This is me... It's where I'm at

Blech. It sounds like it's time to distance yourself from all this. Poor communicators are never going to be good poly partners, whether it's a triad or just a V.

Chalk it up to experience, feel the loss, move on. Now you know more what to look for and what to avoid.

I understand you have a need to feel you've "tried everything." But shrinking yourself does not have to be a part of the everything. It just leads to pain, confusion, sneakiness, and neurosis.
 
It all seems to be easier than I expected for it to actually be over. I'm sad, but it's not like it was in the past when they would say it was over and I had this crazy sense of panic and urgency to fix it all.
 
A week after they broke up. I have learned she thought of this is more him and her and me as the extra. She and i have been communicating as friends, but I'm catching all of her post break up grief. She is angry with him and takes it out on me. I'm dealing with my own grief and I understand she may not be able to see that, but she says I'm acting weird. No, I'm really not. I'm just trying to adjust to the changes that have taken place in my life with this ending. I'm also trying to accept what I know and have alays known but chose to let go or ignore while this was still a thing.
 
She is angry, I get that, and she is looking for someone to take it out on. That happens to be me. She tries to bait me into a fight and I refuse to fight or argue or take my feelings out on Mustang or Infinity so I respond with level headed kindness and continue to act as I would for any friend dealing with a break up.
 
I have run a gamut of emotions over the last 2 weeks. I have seen sides of Infinity and Mustang I would have never imagined. It's made me question some things and I come to the same answers I always have.

I love Infinity more than I can express, and after 13 and a half years together our relationship has changed. That is unavoidable when you marry and settle down in your early 20s. My entire adult life has been as his girlfriend, fiance, and wife. We basically grew up and figured out who we are together. At times we have grown apart and at times we have grown together. I can't imagine doing life without him.

I grew to deeply love Mustang in the time we were together. I know her interest was more in Infinity and I was just accepted as part of the package so that she could have him. That hurts, but I accepted it because I loved her for her even tho she did not feel the same way towards me. I'm not sure she will ever understand how deeply I truly care for her, but that is ok. She and I are trying to remain friends because honestly that is what we were. Who knows what will happen in the future or where our relationship will go. She is trying to move on and I'm proud of and excited for her with that. I truly only want what is best for her and for her to be happy and learn to love herself.

I have met a new friend that has potential for becoming more. Not rushing it just learning to enjoy where I am right now and take care of me. I'm letting the feelings I'm experiencing right now just wash over me and I'm examining them and why I'm feeling them. I'm absorbing it all, picking it apart, keeping and discarding things as I need to. I'm spending time alone as I need to and enjoying time with friends I had spent less time with.
 
NRE... that wonderful magical thing that feels so amazing yet can be so hard to deal with.
 
Its always a wonder and pleasant surprise when you aren't looking for anything and yet something finds you. When a friendship you planned to just let develop in whatever way its going to begins to develop into more. I knew the potential was there but still taken by surprise because i wasn't looking for it to happen.
 
So far things are good with my new girlfriend. Its nice to be with someone that openly aand easily communicates.
 
Dont know why i didn't see this before now, but i have come to realize that while i am poly, Infinity is a swinger. I want relationships and the emotional connection and to Infinity its just sex with anyone but me. Not sure how to overcome this. Infinity is struggling to understand that just because i have feelings for someone else it doesn't mean i love him less. NRE with my new partner is causing Infinity and I some struggles.
 
Wow... in the space of 2 weeks so much has changed. Infinity has gone off the deep end and had all but a nervous breakdown because he is struggling to handle my relationship with Galaxy. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and the NRE has come to a crashing halt.
 
I have never felt so much pain. I know what i wantand need, but i feel so selfish. What i want and need is causing those i love so much hurt. Why cant it all just be black and white? Why cant it all be simple? Why do i feel im being ripped apart at the seams? I feel like Infinity will never be able to accept this part of me. Leaving him means tearing apart my family and 14 years of being together. I do not want to do that, i love him and have fought and qorked so hard on us. Galaxy has loved me unconditionally and with her i feel free to be me. Leaving her means ripping myself in two because if there is no her there will not be someone else.

Right now i cannot begin to accurately describe what it is i am feeling. Its so much and im struggling to calm the thoughts and feelings enough that i can begin to pick them out and put them in their place so that i can feel calm and ordered and like i have a direction to go in. Part of that is because in order to work through everything i feel i have to have time alone and space and i have not had that. Infinity is clinging very tightly to me out of fear.
 
Galaxy ended things. No hard feelings, no arguing, just mutual love and understanding. She said she would wait on me and Infinity to work our stuff out.
 
Right now im very frustrated with Infinity. There is not a step i have taken that he hasn't been right under me for days. He's never had friends really and what few people you could say are friends hes not close to. Right now he is choosing to for go doing anything that does not directly involve me. Currently i feel like screaming for him to just get over himself and quit making everything about him. Im really losing patience and trying not to make a decision while im feeling so frustrated.
 
Why does being poly end up being harder than it seems it should be? Last night while talking to Infinity he said that he loves my ability and capacity to love others, but that it scares him at the same time. Hes not mono but he isn't poly either. He's a swinger and wishes i could and would be the same way he is. I dont work that way. I don't enjoy sex just for the sake of having sex and i dont enjoy sex with no feelings involved.

Galaxy had very effectively ended our relationship. It hurt and me being me allowed myself to feel that and let the emotions that go with it wash over me. Galaxy ended it because she felt things with Infinity would not get better. Infinity talked to her and told her if she wanted a relationship with me then he wanted her to have that because he knew i wanted a relationship with her. She and i talked and decided to give it another try. The hard part is that our relationship seems to be on Infinity's terms while he isntrying to adjust and become ok with it. Its very hard to slow things down to the pace of someone else that is not directly involved.

Galaxy and i are at one place and Infinity is at another. Sometimes it feels like he is the one in control of my relationship with Galaxy. It builds resentment and leaves Galaxy feeling like she isn't getting what she needs from me. If I'm giving her what she needs then Infinity becomes resentful and feels he isn't getting what he needs. I end up feeling very torn and like im in the middle of a tug of war.

Right now Galaxy and Infinity dont speak or have any interaction with each other. That is at Infinity's choosing. He feels Galaxy is trying to take me from him and he wants nothing to do with her. Galaxy isn't trying to do that. What i would love to see happen is Infinity and Galaxy repair their friendship and me be able to spend time with them without feeling like i live two separate lives.
 
Right now things are slowly getting better. We are taking things at a pace Infinity can handle. Its not exactly what i want, but its not bad. He's growing and learning. Hes trying and i cant complain about that.

Galaxy and I are in the same place we have been with each other. We are falling head over feet for each other. There is a lot of NRE and the slower pace is keeping that very much alive. We started dating 7 weeks ago. It has not been easy. We have had to fight to have the chance to have a relationship with each other. I can say its been worth it.

Tonight Galaxy is spending time with her husband while he is home and Infinity went to bed before i got off work. I have some time to myself that i haven't had much of the last 7 weeks and its nice. I have missed Infinity and Galaxy both and the constant conversation i have with them, but the time alone with my thoughts has been good. Im just kind of taking it all in and enjoying the progress we have all made.
 
Well, i dont even know what to do right now. This has been my space to let my feelings and thoughts out, my place to get my thoughts and feelings together. Sometimes it helped me work through thoughts and feelings and move past them. Now, i just dont know what to do. I'm wondering now if i need to talk to Galaxy and let her know about this blog and page if she hasn't found it already. I'll be honest im selfish about doing that because for me this has been my journal of sorts.

I have known Infinity has known about this forum before now from our previous experience in poly. What i didn't know is that he had come back to the forum looking for ways to help him deal with his feelings. He stumbled upon my blog and has been reading it all. He recognized our current situation. I always knew it was possible and when he ask me about it tonight i did not deny having been here or that i was writing. It did hurt though that he has been so upset that im not sharing everything i write here with him, but at the same time he never shared with me that he knew any of it or was reading it. I want to be mad but im not. He says he didn't say anything out of fear that i would quit writing.

When im upset i process first then if i cant deal with it or its not something minor i will go talk to him about it. I dont tell him every little thing. Sometimes i felt more free to share here about things in my relationship with him or Galaxy that i wasn't yet comfortable sharing with them, because again i process thoughts and feelings first.

Sometimes i wouldn't share things in my relationship with her because he doesn't want to know and im not always sure what he is comfortable with me sharing. I also dont like sharing the details of my sex life with either of them. If i have sex with her i dont share that. He knows we do, but i dont come home and say hey we had sex or before i leave home say hey we are going to have sex. Its the same with her, she knows he and i obviously hve sex, but i dont tell her about it after or that we are before hand. Thats just not something i do. If i go out with him yes she knows but i dont go tell her everything about it, thats mine and his. If i go oit with her i dont go back and tell him all about it, that is mine and hers. I dont run either relationship in the face of either partner.

I dont want them to feel they are in a competition, because they aren't. There is no competition. I love them both so very much, but i love them both for entirely different reasons and in different ways. He says he wants to know what is going on with me and her, but the second i tell him i feel like its another thing he starts competing with.

He has changed so much of what he does day to day. Before Galaxy entered the picture he and i didn't talk much during the day, we operated fairly independently of each other. He did things on his own that he enjoys doing. Now, if im not doing it with him he doesn't do it at all. Sometimes i want to get back to that comfortable place where he is ok doing things without me. Dont get me wrong, i enjoy that we talk more and that he is showing me he loves me in ways that i want and need to be loved, but i want him and i to feel we can comfortably operate our own lives outside of our life together. I crave that freedom, but i guess giving that up is the price i pay for being poly.
 
Life story

Awesome story:), this life story is really incredible and viral for me, thank for the awesome stories
 
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I see three options
- you could ask Infinity not to read the blog
- you could get a real journal
- you could take it as evidence that he does want to know this stuff, perhaps explain how you process and let him read on ... turning it into an advantage that he can react to some stuff
Hopefully some of it sits well with you :)

As for not doing things on his own, I don't think it's a price to being poly - I think it's the instability of the transition and will return to normal if the relationships stabilize. It could take a year or more of course.
 
I agree with Tinwen (I seem to be doing a lot of that lately!) I think once he's had time to see that he doesn't need to be insecure...that you're not going to leave him for her...that you do still love and desire him even while loving and desiring her...that he'll eventually return to his normal in terms of activities.

I also think Infinity reading your blog could be a good thing. You could use it as a starting point for those more difficult conversations. Honestly, you haven't said anything in your blog that I don't think could be said to him. It's obvious that you value and respect privacy by the way that you write. If you prefer him not to read, you may wish to keep a journal instead. Sometimes I write out things that I don't wish for anyone to read...I write them out to help me process, or to use as a reference to compare how I'm feeling or thinking at a later point. If it's the former, I may burn or shred those pages. If it's the latter, obviously I keep the pages. That could be an option, too.
 
The last little while has been interesting. Infinity has had an almost nervous breakdown. He has still been back and forth with Mustang(they got back together to try a relationship a couple weeks after Galaxy and i started dating). It got to the point that Infinity didn't say choose, but i felt i had no other option. Hes ask several times if she and my relationship with her was worth what he was going through. We took him to be assessed for inpatient treatment for extrrme anxiety, depression and such. He didn't tell them he has almost had a nervous breakdown on several occasions. He also didn't tell them he attempted suicide almost 6 years ago.

Today when i got off work i went and saw Galaxy and we have decided its best to end things. We spent a lot of time talking, crying and comforting each other. Its very jard after she ended things a month ago and he told us both that if we wanted a relationship he wanted us to have it.

This is now a pattern with Infinity. It was like this when we stepped in to poly the first time, it happened similar with Mustang, and now Galaxy. I dont trust him after this especially when i look at the fact that he has had 2 affairs while we were mono. I have forgiven and tried to forget and move on and try to work on us. It has been a lot of one sided work. I thought we had gotten to a place where we could do this, but obviously we havent.

Now i will shut down myself and my emotions package my bisexuality and everything that goes with it back in its little box, hide it away and just do what i have to do. Im numb, and emotionless. Im tired in so many ways.
 
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