The story of Spork.

I am a little...hurt? Annoyed? Frustrated? That the 2 women I thought were interested in play have gone silent in communications.

The first was the woman that Zen had played with, that I was all upset over in late April. Or rather was upset about Zen's behavior with regard to our miscommunication and how he was communicating with her, his NRE, whatever. All that jazz. I was, nonetheless, willing to consider us playing with her, I'm certainly not upset with her at all. And I gave no hint of any ill thoughts that she'd have picked up on, she doesn't read my blog here or anything. I dunno. But Zen was talking to her about us all playing and she seemed enthusiastic, and he said he'd have me contact her and we could get together and talk in person about some scene ideas. I messaged her to do just that, and got no response. I have no idea what's up there.

She will be at Game Night tonight. I have been waffling about going because I've got some other stuff that could really use doing at home, but they might need me in a volunteer capacity so I may just go ahead and go.

So then there was the other friend, who initiated a message to me saying she would be interested in negotiating some play. I responded with a few (really! Not a wall of text, I swear!) questions to get an idea of what kind of play she might be interested in... And silence. Crickets. No response.

I don't get it. I think, frankly, it's rude to just leave somebody hanging like that. It's not like I'm going to get bent out of shape if they change their minds or something. I just hate the ~silence~ for utterly unknown reasons.

*sigh*

Oh, and it doesn't help when I see activity updates from them both on fet, so I know they're on there.

So I guess I'll go to Game Night, and if the first woman is there, then I can ask if she's still interested in playing and maybe ask a few questions of her.

The other thing for me is like, if they figured they'd just show up at a party and be like, "OK let's do a scene!" without prior negotiation...like I can get down for some same old scene impact or fire, like anyone or everyone does, but I really wanted to do some more creative things. And I don't feel terribly comfortable negotiating those impulsively or on the fly. Guess I should have known, to add "People who suck at communicating" to my list of things I'm not so very interested in, in the writing I did on fetlife. Right in there with dating fuckboys and foot fetishists.
 
Saw the gal that Zen had played with at the party Saturday, chatted a little, she said she's been in a rather intense competition for a head pastry chef position and she has not taken the time to respond to anybody, but she's still interested in stuff so that's good. I mean, I was asking if she could get together in person, and that is a time commitment and she had no time.

Got quite a bit of fire play, sensation, and massage in on Saturday night. It was a good time!

I am planning to go to the photo night tonight...I'm tired, but I'll cope.
 
Life continues to be a mixed bag over here. Got some stresses at work but nothing I cannot handle. I was running late this morning and didn't have time to get my coffee together and I don't really like the coffee at work that much. Meh. And why was I running late though? Putting pictures on fetlife. I'm really trying to work on feeling better about my body, so that's part of the project. Getting photos I can look at and feel good about, and being brave enough to put them out there (even if some I still do as "friends only" since I do worry about who might see them sometimes, otherwise.) I got the photos from Photo Night at the club back, and I looked at them, and had so many criticisms. Some I won't share. I had one idea I wish I hadn't done, because I just look like an evil, malevolent hag in those shots. The photographer thought they looked evil in a cool way, but... Well I thought I would edit the shots I was going to share, and I did get permission from the guy to do that, so long as his watermark remained intact and credit was given to him. In the end though, I only did a very minor bit of editing to one of them. I honestly wonder if it would be noticeable to anybody but me, what I did there. But I figure if it made me feel ok about the picture and more significantly, myself in it...

So we've got a bit of a situation on our hands, I guess. The girl I had my little emotional dust-up over... I still have complicated "she's so much prettier than me, and everybody knows it and everybody likes the young, adorable girls and I've been bumped to an undesirable lower rank behind them/her" feelings. I'm coping as best I can, I know it isn't an attractive mindset to have, this envy. Lack of confidence and self esteem, in and of itself, I think, makes one (me) a less attractive human being. I get scared that even thinking/talking this way, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel less attractive, I whine about it, I make myself less attractive by being whiny. It's part Zen and how he feels sometimes and part things like, on Photo Night, I could barely snag a moment here and a moment there with the photographer, I don't feel like I was good at....being pretty enough for anyone to even want to take pictures of. But there were like many times over as many pictures of that one young woman, and a couple of others. Hers/theirs were cute, cute, gorgeous, sexy...mine where malevolent, blobby, gross, gross...in my eyes. I had hoped that the very talented photographer who runs those events would be able to get some shots that would...help me to feel pretty. Instead I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me but he was willing to squeeze in a few seconds in between the pretty girls he really wanted to shoot, and the results showed it. Oh but he did say one of the shots was "neat and busy" and I get that the composition and texture and detail in it, at least redeemed the fact that he was shooting ME. I don't know if I want to try again. It bums me out, honestly. I just was not prepared for the fact that very suddenly upon hitting 40, literally just this year, my world would get turned on its head and I'd feel like this.

But dear god though, I did not intend the thing that has happened.

Zen and I did a sensation and wax scene with the young woman he likes, the one I've struggled with all these nasty self-comparisons with, on Saturday night. We co-topped her. And I know that one thing is not connected to another, but the way I've felt is VERY much contributing to my feelings of guilt about it.

Somehow she ended up with some pretty scary looking wax burns on the underside of one of her breasts. I say, "somehow" because these candles are MADE for this kind of play. They are soy and paraffin, they have been used on other people, myself included, same bodily areas included, and there have been no problems before. Yet somehow... I have been trying to think, think, think, why would this happen? Like perhaps, though I tried to be very mindful of keeping the candles at a goodly distance above her skin, my attention (or Zen's) waned and my pour drifted down too close? Or did, perhaps, the wax damage her skin in ways no one could see or tell at the time, but her next partner do any rough play with her breast that the skin was too delicate to handle? I just don't know. She is not upset. She said she felt no particularly intense pain there at the time, she says that she wants to do it again, even! She shared photos in the spirit of "yay I've got marks!" but I'm scared half to death that these burns could actually scar her. We've recommended aloe but I'm going to look into topical solutions meant to reduce or eliminate scarring. At the time, too, I went over her stem to stern up close and personal to remove the wax, and I saw nothing of these burns, they seem to have appeared later.

I feel absolutely awful.

And while I know that this was 100% an accident...and I never wished any ill upon her at all... You know sometimes in a cosmic sense, it's like if anyone I had felt jealous or envious of had some misfortune, I feel an oddly exacerbated sense of guilt for it. I would feel that way even if this had happened and my hand hadn't been pouring the wax. I am not superstitious enough to believe that my feelings or thoughts had anything at all to do with it truly. Hell, my feelings were not really negative toward her, but rather myself. Anyways, it's just all part of a muddle in my head right now. I've apologized, reached out to our resident wax play expert, offered comfort and care, and I offered to bring her some burn balm (I have some pretty good stuff) and Zen has talked to her as well, and so has the wax guy who she has also played with in the past (just not with wax.)

She was reassuring to me that she had a great time and wants to do it again, but did not express any desire to get together for me to bring her the burn remedy I've got or anything.

But when Zen messaged her, she suggested he come over to put lotion all over her body. Also, during the scene and at other times when we have talked, I just have this feeling like she isn't that into me, but she is into Zen. She will talk to him about interacting with me, I think because she knows it piques his interest, but I feel like a prop in a Zen-and-girl scene, thinking about it sometimes.

So I just... I want to make things right for her. But I'm just not sure about topping, right now. I'm feeling less than confident about it on a few different levels. Bottoming, assuming whatever risks on my own person, felt safer, AND it really fulfills me more. I realized recently too, that maybe it's just service topping I don't like that much. It could be different if I had a connection with the person I was playing with, that the energy they were expressing were directed at me. But yeah. Feeling like a serviceable prop in someone else's scene, that's how I've been feeling. All of the intimacy is between the other people, and I'm putting energy into it but it isn't flowing back to me.

I don't know but I may need an actual relationship of some kind, with someone who wanted to submit to me personally, or at least had a strong attraction and seemed jazzed to be playing with me in particular, in order to feel enthusiastic about topping. And running into a hazard that I didn't even see coming, didn't even expect enough to negotiate for the risk and possibility, has me shaken.

It's so odd, too... I'm interacting with a few very attractive (to me) women, including one co-worker I'm very fond of, and I would like to see something more come of a connection with such a person. Yet with men, I always know, beyond a doubt, when they have enough desire to act upon, when I could have them sexually if I wanted to. I always feel so uncertain with women. This one woman has sent me what seem to be many positive signals (not the gal Zen plays with, but my coworker I'm talking about now) yet she says on her fet profile that she is "straight" and I cannot tell if she's just the kind of straight woman who enjoys flirting with her friends. But at least, I did tell her that I'd really like to play with her once she feels comfortable playing at parties. I wish it did not always feel like, "You say you like me, but do you LIKE ME, like me?" with women.

Though I am encouraged that she says she is interested in the Dominant side of the slash, because I really feel so much better being a bottom/sub, I think. Or at least, it makes me feel worthwhile, because I feel like people wanting to top you means you're attractive, desirable. The pretty girls "get" that kind of interest. So part of my difficulty has been with people telling me and telling me that they see me as this badass Domme woman means they're telling me I'm not pretty enough to be desirable as a bottom or a sub. I'm the wicked old lady now, I ought to just accept I can't pass myself off as the pretty/cute/whatever that anybody wants in a bottom/sub type. I can give the deserving pretty girls what they deserve that I don't anymore.

I know that is not true, don't think people intended to say that, but when they urge me to step up and be that, my heart takes it that way.

Anyways. I'm sharing my own stuff, but lest anyone think it, I am not self centered, it's not that I'm over here bitching when I've hurt someone and they should be my real focus. I am focused insofar as what I can do about it, which is to say I've taken responsibility for the accident and for not knowing that this was a risk, consulted with people I deem more knowledgeable than myself, offered apologies and care and comfort and advice about healing. I don't know what more I can do for her, and I feel I'm doing what I can there. The rest, is just me processing (as usual) and trying to figure out where in the hell I'm going from here.
 
So part of my difficulty has been with people telling me and telling me that they see me as this badass Domme woman means they're telling me I'm not pretty enough to be desirable as a bottom or a sub. I'm the wicked old lady now, I ought to just accept I can't pass myself off as the pretty/cute/whatever that anybody wants in a bottom/sub type. I can give the deserving pretty girls what they deserve that I don't anymore.

I know that is not true, don't think people intended to say that, but when they urge me to step up and be that, my heart takes it that way.
I think I understand a clash. I have a different personal spin on it, but I do very much understand. Idealist is a switch and would like me to top him more, but when my own sub needs are not met, that's quite impossible for me. Also, any time he doesn't want to top me, my feelings are like "do I not deserve your attention?". I can feel quite hurt and neglected when he'd rather assume the submissive role, even though I know it's all about his desires and not my deservingness.

I don't really dare asking those other men I am attracted to to tie me up, because I don't feel as attractive myself. (I'm a bit overweight.) I'm not sure how it would go if I did. It would be WAY easier to get submissives who want to be tied by me. But although I can be quite a good rigger, I don't want to. I've give a few beginners great sessions over the past few months, but it's not necessarily satisfying.
 
I think I understand a clash. I have a different personal spin on it, but I do very much understand. Idealist is a switch and would like me to top him more, but when my own sub needs are not met, that's quite impossible for me. Also, any time he doesn't want to top me, my feelings are like "do I not deserve your attention?". I can feel quite hurt and neglected when he'd rather assume the submissive role, even though I know it's all about his desires and not my deservingness.

I don't really dare asking those other men I am attracted to to tie me up, because I don't feel as attractive myself. (I'm a bit overweight.) I'm not sure how it would go if I did. It would be WAY easier to get submissives who want to be tied by me. But although I can be quite a good rigger, I don't want to. I've give a few beginners great sessions over the past few months, but it's not necessarily satisfying.

Yeah, to be honest though, perhaps part of it comes down to me simply wanting to be seen with desire and genuine interest, not merely for the helpful provider of an experience (a warm body with skills and tools) nor a body to practice some skill on, but... I know part of it is still me struggling with Zen's NRE feels towards our friend. I feel like I have lost something, even though...I haven't. I guess. I just feel like she's really turned his head, and his fantasies and lusts are fixed on her, and I cannot compare in terms of sheer desirability. But not just in his eyes, in anyone's.

In my own, especially.

I feel like if I had a submissive partner that I played with one-on-one, who actually wanted that and whose reactions were for me, who looked at me with trust, fear or desire, not just as a service top, but where we had that interchange of power and energy...it could be better. But I do recognize that you cannot really do justice to such a connection if you lack skills, and the way to build skills (and knowledge, and safety) is by DOING things. Service topping gives me the chance to learn. Even if by very unfortunate mistakes, like the injuries our friend has.

One of my frustrations with her is that she tells Zen that she wants to play with us both, she responds eagerly to his every message, and in our play she reacted to him a great deal... But when I send her messages, she doesn't often respond, when we played, I felt kind of cut off from her responses, and when we're in the same room socially, she seems awkward like she would sorta rather not talk to me. In a way, I get it, I can struggle with some awkwardness with women I like, and find it much easier to interact with men. I suspect she is kinda more straight than not, and that's got to be ok. At least she does not dislike me, and that is something.

But I sent her a message last night, I want to go today and find some good anti-scarring skin cream and take it to her, perhaps also some of the burn balm a friend made for me years ago, which is really good stuff. I'm trying to ask if she would be willing to get together this evening, or tomorrow evening. I did add onto the end of my message that, while I don't know if it needs to be said, I wanted to say that despite our enthusiasm to get to know her and play with her, Zen and I understand that she is in a committed relationship and we're not trying to date her or make anything weird. We are on exactly the same page with just wanting to be friends who play at the club, but we want to be good friends and conscientious play partners.

And it would not surprise me one little bit, if she didn't respond at all, and if I nevertheless saw her active on the site loving writings and photos and such. That's how it's gone. If that happens I'll just give her the cream at the party on Saturday, which I'm pretty sure she'll be at. I'd rather do it sooner, but I can only help if she will let me.

My coworker has expressed an interest in learning to be a Domme, and I volunteered to bottom for her if she wants, and Zen is willing to help guide her in learning some impact play skills to start off with. So I might get some of the sort of play I enjoy this weekend.

It's just so weird to me that I always thought I'd be fine, probably even happy, with the possibility of being more open and playing with more partners. I never imagined it would feel like my partner found a shinier new toy and tossed me, not just back on the market, but on the clearance rack to sit and gather dust unwanted by anybody. I'm trying to do brave things to help myself feel better about me. I have bought bikinis, which was mad brave for me, and some new corsets and such...I went and did that photo shoot, which only served to show me that my bikini does me no favors and my corset & skirt photo made me look like an evil hag witch. I even went so far, in an exercise to try and appreciate my body, to take some photos of my lady parts which surprisingly turned out pleasing enough to me, but have only really got responses from Zen on fetlife. I did make them "friends only" but I've got over 200 "friends" on there for crying out loud. You'd think my first effort to share that part of my body on there would be more interesting to at least some of the thirsty dudes creepin' around? I mean, given that one of my fantasies for literally YEARS that I've never been able to get off the ground at the club (but watched my lovers facilitate for other women time and again) has been the whole "touched and played with by several/various/anonymous hands" experience... Now I'm like, nobody's gonna want to do that, hell no one even wants to SEE that.

Well ok then.

I'm tipping into one of the healthier (for my head and heart) ways of coping with this kind of thing, which is to think of ways to meet my own needs. I've already done one solo scene at the club, where I cut off my clothing and poured wax on myself. I have other ideas, and some variations of them I can just do by myself, to myself. So if Zen is preoccupied and others only want me for service topping I guess I can do my own thing, if it comes to it.

Hell, I have self-tied when I wanted some good restraint for play at home, when Zen didn't really seem all that interested in more creative play, so I've had to initiate a lot of that kind of thing. I dunno, I feel like he is willing, just less enthusiastic than he once was. Rather than thinking of exciting or adventurous things to do to me or with me specifically, he's looking for excitement in other women. And I'm trying to be on board, trying to participate with a "good sport" attitude, trying to see if I might find anything good in that myself...just wishing I could somehow not compare myself (unfavorably) to all of them.

And wishing I didn't also feel like I was not able to experience things I wanted to, and now I might not ever. Like maybe it's too late for me.
 
Had a nice chat on break with my co-worker.

She is definitely down to top me with some guidance from Zen this weekend, and we're talking about driving up to Denver to check out a Leather shop with kink gear. She also wants to pay for a photo shoot for the two of us, later in June.

So. That's cool! Really brightened my day.

And I found some pretty top-notch scar reduction products to give to our friend, so that makes me feel a little better about things, even if she doesn't get back to me and I have to give her this stuff over the weekend... It is important to me, to walk my talk if I can, and make this as right as I'm able.

I tried to explain to Zen last night how I felt super guilty over it, because...while I know damn well I didn't intend any harm, and that it's illogical to think of this as some manifestation of questionable mojo I was carrying in my heart... The fact that I was feeling ickily envious of her, and then this happened, makes me feel guilty. Rather like if you were thinking of someone an old flame left you for or something, that you didn't really know because it was years ago and you find out like that person had something terrible happen to them and they're a really lovely Mom and even though you didn't wish them harm, if you were thinking salty thoughts and then found out something like that... It feels like you accumulated a bit of bad karma, just for having thought petty thoughts.

So I feel, if anything, more compelled to make an effort to right this.

Though Zen and I were inspecting the photos last night, and we both question the pattern of injury because it truly looks like the marks of a hard grip, like four "finger" shaped skin-separation looking tracks, rather resembling really bad stretch marks. I don't know what wax burns would look like, and I'm not sure it was only that contributing to the result. But at the least, a preceding burn would have made her skin tender? *sigh* Wishing I had more medical knowledge... And she does have eczema, as well, but I don't see how that could contribute to this. She says, "My skin is weird." Well, perhaps.

Regardless though, these anti-scarring products should help. I mainly want to head off any permanent scars. She might be ok with it now, but if they don't heal, she will probably hate them one day.
 
Wishing I had more medical knowledge... And she does have eczema, as well, but I don't see how that could contribute to this. She says, "My skin is weird." Well, perhaps.

Does the wax tend to be drying? My younger daughter has eczema, and when her skin dries out, it tends to flare up more. Also, if there are new (to her) scents or extracts/oils in the candles, those could be irritants as well. Just a wild pluck out of the air, but figured I'd ask the question.

It is truly nice of you to offer her the scar-reduction products. I know you feel like you got run over by (a?) karma, but I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. She's saying she's okay, so hopefully providing the scar reduction stuff will ease your mind.
 
Does the wax tend to be drying? My younger daughter has eczema, and when her skin dries out, it tends to flare up more. Also, if there are new (to her) scents or extracts/oils in the candles, those could be irritants as well. Just a wild pluck out of the air, but figured I'd ask the question.

It is truly nice of you to offer her the scar-reduction products. I know you feel like you got run over by (a?) karma, but I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. She's saying she's okay, so hopefully providing the scar reduction stuff will ease your mind.

Yeah I mean... The commonly said thing is, this is kink, the things we do are not really, truly safe. It's why "SSC" or Safe, Sane, Consensual, has been set aside for "RACK" Risk Aware Consensual Kink or even "PRICK" Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink acronyms. Seems we gotta have a damn acronym for everything lol...

I am glad she is not upset, but I know that the right thing is to take this very seriously and being a responsible Top is doing everything you can when an unexpected injury occurs, to make things right as much as possible. This is part of "everything I can."

Yeah, the candles did have some scents to them, which I know can raise the temperature of them as well. The soy is more moisturizing than drying, though. But again...they were used on me and others with no burns, and the injuries she has are ONLY on the underside of one breast. I believe that the one and only factor where I (or maybe Zen) could have screwed up here, is possibly letting our attentiveness to the height from which we were pouring and dripping, wane, and getting too close with the candle. I don't remember that happening, but I don't remember for sure that it didn't, either. I was getting pretty worn out by the end of that scene, it was the second long scene of the night. So I assume that a too-close pour that caused a burn, is possible.

But when I cleaned the wax off, and we first gently scraped and pulled it off, then rubbed her down with a warm wet towel, I saw no damage at that time. If the injury is 100% wax burn, with the severity of how it looks now (as I said, much like four finger-width reddened stretch marks) you would really think we'd have seen some indication of it at the time. That was part of what puzzled Zen and I, too.

And we are both overthinkers, so we've been really forensic-analyzing all of this together. Though it doesn't really change much in terms of taking responsibility and doing what we can to help her.
 
That last post was meant to be more humorous hyperbole than not, I hope that does come across. Though I admit when I saw his Facebook post with that first video and him commenting that he just loved it I was like...yeah. Of course you do. Feh.

Fire is right, I am no cutesy Lolita type girl. She said I was "kind of a bad ass." I've tried to be softer and more feminine for Zen, because he has been the one to give me what I needed and wanted, become the focus of so much of my desire, and I want to be pleasing to him. But there is only so far I can go with this without feeling like a pathetic poser...I mean, I'm a 40 year old woman. But honestly though, I look back and even when I WAS a teenager, I couldn't pull off the "cute little girl" thing. I've felt like an adult since I was a little kid. I've had adult responsibilities since at least 9 years old if not earlier. My sexuality when it developed, was not a blushing, innocent, cutesy-curious thing. It was a fierce sort of mischief I was getting up to from my first explorations at age 14. I think I was always a sort of "old soul" or something.

But I've been thinking this morning, trying to find some clarity on what is missing. I find ideas like the thing I was talking about where if I'm not getting attention as a bottom, I don't feel desirable. But I kinda knew there was more to it than that...

I want to feel wanted. And where I struggle is, what that looks like. People can say that I am wanted or desirable, but when the actions and nonverbal stuff isn't conveying that to me, my heart can only accept the message for a moment and I fall back into blah in fairly short order. What strikes me as funny/ironic, is if I were to let my ex know how I've been feeling, he'd huff and puff and tell me this is how I made him feel for YEARS. And I know! I know. But in hindsight, the truth there, is that I did not actually want him. From fairly early on, I didn't, as I got to know the depths of who he was, and he revealed things about his character that frankly repelled me, and destroyed my trust in him, more and more. So yeah, I could not make him feel wanted because the desire really wasn't there.

But what he was missing, like...I get it. Because when I have to put the energy into initiating and propelling things forward with people, and they seem hesitant with me, or don't put any instigation into anything intimate with me, then yeah. I feel like I'm begging for what I need or chasing after something that others would rather not be bothered with.

Part of why the poly quad was not feeling sustainable to me emotionally, Hefe was the only one that I felt truly wanted me, there. And while his desire and affection was very nice to have, it couldn't really make up for feeling like Analyst was flat out rejecting and rebuffing me, and Fire has always been very tentative and hesitant with me, in ways I don't see her being with other women. And when we'd all get together, it felt like everyone was content to sit around and talk for hours and hours and I might want some intimacy but if I didn't ask for it, I sure wasn't gonna get it. Hell it seemed like one time they all waited for me to fall asleep so they could play with a visiting friend.

But at that time, Zen was expressing a lot of enthusiastic desire and interest in me. And he seemed to have ideas he'd think of, that he was prepared to do and try, and it was all new and fun. Where I feel so wobbly this year with all that has happened... I feel like for a while, we've gotten into this sort of routine. He is forever asking me what I want. I don't come down to his space and he's already got ideas and he's like, "I want THIS with you." And it's everything from play at parties to sex to where we go for dinner. "What do you want?" And that makes me feel like he wants to nurture our relationship, but he doesn't feel a lot of particular desire for anything in particular with me. I feel like except for general touch and contact, the hunger is gone for more exciting play. I've become a comfort giver, not an adventure. Boring. So we have been in this rut, where sex is fairly routine stuff and play is always an impact scene (which I enjoy, yes, but I have other desires as well.) I have tried to say that I wanted to do this or that thing, but if I want it to happen, I have to not only express an interest, I have to pretty much get out all the toys, tie myself, set up the whole deal, hand Zen the thing... Totally top from the bottom. And again, he's willing, but...

So like we've been playing for years, and only like once that I can think of, did we do a different kind of scene than just impact stuff really, something with a more sexual focus or something, and I'd finally managed to clearly state my desires for him to have me on a table and stimulate me, and the very night we did that...finally... I was still not quite back to normal, recovered headspace when I walked in and saw him doing that very thing with the younger friend, which I did not expect one bit.

And as I've said, my difficult feelings are not that he played with someone else, or even the hitch in our communications that we really should have negotiated it first or ANY of that.

It's the need I've got that isn't being met. I've got to beg for what I need, and see my partners "*sigh*...ok...I guess..." if they do it at all... And then see them "OMG OMG OMG OMG !!! HAPPY JAZZED EXCITED YAY" about PURSUING the chance to give exactly that to somebody else.

That goes straight into my heart and mind as "This other person is desirable and you are garbage." That meeting my needs is a matter of obligation, that exploring more interesting or varied play with me is ugh, boring, don't wanna...wanna seek the fun and excitement with somebody sexy, not you.

I want the enthusiasm.

I want to feel wanted.

I want someone to be able to look me in the eye, and say, "I desire to do THIS thing, with YOU." And not just "you" (me) because I have a skill and some toys and I'm another set of hands, but like me because they want ME.

And that's why I'm fucked up lately, because I've felt that waning with Zen and I don't feel like anybody else will give me that either. Well, except for a couple of your Father Jack Hackett types at the club who will pant after any woman willing to play with them. And hell, maybe that's what was so exciting about the Worm King in the beginning of that fling, too. He was acting in pursuit of his desires and he was not shy about expressing that. I'm sick of running around chasing after people who seem...reluctant, hesitant or "meh" about me. I don't want to be scary or intimidating, either, and that's probably part of my difficulty in contemplating being more Dominant.

Like if people want me, I'd really appreciate if they'd fucking act like it.

**EDIT: Additional thought: Feeling I have to chase after people makes me also feel needy, whiny, demanding. So when I assume people just are not into me, I just act withdrawn. Also, my coworker friend is actually a recent sort-of exception. She is putting quite a lot of energy and interest into spending time with me, and I've just been telling her that I am enthusiastically willing to play with her, be friends, date, whatever. I do think that it's unlikely that we will have more than a very good friendship in the long run, because I have a sense that she really needs a partner who is as adventurous and ambitious as she is. But I feel really good about this connection being an excellent friendship with some short to mid term play...and I'm open to it also being more romantic/intimate, should she have that interest. We'll see.**

So in other news, Zen got a text from the friend late last night but I was trying to sleep when he came up to show me, she's got something going on...I don't know what, she didn't say, some piece of bad news or something, I'm not sure. I hope it's related to some other area of her life not connected to us or the community, I know she was trying for a professional opportunity, maybe that didn't work out, but I'm just guessing. I hope he was able to communicate more with her last night, because she never did respond to me. At this point, maybe she can get together prior to Saturday and maybe not, but I've at least got the stuff to give her when I see her.

So as far as I'm aware, there was contact...again, with Zen, not with me...but no real clarity or movement on any of that. I'll be honest, if she is only really willing to interact with him and not talk to me, then I'm not sure I want to play with her. I know that Zen had lots of ideas for us to do, the three of us, but between the way I feel about his enthusiasm for her, and her kinda coolness toward me, I'm just not feeling it. I'm willing to wait and see if it can work out, but...yeah.
 
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Hmm...

Further thought.

I have said to regular people I talk to about relationships in another forum, one of the things that is off-putting about online dating and how many people approach dating in general, is the sense that what they're seeking is a WHAT, not a WHO. No one likes to feel dehumanized, and when someone comes to the situation with a pre-conceived fantasy picture they've painted in detail with an empty, blank space shaped vaguely like a human outline, and just tries to find out if you're a good fit in it, one wonders if they are seeing you-the-person and desiring you for you, or if they just want the fantasy they have come up with, with "anybody" who might be willing.

Which points to how I wish to feel desired for myself, by people I also like, rather than just a feature in an experience that somebody wants to have, and I'll "do" but I'm not really anybody's ideal choice.

But am I perhaps making that very mistake, and not communicating to others that I desire them, for them? I think that I do communicate this to Zen. I definitely find him desirable. I think I've let Fire know how special she is and how specifically desirable I find her to be. I think I've tried to let my coworker friend know, but tempered with a need to not make things awkward if she wasn't on the same page with that.

There are some "whats" I have interest in, yes. But maybe the fact that I have not pursued my needs and wants so much has to do with not wanting to do that, to place human beings in empty spaces in a fantasy scenario.

Hm. Just...thinking.

Know what else? Somehow the weather has really been affecting my mood, too. I was not in the best place yesterday but I feel clearer in my head today. Yesterday was grey, cloudy and cool. Today is warm and sunny. Just...feels better.

Oh, and I forgot to mention a bit of unwanted adventure I had last night. We have a hole under the concrete slab of our back patio. It has been home to bunnies, year after year, and usually we'll get a baby bunny fallen into Zen's window well right nearby and I've had to rescue them out of there 2 or 3 times now. Well this time, it ain't bunnies! I was sitting out on the step late last night having a smoke, and I saw out of the corner of my eye, a skunk wandering in! Oh dear.

So first I thought I'd have to get someone to come out and trap it. Her, most likely, she is a Momma skunk who has either given birth recently or is about to, I don't know. But what I've read is, if you do what is called "humane harassment" a skunk will find another den and move of its own accord. So placing a bright flashlight pointing into the den, a radio nearby, or a bag of used cat litter or ammonia within a few feet, gently convinces the skunk that this isn't the best place to be, and it's said they'll usually seek out a new den within a few days and move any babies. This is safer for the skunks. And less expensive, I'm sure, than having someone come trap her/them. So, I'll endeavor to do this...wish me luck.

I'd just leave her there, undisturbed, but we have that window well right there and I do not want to risk a baby falling into it, it's all of a foot from the hole, and besides we've got neighbors walking dogs all hours of the day and night nearby, which makes it somewhat likely that somebody will upset her enough to get sprayed. Don't want that! So. Humane skunk harassment mission shall commence, soon.
 
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Lots of talking with Zen last week, and some really good connection with others I care about over the weekend, I feel so, SO much better than I did.

I gave the scar remedy stuff to our friend at the party Saturday night, and as far as I'm concerned, that is that. If she chooses to use it daily as it says on the packaging, it will probably make a tremendous difference. If not, then there was nothing more I could do. And for the record, I did ask her if any rough play occurred during the remainder of the night with other scenes or partners, with that breast...my motivation being that I really do want to understand what exactly is up since her injuries are odd to say the least, and she said with absolute certainty that no, it did not. Good to know. So now I am at least aware to be especially mindful to keep the candles at a good height, because the way I see it, distance of pour is the only point where my actions could have led to this. Yes, her skin might just be weird and all, but I want to do my best with being risk aware.

So in conversations with Zen, I'd expressed that I'm kind of wanting to be cautious about who I top in scenes because I've felt like I want a certain level of maturity, so that if something went wrong, then I felt I could count on them to come straight to me and accept my apologies and we could work things out like adults who respect each other... I mean, the stuff we do just isn't always safe. But there are ways that tops should act when something goes wrong. We ask in the club that if someone has, say, a consent violation or something, to bring it to club leadership so that we can investigate and address such things, rather than taking whatever situation straight to social media and putting it on blast. It's the whole, "when a thing goes down, do you handle it with discretion or make it very public?"

Well, the girl with the burns, she went the route of making it public first. She wasn't calling us out with any negative comments or feelings, but before saying a peep to me or Zen, the very first I heard of all this, she shared photos of her injuries on fetlife and tagged our names as the ones who gave her these "cool marks from wax play" which like, anyone who knows anything, knows those kinds of marks should NOT happen from wax so... She kinda might as well have put us on blast as having screwed up. So in addition to all the messages we were sending her, only few of which she bothered to respond to, we also made public statements on her photos because it was like, now we have to defend ourselves to the community, too.

And to me...I mean, I am GOING to do the most responsible things possible if an accident happens. There is no need to publicly shame me to get me to do that. I don't think that was her intention, but she didn't think to the fact that it could be seen that way.

So anyhow, I was saying this to Zen, and something occurred to me.

See, he did not read my blog posts last week when I was having issues, and at one point I mentioned that I'd been writing here quite a bit, and he said that it kind of feels like "a kick in the dick" to come here and read me pouring out all of my frustrations and issues we are having. And that he truly wished I could simply come to him and talk to him about it, and that while he understands that I need to process and I'm conflict averse...he said he gives me permission to be in conflict with him. And it occurred further to me, that what I was doing, was kind of actually similar to what the young woman did with the photos and the thing that made me reticent to play with younger people and such...rather than respectfully addressing a personal issue between us, I was putting issues with Zen on blast here. And he's right. Really. So. I'm going to try to work harder on direct communication when I'm having the kinds of feelings that drove me to some of my writings here. I think I'll continue to post, but I'll be a bit more selective about what I write here.

On that note, I'm going to need a whole other entry to describe my Saturday because it was freaking incredible.
 
I need a nickname for my friend. She and I are getting up to some stuff. I'll call her Adventuress, as I can't think of anything much better.

And she is. She's young but she's lived a lot, and done many very cool things. I think I may have written at some point about how she tried to get into the scene last year and it didn't work out well. The owner of the club wanted to be with her, and she was game to go on dates with him, but uncertainty was written all over everything she was telling me. He was pushing a bit harder than I'd have expected of him (with what I knew of him at the time, I may know a little better now) and I would ask her if she wanted to date him and she would say, "I don't know." Well, I stuck to the best advice I knew how to give, which was that if her answer was an enthusiastic yes, then she should go for it, if it was a no, she should tell him, and if it was "I don't know" then she needed to tell him to chill out and give her what space and time she needed to figure it out. "Maybe" is not proper consent...but an enthusiastic man will sometimes work pretty hard to push maybe to yes. One significant factor was that he is poly and one of his partners was struggling with things in the relationship, there was some drama going down and this was all kinda exacerbating it. She had no prior experience of poly and her first look at it wasn't very reassuring.

Beyond this though, it could be (and perhaps I'm projecting a bit) that deep down, she was not the submissive he was asking her to be. She could pull it off, I've no doubt, but it might not be where her passions lie. I say, projecting, maybe, because I don't think that my passions are truly in being Dominant, at least not until or unless I connect with someone who wishes to submit to me and they are a really good fit...and that is a narrow field indeed. I can service top to improve skills, but I need to not stretch myself too thin with it, I've learned. It doesn't feed my hungers the way that bottoming does.

Well here I am... She wrote poetry about me some time ago. She more recently sent me pictures of herself in her sexy underwear. She admitted while drinking that she's got a huge crush on me. She took me to Denver during the day this Saturday, and she bought me lunch at this really cool, fancy Japanese place. We went to a Leather shop, which turned out to be more aimed at gay guys but they did have some cool stuff, and she bought me some clamps. And she co-topped me, amid much touch and adoring words... And I swear I must be rather relentlessly obtuse about women because I somehow am still over here like, "OK so she likes me...but does she LIKE ME, like me?"

This is a thing. I'm not sure to what extent of a thing it is going to be but it's a thing. We are at least good friends and play partners. I do get the sense that she's somewhat commitment shy and will prefer a loosely defined connection that simply goes where it feels good to go, but I'm pretty open to seeing where that might be.

So Saturday we did lunch, we visited the Leather shop, where she admired a cage for man-parts that was actually studded with sharp screws (yikes!) and we went to one of the bigger adult stores in the area (two stories!) and then we came back. We were out all day. Then we had a party at the club, and she and Zen co-topped me in a two part scene that really blasted out any and all self-pitying, mopey cobwebs from my brain and reality good. (Yes, I do, apparently, really need to bottom sometimes.) She and I were both dressed very sexy and while she is a bit afraid of being sadistic with me right now, she's got energy and touch that is really, really good. Instincts, intuition. She did some wonderful things that no one had to tell her to do, like...she's got it. The confidence to "it's ok, really, hit me, I'm a masochist!" will come, I think.

There is a thing, Zen did it when we were just play partners and it convinced me to really pursue him sexually, and she did it during our scene a couple of times... When I'm standing at the cross and a Top presses their body against the back of mine. Yeah it just melts me. Zen likes to put a hand over my mouth or around my neck when he does this, and I love that. Adventuress brought my favorite soft flogger over my head and choked me with it, with both hands, while pressing herself against me. I get tingles thinking about it. So after some impact, I got on a table, and while some of the ideas were mine, the execution was theirs, and they did it magnificently. I was bound with my legs together and up, tied at my knees to my collar. Zen used flash cotton on the lady business, and I had a candle in my mouth, white wax dripping down my chin and neck. Adventuress was caressing me and holding my hands, and Zen worked his magic and shall we say it was a good thing we prepped with absorbent pads and a blanket, because the resulting effect sprayed a good 18 inches or so, he tells me.

It was a damn good day to be me.

On top of that, I had my extrovert needs happily met, as many of my other favorite people were there that night, and a wonderful male friend of ours allowed me to flash cotton his balls. We had to do it twice though, as we had an audience but then some people ran over who missed it the first time. I really am going to have to order more flash cotton. Wonderful stuff.

So I had a thoroughly good time this weekend. And I am very much in a better headspace today, to the point really where I feel...almost like it was all very silly, what I was feeling last week. Or a different me was walking around in this skin or something, I don't know.
 
So tomorrow is the 4th of July here in the States, and I have no real plans. And I'm really not sure if I want to have any. My older son is seeking to spend time with his girlfriend, and my younger son says he'd prefer to be left alone and stay home, to work on his Minecraft server.

Thing is, the 4th was the date that my Ex and I decided was our anniversary. I'm finding myself a lot less enthusiastic about holidays of any kind than I used to be, especially as my sons have gotten older, and more enthusiastic about non-holiday events like kink parties and conventions. But in this case it feels even more justified to me, to not really do much of anything. It's the 22nd UN-niversary, and it feels fine for it to be an UN-holiday. I mean, I like fireworks and all, but I just...kinda don't care. I don't want to spend money and I don't feel like putting in effort. Also, the season premiere of Stranger Things will be released tomorrow, so...yeah, kinda want to watch that.

I mean if I got invited to anything that sounded super fun, I'd probably go, but the only invite I've had so far is a very family oriented thing that a friend does every year, and hanging with kink people in such a vanilla setting with kids running around everywhere...meh. *shrug* And I know my younger son isn't into it. He's tried to hide in the car when we've gone down there previous years. lol

But I am happy to have a day off work!

Anyhow, for everyone who will be out celebrating tomorrow, stay safe and I hope you have a fantastic time!
 
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