​The thoughts and condition of Murasaki

Thoughtful words, that work in many situations.

GalaGirl said:
If it helps, I feel same. I love kids, but I feel strongly about wanting my kids to be in wedlock. Divorce, accidents leaving people widowed -- LIFE happens. So it doesn't always end up that way of course, but that is what I hoped and wanted for ME. Parenting = just me and DH.

Solution? Closed through Active Parenting. Don't need oopsie babies, don't need drama over reproductive desires not lining up with romantic desires of other partners. Don't want other people's wants, needs, and limits to have to consider in baby makin'. Don't want to deal in weird custody things. Don't want to deal in co-parenting with anyone but him.

I know some friends who do the poly-parenting tribe thing and that works for them. I think it is great - for them. More than happy to be supportive.
But I don't want that parenting option for myself. My willingness is not there for parenting in that style. DH is also not willing.

It's hard to be in the Limbo place while still discussing it with them. But keep talking, hang in there. You will get there. To the place where "There! All is settled! One way or another!"

You do not have to explain why you feel how you do. You just report willingness. You are willing to do X at this time. You are not willing to do Y at this time. You are willing to alert if your willingness should change. But the forecast for changing-ness on that is NO. Looking like hard limit. Are they willing to live with that or not to be in triad-ship with you?

So you could just be ok with this is just how you feel about it. It is a HARD LIMIT thing for you. There it is. There's no need to bang your head on the wall here. You are not a horrible person to have a hard limit. Everyone has something somewhere. They don't all have to be the same kinds of hard limits.

If they can agree to respect the limit, great. If not able to agree? Everyone will deal with it not being a runner. Disappointing, but Life is Life.

If it's a runner for a time, it is a runner for a time. If that time ends or wants and needs change and updates are needed to agreements? Could renegotiate. If not possible? Could know that it could include breaking up. Keep it real over there. It will be ok however it plays out.

People don't polyship for it to be a piece of cake all the time. People do it because they want to love their people, and love them hard.

And that includes loving yourself. However it is you happen to be. Even with whatever soft/hard limits you happen to come with! Be kinder to you being your honest, authentic self.

Remember to BREATHE.

Galagirl
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Sounds like you've thought things through at length. I hope you, your primary, and meta, can come to some kind of agreement you can all live with.
 
More good things. Something to save here for later.

GalaGirl said:
ON RESPONSIVENESS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATION

LovingRadiance asked me to elaborate on "responsiveness" in my playbook on my visitor wall today. I replied to LovingRadiance in PM and I also wanted to put it in my blog thread so I could expand a bit more.

It just fits the whole theme of today soooo well.

My emotionally abused/divorcing(?) friend who is enduring the crazy asked to hang out this afternoon because friend needed a sympathetic ear. I said ok and friend came over and vented at me about all kinds of nutty that was going on.

Friend is fed up and frustrated and upset and largely it is because partner? Apart from being nutty? Is playing the AVOIDY DANCE. Basically do everything BUT engage and respond in a constructive way.

So yah. Responsiveness matters in a relationship. I have the right to that. Do not play here if you don't plan to give me that right!

The Right to Responsiveness?*

DO NOT be Mr or Ms Avoidy to me. LISTEN and RESPOND to me when I try to engage with you.*

Do not ignore me or stonewall me or do the "uh-huh, sure, yah" and play whatever song just to get me to shut up but not*really*be a part of constructive conversation or problem solving.*

Then consider the issue "solved" because "we didn't really talk about it and if it was important we would have" (ignoring me) or it is solved because "we already talked about it." (I talk, you stonewall me and don't give me any information or feedback.)

Um... no. Either way? All I said*went into a black hole.This is not a two way relationship when you do that to me. It is me pitching things into the black hole of nonresponsiveness. RESPOND!
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If you agree to be in relationship with me, you have agreed to the polyship playbook. You have promised to follow through on promises and that promise includes granting my RIGHTS in this relationship. Right to responsiveness is one of them!

You don't have to give me instant gratification -- respond to me and go "Listen, I see this is important conversation but this is not a good time. Could we do it on Saturday when there's chance to have a big block of uninterrupted time rather than rushing 10 min convo on the drive home?"

Sure. We can negotiate appointment for Big Conversation. That is fine. You have responded to me appropriately. You did not leave me out on a limb.

Ways to leave me out on a limb by NOT responding appropriately?

  • If you ignore what I am saying or the need to talk entirely? Ostrich? We are not having constructive conversation to move this forward.
  • If you obfuscate and cloud/confuse the main issue? We are not having constructive conversation to move this forward.
  • If you bring up totally unrelated topics -- even if also valid problems that we need to deal with -- it's not giving THIS problem it's proper air time. We are not having constructive conversation to move this forward.
  • If you play tit for tat? That's the blame game. We are not having constructive conversation to move this forward.

Oh, there's other techniques to avoid having the conversation that needs to be had. Could misremember, could "I didn't say that/mean it that way/you took it wrong," could accuse, give up, lots of things. Still not having constructive conversation and moving it forward.

After enough avoidy dance? I can only conclude that I have to check the number of strikes so far. Because I'm too young/old for neverending shit like this.
  • You are a Muppet. Not a Jedi player. Esp if you seem fully capable and just don't want to deal in honesty. Lying is a strike 1 you are out.
  • You have negative thinking with cognitive distortions perhaps. Won't seek help on that? Are we on 3 strikes? We're done. I can't be with a negative person. It's a DRAIN.
  • Avoiding the conversation is more important to you than engaging forthrightly with me. Are we on 3 strikes? We're done. I can be with Mr or Ms Avoidy. It's a DRAIN.

I was just telling DH the summary of the whole friend situation and he says he is agog at all the shenanigans.

I am not agog. I am not surprised. There is NOTHING new under the sun.

When my friend was describing the nutty to me I was thinking -- "UGH!" Friend was all "UGH!" too.

This person is showing that they are more interested in their own way than in having constructive conversation or the well being of their partner (my friend). That's about it. Plain and simple.

I just wrote about having stress and it triggering my anxiety/panic stuff in previous entry. Well, dealing with conflict in a sane way goes a looong way in reducing my stress. So does thinking about stress management and applying those skills to reduce my stress load.

So does not engaging with people who deny me the right to responsiveness.

I want two way street RELATIONSHIPS -- not talking to walls or one-way relationships where I feed black holes to my own depletion. Oy!

GG
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Been a while

Wow, it's been close to a year since I updated this. Really not sure what to say.

Not sure it's worth it to catch my story up or not. As you may imagine much has happened. I've moved several times. Not certain what is real with Kuroi, but I listen to his things when he wants to talk about them. Lots a possibilities in his life, good for him. No idea if he is truly happy or not.

As for myself, I'm living between my people in Texas and "family" in Louisiana. It's not perfect, but I'm reasonably happy. I miss my people. I don't get to see any of my people very often, but when I do it's beautiful. In the mean time, we all share life and laughs via text and the occasional phone call.

No idea if I'll continue in this blog/journal or not as of yet
 
Good to hear from you again Murasaki. Sounds like a lot has happened since last February.
 
Well I'm officially dating both my loves, I've accepted or agreed to relationship titles/terminology with one love and considering alternative title with the other.

You know that bf/gf thing. Yeah not my style generally speaking, but it means something to my love. Having titles has been wanted for a while. And after the big end of the year party thing we all went to I finally asked what titles were desired.

Omg, now all the fun teasing over it. Many jokes, all the smiles.

That's not to say there isn't stress or drama. There is, but I feel these things will work themselves out. One direction or another things will be what they will be.

Perhaps I'll write more later
 
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When you say both of your loves, I take it you mean Kuroi and one other person. (I didn't realize there were two people.)

Good to hear from you as always.
 
I have two lovers not including Kuroi. I've yet to give them names here. I'll call one Darkness the other Mysteriousness

Kuroi and I aren't exactly lovers, but aren't exactly not lovers either. Hmm I think at this point we'd be considered fuck buddies or friends with benefits type thing. Though that's likely to change with the winds.
 
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