The story of Spork.

[WhatHappened]

I have never understood the whole idea that we have to be friends with our partner's friends. Polite, respectful, sure.

This is one of my sticking points with XBF. He told me it could 'be anything we wanted it to be.' But it turned out his wife was going to be unhappy and cause trouble if we weren't besties, or better yet, sleeping together. I would have been more than willing to try to be friends until she kept trying to walk in on private moments. Totally not acceptable.

Yes, but it's like, you consented to not talk about certain things because you got a greater good from the overall relationship on the balance.

I feel as though he is not very respectful of my right to consent (or not) to the personal compromises he seems to expect....QUOTE]

Here's where I guess I'm a little confused or wondering if it's semantics. I decided on my own to not bring up politics and faith and whatnot because I knew it would only cause division, whereas other things brought us together. Of course I did. To me, this is common courtesy and common sense. Finding ways to get along with people and find common ground rather than separate ourselves and do things that contribute to anger and division serves everyone. Me and her both.

I have not changed my opinions or who I am one iota. Neither has she. I don't feel in the least threatened by not telling her what I think or feel about X, Y, and Z (which are highly important to me.) I believe entirely in meeting people where they are, with love. I lose nothing by doing so.

[Where we parted ways was when she insisted on pushing a subject on a friend of mine who had just had a major crisis, demanding that he either 'prove' his position or accede to hers...did I mention while he was in the midst of major crisis. It wasn't her opinion I objected to but her determination to push her views on another with no thought to his humanity and what he was going through or what it felt like to him.]

The second line I quoted...this is where I'm lost in semantics. Are you saying you need to 'consent' to not talking about BDSM? He and his friend and his wife apparently don't want to hear about BDSM. This is their right. If you talk about it, doesn't this take away their consent?

Or are you saying that he tells you to keep quiet on that but insists on talking about things you don't want to hear about? That would be double standards on his part.

So you figure I ought to just kind of ghost out and offer no explanations? He is pretty much demanding a phone call or in person meeting from me now.

What is your explanation? That you want to talk about BDSM? So say that if you want to. But honestly, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like there's common ground. You want to feel free to talk about it, he and his wife and friend don't want to hear about it. What's to discuss? So tell him you intend to talk about it if that's what you intend to do and I guess he can decide what to do from there. Or realize as others have said here, you don't have to be friends with him. I certainly don't think you're obligated to be friends with anyone as much as I think he's not obligated to listen about BDSM.

My personal philosophy is that I give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong. He may really like you but just not want to hear about things that feel to him like very personal details. And when I find I was wrong, yes, I begin to ghost on them, if by ghost we mean, simply quit engaging in a discussion that's going nowhere.

I guess I've gotten pretty good at summing up in my own life when there's nothing left to discuss, so I see a mountain here where there doesn't need to be one. If you must tell him anything, tell him you intend to continue talking about bdsm and he can take it from there. I think you have every right to not be best buds with Zen's friends if you don't want to be.

 

[Spork]

The bottom line really is that my time has value to me, and I could be spending it with people who like and respect me, and whom I like and respect. This guy has nothing to offer me. I could spend my time making art. I don't have to spend it making nice.

The only reason I've made a mountain out of a molehill here, is that I don't expect my relationship to end with Zen and I don't expect Zen to end his relationship with his friend, and his friend is the sort of person who is going to DEMAND or otherwise orchestrate, at some point, a meeting where he expects he'll be able to conversation-bully me and lecture me on how I need to behave, and that we MUST be friends. Peppered with semi-subtle, semi-threats of "bros before hos" where he lets me know how important he has been to Zen for decades and that I would not want to cross him and better do what he wants.

Sooner or later I'll be someplace with Zen and he'll show up and try to make this happen, even if I do everything in my power to ignore him, I think that eventually that day is going to come.

I'm going to have to deal with that at some point. I feel fairly confident of it. I prefer to be prepared. You seem puzzled that I'd need to offer any explanations. The alternative is to sit quiet like a good little woman and let the big important man tell me what I think. Fuck that all day.

Zen has a hundred things he's wanted to say to his friend forever, but never gets the chance. He tried one time, and told me how that went...his friend interrupted repeatedly and talked over him, ignored him, and eventually took a business phone call and interrupted their conversation. He doesn't listen to other people very much, but he sure hasn't got a problem speaking for them.

Anyhow. If anything ever comes of it, I'll let ya'll know...I have not taken the time to parse out my thoughts more than just the junk I've tossed down in here. It's not a high priority for me, despite the bandwidth I appear to be giving it. That is more talking about a personal drama unfolding in my life, because I am bored. And also when I type out the stuff in my head, it helps me get clarity on my position and organize my thoughts.

Oh, and we went to see the new Guardians movie, and I won't call him Ego anymore because even though Ego is the bad guy in that film, he is way more powerful and big and pretty and stuff, than Zen's friend is. I'll figure out a different name if I continue to talk about him.

The movie, by the way, I thought it was fucking awesomesauce.

 

[Spork]

Saw this on the Facebooks:

https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-unspoken-secrets-about-life-after-abuse-fiff/

A lot of it resonates.

There was a point in this blog where I talked about needing to forgive myself. I would add to the list that the author has put down, one of the hardest things for me has been struggling with a lack of confidence. I used to be really confident because I was propped up by all the walls I built. I had my routine, I had the things I had to control, and there was no time to be vulnerable...sure it was unhealthy, but it also made me feel very strong. I felt like I was always doing The Right Thing...which was often the thing orchestrated to keep peace in my home, if possible, regardless of whether it was a sacrifice on my part or not.

Not that I was always self sacrificing, by a long shot. I did plenty of things for myself...often in an escapist way, though. Scarcity thinking. Doing unwise indulgent things from an unhealthy place where your needs are usually nonexistent, so you pick a hill to die on and defend it...for me, that was my GWAR stuff. But that's another source of shaken confidence, because I question every penny I ever spent. If only I'd saved, maybe I wouldn't be in this mess now. If only I'd done so many things differently.

So I have trouble having faith in my own choices now. My ability to "adult" and do the right things. That scares me. Because my past choices turned out to maybe not be the right things. Because I feel like I threw away so much on someone who was so wrong for me. Because I don't have my routine, and because I have to use different criteria for my decisions, than "what is the safe choice here, given how my partner might react?" That made so many things easy. Now I don't feel like things are easy anymore. There is a lot at stake. And it's always possible that I'll make the wrong choices and end up worse off than ever.

If it seems sometimes like my processing here can be pretty excessive, picking things apart and being ridiculously careful trying to see every possible detail and miss nothing...it's because of how shaken I still am and how precarious things sometimes feel, and how careful I'm trying to be.

The main thing I agree with a lot is "the problem relationship is over, your abuser is gone, so now everything should be fine" is not really how that works. There's definitely a process. I'm just glad that I pursued relationships and found Zen afterwards. If I'd done what so many people advised me, which was to stop "messing around" trying to date, and just "focus" on getting out of my situation and getting my feet under me...I guarantee I would have gone back to Old Wolf, if he'd let me. I needed a support network, and I needed a new partner who also needs me. And the part of me that says "how could you say that, you fantasized every day for years about getting away from him, and you finally did, how could you think you would under any circumstances go back?" that is explained very well in the article, why people do that. It's hard to fully break away from a whole structure of what your "normal" looked like, and build a new one.

 

[Spork]

Financial stress is stressful.

I'm able to hang in where I'm at (barely) but making progress toward goals...I don't see the way, yet. Stuff keeps happening, like the company I work for is making a change to their payroll policies that will cause me to be short a week's pay one check in July. Great. Because I could afford to just adjust several hundred dollars out of my budget. The fact that it happens in a couple of months, does not really help that much.

I'm running out of GWAR stuff that I am comfortable selling right now. I want to make more art and display it for sale at Voodoo, but I'm not that confident that it'll sell at this point. Seems my dragon piece looks better in my own living room than it does anywhere, and not a lot of folks are prepared to drop a few hundred on art these days. I need to make more, smaller pieces.

Anyways, so I fiddled my budget to include this upcoming shortfall...I will survive, things will be tight but I'll live and it'll be ok. I won't have much to spend at the kink convention we're going to in July, and I'll probably have to take snacks like we did for Starfest.

I'm just struggling to keep my optimism intact, because I feel like every time I see a way forward, I get stomped back down by some unexpected thing. It's emotionally somewhat exhausting.

Worm King has been commenting on my Facebook posts again. He doesn't flirt with me, or even message me anymore. But he is right there to like my posts and make little conversation on pretty much everything I put out there. I'm not sure what to make of it, so I don't make much of it. Sometimes I wonder if he misses me. I kinda miss him sometimes. He used to say he did, but then I told him I thought that was kind of dumb since he could see me anytime he wanted to just by asking me to come visit. There was a time, before Zen and I closed things up, that all he had to do was ask and I'd have moved heaven and earth to be there. So for him to blow me off and then say he missed me? Psh. Whatever man. You had your chance. But I think my version of missing him...it's more like the possibilities of how I had wished things could have been with him... I wish he had come out into my social world. I wish I could have had a lasting normal friendship, and further fun times, even if the sex had to stop. But sex was at the center of what he wanted from me, and he wouldn't come out to play before, so I don't assume he would now. Do I miss sex with him? A little I guess. It isn't that important. Zen is so much better a fit for my sexual desires. I just miss an interesting person, that I thought should have been more of a friend, perhaps...but he didn't want to come out into the world, so that was a dead end. And I will no longer visit him in his world. So where does that leave us? Talking about cat pictures and cheese sandwiches on Facebook, I guess.

So this had me thinking, all this "why do I miss the Worm King" mental meander. And I realized, that if I could pick one man to have sex with in all of existence, past present and future, space and time, real or fictitious, to include every crush, every past lover, every missed opportunity, celebrities and historical figures and the lot. Literally anyone of the male persuasion.

It would, hands down, be Zen.

I think most men would choose someone they have not had sex with yet, someone new and novel...and I think many women would, too.

I'd take the one I know is really that good, over any of the rest who probably aren't.

Worm King might come in second place, but it's a pretty distant second place, Zen has raised the bar to a point where if he ever decides he is done with me I'm going to have a VERY hard time finding satisfaction with anyone else. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. I suppose it's good so long as he's happy to keep me in his life.

I dreamed of him this morning. I dreamed that it was time for me to get up, but I didn't want to, and he was telling me I needed to get up, but I pulled him on top of me instead. This was in the seconds before I actually did have to get up. I saw him last night, we watched an episode of the series, "Lost Girl" which I've endeavored to get him into. It was one of my favorite shows for a while...not Game of Thrones caliber by a long shot but it's a fun little sci-fi show. And we soaked in the hot tub. And I spent time with him on Saturday, and on Friday night, and still somehow I am missing him and dreaming about his body on top of me and his kisses, this morning.

Like this weekend, next weekend I have stuff going on Friday night, and Saturday night...but I think I'll protect my daytime Saturday hours from the intrusion of errands and maybe we can have more sex next Saturday than we were able to fit into this last weekend. What we did was awesome, I just might have enjoyed more of it, and I think Zen felt the same. But I had some things that needed to get done and we wanted to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

I had, this week, potential things at Voodoo, tonight, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I'm not going tonight...I need to get some stuff done at home and tonight's discussion group isn't one that I regularly attend (it's for slaves, and I'm not really much of a slave...not really...though I am quite content for my love to call me one in bed.) And I cannot go Thursday to the discussion group I normally DO attend for switches, because my son has an orchestra concert. So I think I will go Wednesday and maybe volunteer to work the door for the mid-week party...and I'll go Friday for Game Night, and Saturday I want to put in an appearance at Reecy's homecoming and album release party.

 

[Spork]

I wish I could have thought of a good way to share this somewhere else because I wanted to say, "Hey you guys, this is part of my experience of love, what about you?"

Somehow I wanted to do that. But I couldn't work out the right way to put it or where to put it. I'll stick it here then, since this is my little corner of this place.

For me, and I think for many people, music is a profound experience. Even though I don't have any talent for making music, I have, plenty of times, found music that seems to either speak to or from my spirit. It connects deeply to inner stuff and it speaks my truths, sometimes even with no words, music...it's kind of a big deal. For me at least.

And when, on those few occasions, that I've gotten really into a partner, the music that they play for me, especially stuff I've never heard before, becomes part of my experience of them. Now...my previous experience tells me that unfortunately, if those relationships end, this is the music I can't listen to. It makes me cry, like it's ripping my soul apart. Or at least it triggers difficult feelings.

I can't listen to the Strokes anymore. I own that CD...I won't listen to it. Thanks to Worm King for that. My ex, Old Wolf, I never liked his music. He was a hair metal fan, and I can't stand that stuff. He'd try to play songs that he said reminded him of me, and I was like "Ugh, god, please no." And I was never much in love with him anyways. So this effect did not take place with him, for me. Hell...I have still not even cried over him, though I definitely mourn parts of our relationship.

But when a partner gets me into music that I learn to love, that I identify strongly with them, that is some special shit for me. I love it. It's a...a Thing.

And Zen does that all the time.

Most recently he turned me on to Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds. Awesome stuff. He has really, REALLY cool taste, particularly for good music and interesting films.

 

[Spork]

Last night. Hormones, drop, whatever. I got home and I was feeling like...my soul was tired. I felt a bit beat up inside. I didn't even have the energy to think about anything too hard, it was just nebulous emotional stuff morphing through areas that felt like despair, depression, exhaustion, and loneliness. Just unhappy feelings... And I know, I could have dwelled upon any number of trains of thought that would have fed support into those feelings, but I had neither the energy nor the inclination.

I was even too tired to go to any social things to try and distract myself.

Instead, I went to sleep. I got up long enough to make food for myself and my son, and to feed the cat, and to watch some of this documentary I'd ordered that finally came in the mail. Then back to bed.

I feel a lot better this morning. Very well rested, at least!

After work last night, I'd stopped in at my apartment office to extend my lease out another 3 month stretch. I hate this, my rent keeps going up, and because I'm choosing short terms of renewal, it's going up significantly. It increased from 945, to 1000, now to 1045 for July to September. I really hope that it works out for Zen and I to move in together in September. I hope he still wants to, by the time we get there. But at least, I figure, we will be well out of the NRE zone by that point, coming up on 2 years together, or we should be at least...whatever choice he chooses, he'll have had plenty of time to be sure it's what he wants. I feel very confident in what I want of him, us, what I hope our future together might look like. I would not say that I am "planning" it so much as I am "hoping." Planning, beyond moving into a rental house together, feels somewhat presumptuous of me, still.

But I do let myself hope.

Anyways. So my meeting with the lady at the office, I felt compelled to mention that I believe before I moved in that they had simply painted over a moldy ceiling without killing the mold first, or that there was mold coming through from beneath the roof perhaps, it's IN the wall over my shower. I hold this belief because gradually these brown spots appear on the ceiling, and they get bigger and darker, and I spray them with bleach and they fade...but then come back in time. It really looks like it's coming THROUGH the paint. I told her that I don't mind battling it back with bleach but when I move out, they might want to investigate better than they did before I moved in.

She says they have to send someone around to look at it now.

Well that's great. So you can paint over it in between tenants, but if a tenant happens to report it, something might need to be done, huh? I sure hope they don't have to move me out to tear down that ceiling. I like my apartment, I've decorated it and I don't want to move to another one. It would be a hassle.

Well, so. This morning I made sure my bathroom was clean just in case they do come out to the apartment. I hate cleaning bathrooms, HATE HATE HATE it, it's my least favorite house chore of all, but it was somewhat convenient at least to use the bleachy sprays when I had just showered and I was naked anyways and didn't have to worry about my clothing getting any stray drops on it and being ruined. And it needed to be done. I mean. It wasn't quite at a seriously disgusting state or anything, but it needed a good wipe down.

So. I feel good that I got SOMETHING done, since I slept a large part of yesterday evening and night and didn't do shit then.

The documentary I ordered, is something I saw on PBS (a show called POV) and it's titled "High Tech Low Life." The DVD can still be ordered online or streamed... here is the site: http://hightechlowlifefilm.com/

This is an important film, it's about Chinese citizen bloggers, people who are trying to do honest reporting of life conditions in China despite the government's best efforts to prevent them from doing so. Basically the Chinese government wants to only allow a carefully crafted picture of complete prosperity and happiness and contentment on the part of all citizens, but of course that is not the reality. And so you have for instance, crimes committed by those connected to the government are covered up, or the government there is moving people to do civil projects and not compensating them fairly or housing them in crowded little rooms...people rendered homeless when the government bulldozes their house to build a high rise, not adequately compensated and winding up in little "dog houses" they build from trash in the forgotten alleys and corners of the cities. Farmers told what they must plant, even if it isn't profitable, and pollution and flooding destroying rural homes because urban wastewater is piped out to rural areas and just allowed to ruin the land there.

The film features mostly the work of a young man called "Zola" who pretty much wants to be a rebel and a rockstar, he is living the dream of kids today to be "famous on the internet" and another older man, "Tiger Temple" (he's in his 50's and he loves cats, and yes I find him attractive, damn me and my "type" lol!) who travels the country on a bicycle and helps the impoverished. Tiger Temple gets a lot more involved in really trying to change lives.

(EDIT: He WAS in his 50's, when the film was produced. He is 63 now. Still, tho.)

The thing is...as a Westerner, I don't have much perspective on life in a place like China. So between the look into the lives and activities of these two men, and the overall window into Chinese living and perspectives, I have a great appreciation of the whole project. And I sure appreciate the risks taken by those who made it happen. I understand that Zola has since left the country, but continues to educate others in ways to get around internet censorship and report the truth... Tiger Temple is, as far as I know, still doing the same stuff, at least he was at the time they released the film. A man with his cat and his bike, riding all over reaching out a kind hand to people in need, being their voice and fighting their fight. Pretty damn cool.


Additional edit: I have wondered what became of Tiger Temple. Zola moved to safer climes outside of China with his new wife since the documentary, but Tiger Temple stayed and tried to keep blogging. However I cannot find anything more recent than about 2013 on him. This is what they are up against...

http://niemanreports.org/articles/command-and-control/

I hope he's ok.

Additional edit: After quite a bit of searching and translating pages, I found his name on a list of "dissidents" who had been arrested and were in jail as of 2014. Then nothing. It looks like the government "vanished" him. Sad. If not exactly surprising.

 

[Spork]

Good morning, polyfolk and blog readers and maybe Zen. Hi!

I made tacos last night. That was great. And I got some much needed cleaning done around the apartment, and got to bed at a decent hour. I feel good, because I feel like I am taking care of ME and HOME. My son has been sick, but nothing too severe...a respiratory cold. He had a very runny nose and some nasty sinus congestion, which I believe probably caused the sore throat he complained of later, via the whole drainage down the back of throat while sleeping thing. And he also has a cough. Poor kiddo. I let him stay home yesterday. Normally I'm pretty growly about him missing school, but this time I could really tell he was sick, there was no NOT noticing it. So.

But he is doing better today, even though he still sounds kind of rough.

I have been added as an admin/mod to a new facebook group. This is wild...it's a kinky moms group. And it's EXPLODED. We've got like 350+ members and still growing fast. And most of them are new to kink. The existing mods asked, "who is experienced in BDSM" and by "experienced" they listed some criteria...and I qualified abundantly. Plus, as someone who has actively sought education on the subject, I have a lot to offer these ladies. So I'm putting out there some safety advice and such. I was asked to do a writeup on fire play... Managing to touch on all of the more important stuff, but not making it TOO long (ha! this is me we're talking about right?) got me 4 pages of Word doc. Well, I sent it off. It was well received and will be posted in the group.

These moms are nice. I like them. More friends from all over the country for me! I love how with the communities I've participated in, I have people everywhere. I could go anywhere, and have pals to hang with, and that is neat. One at least is here in Colorado and I might talk her into coming to Voodoo someday. YAY HUMANS!

I keep promoting the club, but it almost doesn't need it, it feels like. We had mad tons of new people last weekend for "tastings" night. Like four rounds of orientation, to get them all processed in. It was INSANITY. The dungeon was packed! Tonight is the mid-week party and I'm still a little on the fence about it. Oddly the main thing that competes for my time tonight is a computer project I was asked to do...for the club. I'm way behind on that, have had lots of other stuff going on.

And my younger son has an orchestra concert tomorrow. I am really looking forward to that. Going to be a tight fit with a necessary trip to the lawyer's office, but I hope to make it on time.

 

[Spork]

OH! I was just reminded, by a very random, barely related comment by a friend on Facebook, of this blog that I used to closely follow and absolutely love. Oh, it's the funniest thing ever.

So this woman has a British husband, who for the span of a few years, talked in his sleep almost every night. His sleep talking self is a completely different personality, very vulgar, insulting, and weird. So she started recording him. They named this person, "Sleep Talkin' Man" or STM for short. And she used to blog about it. Oddly, when their baby was born, STM pretty much vanished back from whence he came.

http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

And now I've found out she wrote a book! I bought it on Amazon, immediately. It is only a paperback, I wish she'd done a coffee table book, but it will do. I can't wait to get it!!

At least, unlike Regretsy, another of my old favorite funny sites, even if STM is no longer around providing new content, the old stuff is still there.

I don't know if I will ever get over the utter, total loss of Regretsy. And yes, I do own the book, and no, it isn't remotely enough. So sad. I wonder if there was legal trouble, and that's why the site got so completely nuked from orbit...

 

[YouAreHere]

STM and "Shit My Dad Says" were two must-reads of mine a few years back. Thanks for the throwback!

 

[Spork]

STM and "Shit My Dad Says" were two must-reads of mine a few years back. Thanks for the throwback!

You are so welcome! I just skimmed across one where he said, "Not the devil's avocado!" and I'm trying so hard not to snicker out loud...

Because that is SO my new nickname for a man's balls.

I mean, if a woman's clit gets to be the "Devil's doorbell"...

Yeah baby...that's right, strokin' the Devil's avocado...

BDAHAHAHAHAHAHA... omg I'm trying to be quiet...I can't breathe...fuck...

 

[Spork]

Came across a post on icesong's blog...

Spent a long time writing a message yesterday to someone on this site about the nature of security (hint: it's an illusion), and it made me think of this article I ran across a while back. It stuck in my head because the author uses the same "kintsugi" analogy I do for what being poly has done to me.

What no one tells you is that polyamory breaks you *open.* Everything you do after you have experienced this will be a conscious choice, an effort, an intention. You will be in charge of you – for the first time in your entire life. And it will be fucking terrifying…and then it will be amazing…and then it will be terrifying again. You will grow a thick skin and yet, you will know how to take your beating heart out of your chest and offer it to someone else with the best of intentions and tell them to “hurt you please.” (from https://seekingmybalance.wordpress.c...out-polyamory/)

For me, I think that's the essence of this - it's not exactly about NRE, certainly not just about sex - it's about *intentionally creating a life* that makes me happy.

And like her I suggest that anyone go read the whole thing. The quoted part, and some of what follows about how brave it is to be vulnerable and how we aren't taught how to love and be loved...

And the part quoted above, about intention. I do keep one foot sort of in the door of polyamory. It doesn't matter if I ever have sex with another human who isn't Zen ever again, and it doesn't matter if I have romantic "relationship" with another...I will have affectionate emotions, that's just me, I love many and I always will, I have a lot of love to give... The most important thing is how I conduct myself and behave, in whatever I am choosing. To recognize that monogamy, even the most traditional forms of it, are only one of many choices. Not more right, merely because it's more common. You can choose it, or choose something else. But whatever you do choose, you should act lovingly and respectfully to the ones you love and try to relate with.

I took the road through poly, and also through BDSM, to learn some of these things. I'm not sure that either was strictly necessary, but as I often say, if that is where you have to go, to get the wisdom, exposure to the ideas, the skills to step into a higher level of relationship handling... When we have conversations about whether poly is somehow superior, and people talk about poly people having better skills. No, not necessarily. It's the community, it's the realization that others have things to teach and you could learn some new ideas. It's not about how many people you're screwing or dating or kissing.

And for all that poly has taught me a lot, I think my BDSM community has possibly taught me just as much, maybe more.

Empowerment in submission, freedom in bondage, bliss in agony, joy in tears. Shaped with intent, powered by love. It's pretty damn great really.

....................

Stuff. So I went to the "mid week party" at Voodoo last night. At first, it was all volunteers, no one else. So we sat in the couch pit, discussing policies and how things were going with the club and ideas for how to improve certain stuff. Then a woman showed up, who had previously reached out both to Zen and me on fetlife. A few other relatively new members showed up, too, but attendance was seriously sparse. It would have been a fantastic night for anyone who wanted to do really long scenes, to totally occupy a corner or a piece of furniture the whole 4 hours.

Ah well.

So the new woman, I will nickname Tank Girl because she has that character tattooed on her leg, and as her profile pic on fet. She is a little older than me, but not very much. Mid 40's. My instincts told me that she had some sort of a history with hard drugs. I had the sense that she had some issues, but somehow I also had the feeling that the worst of those are in her past and she is doing a really good job of getting healthier and recovering. Like I felt she probably was sober, but with a history of drugs and hard living, basically.

But because I didn't know any details, I simply held myself back from her a little bit, but encouraged her to come to the club. I reserved judgment until I learned more, but I was wary.

Basically I was VERY SURE, although without a lot of factual evidence to back it up, I felt a strong certainty that she had used hard drugs before, and that I would find out more about this voluntarily from her at some point...but I was unsure but hopeful and had a feeling, that this was in her past, not her present.

Well, as I suspected she might, she opened up to me last night, and she confirmed what I thought. It was about a decade ago, and she has worked her ass off to recover and to get a degree and build her career as a surgical assistant. She's pretty darn awesome actually. I'm glad that I waited to see, and didn't close the door on possibilities with her, just because of my first impression and concerns around that.

So she is new to all the kink stuff, has only ever experienced in context of rough sex play in private with men she was involved with. She thought that maybe having all of these rules in place at the club would stifle and restrict the whole thing, make it feel forced and not fun. She also did not understand how or why anyone would do "play" like we do, without it being related necessarily to sex.

She ended up buying a toy, and so did I. Then she wanted to try it out. So I topped her a little bit with a sort of very thin cane (she called it a switch, but since "switch" means to me a person who both tops and bottoms, I will still call it a sort of tiny cane.) I didn't go too far and neither did she, but she barely dipped her toe in the feeling of subspace and she seems intrigued. She also seems particularly interested in me. So we will see, I guess, where that goes, if anywhere. I'm not pushing in any particular direction, but I admit that I remain curious and intrigued about her, too...

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I'm at my hairdresser's right now, reading STM, trying not to laugh out loud. Thanks!

 

[Spork]

You are so welcome. I love that site! I need to hunt up some new favorite funny sites that are more active and current, sometime, maybe.

In the meantime, I'll look forward to the book, which should arrive soon since I ordered it with speedy Prime shipping.

So plenty of stuff going down.

My older son at one point, the 18 year old who lives with family friends in the south part of town, Ninja... He had a girlfriend, who proved to be, as he puts it, "crazy." OK well that is maybe inappropriate shorthand for the fact that her home life has been rough and she's got some maladaptive behaviors that have caused her issues in her teenage relationships, and will likely keep doing so until she either gets help, or does a ton of head work on her own with the help of whatever resources she can get. Some of her stuff, taken one bit at a time, isn't a big deal...but all put together, it is impossible for a teenage boy to cope with, even if he's getting laid.

She identifies as a werewolf. She is extremely clingy and writes long, emotional letters. She gets massively attached pretty much instantly, when she decides she even wants to pursue someone, and if they don't go along with her needs, she gets very upset. She has panic attacks and demands company, and will walk for hours to get to a boy's house, or demand he come to hers, so she won't be alone, and threatens to harm herself if he does not comply. She gets depressed and neglects her personal hygiene. I feel deeply sorry for her, because she needs a lot more help than any teenage boyfriend is going to be able to provide, that's just the long and the short of it. She needs support, healing, and personal growth. And I hope she gets it before she really wrecks herself.

So my older son broke up with her as gently as possible. I found, and kept, some of the letters they wrote back and forth.

In a twist of drama... She moved. And now she goes to the same school as my younger son, Q. The one who demanded I buy him condoms because "sex could happen at any time!" and has tried and failed to get a girlfriend this whole school year, and is struggling with "she looked at me, WHAT DOES IT MEAN??" and generally is swimming in hormone soup from hell right now, at age 15 and in 9th grade. *sigh*

So first she asked him if he could put her in touch with his brother. Q said no. Then she decided that if she couldn't have Ninja, then Q would suffice. And she wrote him this long letter that went on and on about how alike they looked and how even if it's too soon, she was in love, and so forth. Q was confused because while he would love a shot at having a girlfriend (and sex, which he knows she gives pretty easily)...he did not really expect some random girl to climb (metaphorically) onto his back and start unloading her problems on him and demand he be her soulmate for ever and ever and make sure she'd never feel alone and AHHH! Like it was so MUCH, in the way she does. I had a conversation with Q. I told him that I forbade him from bringing her to our home, I don't want her to know where we live. I reminded him of the content of those letters she'd written to Ninja and how demanding she could be, and I said, "This is MY HOME. I live here, too. This is my very hard line in the sand, and you cross it at your peril." As for him "dating" her...well, the rest, I said...I understand you're a teenager and will have to learn some things the hard way. But my very strong advice to you is that this is a bad idea. Out of all the reasons I gave him, the one that stuck was this: She clearly is primarily interested in your brother. Do you really want a girl who mostly likes you because she looks at you, and sees someone else? That's kind of lame, don't you think?

That definitely got through to him, he HATES being held up to his brother for comparison in any way.

So yesterday, he let her down as easily as he could. Today he says, "she won't leave me alone." I told him to talk to his school counselor about it, but to definitely inform them IMMEDIATELY if she threatened to harm herself. That is a card she likes to play, and I want my boys to understand early that you can't let people hold you hostage or manipulate you with threats against themselves.

He remarked to me last night that oddly, after he "broke up" with her (even though they were barely even a thing)...several of the other girls he had tried to flirt with before, have approached him and started showing him interest and attention all of a sudden. He wondered if it was because he was "taken" for a minute or what. I said, well, if nothing else you have shown everyone that you aren't so desperate and thirsty that you'll take literally ANY option to get some action that lands in your lap. That you have some standards and some sense of self respect. That speaks to confidence, and there's nothing in the world girls appreciate more.

So...that happened.

Then there was news on the bankruptcy front, that pleases me. There was one transaction that I thought I was stuck with, that I am not stuck with after all, in this, and being able to get off the hook with it makes me VERY happy.

On the down side, another piece of information from my lawyer yesterday is that some of my GWAR memorabilia, notably my art, notably my most valuable piece, which I accurately reported my ownership of and the value of, may not be considered "exempt" property as I had thought under the category I'd put it in, and so the trustee in the case may try to seize it. But my lawyer said that I can first argue that the market to get its value is going to be difficult for the average person to access (private groups of collectors, and about half a dozen of them in particular who would be able to pay what it's worth)...and you can't just sell this thing at a pawn shop or something, it's not a Picasso. And if it comes to it, and there is no budging the trustee and they want to demand it, I can make a cash offer to try and keep it.

He said the same about my son's musical instruments...but none of them are really worth very much money. They were all cheap student versions, ranging from a blue saxophone that was such a piece of junk I almost wish he WOULD take the damn thing (my kid can't play it, not because he can't play, but because that instrument is garbage) to a viola that was a small student model that was used by teenagers and beat half to death for 5 years...to a cheap, off brand acoustic guitar. Really, the seizure of any of those things would not be the end of the world, but it would upset me on principle of my problems touching my son's personal belongings. And he can be kind of sentimental about his material possessions, even if he never uses them.

So I guess...we'll see.

**
EDIT: Since I know you do tend to check in here, Zen, please be for checking your email my lover...there is one important thing in there about how stupid early I have to get up tomorrow morning and how that may affect our plans... the rest is just me and my jibba-jabba. Muah!

 

[Spork]

Oh, another thought worth talking about in ye olde bloggo.

Mother's Day is coming up.

I was just reminded, by a post a friend posted. She is the single mom of a bunch of kids, I don't even know how many, but more than I've got. She says that she can't stand Mother's Day because her kids never even remember it and it makes her feel used and unloved. Boy, oh boy do I sympathize with those feels.

When my kids were little, the schools would have them making cute things to give to Mom. And they would bring home whatever little thing it was and with joy and pride, hand it over. I have kept those things forever.

It became a point of contention that I often went out of my way to plan elaborate celebrations of Father's Day, and my ex's Birthday, and buy him Christmas gifts. But unless I bought things for myself, I didn't receive anything on any of those holidays...or if I specifically said, "I expect you to buy something (or take the boys with you and buy something) and here is the money, here's exactly what I want, and here's where you get it." And then he'd be like, "can you drive?" and I'd be like, "Nevermind, I'll just get it for myself" more often than not.

It was a big part of the resentment that built up between us, at least on my part. Love languages, I guess. I gave him a lot of gifts and service, which he didn't even care about that much, and he wanted sex and words of affirmation. Maybe. But my kids were not taught to think of me, on Mother's Day.

My youngest said, not long ago, that a friend of his was raising money selling drawings so that she could buy her Mom something for Mother's Day, and he wanted to know if I would give him any money to give her.

I sat, silently. Thinking about how my son, was asking for my money that I work to earn, to make sure that a woman he would never meet would get a gift, to impress a girl...but I knew he wasn't even thinking of doing anything for me.

And I just quietly said that no, we couldn't afford it.

Zen said, he assumed I had plans with my kids for Mother's Day. Neither of them have said anything to me about it, so no, I really don't. I have been considering, since the weather will be nice, maybe I could go pick up Ninja and take Q and we could go for a hike. I won't beg my children to make me anything or to do anything nice for me. But for my own part, I might want time with them, especially the one I don't see so often anymore, and miss.

Motherhood has become a little touchy all around, honestly. Last night at Q's orchestra concert, there was a video to celebrate the seniors who are graduating. These happy kids...there were pictures of them as little babies and as they are now, all grown up. Looking all successful and polished like upper middle class American kids do, and all. And I think about my family, all busted and scattered...my oldest living apart from the rest of us with friends because I don't have room for him. My youngest squeezed into a small room in our apartment. Everything I wanted to give them, how I used to give so much, and how it all fell apart, and how their Dad just doesn't even seem to care. I looked at that video of those seniors, pictures of them on trips to fun faraway places with the orchestra that I'll never afford to send Q on, and how Ninja isn't even graduating and at his school they're probably heaping on the nostalgia and the "celebrate our graduating class" and he won't be one of them. The whole fucking thing, you know?

Being a good Mom used to be one of the cornerstones of my whole identity. Now I feel like such a failure at it, I just can't wait for it to be over. And I halfway sort of wish I'd never even tried, just because of what a mess it all wound up being. Or at least that I'd tried with someone who could have stuck it out somehow until the job was done. I love my kids. But if I think too hard about how much I love them, it really breaks my heart.

So Mother's Day. Yeah. I'm not sure.

 

[Spork]

So Zen's friend got impatient that I'd blown off responding to him for a couple weeks, and he blew up at Zen on Friday. That sucks. I don't want to be the catalyst for the end of a long friendship, but I sure wish that he would treat Zen better.

But I can't own this dude's behavior choices for him. Throwing a fit because I didn't make him a priority, and because he misunderstood the intent behind some of the things I've said (he thought I wanted to "convert" his friend and/or his wife to BDSM...I never did) was his choice to do.

I don't know. But tonight I will do the thing with the word doc and I think I have it worn down to the most important points...

1. Apology for the part where I overstepped bounds in speaking to his friend, which I did. I have no problem owning that.
2. Clarity on the miscommunication. I'm not trying to convert anyone to anything, but I don't want to be forced into a closet.

(Analogy: "Why do you have to talk about BDSM?" Imagine you have a gay friend. You tell them they aren't allowed to talk about gay things around your wife or your friends. Then you give the impression that you think being gay is all about pervy sex, and not love or relationships or community. The gay friend is not allowed to contradict this or explain anything.

Would anyone expect the gay person to put up with this, or choose to be in this friendship? "Why do you have to talk about gay things?" Because I'm not going to sit quiet, and submit to someone judging something that has brought me more joy and authenticity than anything I've ever done in my life. I don't need this.)

Which brings me to point #3:
I'm no threat to his friendship with Zen. He might be, with his behavior choices, but I am not. I have the RIGHT to opt out of being his friend, for myself, but I damn sure do not tell Zen who he can spend time with. He makes his own choices. If the friend wants Zen's time, maybe he could BE a good friend worth spending time with, not a demanding thrower of tantrums, and I'm sure Zen will make time for him. A friendship between me and him, or his wife, or his friends...just isn't necessary. I'm not being hostile, I'm just being neutral.

And neither Zen, nor I, will tolerate him attempting to manipulate me via his relationship with Zen or Zen's relationship with me. That's bullshit. No one is putting up with that.

I think that's really the important stuff right there, though I will tweak the wording on some of it later on.

Oh, and the morning after the day of screaming and yelling that left Zen all emotionally bruised, the friend was demanding that Zen "do him a favor" of coming and taking photos of his wife's graduation. Zen was like, "no thanks, I'm busy, and I am angry and don't want to be in further conflict with you right now" and the friend was all:

Fine, I thought we were friends of 20 years, but if my friend of 20 years won't do me a favor, I'll find someone else to do what my friend of 20 years won't help his friend of 20 years out with. FINE.

This. This is what I'm talking about.
So petulant.

*sigh*

I think my biggest frustration is that I think Zen deserves better treatment, but at the same time I know it's not my place to judge his friendship (of 20 years!) with this guy.

So anyhow. We went to Voodoo and played Cards Against Humanity Friday night, that was fun. Then Saturday we spent much of the day together (mostly in bed ) and then went for a little while to Reecy's Homecoming and Album Release party.

Yesterday...Mother's Day... I slept until I felt like getting up (and the cat felt like I should be getting up.) Which was about 8am. And I decided that I would spend a relaxing day doing whatever felt happy to me. I was not going to reach out to my sons and beg attention, love or effort from either of them, I was going to have a GOOD DAY, on my terms.

I needed to go get some groceries, though, and Q wanted to go with me. So we were at Walmart...and he started having this attitude. It started when they didn't have the specific KIND of doughnuts he wanted. Then every time I asked if he needed anything, he refused to answer and looked sullenly away from me and gave me this weird tense silence. Finally I gave up and just powered through the rest of the shopping trip. Then he eventually said something that pissed me off, and we fussed at each other a bit. Turns out his silence during most of the shopping was because he didn't want to ask for anything, and spend my money, and he figured I might use my money to get myself something for Mother's Day.

Whatever man. I was fed up with him. My older son didn't even bother to contact me, so much as to send me a text or anything.

Again though, I'd decided to have a good day. So I was thinking I'd relax, maybe nap, and call my own Mom later on. Then I got invited by Fire to hang out, so we ended up going out for Italian food (YUM) which Hefe paid for, and Reecy was there, and then we went for a lovely walk through a pretty part of north-downtown.

We were a bit close for comfort, to Worm King's house...within a couple of blocks, and I ended up having a conversation with Fire about him. Seems he and she have talked, in the not terribly distant past, online. He has a few drinks some nights and reaches out to people. He has said more than once that he might come out to Voodoo. Well, I'll eat my hat if that happens, he used to say the same thing to me. I don't expect he ever will. He has expressed some remorse at his treatment of me, though we don't know how sincere it is, it's nice of him to say. I guess my main issue with him now is that I liked him...and I feel like the self respecting way to be, is to be utterly dismissive of him, in theory and on principle. But at the same time, I liked him and I cannot deny that fact, and if he just showed up and was around, I'd have a hard time really wanting to dismiss, reject, or ignore him. I would want to interact with him. My interest would spark up regardless of how he acted before, and regardless of whether he is trouble for me. I have to be honest with myself about that.

And I don't need that. I have Zen in my life and I want no temptations of the male persuasion. Most of my male friends aren't really tempting, in ways that compromise my commitments to myself or to Zen. There is enough unresolved intellectual mystery around Worm King, that I have a hard time not being intrigued, whether I want to be or not. And I think that "not" is the better choice. If he became a physical presence in my community, I'd probably have to build and maintain boundaries that would take effort to keep solid. I would...but it would be a task.

So we had that talk, Fire and I.

And the food. I had a delicious calzone, and alfredo sauce, and Reecy and I shared this mud pie thing with cappuccino ice cream. Our walk was lovely. We played on a climbing wall at a playground.

Then home to meet up with Zen after he got off work. He brought this very amusing French film called "King of Hearts" and we had (more) ice cream...it was a good day for it, warm and all...and lots of lovely snuggles. I love him so much...his hands, his touch, his face, and voice and sex and mind and heart and everything about him.

And I had a wonderful night's sleep with my cat curled up on my feet. But I do recall that I had a dream...almost a nightmare, but not quite...that Fire and Worm King had actually dated and had a sexual encounter, and I was upset--not that it had happened, but because I did not know--and he was at a Voodoo thing and I felt blindsided by the information, to the point where I was upset and just left. It was a weirdly stressful dream. I don't think that this has happened, I frankly am just not sure he's her type or she would mess with that, but it isn't something I'd feel justified in speaking to or having a strong opinion about regardless. I think it was just leftover crumbs in my brain from the day's conversations, shaking loose in my sleep as it were.

Oh, and today, Old Wolf has been messaging me to know if the boys did anything for me for Mother's Day...he said he didn't reach out to Ninja to remind him what day it was, and he feels like a jerk for that, and would apologize...but I said, nah, it's not really a big deal. They're teenagers, and I'm not bent about it now. I made a conscious choice to just enjoy my day as much as possible, and the kid not getting in touch didn't ruin that. We went back and forth a little until I started to wonder, "Does he actually WANT me to feel hurt about this?" (he can be spiteful that way sometimes)...but eventually it got dropped. I had my moment last week, felt a little mopey about the overall situation, but got over it. And I did not want to get into all that with my ex...that mostly any sadness I've felt is a greater sense that things didn't go the way I wanted, it's the bigger picture, where the family is broken and I didn't give my kids the full upbringing I'd wanted to, and I have a sad envy of whole families that love each other and show it.

Sharing my feelings with my ex just isn't something I want to keep doing.

So that's my little human dramas from the weekend. Probably sounds worse than it is...*shrug*...none of it a big deal, just stuff.

 

[Spork]

Books

http://dearauthor.com/need-a-rec/if...-careys-kushiel-series-hosted-by-val-kovalin/

Came across this, and since this series of books (The Kushiel books by Jacqueline Carey) are strongly suggested reading for pretty much everyone I know, and among my favorite ever books...

This is a fairly easy overview (no spoilers) that gives a person an idea of the main characters, their motivations, the tone and pace and so on.

Also, I am interested in finding "if you like this series, you should read that series" type suggestions. But it's tough to find what I like about Carey's work in other novels.

I love the pace. For me, it is just well described enough. I don't want a book to gallop along so fast that I cannot imagine the scenes properly, nor do I want it to get bogged down in redundancies or over-explanations. Good lord, I read Jean M. Auel, starting around like age 11 or so, with "The Clan of the Cave Bear" and she just can spend an hour talking about the nature of the fucking dirt. I really don't need to be ONE with the loess and frankly the fact that I knew damn well what that word meant, when I was 11, is almost a hardship I would bestow upon no one. She took "wordy" to whole new levels, and coming from me, that is something.

But florid hyperbole or no, Carey doesn't get more bogged down in the details than I can handle. I feel she gives just enough. And yeah, there are a lot of characters, but you get a strong feel for the most important ones quickly enough. If you find you're getting lost in the cast and can't recall who's who, it probably isn't important and you can just push onward. But even though some of the characters are incidental when they first feature, and don't have to be committed to memory, they tend to pop back in later in some way...for me, this is part of the joy of having read the series many times. The first time, some stuff will slide past you. The second, you'll connect more dots. But most importantly for me was that, unlike some of the "cardboard cut-out" types of many books I've read...her characters, from the most involved plot movers to the most trivial cameos, are so well described you can almost smell them.

And I love the historical fiction element, and the wide-world-exotic-cultures adventure, the swords and a dash of magic stuff, and how even though romance and sex is an important part of the stories, it's not the main point, and it's never tawdry. I find the sophisticated flavor of these books downright delicious.

Now if I could find other stories that bring this much to the table, I would read them...I'd read them so hard...lol...

EDIT: "If you liked these books, you might enjoy Game of Thrones."

No shit, ya really think so??

(OK, that clenches it, I haven't read the GoT books and now I need to.)

 

[Spork]

Well, last night was productive. It was the sort of evening that makes me feel like I can line up my goals and knock 'em down, and my life will actually maybe work out alright.

I got laundry done, and dishes, and actually cooked real food, and wrote up the letter that I would send to Zen's friend (I sent it to Zen first, because if it causes any fuss, he'll be dealing with that, and maybe he would rather not.) I was able to limit the volume of the letter to one page, which for me, on a subject that I find stirs up a LOT of stuff for me...that is a challenge. I know, not everyone loves to read and one page is maybe too much, according to many, but it was the best I could do. It was a mix of me being accountable for those things I believe I should, and the reasons I don't feel that he and I must be friends, and my own position on stuff mostly as stated yesterday.

There is a line in a song, called "I'm British" that goes, I use ten words, when two would do, honestly. Given that most of my ethnic background as far as I'm aware IS British, I found that both amusing and appropriate.

The Sleep Talkin' Man book I ordered has arrived. I got a used copy off of Amazon for a total of $5.99, and it's certainly worth it. It's hilarious!

And I made this food stuff. I pulled everything from the fridge I needed to get eaten before it was in peril of going outdated (I'm pretty careful about aging my food and don't take chances with spoilage)...and I made a delicious thing with it.

I might have gotten overzealous with the cheese, if that's possible.

This involved garlic infused flatbread, olive oil, pepper, bacon bits, eggs, bourbon sauced pulled/shredded chicken breast, and oh...eight different kinds of cheese?

1. Cheddar sauce
2. Mozzerella sauce
3. Crumbles of Irish cheddar w/porter (bit of pop!)
Shredded:
4. Colby
5. Monterey Jack
6. Asiago
7. Parmesan
8. Romano

Yeah. Eight kinds baby. It looks a little horrendous, but it tastes like savory, cheesy heaven.

I needed to use the chicken, the eggs, and the flatbread...but it never hurts to hit the cheese. I tend to have an awful lot of it around. That's another thing that Zen and I share, we are both cheese fiends. Our home should be called "Maison de Fromage"...Welcome, friends, to the house of cheese... I'll design a crest, with a motto that is like, Latin for "It ain't easy, bein' cheesy." It'll be great.

 

[Spork]

Oi. Well.

Zen read my letter to his friend, and he was already familiar with the points I felt the need to make:

1. Apology for the part where I overstepped bounds in speaking to his friend, which I did. I have no problem owning that.

2. Clarity on the miscommunication. I'm not trying to convert anyone to anything, but I don't want to be forced into a closet.

3. I'm no threat to his friendship with Zen. I have the RIGHT to opt out of being his friend, for myself, but I damn sure do not tell Zen who he can spend time with. He makes his own choices. I'm not being hostile, I'm just being neutral.

And also a fourth point:
4. I am too soon out of a harmful marriage/divorce situation, and being around another couple's troubled marriage is hard for me. I find myself projecting too much, and I have tried very hard to check myself on that when it's still in my head, but my thoughts have aligned that way more than once. I don't want to do that, but I fear that the situations are too structurally similar and triggery to me. It makes it hard for me to be properly objective.

All of these, I thought, are rational arguments for me to just step back to a neutral place, neither "friend" nor hostile. I literally had in my mind, this image of sometime in the years to come, Zen's friend and Zen having a lovely visit in the living room of a home I share with Zen, and I could cook and put food out for them as they watch a movie or MST3K or something, and kiss Zen on the cheek, say a polite hello to his friend, and then leave to go out or to do whatever of my own projects (of which I have plenty to occupy myself.) Zen doesn't expect me to be glued to his side at all times. I think it could have worked. But it would require his friend to accept that he does not control the script and cannot demand things of me, and for us to have a particular orbit around each other in Zen's space.

I can do this. I'm not sure that he can.

I get the feeling that things are either his way, or tantrum city. And it's unfortunate. But I won't roll over and show my throat just to keep the peace.

And there is the matter of his wife. She doesn't have many friends (that he knows of) and he had hoped that she and I would be friends. He told Zen that he hoped I would "call her on her bullshit" and he has also asked Zen to be present during their fights to take his side against her. He wants people to gang up on her and help lecture her on how right he is and how wrong she is, and I am NOT the one. If anything, I am and would always be sympathetic to HER, and if she and I were "friends"...to me, that means she could come to me any time and say anything she wanted, and I would listen, and neither "call her" on anything, nor particularly, take her words in confidence back to either Zen or his friend, or necessarily anyone. Frankly, I think that's the kind of friend she needs, and while I'm not sure I'm the person who could be that, if I had to be anything, that's what I would be trying to be. This would offend him a LOT. A friend he can't control who doesn't take his side, parrot his position, help keep her in line? A place for her to speak her mind where he can't see and hear, judge and respond and fight her over her ideas? Ohhh no. He wouldn't like that one bit.

She has people at work she talks to, she has on occasion said that some of her positions were supported by those people, and her husband, Mr. Mansplain, responds to that by discrediting them and calling them names. Dried up old bitches, I believe, because they were understanding of the fact that she wasn't revving with sexual desire for him. (She is WRONG for not wanting sex with him, you see.)

And it isn't just stuff that Zen has passed on to me, even in the limited interaction I've had with these people, his own words paint the picture. As does her subdued, disconnected demeanor. He thinks she's terribly shy. Yeah, she is AROUND HIM. Personally I think there's a lot more to her, but I sure won't expect him to see it, because he does everything he can to suppress it in her.

So I sent the very diplomatic word doc to him, yesterday, after Zen said that the sentiments and the tone were reasonable.

And this morning, I woke up to walls o' text sent after midnight (thankfully my phone doesn't wake me.) I have no issue with walls of text. But he accused me of being a coward hiding behind word docs, because I won't meet him in person. (He is one to always talk over others and dominate and bully in verbal conversations, so of course I'm not doing that, and he's not happy to be deprived of the opportunity.) And he told me that my position couldn't mean that much to me if I won't defend it in person, and that we needed to meet and hash this out because that's how "real friendship" works. Um. I think I pointed out that I hadn't really consented to "real friendship" with him, and it's kinda funny to me that he's wanting to mansplain to me how "real friendship" works when I've got PLENTY of real friends in my life. Oh and the other reason he wanted to meet me in person was so that our mutual friend (Zen) did not have to be "punished" for what was between us.

Well, I most certainly have not set out to "punish" anyone. But he sure punished Zen when I avoided dealing with him and didn't make him a priority for a couple of weeks. But I don't see where that had to happen, although I suspect this is someone who does feel that provocation excuses bad behavior. Again, why do I need to defend my position to him or work to be friends with such a man?

His long missive concluded with "Just admit it, you don't want to be my friend."

Well...I kinda already said that.

What's funny here is that I can recognize that he and I aren't completely unalike, both of us are capable of certain judgmental, opinionated or stubborn ways. But as with my feelings about interaction with so MANY other people in the world, I haven't the slightest desire to wage war trying to force my subjective reality to be acknowledged as objective truth. I respect the bubbles of others, even if I've got my opinions that are contrary. I don't try to beat people over the head with "how things are" or need to be for my own comfort. I would much rather just pop smoke and vanish from a conversation, than waste too much time in conflict...and if that makes me a coward in the eyes of someone like him, then so be it. I can live with that.

But I am smiling at a memory, when Old Wolf and I would disagree and I was very stubborn, and had all the rationale in the world to support my position and wasn't shy about presenting it...he would very often respond when cornered with, "You're right and I'm wrong, you're perfect and I'm flawed." He would say it like a platitude, and he played that card when he had no further arguments to make and he just wanted to shut me up. It INFURIATED me. And what amuses me today, is that I bet that phrase, if used on Zen's friend, would drive him completely insane.

But ya see, any part of me that is willing to engage and involve...winds up going to a nasty place. A place where I use my understandings of people against them. I don't like myself, when I think that way. It's ugly. I don't wanna. This last barrage was designed to engage me, and much like being in a conversation with an internet troll, I think I'm better off not going there, whether I could "win" or not. I said my piece. He can take it or leave it. I don't have to "defend" it.

The suck part is that if I don't engage, he will try again to push Zen's buttons to try and get to me, because I don't see him giving up. I said it before, that I couldn't simply say nothing to him, he wouldn't let that be and would force a confrontation. I don't think he'll stop until he's sat me down for a lecture, or forced Zen to end the friendship so that he can say, "See! Everyone around me is unreasonable!" Like even if he loses his friendship with Zen, he "wins" because he gets to blame me (anyone/others) for his hardship. I've seen insecure people nuke friendships the minute everything was not under their control, just so that the end happened on their own terms, before, and then blame the other person.

But at this point I feel like I still have a place of "high road" because what I sent him was calm and reasonable. If I continue to engage to a point where I become heated and say anything unkind, then he gets to point at me as the one who made it hostile...it doesn't matter what he says, he can be as hostile as he wants, he's just trying to provoke me into a reaction.

And to compound matters, my stubborn refusal to follow his program will undoubtedly continue to incite tantrums, which he will invariably aim in the direction of others around him. Not only Zen, I would bet my buttons that he's unloaded on his wife about how upset he is and how awful I am and thus given her stress she didn't need. I feel very remorseful for that. But again, as I expect this would not be the last time I refused to conform to his demands, I see a situation where he holds the peace of others as leverage to make me comply, and it's a game I just want to AVOID.

This is about much more than my desire to speak openly about BDSM or sex. This is me seeing that I'd have to be socially submissive to this person, or else resign myself to being lectured and fought with, or take the other option and simply not deal with him, even knowing that choice leaves others on the hook. But I cannot take responsibility for him, though.

What would Aunt Jeanette do?

She would type (on her typewriter!) a carefully worded and very diplomatic letter, and then send it, and then disengage and refuse to be provoked into further dialog. I will follow her lead, as I strive to emulate her at her best.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Aunt Jeanette is a wise woman!

 

[Spork]

Aunt Jeanette is a wise woman!

I want to talk about her, now, because yanno what? She's a happier topic.

Aunt Jeanette was actually my Great Aunt, my Grandma's sister. She never had children and was widowed in her late middle age. When I was a troubled teenager, I was sent to live with her.

She was not well understood by other members of our family. They thought she was cold, snobby, more wealthy than she really was, and that she "thought she was better than other people." I, on the other hand, saw this classy, sophisticated, beautiful human being. She was smart, independent, and simply refused to be pulled into childish quarrels.

My grandparents thought I loved her because I wanted to cozy up to her and get an inheritance. I actually had to argue with them, after she died, that I did NOT get any of her money. She did name me in her will, to take whatever of her household possessions I might want. Struggling to fight my episodes of crying, after dementia took her and she was put into a home, I went through her condo and mailed boxes to myself...but it was mostly sentimental items that made me think of her. Lots of old photos, for instance. Nothing that would make me rich. In fact, I left behind many valuable things because they would be auctioned, and the funds provide for her care...we didn't know how long she would be in a home, and I wanted her to be in the nicest one possible for as long as needed.

She left all of her money to charity. As she should, and good for her. She was something of a philanthropist. She gave to her pet political causes, the World Wildlife Federation, and the Cincinnati Art Museum, among others. She volunteered at the Hospice and at the Nature Center. She attended symphony, and supported the arts. All of this I did by her side when I was 17-18. I adored and admired her.

When I visited her in the home, and when I saw her home empty of her presence (and I also took the time to clean it to pristine perfection, because she wouldn't want anyone to see it dirty)...I cried and mourned. But when she died, I felt joy. Because she was free. Dementia is horrible.

About the typing thing though...when I was a teenager in her home, if I did something wrong, she would type me a very professional sort of a letter, and leave it on my bed. I came to dread the sound of that typewriter, if I knew I'd acted out of line...

In the months following her passing...I had it in my head that I was wanting another tattoo, and I had the money to do it. I didn't quite know for sure what though. One day I walked by a portrait that I had on my wall, of Aunt Jeanette in her youth. This picture would have been done in probably the 1950's. I decided I needed that portrait on me, to honor her. It simply felt so absolutely RIGHT to my spirit. So I drew up the sort of cameo frame and the roses, and found an artist who specialized in portraits to do it for me.

The funny thing is, she really did not approve of me getting tattoos. Though when I showed her the ones I had done on my ribs she said, "Well. I guess those aren't TOO bad." lol I think it would make her laugh to know I had her face tattooed on my leg. Also funny, how my Mom once remarked that it would horrify Aunt J to know her face is in such a place as a BDSM club and all...but I'm not really sure. Aunt Jeanette was not as prudish or uptight as my family thought she was. She just didn't engage in very intimate dialog with many people. She and I were close enough that I got a lot more "girl talk" out of her than my family ever did.

Anyhow. It was still healing when this was taken. I should probably find a more recent image sometime. *shrug*