Ladies and Gents,
I've tried to keep away from the forum in dealing with this really f-ed up thing that's happened in my life, but, sadly, I find that I am failing at dealing with it as well as I want to, and I need your two cents, or to vent at least. Sorry about the absurdly long post, but here are the facts:
1. I dated a girl for about two years. It was the best relationship of my life, but I was always rather ambivalent, thinking that I could do better. I loved her, but I couldn't shake the ambivalence no matter what I did.
2. I broke up with her two years in, we didn't speak for six months, she dated someone else, but a year later, we got back together. We were together for another year and it was pretty awesome. I had that ambivalence every now and then, but overall, I was very happy.
3. Here's where things get messy. My girlfriend is an actress. And she auditioned repeatedly for plays that would take her out of the country for six months at a time. That's the nature of her job - actors travel. Seeing her do this repeatedly, and having saved up some money, I decided to do what she would do if she was cast in these plays. I went to Thailand for six months to pursue my dream - writing a novel. We decided to try an open relationship.
4. Pretty much the only rule I asked for is that she doesn't date actors she's worked with in the past, is working with or is likely to work with in the future. About a month in, she told me someone had asked her out. I felt pretty terrible about it and I found out that it was an actor she had worked with in the past. I checked him out on facebook, didn't feel TOO threatened, and decided to make an exception to my rule and said she could date him.
5. I went to Thailand in October. In January she visited me. We fought a lot because I'm a bit of a hippy and she's more of a city princess and she didn't really enjoy the 3rd World aspect of Thailand and I kind of resented her for being anxious and annoyed all the time, even though we were in an incredibly nice place with incredibly nice conditions.
6. She left. We talked on the phone. I told her that it was really no good that we were fighting all the time. We had fought a bunch on previous trips together as well, again because of different traveling styles, me being more into adventure/carousing, her being more into pampering/relaxing. I asked her to order a Buddhist book on Anger. She did and told me so. I told her that's great, but that I had seen many people order that book and not actually read it, so we had to see if she would finish it. This was pompous and condescending and rather assholish, I know, but it's what happened.
7. I think that being apart for months and months, and the negative experiences together in Thailand, and me being frustrated with how angry she was all the time (she has a tendency to react to anxiety with irritation at times), led her to feel more distant from me. We also exchanged e-mails about how we see our lives in the future, and I pointed out to her many ways in which I wanted my life to be different than how she wanted it. (Less of an emphasis on material things, more on traveling to exotic places). In a certain way, I was pushing her away with this e-mail. I think a part of me wanted our relationship to end, so I would be free to pursue girls who were more on the same page as I was in terms of love-of-adventure, easy-goingness, etc.
8. I should add that about a month into my trip, my girlfriend had decided that about a month after I come back, she was going to go Portland in order to pursue certain career goals. There's a great theater scene there, a better quality of life than in New York City (where we live), it made sense as a career move. But because this long-distance open relationship was really taking a toll on us, we decided that when she goes to Portland, we were going to break up.
9. Then came Valentine's Day. She called me and asked if I was still okay with the fact that she was dating someone long-term. I had told her originally that I would have been fine with that. I said that's fine, but would they be seeing each other for Valentine's Day? She said that they would be, but that it was only because they had not been able to find a time to get together that week, and she didn't think Valentine's Day mattered to me.
10. This fucked with my mind to no end, as you can imagine. She ended up cancelling the Valentine's Day date with him, but I was pretty much never the same. I became really worried about our relationship, would ask her for reassurance. We seemed to be growing more and more distant.
11. Finally, about four weeks before I was coming back, I asked her if we could close the relationship for the last two weeks that I was away. I wrote her an honest letter, telling her that I was feeling very vulnerable and that all kinds of abandonment issues were coming up for me (father stuff) and asking her to please help me out and not see this guy for the last two weeks.
12. The thing that crushed me, is that, when we spoke about a day or two after I had sent that letter, she said that she didn't want to do that. She said she wanted to be with me when I returned, but she felt that it was unfair of me to ask to close the relationship whenever I wanted, and that she wanted to "ride it out". You can imagine how much that fucked with me. I said that that's fine, but that then we can't be together. We broke up, and I suspended communication with her for the last three weeks of my stay in Thailand.
13. I returned from Thailand. I was sick, jobless and had to stay with a friend. But I was able to quickly recover my health (Chinese herbs) and recover my job (I work, ironically, as a psychotherapist). I didn't focus on how much her not closing the relationship had hurt me and her and I got back together.
14. She hasn't seen the other guy since then. In a way, we've grown progressively closer. I know she loves me. She has a picture of two stuffed animals that represent the two of us on her phone wall paper, she wants to not break up when she goes to Portland, she wants me to go visit her there. When we are together, there is a lot of sweetness between us. I love her, and, honestly, I wish I had realized that before going to Thailand.
15. At the same time, I feel traumatized by these events. I get profoundly anxious thinking about them. My mood cycles between fear, sadness and anger all the time, with only momentary returns to sanity. I am usually a happy, optimistic, positive person, so this is really different and really devastating for me. I feel like I don't have control of my own mind.
16. I've been trying to deal, I really have. I've been doing yoga, working out, biking to work. I've been journaling, meditating, talking to friends and listening to Buddhist teachings. I've been trying damn hard to stay positive and in the month and three weeks that I've been back, I've managed to do a lot of good. But I can't shake the sense that I was betrayed, the anger, the anxiety, the sadness, the fear - I just can't shake them.
17. She is leaving for Portland next Wednesday. I am not going to stay together with her because I know I won't be able to handle it. I am also thinking of asking her to not speak for two months - I need some time to heal. Sweet God, I've been suffering a lot and I just need to recover a slight sense of ease, a slight sense of hope, optimism, well-being.
I know that I did some things wrong in this very long story I told. But if I could get any insight, any clarity, any relief or any good advice from you guys, I would truly greatly appreciate it.
Keep on rocking as always,
Alexander
I've tried to keep away from the forum in dealing with this really f-ed up thing that's happened in my life, but, sadly, I find that I am failing at dealing with it as well as I want to, and I need your two cents, or to vent at least. Sorry about the absurdly long post, but here are the facts:
1. I dated a girl for about two years. It was the best relationship of my life, but I was always rather ambivalent, thinking that I could do better. I loved her, but I couldn't shake the ambivalence no matter what I did.
2. I broke up with her two years in, we didn't speak for six months, she dated someone else, but a year later, we got back together. We were together for another year and it was pretty awesome. I had that ambivalence every now and then, but overall, I was very happy.
3. Here's where things get messy. My girlfriend is an actress. And she auditioned repeatedly for plays that would take her out of the country for six months at a time. That's the nature of her job - actors travel. Seeing her do this repeatedly, and having saved up some money, I decided to do what she would do if she was cast in these plays. I went to Thailand for six months to pursue my dream - writing a novel. We decided to try an open relationship.
4. Pretty much the only rule I asked for is that she doesn't date actors she's worked with in the past, is working with or is likely to work with in the future. About a month in, she told me someone had asked her out. I felt pretty terrible about it and I found out that it was an actor she had worked with in the past. I checked him out on facebook, didn't feel TOO threatened, and decided to make an exception to my rule and said she could date him.
5. I went to Thailand in October. In January she visited me. We fought a lot because I'm a bit of a hippy and she's more of a city princess and she didn't really enjoy the 3rd World aspect of Thailand and I kind of resented her for being anxious and annoyed all the time, even though we were in an incredibly nice place with incredibly nice conditions.
6. She left. We talked on the phone. I told her that it was really no good that we were fighting all the time. We had fought a bunch on previous trips together as well, again because of different traveling styles, me being more into adventure/carousing, her being more into pampering/relaxing. I asked her to order a Buddhist book on Anger. She did and told me so. I told her that's great, but that I had seen many people order that book and not actually read it, so we had to see if she would finish it. This was pompous and condescending and rather assholish, I know, but it's what happened.
7. I think that being apart for months and months, and the negative experiences together in Thailand, and me being frustrated with how angry she was all the time (she has a tendency to react to anxiety with irritation at times), led her to feel more distant from me. We also exchanged e-mails about how we see our lives in the future, and I pointed out to her many ways in which I wanted my life to be different than how she wanted it. (Less of an emphasis on material things, more on traveling to exotic places). In a certain way, I was pushing her away with this e-mail. I think a part of me wanted our relationship to end, so I would be free to pursue girls who were more on the same page as I was in terms of love-of-adventure, easy-goingness, etc.
8. I should add that about a month into my trip, my girlfriend had decided that about a month after I come back, she was going to go Portland in order to pursue certain career goals. There's a great theater scene there, a better quality of life than in New York City (where we live), it made sense as a career move. But because this long-distance open relationship was really taking a toll on us, we decided that when she goes to Portland, we were going to break up.
9. Then came Valentine's Day. She called me and asked if I was still okay with the fact that she was dating someone long-term. I had told her originally that I would have been fine with that. I said that's fine, but would they be seeing each other for Valentine's Day? She said that they would be, but that it was only because they had not been able to find a time to get together that week, and she didn't think Valentine's Day mattered to me.
10. This fucked with my mind to no end, as you can imagine. She ended up cancelling the Valentine's Day date with him, but I was pretty much never the same. I became really worried about our relationship, would ask her for reassurance. We seemed to be growing more and more distant.
11. Finally, about four weeks before I was coming back, I asked her if we could close the relationship for the last two weeks that I was away. I wrote her an honest letter, telling her that I was feeling very vulnerable and that all kinds of abandonment issues were coming up for me (father stuff) and asking her to please help me out and not see this guy for the last two weeks.
12. The thing that crushed me, is that, when we spoke about a day or two after I had sent that letter, she said that she didn't want to do that. She said she wanted to be with me when I returned, but she felt that it was unfair of me to ask to close the relationship whenever I wanted, and that she wanted to "ride it out". You can imagine how much that fucked with me. I said that that's fine, but that then we can't be together. We broke up, and I suspended communication with her for the last three weeks of my stay in Thailand.
13. I returned from Thailand. I was sick, jobless and had to stay with a friend. But I was able to quickly recover my health (Chinese herbs) and recover my job (I work, ironically, as a psychotherapist). I didn't focus on how much her not closing the relationship had hurt me and her and I got back together.
14. She hasn't seen the other guy since then. In a way, we've grown progressively closer. I know she loves me. She has a picture of two stuffed animals that represent the two of us on her phone wall paper, she wants to not break up when she goes to Portland, she wants me to go visit her there. When we are together, there is a lot of sweetness between us. I love her, and, honestly, I wish I had realized that before going to Thailand.
15. At the same time, I feel traumatized by these events. I get profoundly anxious thinking about them. My mood cycles between fear, sadness and anger all the time, with only momentary returns to sanity. I am usually a happy, optimistic, positive person, so this is really different and really devastating for me. I feel like I don't have control of my own mind.
16. I've been trying to deal, I really have. I've been doing yoga, working out, biking to work. I've been journaling, meditating, talking to friends and listening to Buddhist teachings. I've been trying damn hard to stay positive and in the month and three weeks that I've been back, I've managed to do a lot of good. But I can't shake the sense that I was betrayed, the anger, the anxiety, the sadness, the fear - I just can't shake them.
17. She is leaving for Portland next Wednesday. I am not going to stay together with her because I know I won't be able to handle it. I am also thinking of asking her to not speak for two months - I need some time to heal. Sweet God, I've been suffering a lot and I just need to recover a slight sense of ease, a slight sense of hope, optimism, well-being.
I know that I did some things wrong in this very long story I told. But if I could get any insight, any clarity, any relief or any good advice from you guys, I would truly greatly appreciate it.
Keep on rocking as always,
Alexander
