This is so exciting, but scary

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Bobbi928

New member
My husband is allowing this, grudgingly.
Tomorrow I tell my boyfriend, face to face, exactly how I feel...
I have two worst fears. One, my hubby loses patience with me.. the other, that my bf doesn't reciprocate my feelings.
I don't want to lose either of them. I love them both for very different reasons... And I've been nothing but honest with either of them .
Somehow, I end end up feeling like a bad person, because I have enough love for two..
 
Hi Bobbi - welcome to the Forum! I can very much relate to your story (that is, from your husband's perspective), as my wife asked me to open our marriage about seven months ago so she could explore her resurgent feelings about an old college boyfriend. I also "grudgingly" went along - but after quite a bit of hard work on my part, I did finally come to a certain level of acceptance. And that level of acceptance has improved as the months have passed - poly would still not be my first choice, but I can now live with it comfortably. Part of my process has been participating in this Forum and "studying poly" at the intellectual level (I've also read a half dozen books and numerous web articles on the subject). I've made this effort out of a love for my wife - so that I can be ok with her need to have two men in her life. Undoubtedly your husband is going along with your desire to go poly for the same reason - but obviously personalities vary, and what I did might not work for him at all. (There is a link to my story below).

Please believe that you are not a bad person because you have enough love for two! Most - if not virtually all - are capable of loving more than one person at once, even romantically. I would wager that by middle age, most folks have loved more than one person at once. It is whether we act on it (or would be willing to act on it) that makes us mono or poly. And this comes down to personal choice, values, philosophy, and individual moral codes - and here there is no wrong or right choice (unless you subscribe to a fundamentalist religious belief that seeks to dictate such things).

We have experienced veterans here who can give you sage advice, but since my situation is similar, I will offer the advice to be completely honest and transparent (yet extra kind, loving, and attentive) with your husband through this - and be sure and offer him the opportunity to find another partner also.

Best of luck with your conversation with your boyfriend and your poly journey! Al
 
Greetings Bobbi928,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope everything works out for you as you hope; in any case Polyamory.com is here to help you. Let us know of any questions you may have. And try not to feel like a bad person, you're not doing anything wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Update & question

Well, our first night together since my confession of feelings went pretty well. I was afraid he'd say he loved me too, out of reflex or some sense of responsibility. He did not. He asked what happens *if* he starts to reciprocate. For now, he just wants me to know he's EXTREMELY fond of me. That makes me feel good.

It felt completely foreign to SAY words I've been hiding for years now.

He keeps asking what this means for us, what changes now that I've declared my feelings for him. I keep saying that I don't expect things to change much, but now I don't have to lie when he asks if I'm getting attached, because it's FAR too late for that now...

Anyway, that's my update on my little soap opera.

Question, he plans to spend the night 2-3 nights a week... Is giving him a drawer too much, too soon?
 
Well hello! *Waves awkwardly 'cause I'm awkward* Welcome to the forums!

A while ago my friend was in this situation and after a weird camping vacation they reciprocated their feelings and now their married, so.
 
Bobbi928 said:
Well, our first night together since my confession of feelings went pretty well. I was afraid he'd say he loved me too, out of reflex or some sense of responsibility. He did not. He asked what happens *if* he starts to reciprocate. For now, he just wants me to know he's EXTREMELY fond of me. That makes me feel good.

It felt completely foreign to SAY words I've been hiding for years now.
Click to expand...

You've been with your boyfriend for YEARS and loved him for years and only now have finally decided to tell him? Do you identify as polyamorous? Or just "non-monogamous" or "open relationship?" Because polyamorous has the word LOVE in it, amor.

Is your husband OK with you having sex with others, but not strong feelings, aka love? Do you need to renegotiate this, or will he be allowed to simmer in resentment that you dared to love someone you see often and have sex with? Love and sex go together for MOST people. It's normal and healthy.
He keeps asking what this means for us, what changes now that I've declared my feelings for him. I keep saying that I don't expect things to change much...
Click to expand...

In our monogamy based culture, we have expectations that, if you love someone, it has to lead to monogamy and the "relationship escalator." But in polyamory, we might have 2 or 3 lovers. We can't ride the same escalator with each one! We don't have to live with all our lovers. We can live with one or none of them. We can see our lovers every day, once or twice a week, or once a month, or 3 times a year. It's all our choice and dependent on circumstances. Your bf is thinking, "She loves me, so that means we must ride a few steps up the escalator now." No, it does not mean that.

Read this about the relationship escalator.

http://offescalator.com/what-escalator/



but now I don't have to lie when he asks if I'm getting attached, because it's FAR too late for that now...
Click to expand...

If you've been seeing him more than once a week for several years now, of COURSE you're attached! Is there some reason you or your partners think you "shouldn't be" attached?


Question, he plans to spend the night 2-3 nights a week... Is giving him a drawer too much, too soon?
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That is totally up to you and him. It seems reasonable to me though, to give him space for his toothbrush and deodorant and clean underwear. Whyever not?

I am more curious as to whether your husband is fine with your bf spending half the week at your shared house. If he is balking at you daring to speak your love to your boyfriend and all... is he feeling territorial?
 
Mags, it seem as though you are presenting the husband of the OP in a somewhat harsh light. Why is it a negative thing if he DOES have a problem with the boyfriend spending 2-3 nights per week, right out of the gate?

Houseguests make me feel panicky; full stop. It has nothing to do with feeling territorial. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with the kids having their friends stay over, and I still can do it only so much. I liver AND work in my home. It's my "safe" place. If my husband decided to have his girlfriend spend 2-3 nights per week over here, it would be very, very difficult, and not just because I'm currently mono.

Why can't the OP spend the night at her boyfriend's house, at least sometimes?
 
Bobbi928 said:
Is giving him a drawer too much, too soon?
Click to expand...
Yes. It is one step away from giving him a key.
Bobbi928 said:
My husband is allowing this, grudgingly.
Click to expand...
Add those two factors together, & I get the impression that you are (unconsciously) trying to set this up to create a big melodramatic explosion.

Why does your boyfriend need to stay over? How many hundreds of miles away does he live that he'd require a place to store stuff?

(FWIW, if I was overnighting, I'd bring clothing & supplies for the next day, & the rest went home with me.)
 
Ravenscroft said:
Yes. It is one step away from giving him a key.
Click to expand...

I think it's more significant than a key - Artist and I have keys to each other's houses just because it occasionally simplifies logistics, but don't keep things there. We don't use said keys without a heads up, but still.
 
Yah, I'm the same way, & usually have two or three with trusted friends or relatives. (Heck, up here I rarely lock the doors anyway.)

But some people get really twitchy about it, particularly if it's an FWB. Even if the chances of actual physical incursion are nonexistent, it's still a big symbolic incursion, & can set off other stuff that until that moment was tolerable.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Mags, it seem as though you are presenting the husband of the OP in a somewhat harsh light. Why is it a negative thing if he DOES have a problem with the boyfriend spending 2-3 nights per week, right out of the gate?
Click to expand...

I don't find it a negative at all! I wouldn't want my live-in partner's bf staying in our home 2 or 3 nights a week either.

But my partner goes to her bf's place for one weekend overnighter a week. He lives alone. She's been doing that for about 3 years. She's had a spot for her toiletries for 18 months or so. And now he's moved into a very large home. She is going to have a full closet to herself.

But she doesn't have a key.
Houseguests make me feel panicky; full stop. It has nothing to do with feeling territorial. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with the kids having their friends stay over, and I still can do it only so much. I live AND work in my home. It's my "safe" place. If my husband decided to have his girlfriend spend 2-3 nights per week over here, it would be very, very difficult, and not just because I'm currently mono.
Click to expand...

I am not in conflict with these feelings at all. I would find it exhausting to have an overnight guest that often as well.

I don't know why you misread me so much... I am much more concerned about her husband having an objection to her telling her bf of many years that she loves him, when they are supposed to be polyamorous. And the conflict of that with her husband yet seemingly being OK with this bf spending 2-3 nights at week at his home. :confused:
 
Mags, I'm sorry I misread you.

The whole situation seems to be a little strange to me as well. If the husband is only "grudgingly" accepting the situation, WHY is the boyfriend spending 2-3 nights per week there? I still don't know why the OP can't just go to her boyfriend's place.
 
The whole situation seems to be a little strange to me as well. If the husband is only "grudgingly" accepting the situation, WHY is the boyfriend spending 2-3 nights per week there? I still don't know why the OP can't just go to her boyfriend's place.
Click to expand...

I agree with this - as a husband who had to put in quite a bit of work to go along with my wife's request to open our marriage to poly - I don't know that I can even imagine her spending the night with her bf in our home while I am also home (and, for the purpose of discussion, disregarding the presence of our young daughter). I do understand that this situation would work for others - but I am offering the perspective of a husband in a similar situation.

Because my wife and her bf are in an ldr, they get to spend one overnight a month together which they typically coordinate with business travel (so as to help disguise the absence in regard to our daughter - as well as for convenience). Some months they may be able to work out an additional afternoon-early evening together. If he were local, I would probably be ok with one overnight a week - except that would be difficult to explain to our daughter - and (even disregarding the presence of our daughter) - it would have to be at his place or a hotel. I might eventually become comfortable enough for him to spend the night with my wife in our home - but certainly not there yet - and obviously it is not an option with a young daughter at home (at least not for us). Just a couple cents worth from another "hesitant husband". Al
 
Bobbi928,

Do you know why your husband is grudgingly 'allowing' the years long connection with your boyfriend? Or he ok with a sex only type of thing but grudgingly ok with a more loving connection?
 
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