Thoughts on recent events...

Do you have to grow a thicker skin? No. But I think the point others are making is that if you let a situation like that rile you to the extent that you feel like you want to rage against the world or be a hermit or something, the likelihood of you finding another partner is going to be slim to none since you'll end up giving up pretty quickly. Do most of us like that there are so many shitty people in the world who violate boundaries or don't respect others? No. Is that the reality that we live in? Yup.

You can feel whatever you want. No one is going to tell you what to do. We all just know what will *likely* happen to anyone who isn't mentally/emotionally prepared for having at least some shitty dating experiences in the hopes of having the good dating experiences (which for many are harder to come by).
 
breathemusic said:
Do you have to grow a thicker skin? No. But I think the point others are making is that if you let a situation like that rile you to the extent that you feel like you want to rage against the world or be a hermit or something, the likelihood of you finding another partner is going to be slim to none since you'll end up giving up pretty quickly. Do most of us like that there are so many shitty people in the world who violate boundaries or don't respect others? No. Is that the reality that we live in? Yup.

You can feel whatever you want. No one is going to tell you what to do. We all just know what will *likely* happen to anyone who isn't mentally/emotionally prepared for having at least some shitty dating experiences in the hopes of having the good dating experiences (which for many are harder to come by).
Click to expand...

The tone of your message is disquieting. What purpose do you hope to achieve with your response ? It would seem that having an emotional response and yes, making statements from an emotional standpoint equates with being unprepared mentally or emotionally for shitty experiences as you pointed out.

I am sure the argument that life is tough so you have to be tough or pull yourself up by your boot straps is the likely motivation and perspective that this is coming from. How is that helpful? Not everyone responds to that perspective. In fact, such messaging drives a sense of disconnection.

My history includes a bad break up. That was 2 years ago. It was terrible and devastating. I am trying again but it was another shitty situation. These things happen. That is of no doubt. Responding with such messaging doesn't lend itself to be anything but a way to put down another for experiencing a bad outcome and being open and vulnerable to admitting it. Not to mention but being willing to say, it sucked. You know? It sucked. It really sucked. I wanted to vented it. I did vent it. Sometimes words are needed to convey that sense of disgust and discomfort. What I intend to do, that's the question. I don't know.

I had a bad outcome. A weird, odd, strange outcome that made no sense and baffles me. It inspired a bewildered, anger filled response because I wasted time. That's life. Yes, I know. I also know there are shitty people in the world and shitty people on the internet and shitty people everywhere you go. That's also a lesson in life.

Being treated as if having a response and not feeling prepared is what I feel with this response I've received as well as others. Yes, I was unprepared. Yes. Believe it or not, I am actually a human being that got caught unaware. Now feel free to flay me for that. For actually saying, I was vulnerable and I experienced discomfort. Because believe me, I've gotten that from a few sources not just here. From that experience I will tell you this, it didn't create any sense of connection only disconnection.

I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I am looking for connection. For others who have had those negative experiences and said yes, it happened to me too and it sucked. This is what I learned. I appreciate that. Then I didn't feel so much the fool.

I am not ashamed of that. I am sick and tired of dealing with shitty people though. Every where you go, people are judgemental and cruel. They would sooner knock you down in the dirt than be empathic or humane.

This pick yourself up and grow this or that or be this way. No, I don't find that helpful or useful. Not even kind. Maybe some people will respond to that. I don't. I don't like it. So thank you for your response but it wasn't helpful to me. I am unsure what your intention was but from my point of view, it was less than kind. Life is difficult. People should help others to find the kindness in the world especially when we all know how unkind the world can be.
 
Perrey,

If you want only sympathetic responses, you can ask for that. That is especially true in the blog section but you can always ask for it.

Outside of the blog section, you may not get only sympathetic responses even if you ask for them. People will respond how they respond and the way the forum runs, that is acceptable behavior as long as they are not vindictive, abusive, etc. (PSA: I'm not a mod but have been a poster and reader here for a while.)

You have every right to disregard responses you find less than helpful and every right to say so here. You are under no obligation to consider everyone's words.

I realize you stated you did not ask for pity or sympathy. What I understand you wanted is have others say they have experienced similar treatment and it made them angry too. Is this correct?

I consider this asking for sympathy. And there is nothing wrong with wanting this or asking for it. We all need it sometimes. (I'm right there with you for not wanting pity as pity is disguised contempt.)

You also asked for feedback in the original post. That is more of what you got. I interpreted the initial post as 'this crappy thing happened, I feel bad, how do I avoid or manage similar situations in the future.' You have the utter right to ignore or reject any feedback you get. But that's the nature of feedback. Sometimes one doesn't get what one wants, or needs, and it goes in directions one never expected.
 
opalescent said:
Perrey,

If you want only sympathetic responses, you can ask for that. That is especially true in the blog section but you can always ask for it.

Outside of the blog section, you may not get only sympathetic responses even if you ask for them. People will respond how they respond and the way the forum runs, that is acceptable behavior as long as they are not vindictive, abusive, etc. (PSA: I'm not a mod but have been a poster and reader here for a while.)

You have every right to disregard responses you find less than helpful and every right to say so here. You are under no obligation to consider everyone's words.

I realize you stated you did not ask for pity or sympathy. What I understand you wanted is have others say they have experienced similar treatment and it made them angry too. Is this correct?

I consider this asking for sympathy. And there is nothing wrong with wanting this or asking for it. We all need it sometimes. (I'm right there with you for not wanting pity as pity is disguised contempt.)

You also asked for feedback in the original post. That is more of what you got. I interpreted the initial post as 'this crappy thing happened, I feel bad, how do I avoid or manage similar situations in the future.' You have the utter right to ignore or reject any feedback you get. But that's the nature of feedback. Sometimes one doesn't get what one wants, or needs, and it goes in directions one never expected.
Click to expand...

I agree with what you wrote. I accepted what I saw as helpful and I wrote no thank you to those I didn't find helpful.

To me sympathy and empathy are very different concepts. Sympathy drives disconnection and empathy creates connection. Sympathy is the finding the silver lining, putting down the person, one upping the person or showing disregard for the person. Empathy is being present and recognizing the hurt and pain but also recognizing that its transitory. The person just needs support through the situation. Sometimes an empathetic response can be I was there, I get it. That's it. Even I don't know what to say but thanks for sharing.

As an individual I have no issue stating what I think and feel. I will say what I need, but sometimes that's hazy. I can identify when things are helpful and unhelpful. I received helpful feedback from Feather and KTD. That was what I needed. Simple acknowledgement that bad things happen to everyone. When I go through situations that are outside the norm I wonder, is it me? It's a normative process for me to seek out others to know that others have gone through something similar and not its not all me.

I am very upfront about emotions. I see them as useful. I know this is not how society is at the present time. Example: "Catching feelings." like emotions are a disease. Or "Handle yourself." meaning emotions are by nature out of control. I have little use for it. It's been my experience that rarely do people calm down when told to do so.

At the end of the day and now after a few days of processing this situation, I've come to the realization that sometimes no matter how many questions I ask or how good of boundaries I think I set, I may not receive what I hoped for as an end product.

My last poly relationship was emotionally abusive. I know this and I've worked on this aspect for the last two years and have taken my time. So for me to invest 7 weeks in to this situation, it shook me in a deep way. I am careful in my trust and I am careful in my safety. For the last few days I felt like I've had a parasite removed and I feel like I need a shower to get that feeling of being used off of me.

As of today, I have no plans. I have no future directions in regards to poly. Right now I am just taking care of me and seeing where that goes. But at least I know, it wasn't me.

Outside looking in it may seem to be nothing but from the inside, it was very uncomfortable and disgusting. The situation was unpleasant and I am glad it's over.

I don't know what's next.
 
Do you have anxiety about the future?
 
Dear Perrey,
I responded with my opinions and insight into what you wrote because I believed you when you stated you wanted new insights, as in a different perspective. I felt quite compassionate when I wrote my last post. I was sharing my insight and feedback -- which I thought you requested from us -- in the spirit of helpfulness. Truly.

When I said you could be grateful that your online-only exchange with this guy was only for a short while and for the fact that you hadn't gotten involved in person, I was hoping you'd see that there was something you could be thankful for. Again, I was trying to be helpful; trying to turn it around to something positive. Also, growing a thicker skin when it comes to dating is sound advice that I would give anyone. It's a jungle out there, as they say. I wish someone had warned me before I tried it. And you know what? Maybe you could benefit by getting over it - what is wrong with that? Of course, feel free to stew in anger or throw yourself a pity party if that is what you want to do. Sometimes I indulge myself that way, too. It's your life -- but IMHO life's too short to linger in a painful place too long when one can pick themselves up and change their outlook. We always have a choice. We don't have to struggle if we can find a nugget of hopefulness or rebelliousness or whatever else we can use to get out of a downward spiral.

However, I acknowledge that perhaps, for you, those seven weeks were very intense, with daily talks and investing your heart. For me, seven weeks would probably be anywhere from five to ten conversations - still getting to know someone. I don't have the time or mental bandwidth to be in touch with someone every day.

But remember the new insights and feedback you asked for? In your initial post, you wondered if you were overthinking things. The way I saw it, yes, you were. You wanted opinions, and that was mine. Take it or leave it. Again, I only added my opinion to the thread to be HELPFUL. Apparently, I wasted my time because you found it unhelpful, and I am truly sorry for that, but hopefully my words will be helpful to someone else.

Believe me, no one here wants to "flay" you. We are a bunch of anonymous people on a message board who are only responding with feedback aimed to help, and you've rejected much of it, saying we're inappropriate, dismissive, and unhelpful. Now you're saying you wanted "connection" -- instead of feedback and our insights? I did not get that from your initial post.

Methinks you would do well to ask for what you truly want. If it's only agreement or soothing words you want, then next time say so. But asking for new insights and feedback will get you ... new insights and feedback from different perspectives. If you actually only wanted to vent and didn't want a diversity of opinions, I can move this thread to the Blogs section for you.

Perrey said:
My last poly relationship was emotionally abusive.
Click to expand...
I am very sorry to read that. I hope you found a way to heal from it.
 
Last edited:
Perrey said:
My last poly relationship was emotionally abusive. I know this and I've worked on this aspect for the last two years and have taken my time. So for me to invest 7 weeks in to this situation, it shook me in a deep way. I am careful in my trust and I am careful in my safety. For the last few days I felt like I've had a parasite removed and I feel like I need a shower to get that feeling of being used off of me.
Click to expand...
Perrey, I understand these words. Before, I would have agreed with nycindie - it's seven weeks online, your very lucky that you didn't get involved much more. But this shines a light on your reaction.
 
Perrey said:
I was vulnerable and I experienced discomfort......I am looking for connection.
Click to expand...

This seems to be the nucleus of what you're saying, Perrey, and judging by your story and the way you're interacting here, you seem to have quite a struggle going on between wanting connection and feeling vulnerable. Nothing to feel bad or defensive about, though: We all feel that struggle to greater or lesser degrees. That's the setting of intimate relationships.

"Thick skin" while dating doesn't mean eschewing introspection and interpersonal analysis, it means nurturing your own loving self image, no matter who or what you encounter. Again, it speaks to the work of finding your way toward developing connections. In order to connect with someone in a stable way, you (we all) have to approach others with an open heart and an unwavering sense of self worth. When you have that stronger foundation, then the satisfying relationships form.
 
You feel how you feel. Given your history, the way you feel is understandable. Anger, hurt, disappointment... all of those make sense under any circumstances, but especially when this was your first attempt to trust someone after a very damaging experience.

I think when others are saying "Grow a thicker skin," they are NOT saying "Don't feel anything or tell others how you're feeling." They're saying "Don't let assholes control your life." You invested seven weeks in this guy. To some of us, seven weeks is a drop in the bucket; to others, it's a ridiculously long time to spend only to have your heart or emotions stomped on. Again, how you feel about it is how you feel, and that's okay.

But when you are letting this guy and his girlfriend control your thoughts to the point where you're thinking things like "I should be a hermit" and "I'm never trusting anyone again" (I know you didn't say that, it's an example), *that* is where people are telling you to grow a thicker skin. Not so you don't feel hurt or angry, but so your thoughts and actions aren't being controlled and dictated by someone you've never actually met.

Instead of "People are jerks and I should be a hermit," it might benefit you to try thinking "That asshole and his drama queen really pissed me off! I deserve to have people in my life I can trust, and they screwed me over! Hell with that, I'm going to find someone to treat me right!" Maybe not quite that harsh; but maybe that harsh if you really feel that angry.

Thinking you want to be a hermit and never get involved with anyone again, to me (as someone who has been known to say exactly that after a painful breakup), is saying "There's something wrong with me and no one is ever going to treat me right, so I should just give up." That might not be what you mean. It might not be a conscious thought on your part. But the implication is there. If you are assuming that everyone is going to be a jerk and you should hide from the world, that is putting focus and responsibility on *you.*

But thinking "I ran into a real jackass who didn't treat me right and dragged me into drama. I don't deserve that, but I know I'm going to find someone to treat me the way I do deserve, I just need to be patient and keep trying," puts the focus on the one person who screwed you over. HE was the one who has something wrong with him. Not you.

It might also benefit you, in the world of online dating, to just think "Hmm, this person's kinda cool to talk to, and it's just going to be a bit of chatting" unless or until you and the other person agree to meet. For me, at least, minimizing the person's impact on my life in that way ("just someone cool to talk to") means I don't get emotionally entangled, which makes things easier when they "ghost" on me or turn out to be a sex-starved wanker who just wants to cyber.

That doesn't mean I don't feel hurt or angry when that happens; I absolutely do. But it means I don't feel *as* hurt or angry as if I'd put emotional energy into the interactions, and I get over it in a matter of hours--or even minutes--instead of days or weeks. And yes, I've had discussions lasting weeks, and in one case a few months, that have ended with the guy pulling a fade. I've never had girlfriend drama on top of the guy bailing on me, but I've had plenty of guys bail.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top