The thoughts and condition of Murasaki
- Thread starter Murasaki
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Murasaki
Member
Kevin T,
I’m not sure what to tell you, basically I’m not sure what I am comfortable sharing right now.
It was not just NRE things that caused issues. There are also things that my ex specifically DID, things said, behaviors that I’m not ok having in my life. The problem right now I think, is that Kuroi is still in contact with my ex, possibly still dating. That I don’t know for sure bothers me greatly. Honesty, and trust are a big deal for me right now.
Something still being talked about. It is difficult to have these conversations because I struggle to remain calm. As in my temper isn’t productive.
I’m not sure what to tell you, basically I’m not sure what I am comfortable sharing right now.
It was not just NRE things that caused issues. There are also things that my ex specifically DID, things said, behaviors that I’m not ok having in my life. The problem right now I think, is that Kuroi is still in contact with my ex, possibly still dating. That I don’t know for sure bothers me greatly. Honesty, and trust are a big deal for me right now.
Something still being talked about. It is difficult to have these conversations because I struggle to remain calm. As in my temper isn’t productive.
Murasaki
Member
Murasaki
Member
I broke up with Kuroi last night.
I still Love Kuroi, still want Kuroi in my life, but our romantic relationship is over. At least for now. I can hope that things will change, but I do not expect that it will. I am sad, hurt, and angry.
Kuroi cried with my arms for comfort. We are still each others friend. I answered every question,with as much truth as I had to give. I have lived for the last 6+ months in a situation I did not want, and was not accepting of. A situation of Kuroi's choice. I made a different choice for my own health and well being.
Now talks will turn to other things, away from any Poly between us, and towards Kuroi moving out. A side from requesting a move out date, I will leave the talking up to Kuroi for the moment. I have said as much as I can. I have made so many attempts to work at our marriage, It took more then me to break it, it will take more than me to repair it. Made this time apart will help Kuroi decide what Kuroi really wants, will give Kuroi the inner knowledge to make the words spoken Match the thing Kuroi choose to do.
I am done with broken agreements, and promises. Done with be asked to forgive the same mistakes over and over. Done being hurt. Time to focus on me, find who I am today, and decide what I really want, and who I want to be tomorrow.
I still Love Kuroi, still want Kuroi in my life, but our romantic relationship is over. At least for now. I can hope that things will change, but I do not expect that it will. I am sad, hurt, and angry.
Kuroi cried with my arms for comfort. We are still each others friend. I answered every question,with as much truth as I had to give. I have lived for the last 6+ months in a situation I did not want, and was not accepting of. A situation of Kuroi's choice. I made a different choice for my own health and well being.
Now talks will turn to other things, away from any Poly between us, and towards Kuroi moving out. A side from requesting a move out date, I will leave the talking up to Kuroi for the moment. I have said as much as I can. I have made so many attempts to work at our marriage, It took more then me to break it, it will take more than me to repair it. Made this time apart will help Kuroi decide what Kuroi really wants, will give Kuroi the inner knowledge to make the words spoken Match the thing Kuroi choose to do.
I am done with broken agreements, and promises. Done with be asked to forgive the same mistakes over and over. Done being hurt. Time to focus on me, find who I am today, and decide what I really want, and who I want to be tomorrow.
FullofLove1052
New member
I am sorry about your break-up. I do hope that you will be okay in time. You have to take care of yourself. Sending hugs your way.
Ry
Ry
Sorry to hear that, Murasaki. Sounds like it was for the best. I had a bad feeling when you mentioned he might still be seeing your ex behind your back. Any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous, needs honesty. So that's one strike against him, and it sounds like there were other behaviors as well.
Murasaki
Member
Kuroi and I have had a few talks with each other this week. Many of which have been very anger and sadness filled. Thursday we both came to the conclusion that we don’t really want our relationship to end, but that what we need is time away from each other. Space.
We have talked about Kuroi moving out. Kuroi has been actively looking for and at Studio apartments. We have talked about splitting up child care needs. So that we each have the days/night we want/need to get out and be social. We briefly talked about my need to have time alone to be home, and to be out. So Kuroi is considering how often Kuroi goes out alone, and how often I have all the household and childcare needs as my sole responsibility with no physical help from Kuroi. Something we are still talking about.
After last night Kuroi is talking about setting some time aside to really think about what Kuroi want in relationship with my ex (time to give a name I suppose. Kimidori). Kimidori has an obsessive personality when it comes to intimate relationships. Which is one of many reasons things didn’t work out between Kimidori and I, and one reason I’m not ok with Kimidori in Kuroi’s life. If that is what Kuroi wants in Kuroi’s life I want no part of that. I do not want to be subject to that mentality, and do not what my relationships belittled by a meta, ever.
Kuroi asked me to hangout last night, so we listened to music, and made drinks at our place and partied with Momoiroi for several hours, then went out for a bite to eat, and coffee. During that time Kimidori messaged Kuroi a min of twice an hour. Kuroi only sent one message in reply, basically saying that Kuroi was busy. (They had talked on and off all morning through mid afternoon). I had made it clear after Kuroi told Kimidori that Kuroi was out and busy that I wasn’t ok with Kuroi chatting with Kimidori all night. I have had this conversation with Kuroi before, that if Kuroi is inviting me out and I accept, my acceptance does not include Kimidori. A couple of polite messages sure, but after seeing the one complaining about Kuroi spending time out with me, nope. That kind of conversation needs to be had when I’m not around.
Kuroi and I have never sent many messages while Kuroi is out with Kimidori, and I expected the same treatment. I made it clear that messages between them need to be considerate of any time Kuroi is spending with me, just like mine to Kuroi are when Kuroi is out. Our messages are short, and are not me complaining about Kuroi being out with someone else, or expecting Kuroi to drop what ever Kuroi is doing to come hangout/spend the evening with me instead. Kimidori does not act that way, and as soon as I knew that's how things were going Again, I put my foot down. No more message with Kimidori, or take me back home now. I don’t understand why Kuroi is willing to put up with that kind of thing. To me these messages have a whiny manipulative tone, and I only read the one Kuroi sent, and the reply Kimidori gave to it.
We talked about it a little this morning before Kuroi left for work. Kuroi’s not sure what to expect in relationship with Kimidori, or what is even available. Kuroi is talking about spending tonight and tomorrow considering what Kuroi really wants with Kimidori, all Kuroi has decided for sure is that there won’t be any serious commitments. Of course Kuroi isn’t even sure they are dating right now, right now Kuroi and Kimidori are at a crossroads, or so it sounds.
In a lot of ways I would rather listen to Kuroi’s issues with Kimidori than have to think about my own. Listening to their issues, bring up ours so that isn’t always a good conversational choice.
Kuroi and I talked more about our relationship, and where things are, and what we would have liked to have happened. There is still passion, and desire between us. I was somewhat surprised by this as I had been feeling those dwindling (at least on my end). Kuroi and I have not been sexual in weeks, I did not feel Kuroi was still desiring me, and our kisses didn’t seem to hold passion any longer. It was just another good reason to end things when I did. But in talking things out more there is more to it that that.
For one thing I have not been feeling very sexual overall due to the emotional turmoil between Kuroi and I. My idea for intimacy, is some what different than Kuroi’s. This hasn’t changed and isn’t new, but we haven’t really talked about it before. We did last night, well a little bit. We both admitted that the things we love about each other we still see in each other. We admit that we still love each other, still want to be together. Kuroi is understanding why I have called things off, and tells me that Kuroi misses being intimate with me. Kuroi wishes there was something to do that would help me to not be so hurt, sad and angry so much of the time.
Over this week I have sent a lot of emails to Kuroi. In them are details of what has happened between us that have caused so much distance to grow. And details that show what I have been asking of Kuroi, and how what I have asked isn’t strange. While Kuroi didn’t technically “cheat” on me a lot of the emotion’s and lost trust are very similar to what a spouse who has been cheated on goes through. I found these things recently, and did not know that I was reacting that way. Well now I know, and can share what i have learned about it.
So Kuroi intends to read what I have shared and learned, and then talk with me about these things. Maybe those conversations will be more productive once Kuroi has a better understand of what I have been asking, and why. I hope so at least. Especially if Kuroi really does want to be able to make something work between us again later on.
We have talked about Kuroi moving out. Kuroi has been actively looking for and at Studio apartments. We have talked about splitting up child care needs. So that we each have the days/night we want/need to get out and be social. We briefly talked about my need to have time alone to be home, and to be out. So Kuroi is considering how often Kuroi goes out alone, and how often I have all the household and childcare needs as my sole responsibility with no physical help from Kuroi. Something we are still talking about.
After last night Kuroi is talking about setting some time aside to really think about what Kuroi want in relationship with my ex (time to give a name I suppose. Kimidori). Kimidori has an obsessive personality when it comes to intimate relationships. Which is one of many reasons things didn’t work out between Kimidori and I, and one reason I’m not ok with Kimidori in Kuroi’s life. If that is what Kuroi wants in Kuroi’s life I want no part of that. I do not want to be subject to that mentality, and do not what my relationships belittled by a meta, ever.
Kuroi asked me to hangout last night, so we listened to music, and made drinks at our place and partied with Momoiroi for several hours, then went out for a bite to eat, and coffee. During that time Kimidori messaged Kuroi a min of twice an hour. Kuroi only sent one message in reply, basically saying that Kuroi was busy. (They had talked on and off all morning through mid afternoon). I had made it clear after Kuroi told Kimidori that Kuroi was out and busy that I wasn’t ok with Kuroi chatting with Kimidori all night. I have had this conversation with Kuroi before, that if Kuroi is inviting me out and I accept, my acceptance does not include Kimidori. A couple of polite messages sure, but after seeing the one complaining about Kuroi spending time out with me, nope. That kind of conversation needs to be had when I’m not around.
Kuroi and I have never sent many messages while Kuroi is out with Kimidori, and I expected the same treatment. I made it clear that messages between them need to be considerate of any time Kuroi is spending with me, just like mine to Kuroi are when Kuroi is out. Our messages are short, and are not me complaining about Kuroi being out with someone else, or expecting Kuroi to drop what ever Kuroi is doing to come hangout/spend the evening with me instead. Kimidori does not act that way, and as soon as I knew that's how things were going Again, I put my foot down. No more message with Kimidori, or take me back home now. I don’t understand why Kuroi is willing to put up with that kind of thing. To me these messages have a whiny manipulative tone, and I only read the one Kuroi sent, and the reply Kimidori gave to it.
We talked about it a little this morning before Kuroi left for work. Kuroi’s not sure what to expect in relationship with Kimidori, or what is even available. Kuroi is talking about spending tonight and tomorrow considering what Kuroi really wants with Kimidori, all Kuroi has decided for sure is that there won’t be any serious commitments. Of course Kuroi isn’t even sure they are dating right now, right now Kuroi and Kimidori are at a crossroads, or so it sounds.
In a lot of ways I would rather listen to Kuroi’s issues with Kimidori than have to think about my own. Listening to their issues, bring up ours so that isn’t always a good conversational choice.
Kuroi and I talked more about our relationship, and where things are, and what we would have liked to have happened. There is still passion, and desire between us. I was somewhat surprised by this as I had been feeling those dwindling (at least on my end). Kuroi and I have not been sexual in weeks, I did not feel Kuroi was still desiring me, and our kisses didn’t seem to hold passion any longer. It was just another good reason to end things when I did. But in talking things out more there is more to it that that.
For one thing I have not been feeling very sexual overall due to the emotional turmoil between Kuroi and I. My idea for intimacy, is some what different than Kuroi’s. This hasn’t changed and isn’t new, but we haven’t really talked about it before. We did last night, well a little bit. We both admitted that the things we love about each other we still see in each other. We admit that we still love each other, still want to be together. Kuroi is understanding why I have called things off, and tells me that Kuroi misses being intimate with me. Kuroi wishes there was something to do that would help me to not be so hurt, sad and angry so much of the time.
Over this week I have sent a lot of emails to Kuroi. In them are details of what has happened between us that have caused so much distance to grow. And details that show what I have been asking of Kuroi, and how what I have asked isn’t strange. While Kuroi didn’t technically “cheat” on me a lot of the emotion’s and lost trust are very similar to what a spouse who has been cheated on goes through. I found these things recently, and did not know that I was reacting that way. Well now I know, and can share what i have learned about it.
So Kuroi intends to read what I have shared and learned, and then talk with me about these things. Maybe those conversations will be more productive once Kuroi has a better understand of what I have been asking, and why. I hope so at least. Especially if Kuroi really does want to be able to make something work between us again later on.
Sounds like Kimidori is kind of a demanding person. Any idea what's got Kuroi so interested in her; does she have some kind of redeeming qualities that he focuses on?
Hope you guys get some stuff worked out. I got the impression that Kuroi has a hard time understanding you for some reason? Maybe this "time apart" you're planning on implementing will help you adjust the mode of your communication somehow.
I agree that there are some reasonable limits to texts being sent to and from the other partner who's not there. Maybe Kimidori has a hard time understanding appropriate boundaries?
Hope you guys get some stuff worked out. I got the impression that Kuroi has a hard time understanding you for some reason? Maybe this "time apart" you're planning on implementing will help you adjust the mode of your communication somehow.
I agree that there are some reasonable limits to texts being sent to and from the other partner who's not there. Maybe Kimidori has a hard time understanding appropriate boundaries?
Murasaki
Member
almost a year later
It has been a long while since last I posted here. Many things have happened.
At the end of October, I kicked Kuroi out, there were more lies and deceptions and I’d had enough. I wasn’t willing to have Kuroi even as a roommate under those circumstances. Kuroi moved in with Kimidori, who only became more possessive, demanding, jealous, and controlling. Things spiraled out of control for Kuroi. Kuroi was no longer able to visit with me or Momoiroi without a huge fight/argument with Kimidori. Kuroi began drinking more and more, and became more and more unreliable. After kicking Kuroi out I started going out dancing, and started dating, this further increased Kuroi’s stress. Kuroi did not handle my dating well at all.
Things just went really, really dark for my family for several months. Eventually Kuroi got an apt, but Kimidori moved into it with Kuroi. So Kuroi had more freedom, but was still being controlled. The first time Kuroi invited me and Momoiroi over during a time when Kimidori was free they had a huge argument that resulted in Kuroi kicking Kimidori out. They had another “break-up”
Kimidori and that relationship was clearly a negative in Kuroi’s life, but Kuroi felt obligated to Kimidori, and wanted certain things with Kimidori. So Kuroi asked for my help. Mostly in the form of my time. I spent a couple weeks living mostly out of a backpack and spent a lot of time at Kuroi’s place.
Our conversation around Kimidori shed light on what kept Kuroi going back to that relationship. Kuroi had found a D/s Relationship to explore. Something neither of them had little to no experience in till they meet each other. And something Kuroi wasn’t comfortable doing with/to me. With Kuroi and Kimidori living together Kimidori found new ways to manipulate and control things with Kuroi. Kimidori was looking for very specific types of D/s encounters with Kuroi, and would attempt to create the angry on the verge of violence moments to get what Kimidori wanted. Kuroi was beginning to believe that Kimidori wanted Kuroi to kill Kimidori. Things had become that violent (on both ends).
A couple months later I moved into a new space, one that Kimidori would not know the location of. I found out about Kuroi restarting the relationship with Kimidori and realized that was why Kuroi was not sticking to our agreements any longer. Another argument between Kuroi and I, but this time I knew how bad thing would get with physical violence between Kuroi and Kimidori. So I was very much NOT ok with Momoiroi being in that environment. After the argument, we both cooled down and I offered Kuroi one last chance to get out of that disastrous relationship (Kuroi had said he’d have to find away without my help since I was cutting him out of my life).
It wasn’t easy and took months of work, the police were called when Kimidori’s stalking involved Momoiroi. Accounts got closed, Kimidori got blocked, phone numbers were changed, and other accounts went private. After many many months of things between Kuroi and Kimidori still popping up we finally had everything covered to remove Kimidori from our life other than proximity. And yes Proximity did cause problems, Kimidori became a stalker both online, and physically. And Kuroi ended up at Kimidori’s place one drunken night.
Today, Kuroi lives with Momoroi at one apt, and I live at another. Kimidori is gone.
Kuroi has a lover, and many new friends and potential partners/lovers. And I have a few new friends and potential lovers.
There have been a lot of ideas, and plans between Kuroi and I. But most of that is on hold. Right now we are working to get past the emotional turmoil the last few years have created, and get back to being best friends, so we can potentially date each other properly again.
Just a sum up of close to a year worth of goings on. and not very detailed at that. <shrug> it is what it is
It has been a long while since last I posted here. Many things have happened.
At the end of October, I kicked Kuroi out, there were more lies and deceptions and I’d had enough. I wasn’t willing to have Kuroi even as a roommate under those circumstances. Kuroi moved in with Kimidori, who only became more possessive, demanding, jealous, and controlling. Things spiraled out of control for Kuroi. Kuroi was no longer able to visit with me or Momoiroi without a huge fight/argument with Kimidori. Kuroi began drinking more and more, and became more and more unreliable. After kicking Kuroi out I started going out dancing, and started dating, this further increased Kuroi’s stress. Kuroi did not handle my dating well at all.
Things just went really, really dark for my family for several months. Eventually Kuroi got an apt, but Kimidori moved into it with Kuroi. So Kuroi had more freedom, but was still being controlled. The first time Kuroi invited me and Momoiroi over during a time when Kimidori was free they had a huge argument that resulted in Kuroi kicking Kimidori out. They had another “break-up”
Kimidori and that relationship was clearly a negative in Kuroi’s life, but Kuroi felt obligated to Kimidori, and wanted certain things with Kimidori. So Kuroi asked for my help. Mostly in the form of my time. I spent a couple weeks living mostly out of a backpack and spent a lot of time at Kuroi’s place.
Our conversation around Kimidori shed light on what kept Kuroi going back to that relationship. Kuroi had found a D/s Relationship to explore. Something neither of them had little to no experience in till they meet each other. And something Kuroi wasn’t comfortable doing with/to me. With Kuroi and Kimidori living together Kimidori found new ways to manipulate and control things with Kuroi. Kimidori was looking for very specific types of D/s encounters with Kuroi, and would attempt to create the angry on the verge of violence moments to get what Kimidori wanted. Kuroi was beginning to believe that Kimidori wanted Kuroi to kill Kimidori. Things had become that violent (on both ends).
A couple months later I moved into a new space, one that Kimidori would not know the location of. I found out about Kuroi restarting the relationship with Kimidori and realized that was why Kuroi was not sticking to our agreements any longer. Another argument between Kuroi and I, but this time I knew how bad thing would get with physical violence between Kuroi and Kimidori. So I was very much NOT ok with Momoiroi being in that environment. After the argument, we both cooled down and I offered Kuroi one last chance to get out of that disastrous relationship (Kuroi had said he’d have to find away without my help since I was cutting him out of my life).
It wasn’t easy and took months of work, the police were called when Kimidori’s stalking involved Momoiroi. Accounts got closed, Kimidori got blocked, phone numbers were changed, and other accounts went private. After many many months of things between Kuroi and Kimidori still popping up we finally had everything covered to remove Kimidori from our life other than proximity. And yes Proximity did cause problems, Kimidori became a stalker both online, and physically. And Kuroi ended up at Kimidori’s place one drunken night.
Today, Kuroi lives with Momoroi at one apt, and I live at another. Kimidori is gone.
Kuroi has a lover, and many new friends and potential partners/lovers. And I have a few new friends and potential lovers.
There have been a lot of ideas, and plans between Kuroi and I. But most of that is on hold. Right now we are working to get past the emotional turmoil the last few years have created, and get back to being best friends, so we can potentially date each other properly again.
Just a sum up of close to a year worth of goings on. and not very detailed at that. <shrug> it is what it is
Murasaki
Member
After the drunken night where Kuroi eneded up at Kimidori's place this was discussed. No Kuroi didn't go there for Kimidori's personality, only for something physical. Kimidori isn't healthy mental or emotional. That was something we didn't see, and it brough our family into it's own unhealthy place. We are still working ourselves out of that.
There is still a lot of conversation going on. and emotional times between Kuroi and I. And many many nastalgic moments. We do need actual seperation, but living in the same city caring for our child together makes that very difficult. Plus we are still bound together. Not so much financially, more on a cerbral level, and as mates, and life partners. Even agreeing to not meet or see each other for just one week wasn't something either of us managed to stick to. thought we did attempt that. There are times when we barely see each other especially in the last month or so with our different schedules.
Now that Kimidori is no longer a part of Kuroi's life the texting between friends, lovers, ect is at an acceptable level without discussion. Even when Kuroi and new lover started dating and seeing a lot of each other the texting between them has been very much polite levels when ever Kuroi and I are together. It was mainly Kimidori demanding (and expecting) Kuroi's constant attention that caused that before.
Kimidori is still in the same city as we are, but as far as I can see Kimidori is a part of the past, and has actually stopped attempting to locate or communicate with Kuroi. Kuroi no longer believes there was Love there. Though Kuroi still maintains that Kuroi cares about Kimidori to some extent. Basicly Kuroi no longer feels that Kimidori will be a passion at the end of Kuroi's life like Kuroi believed before living with Kimidori.
Hi Murasaki,
It sounds like it has been an eventful year. I'm glad Kimidori is out of the picture now, she sounds like a toxic (even scary) person. Perhaps you and Kuroi can begin to mend now that things have settled down a bit. Not that it's guaranteed, but we can always hope.
Thanks for your update. It is good to hear that you are doing relatively okay at the moment.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like it has been an eventful year. I'm glad Kimidori is out of the picture now, she sounds like a toxic (even scary) person. Perhaps you and Kuroi can begin to mend now that things have settled down a bit. Not that it's guaranteed, but we can always hope.
Thanks for your update. It is good to hear that you are doing relatively okay at the moment.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Murasaki
Member
Kdt,
Kuroi and I will always be a part of each others life, how we will fit together remains to be determined. We may never be able to be more than friends again, or we may become lovers, and committed marriage partners again.
I expect we will remain poly people, but have no idea what the future hold in relationship with each other. I do hope we can become friends, and intimate lovers again.
I'm planning on moving out of state for a few months as a way of creating actual space and distance that is harder to break. We both feel at this time that it will be for the best. It'll be hard, but this is just one of many ideas and tentative plans we are working on.
Kuroi and I will always be a part of each others life, how we will fit together remains to be determined. We may never be able to be more than friends again, or we may become lovers, and committed marriage partners again.
I expect we will remain poly people, but have no idea what the future hold in relationship with each other. I do hope we can become friends, and intimate lovers again.
I'm planning on moving out of state for a few months as a way of creating actual space and distance that is harder to break. We both feel at this time that it will be for the best. It'll be hard, but this is just one of many ideas and tentative plans we are working on.
Murasaki
Member
Learning how to be friends
I've spent too many years in love with Kuroi, to many years.
It will be hard to be only friends, to let everything else go.
It is also hard to love a liar, but how does one unlove someone? What is love, real love if one can set it aside when things get difficult?
Will we ever heal? Will I ever find my own way out of the craziness of the last three years? So much negativity, some much hurt, deception, and manipulation.
At least today I feel I'm at a place that when next I'm told that I am a certain way I can stand up straight and delcare them to be wrong. I am not crazy, I am not violent. I am hurt, sad, angry, and yes the last few years of this has created a lot of bitterness, anxiety, and resentment.
Now to break free from the control that has been placed on me, and find a new way.
Life is hard, but it is also teaching us one lesson or another.
I've spent too many years in love with Kuroi, to many years.
It will be hard to be only friends, to let everything else go.
It is also hard to love a liar, but how does one unlove someone? What is love, real love if one can set it aside when things get difficult?
Will we ever heal? Will I ever find my own way out of the craziness of the last three years? So much negativity, some much hurt, deception, and manipulation.
At least today I feel I'm at a place that when next I'm told that I am a certain way I can stand up straight and delcare them to be wrong. I am not crazy, I am not violent. I am hurt, sad, angry, and yes the last few years of this has created a lot of bitterness, anxiety, and resentment.
Now to break free from the control that has been placed on me, and find a new way.
Life is hard, but it is also teaching us one lesson or another.
So, you are moving out of State for a few months, and Kuroi is not moving with you?
It sounds like you are hurting a lot, but getting through it the best you can.
Like you said, you and Kuroi will always be a part of each other's life. You just have to figure out how you'll fit together.
It sounds like you are hurting a lot, but getting through it the best you can.
Like you said, you and Kuroi will always be a part of each other's life. You just have to figure out how you'll fit together.
Murasaki
Member
Until this weekend I stil had hope for something else, This isn't what I wanted.
There is still time for things to change, but right now how I feel is that I won't be coming back. And that if i do it will be for Momoiroi not Kuroi. And I'll be sure to live much farther away than I do now. Distance makes some things so much easier.
That whole out of sight out of mind. But it is very hard, painful to not have Kuroi around, to not see Kuroi for long periods of time.
Finding out the truth of the last few month, discovering that how I was feeling; the suspicions I have tried to let go of, were real has been harsh. I have learned over these last few years that I can not trust Kuroi, and yet still I tried, still I wanted to. I saved Kuroi from the relationship that tore us apart, from the person that was destroying Kuroi. and now that relationship is full time again, maybe not as deasterous yet, but the crazy one has not changed. Kuroi knew that being involved with that person was my limit, my deal breaker.
So now to find a kind of friendship I can live with, ro to become distant enough to not hurt with longing, and unfullfilled desires.
There is still time for things to change, but right now how I feel is that I won't be coming back. And that if i do it will be for Momoiroi not Kuroi. And I'll be sure to live much farther away than I do now. Distance makes some things so much easier.
That whole out of sight out of mind. But it is very hard, painful to not have Kuroi around, to not see Kuroi for long periods of time.
Finding out the truth of the last few month, discovering that how I was feeling; the suspicions I have tried to let go of, were real has been harsh. I have learned over these last few years that I can not trust Kuroi, and yet still I tried, still I wanted to. I saved Kuroi from the relationship that tore us apart, from the person that was destroying Kuroi. and now that relationship is full time again, maybe not as deasterous yet, but the crazy one has not changed. Kuroi knew that being involved with that person was my limit, my deal breaker.
So now to find a kind of friendship I can live with, ro to become distant enough to not hurt with longing, and unfullfilled desires.
Murasaki
Member
let's run away together
get the band back together
a fresh start in a new city
we can do this
we can work it out
I'm ready to be just us again
so many possibilities, positive and negative possibilities. Another chance for us, family once again. A big risk, with potential big benefits.
lost, uncertainty, more compromise?
is compromise worth it, is compromise even feasible at this point?
what's my minimum?
my meta has no idea the things I've been told. No idea the stress created by the jealousy expressed, the stress and anxiety created with each and every agreement over my primary attempting to see me, spend time with me, spend a night with me, buy me something special for birthday, Christmas, or do anything special for holidays with me and our child.
My meta believes I'm exerting control over their relationship. I won't deny that this has happened or been attempted. However, my requests of my primary are just that. I've made many requests, many offers, and suggested many compromises. None have worked due to my metas jealousy and demands on our primary.
I have no issue with my primary having another SO, another person that is also primary. I have no issue with them having sex, or seeing each other regularly in a healthy, considerate, responsible relationship.
I take major issue with the way I am and have been treated by both my primary and my meta. I have issue with how my metas jealous and arguements with OUR primary, creating stress and anxiety with OUR primary that then creates tension and stress between me and my primary when ever we attempt to have time together. I have an issue with my metas harassment of me and my primary each and every time we've tried to take real time for just us. I have issue with my metas jealous and "discomfort" with my relationship with our primary keeping me from having the intimacy, time and attention of my primary that I want and need. (That's on my primary as much as on my meta though)
I need time where my meta isn't texting and calling, with messages that are basically, "pay attention to me", "pay attention to ME, right NOW, or else!"
Nothing tragic is going to occur if OUR primary takes a few hours or even a day or two for just the two of us, or for just OUR family (myself, my primary, and or child). spending time exclusively with me, or with me and our child is not the end of the world and doesn't mean that OUR primary has SUDDENLY stopped CARING (loving) my meta.
That attitude, the one that says my primary HAS to always respond to each and every text my meta sends, that my primary must answer every phone call or text in response to a missed phone call. That my primary must drop everything for my meta because my meta wants my primary right this moment, or because my meta didn't make fully thought our plans, that's something I take issue with. That and the belief that my primary and I have no need to be alone, to be physically intimate, from small things like holding hands, and getting cuddles, to bigger things like spending the night together, sex. I take real issue with that. MY metas pouting, and negativity and argumentativeness around how my primary and I interact with in view in private and/or public spaces, or how we interact in private or public spaces outside of my metsa view is a large part of why I have been done with being accepting of my meta.
Another big part of why I have been done with accepting my meta as a part of my primary's life has to do with the negative things I'm being told about my meta and about that relationship. The control, and manipulation I see my meta exerts on our primary isn't healthy. MY metas obsession, the stalker things my meta does when our primary has broken things off, or has chosen to not see my meta for a day or more, are not healthy.
I however am not innocent in this either.
I and my primary have been really nasty to each other over one meta or another. I have not reacted in healthy ways to a lot of the stress I've had to live with. So in that regard I can understand my metas lack of healthy reactions.
These things need to stop on all fronts; I need to be confident and respond in healthy ways, my meta needs to be confident and respond in healthy ways, and our primary needs to be confident and respond in healthy ways.
I love my primary very much, I love my primary inspite of the stupid and sometimes hurtful things that my primary has done or said. I love my primary, and want happiness for the people I love and care about. If having my meta stay a part of my primaries life makes my primary happy, then so be it.
However, things between my primary and I have to change for the better.
love, tenderness, commitment, concern, intimacy, family, sexual intimacy, dating, sensuality, fetish, D/s, compassion, thoughtfulness, cuddles, kisses, companionship, marriage
these are important, but what do they mean for myself? What do they mean for my primary? What do they mean for my meta?
I can only speak for myself, I can talk with my primary about my needs versus wants in the above, but my meta and I are not where we can speak on cordial terms right now.
MINIMAL needs that I have and can (our have) express to my primary easily
1) 3-4 (24 hour) days each week living together as a family with our child. including days my primary and I have off from jobs.
2) 2 date nights each month
3) The ability to have a full week or more as a couple/family when needed or requested.
4) A calender shared with my primary and any metas that shows time/days needed/wanted so that compromises and negotiations can happen effectively.
**Example: (not real in any way) calendar day Jan 16th me+ kid NEED primary for school things
Feb 10-13 me NEED primary for family visit
Feb 20 WANT primary for date night
Feb 25 WANT primary for family night
Mar 10 WANT primary for date night
same calender
Jan 13th meta NEED primary for doctor things
Feb 12 WANT primary for date night
Feb 18 -21 NEED for family visit
March 6-13 WANT/NEED for vacation out of town
° Seeing these events posted in a calendar we can all see allows us to each make changes, compromise, negotiate, adjust plans, etc around each other. So I could change my request for a date night giving them that family visit, then they can take a vacation on a different week and I could have a few days with my primary either before or after depending on any other events going on.
5) For the days and nights, dating times, family times to have minimal communication between my primary and meta especially in the first month. And for the messages received by my primary to not be demands on my primaries time and attention, unless it is something very important.
**COMPROMISE, I can understand this being difficult, and can totally understand and accept confidence building compassionate phone call(s), or text(a) reminding my meta that our primary loves my meta, and isn't leaving my meta. So a phone call saying that my primary loves my meta and will see/talk to my meta when able, or giving a time that my primary will call again is fine occasionally. However having to do that all the time, every time my primary is with me will not be acceptable, having to call multiply times every day, or sending/receiving hundreds of text messages just is not ok.
6) To be in control (jointly with my primary) of what my primary and I can do with each other, what we can be to each other, how we interact with each other, and how we present ourselves to other people.
I can be considerate of my primary's other relationship in doing this; however, allowing my meta to dictate how my primary and I are with each other, how we introduce ourselves and not having any say in how they introduce themselves to many of the same people isn't acceptable. An agreement on introductions would need to be made here, and everyone would need to respect each other and what ever decision gets made. NO MORE CONTROL NO one relationship should control the other. Time for change
7) To be at least a 45 min drive away from my meta.
Considering the last three years I need the distance and physical space. I think it is likely that my meta wants distance as well. This could change but I don't see that happening in the near future.
8) For my address and location to be mine and not to be shared with my meta, no more pounding on my doors and peaking in windows demanding to see and speak to our primary. No more being trapped in my own apt because my meta won't go away.
I have no need of knowing my meta's address unless my child will be staying there. If my child is ever to spend a night at my meta's place then I'll need to know where that is so I can be there for my child's sake. (there have been times when my child needed to get out and away from my primary and meta due to their fighting and arguing)
All of those 8 things I have no issue with my meta and primary having between them as well, so long as I get treated the way I want to be treated. So long as my primary and I are able to have our time the way I need things to be for myself (right now) I'm fine with them having what they need between them.
what I need most is an end.
an end to the craziness
an end to the deceptions and lies
an end to the jealous control of another person on me and my family
And if that can't happen then my primary needs to say so, and cut me loose, tell me it's done between us.
This is a huge compromise very much outside of what I agreed to in moving with my primary to this new city. This move was risky for me, I'd like the risk I've taken the work I've done to have been worth it, to have some positive outcome for me and me family. But if that isn't to be then I need to know soon and not be held in limbo, watching, waiting, hurting, hoping for months.
get the band back together
a fresh start in a new city
we can do this
we can work it out
I'm ready to be just us again
so many possibilities, positive and negative possibilities. Another chance for us, family once again. A big risk, with potential big benefits.
lost, uncertainty, more compromise?
is compromise worth it, is compromise even feasible at this point?
what's my minimum?
my meta has no idea the things I've been told. No idea the stress created by the jealousy expressed, the stress and anxiety created with each and every agreement over my primary attempting to see me, spend time with me, spend a night with me, buy me something special for birthday, Christmas, or do anything special for holidays with me and our child.
My meta believes I'm exerting control over their relationship. I won't deny that this has happened or been attempted. However, my requests of my primary are just that. I've made many requests, many offers, and suggested many compromises. None have worked due to my metas jealousy and demands on our primary.
I have no issue with my primary having another SO, another person that is also primary. I have no issue with them having sex, or seeing each other regularly in a healthy, considerate, responsible relationship.
I take major issue with the way I am and have been treated by both my primary and my meta. I have issue with how my metas jealous and arguements with OUR primary, creating stress and anxiety with OUR primary that then creates tension and stress between me and my primary when ever we attempt to have time together. I have an issue with my metas harassment of me and my primary each and every time we've tried to take real time for just us. I have issue with my metas jealous and "discomfort" with my relationship with our primary keeping me from having the intimacy, time and attention of my primary that I want and need. (That's on my primary as much as on my meta though)
I need time where my meta isn't texting and calling, with messages that are basically, "pay attention to me", "pay attention to ME, right NOW, or else!"
Nothing tragic is going to occur if OUR primary takes a few hours or even a day or two for just the two of us, or for just OUR family (myself, my primary, and or child). spending time exclusively with me, or with me and our child is not the end of the world and doesn't mean that OUR primary has SUDDENLY stopped CARING (loving) my meta.
That attitude, the one that says my primary HAS to always respond to each and every text my meta sends, that my primary must answer every phone call or text in response to a missed phone call. That my primary must drop everything for my meta because my meta wants my primary right this moment, or because my meta didn't make fully thought our plans, that's something I take issue with. That and the belief that my primary and I have no need to be alone, to be physically intimate, from small things like holding hands, and getting cuddles, to bigger things like spending the night together, sex. I take real issue with that. MY metas pouting, and negativity and argumentativeness around how my primary and I interact with in view in private and/or public spaces, or how we interact in private or public spaces outside of my metsa view is a large part of why I have been done with being accepting of my meta.
Another big part of why I have been done with accepting my meta as a part of my primary's life has to do with the negative things I'm being told about my meta and about that relationship. The control, and manipulation I see my meta exerts on our primary isn't healthy. MY metas obsession, the stalker things my meta does when our primary has broken things off, or has chosen to not see my meta for a day or more, are not healthy.
I however am not innocent in this either.
I and my primary have been really nasty to each other over one meta or another. I have not reacted in healthy ways to a lot of the stress I've had to live with. So in that regard I can understand my metas lack of healthy reactions.
These things need to stop on all fronts; I need to be confident and respond in healthy ways, my meta needs to be confident and respond in healthy ways, and our primary needs to be confident and respond in healthy ways.
I love my primary very much, I love my primary inspite of the stupid and sometimes hurtful things that my primary has done or said. I love my primary, and want happiness for the people I love and care about. If having my meta stay a part of my primaries life makes my primary happy, then so be it.
However, things between my primary and I have to change for the better.
love, tenderness, commitment, concern, intimacy, family, sexual intimacy, dating, sensuality, fetish, D/s, compassion, thoughtfulness, cuddles, kisses, companionship, marriage
these are important, but what do they mean for myself? What do they mean for my primary? What do they mean for my meta?
I can only speak for myself, I can talk with my primary about my needs versus wants in the above, but my meta and I are not where we can speak on cordial terms right now.
MINIMAL needs that I have and can (our have) express to my primary easily
1) 3-4 (24 hour) days each week living together as a family with our child. including days my primary and I have off from jobs.
2) 2 date nights each month
3) The ability to have a full week or more as a couple/family when needed or requested.
4) A calender shared with my primary and any metas that shows time/days needed/wanted so that compromises and negotiations can happen effectively.
**Example: (not real in any way) calendar day Jan 16th me+ kid NEED primary for school things
Feb 10-13 me NEED primary for family visit
Feb 20 WANT primary for date night
Feb 25 WANT primary for family night
Mar 10 WANT primary for date night
same calender
Jan 13th meta NEED primary for doctor things
Feb 12 WANT primary for date night
Feb 18 -21 NEED for family visit
March 6-13 WANT/NEED for vacation out of town
° Seeing these events posted in a calendar we can all see allows us to each make changes, compromise, negotiate, adjust plans, etc around each other. So I could change my request for a date night giving them that family visit, then they can take a vacation on a different week and I could have a few days with my primary either before or after depending on any other events going on.
5) For the days and nights, dating times, family times to have minimal communication between my primary and meta especially in the first month. And for the messages received by my primary to not be demands on my primaries time and attention, unless it is something very important.
**COMPROMISE, I can understand this being difficult, and can totally understand and accept confidence building compassionate phone call(s), or text(a) reminding my meta that our primary loves my meta, and isn't leaving my meta. So a phone call saying that my primary loves my meta and will see/talk to my meta when able, or giving a time that my primary will call again is fine occasionally. However having to do that all the time, every time my primary is with me will not be acceptable, having to call multiply times every day, or sending/receiving hundreds of text messages just is not ok.
6) To be in control (jointly with my primary) of what my primary and I can do with each other, what we can be to each other, how we interact with each other, and how we present ourselves to other people.
I can be considerate of my primary's other relationship in doing this; however, allowing my meta to dictate how my primary and I are with each other, how we introduce ourselves and not having any say in how they introduce themselves to many of the same people isn't acceptable. An agreement on introductions would need to be made here, and everyone would need to respect each other and what ever decision gets made. NO MORE CONTROL NO one relationship should control the other. Time for change
7) To be at least a 45 min drive away from my meta.
Considering the last three years I need the distance and physical space. I think it is likely that my meta wants distance as well. This could change but I don't see that happening in the near future.
8) For my address and location to be mine and not to be shared with my meta, no more pounding on my doors and peaking in windows demanding to see and speak to our primary. No more being trapped in my own apt because my meta won't go away.
I have no need of knowing my meta's address unless my child will be staying there. If my child is ever to spend a night at my meta's place then I'll need to know where that is so I can be there for my child's sake. (there have been times when my child needed to get out and away from my primary and meta due to their fighting and arguing)
All of those 8 things I have no issue with my meta and primary having between them as well, so long as I get treated the way I want to be treated. So long as my primary and I are able to have our time the way I need things to be for myself (right now) I'm fine with them having what they need between them.
what I need most is an end.
an end to the craziness
an end to the deceptions and lies
an end to the jealous control of another person on me and my family
And if that can't happen then my primary needs to say so, and cut me loose, tell me it's done between us.
This is a huge compromise very much outside of what I agreed to in moving with my primary to this new city. This move was risky for me, I'd like the risk I've taken the work I've done to have been worth it, to have some positive outcome for me and me family. But if that isn't to be then I need to know soon and not be held in limbo, watching, waiting, hurting, hoping for months.
Murasaki
Member
Apologies
All three of us owe each other thoughtful, heartfelt, meaningful apologies for the way we have acted individually, and within our relationships to each other. We each need to apologize for how we have acted, how we have behaved poorly towards one another.
We each need to recognize how we feel individually, and what we each want from our relationship(s).
me with my primary, me with and towards my meta
my primary with and towards me
my primary with and towards my meta
my meta with and towards me
my meta with and towards my primary
we need to acknowledge and accept that we each made mistakes, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and/or help with things we find difficult.
acceptance, forgiveness, willing to be understanding, and willing to help each other where needed in getting better, healthier interactions.
even if all we manage right now is the apology and begin with forgiveness that would be a step in the right direction. A direction towards acceptance of the past and a healthier beginning for the future, any future.
"don't discount any possibility" that's what my primary likes to tell me.
All three of us owe each other thoughtful, heartfelt, meaningful apologies for the way we have acted individually, and within our relationships to each other. We each need to apologize for how we have acted, how we have behaved poorly towards one another.
We each need to recognize how we feel individually, and what we each want from our relationship(s).
me with my primary, me with and towards my meta
my primary with and towards me
my primary with and towards my meta
my meta with and towards me
my meta with and towards my primary
we need to acknowledge and accept that we each made mistakes, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and/or help with things we find difficult.
acceptance, forgiveness, willing to be understanding, and willing to help each other where needed in getting better, healthier interactions.
even if all we manage right now is the apology and begin with forgiveness that would be a step in the right direction. A direction towards acceptance of the past and a healthier beginning for the future, any future.
"don't discount any possibility" that's what my primary likes to tell me.