Thunder's big problem. I need opinions, please.

Thunder

Thunder

New member
Lately I've had this issue with my girls/guys. They seem to think I have no reasons to get mad at them for some stuff I see as a slap in a face, or something of that matter. I don't know if they see what they do all the time. It's not all 6 of them. It is just 4 that seem to do it.

First off, I get annoyed because one of them will ask if I want to go do something with them that usually costs money. I'm usually more broke then all of them, so I guess they just assume I have no money, or whatever. I understand that no one always wants to pay for me for stuff. And I would not want them to, because it feels like I'm just a burden. But lately they have this thing of asking me if I want to do something, and then 10 minutes later, when I decide, okay, I'll go, one of them will be like, "Well, do you have money?" or make up something else to say, to make it seem like they really don't want me to go with them. So it feels like I'm just their annoyance, that at the last second they want to ditch me, for whatever reason.

But that's only one of the issues I need some opinions on, if possible. I haven't really thought out the other issues fully yet, so I may just post again later.

:confused:
 
A lot of things are really just your perception of them (general you, not specifically). Have you sat everyone down and talked to them about it? They can't know what's going on with you if you don't tell them.

Have you made less expensive suggestions of your own? Going for a walk, bike ride, picnic (in season), helping prepare a meal together, cuddle time while watching a movie, board/card games are all cheaper (or free!) alternatives to money items.
 
It probably is my perception of things. I don't know. For the most part, it really hasn't been just things with money that they do it. Maybe I'll try to sit down and talk to them and see what happens. I know I do have the tendency to be irrational sometimes.

I really appreciate the tips and help, Breathesgirl. And thank you for the encouragement, gomugirl. :)
 
I think that you really need to address these sorts of things with the people involved. There is really not much anyone could say, I don't think, as we are not there and not you. Clear communication is the first thing. it sounds like you are off to do that. Let us know how it goes.
 
Well, so far, I have talked about it with 2 of them. I got everything sorted out with them, at least. I am figuring out that, yeah, even though I hate confrontation and talking about feelings, it's gonna happen whether or not I like it.

I'm trying to get past my shyness about talking with others. So far, it's very difficult. But I think as long as I try, it'll get easier to be open about my problems, and hopefully easier to solve most of them.
 
I think it's possible that they don't want to get you broke, nor exclude you. I think a lot of people have been in a situation where one person would do things they couldn't afford to stay with their friends, and ended up in debt. Maybe they're worried you're agreeing to do things that are too expensive because you don't want to be left out. In which case, it's possible they're trying to tell you, "We can do something else if it's better for you," to reassure you that they do realise you have less money than they do. It's possible they're trying to be thoughtful, and certainly not trying to annoy you.

I think a good way around that problem would be to discuss activities together and incorporate some that are cheap or free. Or you could plan activities and pool your money for them, where everyone puts in the same amount of money proportionally to their income or something, so that it seems fair to everyone. You'd have to discuss it, of course. And then the whole group uses that money to do activities, rather than everyone paying for themselves.

In my experience, I've been the one who had more money and the one who had less money, and usually when you're the one with the money, you'd rather pay for someone else to have the enjoyment of having them around, because the money you'd save isn't worth having to be away from them. All the same, when you're the one with less money, you do feel bad for not pulling your weight, but then you can do things for others that don't cost money in return.

It seems to me that since you are all a big unit, it might make sense for you guys to discuss these things all together. I think if my network were that big, I'd have a weekly council, where everyone could bring up stuff they wanted to discuss and they'd be resolved with everyone.
 
Just for some added perspective, only four of us have jobs. Andulvar makes the most, Vegeta and Company make about the same, and Selene makes the least, due to a very small vet hospital job. Thunder gets money from the government, and Ariel and I make nothing unless we do a bake sale or something else extra.

I'm a very group-oriented person. Generally, I want everyone to be there for everything. Since I don't have my own personal income, sometimes this is difficult to maneuver with the group, as our finances stand. I'm perfectly willing to do things that don't require money, as we used to do this when we were a bit younger, or go on the super-cheap. It doesn't bother me at all.

However, I think that being able to have time alone with certain people at a time is also valuable. It's hard for me to get closer to people if the group is large. I would feel like that closeness was mostly superficial. Considering our boundaries, getting close sometimes has to happen with one partner AND their primary.

That being said, our relationship is still new. There's lots of time to perfect communication and issues such as this. I'm willing to be patient and roll along with everyone else's speed. :)
 
Maybe everyone could contribute a few bucks here and there to a household "kitty" (or the "pussy" as my friend and her roommate used to call theirs) that would be used for special occasions, emergencies, or to help one of you out when needed. Once you put money in a kitty, you forget about it, and it becomes everyone's. It doesn't have to be a set amount from each person, could be as simple as throwing in the change after you pay for pizza, a five you find in your jeans on laundry day, or whatever. You could figure out some guideline on how to use it. Then whoever needs help from the kitty wouldn't feel like they're burdening anyone, it's collective money. Just a thought.
 
Actually the kitty idea is a very good one.

We have a tin for laundry change, so why not one for miscellaneous stuff? It would help my kids too, as there would then be change for an unexpected bus ride, swimming, coffee, etc.
 
i would ask them straight out if they were trying to ditch me. But that might be hard for you to do.

Sometimes we are just being worried about something that's not even true. So it may be hard, but at least if you ask you'll find out.

Good luck.
 
Tonberry said:
In my experience, I've been the one who had more money and the one who had less money, and usually when you're the one with the money, you'd rather pay for someone else to have the enjoyment of having them around, because the money you'd save isn't worth having to be away from them. All the same, when you're the one with less money you do feel bad for not pulling your weight, but then you can do things for others that don't cost money in return.
Click to expand...

I've been in both positions, and count myself lucky to be making more money right now. Both of "my" guys make considerably less, so I often find myself being the one who either pays, or asks if it's okay to do a certain activity.

Both guys like to do extra things to show they appreciate the money "aspect" that I bring to our relations. Also, when they offer to pay or contribute, I always take them up on it, because I know (from experience) how good it feels when you're the one in that position to be able to give back.

I suspect you're insecure about your money situation, and this is tainting your perception of their well-meaning concerns.

I'd suggest looking at other ways you can/do contribute to your household. I know that Indigo does the majority of the cooking for us. This is something he enjoys and has developed quite a talent for. He certainly contributes far more than I do in this respect. And I appreciate it!

Find your niche, and contribute the heck out of it, Thunder! :)
 
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