The Super Awesome Jealousy Thread

Sugarbooger

New member
I'm sure there are others, but is there a jealousy thread that is super awesome?

Sigh. Does it ever go away? I'm much better about the other two having a night to themselves, but I still feel a little bile rise to the back of my throat. I HATE feeling this way. I had a nightmare where I yelled at them both and woke myself up kicking and screaming. C'mon, how old am I?

I want to be able to turn it around before my spouse gets home. I want to be able to be okay when the three of us go out to a party tonight. On the inside I'm still a little resentful because I want him to get his OWN girlfriend, and well--he's not going to be in that place for a while.

I know jealousy is super awesome because it forces me to look at my fears: fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved, and fear of losing what I have. I get that. I just hate it when it is visiting me.
 
I think continued reading and communication will help, but I dont think its something that can be cured by tonight. It takes time to understand all the dynamics that cause the jealousy and alot of communication to help you be more secure. Hugs..
 
What are your plans for tonight?

That's a tough place to be in; not necessarily going to get better/go away entirely any time soon. For me it's all about self care when that stuff comes up; doing something physical to help move those emotions through the body (jog, go to a yoga class, do a hardcore workout video, have a hot bath and a cool drink and do some serious deep breathing). It's about respecting the limitations within your body/mind by doing caring, self loving things while those emotions are happening - ie, the way that we rock babies when they cry to comfort them - rock & hold yourself, have a good cry, write down some points to take to a counsellor at a later date. Love & take care of yourself, and know that you're worth every second of self care that you can give yourself when you're feeling vulnerable and lost/jealous/fearful/angry/etc.

Instead of trying to work so hard on those emotions and eradicate them, my question is this.... what are your plans on their night together? Do you book fun friend nights, sleepovers at a friend's place or anything of the like? Is it time for you to negotiate another relationship for yourself so that you have your own nights with another partner too?

If you make it about what you're doing for yourself, and give that self care to yourself, you might jes' find that the fun that you have on their nights together starts making you look forward to your time with yourself/friends/family. reward yourself with love, care, time and attention for being such a giving, sharing, loving partner, and know that the way you feel is NATURAL.
 
I spend most of the week away from the guys at work. They're home having fun little adventures and it's not that I'm jealous of them spending time together, I'm upset it can't be the three of us. However, restarting one's life in a new career means sacrifices...for now.

Here's how I deal: I do all the uber-geeky things I know they wouldn't want to. Go play bingo - you betcha. Make puzzles and listen to goofy podcasts? Check. Go to plays? Sold. Catch a flick with subtitles? Sure enough. That way, I'm creating good memories and experiences for me, not focusing on the negative of the separation.

When T and I are together, E grabs his favorite fast food and lets the cats spend the night in the house with him.

When E and I are together, T tinkers on this and that or goes about fixing things.

Basically, the way I think about it is date nights aren't only for couples. Sometimes you need to remember to, ahem, love yourself in whatever dynamic you're in. Sometimes that means a good cry with a pint of Phish Food. Othertimes that means watching a TV show you know your others aren't crazy about...you get the idea.
 
It might help to read some other threads on "jealousy." See what you can find in the tag section. It can be found in the search engine on the tool bar.
 
Thanks for the feedback!

Thanks everyone. I really need to just let things be what they are instead of constantly trying to fix them. Bad habit. Fixer-fixer, tsk tsk.

I tried to have someone to come over and spend the evening with me and the kids, but it didn't work. I ended up falling asleep just fine, then had that dream. When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours. I started feeling super insecure. She reminded me it wasn't a contest, but I just have this awful fear that someone will want out because they'll realize they can get a better lay elsewhere. I know, totally irrational--but it is a fear. Sigh.
 
Thanks everyone. I really need to just let things be what they are instead of constantly trying to fix them. Bad habit. Fixer-fixer, tsk tsk.

I tried to have someone to come over and spend the evening with me and the kids, but it didn't work. I ended up falling asleep just fine, then had that dream. When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours. I started feeling super insecure. She reminded me it wasn't a contest, but I just have this awful fear that someone will want out because they'll realize they can get a better lay elsewhere. I know, totally irrational--but it is a fear. Sigh.

I hear you. I am the exact same way. Make a mistake and do all the wrong things to fix it and make it worse.

Don't get caught up on the sex. I did and it ended poorly.
 
When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours.

You don't know this for sure.
Unless you ask them specifically what they did every minute of those 2.5 hours (and are prepared for the answers) you don't know.
Could be they talked for 2 hours and had sex for 30 minutes.
Could be there was tension or awkwardness. Could be one of them was checking email for 20 minutes.
And yes, it could be they had amazing sex for 2.5 hours.

Assuming things has got me in a lot of trouble...
 
You don't know this for sure.
Unless you ask them specifically what they did every minute of those 2.5 hours (and are prepared for the answers) you don't know.
Could be they talked for 2 hours and had sex for 30 minutes.
Could be there was tension or awkwardness. Could be one of them was checking email for 20 minutes.
And yes, it could be they had amazing sex for 2.5 hours.

Assuming things has got me in a lot of trouble...

I wish there was a magical cure for assuming things, for now trial and error will have to be my teacher.:)
 
I wish there was a magical cure for assuming things, for now trial and error will have to be my teacher.:)

..oh but wait, there IS! It's called 'asking.'
No need for that pesky trial and error thing.
:D
(said with all the love in my heart ~ not trying to be snarky)
 
..oh but wait, there IS! It's called 'asking.'
No need for that pesky trial and error thing.
:D
(said with all the love in my heart ~ not trying to be snarky)

For me asking is not the cure.. for every answer that I get there is another question.
For me the cure is accepting that I will never know completely whats going on when I'm not there. Or, for that matter, that I will / can never no for sure what's going on in my husbands head! When he stares into space, do I assume he's thinking about her? Do I ask him every time I assume this? that would soon drive him crazy ;)
Or do I accept that I just cannot know?
At first that will make me feel empty and insecure.
But when I really accept it, it makes me feel free.
 
The other night my GF and I were downstairs watching tv , my wife was upstairs with her bf (my gf's hubby, we are a quad). We decided to go upstairs and see what was going on to find my wife on top and the two of them just finishing. It was so nice to see them happy. Then my gf and I got undressed and proceeded to have some enjoyable time together. The other two left after a bit. And just as the two of us were coming, it was a strong one for us and I kinda made a funny noise which the other two heard, now it's something they are teasing us with , and it's kinda funny we have all been laughing about.

So is there an opportunity for jealousy in this of course, but when you can get to that place of compersion and be happy for the others all the rest cums together. We have a strong understanding the four of us that no one is going anywhere anytime soon.
 
Cleo, Sugarbooger, other jealous lovers:

We all feel jealousy sometimes. Poly people are not Nietzschean Supermen, miraculously grown beyond all human emotion. I recommend that instead of letting jealousy beat you into misery, that you take it as an opportunity for introspection and communication.

Jealousy doesn't mean that you're unfit for poly; it means that you fear something. Ask yourself seriously what that fear is. Why does the idea of them boning for 2.5 hours upset you? Why does his staring into space make you insecure? Is it because you feel like he might be better than you in bed, that she'll steal him away? That you're sexually inadequate? See if you can have a real conversation with your amygdala about this. Then have a real conversation with your lover.

"I feel inadequate when I imagine you two going at it. Until I've gotten used to the idea, I need your support. I need you to tell me you like boning me too and that it's not a contest. I need you to tell me that once and hour our so. ;) " Or whatever.

And then, once you've done that, you can train some of that jealousy away. Usually jealousy makes you instinctively want to do exactly the worst thing for the relationships. So train yourself that when you feel jealousy, you do the exact opposite of what it's telling you to do. When it tells you to imagine the other two boning, don't do that, and have a jack-off session starring Angelina Jolie. If you're compelled to ask him who he's thinking about, don't do that, and tell him who you're thinking about instead.

And, I think, most importantly, get to know your metamours. Go to dinner and a movie. have girl talk. Go to the bars. Give gifts. Knowing and loving the metamour brings all three of you together.
 
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