Unfortunately, abuse can be hard to recognize even when you're on the receiving end. If someone else had come to me describing the things my first husband said and did, I would have immediately said they were being verbally and emotionally abused and manipulated, but being *in* the situation, I didn't recognize it for several years. Despite having things thrown at me, accusations and threats made almost daily, having my self-esteem whittled down to the point I didn't believe I was worth the breath it took to keep me alive, etc. And when I was finally honest with myself about what was happening, I was afraid to tell anyone, because he wasn't hitting me, so I worried that other people might say it wasn't abuse.
Personally, I bring up abuse as a possibility if I see red flags based on my own experiences and on research and counseling training I've done. I would far rather be proven wrong, that there's no abuse going on, then stay silent and have even one person remain in an abusive situation.
Reading the posts in this thread, I didn't see people jumping to the conclusion that the OP's wife is being *abused* so much as bringing up the possibility that her upbringing may have left her too uncomfortable with sex to speak up if a partner does something she doesn't like or that hurts her. That wouldn't be abuse on the part of the partner; it would be an inability or unwillingness on the part of OP's wife to say "You know, I really don't like being held down while you bang me from behind" or whatever, either because she's uncomfortable saying something like that, or because she doesn't want to hurt her partner's feelings and/or wants to please him. That was certainly the possibility that came to me.
Of course, it's also possible the bruises OP mentioned are the result of consensual rough sex that's accepted and enjoyed by his wife with her other partner. Which doesn't mean she would necessarily enjoy it with OP; one of the cool things about polyamory is you can get different things from different partners. Guy can be very rough with me and I like every second of it; whereas if Hubby wants a little rough play, he has to warn me in advance and sometimes it triggers flashbacks for me. Different men, different dynamics.
Personally, I bring up abuse as a possibility if I see red flags based on my own experiences and on research and counseling training I've done. I would far rather be proven wrong, that there's no abuse going on, then stay silent and have even one person remain in an abusive situation.
Reading the posts in this thread, I didn't see people jumping to the conclusion that the OP's wife is being *abused* so much as bringing up the possibility that her upbringing may have left her too uncomfortable with sex to speak up if a partner does something she doesn't like or that hurts her. That wouldn't be abuse on the part of the partner; it would be an inability or unwillingness on the part of OP's wife to say "You know, I really don't like being held down while you bang me from behind" or whatever, either because she's uncomfortable saying something like that, or because she doesn't want to hurt her partner's feelings and/or wants to please him. That was certainly the possibility that came to me.
Of course, it's also possible the bruises OP mentioned are the result of consensual rough sex that's accepted and enjoyed by his wife with her other partner. Which doesn't mean she would necessarily enjoy it with OP; one of the cool things about polyamory is you can get different things from different partners. Guy can be very rough with me and I like every second of it; whereas if Hubby wants a little rough play, he has to warn me in advance and sometimes it triggers flashbacks for me. Different men, different dynamics.
