VERY much and I just...how can it be? It is not what any man ever led me to believe. Men want, for ego reasons, to be told that yes, I finished, and their egos feel good when they have lasted "a long time" (whatever that means to them) in the act itself, but sex is strictly defined by stimulating him to finish. Right?

Not if he's into the whole Tao thing apparently. And evidently according to what I am reading, the Western approach I've described might also be why many men flee the women who try to love them. This always baffled me, and this is interesting to lead me to ask questions about male and female sex and desire.

(Continued...yes I am writing novels today. I don't care, because hey, ya'll don't have to read it!! But my head is full of thoughts.)
 
...continued thought...involves applying some concepts to my own experiences...

So my data set of male partners. Most of them, I don't think anyone fell in love with anyone. Either it was pretty "meh" for both of us and we did not seek to continue, or we enjoyed it as recreational fun but didn't get much deeper than that. 14 of them developed loving feelings for me, but I didn't develop intense love for them.

The ones who had unreciprocated love for me, always seemed puppy-like or dog-like to me. In the sense that I felt they looked at me much in the way a dog watches each bit of food you eat travel from plate to mouth, with a sort of desperate anxiety. (I have some fear that I might look that way to the ones that I love, and may ask Zen if he ever feels I do this...it is unappealing to me, and maybe I think, a turn off to the lovers I have had, if I look at them that way.) Thinking back, whenever the power shifted in such a way that I felt my partner looked at me like this, I lost respect and love for them. I can recall one, who seemed very strong and compelling, but later called me and begged me to be his, said he would move to the state where I lived if I would, and when I balked, he said he would kill himself if I did not agree to be with him. I told him I was sorry and I didn't know what I could do for him, but I would not be manipulated in this way. I cried about it after we hung up, and I never spoke to him again (but he went on to get married and have kids, per social media.) I'd remembered him as sexy and a fine lover, and I'd even been somewhat in love with him, but later when he called me and behaved that way, my feelings cooled instantly. He was not desperate to have ME in particular, he was desperate to not be alone. In danger of that following a breakup with another girl, he was calling me in the hopes that I'd save him from this fate he feared so badly.

(I do not like feeling like I am only "better than nothing.")

Old Wolf was the most spectacular example of this anxious and desperate love. He behaved manipulatively because he had never been alone and was afraid to be alone and out of that terror, he clutched at me. He did it in a much bigger way but it was the same. And very doglike. The dog who looks to his human, needing their guidance in order to function. Drop him on the side of the road and drive off, imagine how he looks, will he survive on his own? If he does, it will be nothing like what a properly loved and accepted dog should have. Very sad, tragic.

It is a big part of Zen's appeal to me, that while I feel he does enjoy our bond and I would like to show him the good in having a bonded partner, I know he has spent many years of his life alone and he is not INCAPABLE of it. He may come to enjoy (I hope) having me around enough that he'd rather not return to a solitary life, but he won't come to believe that he literally cannot live without me (or anyone, more to the point) and would simply not be able to make it on his own.

There is something so immature about this doglike way, it makes me feel I've been cast in a Mommy role and I don't like that. I want very much to be enjoyed as myself in relationships, not cast in a role, and definitely not as mother to a child rather than partner to a man. Hell. If I am mother to a child, then when can I have an inner child, myself? Never. A mother's needs are not recognized by her child.

That is what Old Wolf wanted from me. Mother to his child. If I tried to assert my needs, he was offended and did not hesitate to fall back on telling me that women are invariably immoral because we won't completely subvert our needs as we would, if we had honor and integrity. He was telling me to shut up and be a good Mom, as he needed me to be.

So with the majority of the 14 men who got puppylike towards me, I pushed them away as soon as I saw that look in their eyes. Until I settled for Old Wolf, thinking it was my lot...and we all know how that ended.

Worth mentioning here, too, is that Zen does NOT look at me with this anxiety in his eyes. He looks at me with love, yes, desire, and joy. But the element of fear isn't there, that I can discern, or the mommy-seeking anxious attachment that so repels me.

6 times, I fell in love with a male partner. The book talks about women being hungry and unsatisfied for love. Oh, I have certainly felt love-hunger, sure. And that a man who climaxes is then not able to give her satisfaction, leaving her hungry. And that her hunger is frightening and disturbing to him, so he flees her love.

Perhaps.

I have often lamented that the ones who loved me, I could not love back and the ones I have loved, never loved me. I thought that was just the way it was, that I was not destined to find a situation where my lover and I both loved one another fully and well...and this mismatching would forever haunt my relationships. This also led me to get upset that the ones I loved pushed me away (though if I looked at them in puppylike, anxious ways, I can understand this.)

But the thing is, even when I did not get off while enjoying some of those males, I was getting an energy from them and enjoying the experience of them, and taking them in with all of my senses. My hunger was not necessarily for orgasms and "sex" (Western sex) although I sought that in order to get the intense physical contact. My hunger was...love hunger...for all the sight/sound/touch/scent/taste experience of my lover. All of it. The combined effect of which I can only call "energy"...the intense stimulation of my brain in response to that particular person. And out of the many I've been with, I only felt "fed" with six of them. And with only one exception, they all fled or pushed me away.

The Tao book would say this was some sort of response to my desire and hunger and their inability, having came themselves, to fulfill it. I am not sure about that. Four of the five who pushed me away were mere boys. They could have been confused or afraid for a million reasons, they were so young. One of them...well, one was able to finish but then continue to feed my hungry self with contact and sensual snuggling and stuff, but then I would seek to rouse him again and again. He accused me of "trying to kill him with sex." Which only made me laugh...I mean, really? What is the worst that will happen, your stuff won't work? Please. Let's play. But is it really a feeling of biological imperative for a male who comes, to stop sex and affection, to disengage, even to distance himself from his female partner, to flee from the site of his efforts? Is it the biological signal to get away from a possible impregnated female before you may be trapped into helping raise her baby? I just wonder. Is Zen's love for me stronger for the times we have made love and he has made my pleasure such a strong focus instead of his own, I wonder? If we'd been doing conventional sex the way that most American men do...would he perhaps love me less?

I don't have answers for any of this. Though in all fairness, I have not finished reading that book, let alone the many other sex and love books that Zen has on his shelves.

I'm just thinking, and maybe my thoughts are a bit disjointed. But it interests me to examine my list of partners and query it for various data points. (I'm way too analytical sometimes.) I have a few short lists with a handful of names. Men I felt strong intense love for, men who got me off, men for whom getting into sex was very easy (all accelerator and no brakes, and lots of sexual hunger and desire.) There is only one name that features on all of my little lists, who hits every single note perfectly right for me. My Zen. I adore him like none other.

Oh, interestingly...that book also features some talk about polyamory. Talks about how monogamy is basically a social myth. And says that women in positions of power regardless of the social norms surrounding them, very often engage in poly-ish love habits, whether that is nonmonogamy or serial monogamy, just to gratify our big appetites for sex and love and intimacy. Interesting stuff, anyhow.
 
News pertaining to stuff other than my love life...

My oldest son is 18 today.

.......

I'm struggling to grasp the reality of that fact.

Yesterday we went to the Denver Art Museum, and saw a special exhibit of Star Wars costumes. Q decided before we ever got there that it would be a boring experience and he was unenthusiastic for a while...Ninja (the birthday boy) was happy to get out and do something and openminded to go do this. So there we were. We explored various exhibits, and some of them were really fun and odd, and Ninja and I were getting into it, and occasionally Q would laugh about something... Funny though, some of these pieces were really meant to get a response, right? And so my sons and I, well, I was being expressive of my thoughts and feelings about them because I wanted my boys to get into it, too. We laughed and we commented and we talked about what we were seeing. But it felt odd in that way we monkeys have, of looking around and wanting to be doing what all of the other monkeys were doing. Most of the other people in there were walking around silently looking at things, not showing any reactions. "Like a museum." Whatever. I wanted my kids to have an experience. Well the Star Wars costume thing...I did not expect it to have a huge impact on me. I'm not a rabid fan of Star Wars honestly. But the original trilogy was such a tremendous presence in my childhood that in fact I repeatedly got chills and finally almost cried a few times. Especially seeing Chewbacca and Han Solo's costumes. Oh my god.

And these are originals, on display, and just the sheer cultural gravity of the whole thing. I really want to go back now and take Zen. I think he'll like it.

I'm taking Ninja and Q and the family that Ninja is living with, all out to dinner later on tonight. Honestly...I'm spending a bit more money than I am quite comfortable with, on all of this. I really am. But for pete's sakes my child is turning 18 years old. I want to do stuff for him. Anyone who can't accept and understand that, can fuck right off.

(I'm fussy about how my money is being spent, largely out of concern over the fact that I'm about to get a bankruptcy underway and worry over being called on the carpet for my choices....but we'll see.)

OK. That's it for now, with the walls of text. :p

EDIT: Wait, I lied. My eyelid issue is almost completely healed. I stopped doing anything with stupid Bacitracin ointment, and made sure to keep the new lotion products (that might have triggered an allergy in the first place) off of it. Instead, I've been using the burn balm with the natural ingredients, very sparingly, once a day, and Cetaphil lotion once or twice later on if if felt dry. And yep, it's rapidly healing. Fuck bacitracin, and the ophthalmologist who recommended it without even looking at the skin to see what was going on.
 
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