Thinking about poly, am I being unreasonable?

[GalaGirl]

Please listen to the other posters on this, not just me. Please consider getting a marriage counselor.

I guess my reasoning was, essentially what drives us apart is fuzzy feelings of something new.

What drives you apart is paying attention to other people at the expense of paying attention to the marriage. The fuzzy NRE feelings for a new crush might be the REASON behind the behavior. But the actual behavior of "not paying attention to my marriage" is the thing driving you apart.

I know that slices it fine, but the actual BEHAVIOR matters. You could have warm fuzzies for someone else and still manage your time so you spend time with your spouse. It's not about the fuzzies. It's about your time management.

You seem to believe sharing a GF will bring you together. Actually, what will bring you together is deciding to be spending time together. Again... time management.

Way back when this all started and you both cheated, check it out:

[We] have been together for 13 years, married for 8 and have been strictly mono. A few years ago we both "lightly cheated" right about the same time... if not found out/caught, probably would have eventually got to sex. I have realized we both must have been missing something for it to be timed so perfect. We decided to try and work it out and continued our marriage. Since then, to sum it up, we have both engaged in flirtatious conversations and maybe even some "more than just a friend emotions" with others which eventually "again" had means to get deeper if not found out.

You know something was missing in the marriage.

You both decide to fix it.

But instead, you put the focus on spending time with other people instead of spending time tending the marriage.

You already know that did not work. Do not not repeat that. Try something you have not done yet -- see a counselor to HELP you make the repair plan this time. When you guys made the repair plan before, it did not serve your needs well. It does not seem you made a plan. It sounds like you agreed it needed to be fixed, but you didn't know HOW to go about it. You both could get help with that this time.

Could try something you have not done yet, like dating each other, paying attention to the marriage, rather than dating other people and paying attention to them. Figure out what was missing in the first place. I wonder if you both got bored with your roles.

You mention a 3-year old. Did you guys get run down with baby blues, and in tending to the baby, forgot to tend to each other? Forgot to get a babysitter to make time for relating as an ADULT couple, rather than only relating to each other in Mommy-Daddy mode?

Then the new people provided that kind of attention-- "See me as more than a parent! See me as an adult person!" And you both were starved for that kind of attention.

Could that be some of it?

GG

 

[Marcus]

If we were to find someone new together as a team, and all three of us were okay with it, then we all three get the fuzzy feelings, and there's no need to do it behind each other's back.

Do you find it likely that your wife will get a lot of fuzzy feelings from you getting another girlfriend?

Once again, sex is not my motivation.

For your wife, at least. You really don't seem to be connecting with the fact that your wife is heterosexual and will only have the distinct privilege of watching *you* have a new girlfriend.

While I agree with everyone else that it would just be cruel to seek out a new lover so that you can use her as a band-aid, mediator, and all-purpose chew toy for your failing marriage, I also recognize that there is an extraordinarily low chance that anyone would even want to. Anyone who *would* want to involve themselves in arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic is not going to be a stable human being.

 

[Stevefromtexas]

From the overwhelming similar responses, therapy, it seems, is the best answer. I accept that I have a hard time letting it all go in order to move forward, and now with everyone's help, realize that is what I must do. This has been enlightening and very helpful to me and my emotions.

And even though this is an internet forum, and I'll probably never meet any of you all, I can't help feel that a lot of what I said, maybe by the way I said it, was taken out of context. Many of you have responded as if sex was my underlying motivation, or the fact that the potential GF would have been a mediator for our past. This is not what I meant. I would not expect that of anyone. I was just saying for future minor disagreements between any 2 of us, the third person, whether it be my wife, the GF, or I, could help. Hell, even if there was no sex, I, and I'd hope all parties, would appreciate the emotional aspect of the relationship.

 

[IndieSolo]

No, we understand you loud and clear-- don't worry about that. It's just that each of us has chosen to focus our responses on what stands out the most to us about your situation. Just because the answers you've been getting aren't what you'd hoped to hear or are way different from what you expected does not mean we have misconstrued your situation.

Your HETEROSEXUAL wife enjoys having the attention of other men, and she enjoyed getting that kind of attention in social situations with them. You felt betrayed by her friendships with other men because there was attraction and flirting going on. You think that the fact she socialized with these guys is a much worse transgression than your attractions to other women were, simply because you didn't socialize with those women, though you were sexting with them?

So you and your wife talk, and she tells you she wants you to be more loving toward her, but you feel like she doesn't deserve more than you give her now, because she has these flirty friendships and that's just not right. So, instead, you think that, since both of you get excited about being desired by others, maybe you should have lovers. BUT, there is no way in hell you will allow her to have a boyfriend, so you propose to your HETEROSEXUAL wife that she share a girlfriend with you. Still, you think she might not really want that and is only listening to what you're saying in order to not make waves. So, you don't really trust her, but you think it would be cool to have a second woman to be involved with, someone who could love you both and help you through rough patches, so why shouldn't she? Oh, but you never thought about how your unstable marriage would adversely affect that additional woman, nor what she would want.

Oy.

- - -
If you are serious about polyamory, you will have to accept the fact that your wife is STRAIGHT, and if she wants to have a lover, she will want a MAN. I don't know why another penis is so threatening to you, but that is a moot point anyway, given that your marriage is just not strong enough for polyamory yet. The only couples that succeed in having satisfying polyamorous situations are the ones where they are strong in the foundation of their partnership, stable emotionally, trust each other, and are not stingy with their love.

There is a better quality of relationship she wants from you, where she wants to feel you deeply love her (obviously because she loves you deeply), but you are directing so much anger at her, simply because she had male friends she was attracted to, that you dig in your heels and will not look at how bereft of love from you she feels. You might want to accept that perhaps she was enjoying those flirtations because there was nothing satisfying in her marriage emotionally, and everyone wants to feel desired.

Each of you are 100% responsible for your relationship.. You really think that finding another woman to be romantically and sexually involved with will do more good than sitting down with a therapist and examining the issues, each of you speaking up about what you want, and what went wrong, developing greater intimacy and deeper levels of trusting each other, and making efforts emotionally and practically to repair the damage? Therapy with someone who asks difficult questions and offers insights with an aim to do all those things will do you a world of good!

Maybe some day poly will be right for you, but NOT NOW. Some couples take a year or two to strengthen their relationships before embarking on poly, and that is not a bad thing. You have a relationship that needs healing and your utmost attention in order to do that. Adding other people into the mix, people with their own needs, wants, dramas, baggage, psychological issues, and quirks, will only get in the way, and most likely would be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage!

 

[Dagferi]

Steve, I am going to be blunt. Polyamory has been one of the hardest things ever on my marriage, and Butch and I have been through hell and back together.

We had a pretty solid marriage. Butch knew my history of serial monogamy before me. When I got the 7, in my case 9-year itch, he bluntly brought up polyamory. He had never had a partner outside our marriage. Only I have.

Polyamory has magnified, hell, shone a spotlight on the flaws in our marriage. Polyamory is not always a bonding agent. Most of the time it is not. I am sure Butch wishes I wasn't this way. I know Murf wishes I wasn't. Heck, this this is a lot of work. I have two other people's wants to consider. Not enough hours of the day. Kids to think of on top of that.

Polyamory isn't all fun times.

 

[Stevefromtexas]

NYCindie, thank you so much for your last response. It shows that I was understood fully. Due to everyone's responses I know what needs to be done. I did not start this thread with any premeditated expectations for a certain response. I came in with an open mind, willing to listen to any and all comments. Some were different than what I expected, but none were "not what I wanted to hear." At this point, I still feel like I can love more than one person, but realize I need to fix us first. What the future holds, I don't know, but at least the path to get there is clear. Once again, thank you to everyone that responded. You have been a great help. I appreciate the mature responses without ridicule or other "kiddish" tones.