Thoughts on being his secret?

[northhome]

!!

I don't think that just because things are widespread, it makes them okay.

Of course not. For instance, acknowledging that pollution is widespread doesn't make it okay either.

However, accepting the reality of something is often the first step in doing something about it. The Chinese have for years tried to deny that there was a problem with their air. It was only when people literally started to drop dead from respiratory impairment (along with protests in the streets) that something started to happen!

I think, for many people, accepting that they are engaged in a harmful activity when cheating is often the first step towards them choosing better options. It can be difficult to re-evaluate ones behaviour, though, and it takes a good deal of courage to be open and honest about this process, especially on this forum.

 

[Tigger40]

Kevin, thanks for responding to the question. That was largely missing from this discussion and I do appreciate having the input.

It seems I failed to fully clarify that my question was about experiences, and I was less interested in discussing the ethical question. As you said, that is a separate question. I'm sure it's worth discussing but probably not with me. I'm a moral relativist.

PaperGrace, thanks for sharing that link. It was worth reading. It seemed to end sadly, the part of the story that we got to see, but at the same time left it open to make up the next part of the story.

What is striking is the difference in attitude in the discussion of that thread compared to this one. The participants in that thread were kind, compassionate, and understanding. They said essentially the same thing people here said, only they said it with respect.

You (the plural you, the participants on this thread; I'm not singling anyone out) honor honesty. I honor respect. That isn't to say that one is higher than the other. It just creates different kinds of discourse.

 

[IndieSolo]

No one was "jumping down anyone's throat" here. I certainly wasn't, and I didn't see anyone else doing anything except sharing their opinion. Opinions require judgments, or else they wouldn't be an opinion. So when someone comes here asking for opinions, they are essentially asking for the situation to be judged and conclusions made. Furthermore, there was no "venom" behind what I said. I was not being disrespectful, and I didn't see anyone else being disrespectful. Discussions are allowed to get heated here, as that in itself should not be equated with disrespect. But if you want to know what is not allowed, read the Guidelines.

I am just an anonymous stranger on an internet forum, who merely weighed in on the topic, and asked someone who came here for answers why the answers they already got were not satisfactory. I basically said, "Do you want the sugar-coated version that makes you feel like you're doing the right thing, even when common sense tells you it is likely to backfire, or do you want us to tell you plainly how we see it?" If you read my posts and imagine my words being said in a calm soothing voice, instead of imagining me as a harpy, maybe you won't choose to feel offended.

Cheating is always a hot topic on a poly board. Most polyfolk are against it, for obvious reasons. Very few successful poly arrangements have come out of cheating. But, as with most forums on the internet, we are not professionals, and no one should be making life decisions or getting upset based on anything any of us have to say.

So, in reading responses to questions, take what resonates with you and ignore the rest. But having a meta-discussion (discussing the discussion) is basically off-topic and a waste of time and energy. So, if you continue here, it would be best to keep it focused on the topic, instead of scolding people for how they answered.

 

[kdt26417]

Re: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1779 ... puzzle for you. Even though anon4now broke up with M, should he have also told his wife about the affair after the fact? If he didn't, could his wife give bonafide consent to staying married with him when she was deprived of that rather significant information? Shouldn't she know that she is choosing to stay married with a man who has a history of cheating on her?

This isn't meant to be a harsh or snarky remark; it is an honest ethical challenge and I for one don't know the right answer.

 

[Tigger40]

NYCindie, you have just guaranteed that I'll leave the forum. I have no reason to stick around, and you just gave me a reason to leave. I choose not to be around people who act like you-- internet strangers who, protected by your anonymity, go by another name-- trolls. But you can feel good about yourself and convince yourself that you are a saint and haven't done any wrong here, because the rest of us are just too thin-skinned to take it. Or you can choose to grow from the experience and maybe next time, be more thoughtful.

Go in peace, friend.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I think, for many people, accepting that they are engaged in a harmful activity when cheating is often the first step towards them choosing better options.

I agree with you very much. I think people can get caught up in the feelings of love and desire to be with another person, and then it's easy to forget about how harmful cheating can be for their love's unknowing partner. That is why I think it's important to point the harm out and challenge the notion of a bit of secrecy being fun, as long as you don't get caught.

It can be difficult to re-evaluate one's behaviour, though, and it takes a good deal of courage to be open and honest about this process, especially in this forum.

I think this forum is pretty lovely. On the whole, people are kind and generous with their time and advice. There are a folks with a wide variety of approaches to relationships who willingly share what they've experienced, and what their views are. Many people who write here are direct in their communication-- I don't see that as a problem.

I'm not in a polyamorous relationship. I have no intention of being actively poly myself, or having a poly partner. I've been very open about my progression towards that decision and my reasons for it. Nobody has been horrible to me about it, even though most of the people writing here have polyamory in their lives, in one form or another.

I guess I just don't see this forum as an intimidating place.

 

[IndieSolo]

I choose not to be around people who act like you-- internet strangers who, protected by your anonymity, go by another name-- trolls.

If I were a troll, I hardly think I would've been asked to serve as a Moderator here. Everything I post here is in the spirit of helpfulness. My approach, as well as many others here, is one of tough love.

But you can feel good about yourself and convince yourself that you are a saint and haven't done any wrong here . . .

My feeling good about myself has nothing to do with this forum. And no, I've done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with being direct, nor in challenging someone's views. I have only stated my opinion, and not violated the Guidelines. I'm sorry you feel that people should only post with very gentle words. You can focus on my posts and argue that I was wrong. Or you can glean what you find useful from all the responses. Or you can focus on someone else's words that ring particularly true for you. It's up to you where you want to expend your energies.

Go in peace, friend.

LOL!!! Okay... you too.

 

[BDaemon]

Admittedly, I am sensitive to my own issue, so reacting defensively was bound to happen. (I also have wicked anxiety that makes it nigh impossible to not dwell on things. I can't tell you how many edit and re-edits I made to my last post before I had to give myself the proverbial slap across the face to stop me from overthinking it more.)

I suppose asking questions and hoping they equate to my situation is the wrong approach, because everyone's is different and there are no molds. I'm scared of what will happen with myself and this guy, and making up for mistakes and trying to feel things out in order to move forward is probably going to have several hardships. That's love for you, right?

Baby steps from here. Some part of me believes it's worth it, if just to remain close friends, if nothing else.