The story of Spork.

You probably do have PTSD, Spork. I've been diagnosed with mild PTSD. While certain of our experience have similarities, my ex was neither crazy nor cruel. He was a caring, gentle man plagued by demons and addictions who sometimes lashes out and hurt those he loves. Emerald and Ruby also have/had some PTSD.

I agree. We do not need to be doing anyone else's emotional work. It isn't our job, we have enough work to do on our own. Plus it doesn't allow them dignity or growth from taking care of their own emotional wellbeing.
 
I have not really felt like sharing too much today. I'm not sure how to feel about things. I think I'm not alone in wondering if all of the "processing" gets overboard at times. Where is the line, between doing a healthy thing of figuring yourself out and trying to overcome issues and find your own truths...the work most people do in therapy, as it were... and being ridiculously self absorbed, or self centered?

When I commented on Magdlyn's post, I guess it resonated because in times where the Worm King pops up in my mind, I am like "wtf, why do I still think abut this dude?" and her talk about sex drive made me feel like, maybe I just have an abundance of sex drive. And if Zen is not present for me to focus on, my mind wanders to the next most intriguing person after him? But it isn't about him, it's about me. I mean, why WOULD I still be thinking of him, given how I know beyond a doubt that I would not be with him again? Only because of feelings I had (not for him, just feelings in general) and the brain's propensity to try and connect dots. Full of restless sexual urges and nowhere in that moment to exercise them? Well, when was the last time you intensely felt that way and couldn't do anything about it? Maybe when the flaky guy was bein' flaky, and you couldn't get together with him when ya wanted to? That WAS a pretty intense experience of that feeling, with thwarted NRE and all.

I didn't think it through, I always just pushed it aside without contemplation, when thoughts of him intruded in my mind. I never really processed it much, just hoped one day it would stop. So Mags' post got me thinking, "Why indeed?" And I spouted off thoughtlessly, because I didn't feel I needed to run straight to Zen with every last idea that blinked to life in my brain, and I didn't really think of it as keeping a secret, either...I mean, I didn't send it privately. I just plopped the thought down right where it happened.

I didn't mean to, but I think I triggered some really painful feelings for Zen.

He did ask me if I needed or wanted to renegotiate things, if he was cramping my style, if I wanted more freedom or something like that.

The answer, today is no. The answer tomorrow will be, no. The answer next week, next month, and very likely next year...no. The answer if Worm King sent me an invite to his home, would still be NO.

I have everything I need in this relationship. I can be monogamous, not kinda sorta nearly poly or some shit, and be good with that. The only thing that I need that might be questionable now, I seem to have fucked up myself, and that is to be trusted by my partner.

That's the tricky part. I'm struggling with it. Don't know how much I feel alright getting into it today. I'm a little (lot) triggered right now, too.

I feel like there have been things said now and again, and things done, by Zen, where I have jumped straight to "Of course I don't hold this against you, I accept you in every way" and even moments of hurt or discomfort, sometimes brought about by things he said and didn't mean to hurt me, but they did, but I know he didn't mean to, so I said nothing and got over it. I feel like I would forgive him for anything. Like that's part of how I show love.

That put me in a place last night of feeling unforgiven for things I have done, and even things I did NOT do, but someone suspected or projected onto me, and of course in the way one does negative self talk, one looks at every meaningful connection one has ever had. Parents, friends, family, former partners...and sees all the times others did not trust, no matter what I did to be good, thought I was bad, and eventually turned away. Meanwhile I'm over here forgiving everybody, not feeling like I get much of that back from anyone. Took me to a pretty bad place. Around 6:30 or so I had a good hard cry about it, until I felt empty and numb and snotty, then I picked myself up, cleaned myself up, and went and put on some moody music from my teenage years and worked on my puzzle. Eventually I went to sleep on the couch.

I was better enough when Zen got home, to go snuggle with him, and eventually to wake up from my dozing and drowsing, and initiate some sex, which was wonderful and needed. I don't know if it was reality or perception, though, but I felt like he is still kind of emotionally bruised and there were some walls there, that I'm not used to. I can't say why that's what I was sensing, and maybe I'm full of shit, but that's how it seemed to me.

I'm just afraid now...once you go down the road of damaged trust...I've never had a situation where someone close to me, really regained it. They usually spun out more and more thoughts that confirmed the paranoia, and made them want to look for more, and it fed on itself until it destroyed everything. I hope I didn't let a demon into my relationship that cannot be banished. And frankly, it hurts how easily my loved one doubts my character. My negative self talk voice says it's only what I deserve, I must, because according to everyone I'm not a good person, even my kids don't really want to be close to me anymore... People only like me until they know me.

I am feeling petulant and I know, it's not appealing. I hesitated to even post today. I don't know if I will take a break from my blog or stop doing it, but I might restructure and try to do less of...this...digging around in my head, stuff. I'm not really liking me very much right now.

In other news, I got a filling and my son got like four or five of them or something. It went well. I need to grocery shop after work so I'm getting home late, on top of needing to stay late and make up some time at work. I have a training at the club tomorrow, a group on Thursday, and then there is GalaxyFest this weekend. Voltaire is performing on Saturday night, and he usually is fun to see.

I feel like I need to quit spinning my mental gears so hard and try to be simpler. Just stop fussing about everything and live for a while. If I have any fun stories I'll still share them here, though, but there might be more days I skip the blogging. I'm kind of tired of my own brain. I dunno.
 
Feeling better about life right now. This has to do with interactions with Zen, clearing the air on a situation (not Jersey guy, another thing) at the club with a friend, and some various thoughts in the last day or so.

I spent some time yesterday, dreaming up some designs for some bondage stuff and a scene I'd like to do with Zen. I was mentally trying to reverse engineer and be creative, thinking from a place of, "I wish to feel immobilized in THIS position, and for it to feel like THAT." One of the main problem, even with rope or scarves (which bunch up) is the bulk and tightness and narrowness of the restraint medium. I'm thinking of creating wider bands of some kind of stretchy material, and sewing in large patches of velcro, so it can be snugged and fastened in various places. I want to feel firmly immobilized but not uncomfortable pressures. This could be used (in theory) in areas like above and below the knee, keeping the knee in a bent position, without digging into the skin. If I sew D-rings to these bands, in strategic places, then straps or ropes can be run through the D-rings like on the sides, and then tied to each other, or off in other directions, for positioning. Also, Zen is sometimes concerned with my ability to get out of restraint on my own if I had to, say, if he had a heart attack or something like that happened...and in the case of velcro, I believe I'd be able to get out of it if I TRULY had to. The restraints we've done so far have not felt quite right to me, not only because of the "digging in" discomforts when such existed (mostly with scarf bondage when the fabric bunched up into like a "rope" effect) but also that often I can still move too much. I don't feel truly "stuck" in a position as much as I'd like... Also we have been playing with the idea of video (which for me, probably takes more trust than everything else we've done put together.) And I've been thinking of how I might like that to go, with aesthetics like what I am wearing and positioning and so on. Also mental schematics for a gag and blindfold that would fit better, more securely and comfortably.

And I'm thinking, rather than typical "kink" aesthetic, with the black and red, or leather or lace...I want to go full "cutesy girly." Why? Not only because I think Zen might like it, but as significantly because it's so outside of my normal comfort zone and typical identity that somehow oddly that is a turn on for me. I've learned that in order to really push the yummy sex buttons, I have to be willing to be a bit psychologically uncomfortable sometimes. And that with a trusted partner, that can actually be a lot of fun.

So.

I am unfortunately a bit stressed though, because we have an event this weekend, GalaxyFest After Dark, and the club has a presence there and I'm helping out with it, and I really want to be there Saturday because Voltaire is performing. And Q wants to go spend time at the mall on Saturday, and I don't know which mall, and he will need transportation, but I've told him that I have committed myself to something that evening...he wants me to help him set up Uber on his phone. Well all of this I could work with and/or around well enough one way or another. But to add an extra bit of "ugh, shit" we're supposed to be getting snow all afternoon. So by the time I'm supposed to go, and come back, from GalaxyFest, we might have 1-3"...or less, or more, or ice, or something, or nothing, who really knows...and I also have to worry about Q, and if he gets an Uber, I have to worry if they are a good snow driver or not or if the service will even be way limited due to the weather or...just...what. I need to call the ex, and talk to him, because Q doesn't want to play in the weekly roleplaying game they do, and because maybe I could get him to give the kid a ride home...

That stuff is on my mind, but otherwise, life is ok today.
 
Oh, additionally, wanted to say that Zen really made me feel a lot better, and a lot of that had to do with a series of very loving emails he sent me yesterday. I am such a "words of affirmation" person...the right words do so much good for me. So that was just wonderful.

Also that I'm struggling by on little sleep and not handling it the best today, too, even though I'm ok, I'm very tired. I stayed up for Zen, which I should not have, and just as I was giving up and going to bed around 11pm, he came in the door. I had a few minutes with him and then went to bed. Then around 3, Ninja was cussing and yelling at his computer and woke me up. I went and yelled at him. What sucks about those situations is I'm furious at being woken up, and in an angry state with my blood boiling and heart racing then, I can't get back to sleep easily. :mad: Finally did, only to have the cat start messing with me about an hour later. I might need a nap before we go to our discussion group later on this evening...
 
Oh, joy!! I found a new song to be obsessed with.

Zen gave me a Rolling Stone that is cover to cover about David Bowie. I am enjoying it immensely. Although he was seriously arrogant and "pretentious" (using his own words here) he is in some ways a little kindred-spirity for me, as he was a Capricorn and possessed by the same stony ambition, restless spirit, need to build something, and tendency to self-invention. I've reinvented myself a few times in my life, if not so dramatically.

I'm loving how I can spot the snark in the interviews he gave from the 70's even, where he would say utterly shocking things to interviewers and spout off wild fragments of odd logic and fantastical theory in a manic sort of way. Always needing to be MORE. Love that guy, my god, what a multifaceted gem.

So then I'm embarking on listening to some of his music that I wasn't familiar with. In fact, I've only taken in certain bits of his creative work, but most of what I have heard I've liked a lot. In particular I ADORE the album 1. Outside, which he made in collaboration with Trent Reznor in the mid 90's. In fact, that was the first concert I ever attended, with those two, as a teenager. It's a brilliant album.

So I'm going to first explore everything he has done since then. I have started with Earthlings, and found that the song, "Dead Man Walking" is just...fantastic. I can listen to it over, and over.

Here is an odd tale of two dead Davids.

The first, my honored friend, the late singer of GWAR, Dave Brockie. In the last months of his life, he started telling friends that he was going to create a secret underground organization to take down the global power, just...the government, the authority, whatever. He called it, "Black Star" and we were never to speak of it. He was going to change the world. And then he got wasted backstage one night and told some interviewer about it, it's mentioned on Youtube in a video someplace. Guess he forgot it was supposed to be a "secret?"

And then he died.

What is the name of the final album of Bowie's life, which he created as he was dying (and knew it?)

Blackstar.

To the best of my knowledge, these men did not know one another or have contact with one another, and it is merely an odd coincidence.
 
I mean, these lyrics, you guys...

Three old men dancing under the lamplight
Shaking their sex and their bones
And the boys that we were
An alien nation in therapy
Sliding naked and new
Like a bad tempered child
On a rain slicked street
 
I have not seen the HBO documentary...

And Leetah, wow...just...what?

Thing is, Bowie wandered ALL OVER THE PLACE and I have always known that I won't love everything he's done, but he wasn't trying to be that guy. I don't know if a single person exists who loves all of his work, that would be kind of weird.

I am intimately familiar with 1. Outside. That is the Bowie I have always loved. I will never forget the feeling, when I was way out in the field at this amphitheater and this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nNF9aQ_BhE
...was performed, and it SHOOK THE EARTH, probably for miles. I get goosebumps recalling the sheer power of it.

I get a little annoyed at the fact that too many are completely unfamiliar with newer Bowie, and only recall his stuff from older eras that was on the radio. He was dark and delicious and decadent in a time of my life when I was reaching for that, when I would sit enthralled whenever the video for NIN's "Closer" came on...this was like that, only even better.

So today I am pretty pissed off. I wanted to get into my online banking, I hadn't had a chance to record my paycheck on Friday in my records and all that. But my bank has been bought by another bank and is in transition right now. I cannot log into the old, nor yet the new. I have about a ton of documentation they've sent me on how to deal with the transition smoothly and happily, and yet. My issues...

1. New bank has new fees. No fee-free option, unless I completely change my banking habits to either leave a pile of my money just sitting around in my account, or use my debit card constantly. Screw that, no. Fees make me angry.

2. No branches near me, it would be an hour's drive or more...and no fee-free ATMs near me, either. Unlike my old bank, and many banks, they don't partner with any ATM networks in typical stores like 7-11 so that you can avoid fees. I would have to drive over an hour.

3. So I tried to log into my old online banking this morning and it's deactivated. I went and followed the directions to try and log in at the new bank's site, and it said it needed to send security codes to my phone. Listed two possible numbers for this, not only was neither mine, there has ONLY EVER been ONE phone number linked to my account, and it wasn't either of these. I have no idea what these numbers came from.

4. So a brochure I got said that their phone service center would have extended hours with specialists able to help us during this transition weekend. I am well within those hours right now. I tried to call the number and got a recording saying, "Our offices are closed" and it hung up the call.

So basically my paycheck is trapped in bank transition limbo, I cannot visit a branch or ATM at any time easily to do banking, and I'll be paying more for the privilege of all this hassle in fees (fuck that so much) and they have mystery phone numbers affiliated with my account that is making me paranoid that someone has used this chaos to impersonate me and attach their own info to my account, and who knows...by the time I get in, maybe my money is gone. I'm just....AGH! This is an accounting nerd's nightmare.

I already opened accounts at a credit union that many of my friends use. I just need to get my direct deposit switched over and all of my auto-pay stuff...but yeah, I wish I'd gotten all of this done sooner, this clusterfuck is making me nervous and angry.
 
I called the bank this morning. They deliberately put wrong phone numbers on the account things to prevent people from trying to sign up for online banking prior to noon today, which is when they are "opening that up" for us. We were just supposed to be cool and not need our funds or anything between Friday morning, and noon today.

I'm so glad I'm switching to a popular credit union here in these parts. They seem better in pretty much every way. I used to bank with Wells Fargo, and enjoyed doing business with them, but had to change institutions when I declared bankruptcy last year. My lawyer advised that I not even consider doing anything with them again for at least ten years, if ever, given that I discharged a significant debt I owed them. *sigh* Well, we will see, maybe I'll feel as loyal to this credit union in time, I know a lot of folks swear by them.

So this weekend...I went to GalaxyFest on Friday night and tried to help out with Voodoo things, giving out flyers for our program of activities and getting people to check them out, but in honesty so many of the folks I tried to talk to were really weird and awkward about it, just not that interested in kink stuff, so basically I walked around having odd conversations that often led to nothing. I would up, then, putting the flyers out on tables in one of the event rooms where burlesque shows were happening...and then people began to take them. lol...OK, well. Funny to me that I've got an easier time talking to vanillas about kink out in regular life, than I did at a sci fi con...but whatevs. I wanted very badly to be there on Saturday, but it snowed and the roads were dangerous. I decided that it was unwise to venture out, just for a fun activity with friends. I missed the Voltaire show, and that sucks, but I did not risk my safety or my vehicle, so I'm ok with it.

Zen and I spent a great deal of time together, Saturday and Sunday. And he gets off early tonight, so I'll get to be with him some more. It's wonderful how being with him reels me back in to myself and what is true and good, and re-centers my love and meaning. If there is confusion when I'm not with him, it is so easily banished when I am.

This morning, I was remembering when I was a teenager, and the few times I was really into a boy, and it didn't work out (nothing really did for long, back then) and I think that probably most of the Worm King issue is a matter of rudely interrupted NRE. I'd welcome (a lot) the perspectives of any other posters here, on this. I think that when you're into somebody in the early phases, whether they are "right" for you or not, they're pushing some buttons for you and it's all exciting and shit, when they end it before you feel ready for it to be over, maybe those are the ones who stick in your mind for a while. It feels something like a loose end that never got properly tied off, although it's not. (In the sense, particularly, that I am not the center of the whole universe and he was just as involved in our connection as I was...he was ready to be done with me, but I was not ready to be done with him at the time.) Like maybe one has to feel some kind of closure on things at times, and when there is no satisfaction in that regard, you get that splinter in your brain that takes more time to dissolve? Because I do recall as a young gal, pining away for a few of the boys I'd been with, when I had hoped for more than they had to give me.

What do you think, polyfolk?

I do know that it was a major turning point in letting go of most of it, when I found out that his behavior with me was a pattern for him. Because prior to that, I had no real reasons at all for it. He kept saying we would get together again, and it kept on not happening, and I never knew if I'd done something wrong. That piece of knowledge, that he just...does that...to people...well, it resolved some of the feeling of mystery at least.

Prior to that point, I was thinking of him very often. In more recent times, rarely. Probably nothing to be done but let time do its work. I don't long for any of the boys from my distant past; the years have faded my memories of them. It happens.

Zen and I are discussing some new conversational tools to help us communicate things more effectively at times. Two pairings:

Sandbox vs. Reality
Thinking vs. Feeling

Today I am Sandbox-Thinking. No feels, nor any particular intentions, beyond enjoying my happiness with Zen and trying to stay centered, are behind my ruminations today.

Sandbox is the term from coding in computers, where you create a virtual environment that doesn't have the capacity to break any of your real code or system stuff, and you can play and experiment and learn, and it's a good place for thoughts that haven't really run their course. If one of us is trying to work through a process where some of our ideas could be hurtful to our partner if taken too seriously, it could help to preface it with "I'm sandboxing" so that we know...this is not the final destination for this. And my partner is not considering DOING anything, they're just trying to work a mental puzzle and figure shit out.

Versus Reality, where saying that you are wanting something or considering something can and should be taken as a desire to negotiate for it.

And Thinking is shuffling information and coming to logical conclusions, and obviously feeling is well...dealing in emotions. And the functional difference in my mind on those two things, is that if you're Thinking, then your position can be argued or debated on its logical merit (or lack thereof.) But I don't believe that feelings/emotions can be debated. I don't believe it is valid to tell anyone, "you shouldn't feel that way." We feel what we feel. We can overcome or change our feelings, but it usually takes time, and a lot of processing, to do that. Therapy, almost, of some kind, even self-therapy or with friends, or journaling.

So you can argue with thoughts, but not feelings.

However, I also believe that the basis for decisions and actions should be thoughts, rather than feelings. Thoughts that have faced the challenges of logic or debate, internally or externally, and that have been found to be solid, are the best basis for decisions. Feelings can spawn thoughts, and thoughts can spawn feelings, but it can be helpful to recognize those bits of difference between the two.

Like for instance, my feelings told me that I was in love with Zen, but we had to devote some thought to whether it was wise and good to move in together. Making choices without that thought, is the action of an immature person and one prone to making mistakes, and needing the learning and experience to know not to just leap into things. I think that Zen and I are both reasonably mature people, at a place in life where we've got some perspective and are hopefully less likely to allow a feeling or a green and untested thought that needs to spend some time in the sandbox, push us to unwise or risky actions.

Anyhow I'm feeling quite a lot better today than I was last week.

And in all honesty I am not entirely sure what my problem was last week, either. It isn't the first time I've felt nebulous emotional distress looking for a place to happen, but it's like...I was not at a point in my hormonal cycles where that should be happening, it was just as likely the alignment of the planets or a bad spirit or a fit of the vapors. I was simply unsettled in my self and I don't truly know the whole why of it. Or...why then, why not now? Today I am feeling far more connected with reality, I've got a to-do list, and I'm getting shit done, and I just feel capable and functional, grounded in what matters and free of troubling distractions. Content.
 
Thank you for articulating a couple of concepts I've been pondering for a while, without having a fitting term or succinct way of describing them.

Spork said:
This morning, I was remembering when I was a teenager, and the few times I was really into a boy, and it didn't work out (nothing really did for long, back then) and I think that probably most of the Worm King issue is a matter of rudely interrupted NRE. I'd welcome (a lot) the perspectives of any other posters here, on this. I think that when you're into somebody in the early phases, whether they are "right" for you or not, they're pushing some buttons for you and it's all exciting and shit, when they end it before you feel ready for it to be over, maybe those are the ones who stick in your mind for a while. It feels something like a loose end that never got properly tied off, although it's not. (In the sense, particularly, that I am not the center of the whole universe and he was just as involved in our connection as I was...he was ready to be done with me, but I was not ready to be done with him at the time.) Like maybe one has to feel some kind of closure on things at times, and when there is no satisfaction in that regard, you get that splinter in your brain that takes more time to dissolve? Because I do recall as a young gal, pining away for a few of the boys I'd been with, when I had hoped for more than they had to give me.

What do you think, polyfolk?
Click to expand...

I know exactly what you mean! I can't say this really happened to me when I was young. I tend towards the sapiosexual and rarely crush on people and didn't have many boyfriends or relationships when I was a teen.

However, this is exactly what happened in my relationship with Jester, at around the eighth month mark. He didn't dump me. Or ghost. We didn't break up. But all of a sudden, the intensity of feeling he'd been exhibiting toward me and the time and energy he'd been investing in "us" seemed to diminish dramatically.

He claimed he still loved me as much. Was still as attracted and committed as ever. (And yes, we are still together.) However, he seemed to lose focus as other life challenges arose (school, health issues.) And as I later discovered, he'd fallen off the wagon as far as substances were concerned around this time.

Thing is, he never gave me an adequate explanation at the time, and his attempts to rejuvenate communication and sex play have been hit and miss over the past couple of years... leaving me feeling, idk, "stuck"... or like something is permanently missing/gone, never to return.

It just sucks because how things WERE in the beginning was SO perfect, so right, for us BOTH. He was so happy. Giddy, even. Then for whatever reason he spooked, put up walls, started using again. And though things are still good, for the most part, and we truly love and remain committed, it DOES feel as if someone yelled "CUT!" and when filming resumed, the picture quality was just duller, fuzzier... the sound lagging... the acting poorer... there were plot holes in the script that were never quite explained.



Sandbox is the term from coding in computers, where you create a virtual environment that doesn't have the capacity to break any of your real code or system stuff, and you can play and experiment and learn, and it's a good place for thoughts that haven't really run their course. If one of us is trying to work through a process where some of our ideas could be hurtful to our partner if taken too seriously, it could help to preface it with "I'm sandboxing" so that we know...this is not the final destination for this. And my partner is not considering DOING anything, they're just trying to work a mental puzzle and figure shit out.
Click to expand...

Thank you for this. I wish I'd known this term earlier, or at least had this explanation at my fingertips because it sure would have prevented some major misunderstandings in both my relationships.
 
Spork said:
I think that when you're into somebody in the early phases, whether they are "right" for you or not, they're pushing some buttons for you and it's all exciting and shit, when they end it before you feel ready for it to be over, maybe those are the ones who stick in your mind for a while. It feels something like a loose end that never got properly tied off, although it's not. (In the sense, particularly, that I am not the center of the whole universe and he was just as involved in our connection as I was...he was ready to be done with me, but I was not ready to be done with him at the time.) Like maybe one has to feel some kind of closure on things at times, and when there is no satisfaction in that regard, you get that splinter in your brain that takes more time to dissolve?
Click to expand...

Very much true for me. It's why I took longer to get over HipsterBoy than we were actually together...
 
For what it's worth, I think that I have been mostly over Worm King for a long time. I think I let go most of it when I found out that he had a pattern of behaving the way he did with me, and a friend knew like 3 other women or something that he'd done the same with. My emotional attachment for him, such as it was, evaporated, along with "Oh. It really wasn't me at all, was it? It was all you. OK."

The lingering...whatever...that has stuck around has been almost a muscle memory, a bit of some sort of association. Where I wasn't putting any effort into directing my mind, and I wanted this, and my brain answered, "that?" instead. Like if you eat tons of fruit flavored candy, and one day your body has a craving for real fruit due to some nutritional need, but you just unthinkingly pop a piece of candy in your face to "satisfy" it out of habit... It becomes too easy to not put any effort in, and to let the brain pattern play the way it has, then brush it aside, rather than to ask the real questions, to give it thought. To do the work.

(Actually the more accurate candy analogy would be if instead of eating the candy, I said to myself, "but it's so bad for my teeth" and then dismissed the craving and got on with my day.)

I have done a lot of the thinking I needed to do. I'm sure I'm not done uncovering true things. I've shared a lot of it with Zen. Sometimes though I just tire of the subject, even in my own thinking. Hell, sometimes I tire of myself. But every big truth, and I sort of know by feel when I have reached one, leaves me feeling just a little more liberated.
 
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Well, this weekend, I put into motion some plots and schemes to celebrate the combo holiday fun time of Valentine's Day + Zen's Birthday. I have come up with some fun ideas for his actual Birthday next week, also.

Last night, we gave one another cards and treats, and he also came up with something delightful and creative. He took words and ideas from a favorite film of his, "How To Train Your Dragon" and wrote up this long thing, "How To Train Your Sadist." Printed with fancy font, on fancy paper, poster sized. It is goddamn adorable and I need to get it framed.

I have some creative ideas for an art piece, but trying to make art has been problematic. This happens sometimes where I just cannot execute art very well, and may have a lot to do with letting myself get out of practice. Like some things are always pretty easy...dragons, for instance, usually are, for me. But dragons aren't the subject material I wish to accomplish now, and I'm struggling. It would come as no surprise to Zen that I'm trying to do something in the realm of erotic art, as he collects the stuff.

After a couple of hours of futility, I finally did something odd, in an effort to...get inspired, and also change my headspace and my flagging self esteem. I've got to work on loving myself, and there are areas I struggle with here. I locked myself in my room, then in the attached bathroom. I used a mirror and some creative positioning to um...self portrait my own parts. This was not particularly with an aim to making art for Zen, it was just an exercise. I rarely look at my stuff unless I'm shaving or washing or something like that, and I have this vague notion that I don't like that part of me very much. I have yet to meet a woman who is perfectly secure with all parts of her anatomy and appearance, even the most beautiful, and this is one of a number of my own insecurities. Somehow, seeing the art installation with the wall of various lady business cast all in white (plaster?) was helpful at one time, and I recall feeling a bit "well, they are all quite unalike, and they are all quite nice..." But funny how real photos of the real thing, let alone my own...not so much. Some are lovely. Some relatively, not. I have friends (from the scene, so I've...seen...) whose appearance in that regard, I frankly envy. Somehow drawing the lines and shapes and shadows in pencil without color helped me. I felt a bit more peaceful about things, even if I did not then move on to make progress on a new artistic masterpiece. My ability to make art is, if anything, even more connected to my ideas of self esteem, but body image is in the same wheelhouse somewhere.

Then...because why stop there?...I decided to alter my personal grooming. I was just going to trim things up some, as I typically maintain a bit of cover on the upper ranges of the territory and a clean shaven undercarriage below, but somehow I did the modification and felt like, "well that just looks stupid" so then I shaved it all off. I've done that before, and did not like it in the past, and have not done so in a very long time. I wasn't sure if I was happy about it last night, until later after Zen came home. I informed him, during commercials as we snuggled in our underwear watching TV, that something was a little different about me. Eventually, he guessed, "get a new tattoo?" LOL no. (God, he'd have known, the amount of deliberation that goes into new ink for me would be a major discussion)..."Cut off a toe?" What? No... "Get your hair cut?"... I said, "sort of..." And then he guessed.

I'd say from the point of the guess, to the point of exploring the new feature, he had a rather dramatically positive bodily reaction that told me, "Well! He really likes both the idea and the reality of this, so I guess I don't hate it after all!" Maybe I will keep it this way for a while. I'm not sure if his appreciation was for specifically that, or just the novelty of it, but I'll take it.

I sometimes worry that with some of the issues and emotional turbulence with regard to various points...both on my end, and sometimes on his...that I have made mistakes that have put our intimacy at risk. There are times I fear that the recent process related to WK or my insecurities about porn or other things...put a kind of pressure on Zen or attach negative baggage to our sex life or our connection. I trouble myself with the conundrum that I don't want to do that...but I also don't want to bottle up my thoughts and feelings, either. Nor do I want him to. I want to work on putting some creative energy from my end, into our activities. I want him to continue to be excited and passionate about us. And I want to not feel doubts about his desire for me, as occasionally I do (whether connected to anything he has said/done, or related only to my own self image stuff) which render me shy and hesitant. I don't want inhibitions springing up on my end; I want our sex life to continue to feel like a fun adventure we're both happily undertaking--for both of us.

So to that end, I am working on ideas and ways to do them that are easy enough that we will actually get around to it rather than me just thinking about it, and I went to the adult store today and bought something that I hope will be fun. I won't say what, until Zen has seen it, but yeah.

Plots and schemes and lust and love.
 
It was a good weekend! I took Zen to a resort hotel and we spent Friday and Saturday night there. We rented "The Shape of Water" and I really enjoyed it, we had fun, fun sexytime and we just really enjoyed our time together.

Everything was super awesome except... There was some kids' hockey tournament going on in town, and they were all apparently staying at this place. Trying to use the hot tub was like sitting in child soup, there must have been 10-12 little kids in there with us. Oh, well...not everything can be a "win" every time! And my money worries, which I wish had not, intruded a little on our enjoyment of things. Mostly because my son needs his wisdom teeth out, and I'm already a little overextended due to other expenses the kids have had lately. But that will be ok, I'm going to apply for Care Credit and my ex says he'll help when he gets his tax money. It's just...I planned this little trip, and then got hit with some things I had NOT planned for, but had to deal with.

Lord, kids can be expensive. I'm so, so glad mine are so close to getting outta my hair. SO glad. *sigh*

I have taken tomorrow off to spend time with Zen, that's the actual day of his actual birthday. It'll probably be fairly mellow, there were some ideas I had, but the weather is looking yucky (really cold, at least.) At this point, I've got one "maybe" thing in the works, one "probably not now" thing I've set aside (which was a soak in these mineral hot tubs up in Manitou) and mostly I suspect we'll want to chill at home and be warm and have time together. We'll see. I have one thing I'm going to give him, but I have run into a bit of a predicament. He's a collector, and one would think that collectors, having many interests, would be easy to buy for...problem with that is a.) You never know what they already have or don't really want, because if they wanted it, there's a good chance they've already bought it for themselves. And b.) Gotta consider if they have room for it!

I mean, there have actually been art sculpture things I've thought it would be cool to give to Zen, but then I'm like "where on earth would he keep that?" lol so... There we are.

I have not, however, and will not, give up on my ambition to make art for him, and I've got thoughts in mind, I just have to keep getting in the creative trenches and working on stuff until I am able to make it actually happen...
 
I took yesterday off to spend with Zen, and I'm glad, since it snowed and commuting to work in the morning would have sucked.

It did get sunnier later in the day for a while, and we went out to eat. Mimi's Tillamook cheddar mac, heck yes! He had a salmon dish. I also bought him cake and ice cream. I gave him a cool single tail whip, which I debated about because it was a gift from someone else, but the thing is I have never used it and after learning how much finesse it takes to use one safely, I doubt if I'm ever going to take the time to learn it. It's sat in the same spot, on the same table, in my room, ever since I got it. It is a very nice whip, really too nice to just sit there unused. If the giver were the sort of person to accept a returned gift or recompense, I'd have done so, but we've been over such things and he simply does not. So. It was mine, I bestowed it where I wished. Maybe we get to a point where Zen can use it on me, and then at least I can enjoy it from the other end!

I seriously considered getting us private play time at the club, and even had started setting it up with the owner...it seemed like a cool idea, well...it IS a cool idea... But the weather wasn't really good for driving across town, Zen and I both prefer not to drive in winter conditions if we can avoid it. And he also wanted more advance notice of such a thing, as he would like to do some photography and video and he'd want to be better prepared for that. We decided to postpone that, and we stayed home for the most part, except for a brief expedition to grab a decent meal.

We did our favorite things...sex, streaming some episodes of a good show, and playing a board game (which in all honesty I'm getting a little addicted to, Lords of Waterdeep, it's really fun.)

I feel also extremely happy about keeping up with the housework lately, my home looks so nice and that helps me stay in a good mood. On Sunday I got around to tackling some stains on the carpet from where my idiot kids had spilled stuff they were carrying upstairs to eat or drink...just sprinkle spots down the hall and on the stairs...maybe milk from cereal, or possibly soda, who knows? But I took the spot cleaner and a stiff brush to 'em and it came clean. Looks so much better now.

Zen and I talked some yesterday in "sandbox mode" about what particular sorts of feelings arise at the thought of poly...and I think that is useful. It's like, now, and for the foreseeable future, I don't think I need to be poly, or even especially want to. It would be very easy to say, "well then why torment yourself thinking about it, then? Just do like everyone and say, that's weird and not for us" but frankly, I feel that I personally must be realistic about my own tendencies toward change in the long term. I'm not saying that I EXPECT one day to need to be poly, but I do expect that one day I will need things shaken up a bit in some direction. Like years from now when the kids are out of the house, I imagine I'll feel the call to adventure from time to time and I'll want to find some way to address that. Could just be traveling with Zen, which I would love to do. Could be more D/s stuff in our relationship, or exploring new styles of play. But I won't absolutely 100% rule out the possibility of wanting to explore some kind of poly one day either.

My thinking is rooted in that I hate giving up freedoms in absolute ways. I get upset at the idea that anyone would ask that of me. Demand that I permanently close doors or burn bridges to things I could wish to choose one day. I LIKE being free to evolve. So many people I talk to in the world seem to be looking for the permanently stagnant and non-changing final solution, like they want to lock in the relationship, family, home of their dreams and never change a thing until they die. The idea makes me feel confined and afraid. Even the idea of homeownership always scared me, like...what if I hate the neighbors? I can't just wait out the lease and then move? Are you kidding? I like having the freedom to change my mind, even if I don't really expect that I will. I like having options, and recognizing that every choice I make every day in how I live, was an option, a choice, and it was mine, and I can own it. It was not just "the way things are" or a rule I had to follow. It was my CHOICE. I chose it freely. Authentically and autonomously, even while I consider the feelings of others, there is no, "You can't do that, I don't like it, so it's wrong!" thing at work there. And I really do not like things like morals, ethics, and objective right and wrong, being tied to my sexuality. To honesty? Yes. Consideration? Sure. Just not sex. Throwing moral baggage on top of my sexuality is part of what killed it for me with the ex. I like enjoying sex. I really don't want to ever again feel like that makes me a bad person.

But anyway back to my whole "freedom to choose, freedom to grow" contemplation...

Last night, as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I considered the fact that I really don't care about GWAR things anymore. I love to tell my stories, I have cool memories, but being all up in the fan community, adoring the band members, putting effort, time, and expense into attending their shows...I just don't care that much anymore. A friend has been begging me for a custom frame for a band poster, for years now, and I've been putting him off, and it's finally come to "Look man, my heart just ain't in it, and I don't know if I'll ever do this. But if I do one day, it'll be a gift. I'll send it to you free of charge, ok?" And I was thinking last night, how wild that I've lost so much of my investment in all things GWAR. There was a time I used to think, I could not imagine a me who completely disconnected from that band and its community. Even while recognizing that one day I might fade out of it somewhat, like... I used to think I'd get a tattoo related to GWAR, right? And I used to think that would be a good idea. Like they were at least a permanent part of my life and would always bear some major significance.

Now, I am really glad I did not commit to a GWAR tattoo. I could more readily imagine myself getting something vaguely floral, than that. I am exploring my more feminine aspects, which there was a time I thought I would NEVER do, but I have had this freedom to evolve, and I'm enjoying that. I am glad I don't have something on my body that simply does not go with the me I am today.

And that's kind of what I'm talking about with this whole poly thing. I can't really imagine NEEDING it, with the way I feel right now. Yet I'm not sure if I'm comfortable slamming the door on it in a "forever" way. Making a promise that I will NEVER want or need it. Though it could very well work out like that! Mainly though, I just want to be trusted that I'd be honest about it, negotiate it in good faith, and that I do very much care about Zen and his feelings in all of this. I'm not unkind. I want to be loved for myself, even though I change, grow, age, even though I am not a static creature who remains precisely as I was when a partner and I first met...I want to feel safe that my partner can walk the journey with me.

And digging down here, I sometimes feel like ideologically I'm trying to stand my ground in making a case for my own autonomy and right to growth as a person. I feel like people in my past demanded that I only grow in ways to suit them, and that I deny my self. I don't want to be treated like a plant that has to be spliced and shaped and splinted to be what its keeper requires, I want to be loved for who I naturally am, and become. Even if I evolve in an unexpected direction (but kindly and with consideration to my partner--I am not completely selfish here.) I don't know if I'm even making any sense.

Probably I will be happy being monogamous with Zen. Probably I will be happy with him for the rest of our lives together. I very much expect so. The thought of breaking his heart fills me with horror. I believe that I can find a way to manage any needed change or growth in a way that need not spell the end for us. I am committed to try. I hope that can be enough.

So it is with this kind of thing deep beneath, that I do feel the "sandbox" exercises, contemplating how things make us feel, and why that might be, and so on...I think it's good. At the least from a self-awareness perspective. And I know one thing. I have never loved someone so completely and so deeply, and I've never felt so truly loved. I don't think I will ever need anything so much that I'd be willing to sacrifice this to have it.
 
Spork said:
Last night, as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I considered the fact that I really don't care about GWAR things anymore. I love to tell my stories, I have cool memories, but being all up in the fan community, adoring the band members, putting effort, time, and expense into attending their shows...I just don't care that much anymore. A friend has been begging me for a custom frame for a band poster, for years now, and I've been putting him off, and it's finally come to "Look man, my heart just ain't in it, and I don't know if I'll ever do this. But if I do one day, it'll be a gift. I'll send it to you free of charge, ok?" And I was thinking last night, how wild that I've lost so much of my investment in all things GWAR. There was a time I used to think, I could not imagine a me who completely disconnected from that band and its community. Even while recognizing that one day I might fade out of it somewhat, like... I used to think I'd get a tattoo related to GWAR, right? And I used to think that would be a good idea. Like they were at least a permanent part of my life and would always bear some major significance.
Click to expand...
It's interesting how our passions change.
At high-school, I was passionate about astronomy. I used to look up to the sky to see if it's clear any time I left a building. Then, at some point, I stopped. I used to play go and compete at tournaments. Thought about how I'd love to be a professional in that game even. Guess what, I still play sometimes, but I don't care about improving or success any more.
I used to think physics would explain the world. I was excited. Then I got involved with psychology. I think physics is dry and limited now.
I'm passionate about studying personal development. It feels like self-improvement is a real value to me. I expect that to fade in a few years too.
 
Tinwen said:
It's interesting how our passions change.
At high-school, I was passionate about astronomy. I used to look up to the sky to see if it's clear any time I left a building. Then, at some point, I stopped. I used to play go and compete at tournaments. Thought about how I'd love to be a professional in that game even. Guess what, I still play sometimes, but I don't care about improving or success any more.
I used to think physics would explain the world. I was excited. Then I got involved with psychology. I think physics is dry and limited now.
I'm passionate about studying personal development. It feels like self-improvement is a real value to me. I expect that to fade in a few years too.
Click to expand...

The common thing is community. I get really into big communities, for various reasons, that are anchored by some shared interest. I don't really need the GWAR community that much anymore now that I've got the kink community.

I kind of wish that Zen could have seen how it was when I showed up at some of those events though. It was surreal. There were people who, I shit you not, treated me like a celebrity. They would scream my name, run and leap at me, jump on me, and a couple of times I was actually asked for my autograph. People wanted pictures with me constantly, people whose names I could not remember, there were just so many. It was nuts. I am in so many photos from GWAR events, and I almost never initiated them (I'm really lame about making sure pictures get taken.)

I mean, as someone who has definitely been shy and socially awkward and not liked in my past, during some pretty formative years in my life, and who does, due to whatever factors growing up, question her value to other people...I won't lie, it was a rush to feel that validated.

But I kind of feel though, that the people around you will either elevate you or diminish you, eventually. While there are a number of people in the GWAR scene who were amazing, and I still love and respect, there were also a lot of insufferable assholes. And a few rapists, even. Like there were some bad folks in that mess, along with many great ones. But when I showed up the last times, excited about my new adventure into the worlds of kink and poly, surprisingly a lot of those people (freaky looking metal heads and punks rockers!) were really uncomfortable and even a little judgmental about it. Like they were cool with me when I was in a shit marriage, but I had their respect in my suffering, but then when I got free of it and wanted to party a little, I started getting side-eye, from a bunch of drunk ass, mohawk sporting, "who the hell pooped in the hotel hallway" motherfuckers. Just for talking about kink and stuff. LOL Actual members of the band GWAR, would get all uncomfortable if I started talking about BDSM parties. I was like, "Have you even actually heard the lyrics of your own band's songs. Like ever. The fuck, you guys??"

So...there will often, when I'm all up in a group, eventually come a point where I don't feel as tight a fit and alignment as I once did. And I'll usually move on when that time comes. I've always wished that didn't have to happen, though. Maybe this time it won't, who knows?

So last night I had challenges to my patience... Mostly computer problems. Our wifi is just not so good at home. I'm trying to figure out a fix to this, and I was struggling with a device I ought to be able to configure as a range extender / repeater but it wasn't working right. Very frustrating to me, as I spent hours struggling with it, and those were hours I did not really plan to spend on that activity. Then we didn't have the food I wanted to eat, and then I realized we were about out of cat food and I forgot to get more yesterday, though we had just enough to last until I go to lunch here and get more, I was annoyed with myself over the memory lapse. And my cat wouldn't stop bugging me for attention and then running away, wanting to play and...and...just things were annoying. Stuff.

Finally I scrounged up something to eat and took a nap, until Zen got home, and I felt better.

Q was actually concerned and wanting to be comforting to me, and Zen was, too. :eek: This morning, though...Q missed his bus, fell back asleep after getting ready for school, when I thought he was out the door and he wasn't, so I had to drive him to school. And so I was late to work, and it has already been pointed out to me that I could be doing better with regard to my punctuality. It's just these little unexpected things that pop up and steal precious minutes out of my morning, that I cannot afford to lose. I have to let my management know when I'm late and I did send messages to the appropriate people, but haven't received any response. I frankly have no idea if I'm in trouble right now, but I hope not.

On the bright side...I thought I was out of cigarettes this morning and I found another pack in the glove compartment, so I felt relief that was a stop I didn't have to make. It was a small "Oh, good" for my day, and I'll take it.

And Old Wolf has agreed to pay for Ninja's costs to get his wisdom teeth out, as soon as his tax refund comes. I would really love to see that man's tax return. I don't know how he is getting such a big refund. He ought to just be a single man with no dependents, and if he's claiming our younger son as his dependent in any way, then I need to know about that before I file. He shouldn't be, according to our divorce agreement...

Well, whatever. I'm off to eat sandwiches and buy cat food. Looking forward to hopefully relaxing after work today.
 
Well, I did a piece of troubleshooting on my computer issue yesterday, at least now I know that MY wifi problem (at least) is due to distance and interference between the router and my machine. Moving the router isn't really much of an option, because Zen wires directly into it with his computer, and I don't want to set up a fiddly wifi adapter on there, I would like to leave that connection intact as it is. I'm also not a fan of running wires (outside of walls, where you can see them) significant distances through the house, just to move a router to a better spot. So the answer here is to get a device to better the range and signal clarity of the router. I'm looking into extenders, repeaters, or powerline solutions. Something like that, that'll pick up and boost the signal.

I came to this conclusion because I carried my laptop away from my desk and downstairs, and set up at the table, and that is only one floor up from the router as opposed to two floors up, and it really worked much better.

In fact, I was able to get a computer version of the board game that Zen and I enjoy, "Lords of Waterdeep" going, and played it for a couple of hours last night. That was fun.

But there have been times, when I was frustrated with my tech in the last couple of days, where I was like..."And THIS is why I love jigsaw puzzles. No wifi necessary." I do think to some extent, I like being not entirely dependent on electronics for my own entertainment. I like to do things that have nothing to do with a screen, sometimes. Real books, used bookstores, puzzles, art, socializing with actual humans, messing with the cat. Those things tend to bring me a more real sense of happiness.

So I was halfway thinking it might be fun to go to a get together at a bar tonight, but last night I mentioned it to Zen and he did not seem too enthused. I am inclined to agree with him now, because the news guy said that we'd have snow tonight. A little bit of me wishes I was going just because I haven't had much socializing this week...no discussion groups or anything like that...but not enough to want to drive in snow. And I do love spending time at home with Zen.
 
Update on home networking stuff:

(I'm kinda happily geeking out at the moment, doing research.)

I am thinking that instead of:

a.) An extender or repeater, which will halve the bandwidth of possible connections to the network, most likely

b.) Powerline, with or without an attached access point upstairs, is possibly problematic due to electrical interference from the many other plugged in things throughout the house

I will attempt to use MOCA technology instead. This is, I guess, a relatively new solution...it's using the coaxial cable lines to carry the signal, instead of broadcasting it or trying to use the electrical wiring. It's said that coax lines can be a superior solution since there is often less noise on them. Gonna look into getting adapters and trying this...

Of course, I'm not surprised to read networking nerds saying that wired Ethernet is the gold standard, but I've never lived in a home (despite moving many times, and despite Ethernet being said gold standard the entire time, and despite WISHING I had Ethernet run throughout the house, every single time) that actually had this wiring installed. And I am NOT down for the process of trying to fish CAT5 or 6 or whatever through the dang walls. Especially not in a rental house that is likely not our final destination, where I'm not sure I'm even allowed to do this. It kinda blows my mind, every house is still wired with an old school phone jack, though I can't imagine I'd use that for anything these days, yet NO house has Ethernet, would would be super heckin' useful. *sigh* But no.

I told Zen that if we become homeowners at some point, I am going to have one of our (or my) friends who has done cable installation and wall fishing, come and run Ethernet to like every room. Hell, maybe I'll get my Dad to come visit and wire me up a nice home network. It could be a bonding experience. He's into that, he had Ethernet wiring in his house, like a decade ago.

Harrumph.

Meanwhile, I think I'm gonna try this whole MOCA thing, I'm curious about it...
 
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