This is New for us

BellaMzchief

New member
Im new to this so bare with me. This has been driving me nuts but heres the rundown. My fiance and I have been together for almost 11 years. We have always thought about bringing someone else in our relationship for a very long time.. Needless to say, I met a wonderful woman and words cant express how I feel about her. I have always had an interest in other women- particularly studs. So this woman is stud and we have been dating for about 7 months now. My fiance is perfectly ok with this. He knows everything and she comes around alot. We have all been intimtate together and its freaking amazing. She doesnt mind pleasing me and him and enjoy when she does please him. He also have pleased her but it hasnt been actual intercourse. She is not opposed to having sex with him but i am not fully comfortable with that yet. We have talked about it and im sure eventually it will happen. But i knowit will take time but just know that we are talking about 11 years where it was just him and I.. We all have an amazing time hanging out and jus being silly, we all support each other financially, emotionally, etc. she has told me she loved me and I feel the same way. Once again- hubby knows everything. However, the issue I am having is that we have 2 children and I feel horrible sometime having her around. We obviously dont do anything infront of the children but shebis very involved with them babysitting etc. Is something wrong with me for loving two people? And wanting to spend the rest of my life with both of them?? My family doesnt not know and I do not know how to even bring tht conversation up with them however I dont want her to feel like she is just a secret for us. We are all happy- hubby loves her- we ll take care of wach other in every way(not just sexually) but sometimes i always question whether i am doing the right them having this tupe of relationship around our children. Although they are still tound 2 and 3, eventually they will start putting things together. I keep thinking that this is wrong(according to society) but we are happy. No jealousy no secret. In other words they have that bromance relationship where they talk about cars and other manly things but then her and I do the female things getting our nails done etc. i always have someone to talk to bcause they work opposite schedules. But i still feel like Im wrong for wanting two people. They are both ok with the relationship but I dont know i feel like something is wrong wit me. They dont do anything unless we are all together meaning sex. Please help any advice would be appreciated.
 
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You are not wrong for wanting two people. It actually sounds like the three of you have a pretty great relationship. Why ruin it by worrying about what other people think? What they think should be inconsequential to your happiness.
 
Why would having a loving relationship with two people when you have children be any less moral or "right" than having a loving relationship with one person? I'm assuming you and your husband plan on staying together and still being loving and affectionate with each other as your children get older, and I'm also assuming you and he aren't showing sexual behavior in front of them. Ignoring societal bullshit for the moment, why would having your girlfriend around be any different?

As for the societal stuff... it really is bullshit. Yes, we're taught one man, one woman. Which rules out far more than half of the relationships that exist, given that it doesn't take into account same-sex relationships, relationships with or between (or among) people who are transgender or non-binary gender, and, obviously, polyamorous relationships. Monogamy as we're currently taught it seems to be a fairly recent development historically speaking, but we're taught it like it's the only "right" way to be.

As Vinsanity said, you love two people, who both love you and seem to love each other. Forget what other people think. Decide what FEELS right for you, not what you THINK is right because other people say it is.
 
Poly can get complicated enough without inventing trouble when the going is good. Don't borrow trouble and treasure and enjoy what you have. If you don't want to "hide" your relationship, you don't have to. You don't owe the world any explanations. You can simply be yourself and affectionate with her and let people infer from it what they will. Any who asked, can be explained with more clarity if you trust them.

Most importantly, you are perfectly you. If you love two people, then that is perfectly you. Nothing wrong with it.
 
Hi BellaMzchief,

You seem to be internalizing society's negative attitude about poly, and in so doing, are making yourself miserable in the midst of your happiness. To me, that is rather tragic. If you search your heart, you'll see that loving two people is more than okay, it's a beautiful thing. Let it be a beautiful thing. Don't second-guess yourself. You knew poly was right when you started it. It's still right.

Once you accept your own polyness (and stop beating yourself up about it), I think you will find it much easier to know how to tell the kids, and how to tell the rest of your family. You need to be able to approach people from a place of confidence. You need to be able to say, "This makes us very happy, and works for us" ... without doubt or hesitation. If anyone condemns you for your polyness, you need to be able to feel with confidence that the person doing the condemning is the one who is in the wrong.

I think it will help if you do more reading and posting on this forum. Also, check out Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ, it is a fun/easy read and it addresses many of the basic doubts people have about poly. Above all ... believe in yourself.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Just exactly as it says. I like both men and women..in women( particularly studs). I'm more feminine. is there another clarification? I have been with my fiancé ( a man) for about 10 years and we have 2 children.
 
thank you everyone for your honest opinions and advice. I do agree that society has put so much on being monogamous that anything other than that is abnormal.
This is still new for all of us. Just like I said and you guys have mentioned- we are all happy.. Not to say I wasn't happy before with my fiancé of 10 years but she added the extra everything with both of us and it works great. There are no issues of jealously or loving one more than the other etc. Ofcourse I do address things with my fiancé first about things whatever it may be then we all talk if its needed. I Know its nothing wrong with loving 2 people. Im never sad about anything bc emotionally I have 2 people to balance me out, Im always laughing we all have different views on certain things we are I would say a power couple x3. Its just sometimes I feel like its not normal and Im the only one in a situation like this. Until I found out, there are many others.
There are a few friends who I am comfortable with who knows about our relationship but on the family side absolutely none but I do not want our girlfriend to feel like she's just our little secret. we have talked about it and she knows how I feel about telling my family. and she understands my fear about being shunned from my family. Besides from that- we all hang out in public. Hubby has not told his family yet either- but he's fine telling them when he's ready Im the one who has been driving myself crazy about what If"my mom or dad finds out" I know its crazy I'm 32 and it shouldn't matter what they think at this point. I guess I have been trying to hold on the that little bit of "innocence" they have for me. In our culture- this is completely wrong and honestly speaking i do see myself having some type of breakdown when they do find out.
 
I was wondering what a female stud is. Just was curious. I've not heard that term applied to a woman before.
 
Oh ok gotcha- A female stud is a a lesbian who carries herself as a man. They usually dress more manly etc.. they are some who dress both ways as a woman or as man..and They usually date feminine women. Hope that helps.
 
Not to derail the discussion, but I just Googled "female stud" and according to "The Best Lesbian Blog in the World" the term butch is what you describe and stud refers to an inner-city-styled butch of color. In any case, it's a new word for me in this context. Butch is a pretty common term and I'd only ever heard "stud" applied to sexually desirable men.

I found this word [stud] to be almost exclusively used to describe the “butch” women of color, primarily with the black, Latina and Puerto Rican communities. It went beyond the “butch” label and added elements of street-style and hip hop. There was more of an edge. At that time, and to be honest, I still have not heard Caucasian women being described this way.
 
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There's a splendid documentary called The Aggressives, which focuses on studs. I have only heard it as a term used to describe butches of color. OP, I love me some studs, too! ;)
 
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I’m going to speak up and say I had all the same worries having a kiddo at home. He’s now 8 and our triad all lives together. We’ve never explained anything to him we all just went with the flow and figured he’d ask if he ever had questions.

He never has and I think because he grew up with it Since he was old enough to remember and it’s just how it is for him just like if me and his dad were selerated that early and remarried. He’s just grow up knowing that was his family.

Now I will say that in my experience people always bring up the “oh my god it’s so bad for your kid” bullshit when they are against our relationship. My family in particular. It’s very hard. But you’ve got to do what’s right for you and remember you are the parents and if you think it’s ok then it’s ok
 
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