This is why we can't have nice things :(

G

glucksgirl

New member
I'm in my mid twenties. My husband (D) is in his early fifties (we are in a D/s relationship). We met three years ago while my marriage with the father of my children was ending and fell in love immediately. We really are perfect for each other. From day 1 he was perfectly accepting of my kinks/fetishes and of the fact that I am polyamorous, We had two polyamorous relationships (triad with a woman and quad with a mf couple) before we got married last August. In December we made a new friend (J), a guy my age. I had permission to play with him (in a swinging fashion) and me and J fell for each other. D was fine with that until my communication skills started slipping. If I was out with J, I'd forget to check my phone for hours or I'd get home late. None of it was intentional, I'm just easily distracted and J has a very distracting personality. D mentioned it as it happened, and I tried to get better about it but still messed up frequently enough for it to be hurting D. Things spiraled quickly. The last month has been the worst.

We've sat down and all talked, we have paired up and talked separately, and we are getting nowhere. D didn't realize that even though we are in a D/s relationship and he is my primary, he can't call off my feelings. He can't make me break it off with J or make me choose between them without causing so much resentment our marriage would crash and burn. But he's still hurt by the way I acted while I was falling for J (that "ooh, shiny" stage, ya know?), even though that behavior has stopped. When we're all together (J doesn't live with us but we all see each other almost every day) everything is fine, but as soon as one of us is alone and thinking about it, the fit hits the shan. J and I feel like D is expecting too much out of all of us by wanting someone to flip a switch and make everything better. He says he hurts at the idea of me being with J and he knows it's irrational because they are best friends and he's not being hurt anymore. he acknowledges that we have bent over backwards doing whatever it takes to make him happy since we realized how bad things were. But it still bothers him. D doesn't think it's jealousy, and he swears that he is poly and is ok with me being poly, as long as it's not with J.

All three of us are still trying to make it work. They are both in love with me, and I'm in love with both of them, they are really good friends, and we all want each other happy. D just doesn't see a "light at the end of the tunnel" for him if I continue to be with J. Every time he brings up me breaking it off with J I kind of freak out and get defensive and upset because I feel like he's asking me to rip part of my own heart out. J doesn't think he's even capable of walking away from me anymore. I'm rambling and I'm sorry, I just don't know how to make this right and I'm scared to death of losing either of them to this. I am pathetically head over heels for both of them and I refuse to give up.
 
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Gluck

I'm D (or S, not sure how I earned 2 initials :p ), and you've stated this well. To clarify a point, however, I am not asking them to break it off... I know how much pain it would cause them both. I would love to get over these feelings, and I can sometimes distract myself from them, but they won't completely go away. Thus the "light at the end of the tunnel" reference... they can't walk away, I wouldn't want either of them to suffer like that... so I have to do the suffering, and I don't see an end to it.
 
D, can you identify your feelings and why it bothers you so much? It sounds like you want her to be happy but don't like the situation at the same time. I can sorta relate because I had trouble when my wife was developing feelings for someone else but couldn't really figure out why I felt so bad when this made her feel so good.

Are you sure you want to be poly?
 
Why is it necessary to be texting one partner when out with another? That would be rude to the person you are with!

Most poly peeps have an agreement NOT to be texting one while out with another, other than a "good night" if staying out, or an "on my way" or "running late" kind of message when not staying out all night. Or if there is an emergency, like a kid is on the way to the ER or the house is on fire (a partner texting that they're having a meltdown from jealousy is not an emergency in my opinion). So, if I were you both, I would revisit that expectation, which seems like a lot of overkill and keeping tabs to me.

Other than that, agree on a time to come home (or a time frame) and stick to your agreements. Simple.

The partner who is not out on a date needs to occupy themselves with things in their own life, whether it is a date with someone else, socializing with friends, a hobby, or some other activity, so that the time spent apart isn't about sitting home and waiting around, getting mad.
 
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Agreed

This was in the past, but we had an expectation to at least stay in touch... just a quick "having a blast" or "on my way", but those didn't happen, and I would wait up worrying about her driving home drunk or something with no word from her well past the time I had been led to believe she would be home. And she is a constant texter... her phone rarely ever leaves her hand. The fact that she would ignore her phone for that long would shock any of her friends or family.
But again, that is the past behavior that caused my feelings. When she was with him, I didn't exist, and I couldn't depend on her to do what she had agreed to.
Now the issue is, no matter how much I try, I can't get over the hurt they caused me months ago. We are all working to fix it, but the feelings aren't improving.
 
YoshiSoguru said:
This was in the past . . . Now the issue is, no matter how much I try, I can't get over the hurt they caused me months ago. We are all working to fix it, but the feelings aren't improving.
Click to expand...

No one else can fix it for you. The fact that you "can't get over" certain feelings you experienced means that you are holding on to them for some reason. Perhaps you have an overarching need to be "right" in this situation and subconsciously want to punish her. Or you just refuse to forgive her... whatever it is, you need to let go, and nothing anyone else does can help until that happens. She and her lover can bend over backwards to every whim you can think of, but you are the one who has to let go and forgive.

It's on you, YS. Take responsibility for your reactions and, if they are still causing you pain, then let go of the past and live in the present. That might require a dialogue with yourself to understand why you are holding on so hard, or it may be just setting it aside and connecting physically with the here and now to stop those thoughts from dominating your life. When you're freaking out, take a walk, get some exercise, etc., - just get out of your head.
 
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Exactly

This is exactly it... I know that I'm the only one who can fix this. I don't believe they will do anything to intentionally harm me again. If anything, we are closer friends than ever. I have a great deal of training (and practice) in controlling and dealing with my emotions, but nothing I know to do has worked so far. I can't explain it, and we keep trying things to help me cope with it, but, if anything, the feelings have grown stronger.
 
You choose to let the past mistake go. You choose to risk trusting her to follow through agreements again. You choose to risk it and experience non doom because you come to find she holds up her end if the stick. Then you can relax.

You expect it to take time. Start trusting on small agreements, then bigger ones. Help to rebuild trust.

In the meanwhile you choose to focus on the present and what you want more of rather than what you fear in the past or what you do not want. Are you able to do that?

Are there still elements of poly hell here that need airing out first?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Core beliefs that need changing in regards to jealousy?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

Something else with jealousy?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

I am sorry you are all struggling.

Galagirl
 
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Wow

Galagirl, Poly Hell could have been written about us (besides the childhood examples, which don't seem to apply. Thank you so much!
 
Most welcome. Perhaps reading it together helps give you the talking points you need to finish sorting it out.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Bunch of rookies

We violated pretty much every rule and suggestion in Poly Hell, and still are doing some of them... I wish we had all read this 7 months ago.
 
Well, you all can read it now. And perhaps change the things people in the group are still doing and see if you all feel better over time and more able to move forward.

It is ok to be on a learning curve.

Galagirl
 
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I can't thank you enough right now <3

I was out for about an hour and when I got back home D was talking about how that was exactly what the problem was and how helpful it is knowing that information like that is out there. I'm about to read up on all the links.... but what about for the time being? Do I need to put things on hold with J until things are better or do we continue carefully and work through issues as they happen? I've had a couple handfuls of poly relationships and this kind of problem never happened before and I have absolutely no idea how to respond to it. Like, none. At all.
 
You could talk as a trio how the trio wants to handle it and what each needs at this point. Be deliberate and slow.

Be ok living in ambiguity during a transition time. Sit on any anxiety/wanna solve it now urgency. It is ok to take time to sort here.

There is no fire. All are still here aren't they? Give self and your partners and your polyship the care and attention each are due in solving this area by being willing to spend time here. Not rush.

Live normal life in the other areas. If tonight is normally pizza night at your house, do pizza. Yoga class? Go yoga.

Having normalcy in those other areas could help you all see this area is just living in polyship of 3 stuff. Nobody is gonna die, bail, or implode. Problems happen, they get sorted. Not every problem has to be life or death crisis level. You will all be ok.

You do not have to know everything in advance. One can learn along the way and take the time to do it.

Galagirl
 
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YoshiSoguru said:
I would love to get over these feelings, and I can sometimes distract myself from them, but they won't completely go away. Thus the "light at the end of the tunnel" reference... they can't walk away, I wouldn't want either of them to suffer like that... so I have to do the suffering, and I don't see an end to it.
Click to expand...

Perhaps the reason why you can't move on is the fact that you just haven't got the apology in the way you need to have it.

Gary Chapman wrote a book "5 love languages" that a lot of people here have recommended, about how people feel, give and recieve love in different ways.

He also wrote a lesser known book with Jennifer M Thomas "The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships" or "When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love". In that book he writes different ways people apologize/need to apologize to move on from issues. And if someone apologizes to you in a different way than you need, then you can't move on and can get stuck on some issue.

Some people just need an apology to move on and that is it, for others they also need someone to make amends for it or they can't move on. For yet others they need an apology and a good explanation/reason for why someone did what they did ect.

Perhaps reading that book will help you untangle what is keeping you stuck, even when you want to forgive and move on.
 
Again, Thanks

I've downloaded 5 Love Languages, and will read it ASAP. I couldn't find the other yet.
 
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