Thinking about "going poly"

[nativeprincess35]

I am not sure where to even start, but I am feeling like polyamory might be what I am looking for, relationship-wise. I am currently in a situation with a boyfriend I have had for eight years now. We have had our on-again-off-again moments, because he is younger and seems to not know exactly what he wants, or he doesn't feel he gets "everything" from me.

I am fine with that. I love him so much that I have suggested opening the relationship up, not just for sexual purposes, for the all around finding another woman that can fulfill what I can not. He swears he will always love me, and is currently pursuing somebody else, while still living, sleeping, and emotionally attached to me. I have suggested a poly relationship to him and he just shakes his head and chuckles. He has always said he can't fathom handling two women. But he is doing just that!

We have both been on this, on-again-off again. Possibly also have emotional ties to somebody else. It sounds poly to me. Am I wrong?

 

[NeonKaos]

Does his other girlfriend know about you or is he stringing her along?

 

[redpepper]

Does his other girlfriend know about you or is he stringing her along?

Good question. That would indicate polyamory, or not, to me. Otherwise it's either cheating or "open."

It looks like until he is ready to go one way or the other, you are stuck waiting for him.

 

[nativeprincess35]

That would indicate poly, or not, to me. Otherwise it's either cheating or "open."

It looks like until he is ready to go one way or the other, you are stuck waiting for him.

Actually she does know, through a series of events I put together to make her call me. Kinda sneaky, I know. I have suggested this kind of thing to him before, as he is such a flirt, and loves the company of women. He can be sneaky. When I confronted him about if there was somebody else about a month before I contacted her, he swore he would never ever leave me again. This happened once before, seven years ago, and he was miserable without me.

She knows about us still living together, and that he still loves me, but how he feels that there is something missing. He has told her that he can not and will not promise to move where she is (6 hours south of us), but that he has to go to where the work is. He also told her that he and I will always have the closest of connections, no matter what.

They currently meet every couple of weeks about halfway between here and where she lives. My bf and I are in a struggle right now as his job and his security with who he is, is on the line. I think that is what prompted all this-- his own insecurities in himself.

She and I have talked on the phone twice. The first time, I set up for her to call, and made sure she realized he was already involved. It was a shocker to her, but not 100% to me. The second time was after she had dropped him off and was driving home, and my bf and I were discussing things, and he wanted me to talk to her directly. He refused to answer the phone when she called, so I eventually did, as she was getting upset that he didn't answer, and I didn't want anything to happen to her while driving. Of course, she seemed to want nothing to do with talking to me, so I sent her an email instead, and got no reply.

I guess that maybe he mistook my suggesting "opening" the relationship up as he was free to go and have his fun with nobody the wiser. But I clarified that last night. He is meeting with her again tomorrow. Maybe he will bring my suggestion up with her. Meanwhile, I am in the process of moving out, mostly because we will shortly be losing our apartment because it comes with his job.

I love him, and he loves me. I have absolutely no doubt about that. He is telling her that he loves her too, but explains it is different with her. I understand that. They have not been intimate yet, as he says he wants to go slowly with that with her, if it ever gets to that. If they have been together in that way, all the more power to them. It is part of our human nature to be sexual. Just don't lie about it, I guess. I think he just has an issue with admitting this is really the lifestyle he wants and the work it will take to make it work... IDK.

Any and all suggestions, comments are welcome and will be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[redpepper]

It's kind of a red flag that she is completely unwilling to talk to you. I think if I were you I would be working on finding out what that is about.

For me, everything goes along much more smoothly and with better results when everyone is talking and working towards finding ways to have a healthy relationship. For me, not having contact with my metamour is not healthy for a long-term arrangement (provided that is the goal).

If he just wants a short-term thing, then maybe DADT (don't ask don't tell) would work for you. That is more of an "open" concept, rather than polyamory.

 

[nativeprincess35]

It's kind of a red flag that she is completely unwilling to talk to you. I think if I were you I would be working on finding out what that is about. For me, everything goes along much more smoothly and with better results when everyone is talking and working towards finding ways to have a healthy relationship. For me, no contact is with my metamour is not healthy for a long term-arrangement (provided that is the goal). If he just wants a short-term thing, then maybe DADT (don't ask don't tell) would work for you. That is more of an "open" concept, rather than polyamory.

That is exactly what I was thinking, whether or not we make this a relationship between all of us or not. If he remains in my life, and I in his, she will have no choice but to communicate with me. He has already told her this.

I did catch a small part of his side of a phone conversation the other night, where he said he didn't want to discuss this on the phone. In person is best. I didn't ask him then, but will ask him tonight what that was about. She did not seem happy, as he constantly repeated himself. I really don't think he is going to agree with me and ask her to have this kind of relationship, but maybe he will surprise the heck out of me. Who knows?